Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 212: Positivity, Negativity, and Finding Neutral: 3 Ways to Think About Anything

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212: Positivity, Negativity, and Finding Neutral: 3 Ways to Think About Anything · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Speaker 6: Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  Speaker 6: I hope that everybody is doing well.
• 0:24
  Speaker 6: I know that for so many of you, this is a very busy time of year with all of the end-of-school activities and so many things going on and graduations.
• 0:32
  Speaker 6: So I want you to know I'm really thinking about you.
• 0:34
  Speaker 6: I'm really empathizing with you.
• 0:36
  Speaker 6: For me, this is my first year not having any school events.
• 0:39
  Speaker 6: I don't have any kids currently in public school, and oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you.
• 0:45
  Speaker 6: So I wanted to share something with you kind of fun.
• 0:48
  Speaker 6: It is not very often that I do live events, and I've kind of missed it a little bit.
• 0:53
  Speaker 6: It's been a hot minute since I've done anything like that.
• 0:56
  Speaker 6: So I was recently invited to speak at a women's event, and I am so looking forward to it.
• 1:01
  Speaker 6: In fact, the day that this episode drops, I will be presenting at this little women's gathering, and I thought I would share one of the exercises that I plan to do with these women because I think it can be so empowering.
• 1:13
  Speaker 6: So here's how we're gonna play.
• 1:15
  Speaker 6: Are you ready?
• 1:16
  Speaker 6: First, you're gonna come up with a neutral circumstance, and then you're gonna come up with three different ways to think about it.
• 1:22
  Speaker 6: Okay?
• 1:22
  Speaker 6: So remember, the circumstance is completely neutral.
• 1:26
  Speaker 6: It's not positive or negative.
• 1:27
  Speaker 6: It's just the facts, and then you're gonna come up with one positive thought, one negative thought, and one neutral thought, and it sounds simple enough, right?
• 1:37
  Speaker 6: And here's why I want you to come up with three different thoughts from three different categories.
• 1:40
  Speaker 6: It's really going to challenge your mind.
• 1:42
  Speaker 6: It's really going to expand how it is that you engage with the world, and here's why.
• 1:47
  Speaker 6: For many people, in fact, for most people, then they tend to look at the negative.
• 1:52
  Speaker 6: So the brain has a negativity bias, and this is a safety mechanism, okay?
• 1:57
  Speaker 6: So if you tend to look at the negative, there's nothing wrong with you.
• 2:00
  Speaker 6: Your brain just works exactly the way it was designed.
• 2:03
  Speaker 6: So your brain is designed to seek out problems to keep you safe.
• 2:07
  Speaker 6: So it's gonna be looking, be like,"Oh, watch your step over there.
• 2:09
  Speaker 6: Oh, be careful.
• 2:10
  Speaker 6: That person might be kind of angry." It's gonna look for all of these things and say,"Oh, you better avoid that," in order to keep you safe.
• 2:17
  Speaker 6: That's its job, is to seek out problems.
• 2:20
  Speaker 6: But one problem with this is that when you have a negativity bias, it's kind of like going through life with blinders on.
• 2:27
  Speaker 6: So yes, you're going to be seeing all of the problems, but you're not seeing the whole picture.
• 2:32
  Speaker 6: In fact, you're gonna be overlooking a lot of the positive things that are happening around you.
• 2:38
  Speaker 6: Now, for other people, then they do have a default setting that goes towards optimism, and again, this is in an effort to keep them safe.
• 2:45
  Speaker 6: If they can always be on the positive side, they might not experience any negative emotions, right?
• 2:51
  Speaker 6: That's always the hope.
• 2:52
  Speaker 6: And this optimism, it can be a really, really helpful thing when you're wanting to feel good, when you're wanting to feel capable, when you're wanting some forward momentum.
• 3:02
  Speaker 6: And also, sometimes it's this positivity that, again, we're not seeing the whole picture.
• 3:07
  Speaker 6: We're only looking at the possibility of what could be and how amazing it could be.
• 3:12
  Speaker 6: And so sometimes this positivity, it can lead us to bite off more than we can chew, or it can lead us towards burnout.
• 3:19
  Speaker 6: And so just like with the brain that is always looking for the negative, sometimes the brain that only sees the positive, it's not seeing the whole picture.
• 3:26
  Speaker 6: And for many people, then this could be a potential reason why they remain stuck in unhealthy and unsupportive relationships, because they're forever looking at the potential and how great things could be with just a few small changes.
• 3:39
  Speaker 6: And so it might be keeping them stuck in some ways because they're struggling to radically accept what is, which is impacting their decision-making.
• 3:47
  Speaker 6: And to be honest, there are going to be some times in life when having a full-on positive thought, that's going to be a bit of a challenge, okay?
• 3:55
  Speaker 6: So we're gonna kinda refer to the positive thoughts as either positive thoughts or best friend thoughts, because our best friend always wants us to feel better, right?
• 4:02
  Speaker 6: So thinking about it in terms of what would my best friend tell me right now can help you to look for those positive thoughts if you struggle with a negativity bias.
• 4:10
  Speaker 6: And then the third kind of thought that we're going to be practicing is just simply having a neutral thought.
• 4:15
  Speaker 6: So this is a thought that is not positive or negative.
• 4:18
  Speaker 6: It's just neutral.
• 4:19
  Speaker 6: And this neutrality, it can help to create some curiosity, and it can actually help us to see things a little bit more clearly.
• 4:26
  Speaker 6: So these neutral thoughts, I kind of want you to think of them as being a judge, okay?
• 4:31
  Speaker 6: So you're gonna have this side over here that says,"Here's all the evidence that I'm right," and then this side over here saying,"Oh, no, but I have all of this counter-evidence that I'm right." And the judge has to sit and decide from a neutral space what's actually true.
• 4:44
  Speaker 6: It's taking all of the evidence in, working to see all of it clearly, and then making a decision.
• 4:49
  Speaker 6: So oftentimes the judge is gonna say,"Okay, I hear you, and I hear you, and I'm actually seeing that the truth is somewhere in the middle." So practicing those neutral thoughts can be very helpful if you're wanting to see things a little bit more clearly.
• 5:03
  Speaker 6: And then once you've identified at least these three different ways of looking at your circumstance, then it's really helpful because you can see at that point that, wow, I have options here.
• 5:13
  Speaker 6: I'm not locked into one thing.
• 5:14
  Speaker 6: I'm not stuck.
• 5:15
  Speaker 6: I'm not trapped.
• 5:16
  Speaker 6: I have control over what it is that I want to think, okay?
• 5:20
  Speaker 6: Nobody can control your thinking but you.
• 5:23
  Speaker 6: And raising your awareness around the fact that it is a choice can be so empowering, and that's where we can gain and develop so much self-confidence, is by just recognizing that, wow, I do have a choice here.
• 5:35
  Speaker 6: Okay, so that being said, now let's play around with a few examples, okay?
• 5:39
  Speaker 6: So last week when my last episode dropped, then I had a longtime listener and a former client message me on social media, and she just let me know,"Hey, MaryAnn, I just wanna let you know that it sounds like your unedited version of the podcast dropped instead of your edited version." And there are so many different thoughts that I could think about this, right?
• 5:59
  Speaker 6: So she let me know the facts that,"Hey, just so you know, this is what was uploaded," and then I have so many options available to me about what to think, okay?
• 6:08
  Speaker 6: So some of the more negative thoughts might be,"Ugh, how embarrassing.
• 6:13
  Speaker 6: That is so unprofessional.
• 6:15
  Speaker 6: People are probably gonna stop listening.
• 6:17
  Speaker 6: I'm going to be losing listeners.
• 6:18
  Speaker 6: I'm gonna be seeing my downloads diminish over this.
• 6:21
  Speaker 6: I should hide.
• 6:22
  Speaker 6: I should shut down.
• 6:24
  Speaker 6: I'm probably not a very good podcaster.
• 6:26
  Speaker 6: I'm probably not even a good coach.
• 6:27
  Speaker 6: I should just quit." But none of those thoughts are actually helpful, okay?
• 6:33
  Speaker 6: So some more positive thoughts or some best friend thoughts might be,"Oh my goodness, I simply adore Katie.
• 6:39
  Speaker 6: I am so grateful that she took time out of her day to let me know that there was a problem.
• 6:44
  Speaker 6: Awe, that was so nice of her, and I'm so grateful that I found out about it and that I was able to get it resolved within seven hours of it dropping instead of days or weeks later.
• 6:54
  Speaker 6: Oh, what a lifesaver.
• 6:56
  Speaker 6: I sure love my people.
• 6:57
  Speaker 6: I just so love that they have my back.
• 6:59
  Speaker 6: I feel so loved and supported by my community." Now, those thoughts are significantly more supportive.
• 7:07
  Speaker 6: And I will admit that, yes, there was a time when I would've been absolutely mortified.
• 7:12
  Speaker 6: And I'll be honest with you, yeah, this has happened before.
• 7:14
  Speaker 6: It's happened more than once that the unedited version went out.
• 7:19
  Speaker 6: And over time and through coaching, I've been able to learn how to just radically accept what is without getting sucked into the mind drama and shutting down.
• 7:27
  Speaker 6: I've been able to learn how to better process in the moment and see things clearly and just course-correct as needed so that I can just fix the problem and move on instead of just getting stuck in my head.
• 7:39
  Speaker 6: So for me, on this particular day, I mostly had a lot of positive best friend thoughts, and it felt good to be in that headspace.
• 7:47
  Speaker 6: And for me, the most helpful thoughts were the positive best friend thoughts about how much I appreciate Katie.
• 7:52
  Speaker 6: Thank you, Katie.
• 7:54
  Speaker 6: And also just a few neutral thoughts, right?
• 7:57
  Speaker 6: So the neutral thoughts were,"Okay, the file's wrong.
• 8:01
  Speaker 6: It's time to fix it." That's it.
• 8:03
  Speaker 6: I didn't have to actually make it mean anything positive or negative about me I could just make it, okay, that's a thing that happened.
• 8:09
  Speaker 6: Let's fix it.
• 8:10
  Speaker 6: All right?
• 8:11
  Speaker 6: Okay, let's use another example.
• 8:13
  Speaker 6: And as I share this one, just as a reminder, I want to remind you that circumstances are neutral until we have a thought about it.
• 8:20
  Speaker 6: So you're gonna identify your circumstance and make sure it has no emotion attached to it, no personal bias, okay?
• 8:26
  Speaker 6: So for example, if somebody came to me on a coaching call and they said,"My partner is so rude," they might be saying it like it's a fact, but it's not a fact.
• 8:37
  Speaker 6: It's just a thought.
• 8:38
  Speaker 6: They can tell me that their partner's so rude, but I have no idea what actually happened.
• 8:43
  Speaker 6: Okay?
• 8:44
  Speaker 6: So in this particular instance, I might say,"Hey, can you tell me what happened?
• 8:49
  Speaker 6: What are you saying?
• 8:49
  Speaker 6: Like, why was your partner being rude?
• 8:51
  Speaker 6: What happened?" And then they might say,"Well, I tried a new recipe, and they said that they didn't like it." Okay.
• 8:58
  Speaker 6: Neutral circumstance is partner said that they didn't like the new recipe that I tried.
• 9:03
  Speaker 6: And there's a lot of ways that we could think about that, right?
• 9:06
  Speaker 6: So some negative thoughts, we've already identified one, my partner is so rude.
• 9:10
  Speaker 6: We might also be thinking,"They should just be grateful that I cooked." Or we might be thinking,"Well, if they don't like it, they should do the cooking." Or we might be thinking,"Well, if they can't say something nice, they shouldn't say anything at all.
• 9:21
  Speaker 6: Right?
• 9:21
  Speaker 6: There's so many negative thoughts that we could think about that.
• 9:24
  Speaker 6: Now, some best friend thoughts might be,"Well, I tried my best," or maybe,"Hmm, at least I liked it." Or we might even think,"You know what?
• 9:33
  Speaker 6: I'm really glad that my partner feels safe enough to let me know their preferences." Because the truth is, a lot of people have food preferences.
• 9:40
  Speaker 6: You probably also have food preferences.
• 9:42
  Speaker 6: And there's a few foods that people are very opinionated about.
• 9:45
  Speaker 6: For example, olives.
• 9:47
  Speaker 6: I do not personally know anybody that is neutral about olives.
• 9:50
  Speaker 6: People either love them or they hate them.
• 9:52
  Speaker 6: That's just how it is.
• 9:54
  Speaker 6: Same with pineapple on pizza.
• 9:55
  Speaker 6: People have a lot of strong opinions about pineapple on pizza.
• 10:00
  Speaker 6: And so you might have positive thoughts or negative thoughts, or you might even have some more neutral thoughts like,"Oh, I wonder what it is that they didn't like about it.
• 10:08
  Speaker 6: Is it just that they don't like olives?
• 10:10
  Speaker 6: Okay, well, that's easy enough to change.
• 10:12
  Speaker 6: Is it that they really don't like kale?
• 10:14
  Speaker 6: Um, what is it?
• 10:15
  Speaker 6: Do they like their steak cooked differently?
• 10:17
  Speaker 6: Like, what's the problem?
• 10:18
  Speaker 6: Is there a way that I could make a meal that I like and make it versatile enough that they could also like it?
• 10:24
  Speaker 6: Or is this something that I'm just going to make for myself when they're not at home because I really like it and they don't like it?" Right?
• 10:29
  Speaker 6: There's just so many ways that we could think about it.
• 10:32
  Speaker 6: But when we're having more neutral thoughts like,"Oh, I guess that they just don't like olives," then we're not taking it personally.
• 10:39
  Speaker 6: We're not making it mean anything negative about us or about our partner, right?
• 10:43
  Speaker 6: We're able to just radically accept things exactly the way that they are.
• 10:47
  Speaker 6: Okay, now let's do another example.
• 10:49
  Speaker 6: I'm gonna use an example of a dog because we adopted a dog from the Humane Society in January, and it's been a little bit of an adjustment.
• 10:56
  Speaker 6: Oh my goodness, though, she is the sweetest thing.
• 10:58
  Speaker 6: I absolutely adore her.
• 10:59
  Speaker 6: But we've had a few messes in the house.
• 11:02
  Speaker 6: So we're gonna use that as our example.
• 11:04
  Speaker 6: Your dog made a mess on the carpet.
• 11:07
  Speaker 6: Now, more than likely, you're not going to be super optimistic about this one.
• 11:12
  Speaker 6: This might be a situation where you actually lean a little bit more towards being either negative or neutral.
• 11:17
  Speaker 6: You do not have to be happy that your dog peed on the carpet, okay?
• 11:20
  Speaker 6: So some negative thoughts might be,"I can't believe that my partner didn't let the dog out.
• 11:25
  Speaker 6: This is all their fault.
• 11:26
  Speaker 6: They should have known to let the dog out." Or we might be thinking,"You know what?
• 11:29
  Speaker 6: That dog is always doing things that they shouldn't be doing.
• 11:32
  Speaker 6: Boy, that's frustrating.
• 11:33
  Speaker 6: I hate cleaning up pee." Those are all the negative thoughts we could be thinking.
• 11:37
  Speaker 6: Some best friend thoughts might be,"Eh, these things happen." Or we might even think,"Boy, I'm glad I have my own carpet cleaner.
• 11:45
  Speaker 6: That makes things easier." Or,"Well, at least my dog is cute." Those are the best friend thoughts, right?
• 11:50
  Speaker 6: And some neutral thoughts might just be,"I guess it's time to clean the carpet," right?
• 11:55
  Speaker 6: It's no big deal.
• 11:56
  Speaker 6: It's just time to clean the carpet.
• 11:57
  Speaker 6: It's not a problem.
• 11:59
  Speaker 6: Now, the main thing that I want you to notice is that all thoughts are optional.
• 12:04
  Speaker 6: There are so many thoughts that we could think, and some thoughts are gonna feel good and supportive, and other thoughts are gonna feel terrible, and then other thoughts are just gonna kind of neutralize the situation.
• 12:15
  Speaker 6: They all serve a purpose, and once you're better able to recognize that all thoughts are optional, that's when you're able to more intentionally choose into them, right?
• 12:24
  Speaker 6: That's where the self-empowerment is, is I can't control my circumstances, but I can always control how it is I'm choosing to think about my circumstances, and there are a million different ways to think about it.
• 12:37
  Speaker 6: Also, I wanna point out that there are times when you might just wanna feel bad And that's okay.
• 12:43
  Speaker 6: Feelings are a part of life.
• 12:45
  Speaker 6: Life is fifty percent positive and fifty percent negative.
• 12:48
  Speaker 6: It just is.
• 12:49
  Speaker 6: That is the human experience.
• 12:51
  Speaker 6: And I know that for me, I do not want to jump up and down for joy when somebody close to me dies.
• 12:58
  Speaker 6: I actually want to feel grief.
• 12:59
  Speaker 6: I want to feel sadness.
• 13:01
  Speaker 6: I want to miss them.
• 13:02
  Speaker 6: I want to feel those feelings, and that's okay.
• 13:06
  Speaker 6: Also, as another example, if I was working for somebody else and I got laid off, I would not want to immediately jump into,"Oh, thank you so much for this opportunity to work somewhere else.
• 13:15
  Speaker 6: I'm so excited to rewrite my resume.
• 13:17
  Speaker 6: I'm so excited to learn somebody else's new systems and protocols and how to do my work.
• 13:21
  Speaker 6: Oh, I'm so excited about all of this." I wouldn't want to do that, right?
• 13:25
  Speaker 6: I would want to feel my grief, and then later I could look at the bright side.
• 13:28
  Speaker 6: So notice too the timing of these thoughts, that sometimes you just wanna feel bad, and that's okay.
• 13:35
  Speaker 6: You don't need to make yourself feel worse by telling yourself that you shouldn't be feeling bad.
• 13:41
  Speaker 6: The goal is not to always feel good.
• 13:44
  Speaker 6: The goal is simply to raise your own personal awareness around the fact that your thoughts create your feelings, and then choose your thoughts more intentionally.
• 13:53
  Speaker 6: So this week, just start to notice where your thoughts are.
• 13:55
  Speaker 6: Just kind of notice where you're kind of leaning towards the negative.
• 13:59
  Speaker 6: Notice where you're leaning towards the positive, and notice where you're practicing just being a little bit more neutral about what's going on around you.
• 14:06
  Speaker 6: And see if you can come up with at least three ways to think about your specific situation.
• 14:11
  Speaker 6: And of course, if you would like help and support learning how to navigate your mind, learning how to navigate your emotions, learning how to create new thoughts, you know that I've got you.
• 14:19
  Speaker 6: So you can click the link in the show notes to come and work with me.
• 14:22
  Speaker 6: And also, I want to let you know about a special offering that I have for you.
• 14:26
  Speaker 6: I have personally created a 20-minute meditation just for you, just for recovering people-pleasers.
• 14:32
  Speaker 6: This meditation, it contains over 100 affirmations specifically for recovering people-pleasers.
• 14:38
  Speaker 6: It's there to help you to rewire your brain, help you to use your thoughts in more supportive ways, and it just gives me a way to be in your ear for 20 minutes a day.
• 14:45
  Speaker 6: Now, this is a more upbeat meditation, and so yes, you can listen to it as you're falling asleep, but it's also okay to listen to as you're taking a walk or as you're doing the dishes.
• 14:55
  Speaker 6: And it's just one small way that you can practice into new thoughts, and it's available to you for only$7.
• 15:01
  Speaker 6: So check out the link in the show notes and until next week, you know, here's to being more intentional with our thoughts, and I'll see you next time.
• 15:09
  Speaker 6: Bye now