Latest / SECOND CLOCK™ / SEASON 7 | DYSREGULATED

Transcript

SEASON 7 | DYSREGULATED · SECOND CLOCK™

0:01
What's your true nature? Your essence?
0:03
What makes you tick? This journey to find out is what
0:07
I refer to as your second clock. It's a chance to discover,
0:11
experience, challenge, and reconnect with what you value
0:14
most. Through clarity, love,
0:17
acceptance and reflection, you'll find your answers.
0:21
And what happens when you do? Well, You'll find you.
0:25
Join me. Click, follow, like, and
0:28
subscribe and let's see where this leads.
0:33
I sat there listening to a seemingly stranger work through
0:37
his issues in front of me. Now, I'm not a therapist, but I
0:42
guess he felt comfortable to share.
0:45
First, he shared that what I said to him made him
0:49
uncomfortable. I wasn't asking him what he
0:53
thought, I was just telling him something, a story, and the next
0:58
thing I've got a finger pointed at me and then he was slinging
1:04
shame my way and apologizing at the same time.
1:10
It was all very confusing, but not for me, not anymore, that
1:15
is. When I was younger, I was used
1:18
to these situations. I even welcomed them.
1:22
I kind of considered myself a lion tamer, if you will.
1:26
I remember when I was 22, I took a job working at a local
1:30
restaurant in New York City. My parents knew the owner.
1:34
He had a fiery temper, and people all just shrugged it off,
1:38
thinking, well, he's been in the restaurant industry for so long,
1:42
you have to have a fiery temper if you're going to make it.
1:46
I accepted that to be true. I don't believe that that's the
1:49
truth anymore, but at the time, people figured out that I was
1:55
pretty good at managing his moods.
1:58
I didn't know why I was good at the time.
2:01
I just knew that that was the role that I was being given.
2:04
Make sure that he stays calm and steady, and if you start to see
2:10
him bubble up or get ready to explode, distract him, Remove
2:16
him from the situation. Step in front of him.
2:20
Don't let people see. Because I had taken on this role
2:24
so easily, I welcomed it into all facets of my life.
2:30
I did that with friendships, I did that in relationships, I did
2:34
that with my family and I did that with my last job, my last
2:40
boss. People were always watching his
2:42
moods, trying to manage them, trying to get ahead of them or
2:46
avoid them all together. I guess that's referred to as
2:49
somebody that's dysregulated, somebody that's emotional,
2:54
volatile. And when you're all those
2:58
things, you become unpredictable and a liability.
3:03
But I didn't see that all at once, not until I sat with this
3:09
guy. I can't refer to him as a
3:11
friend. He didn't act like a friend that
3:13
day. And I sat and listened to him
3:16
talk and share. I watched him first get
3:21
uncomfortable, become reactive, become accusatory, try to
3:28
distance himself from the situation he created.
3:33
Then when I didn't react, I didn't get offended, I didn't
3:38
leave, and I didn't shame him. I saw him soften.
3:44
I saw himself soothe. Calm down, backpedal, apologize,
3:52
and then try to make it seem like everything was OK again.
3:57
And that's when I identified it. This person is emotional and I
4:02
don't need to help manage his emotions.
4:06
I never needed to help manage anybody's emotions.
4:10
Nobody does. Unless, of course, you're
4:14
raising a child or working with children.
4:18
I don't know why it took me so long to figure that out.
4:21
I took on so many people's behaviors and moods and their
4:24
swings as though they were mine to own, mine to fix, mine to
4:30
mend. And the truth is, no, you have
4:35
to let other people do their own heavy lifting, their own mending
4:39
fences. As I sat back and thought about
4:43
this conversation with this person, I thought back to so
4:46
many conversations that I'd had with people where they just blew
4:50
their top, felt comfortable lashing out at me.
4:58
It's as though I'd given them permission, or given them some
5:00
kind of idea that it was OK, that I was going to accept,
5:05
repair and move on. Maybe that permission is
5:10
unspoken, in words, that is, but it's spoken in actions.
5:17
When you disregard somebody's inconsistencies, when you show
5:21
up even when they don't, When you shrug off a comment that
5:26
doesn't land well for you, but you just think, what's the big
5:31
deal? Why make it a big deal?
5:35
Maybe that's how we give people permission, permission to treat
5:38
us in ways that we don't want. For women, we're taught to be
5:43
easygoing. I can't say that women are
5:47
easygoing or inclined to be easygoing, but apparently the
5:51
dream scenario is that you are easygoing.
5:54
You don't ruffle anybody's feathers.
5:57
You don't get in anybody's way. But I found that that doesn't
6:01
work because inevitably it builds resentment inside you.
6:07
You keep your thoughts to yourself, you go with the flow,
6:11
and the next thing you know, you don't remember what it is that
6:13
you want and what it is that you're just doing because you're
6:17
being told to do it or you're expected to do it.
6:22
So let me go back to that conversation with that guy.
6:26
As he was talking to me, I had no interest in repairing
6:30
anything. I had no interest in even being
6:33
in the conversation. So I sat there more like a
6:37
spectator, trying to understand how somebody can become so
6:42
dysregulated, how one minute they can be seemingly fine and
6:47
the next minute triggered, triggered by one word here or
6:53
there. And I realized how they perceive
6:58
something, how they internalize something, their history with an
7:02
idea or a notion is what does it.
7:07
And sometimes you have very little to do with how it
7:09
happened or why it happened, but you just find yourself caught up
7:13
in the mix. I sat there observing him,
7:19
watching him take all of his tools out of his imaginary
7:22
toolbox. First with his words, he was
7:25
trying to break things. Then he was trying to put them
7:28
back together. And I realized all of that was a
7:32
lot. His unpredictability was too
7:35
much for me. I felt like I couldn't trust
7:39
him. I couldn't feel safe around him
7:42
because I didn't understand him. I didn't understand how somebody
7:46
can go from zero to 60 like that and then return back to
7:51
baseline. Before this, I would have
7:55
thought that it was a challenge to defuse this person, their
7:59
mood. Somehow.
8:01
I would have thought I played a role in it, that I contributed
8:05
to all of this reaction. I would have thought that I was
8:10
that lion tamer, but I see differently now.
8:15
I can look back on old situations that have happened
8:18
where somebody has just lost their cool in my direction and I
8:24
thought it was mine to own. And of course, saying something
8:28
that triggers somebody is going to play a hand in it, but it
8:32
shouldn't be a giant hand. You shouldn't be worrying about
8:37
unpredictability at work. Somebody's mood shifting so fast
8:41
and out of nowhere that things are being flung your way or
8:45
tables are being banged. I've had several bosses do both.
8:50
Not necessarily all at me, but it doesn't matter.
8:54
Word spreads in those situations.
8:57
You shouldn't be worried about somebody insulting you just so
9:00
that you'll stay put, stay quiet.
9:04
I remember that when this guy finally cooled down, he said to
9:09
me, I'm sorry if I insulted you, I didn't want to offend you.
9:17
And then like a knee jerk reaction, I felt the need to
9:20
protect myself. And I said something that I
9:24
never thought I would think or say.
9:28
And I meant it. I said no person has the power
9:34
to offend me. I know who I am, so I'm good
9:40
right now. I just want to understand what
9:42
it is that you're trying to tell me.
9:45
So stay honest. Even as I say that now.
9:50
I couldn't believe how self assured I was.
9:54
I really meant it. Why should we turn over the
9:57
reins of our feelings to somebody because they're having
10:02
emotional moment, because they're volatile, because they
10:07
can't process information in real time and regulate?
10:12
Why should we bear their emotional burden?
10:15
I don't want to do that anymore, and I found that I'm not.
10:20
Somehow my need to show up for people, help them work through
10:25
their emotions, help them get to the other side, isn't something
10:30
I care to stand by and watch them do anymore.
10:33
I don't want to be a part of it. So if this topic is foreign to
10:37
you and you've never helped somebody get back on track,
10:43
consider yourself lucky. A lot of us grew up in
10:46
situations where we were walking on egg shells.
10:49
We were hyper vigilant, making sure we were staying one step
10:53
ahead of whoever was unpredictable.
10:57
For me, it was my mom. I've talked about this in the
11:00
past, but it's important that I go back to it for a minute, not
11:06
to label things or bring out a victim's story, but more just to
11:11
say I know where it came from. I think it's important to know
11:15
why you do the things you do. I think it's important to know
11:17
why you show up the way you do. My mom being an alcoholic meant
11:22
that her moods went with her day.
11:26
If she was having a good day, maybe she didn't need to drink.
11:30
If she was having a bad day, maybe she did.
11:33
If she wanted to unwind, maybe wine was the way to do it.
11:38
And every time she made those decisions, she inadvertently
11:41
dragged me into them because her mood would change.
11:46
And I became really good at detecting it.
11:49
I became good at trying to figure out how to avoid it or
11:53
head right into the storm. And so many of us have lived
11:57
this reality. We've had to manage somebody's
12:01
moods. We've had to think that we could
12:04
actually help avoid them or fix them.
12:08
We thought that if we said one thing right, or avoided saying
12:11
one thing wrong, that everything would stay calm, safe.
12:18
But I realize now something that I should have realized a long
12:20
time ago. It's not our job to fix things.
12:25
It's not our job to stick around and allow people to believe that
12:29
they can act this way, that they can make us feel dysregulated,
12:35
that they could mess with how we are, our moods, our emotional
12:39
state. I don't welcome that anymore.
12:43
And I took a conversation with pretty much a stranger for me to
12:47
figure that out, that my true essence, my real nature, is not
12:53
the nature that I acquired when I was a child, when I learned
12:57
how to adapt. Now I return back to a natural
13:02
neutral state, one where I don't want to be around a liability.
13:08
I don't want to be around somebody that I think I have to
13:11
worry about. I don't think anybody should
13:14
have to be in that situation. And my last thought about that
13:19
guy who became triggered because of something said and then
13:25
dysregulated, I could tell how hard it was for him.
13:30
I walked the whole cycle in front of me and in the end, I
13:34
took a sigh of relief knowing that I no longer carry someone
13:39
else's emotional burden. Because now it's not about
13:44
trying to fix things. Calm somebody down.
13:48
Instead, it's about you taking yourself out of the emotional
13:52
mix and staying regulated along the way.
13:59
Thanks for listening. These episodes are unscripted.
14:03
They're my free flowing thoughts as I reflect back on past
14:06
conversations, experiences, what I've learned, would like to do
14:10
better, and what's next. Join me on Thursdays for new
14:14
episodes and catch up on past episodes.
14:16
Click Follow, Like and subscribe and let's see where this leads.