Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Premature Ejaculation And Erectile Dysfunction

Transcript

Premature Ejaculation And Erectile Dysfunction · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to this episode of the doctors.
0:08
Psych mom show. Today, we're going to be talking
0:11
about male sexual, dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or
0:15
erectile dysfunction, all of the various things that happen when
0:20
things are going poorly for men in bed.
0:23
And, you know, the various types of male sexual dysfunction and
0:27
how they impact your relationship.
0:29
And generally what you can do about it before we get to that.
0:33
I do want to tell you Subscribe, as usual.
0:36
My most recent one is about female arousal, so I mean who
0:41
doesn't want to know about that, right?
0:42
So no further advertising needed on that one so scary to to the
0:49
section where you click on, subscribe, And subscribe.
0:53
So anyway, this one was a follower request.
0:57
I am on YouTube. I am very lonely on YouTube.
1:00
I do not have anywhere near the number of followers on YouTube
1:03
yet that I have on the The other platforms because I just
1:06
started, so go over to YouTube and follow me on YouTube, if you
1:09
want to be a pal and anyway on YouTube, somebody said, why
1:14
don't I talk about male sexual dysfunction and how it relates
1:18
to the relationship? So, might as well just do an
1:21
overview over. All right, and not just the
1:24
relationship. So, obviously, how does it
1:26
impact the relationship? Well, shit.
1:28
I mean, not. Well, right?
1:29
The guy gets super insecure and then things spiral from there,
1:33
you know? So They're one of these things
1:36
premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction they seem
1:40
like they're opposites but they're really both due to
1:42
mailing xiety, you know, and so they're just kind of what
1:46
happens. It can happen one way or the
1:48
other either you don't get hard because you're so anxious or you
1:51
come to quick because you're anxious as all because you were
1:53
anxious, it doesn't have to do with like how hot the woman is
1:56
or like I don't know like whatever else you may think it
2:00
has to do with. But usually guys think it's
2:02
because they just can't because the woman Just too hot or the
2:06
experience is just too exciting. And sometimes, guys think it's
2:09
because they haven't come recently enough.
2:11
But yet, as you know, if you've had this issue, kind of doesn't
2:15
matter as much if you've masturbated the day before, I
2:19
mean, sometimes you masturbate, right before the encounter, that
2:22
can certainly help. You know, young guys do that
2:24
before they go on dates, you know, and it can help can help
2:28
you last longer, but your average Joe average.
2:31
Who's a married? Man, is not like gonna say to
2:34
his wife. Hold on.
2:36
You want to have sex with me, just go jerk off.
2:38
Then, let me have my refractory period and then I'll see you in
2:41
an hour. I mean like let's be reasonable.
2:44
That's not what's going to transpire.
2:46
So instead we possibly want to address the root cause which is
2:49
anxiety. Now, in terms of our other
2:52
reasons, besides anxiety, there are medical reasons that a
2:55
person would not get in or get would not get hard.
2:58
So, I mean, look into that, right?
3:00
Like so if you're not getting erections at all, like even by
3:04
yourself, Then you got a problem.
3:06
You got to go to a urologist, like yesterday, like, hurry up,
3:09
make that appointment. So that that would be like, a
3:13
super big problem. Go get that looked at, but the
3:16
average guy who is asking about this, the erectile dysfunction
3:20
happens, only, when they are having sex, it doesn't happen
3:22
when they're by themselves and that's why it's so upsetting,
3:26
you know, because they feel bad, they can get a hard-on when it
3:28
doesn't matter and then when it does matter, they can't.
3:31
And so, obviously that is due to the presence of the woman in
3:34
that Case. That's a fairly obvious example.
3:38
You know, single case design experiment there with a control
3:41
group control group is one of the woman isn't there and you
3:44
know, the experimental condition is when she is.
3:46
And when she is, he doesn't get hard because he's so anxious
3:48
about his performance and similarly, premature ejaculation
3:54
occurs, mostly when the man is anxious, it's the same kind of
3:59
thing. So many guys can last as long as
4:03
they want when they're masturbating.
4:05
But they can't when they are with woman and why, because they
4:09
are very anxious about performance.
4:11
So, both of these are related to Performance anxiety, which
4:14
generally goes along with insecurities about how you are
4:19
being perceived by the woman, whether she is judging you and
4:24
it may have nothing to do with the woman at all, because most
4:27
guys, you struggle with these things have like a really
4:31
visceral, shame response to sex. And They were trained to be very
4:36
sex - and their families of origin.
4:39
And so when they masturbated, they start to masturbate really
4:42
quick and to get it over with because they were kind of
4:45
ashamed of themselves for doing it and or they didn't want to
4:48
get caught. And then when you start
4:50
masturbating real quick, you come real quick.
4:54
I mean that's like what happens obviously.
4:56
So and it's also, by the way, this is also a response to
5:01
sexual abuse in men, and women overly quick orgasm, Because
5:05
it's like you are, you're not enjoying.
5:08
You won't allow yourself to enjoy your yourself.
5:11
It's so shameful. Whether it's just cuz you were
5:14
trained that sex was - by your family or because you had an
5:19
experience, which was so shameful to you like abuse or
5:23
trauma and your history sexual trauma.
5:25
You know, like being touched inappropriately by somebody who
5:30
wasn't supposed to be touching you at an earlier age than
5:33
you're supposed to be touched, right?
5:34
And It makes you feel very ashamed about sex.
5:37
It gives you super negative thoughts and feelings about sex
5:41
and it makes you kind of want to get it over with quickly because
5:45
you feel so bad about sex like your sexual self-image is so
5:51
negative that it feels so taboo to be having sex or to be
5:55
masturbating at all that like you kind of just get it over
5:58
with fast and what that is related to then is when you're
6:04
obviously with A woman, what's going to happen?
6:06
If like that's what you're used to then it's going to happen
6:08
really fast and it's not due to like that.
6:11
She's so hot and you're so into it.
6:13
In fact it's the opposite. You're barely you're so anxious.
6:16
You're kind of like panicked and so it happens super fast fast.
6:20
It's like you can't get a handle on it.
6:22
You cannot be there present enough to like to relax and to
6:26
enjoy yourself. So on, if you struggle with
6:29
these things, the first thing that I would say is to get into
6:31
therapy where you could figure out Like what's the origin of
6:37
these issues that you have with sex?
6:38
Because it's never just premature ejaculation /,
6:41
erectile dysfunction. There's always a lot of other
6:43
negative thoughts and feelings about sex that are going into
6:48
the act for you and that are poisoning, probably your
6:51
enjoyment of the encounters and your partner's enjoyment of the
6:55
encounters. So if a man has a view of sex
6:59
and sexual self-conception, that's very - this is going to
7:03
be worse for the sex life. And for his partner, then how
7:06
long he stays hard for, you know, because then he's probably
7:10
not doing other things either, you know, he's probably not
7:14
giving her a positive sexual experience because he's powering
7:17
through the whole thing. So quickly, the whole thing that
7:20
she doesn't have any time to really enjoy herself at all.
7:23
And this is some of what I see in my practice is that guys who
7:27
have real negative self Concepts about sex.
7:30
They are not sexually open. So then they are limiting
7:35
Foreplay, and they are limiting. You know what they will do for
7:39
the woman and they're limiting like a whole bunch of stuff.
7:42
So that the sex life is super constricted and very kind of,
7:48
you know, quickly get it over with because this is a shameful
7:52
exercise. And so if that in any way,
7:55
characterizes how you feel about sex, then it's something to
7:58
explore and work on sooner than later because the more
8:01
open-minded you grow towards sex in the More accepting, you are
8:06
of being a sexual being, and your sexual needs, and wants and
8:09
preferences and that those are normal and that you're your
8:13
partner, having sexual needs and wants and preferences as normal.
8:16
And these are things that we want to talk about directly
8:19
within a relationship. Then the, the more kind of full
8:24
and fulfilling your sex, life can grow.
8:27
Overall in every domain, in terms of real practical
8:32
strategies, I mean, anybody who's ever been on and I As all
8:35
rhinos that you stopped coming. So I mean this is something to
8:39
discuss with a provider so if there's premature ejaculation
8:42
going on of course I mean if you are having erectile problems and
8:46
ssris go make things probably worse.
8:49
Although if it's because you are so anxious that you're about to
8:52
die all the time that your body is in fight or flight.
8:54
So you can't get a hard-on because you're you're panicked
8:57
all the time. That an SSRI SSRI is selective
9:00
serotonin reuptake inhibitor like Prozac or Zoloft may help
9:04
you. But But certainly, if you have
9:06
premature ejaculation, I've seen this, you know, as a side effect
9:09
for most people, it takes them longer to come.
9:12
So this may be something to talk to your provider about in terms
9:16
of a strategy, a medicinal strategy to help you get over
9:21
the hump there of not of like, like if you can see that.
9:26
So if I take Prozac, you know, a low dose of Prozac, then all of
9:30
a sudden, my premature ejaculation goes away.
9:32
It can also be like super Never a guy could be like, oh my God,
9:37
like I guess something was just kind of like a little bit off
9:39
with my brain chemistry /. I was really anxious, wow.
9:43
Like it's not like me being a failure as a man.
9:46
It's like I was like so anxious that my brain chemistry was off
9:50
and like, giving me more serotonin in my between my
9:54
synapses helped me. Like, it's not a me thing.
9:57
I'm not like some freak. I'm like a guy was struggling
10:01
with anxiety and this thing helped.
10:03
So. And and then Of course, you
10:05
could have more of a Mastery experience and in terms of being
10:09
able to last as long as you want, which can also be
10:12
transformational to see what sex is like when you're not worrying
10:15
about, you know, coming to quick.
10:17
So that is one thing that you could do is talk to a provider
10:20
about what could help in terms of medication, and that's the
10:22
same thing. Obviously, with erectile
10:24
dysfunction, everybody who everybody who's anybody has
10:27
heard about viagra, things like that.
10:29
So there are always medications that you could talk to your
10:33
provider about A lot of people do not want to go that route at
10:37
first, but of course, if you are, if this podcast is
10:40
resonating with you, you may have struggled with this long
10:43
enough that it's not, it's not at first anymore.
10:46
So certainly my ideas always talked to both a therapist and a
10:50
medical doctor write a psychiatrist psychiatrist or the
10:53
ones. Who can prescribe they went to
10:55
medical school? I did not.
10:56
I'm a psychologist. A PhD, that's different.
10:59
I do talk therapy and I cannot prescribe but to have both the
11:04
best treatment out. Comes come and for most
11:07
disorders with both medication and therapy.
11:11
So always open your mind to trying both, but if you're
11:15
squarely in the camp that you'd like to try to do this without
11:18
medication for whatever reason, there are other things to try a.
11:22
As I've already said, you want to deeply work on being more
11:25
open-minded about sex and that's something that a sex therapist
11:28
or a therapist that is sex-positive can help you with
11:31
such as myself or others. But anyway, the point being you
11:38
have to be cool with like experimenting and opening
11:42
opening your mind to all the different things that you could
11:44
do in bed that do not involve penetrative intercourse so that
11:48
you also have a variety of things to rely on.
11:52
So, as I mentioned, there's this book, she comes first by Ian,
11:55
Kerner where he talks about that.
11:57
He suffered from premature ejaculation for years.
11:59
And finally, he just learned how to really go down on his wife,
12:03
pretty well. And the whole book is about.
12:05
About techniques for going down on your wife.
12:07
So I almost died choking on my, my, the are there because I
12:14
guess that was such a funny joke.
12:15
It wasn't really, but my what I was laughing at was I mean it
12:18
may not be your wife that you want to go down on it.
12:20
Maybe somebody else. If you're not married, you can
12:23
still use his book obviously to learn about how to go down on
12:25
people. But the point being, if you are
12:30
so repressed, kind of, and sexually - and feel so bad about
12:34
yourself that I don't think that you have much to offer in bed,
12:38
besides a penis in a vagina. Then you are really limiting
12:42
yourself and you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself for
12:44
performing in that way. And in terms of the question,
12:48
what's this going to do to your relationship is going to be
12:50
terrible because your wife feels as every woman that I've spoken
12:55
to ever feels. When the guys struggle with
12:57
these things that it's not about her anymore.
12:59
It's like his relationship with his penis.
13:01
You know, like he is disappointed in his penis.
13:03
He is upset by his penis or he wants his penis to last longer.
13:09
Like it stops being about her, guys.
13:11
Think in their mind that they're making it like that by worrying
13:15
about this, they're actually being a generous lover because
13:18
they're wanted to give the woman a better experience but just
13:21
like penis and vagina intercourse is such a small part
13:24
of what what most women want their sex life to look like.
13:27
And so little of what gets them turned on and seventy percent of
13:31
women don't get off from intercourse alone.
13:33
So I mean It's not real. When a guy becomes obsessed with
13:37
this issue which it's hard not to be obsessed with it.
13:40
You know, it's understandable if you're suffering from it, but
13:43
when a guy gets too obsessed with this issue, the woman never
13:45
takes it as that, it's about her.
13:47
She's like, oh my God, he's obsessed with his penis in some
13:49
way or another, whether or not you articulates, it like that,
13:52
it becomes very the, the interaction becomes all about
13:56
him and how his penis is going to perform that day versus about
14:00
her and whether she's going to have an orgasm and whether she's
14:02
enjoying herself. So a lot of What you have to
14:05
work on mentally is what should an experience look like for a
14:09
woman? Well, I mean I have discussed
14:11
that a lot in the oral sex on women podcast and female arousal
14:14
podcast. I mean, in the 10 thing, 10 ways
14:17
to make your highly sensitive wife wants sex a lot more, a
14:19
podcast in the foreplay podcast, I mean all sorts of shit here.
14:23
So what you need to do if you are struggling with either one
14:27
of these issues is to take your penis out of the equation.
14:31
You know? I mean it is such a it's so much
14:33
of a smaller Art you know. No I'm not making any size jokes
14:38
there. It's a it is a less important
14:40
part of the experience than any man thinks especially when men
14:44
are raised on porn. Where the whole center of the
14:47
world is this like, you know, the 13 inch dick?
14:50
Like, you know, it's just not like that.
14:53
Like for regular sex for women that makes them feel good.
14:57
There's a lot of foreplay, a lot of touching of her massage
15:03
touching her breasts touching her other a ride.
15:04
June is zones. I mean, there's just a lot of
15:07
other stuff before anything happens, you know.
15:12
And also as I made clear in the oral sex on women podcast, you
15:15
should be able to know how to manually get your wife off.
15:19
Like, there's really not much you can do with your penis that
15:22
you shouldn't be able to do with your fingers and with your
15:25
mouth. You know, that it's just the
15:27
mental think of it as they think of the penis as primary.
15:34
But for women The, the feeling of the orgasm for them is
15:39
primary, you know? And however, that happens that
15:42
could happen with Myriad ways. It could happen with your mouth,
15:45
with your hand, with sex toys. Like, there's a lot of ways to
15:48
skin a cat there. And, and if it's all primarily
15:53
focused on penis and vagina intercourse is really you are
15:57
not. You're doing yourself a
15:59
disservice and you're doing your wife, a disservice and your sex
16:02
life is a service as a whole now.
16:04
There, I've referred numerous times to, like, the start and
16:07
stop technique when I've touched upon this topic.
16:09
In Prior podcast, the start and stop technique.
16:12
You could look up the multi-orgasmic man.
16:14
That's a book. They can show you how to do it.
16:16
Probably every Men's Health Magazine has at least one
16:21
article, probably on the stop. Start and stop method.
16:23
What this means is, it's what it says, you know, you start
16:27
masturbating and then you stop and then you start again and
16:31
then you stop. And if your wife is on board,
16:32
she's she does this with her And for you and you guys learn that
16:37
you can last longer and longer and longer because what usually
16:41
happens as I've said, is that a guy who thinks that sex needs to
16:45
be over with really quick, he may not think that, you know,
16:48
intellectually but internally viscerally experientially he was
16:53
raised to think sex is so negative that he's kind of
16:55
trying to get this shameful thing over quickly so he never
16:59
really allows himself to fully kind of reach the Apex.
17:04
Of his orgasmic potential. So just as I say with women the
17:09
best orgasm is, where you build up slowly and then you stop and
17:12
you build up more and then you stopped in terms of stimulating
17:15
cards. The same thing for men, but if
17:18
you've been too repressed and sex - to try this, then you
17:22
think that basically your whole, the whole thing is just to put
17:25
your penis into a woman and pound as much as you can before
17:29
you come. Well, I mean, it isn't that,
17:31
that is that's really again, not doing you justice.
17:34
Terms of the sex life you could be having.
17:37
So when you learn the start and stop technique, you're taking
17:39
yourself to the brink of orgasm and then stopping and letting
17:42
yourself settle back down and then doing that again and back
17:46
down. And again and again until you
17:49
can over time, you know, not the first time that you try over
17:54
time, you can build up. You can understand what it's
17:56
like to be close to orgasm, but then allow yourself to go back
18:00
down to Baseline. And if you can master that, you
18:04
know, By slowing the whole thing down and kind of understanding
18:07
where your body is at various points along the trajectory of
18:10
arousal. So, most guys don't have they
18:13
don't understand the trajectory of arousal, if they've been
18:15
doing it too fast, it's just like aroused aroused, aroused.
18:19
Oops, I came. And, you know, that means that
18:23
you're not really in touch with where your body is over the
18:27
entire course of getting excited.
18:30
So, with practice, you could discriminate from being a little
18:33
bit excited. Lot excited about to come past,
18:37
the point of no return pre the past of no return but clothes,
18:43
Etc. Like all these different places
18:45
and that's something to experiment with on your own.
18:47
I never tell men to masturbate, you know, within the context of
18:51
a sex life that isn't good. I say to save your sexual energy
18:56
for your spouse, but if you are somebody who struggles with with
18:59
premature ejaculation, then certainly you should be trying
19:03
to on your own. On first, do the start and stop
19:07
method and again you can read about this anywhere, you know,
19:10
you can Google this more if I'm not explaining it to your
19:13
satisfaction or if you'd like to whole book about it again, the
19:15
multi-orgasmic man. But really this is what it is.
19:19
It's slowing down masturbating so that, you know, more of where
19:24
you are and how close you are to coming at any given time.
19:29
And then if your wife is on board and you have a close
19:32
relationship, then you could tell her that.
19:34
This is what your Trying to do and she can help you whether
19:37
it's with a handjob or blowjob or whatever, where she stops
19:41
before you get, you know? So, so if you are, by the way,
19:44
with a woman who is very sex - and wants to finish as quickly
19:48
as possible, so that because some of you were like, no, I'm
19:51
not sex - I want this longing couch, and in fact, when I
19:55
masturbate, I do, do the start stop myself and I do a lot of
19:59
edging because that's called edging myself, but it's just
20:04
her, she Want to get it over with as quickly as possible and
20:06
even says that, well, if she's saying she wants to get it over
20:10
with as quickly as possible, she's pretty sexy - and or the,
20:13
the sex life is pretty bad. So, and these things can go back
20:16
and forth and they can bi-directionally influence one,
20:19
another obviously, if she thinks that it's bad, then you're going
20:21
to feel bad about yourself and then it's going to get worse and
20:24
if it's worse than she feels worse about it.
20:26
Like, you know, and she's going to say worse things Etc.
20:29
So if she knows that you are working on it but she doesn't
20:33
like sex. She's not somebody who's
20:35
probably going to help you with start-stop because she doesn't
20:39
want it to last longer. So you've basically kind of done
20:42
this adaptive thing of making sex.
20:44
Go really quick because she wants sex to go really quick
20:47
whether or not you implicitly or explicitly says it.
20:50
It's really hard to work on your sex life with somebody who
20:53
doesn't like sex, you know, and then if you're like well then
20:57
what do I do? I mean, a lot of my podcast and
21:00
blog or about what you do and when you make a decision about
21:03
whether you want to stay They in a relationship where somebody
21:06
does not want to have sex with you, but one thing that you
21:09
certainly can do is you could go to couples counseling, you can
21:12
go to Sex Therapy which is really just a couples counseling
21:16
with a sex knowledgeable therapist you know.
21:19
And and you can talk about wanting this to be more of an
21:24
important part of your life and wanting sex to be different.
21:27
So you could say like, you know, I know that I come too fast, you
21:30
know, and I know that it's an issue and I really want to work
21:33
on it. I want to experiment on Four
21:35
things. And I want to make sure that you
21:37
get off every time because maybe you don't.
21:40
And, and I should have been focusing on that all along.
21:43
I've just been really anxious and I've thought it was all
21:46
about intercourse and now I'm realizing it wasn't so like
21:50
maybe some women you know, will say to you.
21:54
Wow I've been trying to say that because frequently that happens
21:58
like a mantle say to mean are all my wife just wants to get it
22:01
over with as quick as possible and then he'll actually go talk
22:04
to Her about it. And she'll be like, well, no, I
22:07
don't that's just what we do. Like, I thought that's all you
22:11
wanted to do. Like it's just like a like a
22:13
really big tragic misunderstanding where he thinks
22:17
she wants it over with as quick as possible.
22:19
And so that makes him anxious and he's rushing and all this
22:22
stuff and she thinks that he wanted to be over as quick as
22:24
possible. And nobody really wants it to be
22:27
over with as quick as possible. It's just that they have zero
22:30
communication about sex and I see this so often where people
22:34
who About other stuff easily just completely clam up when it
22:38
comes to sex and and they have no idea what each other is
22:41
thinking and this leads to things like, you know, sex that
22:44
is on fulfilling for both parties.
22:47
So and in terms of the erectile dysfunction one that also I mean
22:53
that isn't start and stop method.
22:54
That's you're trying to start in the first place but that is very
22:58
responsive to obviously not just medical changes, you know, such
23:03
as Viagra but I always go to a doctor.
23:06
As I said, if you really have erectile problems that are not
23:10
just with your wife that are just like always, then go to a
23:13
doctor, but it can really, really help for you guys to feel
23:18
closer and more connected because most guys in that
23:21
situation feel really judged and they feel really devalued, and
23:26
this may be just in their own mind, and or the wife may well
23:29
be disappointed, you know, and feel very bad that he can't get
23:31
hard around her. And take it personally that it's
23:34
about her and He's attracted to her, which it may not be, you
23:37
know, and so talking about this more in therapy or out of
23:42
therapy, if you can manage to to do it without somebody, helping
23:47
you, if you've not yet managed to do so it can be difficult.
23:51
But you can say like I feel really bad about that.
23:54
I have these erectile problems and I know that it's it's not
23:58
you but I get in my own head that you're judging me and I
24:02
don't know if you are and like people can have really good.
24:04
Conversations? Where then the woman's?
24:06
Like, no, I just feel like you're not that into me.
24:09
I don't really know what to say. And what do you think I should
24:11
say? I mean, in a, in a best-case
24:14
scenario, I mean there's many men that I talk to you who have
24:18
quote erectile dysfunction, but in reality, they're just like 40
24:23
plus year old dude that needs to have his penis touched before
24:27
sex, it's not actually erectile dysfunction, it's just the
24:30
natural change with aging, that you need more stimulation.
24:34
To get hard, you need some stimulation to get hard at
24:38
least. So, you know, there are people
24:41
whose people whose sex lives were fairly, you know, boring,
24:46
when they were younger at least like everybody still was at
24:51
their Prime, in terms of how they sexually function, right?
24:55
So like, maybe your wife never touched your penis, but it could
24:57
get hard, you know, if the wind blew the right way and so kind
25:01
of doesn't matter like you just put it in her and then you have
25:03
sex and then some Um, how some women can have an orgasm, very,
25:07
very few. But some women can have an
25:09
orgasm just from Quick intercourse alone and then if
25:12
you were in that situation, then you felt maybe that it was good
25:14
to go. But, you know, as you get older,
25:19
both men and women need more stimulation to get excited.
25:22
And so if you've had a wife that has never touched your penis on
25:26
purpose, and many people are in this situation, you know, and
25:32
does not engage in any sort of manual.
25:34
Stimulation of your penis. Well, this is not called an
25:38
erectile dysfunction problem. Guys, this is called, she
25:41
doesn't touch my penis problem. So she may not even know that
25:46
she's supposed to touch your penis.
25:49
Because remember, I've told you 1 million times, women don't
25:52
watch porn and when they think about sex, if they if they're a
25:57
person that doesn't really ever, think about sex in the first
26:00
place, they think about it in the super naive way.
26:04
Where it's just like if he wants sex he becomes spontaneously
26:08
erect and we engage in Intercourse, quickly.
26:12
And until he comes because that's what men need to do.
26:15
When they have an erection which occur spontaneously because they
26:18
are a man, then they feel that they want to have sex and then
26:21
they must have physical release and that is what our sex life
26:24
is. And if you have a wife that
26:26
thinks like that, then, you know, she doesn't even know.
26:29
She's supposed to be touching. You, you've not told her and
26:31
honestly, it might be new in told to you, so you're Because,
26:36
yeah, she's supposed to be touching your penis.
26:38
Like, that's that's necessary as you age because you can't just
26:42
get the same kind of spontaneous Direction.
26:44
So, there's a lot of guys who have quote erectile dysfunction,
26:48
where it's not dysfunction at all.
26:49
Its functioning fine for a guy in his 40s or is 30s 40s 50s or
26:54
whatever is in his 20s. And so in that case as is, I
27:00
mean, as I say all the time for play can cure most rooms with
27:05
sex lives like figuring out what each other likes.
27:08
Watch your erogenous zones are how to touch each other and to
27:11
have these longer more exploratory.
27:15
And counters is really going to cure a lot of sex problems.
27:20
But to the ones that remain, as we've discussed, those would
27:24
have to do with multiple things, anxiety, negative feelings about
27:31
sex, and a negative relationship between the Nurse in which both
27:35
people feel uncomfortable, being open and therefore, there's this
27:40
trepidation and fear and negative feelings around sexual
27:46
encounters. That make both people less
27:48
sexually functional than they. Otherwise would be in an open
27:53
and directly communicative and loving relationship.
27:58
So couples counseling can help in this regard.
28:00
So hopefully, this was useful to you guys, I went over time
28:04
because there were A lot. I don't really have any time.
28:06
I don't really do anything, but I don't have, I don't work for
28:10
anybody. So these could be as long as I
28:11
want. But there are over the usual
28:13
amount of time because there's a lot to say on this topic and my
28:17
main takeaways are you're not the problem, you know, like if
28:21
you have sexual dysfunction quote on quote, first of all,
28:24
think about whether it's even dysfunction.
28:26
Also, think about the home that you grew up in and if there was
28:29
any even shot at coming out of that, as a sexually confident
28:33
being probably not. Also like there are like Hail
28:38
Mary like rescues for this in terms of pharmaceuticals that
28:42
you could explore with your medical provider.
28:44
And there's also like a whole world out there of more calm,
28:50
confident, sex that is Diversified such that, the
28:54
Intercourse is so much less a part of it that you are, you
28:58
take the pressure off yourselves at doing the intercourse, right?
29:02
And then if you know, There are other ways to make your partner
29:07
happy. Then you can calm down more and
29:09
also, there's the start-stop technique.
29:12
So there's like a lot of stuff at your disposal and a lot of
29:15
things to reach out and try. So this should not be a
29:19
situation that makes a man feel hopeless and stuff.
29:21
Despite that many men do feel that way, I'm trying to show
29:25
you. Like, how many things there are
29:27
here to consider and to try. This is not like, doesn't have
29:31
to be just the way your life goes.
29:33
That's a depressing. Passive style not not confined
29:39
to just how you view sex and your sexual identity.
29:41
This is a way that depressed men view everything.
29:44
Well, this is just the way my life goes.
29:47
I'm just not the guy that gets to have a good sex life and I
29:51
talked about this in my podcast on.
29:53
Why do you think you don't deserve, good sex, or whatever
29:56
it has deserve and sex and the title and its recent.
29:58
So refer back to that one if that resonates with you and I
30:03
will talk to you all soon. And have a great day.