Latest / I Care About You / Stop Performing Your Life and Just be You

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Stop Performing Your Life and Just be You · I Care About You

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  Foreign.
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  Welcome back to I Care about you, the podcast where we explore
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  who we are and why we are and what's going on here.
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  I'm your host, Juliana J. And today I want to
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  talk to you about something that is just fresh in my
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  mind. So I've been listening to a lot of Alan Watts
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  and Ram Dass these days, as you all know.
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  I love Ram Dass, but I kind of bled over into Alan Watts,
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  which is somebody who I listened to periodically throughout my
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  life. But I never really felt it totally resonated until
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  I was listening to this one talk
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  that he had where he was talking about not taking life so
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  seriously. And I realized that so much of my strife in
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  life is really about taking everything so seriously.
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  And Alan emphasized that it's not that you,
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  when you let go of things and you don't take things so seriously,
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  it's not that they don't have meaning or value or purpose.
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  It doesn't mean you don't love deeply, care deeply,
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  give generously, or any of those
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  things, but it means that you let go of controlling
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  it, of all of the social construct behind
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  how we're supposed to be living our lives and what we're supposed to be doing.
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  It doesn't mean you fall off the deep end and you start being deviant
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  and doing whatever you want and not working within the parameters
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  of society or anything like that. But what it really
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  it's all about internally, inside of you,
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  like, inside of you. Don't take
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  this life so seriously. Alan Watts often refers
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  to life as a dance and that we should be joyful and
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  there should be laughter and we shouldn't take things so seriously
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  because life's a dance. And if
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  we're taking everything so seriously, we really don't see all the beauty that's
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  around us at any given moment. We put so much gravity
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  into what we do and how
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  that will give us purpose rather than just being
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  here is enough, which we say a lot in
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  the wellness world. You hear a lot of people saying, you are enough already.
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  I do. I talk about that a lot in my book
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  Reasons to Live. Link in the description.
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  But what does that actually mean?
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  What does that actually mean? I think Alan
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  is really hitting on something beautiful and deep
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  and hard to understand. And you have to come at it at different
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  angles to really understand what it is and not just
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  immediately discount it as like, well,
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  that's. He's just simplifying life too
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  much. And it's not really simple like that. It's very complicated.
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  And my return to you would be. It is as simple as that.
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  We make it complicated. I make my life complicated.
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  I put too much value in what I
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  do for work and how I am
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  perceived and climbing this corporate ladder.
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  And as a writer, like I have to do all the writing
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  things, like I have to be part of this group and I have to be
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  over there and I have to know these people and I have to be on
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  these podcasts and I have to do this, that and the other. And the pressure
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  of all of that takes away
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  from the joy I have in writing. I absolutely
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  love writing. I write every day something I've challenged
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  myself to write at least a poem every
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  day. And so I make time to do that and I do that and I
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  love it. And it's not always for publication or
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  to go here or to do that or to push my book here or to
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  push my book there. Of course I want everyone to buy my book.
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  I do feel like it's super important what's inside my book.
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  You can really help people out and help yourself even if you
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  aren't in the depths of despair. There's a lot in there that can help you
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  manage life when things get challenging or hard.
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  But beyond that, I don't,
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  I, I just subscribe to that model.
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  Cause I have this writer friend who's really intense and they
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  have really subscribed to that model. Like here's how I get worth as a writer
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  by this, this, this and this. And I
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  subscribed to that. Like, oh, I better get with a program. Cuz half the time
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  I don't know what is going on. Like I'm not with the program.
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  Half the time I'm doing something strange off to the side.
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  And then I realized like, oh, I'm not with the program,
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  I gotta get in with the program. And so I really bought
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  her rhetoric hoop, hook, line and sinker for a long time. And every time
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  I was with her it was that same talk about just
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  how serious writing was, you know, and how
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  you're going to be scrutinized on every word you put to the page.
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  And as an avid reader, I don't
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  scrutinize everything that's said on the page. Certainly if somebody writes a beautiful
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  sentence or a beautiful chapter, a beautiful book or a beautiful quote,
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  it sits with me and I relish it
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  while I'm reading it. And I love it and it's amazing and I can't wait
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  to tell other people, but I'm not scrutinizing, scrutinizing every single word
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  on the page. Although probably some people do that. But if they do,
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  you have to ask yourself, do you want to be that person? Do you want
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  to go through life scrutinizing everything and
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  judging everything and relating it to
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  your self image so just
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  so on steroids like that? No, I want to live life
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  like Alan Watts. You know, I want to. I want to enjoy it.
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  I want to laugh. Not maliciously, as he says,
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  but laugh joyfully, Laugh with life,
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  be part of this experience here.
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  Don't take it so seriously. Don't take myself so seriously.
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  I definitely go down a spiral where I take myself really seriously.
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  And I'm analyzing every word I've ever said during the day,
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  and I analyze everything I do as though people will think
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  I'm not as good as I want
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  to be or think I should be. And I get really,
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  like, bound up in this straitjacket of staying
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  in this little space that I think I'm supposed to stay
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  in. But all the people I admire aren't in that space.
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  They aren't staying there. They aren't there. They aren't even trying to be
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  there. They're just out doing their thing. They're out trying to help people.
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  You know, I thought about that with this podcast, too. Like, should I keep
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  doing this podcast? Do people even care? Am I helping anyone?
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  And then I'll look at the stats and I'll go, wow, one person downloads
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  my podcast. Oh, I hope I help that
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  person. And that's why I'm in it. Not to
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  be this thing. Like I'm supposed to hit these benchmarks,
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  you know? So every time a vocation becomes
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  that, for me, it starts being not really that
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  fun. I used to be a professional photographer, and I loved it,
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  and it was great. But the stress of what is
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  expected from a press, from a professional photographer,
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  took away all the joy of creating,
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  of the artistry of it. And that,
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  I think, is something that artists get
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  to be in that creative space, that flow.
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  They aren't thinking about. Well,
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  some of them aren't thinking about what the outcome's
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  going to be, what this means to them
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  personally. They're just getting something out
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  there that's inside of them that needs to be expressed.
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  And I think once we start trying to capitalize
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  on everything, then we lose our authenticity
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  and our meaning, and we lose the joy
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  in what we're doing now. I live in the United
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  States, a very capitalist society. I think it's kind
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  of spinning out. Capitalism is kind of reaching some crest
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  that it needs to go somewhere or the other, because life Is getting really hard
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  for folks here. Everything is so expensive.
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  The cost of living is really expensive, but yet wages
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  haven't gone up and it's hard to get a job. And all these things are
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  happening here. And beyond that,
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  so much of capitalist belief have,
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  has seeped into how we live our lives and
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  how we see ourselves and what we think we should be doing.
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  And we teach that to our children and we,
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  we create an expectation. And is
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  that really serving us? Is it really helping us to think we all,
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  every single one of us needs to somehow be famous.
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  Somehow every single one of us needs to
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  be top tier at any particular vocation,
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  our job. And we have to win all the awards
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  and we have to do all the things and we have to be noticed
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  and recognized and beyond
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  these particular. Be in these particular spaces,
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  or else we're nothing and nobody. And that's not true.
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  That's not true. I think some people are doing incredible,
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  impactful, beautiful, amazing work and
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  you don't know who they are. And they're out there doing it and
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  they're, they're living life with some
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  joy, some happiness.
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  And that's kind of what I'm getting out of Alan
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  Watts right now. I need to go third round listening
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  to things to seep in a little deeper. But the majority of
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  what I'm getting is don't take life so seriously.
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  It's a dance. You should be dancing. You should be dancing and laughing
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  and enjoying it. And once you can step into that space,
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  which is so true, you often find that in meditation.
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  Once you can step into that space,
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  you notice the most amazing things about life.
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  You notice the most beautiful things right there in front
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  of you with inside yourself. And doing that
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  work does help you realize that you are enough
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  just being here. It's not enough to just
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  say the words. You're enough just to be here. You have to tease
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  out what that is. What does that mean for you? What is that?
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  Where is that meaning? How do you get there?
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  And that, my friend,
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  is about dancing more
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  with life than trying to mold it into the thing of
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  expectations. To dance through life,
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  to love deeply, to care
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  deeply, to be part of things,
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  to be engaged with things, to work for
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  the change you want to see out there in the world, but in
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  a way that is in motion with the dance that's
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  not being so serious and so caged off.
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  Once you cage off something like that,
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  other people can't access it.
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  I've seen this a lot in work I've done personally.
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  Like I will, you know, I'M very passionate about these certain causes.
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  And I, I. They become so serious that I start
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  caging, caging it off. And other people
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  can't access it now because there's no lightness in it. There's no joy
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  in it. There's no love in it. There's no rest in it. There's no,
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  there's nothing. It's just the thing that everyone needs to
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  care about and that I need to change.
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  And what if we approached change more lightly,
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  inclusively, joyously?
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  What if we approached change in a way
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  that was more inviting to others rather than
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  closed offish? I have often tried
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  to become part of something I thought I was interested in.
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  Like maybe it's a movement of some kind, maybe it's
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  a social cause or a
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  political cause. And the rigidity of
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  the folks running that particular group
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  was a kind of a turnoff. I didn't really want to
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  be part of something that was.
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  Just had such a heaviness to it. And then they would accuse
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  you of, oh, if you aren't all in in this cause,
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  which means all in in the way they want you to be all in,
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  then you're not serious about the cause and all this judgment
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  around it. Right. Just keep you in the box to keep you in
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  this box of where they want, as to what they think this is.
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  And that is alienating to a lot of people.
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  That's happened to me many, many times. Even things simple as a beach cleanup,
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  that's happened to me. And I felt like I
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  can't. I don't want to be
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  part of something where I'm feeling constantly judged. I need to constantly
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  do everything a certain way, this person's
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  way, or else I'm not valid. I don't need
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  to pull anything into my life that makes me feel like I'm not
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  valid. I'm already struggling with finding validation within myself,
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  and it alienates people to be like that. If you can be
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  joyful, find joy, dance with the cause.
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  Things shift all the time, and you have to be able to move and
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  pause and shift and change. It's important.
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  It's important. You have to be able to be
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  understandable to more people, to be.
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  To let folks in.
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  I think I paused the recording a second ago so I could run
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  and get this book and show it to you. It's Ram Dass and Paul Gorman.
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  How can I help? It's an older book. I think it was written.
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  Let's see. Let me tell you,
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  1985 was the copyright. But it's so
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  pertinent. Today, you should pick it up if you can.
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  How can I help? You can probably get it at any used bookstore for
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  a couple of bucks. But it really talks about the expansion
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  of helping people, of being
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  there for folks. It opens with the most beautiful story of a
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  person being helped by dolphins. And it
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  goes through. There's lots of personal stories in there. But that kind
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  of coincided with the things I was listening to from Alan Watts,
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  that there must be some joy
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  in our lives. We can't take ourselves too seriously.
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  And if we're able to let go of that seriousness,
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  you become a magnet. So if you're wondering why no
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  one notices you ever, why you're not really heard,
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  it could be because you're taking everything too seriously.
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  It's. It's. You become too rigid in your
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  expectations and what you want. And if you let that down a little bit and
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  be a little bit more open about it,
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  then people can interact with you because you
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  don't have these. This serious fence around you
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  anymore. Now, truly, sometimes you have to
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  be serious. Sure. I'm talking about spending all your time
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  there, which I know people do, because I
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  have done myself, just been really serious about everything. I have to be the best
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  at my job. I have to be the best mom there is. I have to
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  be the best, like everything, the best driver,
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  the best to read. I have to read all the things I'm supposed to read.
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  I have to do all the things I'm supposed to do. Like everything I thought
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  was in my life for joy became this
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  very serious thing I had to do in order to be
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  valid. And I want to say a little something about letting
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  go before we say goodbye to one another, that letting go of
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  this rigidity, this seriousness, doesn't mean you
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  just don't care. It doesn't mean that at all.
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  It means you care more deeply. You're opening the space to care more deeply,
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  to love more deeply, to be disappointed, to go through life
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  to have challenges happen and joyous
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  things happen and wonderful things happening. You're just letting
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  go of the seriousness of the need to control it, of the
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  expectations of others. And you're navigating it
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  in the true, pure space of your soul
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  along the road to your purpose. If you've ever wondered what
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  your purpose is, it's probably because you're
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  so serious about all these things in your life that your purpose has been
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  clouded. You can't see it through the forest
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  you've planted. You need to walk beyond that seriousness,
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  beyond those expectations, beyond that box. It's hard to
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  Do. It's really hard to do. You can take baby steps out of it if
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  you want to. That's what I did. And then one day you
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  find yourself able to be yourself more freely
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  and discover who you are. Your purpose is in
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  your true self. And if expectations of others
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  and societal beliefs and all these things
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  happen, made it hard for you to see who you truly are,
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  I invite you to if you can
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  go on a retreat. There's all different kinds of retreats.
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  Some are free, some are donation basis.
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  You can even do it within your own home. But explore
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  that, Explore that. Start writing it down,
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  journaling about it. I'm a huge, huge journaler.
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  I journal every day and figure out what
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  are these things in your life that are so serious? I could easily make a
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  list of the things I take too seriously. I know I take them too seriously.
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  My work and my work performance and what other people think of
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  me at the job, out in society.
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  How ridiculous am I? You know, I need to just put
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  on the straight jacket and be, you know, with the expectations. I are.
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  Certain relationships I'm very serious about because they're
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  super serious. And I feel like I'd be cast out if I wasn't
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  serious, which is something I have to get over. I mean, that's a ridiculous
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  thought in itself. My writing world. How can I just
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  be true to myself and not be so worried about
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  fitting into all the spaces in the boxes that people seem to think I
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  need to be in? Success and what that means,
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  truly, what does that mean for me? I think it's different for
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  everyone. And I have never really explored that
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  too deeply until recently. What is success to me?
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  It's not necessarily climbing a corporate ladder, it's not necessarily
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  my bank account. It's not necessarily all these things.
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  Society and the rigidity of expectations
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  is trying to make me think it is. So what is it?
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  So explore those things for yourself. I would love
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  for you to go down that journey and go down that road and
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  even calendar out some time. A lot of people I know will
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  calendar out times for just remembering the
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  joy of life because they have a very fast paced life. They have
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  these, these really high, high stressful
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  careers and they actually make time for themselves.
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  And time you could be doing that already and not really knowing. A yoga
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  class, a walk, meditation, journaling. These are all
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  things where you're taking a break from the rigidity that
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  is around you. So my dear friend, I encourage
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  you to step out of the rigidity and into
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  the space where you can dance and laugh with
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  the essence of life. So until next time, dear friend,
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  know that I love you and I care about you and I support you,
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  and you can do this. You can do this.
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  And I wanted to show you. This is my book links
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  in the description. If you're so inclined, it would be wonderful
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  if you picked one up. And remember,
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  this podcast is about questions. So if you have a question,
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  send it in to me via my website, also in the description,
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  and we'll chat. Okay. Until next
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  time, dear friends, love you.