Latest / My Sexy Menopause Body / Why You Don’t Want Sex at Night

Transcript

Why You Don’t Want Sex at Night · My Sexy Menopause Body

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to my sexy menopause party.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Menopause isn't something to dread.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's something to own with strength, confidence, and yes, sexiness.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because menopause doesn't mean fading into the background, it means stepping fully into who we are.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: And now here's your host, Kim Nicholson.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get started.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Foreplay starts at 8.07 sharp a.m.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't want sex at night, you better listen to this.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: So let me ask you something.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: When your partner reaches for you at night, is it desire you're lacking, or could it be energy?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because those are not the same.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: If you have spent the entire day thinking, solving, planning, responding, managing, your brain has been on executive mode.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: And executive mode does not flip into erotic mode on command.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: So tonight isn't necessarily the problem.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: The problem is your entire day may be the problem.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, it's Kim and welcome back to my sexy menopause body.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: So today we're talking about something almost no one explains correctly.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, you heard that.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: No one explains it correctly, at least in my opinion.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: And that is why you don't want sex at night for women.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: And before we go straight into hormones, or before we assume the desire has faded, or before we start questioning ourselves about our or our relationships, I want to offer you, I don't know, a different lens, a different perspective.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: So what if I said to you, what if it's not about libido?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: What if you are mentally maxed out and or physically spent?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: Guess what?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: There's solid research showing that daily stress directly reduces sexual desire in women.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Chronic stress elevates cortisol, and cortisol dampens arousal pathways.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's not my opinion.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's physiology.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: So instead of asking, what's wrong with my desire?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: How about you start asking yourself, how am I overloaded?
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about that mental load that no one sees, but you carry it, right?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: I know I do.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sure 99% of women do.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about this invisible layer.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: There's research out there out of the American Sociological Review showing that women disproportionately carry what's called cognitive labor.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's the anticipate anticipatory planning, tracking, remembering, scheduling, and emotionally monitoring that we do all day long.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's not just doing tasks, it's thinking about the tasks all freaking day.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: You wake up and your brain is already calculating who needs what, what's due, what's missing, what hasn't been handled.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: There are studies on multitasking that show that constant task switching increases stress load and lowers your well-being, especially in us women.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: So now let's layer this in on top of that.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Stress research in the Journal of Sexual Medicine shows that chronic daily stress is strongly associated with lower sexual desire and arousal.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Not because something is wrong, but because the brain prioritizes survival and problem solving over pleasure.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: Your prefrontal cortex, the planning center, has been lit up all day long.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: So erotic processing happens more through the limbic system, the emotional, the bonding, the sensory awareness.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: So if your brain has been in spreadsheet mode for 12 hours, it doesn't suddenly turn into a slow burn mode.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's not dysfunction.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Guess what?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's bandwidth.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: So let's get into this a little bit deeper.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about fatigue and depletion.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Because we all know there, that we've all been there, right?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: So let's dive in a little deeper.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: So decision fatigue is real.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm gonna say that again.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: Decision fatigue is real.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: And let me give you the perfect example.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know, when you've worked hard all day long, maybe you've got kids at home, you've got many demands, not just you, financial, emotional, work-related, whatever it may be, and you've made a crap load of decisions all day long.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: And then your wonderful partner says to you, What would you like to do for dinner tonight?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: And you're like, I don't know.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: I actually saw a cartoon about this and it said about, you know, women, when we answer where do you want to go to dinner, we're always like, I don't know.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever you want, what do you want to do?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's real.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's called decision fatigue.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: I get tired of making decisions all day long.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: And around 5, 5:30, usually I have dinner planned, but around 5-50, if you ask me a question, I just don't really have an answer for you.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Research shows that after making these repeated decisions, our brain, our brain's capacity for effortful engagement declines.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: Intimacy is effortful.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: It requires presence, right?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: It requires attention, it requires sensation.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: And if you have made 200 microdecisions before dinner, your system is depleted.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Now, let's add the physical exhaustion into it, okay?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: We know what that is feels like too.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Especially when you plug in hormonal shifts, it can really affect sleep quality.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: We've talked about this in previous podcasts, and I've got another one coming up with a sleep expert that we're going to be talking to in a few weeks.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: But hormonal shifts can make a huge effect on your sleep quality.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Interrupted sleep affects energy, and lower energy affects your motivation.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: So when your body is physically tired, it conserves.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't seek stimulation.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: Guess what?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: It seeks restoration.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: And there's a difference between not wanting intimacy and needing recovery.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: That distinction matters.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: So here's where the misunderstanding really happens: it's in responsive desire.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: So for many women, especially us in midlife, desire becomes responsive, not spontaneous.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: That model was first articulated by researcher Rosemary Basson.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: I talked about her in a previous podcast.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: But responsive desire means you don't feel turned on out of nowhere.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: Desire follows connection, it follows relaxation, it follows feeling engaged emotionally.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're waiting to feel spontaneous desire after a full day of management, you will think it's gone.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: But guess what?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's not gone.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's waiting for a softer entry point.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: That's all.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: And softness doesn't grow in mental overload.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: So this is the piece almost no one talks about the transition gap.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: And this is my secret.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: This is my gift to you for this podcast.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: There is no transition in most households.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: Think about it.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: Think about your day right now.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: And let's kind of fast forward to late afternoon.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: You go from work brain to dinner logistics to cleaning to collapsing a bed, right?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that sounds like most of our lives, I'm assuming yours too.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: There is no bridge between productivity and intimacy.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: So here's your first intervention.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: I call it the 4 p.m.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: shift.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's before dinner and before your evening tasks.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: What I want you to do is create a five to ten minute intentional reset.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: And here's some incredible suggestions that really truly work, and I've done them all.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: So even if you work at home, I want you to change your clothes.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: Change your clothes after 4 p.m.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: I also want you to step outside and breathe fresh air.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to listen to the birds.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to close your eyes and feel the sun on your face.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to sit quietly, maybe even have a glass of wine outside.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to stretch.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: Where's your body feeling tension?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: Is it in your shoulders?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: I know I carry my shoulders up by my earloams during my day, my workday.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: So stretch.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Or even sometimes I even take a shower.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: If I feel like I've just, I just want to clean the day off of my body, I just take a shower.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: And remember, breathe deeply.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Take an inhale, and as you exhale, really push, really exhale longer than your inhalations.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: It'll begin to put you in a more of a relaxed state of mind, if you will.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: So what you're doing here during this time is you're signaling to your body, you're shifting modes.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: You cannot skip this and expect a different outcome at night if you don't try those.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's like flooring the gas pedal without changing gears at all.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: So what we're really doing is we're changing gears here.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we want to do.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: So I I promise you, this really does make a huge difference.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: So what we want to do now is we want to think about, be creative.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: What other ways do you can you shift gears?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: So this week, I don't want you to focus on stress.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: What I want you to focus is on your bandwidth.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: How much do you got in you?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: Here's your reset.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to reduce one drain.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: Identify one thing that is mentally draining that you can reduce or delegate or postpone this week, just one.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because desire needs margin or about our boundaries.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: So you can't do everything.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I know that's something that I hate when people say that to me, and I hate even saying it because we try to do everything, right?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: But intimacy is so important for each one of us.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: So, in order to reduce the executive mode burning that we have, just identify one thing that's draining you.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: And like I said, reduce reduce it, delegate it, or postpone it.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: All right, and then create one transition.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: Commit, you know, at that 4 p.m.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: or 5 p.m., whatever you, whatever time, but around that time period, I want you to commit to your five to ten minute daily reset between productivity and now it's your personal time.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: And that is non-negotiable.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: Non-negotiable.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: So think about what your transition is.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: First of all, we're gonna reduce one drain.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: Second of all, we're gonna create one transitional period.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: Change your clothes, take a shower, go outside, take a breath of fresh air, let the sun hit your face, whatever it may be.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, the third step, we're gonna add one connection ritual.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: 10 seconds, face-to-face, eye contact, no phones, no agenda.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: You are building presence.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to perform, it's not performance.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: You're not you're off work, you're off the clock.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: So you're building, you're rebuilding, I should say, your presence to your partner.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: So pressure shrinks desire.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: So we want to eliminate that pressure.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: And but you know what expands it?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: Presence.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: So reduce pressure and expand your presence with your partner.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: Next thing I want you to know, if I call it like protecting the flicker, that little flame.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: When you notice even the smallest shift, guess what?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: Protect it.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: Look for it.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like we have talked about in previous podcasts before, a longer hug.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: I love when a hug remains a little longer than normal.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: You'll know it.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: You'll know.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: You'll feel this internal clock go expired.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: I need to stop hugging.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: Nope, nope, nope.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: Hang on.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: Hang on to that longer hug.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: How about a moment of laughter?
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: If you see something or something that made you laugh during the day, or whatever, just laugh, do something funny.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: Or a kiss that feels warmer.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um, a thought, maybe, that lingers more.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: So the other thing I want to tell you is don't compare it to who you were 20 years ago.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: All right, you can't.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: You're different now.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: So just notice it.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: Desire returns quietly.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: It comes back when your energy comes back.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: So if you don't want sex at night, stop making it mean something catastrophic.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: Ask instead, was I overloaded today?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: Did I go through a transitional period today?
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: Did I allow myself time for decompression?
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: Did I feel more than a responsibility holder?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it may not be about desire at all.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: Remember that.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: It may be that you are mentally maxed out and physically spent.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: And that is something you can change.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: You have the power to change.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: So remember, foreplay starts at 8 07 a.m.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: sharp.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna think about that tomorrow.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: It starts in how much you carry through the day, and when you carry less, and when you feel more.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: Ah, I love this episode.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: I hope you walked away with some goodies.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Kim, and this is my sexy menopause body.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: And this week, guess what?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: I hope you recover.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: Faster, sooner, and be more fulfilled.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: Until next time, take care.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is your time to own your power.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: Rewrite the rules and show up unapologetically.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because sexy doesn't expire.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: You definitely didn't have to do that.