Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Who Ends Up In "Toxic Workplaces"?

Transcript

Who Ends Up In "Toxic Workplaces"? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today we're going to be talking about the idea of
• 0:11
  toxic workplaces and what can really be meant by that.
• 0:15
  And what can underlie some of people's Reliance on that term
• 0:20
  before we get into that. I want to tell you to subscribe
• 0:23
  the most recent subscriber only episode was on a similar topic
• 0:28
  of work, but it was about how some stay-at-home moms can
• 0:31
  actually start to feel less depressed if they return to
• 0:34
  work. If that is resonant to you,
• 0:39
  please do subscribe to hear that.
• 0:40
  And of course, one of my many, many other subscriber only
• 0:43
  episodes will, I'm sure resonate with you even if that one
• 0:46
  doesn't. So, toxicity is massively
• 0:49
  overused today. I'll only use it to say, toxic
• 0:52
  relationship. This idea of a toxic person.
• 0:56
  I'm not sure how that's like allowed to be said anymore.
• 0:59
  You're barely allowed to say anything bad about anybody but
• 1:04
  but apparently, The certain people can still be called
• 1:06
  toxic. I predict that will be on its
• 1:08
  way out fairly soon. But, but either way, I don't
• 1:13
  really, and by a toxic relationship, of course.
• 1:15
  I mean, one in which two people are acting crazy.
• 1:18
  You know, like got pursuer, distance or dynamic, where one
• 1:21
  is screaming at the other. The other ones telling the other
• 1:23
  that they are lunatic. Like that's a toxic relationship
• 1:26
  but neither person it's toxic similar to a workplace so you
• 1:30
  cannot have an entirely toxic workplace.
• 1:33
  There can be people who don't get along.
• 1:35
  With and you could be also. So there's going to be a
• 1:38
  combination usually of two things for people that are that
• 1:41
  are frequently talking about toxic workplace has usually what
• 1:44
  that means is I am a sensitive person and I'm not getting along
• 1:47
  with a certain person who triggers me and frequently.
• 1:50
  I don't get along with other people who trigger me in this
• 1:52
  same way. So obviously, nobody's thinking
• 1:56
  that they're thinking oh toxic toxic workplace, this is what
• 1:59
  you know I'm told to think so this is what I'm going to think
• 2:02
  but and that to a subconscious but the The point is that you
• 2:06
  need to go a little bit deeper. If you or your partner is always
• 2:09
  complaining about toxic workplaces and think about why
• 2:14
  as I said so so there's usually a sort of person that gets into
• 2:17
  this situation which is a very rejection sensitive person.
• 2:23
  And as you know, from listening to my podcast, hopefully
• 2:26
  atypical depression is the type of depression most common in
• 2:29
  women. It is not a typical at all and
• 2:31
  one of its Hallmark symptoms is rejection sensitivity other.
• 2:35
  Are eating too much sleeping, too much feeling let in
• 2:38
  paralysis in your arms and legs and a temporary mood lift in
• 2:41
  response to positive events. But rejection sensitivity is a
• 2:46
  big one and rejection sensitivity happens because a
• 2:50
  you could be depressed or be you grew up in a home where there
• 2:55
  was a lot of negativity and you became and you were either
• 2:58
  targeted and criticized a lot or you were the quote good kid but
• 3:03
  you saw other people get judged. Criticized constantly and so you
• 3:07
  became terrified of it. So usually what happens in the
• 3:10
  quote toxic workplace. Is you got a person who's kind
• 3:12
  of a people pleaser who does not have good boundaries setting
• 3:16
  skills because they were raised in a dysfunctional family
• 3:18
  combined with a more rough or abrasive boss or coworkers.
• 3:25
  And sometimes when the person is very depressed and very
• 3:28
  sensitive, these can just be kind of normal people that just
• 3:31
  say shit, you know, and they just say what's on their mind
• 3:34
  and this This is so upsetting to the very sensitive person that
• 3:39
  they conclude that the workplace is toxic.
• 3:41
  And again, I really want people to interrogate the entire idea
• 3:46
  of a toxic certainly toxic person, or a toxic workplace,
• 3:51
  because there is no such thing. Like, there's no like actual
• 3:54
  like blood test for this. There's no air quality test for
• 3:58
  this. This is going to be a perception
• 4:00
  issue. So on a positive note, whenever
• 4:03
  something is a Action issue. It means that you have the
• 4:07
  possibility and the freedom to reframe it.
• 4:10
  What's interesting? Is a lot of people that talk
• 4:12
  about toxic workplaces, are people that are ambivalent about
• 4:15
  work. So frequently, these are people
• 4:18
  who repeatedly leave their job but don't have much consequence
• 4:23
  for doing so. So they're always ambivalent
• 4:26
  about work. Because for example, it's a
• 4:29
  woman who is conflicted about whether she really wants to go
• 4:31
  back to work. Let's say after being home with
• 4:33
  kids and So if and I'm not saying this is on purpose, it's
• 4:37
  really never on purpose, but if the talk, if the workplace is
• 4:41
  toxic enough, she gots to not work anymore.
• 4:43
  And so and there's no consequence because the guys
• 4:47
  income is providing otherwise, she would have had to be working
• 4:51
  all along, you know. So there is a big correlation
• 4:55
  that I see in my practice between the non necessity of
• 4:59
  somebody working and how quickly they conclude that a workplace
• 5:02
  is toxic because if you have to work Then you you can't really
• 5:07
  conclude that or if you do you have to find another job before
• 5:12
  you leave because otherwise your family will starve.
• 5:15
  So if you're not in that situation, almost gives you too
• 5:18
  much leeway to not deeply interrogate, whether this is a
• 5:23
  you issue or a quote toxic workplace issue.
• 5:27
  So the same sort of people that find themselves in toxic.
• 5:30
  Workplace is frequently are people that also find themselves
• 5:34
  having trouble with other Other people in their lives.
• 5:37
  So friends are not usually sensitive and kind enough.
• 5:41
  Certainly that spouse is not sensitive and kind enough, their
• 5:46
  their parents and their and I believe hundred percent their
• 5:50
  parents aren't. Because what's at the root of
• 5:52
  all of this is family of origin issues.
• 5:54
  So their parents are the ultimate assholes.
• 5:57
  Of course, they had their own problems.
• 5:59
  They had their own upbringing problems, I'm sure as people
• 6:02
  always do in this situation but their Parents were the original
• 6:06
  people that made them think that that that judgment is so
• 6:12
  important that like, what people think of you matters so much and
• 6:17
  that of the idea, the overemphasis on what people
• 6:21
  think of you and becoming extremely upset.
• 6:23
  If somebody acts like, they don't like you, that is a
• 6:26
  Hallmark of an adult child of a dysfunctional, family.
• 6:29
  And it is it's something that the person needs to work on.
• 6:35
  Instead of ironically getting offended, you know, by by this
• 6:40
  podcast and saying, no, no, all of my workplace is really
• 6:43
  happen. Toxic it would be interesting to
• 6:46
  say, did I grow up in a really dysfunctional childhood, where
• 6:49
  at least one of my parents was always, judging criticizing and
• 6:53
  shaming, possibly, not me, but either others outside, the
• 6:57
  family, or likely people within the family that were either me
• 7:01
  or not me so much. That I grew up thinking that it
• 7:04
  is the The worst thing in the world to be shamed and to be
• 7:07
  criticized. And that, that is lurking
• 7:09
  everywhere. And people are not genuinely
• 7:12
  nice. I see this frequently and a lot
• 7:14
  of children who grew up with narcissistic parents, so the
• 7:18
  parent was always putting other people down and shitting all
• 7:21
  over them and judging them. Then the child grows up thinking
• 7:24
  like that that everybody's like this and then they see judgment
• 7:29
  and criticism everywhere even when it's not there.
• 7:31
  So like a boss with a harsh style and you're going to be
• 7:35
  Tickle early, of course, triggered by a boss who reminds
• 7:37
  you of a parent. So if they have narcissistic
• 7:39
  traits, then you will be particularly triggered.
• 7:42
  But while other people can say, oh boss is an asshole, you know,
• 7:46
  and I guess it's not a great job I'm in but guess I got to stay
• 7:49
  in it and maybe I'll look for another one, you know.
• 7:52
  But you know after all boss does act like an asshole to
• 7:54
  everybody. So I guess I could keep my head
• 7:56
  down and I can try to think of it differently.
• 7:59
  It's a bosses problem. Probably not my problem Etc.
• 8:02
  This highly sensitive person that grew up in a dysfunctional
• 8:04
  and Validating environment cannot do that.
• 8:07
  And instead sees the boss as the oppressor and as the perpetrator
• 8:12
  and it becomes this very black and white, you know, victim
• 8:16
  perpetrator Dynamic, where it's good against evil etc, etc.
• 8:21
  And this sort of ideology is learned at home and it's very
• 8:27
  hard to escape from such that when anybody, criticizes you or
• 8:30
  says anything negative to you, especially because you're trying
• 8:34
  always. So, Hard, like the duck paddling
• 8:36
  under the surface furiously with its feet.
• 8:40
  You're always trying so hard to avoid any kind of sin.
• 8:43
  Sure that when you receive even slight criticism, it comes like
• 8:48
  a huge blow. And if you struggle with any
• 8:50
  symptoms of depression, this will feel like physical pain.
• 8:54
  And at that point, you try to self-soothe and a good way to
• 8:58
  do. So in our current environment is
• 9:00
  to conclude that it's a toxic workplace which is kind of a
• 9:03
  good subconscious. Framing and one that you can
• 9:06
  easily share with friends and everybody will give you a lot of
• 9:09
  sit, sympathy and empathy. But what does it prevent you
• 9:13
  from doing taking this intellectual shortcut?
• 9:15
  It prevents you from understanding on a deep level?
• 9:18
  Why? This is always quote happening
• 9:20
  to you, you know, and why you for example, haven't looked for
• 9:25
  another job and, and, and no job ever seems very good.
• 9:30
  And there's always an issue with at least one person in every
• 9:33
  work environment. And on if you're honest with
• 9:36
  yourself, more people than just that and why in an interaction
• 9:41
  with a superior, let's say or even a co-worker That is rude.
• 9:45
  It's so hard for you to just shake it off and just be like,
• 9:48
  oh well guess that person is having a bad day and instead you
• 9:51
  take it like a knife to the heart, all of that stuff for
• 9:55
  yourself. Growth is really the essential
• 9:58
  stuff to focus on is, why do I take things so hard?
• 10:03
  You know, and I've discussed this on A lot in terms of, when
• 10:06
  you grow up with a self-absorbed parent, you try to, please them
• 10:10
  all the time and you get good at it, eventually, you get kind of
• 10:14
  good at it. And you get to avoid some of
• 10:17
  their worst, you know, her harangues, I'm tirades or you
• 10:22
  don't. And that of course, is, is very
• 10:25
  upsetting as well. And either way you become
• 10:28
  extremely hyper vigilant for any sort of critique and when
• 10:33
  anything happens, In the workplace that seems like
• 10:37
  somebody is falsely accusing you of something.
• 10:40
  Or not understanding how much work you put in or
• 10:42
  misunderstanding you or directly saying that a work object that
• 10:46
  you created as a good it's it feels like a physical blow.
• 10:51
  You take it as a personal attack and a now another workplace
• 10:56
  falls into the toxic workplace bucket.
• 10:58
  So if this speaks to you what do I recommend or if this sounds
• 11:02
  like your partner what do I recommend?
• 11:03
  I recommend therapy. E.
• 11:05
  I mean, i wrecking I recommend working on a canal laging that
• 11:10
  your sensitivity is derived from early life experiences that have
• 11:15
  to be processed and worked through before.
• 11:19
  You can have a clear objective lens through which you view,
• 11:22
  other people in your life, including people in the
• 11:24
  workplace, otherwise you're just re-enacting.
• 11:27
  The same toxicity that was truly endemic to your family of origin
• 11:32
  and you are complicit in recreating.
• 11:35
  In the workplace because when let's say your boss says to you,
• 11:39
  hey that thing was pretty bad, you know that you did that let's
• 11:43
  say you spent hours on doing instead of saying to yourself,
• 11:46
  hey, maybe it was. Maybe that's her opinion, maybe
• 11:49
  she pays my bills so I should, you know, change it and maybe I
• 11:53
  can bitch about her to somebody else.
• 11:55
  But, you know, shit happens during a work day.
• 11:59
  Instead of that, why you feel like it is a personal knife in
• 12:02
  the heart, and this person will never be pleased.
• 12:05
  And this person doesn't understand you.
• 12:07
  And this person, this person, this person, I will swear to you
• 12:10
  that the things that you say about this person, that is so
• 12:14
  difficult to deal with. Are going to be almost replicas
• 12:18
  of how you feel about somebody very important in your family of
• 12:21
  origin, the person who was difficult to deal with, that is
• 12:25
  who the difficult person in the workplace is triggering.
• 12:28
  And if it's the entire workplace, then guess what that
• 12:31
  replicates guess. Why you're so triggered?
• 12:33
  Your family? If your family Is a place where
• 12:35
  you had to walk on eggshells, and never felt comfortable
• 12:38
  understood or recognized. Then anything that replicates a
• 12:42
  family by the way, including your own family right now,
• 12:45
  including you may have other. I mean, there's very few people
• 12:49
  that also do not project onto a partner especially because
• 12:53
  partner is not perfect. You know.
• 12:54
  Neither is the Boss, by the way, these people all have their
• 12:57
  issues but when you overly project on them that they're
• 13:01
  similar to a self-absorbed or Really selfish or dysfunctional
• 13:06
  parent when you think of them as that person without knowing
• 13:10
  that, that's what you're doing. That's when you stop thinking
• 13:13
  clearly and you go on, autopilot you go into fight or flight just
• 13:18
  like when you were a kid in a neglectful abusive or crazy
• 13:22
  making house. So the toxic workplace is always
• 13:26
  going to remind you on a core deep level if interrogated about
• 13:31
  your family life and otherwise it wouldn't Like, it's just like
• 13:35
  my podcast. Like, we hate people, like, why
• 13:38
  do we hate certain people? Because it's a part of our self
• 13:41
  that we don't allow to come out and it's the same thing.
• 13:44
  Whenever we hate, you know, like a workplace like why?
• 13:48
  Like, there's always a core reason that has to do with the
• 13:51
  early life. Otherwise you would just be like
• 13:53
  this place fucking crazy, man, you know, like like a weird
• 13:57
  thing, like, I go to Works nuts. Like these people want things, I
• 14:00
  don't know what to do, but I'm sure like I'll like figure it
• 14:03
  out eventually people. Are so damn weird but like, you
• 14:07
  wouldn't have this like core visceral, personal reaction to
• 14:11
  it, a core visceral. Personal reaction is always due
• 14:14
  to the event or the person triggering early memories of
• 14:19
  something that was cataclysmic in your development as a human
• 14:22
  which is going to be the early life experiences.
• 14:25
  So if this sounds like you are like things that you struggle
• 14:28
  with, this could be a new way to open your mind to.
• 14:31
  Why do I get into these sorts of whether they're toxic?
• 14:35
  Friendships toxic workplace, toxic marriage, do whatever you
• 14:39
  know, because I have not fully worked through my early life
• 14:43
  experiences, in a truly actually toxic home because the adults in
• 14:48
  my home growing up were unable to control themselves, no fault
• 14:52
  of their own. You know, I mean I'm sure they
• 14:54
  grew up even crazier but they couldn't and it wasn't good for
• 14:59
  me. Wasn't a good mix with my
• 15:00
  natural being a highly sensitive kid, probably.
• 15:03
  And You know, that's what I got to work through, in order to
• 15:07
  move more freely and confidently through the world and take fewer
• 15:11
  things as personal attacks, which will help you in Myriad
• 15:15
  regards, including obviously marriage.
• 15:17
  Friendship, work everything. All right.
• 15:21
  Hopefully, that was useful to you guys.
• 15:22
  Please do subscribe and join my Facebook group.
• 15:25
  You get a lot of interaction with me there and I'll talk to
• 15:28
  you soon. Have a great day.