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The Double Standard: You’re "Stressed" but They’re "Selfish" · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for May 19, 2026 The Doubled Standard You're stressed,
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  but they're selfish Today's cognitive biases are fundamental attribution error
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  and self-serving bias Fundamental attribution error is the tendency to attribute
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  your own negative actions to external circumstances while attributing your partner's
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  behavior to their character So when you're rude,
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  it's because you were stressed or rushed When she's rude, it's because she's selfish
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  If he leaves the dishes undone, it's because he's lazy.
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  If you leave them undone, it's because you had a horrible day or you're getting sick.
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  When you're late, it's due to unforeseen traffic. When your spouse is late,
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  it's because they are unreliable or refuse to keep track of time.
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  When you don't want to talk, it's because you had a mentally exhausting day
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  and need space. When they don't want to talk, they are grumpy or don't care about you.
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  In short, we give ourselves every possible benefit of the doubt,
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  plus a few that are questionable.
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  But we don't cut our spouse much, if any, slack.
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  We're better than them, and they need to step up their game.
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  This results in anger and a sense of betrayal.
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  A way to challenge this is to try and find valid reasons.
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  So, for example, the next time your spouse is late, try to invent three external
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  excuses for them, such as traffic, a last-minute phone call,
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  or a lost key, instead of a character flaw.
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  Self-serving bias is a tendency to take credit for successes while blaming our spouse for failures.
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  It can also manifest as minimizing your mistakes while exaggerating those of your spouse.
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  So when your marriage gets better, it's because of the hard work you put in.
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  When your relationship suffers, it's because of what your spouse has been doing wrong.
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  You see the things you do around the house as more difficult or more important
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  than the things your partner does.
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  Arguments are always her fault, never your fault. When he hurts you, you're a victim.
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  When you hurt him, he needs to stop being so sensitive. This bias can make your spouse feel unseen,
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  unheard, or unfairly blamed It undermines compassion
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  and trust Both of these biases are based on
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  retelling the facts to make ourselves better and our spouse worse
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  This is normal human behavior we use to protect ourselves But being normal doesn't
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  make it right Nor does it keep it from hurting our spouse and our marriage Being
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  able to accurately see ourselves and what we do is far more difficult than it
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  should be But it's necessary for a healthy, growing marriage,
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  One way to work on this is to ask a trusted friend to get in your business and
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  tell you when they think you're being unfair.
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  This is Paul, and seeing yourself honestly makes it so much easier to do marriage well.