Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / How Do You Keep Momentum Going When Your Marriage Is Improving?

Transcript

How Do You Keep Momentum Going When Your Marriage Is Improving? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
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  Psych mom show, please. If you have not subscribed
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  subscribe, man, I don't know what to do, so I will try one
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  more time in our view episode. Please subscribe where the link
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  says to subscribe because that keeps me going and has gives me
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  some motivation that one day this will become podcast.
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  It's listened to by many more than just the few hundreds that
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  I have. Currently.
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  So my blog is like a hundred thousand views or something.
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  I'm not so good with this stuff a month, so I totally want that
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  for the podcast. Okay, so today I'm going to talk
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  about something that was suggested by a reader at some
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  other long ago Point. Like, last week that know, this
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  is like yesterday where they asked.
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  How do you keep momentum going in a marriage when it's actually
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  improving. So this is a good problem.
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  Um, to have your marriage improving so much and you want
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  to keep it going well. This happens to a lot of people
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  in couples counseling, things are going really well, because
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  like, I'm meeting with you every week.
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  You know, so you have accountability, everybody wants
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  to, you know, be a good therapy student like falling back in
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  love with each other, because you're doing so much stuff.
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  You're going on date nights, you're having sex whatever,
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  talking more using my 52 emails, book, whatever you're doing.
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  And but then of course we hit Like somebody's kid gets sick or
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  I mean like really take. That would be terrible.
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  I just mean, like a cold, you know, so then their sleep is all
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  screwed up and then everybody sleep is screwed up, and then
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  some shit happens at work and then somebody's, you know, the
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  in-laws have some kind of problem.
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  Then we hit like a holiday. And anyway, so the date nights
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  go out the window, the talking the conversation really kind of
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  slows down and the momentum stalls.
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  This happens for everybody so that's why you shouldn't.
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  Just go to couples counseling for like you know, six Months
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  and see, do things are better. Listen.
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  Wait, nine months. Because six months.
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  Yeah. Okay.
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  You could be on a nice upward trajectory but then you're going
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  to go down. Everybody does you know, two
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  seasons is a long time for a marriage to keep going at a very
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  strong clip so you really need to get through at least one
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  regression and have your marital counselor helped you through at
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  least one regression to the mean before you go out on your own
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  and you know think that you have the skills to get.
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  Through subsequent regressions because every marriage going to
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  Wax and Wane, you know there's no marriage.
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  That just keeps on going up up up is like the stock market, you
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  know, overall it goes up but there's a lot of downs.
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  We just recently had one in the stock market that hopefully it's
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  going back up now. So anyhow the point being what
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  are some skills some concrete tips and tricks pragmatically to
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  ameliorate your you're right. Rate of slowdown of your
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  improvement because you want it to keep ticking up or at the
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  very least, you want to get to a plateau that where it's not just
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  like kind of like going down, down, down, down down, and many
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  people. If you don't focus on this, then
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  you will have progress, but then it will just stall.
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  And then go down, down, down, down down.
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  So at least, we would want there to be plateaus.
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  Sometimes, you know, goes down. I just said, it's like the stock
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  market, but at In the best case scenario, there are plateaus
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  that are interrupted by progress.
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  So overall it's kind of a step wise function there.
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  So, what are some concrete tips and tricks?
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  Well, the first one is date night.
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  I mean, it sounds stupid cuz it sounds cliche but it's real.
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  If you never get out of the house and dress up and look
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  attractive and are without your children, then what kind of fun
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  and romantic marriage? Do you really have?
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  Then you are Co running a Child care center and nobody wants to
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  be doing that especially with no profit.
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  So what you really need to do is get this scheduled regularly
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  like every three to four weeks at most, and hopefully every one
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  to two weeks if you can even especially once your kids are
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  school age, then you can even meet up for lunch, obviously
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  dinner, where you kept dinner drinks really dress up fancy or
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  whatever is ideal. But if you can only do lunch
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  then only do lunch and have Fancy ones at least once a
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  month. And if you are a man who's
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  saying that my wife doesn't like to dress up and doesn't like
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  fancy restaurants. I don't know, maybe maybe, but
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  probably, she might like that if you brought it up, but she
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  doesn't think about it because whatever, you know, she thinking
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  about the kids, you could refer back to my podcast on how much
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  women think about the kids and how much of their brain space
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  that takes up. And they really do not usually
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  have a lot left over for thinking about going on fancy
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  dinner dates. With you, but if you plan it,
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  then they will probably like it and feel much more romantic
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  about you afterwards. Okay.
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  So definitely regular date nights.
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  And during the date nights don't talk about the kids, right?
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  Because that's counterproductive instead, you want to talk about
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  how much you love each other, how the relationship is going.
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  You want to? I have 100 date night questions
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  to transform your no, I'm conflating the title of my 52
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  emails book with my Hundred date night.
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  I have a post I could link you to 100 date night questions for
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  any time that you want to feel closer.
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  So, you could use some of those and just talk about like deeper
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  things. Small talk is the death of
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  relationships, or at least the death of romantic relationships.
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  So, whenever you ask your wife, some bullshit about, you know
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  how how is your work? O go and good.
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  Okay, well me to blah blah blah blah blah, I want to die, right?
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  So Instead, you want to ask more about her hopes and dreams and
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  goals, and all of this kind of thing.
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  I will link you to a post. I wrote about how much Small
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  Talk sucks and how it really sabotages closeness with an
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  intimate relationships, okay? So you're on the date night.
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  You're talking about deep things, you're asking.
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  If she is where she thought always thought you would be 20
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  years ago. What does she want from the next
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  20 years that she envisioned y'all retiring together?
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  What does she feel about her life in general?
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  What did she think about the marriage?
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  You know, you think what I'm saying this if you're a guy
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  you're like why would I just make a problem by asking her to
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  talk about that? Well, she's thinking about it
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  anyway. You know, I mean, it's not like
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  she doesn't look at you and think, oh my God, is this really
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  where I wanted to be? And do you know 20 years ago?
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  She thinks that on bad days anyway but if you're someone who
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  could bring that up, then you turn from somebody who she feels
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  does not understand her at all into somebody who actually met
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  and who engages on deep topics instead of being scared.
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  Of that. And that is very attractive to
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  women as a man who's not scared to be vulnerable, and to engage
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  on deeper topics. All right.
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  So, we have the date night, we have talking and that talking
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  isn't just for date night. When you guys sit together at
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  night, don't turn on the TV all the time, you know?
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  Turn on, you know, you turn your eyes on one another and talk for
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  at least a little bit. I had a podcast about what if
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  daily sex was the default in your marriage and This to, you
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  know, is a really good way to make sure that your marriage is
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  not slipping into bad. Patterns of Detachment.
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  If you notice that you are not feeling close and you guys
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  haven't had sex in like 2 weeks. Then you need to have a talk
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  about that and say how much you miss each other and schedule it
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  and say, tonight, we're going to be intimate.
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  So scheduling intimacy and getting that back on the
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  calendar. Even if it feels on spontaneous,
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  it's better than being unsexual. Right so it doesn't make a
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  difference if it's scheduled or if it's spontaneous.
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  What matters is if you have a positive intimate encounter,
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  which then can make you feel close again and then will lead
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  to more spontaneous sexual encounters.
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  So obviously, sex is a way to work on reconnecting talking
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  date night. What are some others you can do
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  new things together? Doing new things together.
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  As a really good way to rekindle your spark.
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  You can start a project together, you could start a any
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  sort of class learn something new together.
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  Doesn't have to be a real class. You could learn something on
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  YouTube, you could. I mean for women, like if you
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  learn how to do some If you re finish the basement with her,
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  she'll be happy if she is a sort of person who likes projects
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  basically anything. You know, anything that could in
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  any way, be creative artistic or productive would be something
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  that most women want you to be doing and to do with them.
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  Or you could read a book together, if she's more of the
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  intellectual type than the Hands-On type.
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  Or if she's both lots of couples, they never read really
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  separate things and then they just watch TV together that they
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  don't discuss. Us.
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  So a you should be reading the same book at least some of the
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  time so you can discuss it and be.
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  If you do watch TV or you do watch movies, make sure some of
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  them are about people or relationships and then you
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  discuss how you feel about these people and who you identify with
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  when you have felt like you're in similar situations, who
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  you're rooting for, who reminds you of you and of your spouse
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  etcetera. Anything like this, including
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  reality TV I can, you know, you can listen to my And why to
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  watch reality TV with your wife, anything that makes you think
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  about people and each other and feel closer to one another
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  because you learn something new about how somebody thinks about
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  the world and about relationships is very helpful,
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  in making, you feel excited and interested in one another again,
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  which is overall the point of what I'm saying to do, you have
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  to feel excited about one another, to keep the spark alive
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  and to keep your momentum going? Also, what Else.
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  Can you do to keep momentum going frequently?
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  Just honestly new ideas can really help people when they're
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  discussed to understand one another differently.
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  So if you are, perhaps trying some new type of exercise or you
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  are having some sort of spiritual crisis and how you
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  view religion, or if your political beliefs are changing,
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  these are the types of ideas that need to be discussed with a
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  spouse and can really feel Invigorating to the marriage to,
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  no, listen. If you have some sort of crisis
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  of Consciousness, or faith, or in decision about your career,
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  these are things that you want to share with your spouse so
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  that a, they can help you people feel closer when they help you
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  and be so that they can know you better.
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  So anything that you're undergoing yourself, anything
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  that you frequently come back to thinking about all the time.
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  Like, G, is this really the right career for me or, you
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  know, Am I really being the parent?
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  I want to be all of those things should be talked about.
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  As a new idea, that your spouse could have some sort of input,
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  on keeping momentum, going involves knowing each other on a
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  deeper level consistently, you know, there's always Evolution
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  and how somebody thinks about themselves.
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  Allow your spouse to come in and witness.
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  Some of these things that you are undergoing on your own.
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  You don't have to think about things like this on your Own.
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  You want to think about them with your spouse if you're
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  thinking and more about your relationship with your parents
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  and your childhood ever, since you've been in counseling, or
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  you wonder if you are really being the friend that you want
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  to be to your best friend, or if you guys have really grown apart
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  or if you know your again your career your education, do you
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  want to go back to school? Honestly if you just think about
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  these things on your own, then you're going to be a better
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  partner because to be a better partner you have to learn and
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  grow. You know, you gotta grow
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  together and if you're somebody that really isn't growing on
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  your own, then it's hard to grow together.
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  So I mean what am I going to say?
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  If you listen to this podcast enough, you'll know that at some
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  point here. What am I going to recommend?
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  You do therapy men that I work with in couples counseling,
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  their wives beseech them to go to individual therapy.
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  This is like these men are like Googling shit about how to go
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  down on a woman. Google, where the therapist is,
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  because if you come home, you tell your wife, even one thing
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  about Therapy session. Bam.
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  She's turned on, I swear to you the idea of you, honestly,
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  taking a look at yourself working on yourself.
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  Trying hard to be a better man. Father husband, partner worker,
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  whatever this is very attractive, and appealing to
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  women. A man who is trying to
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  self-actualize and be the best man.
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  He could be, it's funny because a lot of men think that if they
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  sign up for like a triathlon or something, the woman's going to
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  be impressed woman is not too impressed because he's already
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  comfortable in the physical Arena.
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  I mean, unless he's been a couch potato for ten years and now
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  he's going to do a triathlon then that spark some interest
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  but that's because of the change of frame.
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  That's like, the paradigm shift is very interesting.
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  Oh my god, do I really know this manner?
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  Does he have parts to him? That I can't even be aware of.
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  That's the interesting part, right?
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  In addition to that, you get like you know you look better
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  after doing a triathlon but the therapy is like the same thing
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  and it's funny because like, there's guys who go to therapy.
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  And then don't tell their wives about what they did in session.
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  Well, that stupid you don't have to tell her like the parts where
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  like you're talking to the therapist about boy, my wife is
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  fucking annoying as shit, right? You tell her about the other
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  parts. There's no therapists worth
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  their salt. That's going to sit there and be
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  like, oh yeah, you're right. She sounds like a real heinous
• 14:05
  bitch. No, they're going to be like,
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  why do you feel, why do you think that your feels so annoyed
• 14:09
  with your why Bubba? Bubba and then you're going to
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  get to something deeper and that part, you can bring home and you
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  could say, you know, we talked about my childhood and I was
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  kind of a lonely kid and I never really thought about it like
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  that before we talked about my childhood and you know my mother
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  when she talked to my brother and said that my brother was so
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  good at sports and didn't really come to my games.
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  And made me kind of feel like shit and I never really thought
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  about that. That's the impetus behind me
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  coaching our children in soccer. This is a man that she's
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  interested in what a deep thinker, guess who's gonna get
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  laid tonight, you know. So, I really think that this is
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  an underrated way to keep the momentum.
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  And going is personal, exploration, and growth and
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  evolution. This is something to do not just
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  for your relationship, but for yourself for yourself as a wife
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  /, mother /, husband /, father, whatever the hell you are and,
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  and for your relationship. So, for yourself for your kids,
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  for your relationship, I feel that self-awareness and
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  evolution and growth is Paramount, right?
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  So hopefully guys this made you think about about this topic, a
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  little deeper and I hope that the person who suggested this
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  likes it and he says he listens all the time.
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  So I'm not even going to tell, I'm just going to wait till he
• 15:27
  hears it, and then he tells me thanks for giving me this
• 15:30
  episode, okay? So have a good day everybody.
• 15:35
  And remember, you know, if you get anything out of these
• 15:39
  podcasts just like, jot down a couple of words, don't just
• 15:43
  listen and assume you're going to remember, you're not going to
• 15:45
  remember shit, right? We have all of so much on our
• 15:47
  plates. So if you got a date, Tonight
• 15:49
  idea. Oh wow.
• 15:50
  We should be doing this every other Friday.
• 15:52
  Right now, send out a Google calendar.
• 15:54
  Invite to your partner date night every other Friday
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  recurring smiley face, right? This would be exciting to your
• 16:01
  partner, especially if in the notes, you write.
• 16:03
  I will deal with babysitter, then they'll be even more
• 16:06
  excited. So take something from these,
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  but put it into practice immediately, while the momentum
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  is going, while you just had my voice in your head as a pep
• 16:16
  talk. Alright, have a great day and I
• 16:18
  will talk to everybody soon.