Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / If Your Wife Finds You Attractive It Doesn't Really Matter (In This Sense)

Transcript

If Your Wife Finds You Attractive It Doesn't Really Matter (In This Sense) · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
• 0:08
  This is season four of the Doctor Psych Mom Show, so every
• 0:12
  time I do 200 episodes, I make it another season.
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  So that means that I've done over 600 episodes now, which is
• 0:20
  great because I've only really been doing it for a little over
• 0:23
  2 years. So.
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  And I've had a million listens and it's all going well.
• 0:28
  I don't like podcasts. I don't know how any of you
• 0:30
  listen to this, but God bless you that you do.
• 0:33
  So that's very nice. And I did this on request.
• 0:38
  You know, people kept asking me to do it and I didn't want to do
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  it because I don't like podcasts myself.
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  And then I thought as I tell my children, it doesn't matter what
• 0:47
  you want, if it's a good idea, it's a good idea.
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  So I kind of doesn't really matter if I want to or not.
• 0:56
  So if it's a good idea, then people want it, then I should
• 0:59
  try, right? So I tried and it's, you know,
• 1:01
  not terrible to record these. It's certainly a format to Live
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  journal what I am thinking and it seems to appeal to other
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  people, and that's good. All right.
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  Anyway, today we will be talking about attraction.
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  So before we get into attraction and the incendiary idea that
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  attraction doesn't actually matter the way that men on the
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  Internet would have you believe, especially men selling shit, I
• 1:29
  will first tell you to subscribe because out of those 600
• 1:32
  episodes are over 150 subscriber only episodes.
• 1:36
  The link to subscribe is in all of the podcast descriptions, the
• 1:41
  episode description, so you will get all that extra info,
• 1:45
  including oral sex on women. It's the only one anybody ever
• 1:49
  cares about. But there's a there's 150 others
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  that are great too. Most recently it was on the
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  importance of compatibility and wishing happy anniversary to my
• 1:58
  husband. All right.
• 2:00
  Anyway, so here's how attraction matters.
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  You have to be attracted to your husband.
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  You have to be attracted to him at first, because after that
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  it's not going to matter in the way that I will explain to men
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  and that women already know. No.
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  You ever heard the saying, for every beautiful woman, there's a
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  man tired of fucking her. That's what people used to say,
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  by the way. It's kind of funny that people
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  used to say that because I actually just made a podcast
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  about this. People used to understand the
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  Coolidge effect and the fact that men get tired of the same
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  woman too. But nowadays everybody's
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  supposed to be in an optimized, immortal state forever.
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  No man can admit that they ever get tired of having sex with the
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  same woman, and they really don't, because they're watching
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  porn so much that they're at a constant state of artificial
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  arousal, so they don't even know if they're bored of having sex
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  with the same woman or not. But anyway, it used to be
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  understood that men get tired of having sex with the same woman
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  and now it is only really said that women get tired of having
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  sex with the same man. But obviously both are true to
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  lesser degrees for men because they have more testosterone and
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  the ones that are watching porn or on testosterone Pooh that's
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  through the roof. But but any who.
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  And that's artificial. And I've talked about it
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  forever, forever, forever on all my podcasts about porn.
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  But anyway, so once your husband is attractive enough for you to
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  want to marry him and have sex with him, then he's attractive
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  enough. Unless he changes a lot, he just
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  remains attractive enough. He's attractive.
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  Also, you don't really want to have sex with him.
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  You know, not like in any real way that you sit there thinking
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  about it like you did in the honeymoon stage where you would
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  become spontaneously aroused like a man.
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  But now, as I've belabored this point endlessly, you have, if
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  you're a monogamous, female, responsive desire primarily,
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  which means that you need foreplay and you need to be in
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  the right headspace, and you need to consciously, mindfully
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  and intentionally make space and time for you to become physical
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  so that you could start touching, cuddling, whatever,
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  And then then you could get in the mood.
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  And women who love their husbands do that, and who
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  understand the importance of sex and love their husbands do that.
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  And that's just how it is. You know, you got to get in the
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  mood. A man is not sitting there
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  usually at work saying, Oh my God, you know what I really
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  want? I wish we would go on date
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  night. Oh my God, that would be fun.
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  You know, let me like, I'm just going to, like, sit here and
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  like, think about how much fun it's going to be to get the
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  babysitter to deal with all of her stress about what she looks
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  like and what she should wear. Then to have to think of
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  entertaining topics for us to talk about.
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  Also to hear her then later complain that she feels fat and
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  bloated and tired and is going right to sleep.
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  And was this even a good idea? Man, that sounds fun.
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  I can't wait. No, if he's a loving husband, he
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  says I'm going to plan a date night when I'm there, it'll
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  probably be fun either way. She's going to like it probably
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  more than she doesn't like it. So and it's a good thing for our
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  marriage. So he plans date night.
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  So he has like basically responsive romantic desire and
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  she has responsive sexual desire.
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  Now on the Internet, all these men say, but if you lift
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  weights, then, ha ha, you have bucked the system, You have
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  hacked your wife. She is going to become so amazed
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  by your new physique. And then other women, there's a
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  big one on the Internet, are going to start touching you.
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  I mean, like, can you sit down out of, you know, before you
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  fall down out of laughter? They're just going to start
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  touching you. This, this is big in the
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  manosphere, women. They're going to come out of the
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  woodwork, they're going to start stroking your biceps and your
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  mate will be aroused into a state of near panic, mate,
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  guarding paroxysm of envy and arousal.
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  And she's going to hardly be able to get back, wait to get
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  back into the minivan at Little League practice to have sex with
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  you. So first of all, you know, I
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  mean, where do you start, right? This doesn't happen.
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  Like, it happens very rarely. It happens in people, Honestly.
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  I'll tell you what happens with people that drink a lot and they
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  go out into mixed company, into parties where everybody's drunk
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  is a skunk, and then sometimes a woman will come over and touch
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  you. Let me tell you, you don't need
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  to work out for that to happen. Much like earlier in life, you
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  could just wait until the night progresses and there's more more
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  drinks under a woman's belt and she'll stumble into you and
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  touch your arm and touch whatever's around to stabilize
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  herself and flirt with you if she's mad enough at her husband.
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  But it does not really have much to do with whether or not you
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  went to the gym three or four times that week.
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  Now, obviously, are there men that are such a level of
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  attractiveness that women actually come up and touch them?
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  Yeah, sure. But they're married to, they're
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  movie stars and they're married to movie stars.
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  So, I mean, the whole frame changes, you know, I mean,
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  everybody is attractive. So then nobody's attractive.
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  It's the hedonic treadmill. The the point being, once your
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  wife is attractive enough to you, sorry, once you're
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  attractive enough to your wife for her to marry you and have
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  sex with you, then you're attractive.
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  That's how it is. If you gain a whole bunch of
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  weight, you're going to become less attractive, obviously, as
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  she would be to you in that same situation.
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  But you know, if you if you don't buy new clothes for 20
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  years, you're going to get less attractive.
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  If you stop brushing your teeth, you're going to get less
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  attractive. It's your game to lose, though,
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  because she thought you were attractive enough to marry you.
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  And after that, it has to do with does she love you?
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  Does she understand responsive desire?
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  Does she want to be in a happy marriage?
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  And are you good in bed? That's what matters, those
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  things. And by good in bed, I don't mean
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  like crazy shit. I don't mean like a Kama Sutra.
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  I mean, can you reliably provide a good physical experience that
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  she wants to replicate despite it taking out of her sleep
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  quota, which is extremely important for women because
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  they're tired all the time. And I attest to that.
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  So it's, like, totally wrong to think that a woman is like a man
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  in this way. At first, she could want to jump
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  you all the time, 'cause you look cute.
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  But after that, you just look like you look, 'cause she's in
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  monogamy, and she no longer has the spontaneous arousal.
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  Her body's telling her to mate with a different man.
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  But since she doesn't want to, she turns that part off totally.
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  So it's not like she's looking around her being like, oh, I
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  want to have sex with him and him and him.
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  There is an interesting thread in my group.
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  And I always mention the secret group because you should be in
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  it. Blue subscribe button.
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  There's a link in the episode description.
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  But anyway, this link, this whole thing I had about what
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  percent of men that you see in public do you want to have sex
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  with just, 'cause I wanted, you know, for shits and giggles to,
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  you know, make the men be really, like, shocked.
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  And all the women were like 1%, no percent, 2%.
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  I said 5%. I was counting the entire day of
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  my life span. But the reality is, as a woman,
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  you go out of the house, you be out for like 3 hours.
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  You see, you may see hundreds of men.
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  You don't think about sex with any of them because that's not
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  how it works. You're monogamous.
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  You're married. You're not thinking about that.
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  I have a post 10. Nine Things Women Think About
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  all day and what's not on the list.
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  Sex. Now, when your ovulating is a
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  little different if you're drunk, if you're on vacation,
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  there could be different sorts of things.
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  What, you know, what really doesn't happen very much is that
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  you look at your husband, the same old guy, the same old
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  attractive husband and think, oh man, I want to hit that right
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  now while I'm making breakfast for the kids before my work day,
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  after I pay the bills. This is just not what happens
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  now. If you're on vacation, you, you
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  know, or or the kids went to sleep or your husband did
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  something particularly cute and whatever, then it's like almost.
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  You open your eyes, you're like, Oh yeah, he looks cute and he's
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  a nice person and I love him and he's my husband and so and I
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  know sex is going to be good when we do it.
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  And so let's do it. And so this is in my podcast
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  episode, The High Libido. Women have spontaneous desire.
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  Now there's a big outlier. There's one factor that changes
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  this. We talked about this with the
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  group, which is a when a woman's on testosterone, then, you know,
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  it's really that she's more like a man, you know?
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  So the truth of the matter is that then she does feel
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  spontaneous arousal. Then she does look at you like a
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  snack. But that's whether or not you
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  worked out. It doesn't make a bit of
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  difference. You are.
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  It's just like women, you know, like a man could find any
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  something attractive about almost any woman.
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  So she, your wife, if she takes testosterone and doesn't have
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  side effects and wants to stay on it, whatever, she's going to
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  find something attractive about you.
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  You know, even whether or not you work out whatever.
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  She'll always she'll also probably find something
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  attractive about every man walking down the street.
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  But the, the and of course some women don't respond that way,
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  but some women really do. And so that that is that is
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  different. That's like when men are on
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  testosterone, you know, and it's an artificial sort of inflation.
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  But the point is, is there, Yes, you can work out and you should
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  work out. And I've talked about this a
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  million times, that especially for preoccupied attachment men,
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  working out does make you more attractive because you're not up
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  harass. You're really not.
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  You're you're somewhere else. You're literally not in the
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  house following her around, telling her to listen to Doctor
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  Psych Mom's podcast on responsive desire.
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  So that makes you more attractive in and of itself
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  because you're gone. You could also be at like a
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  model airplane building convention and you would also be
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  more attractive because you'd be gone.
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  And certainly do women like if men smell good and wear nice
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  clothes, whatever that means to them and are in good physical
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  shape, sure. But if you are those things, if
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  you are relatively those things. And I I have barely any clients
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  that don't exercise. I mean, exercise is like a thing
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  people exercise, you know. So if you are in relatively good
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  shape and you're dressed relatively normal and you look
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  at least a little bit like you did when she met you,
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  controlling for the impact of age, then it's not about you.
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  It's not like getting in the better shape is going to make
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  women come out of the woodwork and start stroking your biceps.
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  And it's going to be like some sort of like cartoon from the
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  50s with like the guy at the beach kicking sand on the other
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  guy. Like that's like this level of
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  thought. It's like very black and white.
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  It's very cartoon like caricature like and it makes a
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  lot, a lot of money to sell men's supplements and workout
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  programs and all this shit because they think the wife's
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  going to have sex with them more.
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  Well, she doesn't. You know she doesn't.
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  And I talk to these women individually when I have people
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  in such dynamics. And I I've said this before in
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  podcasts, but she'll frequently say things like the way it is is
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  that ever since he started working out, when he gets out of
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  the shower, I'm supposed to say, oh, you look really good, and
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  then he's happy. You know, if sometimes I forget
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  and he's not happy and then I remember I didn't say it, so
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  then I have to say it. I'm like, all right, fine, you
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  know, secret safe with me. But like, if that works for you,
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  obviously it's not working for her because they're in therapy.
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  But The thing is, is you got to understand like working out and
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  getting like 5% more muscle tone or or 20% more muscle tone or
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  whatever the hell it is. It's not going to help a bad
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  marriage. It's certainly not going to help
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  her respect you more, that's for damn sure.
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  Unless it's one of these situations where you didn't
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  leave her side and now you are on your own for yourself
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  pursuing an exercise routine. Good.
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  Then she says, oh look, he's finally doing something without
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  asking my opinion, like I'm his mommy, which is great, but it's
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  this attraction thing. So you very, very young guys
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  think that this is the be all end all.
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  And they say if a woman is attracted to you, she shouldn't
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  need foreplay. What the fuck?
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  What does that mean? That's crazy.
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  That isn't real. What that means is when I was
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  young, two weeks ago, because I'm still young, because I'm
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  saying stupid things like this. Then I had sex with a woman
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  without foreplay who was a young mammal and was therefore wet
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  because she's kind of always wet and she made a lot of noise
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  because probably she wanted it to end.
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  And I felt like a king among men.
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  And therefore I concluded that if a woman is really into you,
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  she doesn't need foreplay. And from this that I have
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  learned, I will later disappoint my wife in coming decades.
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  That's what that means. You know, that doesn't mean
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  anything real. So there's no amount of
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  attractive that you could get that would mean that you do not
• 14:36
  need to know how to arouse your wife, foreplay, massage,
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  kissing, being a nice guy, being a human being she could respect,
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  et cetera, et cetera. So most men would honestly be
• 14:51
  much better off taking half of their workout time and self
• 14:55
  developing in other arenas. You know, reading some more
• 14:58
  books, You know, figuring out something else to do with your
• 15:03
  career that you don't bitch and moan about, 'cause it's so
• 15:05
  boring all the time. It's playing catch with your kid
• 15:09
  because your kid misses you or whatever the case may be.
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  So basically women want to have sex with men who they love and
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  who. I mean, that's the that is the
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  thing. I mean that always just comes
• 15:22
  back to that. It's like your wife may say she
• 15:25
  loves you, but does she love you?
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  Does she love you if she's not having sex with you, Does she
• 15:30
  feel in love with you if she's not having sex with you?
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  Often not. And that is the elephant in the
• 15:36
  room. And that cannot be.
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  There cannot be a level of working out that gets that to
• 15:41
  happen. And I say that to women, too.
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  They say, oh, I love him. I just don't want to have sex
• 15:45
  with him. I don't want to go on dates with
• 15:47
  him. I don't really want to talk to
• 15:48
  him. But I love him.
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  How do you love him? Is that how you love your child?
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  You say, oh, hey, I don't really want to hang out with you ever.
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  Don't tell me about your life. We don't touch each other.
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  But I love you from over here, from afar.
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  It's not real. So at the point where it's
• 16:02
  completely sexless, then people really do have to ask themselves
• 16:05
  what the hell is going on. You know, I mean, in in unless
• 16:09
  there is a huge trauma history, or, I mean what there really is,
• 16:13
  there could be a huge drama history.
• 16:15
  But there's usually unresolved marital conflict.
• 16:18
  That's an elephant in the room that makes both people very
• 16:21
  depressed. And the way that it manifests
• 16:23
  most obviously is a lack of sex. But there's a hell of a lot else
• 16:28
  going on too, which is what I talk about in my podcast.
• 16:31
  Everything is fine in our marriage except sex.
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  And I say that that can't be true.
• 16:35
  And I've never seen that be true.
• 16:36
  All right, well, I hope you guys found this interesting and I
• 16:39
  will talk to you all soon. Have a great day.