Latest / The Diva Details / When Night Sweats Steal Desire: Reclaiming Sleep, Sex & Energy

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When Night Sweats Steal Desire: Reclaiming Sleep, Sex & Energy · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Detail. Welcome to
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the Diva Detail, where bold, confident women
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embrace life unapologetically. From love and
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sex to wellness and reinvention, we keep
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it raw, real, and powerful.
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No filters, no limits, just fearless
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conversations to help you thrive. Let's dive in with Diva
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Mia and Diva Kat.
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Hello, this is Diva Mia. And today we're going to talk about sleep
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and night sweats and sex drive all wrapped up into one.
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I think sometimes as women, we think we're supposed to figure out things
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magically on our own. We're tough. We figured out how to
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have babies. We figured out how to parent them.
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And a lot of times we don't seek answers on things we think we should
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already know about. Today, we're going to talk something that can quietly wreck your sex
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life and your longevity is sleep. For me, sleep is
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so important. Important. More specifically, what happens to you when you're exhausted?
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I have a friend I was just talking to and she's having so much difficulty
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sleeping. She's a nurse and just the anxiety, I think sometimes
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gets to us. If you're waking up drenched and you're going through menopause sweaty,
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or you're throwing the covers off because you're pulling them back on and
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you're starting at around 3 o'clock, you're having issues and then wondering
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why you're not particularly interested in having sex after you
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haven't slept. Here's the connection we don't talk about enough. It's difficult to
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feel sexy when you're exhausted. And during perimenopause and menopause, sleep problems and
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sexual changes, they collide at about the exact same time together.
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You're old. You were used to say, oh, I'm ready. I'm good to go.
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But now maybe not tonight. Or my personal favorite is don't touch
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me. I finally found the cold side of the pillow. Or,
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you know, let me relax and calm down before we have sex.
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This is the— if this, if that resonates with you, this episode's for you.
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So today we're going to talk about why sleep and libido are connected and what
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night sweats have to do with it. For women that have night
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sweats and not everybody does when they go through, through menopause,
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you know, there's hormones that are involved and you have to build a practical
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sleep ladder. You have to do a lot of steps now just to get
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to sleep. And then bedtime intimacy, sometimes you have to reset
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it. And so that you can say yes again and feel sexy again, even when
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you're a little tired, you might find ways around it. And we're going to talk
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about ways to get the best night's sleep you can. When you're going through menopause.
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So let's establish something that's important. Sleep problems during menopause
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are so common, but menopause isn't always the only
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culprit. Sometimes it's hot flashes, night sweats,
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but sometimes it's just changes in the mood or in your sexual desire
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as well. But other things can pile on too. So if you have stress,
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maybe stress from work or stress with the kids, or, you know, you're doing too
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much, you've said yes to too many things, or you've been drinking or had too
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much caffeine late in the day. You know, the difference is, is when
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we get older, those things affect us. And some of us are on
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medications that can have a big impact or just anxiety in
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general. And then you may not have sleep apnea, but your partner may,
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or they snore, or you have, or you have pain in
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areas you didn't have pain before, or you might even have restless legs
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or all of these things can affect your sleep.
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And sometimes we just take on too much. And something happens,
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you know, when your brain decides at 2:47 every morning that it's the ideal
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time to review every questionable decision you made in 1998. It's exhausting.
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Or you wake up with a new business idea and you want to create some
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type of business solution or company. That's happened too. I've had it
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personally happen. So don't automatically assume that every sleep problem is just
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menopause. Sometimes it's our brain just on overdrive. And if you're suddenly,
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you know, suddenly if you've see dramatic changes, you snore heavily,
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you wake up gasping for air, you might have sleep apnea. And that
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can also create persistent insomnia because now you're afraid of choking
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in your sleep, which can cause insomnia. So let's talk about night sweats
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though, because that happens to a lot of women as well.
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And hot flashes at night aren't merely uncomfortable. They can
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repeat, repeatedly interrupt your sleep and they can cause fear and anxiety.
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Imagine that your body is trying to move through a normal sleep cycle and suddenly
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your internal thermostat goes rogue and heats you up and you're hot, you're awake,
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you throw off the covers and then you get really cold.
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So your covers go back on. Maybe you need to go get up and go
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pee. Maybe your partner moves and they wake you up and then you, your brain
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wakes up again. And so you've woken up several times. This again
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is why I've been talking about having a sleep ring, an Oura or
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some other type of ring that can track your sleep. But you know, sometimes getting
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a fantastic 4 hours is all that you can get for sleep.
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That's, that's not good for your body. It's not good for your weight. That's not
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good for your health. Even when you remembered every awakening the next morning,
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fragmented sleep can leave you feeling depleted and exhausted.
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Then when your conversations about sex begin, your libido is
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kind of, it's retired. Your libido says, I want to take
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a break. It doesn't, it doesn't want to kick in because you're tired.
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Your sexual response is connected to your brain, nervous system, hormones,
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physical comfort, relationships, even the environment and
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overall energy. That's why they also say you should be sleeping between 65
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and 68, especially when you're in menopause. You're going to need the cooler
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environment. When your body desperately wants sleep, sex can move pretty far down
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the priority list. Women sometimes interpret their declining desire and sexual desire
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as evidence that something's wrong with them or in their, in their relationship.
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Sometimes there's a relationship problem, but sometimes it's just hormones. Think about
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what chronic sleep disruption can affect. It affects your energy,
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your mood, your stress tolerance. I know when I don't sleep,
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little things bother me that may not have bothered me before. You have emotional regulation
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and sometimes our emotional regulation gets a little unregulated because we haven't
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slept. How motivated are you to start that new project the next day when you
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only had 2 hours of sleep? Your body image suffers because you're gaining
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weight because you're not sleeping. Your exercise recovery, if you
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are working out, decreases, and then your patience in
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your relationship and sexual interest towards your partner decreases.
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Then add in vaginal dryness or discomfort, night sweats, and work,
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kids, aging parents, and all of a sudden your
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partner becomes lowest on your priority list. Suddenly your low libido starts
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looking a little more complicated. It's got all these issues. This is why I want
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you to stop treating libido as one little hormone dial.
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It's got so many things that are going on. Sexual desire is
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more like a mixing board. Sleep is one dial, hormones is another,
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stress is another, and then quality of relationship is another.
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And don't forget that physical comfort and body confidence.
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All of those things together can impact your sleep, can impact your sexual libido.
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I know we've been talking about it a little bit in the last few podcasts,
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but it's so important. You can have several of those turned down simultaneously.
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It totally affects your sleep. Let's talk hormones without pretending
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that there's the answer. This is the answer to everything because a lot of people
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think it is. Let me just go get some hormone replacement. And I'll fix everything
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because during menopause and menopause estrogen and progesterone change
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significantly. Progesterone is one of the big ones that affects sleep, but testosterone
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also changes across adulthood and can play a role in our sexual
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function. Declining estrogen can contribute to where you have vaginal
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dryness, burning, irritation. Sex just hurts.
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Let's be honest. Sometimes sex just hurts. I've had that problem before in my past.
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Before, maybe the person was comfortable, but now it's uncomfortable because it hurts.
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And then you get urinary tract infections sometimes, or you get changes in your vaginal
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tissue. And pain is not, it's not an aphrodisiac.
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It, it hurts. If your brain has learned that sex hurts, avoiding sex is completely
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a predictable response. We don't want to do things that are painful.
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That's why it's so hard to get people to consistently go to the gym sometimes.
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There's treatment available though. So depending on your health history and
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symptoms, a doctor can just, you can discuss options on vaginal
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moisturizers, internal estrogen, lubricants, et cetera.
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There's just different things you can do to help with that, but every piece
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of the puzzle you're going to have to work at. And I know it seems
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overwhelming. I know you feel like every week there's something new
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you have to fix, but believe me, once you get some of these things resolved,
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life will just open up and it'll be much easier.
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Systemic menopausal hormone therapy may also be considered
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too, if you're, if you're in this situation, especially women that
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have symptoms such as hot flash, night sweats, and vaginal dryness, because hormone
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therapy isn't appropriate for every woman and Your decision should be individualized based
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on your medical history and risk factors and talk to your doctor, but it is
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definitely something that might be needed. And testosterone also deserves its own
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careful consideration. I know some women don't want to go on testosterone,
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but they give you such a low dose that it's good if
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you can get the right doctor to give you the right dose. Therapy is sometimes
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considered for, you know, certain postmenopausal women for testosterone,
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especially if you have low sexual desire and everything else seems to be okay in
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your relationship. This isn't something to self-prescribe though, or to
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get from someone that's not qualified to give it because most testosterone does
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not automatically equal more libido, but it can help.
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It's just a helping. It's like a ladder. So you have to build your sleep
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ladder. So instead of throwing 12 supplements at insomnia
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and hoping one knocks you unconscious, you need to think of it as a sleep
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ladder. When you start one thing, start one thing and then see how it helps
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and then see if you need more. Make your bedtime actually conducive
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to sleep too. You got to have a cool bedroom. You have to have breathable
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bedding and sleepwear or sleep naked. Sleeping naked, I highly recommend.
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It is actually very comforting as long as you can lock kids out of the
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room and you can reduce unnecessary light.
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If you have light in the bedroom, that's not good for sleeping. Make sure you
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have an eye mask if you have any light at all, or get rid of
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the light, get some room blackout or room darkening. Curtains. I have
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those as well. And then limit noise or use a consistent background that
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whenever it plays, your mind knows this is my sleep time. In nature,
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there's not a lot of noise, but there is some. It's not
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silent. So if you were sleeping out camping, you would hear some crickets,
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possibly a little bit of breeze. So it's nice to have a little bit of
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white noise or brown noise in the background that can help. If you have a
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partner that snores, that's not brown noise or white noise. You need to figure something
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out to resolve that situation. But having a little bit of noise, maybe ocean waves
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or some type of peaceful noise is great. If night sweats are the major problem,
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think in layers. Maybe you sleep naked.
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I mean, I honestly think that's a really good solution. It does
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help because if you have to throw off the covers, you can. And you want
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things you can remove quickly. And then you may have to put clothes on if
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you're having night sweats or just have extra blankets nearby. But you
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know, you have to, there's consistency and you have to run with a rhythm with
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your sleep. You should be going to bed at the same time every night.
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You should be waking up consistently, even on the weekends. Just get
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in the habit. If you're, if you need to go to bed at 8:30 to
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get up at 4:00 AM, make that happen. If you need to go to bed
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at 9 or 10 because you need to get up at 7 or 8,
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that's your deal. But figure out exactly how much sleep
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you need and your rhythm. Don't do the bare minimum because the bare minimum sleep,
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because I can, I can survive on 4 and 5 hours of sleep, but I'm
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not thriving. What you can survive on and what you thrive on are 2 different
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things. You need to document your morning routine and your nightly routine and get them
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dialed in. So you're doing the exact same thing every morning, the exact same thing
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every night. Maybe you take magnesium, but maybe you take
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a sleep aid, but figure out what's working for you and getting
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natural light after waking up in the morning helps with your circadian rhythm. So if
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you can get outside even for 5 or 10 minutes in the morning, that's going
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to help. You should also be moving. Don't just sit on your butt all day.
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Get out there and walk, lift some weights, go swimming, do yoga, whatever works
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for your body. But regular exercise is going to help you sleep better as well.
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Sometimes intense exercise though can stimulate and
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make it harder to sleep. So if you're lifting weights and you're lifting a little
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too heavy, it may be that that's disrupting your sleep or it's causing soreness
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in your body. So you don't sleep very well. So here's what
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to watch for with the sleep disruptions, because You need
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to be detective. And do you have worse sleep when you drink at night or
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have a late meal? Honestly, I wish that dinner places opened up at 4 or
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5 instead of like 5:30 or 6, because I think we should
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all be eating very early. You, you've got to have a 3-hour
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break between the time you eat and the time you go to sleep in order
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to have your liver process food correctly anyway. So you need
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that break. Also, you shouldn't be having caffeine or coffee too late.
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Even green tea can, can affect sleep. Also, try not to have an argument with
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your spouse or your children 9 o'clock at night. That's not going to help.
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You sleep because then your mind's going to be thinking about that argument and replaying
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it in your head all night long. Sometimes there's stressful situations. There might be a
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death of a partner or a family member, or you could have
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a breakup or a fight and that creates stress late
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at night. And then your brain runs through it during the night and you need
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to be able to clear your head at night. And then scrolling from social media
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in bed is a very bad thing because you're going to, A, you're going to
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have a lot of blue light and B, it's going to keep you up and
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thinking about something that maybe you shouldn't be focused on. And also double-check
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your bedroom. Is it too warm? Can you keep it down to 65 to 67?
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If you keep the bedroom cooler, it's going to make you sleep better.
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Alcohol is the particularly sneaky one because most people think, oh, if I drink,
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I'll be able to fall asleep later, but you're not sleeping. You don't have quality
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sleep. And then caffeine can hang around much longer than people think.
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I don't recommend having caffeine after 2 o'clock. And a lot of people have
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it after dinner, but then it may keep you up at night. So if you're
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struggling to sleep, cut out the caffeine earlier and cut out the alcohol.
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Your body needs to transition from doing whatever it's doing to
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sleeping. And a lot of people need a transition runway.
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They need 30 to 60 minutes. So when they get into bed, they fall right
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to sleep. So you have to dim the lights. You put away your work.
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Maybe you stop, get off your phone at 7 or 8 o'clock at night.
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You turn down any stimulation, you turn off the TV. Some people do
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yoga at night and stretch or read, and it puts them to sleep. I know
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me reading a book helps me sleep. And then if you can take a warm
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shower or bath before you go to sleep, that might help
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as well, but relax in the way that works for you. 'Cause everyone's
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a little unique. Meditation, slowing breathing, whatever your ritual is,
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but get a consistent ritual so you can do it every single day. And then
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remember that you need to treat the actual problem. So if it's
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night sweats, you're going to have to figure out what you can do. Maybe there's
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some supplements you can take, some hormones you can take to help with that.
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If it's vaginal pain after intimacy, you might need to figure
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out solutions to help with vaginal dryness or soreness. And then if
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you're snoring and waking up exhausted, maybe you need to get a sleep study done
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and determine if you have sleep apnea. Restless legs also can
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keep people up. And I know that was mine for a while. And I found
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out I was having a magnesium deficiency and that assisted me, but you'll have to
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find out what's going on with you specifically. And sometimes you need
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a cognitive behavior therapist to analyze everything to see what's going on.
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So you may need medical intervention because sometimes the best
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sleep aid isn't a pill. It's a process or certain
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things that you do right before you go to sleep. And then there's the bedroom
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intimacy reset. Now I'm a lover of having sex right before bed
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because it makes me exhausted and I pass out pretty quickly. But one
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mistake couples make is allowing bedtime to become
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the only possible window for intimacy. You can have intimacy in the morning. You can
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have it at lunch. You've worked all day, handled responsibilities. So sometimes people
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come home and they're not, they're not in the mood to have sex. I understand
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that as well. But maybe you figure out solutions to
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make your intimacy funner. Maybe you have a lunch date. Maybe you
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have a morning before the kids get up. Figure out something to keep the
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intimacy going because intimacy helps with sleep as well.
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You're supposed to become sexually enthusiastic, but maybe not at 10:30
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at night. Maybe that's your downtime. Maybe that's when you want to sleep. Because sometimes
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when women have sex late at night, It makes it harder for them to sleep
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at night. It depends on the woman. Your timing just needs to change. Maybe have
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it in the morning or during a shower or after a nap. Stop assuming
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sex has to belong at bedtime and stop assuming sex has to be
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in the bedroom. It's fun to explore different places and go different locations
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and have it at different times of the day. 'Cause some women moving intimacy 2
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or 3 hours earlier can change the entire experience. It can make it
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funner for people. I hope that you can keep intimacy going. Late into
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your 70s and 80s, because ladies, we're having sex for a very
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long time. Men, they give out a little bit sooner, so you might have to
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help them along, but sex should be something fun.
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So here's another reset. If you're not ever,
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if you're not affectionate during the day, if you're not touching each other during the
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day, sex at night sometimes becomes more robotic and that's
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not fun either. So sometimes try to cuddle and initiate
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cuddling or playfulness because that helps with
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intimacy. Maybe you just hold hands or you're massaging each other's shoulders, or you lie
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together and kiss or cuddle and talk, that's intimate as well.
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And sometimes then you don't stop there. You keep going because if
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you're safe and relaxed with a person, you're going to create a space
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for desire. And the pressure usually does the opposite if it's just
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sex in bed. So create the intimacy prior to going to
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bed. And sometimes it's spontaneous. Other times it's responsive
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based off desires. This is one of the biggest concepts I want women to understand
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is desire doesn't always happen first. People experience a spontaneous desire.
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They're sitting there doing absolutely nothing. And suddenly you think sex sounds fantastic and
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they go have sex. And sometimes women initiate it and sometimes men, but that means
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interest may develop as well with a responsive type of desire.
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So maybe you're flirting, kissing, or touching, but then the sequence can look more like
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you have connection, then you touch, and then you get aroused. Now there's desire or
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desire initiates sex. This distinction can be
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freeing. You don't have to be completely desiring sex in
18:18
order to have sex. It can lead your— with you and your
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partner, you can start playful touching and just talking and have
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intimacy, and then it can lead to sex. You don't necessarily need to feel
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wildly turned on before intimacy starts, but that's
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an important boundary here because responsive desire does not mean forcing
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yourself to have sex when you don't want to either. There's a huge difference between
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I'm not turned on yet, but I'm open to see where this goes. And I
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don't want this. Your no still matters. I'm not saying it doesn't, but create an
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intimacy buffer. So 20-minute intimacy before deciding whether you're having sex,
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maybe no television, no phones, no chores, no discussing the mortgage
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or arguing about what happened with the dishwasher or who
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didn't do what task for the day. Just connect. Maybe you take a shower,
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you play some music, you give a massage, you light a candle, you cuddle.
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So that's another thing you can do. Have a sign that one of you is
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in the mood. That way it's not a pressure thing. And if the other one's
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not in the mood, maybe you just blow out the candle. You're giving your nervous
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system time to move on from responsible mode to relationship
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mode to sexual mode if you choose to, but you don't have to force it.
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But having some type of signal helps as well. It's just kind
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of playful and fun. Have a 7-day reset, you know, just fix your bedroom,
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cool it down, make sure it's clean, make sure it's tidy and organized.
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Then add non-sexual touching. And flirtation for a while.
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Maybe have a few days off from sex or sexual pressure and just have
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intimacy with your partner again and have that conversation because that's
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truly what we want. When you're in a relationship, you want intimacy. You want connection.
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That's the fun part of being in a relationship with someone. And sometimes it
19:54
is time to get medical help. If you're having hot flashes or bleeding or
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dryness, you need to get help. Maybe for some of the
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things that menopause are causing. Sometimes you're having depression and you need
20:05
some help as well, or daytime fatigue because you've got sleep apnea.
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All those things can be affected. But once you get help, you should—
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life should start to open up for you because sleep is the foundation
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to your entire life. Because sleep does lead to better
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health quality, better motivation, better sex. And women, sometimes we
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chase the libido that we had at 25. I'm not convinced that, you know,
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always that the right goal at 25. I think I had less of a libido
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than I do now. At 45, 55, 60, you may not
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understand your body. You just don't understand why your libido has changed and
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your yes can become more intentional, more selective, confident.
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Frankly, I think it's more interesting. You may need different
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stimulation. There's toys you can incorporate. There's more emotional
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connection you can have, more time or lubrication and different timing,
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even better sleep, but there should be less pressure. It's not, you don't have
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a defective sex drive. You, you just need more information and,
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and To take more time for you and figure out exactly what works.
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So here's your challenge for the week. If you can protect your sleep, like it
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matters to your sex life, because it does, try to get at least 8 hours
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of sleep. You build your sleep ladder, the things that work for you to make
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sure your sleep is better. And then cool down the bedroom, make sure that
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the bedroom's cool. Make sure that the climate works for you. Then identify if
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anything's waking you. Is it a dog or children or lights or noise next
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door? Figure out solutions to make your sleep the most important thing,
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because then you treat the symptom that that needs treated. And then you'll have
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more intimacy. And if you can figure out the best time of the day that
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you both like intimacy, that may actually give you more energy as well and
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bring back affectionate touching without obligation. Because sleep
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is important to intimacy and intimacy is important to sleep. So give, you know,
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responsive desire enough time to show up. And sometimes rebuilding
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your sex life starts with something surprisingly uneasy,
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getting a really good night's sleep. So this is Diva Mia and
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the Diva Details where Where we talk about love, sex,
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wellness. I hope that you're having a wonderful week. Until next time,
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protect your sleep, protect your energy, protect your power, stay strong,
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and never apologize for knowing exactly what your body needs. Have a great week.
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.com to connect. See you next week for more.
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Diva Details podcast and website are intended solely for informational and entertainment purposes. The content
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provided does not constitute professional medical, financial, or legal advice. We are not licensed medical
22:39
practitioners, financial advisors, or legal professionals. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider for medical
22:43
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