Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Your Kids Ignore Your Birthday or Mother's/Father's Day

Transcript

When Your Kids Ignore Your Birthday or Mother's/Father's Day · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everyone, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show before I get into today's topic which is about
• 0:12
  what to do. If your kids ignore your
• 0:14
  birthday or mother's / Father's Day and you feel bad about it,
• 0:18
  make sure to subscribe because my next upcoming one is going to
• 0:21
  be on why your wife says she feels overwhelmed and what to do
• 0:25
  about it. Also, if you're a woman, it's
• 0:26
  why you think you're overwhelmed.
• 0:29
  It's not just because like everything is overwhelming,
• 0:32
  there could be other reasons and they're not just because
• 0:35
  Husbands and asshole, but I'm not going to keep going because
• 0:38
  then I'll get to the spoiler alert.
• 0:41
  But anyway, so subscribe because there's lots of good episodes
• 0:45
  and the most recent bust, subscribe one before that was on
• 0:48
  what kind of marital interactions outside.
• 0:50
  The bedroom. Predict sexless marriages over
• 0:53
  time in the longitudinal. Peer-reviewed research.
• 0:57
  No, just kidding. I have conducted.
• 0:59
  No research on it. This is what I see in my
• 1:01
  practice since 2009. So, So if you're one of the
• 1:06
  people that sometimes you're like, did you run a study?
• 1:08
  No, I didn't run to study. How many ways can I tell you
• 1:11
  that? I'm not a researcher.
• 1:13
  I could have been a researcher but it just wasn't for me.
• 1:16
  I did not pick that path and then when that big study came
• 1:21
  out, like, saying that Milgram that like everybody else was
• 1:25
  wrong, that we learned about in Psych 101 and that nobody was
• 1:28
  replicable. I was like, man, this is exactly
• 1:31
  what I was saying. There's a whole bunch of like
• 1:34
  underpaid. Grad students running this
• 1:36
  research and I don't believe any of it is replicable, but
• 1:41
  whatever, you know, be that as it may, let's move on.
• 1:46
  So what do you do? And this is something that came
• 1:48
  up in my Facebook group. So you should subscribe to my
• 1:50
  Facebook group, which is a separate subscription, and I
• 1:53
  know that would run you up to total of $10 per month, but it
• 1:56
  could be worth it. If you like me that much, it
• 1:59
  does not get you the podcast, but it is a separate Facebook
• 2:02
  group. So, anyway, in the Facebook
• 2:03
  group, people were talking About like what do you do if your kid
• 2:09
  ignores Father's Day, your birthday Etc, and Mother's Day.
• 2:15
  And this is the situation by the way.
• 2:17
  Well, alright so there's two situations.
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  One is that let's say like you are married and your partner is
• 2:23
  a jerk and does not help the kids do anything for Mother's or
• 2:27
  Father's Day. Well, then you're in a different
• 2:29
  situation, you're in a situation where your partner is a jerk and
• 2:32
  you need to talk to your partner.
• 2:33
  Hey, maybe you should you I think with the kids for Mother's
• 2:36
  or Father's Day like that separate, even if that is the
• 2:39
  case, though you still have to talk to the kids.
• 2:41
  So if you're in a situation where you have no co-parent or
• 2:44
  you're like, you're truly a single parent, like you're the
• 2:47
  only one on this Earth with the kids and or you are divorced and
• 2:50
  you do not have an amicable relationship with the co-parent
• 2:54
  and you're not really married or report nerd or whatever because
• 2:58
  if you're re partner, by the way, the like help it so that
• 3:01
  the kids do something for like, I'm saying, if you're the
• 3:05
  Partner, the new partner of somebody who has kids in his
• 3:07
  divorce like help the kids do something for their birthday and
• 3:11
  for mothers and fathers day like that isn't overstepping or
• 3:14
  anything. Like you should definitely do
• 3:16
  that. But anyhow, be that as it may,
• 3:19
  that's an aside. So what do you do?
• 3:21
  When your own kids do not recognize these days.
• 3:24
  I don't care how old they are, these long as they could talk
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  and they get and they can handle a crayon.
• 3:31
  Then they can recognize your birthday or mother's Father's
• 3:34
  Day. So you start you start like two
• 3:37
  weeks before. Hey, guess what's coming up?
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  The most wonderful time of the year.
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  No, it's not Christmas. It's my birthday.
• 3:44
  So that's just what I say to my children and like, you gotta do
• 3:48
  something like, how I do something for you all the time.
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  Now, if you're like the point 0 0, nothing percent of people who
• 3:56
  do not make a big deal out of their kids birthday, then you
• 3:59
  could stop listening because, you know, you're not, you don't
• 4:01
  give a shit about birthdays and you live on planet zorkon.
• 4:04
  But if you You are in the entirety of parents, whose done
• 4:09
  all this Chuck-E-Cheese bullshit for your kids birthday since the
• 4:12
  time that they before, they even knew what the hell is going on,
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  then let's be real like they should know to do something for
• 4:20
  you now. That doesn't mean they should
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  remember to do something for you because their brains are not
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  developed. They're basically closer to my
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  guinea pig then to a human being until they hit like 25.
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  So you got to help them but the problem is that people have no
• 4:34
  sense. This team because they were
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  raised like garbage or like some version of garbage maybe just to
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  have low self-esteem because the parent was always kind of acting
• 4:43
  like their needs came in front of the child's needs.
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  Now, the child is grown up and they still believe it because it
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  hasn't gone to enough therapy, despite listening to me,
• 4:51
  encourage them to go to therapy constantly.
• 4:53
  On this podcast is still haven't made the leap, make the leap,
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  because if you do not think that, you are worthwhile telling
• 5:00
  your kids to celebrate you, then that is a you issue.
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  It's not a York. Kids being an asshole issue, it
• 5:07
  could be that you've turned your kids.
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  In two assholes, I'm 100% beside behind that possibility because
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  as I talked about in my podcast on and my post on, don't let
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  your kids treat you like garbage.
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  You are going to train your kids to treat you like garbage.
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  If you got treated like garbage as a kit because then it's like
• 5:23
  a re-enactment you assume people treat you like garbage in the
• 5:26
  home and so you're all ready for it to happen, so you act in ways
• 5:30
  that make it happen. Then it reaffirms what you think
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  is confirmation bias, Etc. Cetera.
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  So if you got treated kind of like you didn't mean anything in
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  the home growing up, doesn't mean your parent was a bad
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  person. Self-centeredness does is not
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  equal to evilness. It means they were overwhelmed.
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  It means they were raised by the same kind of parent.
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  It means they were headed where substance abuser.
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  Depressed. What have you, fine?
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  I'm not saying they're terrible person, but they did not train
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  you to have self-worth, and then you now, believe you don't have
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  any self worth. So when you do you act very
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  self-effacing, Facing and you minimize your own needs and
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  wants and desires. Because you could say, well,
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  it's not a need to have my birthday celebrated then, why'd
• 6:12
  you get your feelings hurt? When it isn't, I'll tell you
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  because it's a basic human need for appreciation and recognition
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  now, if you cannot get, I'll tell you.
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  So, all right, what should we do?
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  First, nobody can answer me. So this is like when mr.
• 6:25
  Rogers talks to the children. Oh, did I hear everybody say we
• 6:29
  should talk about practical strategies to tell your kids?
• 6:32
  How to give you a birthday. Okay guys.
• 6:34
  All right, let's do. At first.
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  So what you would say is it's coming up, my birthday is coming
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  up in two weeks or Father's Day. Or Mother's Day is coming up in
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  two weeks. What are y'all gonna do for me?
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  Haha don't tell me I like surprises.
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  So what I think I would like is a card and a present.
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  So I like you to make me a present.
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  I don't know how to make you president.
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  I've even yeah. That doesn't matter if you know
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  how or not. I would like some sort of
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  picture that you draw and or you could take this 20 bucks into
• 7:00
  the mall and get me something while I stand outside a store,
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  whatever. Whatever your case may be, if
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  you're not a creative home, you're not a creative person.
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  Let them buy you a cup. I don't give a shit what they
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  bite you. You're going to feel good when
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  they come out and they say, no, it's a surprise and they keep it
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  in their room and it plays in literally right on their desk
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  where you could see it anyway in the Box for two weeks and then
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  they remember to bring it down, okay?
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  If you're like I don't I don't even know what you could
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  possibly say. It's a retort to this because
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  it's so practical. So there is no possible retort.
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  Either they draw you a little something and make you a poem or
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  they buy. Something from a store fine.
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  Now, in two weeks you think they're, you remember to take it
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  down from their room, they're not.
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  So then if they come downstairs and they don't say jack shit to
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  you on your birthday or Father's Day.
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  Would you say is? Look at the day.
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  Look at the time. I wonder if there's anything
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  special today by the way, don't just tell them two weeks are.
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  Now you also tell them like a week before, two days before
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  Etc, then they're going to run upstairs, and come downstairs.
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  And say, okay, happy birthday, Mom / dad, wherever you are.
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  And, you know, hope you like your Present.
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  And you're like, wow, thanks. This is great.
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  Now, if you are like now, let's get behind.
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  You know, now I could say, okay, everybody now what should we
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  discuss? Did I hear you say we should
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  discuss? Why should you do this entire
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  charade? Because of this?
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  Why does it not count for you to teach your kid to be a nice
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  person? And appreciate others?
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  Well, it counts, when you teach them manners that, then they
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  say, please. And thank you, it counts, when
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  you teach them to read, or write, or math, or drawing, or
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  about your Legion, or about your holidays or about your
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  background. Anything you teach your kids
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  count except to be nice to you. What the hell, how are they
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  supposed to know that straight out?
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  Apparently, if you're in a home where you have to do this, they
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  not seen anybody being nice to you.
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  Because either you're single or you're with somebody that does
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  not have the wherewithal or the motivation or the kindness to
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  make the children do this for you.
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  So, how the hell would they learn that?
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  You're somebody worth being treated?
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  Well, they don't learn it from you.
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  Treating them. Well, their brain doesn't work
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  like that. That a magical operation of
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  equivalency does not work. They see them getting treated
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  well by you. So they correctly, conclude that
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  they are, who should be treated. Well, not you, you are the
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  traitor, they are the treated. So you got to train them that
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  you should be treated well and that becomes generalizable an
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  analogous to their later attachment figure.
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  So if for no other reason than that, you don't want your little
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  boy to turn into an asshole husband, then you as the mother
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  want to say, It's Mother's Day. On Mother's Day.
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  We celebrate our mothers. Aren't I?
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  Good mother? Yeah.
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  Hell yeah. I am.
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  So you are going to do XYZ for me for mother's day.
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  You won't have to do this every year.
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  You will like riding a bike. You will remove the scaffolding
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  later later. Later first, you're holding the
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  whole bike, then you're just holding a little bit of the
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  bike, there's training wheels. There's not training wheels,
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  whatever. So the next year, they may
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  remember it or they at least we'll know how to go into the
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  store etcetera, Etc. You do this because you're
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  training them to respect and appreciate and love and
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  attachment. Attachment figure, who is kind
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  to them? I see so many men in couples
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  counseling that don't know how to do shit for Mother's Day.
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  That's why I did a whole podcast episode about it.
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  Invariably they say, well, I was raised in a house where this
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  sort of thing we're in a big. Was it a big deal?
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  And sometimes I'm like, you think your mother liked it not
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  being a big deal. They're like, wow, I never
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  thought about it. We just didn't really celebrate
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  things. Oh, my mother never seemed
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  really happy, but, you know, ever.
• 10:30
  Hmm. But, you know, we, we just
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  didn't do it, just just wasn't something.
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  We did. Well man, if that guy's mom
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  would have said, hey Bobby, why don't you draw me some shit for
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  Mother's Day and like make me breakfast and act like you love
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  me then Bobby when he becomes Bob would not have to be
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  spending money in my office to appease his wife who feels
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  emotionally lonely and Abandoned.
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  And on top of it, extremely insulted and offended that
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  Mother's Day was a catastrophe. So even if it's not originally
• 11:04
  for Self because you're uncomfortable saying that you
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  have any needs or wants or should be celebrated and you're
• 11:10
  taking too much of a martyr approach to Parenthood, then,
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  all of which should be explored, obviously, an individual
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  therapy, but even if not for that at first, it can be so that
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  you don't raise assholes so that you don't raise a narcissist so
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  that you don't raise people who don't know how to celebrate
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  others. And remember what I said, this
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  is the key, they're not learning from Chuck E cheese.
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  They're not learning for the $500 that you drop at Chuck E
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  cheese that That attachment figure should be celebrated.
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  They learned that day should be celebrated.
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  So then you end up with this classic selfish.
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  Spouse later in life, who thinks that they deserve, whatever
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  their Love Languages. But they not really in the mood
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  for the other person's love language, whether that is sex
• 11:54
  words of affirmation gifts or anything else.
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  So if you don't want to raise a little asshole, you train them
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  how to be specifically kind to you particularly on these.
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  These days that are important and meaningful that everyone in
• 12:08
  the world wants on some level to be recognized like their birth
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  date. If you say Mother's Day or
• 12:13
  Father's Day, is a Hallmark holiday, you should know right
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  now that you are training a person, especially if it's a
• 12:20
  man, you gotta watch out because this turns into exactly the
• 12:23
  asshole that since it to my office and pays money to me, by
• 12:27
  the minute, to say, well, I'm really believe in Valentine's
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  Day. Well, how's that working out for
• 12:34
  You sitting across from me on zoom in couples counseling
• 12:37
  during your work day when you rather probably be pulling out
• 12:40
  your eyes and coming to my session.
• 12:42
  How's it working out for you? Not to believe in Valentine's
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  Day. How's that belief system working
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  out for your wife? How's it working out for your
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  penis poorly poorly. So anyhow the conclusion of the
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  story is if you do not think that you are worth celebrating
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  or oh by the way, just to just to add two more even more color
• 13:03
  and context. There's there's Even another
• 13:05
  perspective on this, if you were raised by very passive
• 13:07
  aggressive parent that never exactly say what they want to be
• 13:11
  wanted you to read their minds and tell them with what it is
• 13:14
  that they want. Then you may be doing the same
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  thing. Oh my God, you don't want to be
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  like them. You may be dropping tiny little
• 13:22
  indecipherable. Hints particularly in
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  decipherable to somebody whose brain is not fully developed.
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  AKA a child that Mother's Day or your birthday is approaching and
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  then punishing them on some level when they don't get it
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  right? What?
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  Done to you. It was for sure if you're doing
• 13:37
  it now. So these are the people that say
• 13:40
  something like, oh I wonder, you know, I don't really have
• 13:44
  anything planned for my birthday, while the kids like
• 13:46
  playing video games or, you know, picking their nose or
• 13:49
  whatever, they're not even listening.
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  And then the birthday comes. Nothing happens.
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  The kid doesn't even fucking know the kid doesn't literally
• 13:56
  even know or remember that. It's the parents birthday and
• 13:59
  then the parent is upset. Sorry, it's early in the
• 14:03
  morning. I have my coffee here, but I
• 14:06
  can't release it because I talk so incessantly.
• 14:10
  So, so anyhow kid doesn't even know.
• 14:13
  And then the parent punishes the kid for, like, the next week.
• 14:15
  They're upset with the kit there.
• 14:17
  There we P. There's sulky there, silent,
• 14:20
  weep. It would be too much for the
• 14:21
  passive aggressive, but they're silent.
• 14:23
  They're a little sarcastic, whatever they are, but the kid
• 14:26
  didn't know you didn't give them a fair shot.
• 14:30
  So if this was done to you then realize that you should not be
• 14:34
  doing it to anybody else. So these are all the reasons
• 14:37
  that your birthday Father's Day Mother's Day Etc.
• 14:39
  Could have been going like shit. Some of them are your kids are
• 14:42
  assholes, but you made them the asshole.
• 14:44
  It's you kiss. Will come out of the womb, as
• 14:46
  asshole. They really don't.
• 14:48
  This is not some sort of sci-fi movie, The Exorcist.
• 14:51
  Something kid comes out of the womb is a self-centered asshole.
• 14:54
  You created assholes are created.
• 14:56
  They're not born. So if The kid is acting like an
• 15:00
  asshole, think deeply, and interrogate want.
• 15:03
  Usually, it's because your parent was an asshole.
• 15:04
  So you expect that people are assholes to you.
• 15:07
  It's really not much more complicated than that.
• 15:09
  Sometimes they're emulating, the co-parent, who's an asshole, but
• 15:12
  you pick that motherfucker, right?
• 15:14
  You pick that? Why did you pick that one?
• 15:16
  When you pick them? Because on some level they were
• 15:19
  an asshole. This is familiar to you from
• 15:21
  being treated like shit by a previous asshole, the original
• 15:24
  or asshole. This person is a parent and they
• 15:28
  may not have meant Be an asshole at all.
• 15:30
  So don't get mad. I'm calling your mother and
• 15:32
  asshole. I'm not what I'm saying is that
• 15:34
  if your mother had a lot of shit on her plate at her own issues,
• 15:38
  and I'm sure her childhood was worse than yours because that's
• 15:40
  the way that that formula always works.
• 15:42
  They maybe just maybe she will your father or both could have
• 15:46
  trained, you that you're really not that important and you
• 15:49
  swallow this Kool-Aid wholesale and are now unintentionally
• 15:52
  train your kids to treat you. Similarly.
• 15:55
  So that's a lot to think about, probably think about it and
• 15:58
  listen to this podcast again. Then if it resonated with you,
• 16:00
  listen to it again, sometimes, listening it to it to it again.
• 16:04
  People tell me works very well for them and I will talk to
• 16:07
  everybody soon and if your birthday happens to be coming up
• 16:10
  this coming week, then you think about this as a sign from Heaven
• 16:13
  that you should get on this shit right now?
• 16:15
  Posthaste immediately. All right, I will talk to
• 16:18
  everybody soon and subscribe.