Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Your Boyfriend Prioritizes Everything Else Over You But Tells You He Doesn't

Transcript

When Your Boyfriend Prioritizes Everything Else Over You But Tells You He Doesn't · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
• 0:07
  Psych mom, show today, I'm going to talk about the situation when
• 0:11
  your boyfriend, prioritises everything over you from your
• 0:15
  perspective, but he says that he doesn't.
• 0:17
  This is a situation that is common for women.
• 0:20
  If they are in a pursuer distance or relationship or are
• 0:22
  the preoccupied attachment partner with an avoidant
• 0:25
  attachment male partner and I'll get into that.
• 0:28
  As soon as I tell you to subscribe my most recent awesome
• 0:31
  subscriber episode was wide to stop shaving your partner.
• 0:35
  For their sexual fantasies on desires.
• 0:37
  And that is something that happens frequently, albeit
• 0:41
  unintentionally, you know, such as the eye-rolling ETC.
• 0:45
  And I discussed that in depth in that most recent episode, and
• 0:48
  there are over 120 other episodes.
• 0:52
  I think, by now that our subscriber only, and of course,
• 0:55
  you should always join my Facebook group.
• 0:56
  If you go to Facebook and you click on the blue subscribe
• 0:59
  button for four ninety-nine a month, you get my group and that
• 1:02
  is a fun place with over 250 people in Interacting and I go
• 1:06
  in there and interact a lot. So anyway, let's move on the
• 1:11
  topic. For today is something I see
• 1:13
  with a lot of women. They are always wanting their
• 1:16
  boyfriend to hang out, more and spend more time with them and
• 1:19
  asked them to hang out and say that they miss them and
• 1:23
  prioritize the relationship. And instead, the guy feels
• 1:27
  smothered, he feels that he gives more to this relationship
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  than he ever gave to any other relationship that he gives more
• 1:34
  time to this. This woman than he gave to any
• 1:37
  other women and he feels truly is not gaslighting.
• 1:42
  You don't go down that hole. Very few men are narcissists
• 1:47
  it's very rare you know 1% of people are narcissists so it's
• 1:51
  probable that he's not a diagnosable narcissist, it is
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  much more common for him just to be avoidant attachment and if
• 1:58
  he's avoidant attachment, what does that make you?
• 2:01
  It makes you preoccupied attachment.
• 2:02
  Go back to the attachment style podcast.
• 2:05
  That's a subscriber, one to get an overview of this.
• 2:08
  If you need a brush up, or a refresher, or to hear about it
• 2:12
  for the first time. Even.
• 2:14
  So what this means is that he was raised to be really
• 2:18
  independent and you were raised in a more, an unpredictable
• 2:24
  environment. So you had a warm caretaker but
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  you couldn't always trust them to be around for whatever
• 2:30
  reason, depression other kids, busy bad, man.
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  Marriage for whatever reason, you had at least one parent that
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  you really clicked with. But you couldn't always count on
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  them. That makes you preoccupied
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  attachment and he was just always trained to be super
• 2:45
  independent and go play and take care of himself.
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  So now he very well, may be in love with you the most out of
• 2:52
  anybody and he very well may from his perspective, be giving
• 2:56
  you a lot of time, but that doesn't mean he really is, you
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  know. So on one hand, yes, you got to
• 3:02
  work on your preoccupied attachment, but on the other
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  hand, This doesn't really get better.
• 3:07
  This Dynamic, if you do work on your preoccupied, attachment in
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  therapy and work on your self-esteem and your ability to
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  tolerate being alone etcetera, it doesn't usually make you a
• 3:17
  better partner for an avoidant partner.
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  Instead, you will be growing more secure and, and therefore,
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  you will be attracted to one will want another secure
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  partner, you know, the avoidant guy you will lose interest in
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  because he's really not around very much even though he thinks
• 3:32
  he is. So avoidant attachment guys like
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  this. This tend to go into occupations
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  and have friend groups, we're being alone. / with friends is
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  prioritized, and that's the norm.
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  So, for example, if he is in in, he's a big corporate guy, right?
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  So, so he's in a corporation where they have a long hours and
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  constant work travel. So sure in his peer group,
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  everybody's traveling, you know, everybody's staying in the
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  office until 9 p.m. everybody. You know, that's who he knows.
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  So from his perspective. Yeah, he by coming home at 8
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  p.m. is better than the guys who continue staying till 9 p.m.
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  But in reality, you have many friends whose husbands are home
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  at 6 p.m. you know, and who don't travel constantly for
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  work. And then on the weekends that
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  they're not traveling for work, they don't want to go do
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  whatever sport their into and they don't also want to do poker
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  night and they don't also basically use the place that At
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  you live, as like a place to just sleep, you know, and try to
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  be out of the house, basically all the time, with the exception
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  of some dates that you go on or if you tag along to his stuff,
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  right? So there are different Norms
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  based on who you are a sort ATIV, mating means that you're
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  attracted to people who are like you.
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  But this doesn't happen as much when you're young as a sort of
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  peer groups. Do of course, you want to be
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  friends with people who are like you.
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  So a guy for example, that wants to go on a week-long, Hunting
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  and fishing trips. He's going to be friends with
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  guys who go, right? And so all those guys are
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  spending that amount of time away from their wives regularly.
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  And so, that is their social norm.
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  And then you, if you are like a, more of a homebody, and more
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  preoccupied attachment or even more secure, although that would
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  be overtime. You're not originally going to
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  be with an avoidant attachment, man.
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  If you're not preoccupied attachment, you're not going to
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  stay in that situation. Because, I mean, it really begs.
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  The question first, I'll say What you'll do, you basically
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  have friends that stay around the house, you know, not the
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  house but you just like, you know, stay around the area, your
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  home all the time, pretty much at night and your job does not
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  preclude you from seeing a significant other.
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  You've basically made your life around having space for a
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  relationship and then, your partner has, in no way made his
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  life around that. But anyway, my point was
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  sometimes people are like, okay fine, but what is a secure
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  relationship? Look like to those guys.
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  Just not go on hunting and fishing trips or something to
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  do. Do they just not Jobs were there
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  gone a lot well to some degree. Yes, you know, to some degree.
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  Like if if a guy really prioritize has a relationship
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  not to say he won't go away with his friends one week, you know a
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  year here and there but it's not going to be a default, it's not
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  going to be that every weekend is is primarily spent with his
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  buddies and that work is until 9 p.m. and and travel is constant.
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  It's just that isn't the life. They're going to be more
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  planning to be around, you know? Because they want to be in a
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  relationship. And they prioritize it.
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  So it's like you know if you if you really think of the default
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  most important thing in your life as the relationship and one
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  day the family that you will build then you make space for
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  that. But if you think of your work
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  life or your social life, as the default, then the relationship /
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  family has to fit around that default.
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  So it's really an incompatibility and what you
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  prioritize as the center of your life and is securely attached.
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  Ship both people are on the same page.
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  So yes sure there's a normal distribution even among securely
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  attached. People have how much time they
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  spent together but there's a difference.
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  And the key difference is that both people want to spend time
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  together. It's kind of equal how much they
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  asked to spend time with each other and how much they plan for
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  that time and how open they are about.
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  Prioritizing it and verbalizing. That They they want it.
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  So and you know, I've seen this happen.
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  There are some guys after therapy, they'll have the exact
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  same work schedule. But their relationship will get
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  a lot better because they have learned in therapy that it's
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  important to text their wife and say I miss you and I can't wait
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  to see you later and that's something they weren't doing
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  before. And that only, the wife was
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  doing the wife was constantly texting him when you're going to
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  be home. When are you going to be home?
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  We're not going to get to spend any time together this week.
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  If Is how it's going to be for the whole week.
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  I mean, I don't understand like, you just had a week like, this
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  last week and you said it was going to be better this week and
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  now you're gone all the time and what the hell, right?
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  So instead of her doing that One Direction toward him, which of
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  course to him, doesn't sound like anything.
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  Nice that all sounds like she just haranguing him, but of
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  course she is doing that out of anxiety and the desire to be
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  with him, right? But she's just expressing it
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  poorly because that's probably the dynamic she saw in her
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  family of origin, right? But anyway, so instead, if he
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  learns to get out ahead of that, have the exact same work
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  schedule, but literally to touch base with her more during the
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  day, and to verbalize the idea that he wants to spend time with
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  her, then the relationship changes a lot, you know, and
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  that that takes a lot of work. That isn't just a quick fix
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  because an avoidant attachment guy, he doesn't want to do that.
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  He feels that that's very like being kind of a pussy, you know?
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  Like that's like like not not who he wants to be, is that?
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  Guy who's like, oh I miss you. I can't wait to spend time with
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  you. He wasn't raised to be
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  vulnerable like that. So if he can do some deep work
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  and prioritize a marriage over Saving Face by always being the
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  pursuit of object, then he can make real change.
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  Generally, people don't want to make this real change before
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  their something before their skin in the game.
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  So a man with a family and children and a house and a
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  marriage is going to be a lot more willing to try to change
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  his attachment Style. In therapy than a guy who's just
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  dating, you a guy who's dating you?
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  You should not be in therapy with that.
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  That is, that is not a winning strategy.
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  If you are not compatible, even in the honeymoon stage and you
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  are seeing, you know, things like this happen.
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  Like this pursuer, distance her Dynamic, get out and work on
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  yourself and individual therapy because it he has no no need to
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  change for you, you know? And it is so much of a warning
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  sign when people who were just dating our income.
• 10:05
  Counseling. I mean, I see them later.
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  I mean sometimes it used to be less common to me in couples
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  counseling. Would you were dating?
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  But I do have some couples that say that they were even in
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  couples counseling when they were dating / before they had
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  children and they should have realized then that something was
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  wrong, you know? I mean that that was not the
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  norm, you know, a for people to have that level of distress that
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  they would require remediation of a third party and all of this
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  stuff even prior to marriage. The does this mean that you
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  shouldn't go to your pre-cana class?
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  Which is the Catholic premarital counseling or whatever know you
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  want to go to premarital counseling.
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  Cool. You know, that's like a fun
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  thing to do in a sense you know, figure out like taking a
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  personality test but like in person, great.
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  But if you're going for active conflict, I mean that that isn't
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  a good sign. Don't get married enough to the
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  the active conflicts trying to tell you something it's like
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  pain. It's like you know if you
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  knocked your head into a wall by accident, you get paid says.
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  Don't knock your head into a wall again.
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  Having Flicked an early marriage.
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  Is that it's saying don't do this.
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  Don't do this. Get out.
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  Anyway, the the point here is it is extremely difficult but
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  possible to get into a securely attached relationship.
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  If both people are trying. Now, in that case, too, by the
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  way, the preoccupied attachment partner does have to learn.
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  Not to send these haranguing blaming messages to the guy.
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  So both people have to be working there in that situation.
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  She has to learn to sit at sit with her own.
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  Tea without reaching out in an angry blaming way toward him and
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  he has to learn to come forward more with his vulnerable
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  feelings toward her. The point here is that people
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  are really only going to do that within the context of having
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  something to lose. IE a family that's going to give
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  you the the motivation. If this is something that you're
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  dealing with in your early relationship, early means before
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  marriage and certainly and even just before kids then this is
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  The Universe telling you. There are Other men who will
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  want to spend time with you and the more that you work on
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  yourself into therapy, then the more comfortable, you will be
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  with those men. Because right now, remember
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  preoccupied, attachment is because you had a warm
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  caregiver, but you couldn't access them all the time.
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  So to you, you may get bored. If you have not processed and
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  grieved and work through your childhood issues, you're still
• 12:26
  operating on autopilot. So you're still attracted to
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  whatever you were raised with, so you were probably raised with
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  as I described a Honor. Sorry, a parent who is not
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  really fully accessible so then that's what you're drawn to but
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  the more you work on that then the more you're actually going
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  to be attracted to guys that want to hang out with you.
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  Oh my god. Imagine imagine I hope you were
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  sitting down. I should have warned you but
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  could you imagine that could be your life actually being
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  attracted on falling in love with men who want to spend time
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  with you and express that want right now.
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  Like a lot of women don't break up with the avoidant boyfriend
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  because they say well shit is the only type of man I've ever
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  been attracted to One's the best out of all of them.
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  He's cute. He's smart.
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  You know, he has a good job. I can't really imagine being
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  attracted to one of those nice guys that actually wants to hang
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  out with me. I don't know what's wrong with
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  me, you know, and that's a level of inside, honestly, that's
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  high. You know?
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  And, and that's right. If you don't work on yourself,
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  you will continue to be attracted to men who don't know
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  how to take care of you. I have a whole podcast on when
• 13:28
  men never take care of you and or men who don't really Express
• 13:32
  the desire to be with you or who do it in such a modern That way
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  you know not modern measured really minimal way.
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  I mean more than moderate. So for you so these guys like
• 13:43
  it's not like they say I hate you never hang out with me but
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  they'll just say like oh yeah, totally will do date night, will
• 13:49
  do date night next Thursday. That's going to be good.
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  Yes, going to be great. I'm going to be really busy
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  though. I'm going to be busy this week.
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  I'm going to be busy the early part of next week after our date
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  night, Thursday, that's going to be great on Friday.
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  I'm going out with the boys, we're gonna go to Vegas, that's
• 14:03
  going to be like, you know, for Days.
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  Now, when I come back, we're diving right into that.
• 14:08
  Next deal at work. You're like what the fuck you
• 14:10
  know I mean you usually one night is the night that I'm
• 14:13
  going to see you. Of course he might come home.
• 14:15
  You know if you share a place have sex with you etcetera in
• 14:18
  the interim but the amount that he's prioritizing you is really
• 14:22
  one night out of like, two weeks, let's say.
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  And so he feels this is good. He talks to his buddies.
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  In fact, he's skipping a night. They weren't doing something on
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  Thursday to, you know, and And and they're all like him and
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  thus the you know, women are probably like you that they're
• 14:39
  dating and so he actually thinks he's doing a good job genuinely
• 14:43
  by making sure that Thursday is booked for you.
• 14:47
  Out of the next two weeks. We are as you the preoccupied
• 14:51
  partner are hanging out with your girlfriends and some of
• 14:53
  them have guys that are going out with them for dinner and
• 14:57
  drinks and stuff multiple times a week, and they watch the show
• 15:00
  every night together that they're binge-watching.
• 15:03
  And you're like, what the fuck? Meanwhile, You would not be
• 15:05
  attracted to those guys because of what you were trained on.
• 15:08
  Growing up your training on the partner that you're always
• 15:10
  trying to get because you can't fully get them because you had a
• 15:13
  parent, you were always trying to get the attention of and
• 15:15
  couldn't fully get it. So you know you can with work
• 15:20
  get to the person that wants to hang out with you multiple times
• 15:23
  a week that says hey so on Thursday we're going to do date
• 15:26
  night and then Friday I planned for us to go away for the
• 15:29
  weekend neck, the week after that's going to be busy at work.
• 15:32
  But the next Friday I told my mom.
• 15:35
  I'm that we're going to visit to that is normal.
• 15:38
  That is something you could get used to.
• 15:39
  If you're super preoccupied attachment though, and you
• 15:42
  haven't worked on it. Then even that guy saying the
• 15:45
  one busy we get work is enough to fluster you and to make you
• 15:49
  reach out with blaming text messages.
• 15:51
  Now, if that's you then of course you need to work on that
• 15:55
  in therapy because even this is securely attached guy who does
• 15:59
  want to hang out an average amount or even a high amount
• 16:03
  will not be enough. This is, you know, you could
• 16:06
  also have a wake-up call from listening to this and be like my
• 16:09
  boyfriend does want to hang out multiple times a week.
• 16:11
  He does prioritize me my girlfriend say he does, you
• 16:14
  know, so maybe it's me, you know, maybe it's really mean,
• 16:17
  maybe he's not avoidant attachment.
• 16:19
  Maybe there's nothing that's enough for me because I grew up
• 16:23
  in a very unstable home. My parents were he's fighting, I
• 16:26
  wanted to hang out more with my mom.
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  I could never hang out with her. She's always in my it screaming
• 16:30
  back and forth with my dad. Then there was a divorce.
• 16:33
  I had to go to my dad when I didn't.
• 16:35
  Want to etcetera, etcetera. Whatever the case may be, if
• 16:37
  there was an alcoholic parent, then don't even worry about it.
• 16:40
  That's the reason because you don't even have to go further
• 16:43
  and alcoholic parent, get is not fully accessible to a child.
• 16:47
  I don't care if they were violent drunk or nonviolent drug
• 16:50
  when they're drunk, they're not accessible.
• 16:52
  So anyway, they should be as something for you to really
• 16:55
  think about given any sort of history with becoming involved
• 17:01
  with quote, emotionally unavailable men.
• 17:03
  And if Need to switch the genders for this then and you
• 17:07
  are the man that's always going after women that are always
• 17:10
  making plans with their friends and going to Vegas with the
• 17:12
  girls and don't have a bit of time for you, then just do that.
• 17:16
  I mean, I do my post on my podcast, based on what I see,
• 17:19
  the majority of people struggle with in so that people can
• 17:24
  really see themselves. That more people can really see
• 17:28
  themselves in the posts and podcasts, because sometimes
• 17:31
  people say, oh, I'm, you do everything gender-neutral.
• 17:34
  All because nobody reaches out about the ones that are like,
• 17:38
  when you're attracted to people that sometimes don't want to
• 17:43
  hang out, nobody reaches out. But if I'm like, when you're
• 17:46
  like basically a 25 year old girl, that wants to get married
• 17:49
  to a guy that has a high-flying job in ever want to see you like
• 17:52
  50 people reach out and they're like, oh my God.
• 17:54
  That's my life. Because, you know, that's a
• 17:56
  human thing people like to feel recognized and known.
• 17:59
  So I talked to the majority which is why the low libido
• 18:03
  partner posts I direct toward predominantly men struggling
• 18:07
  with that. Although I do have many,
• 18:09
  including one of my earliest ones about when your husband
• 18:11
  doesn't want sex, because I see that again, 20% of the time in
• 18:15
  the wild and probably 30% of the people I see.
• 18:17
  But that is a tangent and just to explain that because
• 18:20
  sometimes I get those people on my Facebook, especially, oh, my
• 18:23
  God. Why'd you make it about one
• 18:25
  gender? And asked to be neutral?
• 18:26
  No, doesn't get your own block. Thank you for listening y'all.
• 18:31
  I'll talk to you soon. Bye, bye.