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Mojo Monday - The Pull To Belong With Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone, Carlie Taylor here for this week's My Joe Monday.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: So I've been working at a school the last few months.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: I've been working doing some one on one work with
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  Speaker 1: some teenagers and I'm learning so much about these amazing
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: young people and how they think and feel and dream,
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: and one theme that keeps coming up again and again
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  Speaker 1: is their deep human need to belong. So you think
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  Speaker 1: back when you were a teenager, do you remember a
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: time when you felt left out, maybe you weren't invited
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: to a party, or you didn't feel included, maybe even ignored.
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  Speaker 1: And that actually happened to me in year ten. It's
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  Speaker 1: quite a clear memory for me. I remember it was
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: in the morning and I walked into the common area
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: where all my friends were and I was completely ghosted
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  Speaker 1: and for reasons I don't even know now, but it
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: was very cruel and it was really painful. And it's
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: amazing how these moments stay with us. That sting of
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  Speaker 1: exclusion can linger for years, and it can shape how
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  Speaker 1: we feel to just be ourselves. And that's because belonging
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  Speaker 1: it isn't just emotional or psychological, it's evolutionary. For thousands
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  Speaker 1: of years, survival depended on being part of a group,
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  Speaker 1: part of a tribe, and if you were cast out,
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  Speaker 1: you didn't just lose friends, you lost safety, food, and protection.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: So you think about that adolescent brain. It's evolved to
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: care deeply about belonging. It's a time when young people
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: are becoming more independent, pulling away from parents, turning towards
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: their peers. In with a group becomes a central focus.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: And from what I've seen at the school, it's very
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: openly acknowledged as well. So these students they talk about
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: their groups. It's like groups are named and they're even categorized,
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  Speaker 1: and there's a real pressure around finding your group, and
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  Speaker 1: for many teenagers that search can bring as much stress
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: as it does comfort. So there's a research psychologist, Lucy Foux,
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: who's done a lot of research in the adolescent area,
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  Speaker 1: and she explains that during the teenage years, the brain
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: social and emotional systems become hyper sensitive. So teenagers start
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: to tune in intensely to social cues. So things like
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: who's in, who's out, what people think of them, what
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  Speaker 1: people are wearing, what music they listen to. This is
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: what as parents and onlookers think, maybe kind of vanity,
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  Speaker 1: but it's actually their biology. Their brains are learning the
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  Speaker 1: rules of the social world, preparing them for adulthood. It's
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: just hugely intensified around that age. But for many young people,
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  Speaker 1: especially those who feel like square pegs trying to fit
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  Speaker 1: into round holes, this can dry. This drive can come
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: at a cost, so they might hide their quirks, or
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: not express their opinions, or shrink parts of themselves just
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: to blend in. And at the heart of all of
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  Speaker 1: this is this need to be seen, not for what
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: you have achieved or how well you fit the mold
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: that's created, but for who you are when you stop
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: trying to be someone else. So to be seen is
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: to be recognized and accepted and valued without needing to
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: shrink or mold yourself into someone else idea of what's acceptable.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: That's the kind of belonging that restores us, the kind
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  Speaker 1: that reminds you that you are good the way you are.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: Of course, there's always for improvement. We're always improving ourselves,
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  Speaker 1: but not for the sake of someone else's validation of
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: whether you are good enough or someone else liking you.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: So it's not about fitting in. Really, it's about feeling
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  Speaker 1: like you can show up as yourself. We don't often
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  Speaker 1: get this until we become adults, and even then we
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: may not find that. But I think it's something our
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: young people can be aware of, so when they're socially
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: struggling getting support with social skills, or knowing that not
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: everyone is going to like them and they won't like everyone,
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  Speaker 1: and that no one is worth sacrificing your worth too.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: But you can feel worthy by being worthy to the
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: right people. And it starts with one person, like a
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: classmate or a teacher, a coach, a friend, who notices
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: someone on the edge and offers a small moment of inclusion.
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  Speaker 1: So maybe this week pause and look around your own
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  Speaker 1: social circles who might be trying to belong like who's
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: on the outside just hoping to be seen. Because when
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: you help someone feel seen, you strengthen your own sense
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: of belonging to and in a world where everyone's trying
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  Speaker 1: to find their place, whether you're a teenager or whether
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: you're an adult, that might just be the most powerful
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  Speaker 1: act of connection that we have. So thank you for
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  Speaker 1: listening to you this week's Mojo Monday, and I will
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: catch you next week. Seea