Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Happy Valentine's Day... Here's How To Make It Good!

Transcript

Happy Valentine's Day... Here's How To Make It Good! · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show and Happy
• 0:10
  Valentine's Day. I am recording this one in
• 0:13
  advance so that it hits your Spotify or Apple or Google or
• 0:17
  whatever, right on Valentine's Day, which it should be today
• 0:22
  unless I miss scheduled something.
• 0:25
  So I wanted to talk about how to make it a good day.
• 0:28
  Even if you just remembered right now, when you're listening
• 0:32
  to me talk that it's Valentine's Day and the stupid Hallmark
• 0:36
  holiday sentiment, I will really destroy that one.
• 0:41
  And also, of course, before we do anything, please do
• 0:44
  subscribe. Most recent subscriber episode
• 0:47
  was when your wife says something like you never say you
• 0:49
  love me. You never act like you love me.
• 0:51
  You never kiss me when you walk through the door.
• 0:54
  Never. Never.
• 0:55
  Never. And you're arguing with her and
• 0:57
  what to do instead. All right, so it's Valentine's
• 1:01
  Day. What does this mean?
• 1:03
  To some Grinches? It means nothing.
• 1:06
  And these are the people that tell me, oh, it's just a
• 1:08
  Hallmark holiday. I don't do anything for my
• 1:11
  wife's. It's just a Hallmark holiday.
• 1:13
  So to that, I rejoined her. Do you want her to think of
• 1:16
  things in porn as just in porn? No, you don't.
• 1:21
  Do you want her to think that women, only women in porn clips,
• 1:27
  give oral sex? No, you don't.
• 1:30
  Or that it's just a fiction in movies that people make out.
• 1:35
  No, you don't want that either, right.
• 1:36
  So when we act cynical about something, then it tends to make
• 1:40
  our spouse act cynical about other things, right?
• 1:43
  And of course that's bi directional and often too
• 1:46
  cynical. Depressive people end up
• 1:47
  together and they shed all over everything in their path and
• 1:50
  celebrate nothing, although they do still usually do it for their
• 1:53
  kids. But they basically, these are
• 1:55
  the people who say, oh, we don't do Christmas gifts.
• 1:58
  Oh, we don't do Valentine's Day. Oh, we're not big birthday
• 2:01
  people. Well, then what are you?
• 2:03
  You know, I mean, there's rituals.
• 2:05
  For millennia, humans have observed rituals to come
• 2:08
  together and celebrate. This breaks up the monotony of
• 2:12
  life as an adult. So look for things to celebrate
• 2:16
  instead of shitting all over opportunities you have to
• 2:19
  celebrate and saying you don't celebrate them because that's
• 2:22
  just stupid, right? Because we have.
• 2:24
  So it would be like saying your kid oh muffins with mom at
• 2:28
  preschool. I don't do muffins with mom.
• 2:30
  I'm not a big Mother's Day person.
• 2:32
  It's like, come on man. And if you grew up like that,
• 2:36
  then it's probably why you're like how you are.
• 2:38
  So think about it deeply for this and for anything else.
• 2:41
  I don't say you got to spend a lot of money.
• 2:43
  I'm the 1st to say that you do not have to spend a lot of money
• 2:46
  and you can do frugal or even free gifts, but you got to
• 2:51
  recognize something. Do something for somebody.
• 2:55
  You don't need to get your wife a diamond tennis bracelet, but
• 2:57
  you could write her a heartfelt card and get her flowers.
• 3:01
  Or you could order her favorite book.
• 3:05
  Give her a book that she likes. Or you could go to the store and
• 3:09
  get a whole bunch of little, you know, like shower and bath
• 3:12
  supplies or makeup or anything like that.
• 3:15
  Have a whole gift guide on what to get women and you and a
• 3:19
  heartfelt card, though, remember that That's the key part.
• 3:22
  Because if there's no card, then you're missing a huge
• 3:25
  opportunity to tell her why you love her and why she's great.
• 3:29
  And that's being romantic. Little notes and cards are like
• 3:33
  a big part of romance for a lot of women and little gifts and
• 3:37
  just cute little things. Even if they act like a Grinch
• 3:40
  themselves, you know they would still probably appreciate.
• 3:44
  And now, what do you do for a man on Valentine's Day?
• 3:46
  Gee, I don't know. Have you been listening to this,
• 3:49
  the podcast at all? Sex.
• 3:51
  You have sex on Valentine's Day. Not the same sex where you act
• 3:54
  like you are possibly recently deceased, but sex that you know.
• 3:58
  You act at least like you are awake, alive, have you know use
• 4:03
  of your limbs and can move around.
• 4:06
  Maybe something new. Maybe you could put the light
• 4:08
  on, Maybe you could say something.
• 4:10
  Maybe you could initiate, you know, initiate sex.
• 4:13
  Maybe you could make out more, you know, Maybe you could wear
• 4:16
  the lingerie that you didn't wear for 15 years, whatever the
• 4:20
  case may be, you could do something different.
• 4:23
  You know, in bed, oral stimulation, manual stimulation,
• 4:28
  anything like that. Just literally anything.
• 4:31
  Like anything new, any new position, anything.
• 4:34
  If you do that for your husband, then he is one of the 80% of men
• 4:37
  who is the higher libido partner in his relationship.
• 4:39
  He will probably be happy, you know.
• 4:42
  So also, here's what not to do with Valentine's Day.
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  So let's say that you really want him to get you something
• 4:48
  cued for Valentine's Day. Here's a wonderful thing to say.
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  Now, you don't have a time machine.
• 4:53
  You could say it for next time, or you could even say it right
• 4:55
  now, 'cause these come out in the morning.
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  Again, assuming I scheduled it correctly, you could say I can't
• 5:02
  wait to do something special for you for Valentine's Day later,
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  right? So what does that mean?
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  That means we're going to have sex, right?
• 5:11
  So if he knows that, then maybe he's going to act nicer and be
• 5:15
  happier, right? And then maybe he'll be more
• 5:18
  romantic, or maybe he'll get you a little something.
• 5:20
  Or you could just link him to this podcast.
• 5:22
  Honestly, that would be good. But if you link him to this
• 5:25
  podcast, you know that what he's going to do, he's going to
• 5:27
  think, all right, I'm going to go run out and get her something
• 5:28
  cute. But also, we're going to have
• 5:30
  sex. So only link him to this
• 5:31
  podcast. If you're actually trying to
• 5:33
  work on your marriage, you're just bullshitting and listening
• 5:36
  to me talk, then cool. Thank you.
• 5:38
  Thank you for listening. But then you're not actually
• 5:41
  trying, right? So so this would be a very good
• 5:44
  one. Like I always say, do not
• 5:46
  bombard your significant other with my podcasts, you know, or
• 5:50
  anybody's podcasts or anything. Do not continue to send them
• 5:54
  shit. I even have something about
• 5:55
  memes and videos. I just did a podcast about it,
• 5:58
  but do not bombard the person is like a key facet of what I say.
• 6:02
  That's a subscriber episode and then I talk about the other side
• 6:05
  of it, etcetera. But the point is, don't bombard
• 6:08
  them. But this podcast, if you guys
• 6:10
  are in the classic struggling with the man being more romantic
• 6:14
  and the woman being more sexual, send it.
• 6:17
  You know, send it if you are the woman, because then you're
• 6:20
  committing to sex. If you're the man and you send
• 6:22
  it, you're the preoccupied attachment partner.
• 6:24
  You probably already got her something for Valentine's Day.
• 6:26
  So if you send this podcast to her, you're just asking for sex
• 6:30
  on Valentine's Day, which is supposed to be romantic for her
• 6:33
  too, you know? Or, you know, it just seems kind
• 6:36
  of like, you know, like you need to grow a pair, 'cause you need
• 6:39
  me to tell her that you want to have sex instead of you.
• 6:43
  But if you're a woman and you send this podcast, you could
• 6:46
  say, what do you think of the ideas in this?
• 6:49
  What do you think about making this our Valentine's Day, right?
• 6:53
  Which means you do something cute and I have sex with you in
• 6:57
  a fun way that is not the usual. And so if you really want to
• 7:01
  work on your marriage, then that's the type of shit that you
• 7:04
  would do. Because a lot of people say they
• 7:06
  want to work on their marriage and then they just don't.
• 7:09
  What they want to do is for somehow the things that are
• 7:12
  completely already in their wheelhouse and comfort zone that
• 7:15
  they prefer to do to somehow magically become the thing that
• 7:19
  the other person needs in the marriage.
• 7:21
  Well, shit, that would be convenient, right?
• 7:23
  It's like if your child, what they wanted to do for an
• 7:26
  extracurricular was watch Real Housewives.
• 7:30
  Whoa, my God, wouldn't that be convenient?
• 7:32
  You could sit there together and watch Real Housewives and you
• 7:34
  would engage on it. It'll be so much fun.
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  Except here's the thing, they don't want to do that.
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  So you're not being a good mother and facilitating your
• 7:42
  child's development. If you say we're not going to do
• 7:45
  school, we're not going to do sports, we're not going to do
• 7:48
  anything else. But we are going to watch Real
• 7:49
  Housewives, because I like that. So you you could try to like it
• 7:52
  too, right? That would not be being a good
• 7:55
  parent. But why is that then?
• 7:56
  Being a good spouse? So for a man to say, a man with
• 7:59
  a high sex drive who likes sex to say we need more sex to work
• 8:02
  on this marriage, it's like, well, isn't that convenient,
• 8:05
  Huh. Right.
• 8:07
  I mean, it's what you already like to do, so how, how how are
• 8:12
  you being flexible there? How are you being open minded or
• 8:15
  receptive to what she needs? Or a woman saying we need to
• 8:18
  have more emotional discussions? Well, girl, I bet I know what
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  you like to do for fun with your friends.
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  Emotional discussions, Am I right?
• 8:26
  Of course. So point being, if you don't get
• 8:29
  out of your comfort zone, you're not actually going to help your
• 8:31
  marriage. You're just kind of doing the
• 8:34
  thing that you want and telling the other person that they
• 8:36
  should want it to. And that's not what you should
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  do on Valentine's Day. And it's not what you should do
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  anytime. Obviously, compatibility is very
• 8:44
  important. It is very convenient and much
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  better if you and your partner like doing the same things.
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  Like all these fitness people, right, That like to work out
• 8:53
  with their spouse. These people are in a great
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  situation. They both like to exercise
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  together. Great.
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  This is wonderful and people often have that happen in a
• 9:02
  second marriage. I've talked about this with I
• 9:05
  have a post compatibility in second marriages.
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  My husband suggested that I do that because I had one about
• 9:11
  importance of compatibility in marriage and then he thought I
• 9:15
  should do it for second marriages because it's a little
• 9:16
  bit different. One of the ones that I saw in
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  second marriage was fitness. So when people are 20 years old,
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  I mean, they're most of the time drinking and eating pizza.
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  Nobody knows if they're going to be into fitness.
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  Maybe somebody's a college athlete, they're going to, they
• 9:30
  may stop, they may like never do that again.
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  Maybe somebody's really into going to spin class.
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  But as soon as she has a kid, she doesn't do anything like
• 9:36
  that ever again for the rest of her life.
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  So you don't know, but by the time you are in your second
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  marriage, you're in your 30s, forties beyond.
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  You are what you are. If you're into fitness, you're
• 9:45
  probably going to stay into fitness and if you're not,
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  you're probably not going to get into it.
• 9:49
  So by that, at that point, you're dating more based on
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  compatibility. So a lot of people that I see
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  mention this as a Big 10. We're both into fitness, we're
• 9:57
  both into health, unlike in my first marriage.
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  So these are the people that go running together and they goes
• 10:03
  CrossFit together and they do all these things together.
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  That's great. How convenient.
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  Wonderful. However, if you are not in the
• 10:11
  situation that you guys have the same love language and the same
• 10:17
  things that you like to do in the same way of expressing
• 10:19
  connection and closeness, well then you're probably listening
• 10:22
  to me for that reason, because the marriage isn't going
• 10:25
  perfect, right? Or even close to perfect.
• 10:27
  So what you would need to do then is to say, am I getting
• 10:32
  outside my comfort zone enough? So yeah, am I the guy who's
• 10:37
  sitting there on Valentine's Day and thinking, like, oh, there
• 10:41
  must be guys getting blowjobs today.
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  Wish I was them, not them. Sucks.
• 10:47
  Instead of saying, am I going out of my comfort zone to give
• 10:50
  my wife what she may want on this day or any day, right?
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  So a lot of preoccupied attachment guys then say, well,
• 10:58
  she doesn't have any love language, right?
• 11:00
  The only love language is acts of service.
• 11:02
  Now there are people who are aromantic.
• 11:04
  I have a podcast on it, Asexual, very checked out from the
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  marriage, very avoided and they don't and maybe have childhood
• 11:11
  trauma. So they do not really like any
• 11:13
  sort of intimate connection and primarily stick to acts of
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  service. So then what about for
• 11:18
  Valentine's Day? You detail the car, you clean
• 11:21
  out the garage, you do some big project and you say happy
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  Valentine's Day. I bet things would go better
• 11:27
  than they're going right now because you would have said
• 11:30
  basically, I understand you, I'm not judging you.
• 11:33
  I'm not continually telling you that active service is the worst
• 11:35
  love language. And instead I'm actually going
• 11:38
  to listen and I'm going to do what you like and you got to do
• 11:41
  this stuff with a full heart. Yeah, it would be cute to send
• 11:43
  your husband this podcast and be like, basically if you got me
• 11:47
  some cute shit from CVS, we're going to have sex tonight.
• 11:50
  Yeah, any guy would really appreciate that.
• 11:53
  Most guys, if they don't go to CVS, you got a problem.
• 11:57
  Get into couples counseling right away.
• 11:59
  If you send them this podcast and they come home and they're
• 12:01
  waiting for you to have sex with them and they didn't get you the
• 12:04
  card, well, I mean, then we have a problem, right?
• 12:06
  Either somebody isn't unable to listen or they don't give a
• 12:09
  shit. We don't know which.
• 12:11
  So that would be why you would get into couples counselling.
• 12:13
  But the point being that many, many people act like they are
• 12:17
  getting outside their comfort zone and they're giving their
• 12:19
  all to their marriage and they're not.
• 12:21
  They're just not. They're just wanting to do the
• 12:23
  same shit that they always do and have that somehow magically
• 12:27
  turn into the thing that transforms the marriage.
• 12:29
  This is what I try to get away from when I work with couples,
• 12:32
  right? Because the worst thing would be
• 12:34
  for a woman whose love language is to talk about the
• 12:36
  relationship and his isn't. And all we do is talk about the
• 12:40
  relationship. I mean, shit, isn't that like a
• 12:42
  nightmare, you know? So that's why instead I give
• 12:44
  assignments, I try to talk about the importance of physical
• 12:47
  touch. We try to go deeper on like why
• 12:49
  he doesn't want to. So she doesn't just think he's
• 12:51
  like a freak, you know, like man, he never did it.
• 12:55
  How about that? He never did it.
• 12:57
  He's never going to do it. He could do it a little bit
• 12:59
  more, but maybe you could also change a little bit more.
• 13:01
  So whereas in a lot, unfortunately a lot of couples
• 13:05
  counseling, it basically turns into the man gets kind of beat
• 13:09
  up because he doesn't do that, he doesn't do verbal
• 13:12
  communication. He could get better, but he
• 13:14
  never going to be as good as her because she loves it.
• 13:16
  It's her bread and butter. It would be as though the two of
• 13:19
  them have an arm wrestle every week.
• 13:22
  That's like literally a good analogy.
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  Like he is bigger, he is stronger.
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  He will beat her at armrests, like every time.
• 13:29
  She could train, she could cross train.
• 13:32
  It doesn't matter most women versus men, she's never going to
• 13:35
  win. She's just never going to win.
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  You know, It's just not, she's not wired to win.
• 13:40
  Her body is in shape to win, and she's not going to win.
• 13:42
  So that's what happens in a lot of couples counselling when the
• 13:45
  man is not as verbal as the woman and he doesn't get off on
• 13:48
  talking about emotions the way that she has since she was four
• 13:51
  years old. So anyway, point is, Valentine's
• 13:55
  Day, you're trying to empathize with your partner.
• 13:57
  You're trying to give them what they want every day.
• 13:59
  You're trying to empathize with your partner.
• 14:00
  You're trying to give them what you want.
• 14:02
  If your resentment is so is such a large inanimate object that
• 14:06
  sits on your chest and stops you from even considering getting
• 14:10
  outside your comfort zone, then you likely have many unresolved
• 14:13
  empathic ruptures. I have a podcast about empathic
• 14:16
  ruptures and and posts, but you probably need to get into
• 14:21
  therapy or even individual therapy.
• 14:24
  You know, to talk about them with somebody you know.
• 14:27
  Because if the idea of going to CVS and getting her some cute
• 14:30
  stuff or having sex with your husband in a way that isn't the
• 14:36
  usual makes you hate them and feel resentful and feel angry
• 14:40
  that you wasted time listening to this podcast 'cause you're
• 14:42
  never even going to do that because fuck your spouse, then
• 14:45
  you obviously have a lot of unresolved anger and that's not
• 14:48
  just going to go away and you have to treat it.
• 14:52
  However, for the large majority of people, perhaps this can be a
• 14:55
  wake up call. Oh my God, Valentine's Day could
• 14:58
  instead of being something that is something we get literally
• 15:02
  stuff for the kids. I mean that's like the funniest
• 15:04
  part of this child centered environment.
• 15:06
  The kid gives out and receives all these Valentine's and the
• 15:10
  parents do nothing in many houses, right?
• 15:13
  But it was supposed to be love. It was supposed to be about
• 15:15
  romantic love. It would be something where
• 15:18
  maybe the kid could see, Oh my, my parents have a romantic
• 15:21
  connection and they celebrate. Isn't that cute?
• 15:23
  Something I want in my life right when I'm older I want to
• 15:27
  have a happy celebratory romantic relationship You know
• 15:31
  versus literally the parents yelling at each other who forgot
• 15:35
  to get the Valentine's you knew that we needed twenty
• 15:37
  Valentine's for her class. This is what she's talking about
• 15:41
  in the book Fair Play. Who's was supposed to have this
• 15:45
  on their list of stuff they were going to take over.
• 15:47
  This is what you're going to show to your kid and of course
• 15:49
  you know that was an inside joke if you're a long term follower
• 15:53
  of the podcast. I have a whole podcast, kind of
• 15:57
  on Fair Play and how I think it's antithetical to romantic
• 16:01
  connection, but to say the least I thought it was pretty funny.
• 16:05
  You should listen to the podcast, one of my longer ones
• 16:07
  because I just kept coming back with quotes from Fair Play.
• 16:10
  But anyway, point being that so something that was supposed to
• 16:15
  be a romantic holiday, right? It turns into a child focused
• 16:21
  stress fest akin to Spirit Week which I just did a podcast on as
• 16:28
  well came out now I guess last month for you.
• 16:32
  And it just turns into the Super stressful child hyper focused
• 16:39
  stress fest. And it could be something where
• 16:42
  the kids see daddy come home with flowers and mommy's dressed
• 16:44
  up and they got a sitter, they're going out to eat and
• 16:47
  mommy and Daddy are like happy and flirting, you know?
• 16:51
  And then that makes you want to be an adult instead of literally
• 16:54
  hate the idea of having children.
• 16:56
  Which is how many young adults feel after seeing an incredibly
• 17:00
  child centered, slash obsessed marriage where both partners
• 17:05
  felt disconnected from one another, threw themselves wholly
• 17:09
  into the grunt work of parenting, and never emerged
• 17:12
  again as whole people. And on that optimistic note, I
• 17:17
  will depart and I will hope that I have really terrified you into
• 17:21
  celebrating Valentine's Day and making the most of what you can
• 17:25
  do with it. Now obviously if you follow me
• 17:27
  on social media I am sure I will have been encouraging you to get
• 17:31
  a sitter and celebrate Valentine's Day for weeks prior
• 17:35
  to the day, but if you have not, then you have this as your
• 17:38
  reminder and you should make good use of it.
• 17:40
  Remember, even a card, A really nice card.
• 17:45
  I have a post. 10 things your wife really wants to hear or 10
• 17:49
  things your wife wants to hear. Listen to it, to do stuff out of
• 17:53
  it. Like I give you suggestions,
• 17:55
  write them in a card with your hand and a pen, and it's going
• 17:59
  to go better for you today. And if you're the woman
• 18:02
  listening to this, anything different that you do in bed is
• 18:05
  always appreciated by husbands. It's always something new.
• 18:09
  It's something you know how much men remember this shit?
• 18:12
  That's what women don't understand.
• 18:13
  We had an interesting discussion about this.
• 18:15
  And my Facebook group should always join my Facebook group.
• 18:17
  Blue subscribe button 499 a month.
• 18:19
  It's awesome. And they were talking about
• 18:22
  like, what men versus women think you know, about sexual
• 18:25
  encounters. And it was like women were
• 18:28
  shocked. Men think about it all the time.
• 18:30
  You have sex on Tuesday, they're thinking about it until possibly
• 18:34
  the rest of their lives. Definitely the entire next day
• 18:38
  it possibly, you know, literally possibly the rest of their
• 18:40
  lives. You know, And they definitely
• 18:43
  know, like every time they have sex.
• 18:47
  When I asking couples counseling, Oh, did you were you
• 18:49
  intimate this week? They know, like all of the
• 18:51
  encounters. The woman's like, wait, what
• 18:52
  week is it? Wait, what?
• 18:53
  You know, because it's just doesn't have the same resonance
• 18:56
  to most women. All right.
• 18:58
  Well, anyway, happy Valentine's Day and thank you for listening
• 19:03
  and I will talk to you all soon. Have a great day guys.