Latest / What The Heck with Matt Bellassai / Guinea pig blowouts, Facebook Marketplace, tiramisu culture

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Guinea pig blowouts, Facebook Marketplace, tiramisu culture · What The Heck with Matt Bellassai

0:03
Welcome to What the Heck with Matt Bellassai, a brand new
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podcast about what the heck is going on, what the heck is
0:10
happening and all the things that make me say what the heck
0:14
the heck is going on in here? The heck are people thinking?
0:18
What the heck are people talking about?
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I'm going to get into all of it right here on this podcast.
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That's right folks. Matt Bellassai, me, your host,
0:28
has returned to the the great art of podcasting.
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Where would we be without some of our greatest podcasters?
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Probably much better off, if we're being completely honest.
0:42
Podcasts have done so much for culture.
0:46
Can't really think of anything right now, but I'm sure they've
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done great things. They freed that.
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Remember the first podcast that ever exist that freed Adnan?
0:55
He's still in jail. Fuck the thing that kicked off
1:01
all podcasts. They didn't even free him, did
1:03
they? I think they found him more
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guilty. I'm so the ghost of Sarah Koenig
1:11
is going to haunt me. Anyway, welcome to what the
1:15
heck, this a brand new podcast. I am so excited to be back on
1:19
the podcast. Mike said nobody.
1:22
I'm your host, Matt Bellassai, for the uninitiated.
1:26
I am an Internet sensation. I'll just say it.
1:30
I've been around these Internet airwaves, these Internet tubes
1:34
for the past 10 years, starting at BuzzFeed, where I did whine
1:38
about it. Then I had to go away to a
1:41
facility, but I came out kick in.
1:45
No, I do think some people think that I stopped doing what about
1:48
it because I had to go to like, rehab or something.
1:52
The number of assumptions that people have made about my
1:55
choices in life when it can all be pretty much directly linked
1:59
to pure laziness, is astounding. But yeah, I've been around the
2:06
Internet. I've been around these streets,
2:09
making videos, making podcasts. You may know me from Unhappy
2:13
Hour, the podcast May She Rest in Peace.
2:17
Dissent, Tell the podcast May She Rest in peace.
2:21
Cancelled after Amazon decided to give all of our money to the
2:24
Kelsey Brothers. Shout out, you can have me on
2:29
your show whenever you'd like. I'm happy to talk about whatever
2:32
they talk about on that show. Pussy lips.
2:35
I'm guessing the laughter in the room is coming from none other
2:40
than producer Barry Finkel, sockified to maintain her
2:46
anonymity. Of course, a brand new audience
2:53
may also know me from TikTok and Baked Baking, but I saw the
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state of podcasts these days and said someone's got to do
3:01
something. Someone's got to step in and
3:03
save these people from what is happening to their ears and
3:06
their eyeballs. Because guess what?
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We're also on video now. Video didn't exist when I did on
3:11
Happy Hour and thank God it does now because now you get to see
3:15
my beautiful thighs. If you're watching, you'll get
3:19
to watch every single week as my shorts get progressively farther
3:24
up my asshole. I went to the gym today.
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I was walking on the treadmill and when I tell you my pussy was
3:30
eating good, OK, I I was wearing these short shorts and I swear
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to God I had to pull them out of me by the end of it.
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And I know this is a lot to kind of kick off a podcast with, but
3:43
I will say I was pulling, Do you ever, do you ever get a wedgie
3:47
that's so bad that you kind of have to remove it from having
3:50
entered your body? Yeah, yeah.
3:51
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like there's got to
3:54
be another word for a wedgie, and wedgie doesn't fully
3:56
encompass what is happening. A wedgie.
4:00
A wedge jet. A wedge in.
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The fuck is a wedge in? But a wedgie is so far.
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In Yeah anyway, I took like a surgical team to remove my my
4:17
pants and underwear from my ass crack when I was done.
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But that is the kind of excitement that you'll get to
4:23
look forward to every single week.
4:25
Also in the room somewhere she'll be around is executive
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producer Truffles. She's the the executive producer
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of piss and shit. Am I right 'cause she'd be
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shitting and farting? No, that is just some of the
4:40
good-natured humor you could look forward to on what the heck
4:44
the podcast. And look, I know it's
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embarrassing to have a podcast. Do you think I'm proud of this?
4:50
Do you think I'm proud to announce to people when they
4:53
ask, hey, what are you up to? Oh, I'm getting ready to launch
4:55
a new podcast. No, they look at me like I'm a
4:59
litter of kittens that they want to drown in a bathtub.
5:02
Do you remember when they used to drown?
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Well, they probably still do. And like pioneer days, they'd be
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like, we got too many fucking kittens.
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I guess we'll just drown this litter.
5:13
What? I'm probably not making that up.
5:18
You can never be sure. And that's one legal
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announcement that I'd like to make up top.
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And I don't know if this holds any kind of ground, but I will
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say, don't listen to anything I say.
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This is not legal advice. I'm not telling you where to put
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your money in the markets. If anything, this is an example
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of how not to live your life. But every week I'm going to be
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talking about all the things that make me say what the heck,
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which is quite a lot of them. I spend a lot of time on the
5:45
Internet, more than a a normal person should.
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All the warnings that they issue about the what the Internet is
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doing to our brain. You're looking at patient zero
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right here. The worst has happened, folks.
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I'm now in a basement with a podcast microphone.
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It's subjecting people to the thoughts that are going around
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my brain. This is what you don't want to
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be in life. But I've bravely chosen to live
6:11
this way. And it's thanks to my truth that
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you are getting this very podcast.
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You're welcome. Round of applause.
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But the amount of stuff that I see on the Internet and in real
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life every single week and frankly in my own life and in
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the mirror, the, the amount of stuff that I'm seeing that makes
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me exclaim, what the heck, every single week is excessive.
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And I need a place to put it because my friends are getting
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tired of listening to me. So that's what this podcast is.
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It's about me talking about all the things that are frustrating
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me every single week. And here we are in the What the
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Heck Basement, which we have put together with the help of my
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first What the Heck of the Week, which is what the heck is going
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on with Facebook Marketplace. It's a dark sided place, a place
7:05
that nobody should go. And yet every day I think I read
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they're doing $3 trillion of business on Facebook Marketplace
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every single day. And that's the fact that I just
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made-up, but it sounds like it could be real.
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No, I, I don't know what it's the opposite of proponent
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opponent. I'm an opponent of Facebook
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Marketplace. Mark Zuckerberg.
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If I ever catch you in these streets, it's on site for what
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you've put me through A number of the items in the what the
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heck basement are in fact acquired from Facebook
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Marketplace. I personally, I'm not a big
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Facebook Marketplace person. Obviously some other people
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involved in the production do believe in the use of Facebook
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Marketplace. Listen, you can get some good
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pieces, there's some good stuff on there, but I just feel like
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everything on Facebook Marketplace is covered in jizz
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and, or covered in blood and, or someone got murdered on it.
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Hopefully all three. I don't even fuck with thrift
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stores, to be completely honest, 'cause I don't, I don't like,
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oh, there's this beautiful coat. I want to know its entire
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history from from sweatshop to the rack.
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I want to know where my clothes are coming from.
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And I don't know if you go to a thrift store and you see this,
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oh, look, this beautiful Native American headdress, I don't know
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the history there. I don't know the history there.
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Oh, look, this beautiful sweater at the thrift store.
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OK, Someone's grandma died in that.
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I bet there are people who go to estate sales.
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I'm like, there's someone's bad energy and juju is all over
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that. I don't, I don't know.
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Something about it is upsetting to me.
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And Facebook Marketplace makes the beautiful decision of kind
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of bringing it right to your doorstep.
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You don't even have to leave to acquire haunted items.
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You can peruse on Facebook. It'll show you all of your local
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insane people. The ethos of Facebook
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Marketplace is basically like, hey, can we interest you in an
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item that like almost definitely has been come all over it.
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In order to get it, you have to kind of do this kind of drug
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deal style rendezvous with a stranger that you meet on the
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Internet. And the customer service is sort
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of like the same as a medieval bazaar.
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I don't understand why people are willingly putting themselves
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through this just to get 20 bucks for like a shitty lamp
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that you bought from IKEA. And I don't want to sound
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disrespectful to people who are putting in the hustle.
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If this is for you, this is for you and I encourage you to keep
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going at it. Be an entrepreneur.
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But I do think like Facebook Marketplace is dark sided and
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people need to be held accountable for what they're
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doing on that website. I firmly believe that.
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No, But we did get a a number of items.
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I think part of my hesitation is the fact that I grew up outside
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of Chicago. My dad is an avid antique
10:32
collector. A antique what, you ask?
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Well, I don't fucking know. Mostly clocks.
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I told that to an art teacher in, what was it, freshman year
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of high school. And my art teacher, I, I was
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like, yeah, my dad collects clocks.
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And she straight up was like, oh, your dad's gay.
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I was like, I know the art teacher gay teenager
11:03
relationship is like, what are the most cherished relationships
11:07
that, you know, exist in this world?
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But that she was playing crazy. I was like, you've met my mom
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first of all, So it's kind of crazy to say that anyway, I
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don't maybe this was a good time to pause and say that I did
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order Mexican food for dinner. It did come with what didn't
11:27
come with. We ordered margaritas with they
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come in these this little mystery bottle.
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It made you order for margaritas.
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There was no quantity of margaritas below 4, and so
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naturally we got a four pack of margaritas in these mystery.
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No good drink has ever come in this that hasn't caused an
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issue. It was, this is like Sunny D,
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which I thought I was allergic to when I was a child because I
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threw up once after drinking it, even though I also probably had
12:00
the flu. Does that ever happen to you
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though, when you're like a child and you drink something, you
12:07
drink or eat something and then you happen to be sick and it's
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like, Oh well, now I can never eat or drink that again.
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That happened. I got a piano, a keyboard for
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Christmas one year, but that Christmas I was sick and it, I
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sort of forever associated the piano with being sick.
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And that's why I'm not Beethoven 'cause I would be, I think I
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would be. What do they call when a little
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child is like really good at something?
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Prodigy, Prodigy. Yes, I could have been a piano
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prodigy if I didn't have the flu that one Christmas.
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Anyway, Facebook Marketplace. Back to Facebook Marketplace.
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What a dark sided place. We acquired a number of items in
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the what the heck basement from Facebook Marketplace, including
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the very chair that I'm sitting on, which I don't like to think
12:57
about because who died in this? Who came on this, whose blood,
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sweat and tears is seeping all over it.
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And yeah, OK, there's something beautiful about the fact that,
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like, now it's my blood, sweat, tears and calm that's going to
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be all over it. But I don't want to think about
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it. I don't like to think about it.
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And Facebook Marketplace sort of confronts you with that just in
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terms of, like, a little tour of the, what the heck, basement.
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We have this beautiful chair. Yeah, it reclines.
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But I won't show you that right now because I'm not wearing
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underwear. We got a beautiful telephone
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that eventually we will be taking voicemails on.
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I'll get to that later. Plant a beautiful vintage cuckoo
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clock that I should say recreation of a vintage cuckoo
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clock, otherwise known as a brand new cuckoo clock.
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This lovely working television that we did get kind of swindled
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on. There was a man that went to it
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at this television electronics store in New York City in, I
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don't know, like the Lower East Side.
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They have a bunch of all of these like vintage TV's and
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vintage electronics. We saw this one and we really
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liked it. It went with the vibe of the
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what the heck, basement? And he, I don't know, it was
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like, we don't need to get into prices.
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But the point is we tried to negotiate down and the man
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straight up laughed in our faces and was basically like, oh, look
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at you trying to play New Yorker.
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It's like, Sir, I've lived here for over a decade, but I am
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ultimately A pushover. That's my problem.
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If I could fight, I would be unstoppable.
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I would be picking fights every day and I do sort of be saying
14:50
stuff on the street that I should not be saying for someone
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who can't back it up with muscles.
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And that is how I know I'll most likely get stabbed or shot on
15:00
the street because I I've reached a point in my New York
15:05
life where I will straight up bitch out people to their faces
15:10
when they're doing something insane, which is almost every
15:14
day in New York City. And I cannot back up what I'm
15:17
saying whatsoever. Like I am going to be a victim
15:20
because I can't keep my mouth shut on the street.
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We also have some beautiful vintage pieces over on the lamp,
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including Kitty cat clock that my dad did acquire.
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I think that thing on the bottom is technically a flask.
15:40
It has a cork. The top, it's like a ceramic.
15:46
It's a ceramic statuette, but the top of the lamppost comes
15:51
off and you can fill it with liquid and then it has little
15:55
cups hanging off of it. So that's fun.
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And then a couple items like this little mushroom scene with,
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I can't tell if it's really big mushrooms or really small
16:07
squirrel, but my grandpa whittled that apparently with
16:13
his own Whittle tools. And now his progeny is making a
16:19
podcast. So that's kind of, that's kind
16:23
of how my bloodline has deteriorated.
16:27
Do you ever think about, I think about, 'cause my last name is
16:31
Bellassai. Shocking.
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And I, amongst my like cousins, at least this branch of the
16:41
family, I, my brother and I are the last two.
16:44
Bella sighs. We're not, we're not passing
16:48
that name. It's not looking too hot in
16:52
terms of like us passing along that name.
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So this is my chance at creating a lasting legacy actually is
17:01
making this podcast. So it'll probably die.
17:08
But if you want to use Facebook marketplace, I'm not going to
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stop you. Just proceed at your own risk.
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And once I figure out how to use it myself, let's be clear, I'll
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be doing business on there. Don't don't you worry.
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It's only because I don't understand it.
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Moving on my next what the heck? Also appropriately, There's too
17:28
many people with microphones these days Too many people have
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microphones. Too many people have access to
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microphones. We need to relearn the subtle
17:38
art of shutting the fuck up Let's How about we teach keeping
17:42
your mouth shut in schools? I just there, I think there is
17:47
an epidemic of people who are suffering from something called,
17:53
I think people should hear what I have to say syndrome.
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We do not have to be hearing what you have to say.
17:59
I there's too much encouragement of people sharing their thoughts
18:04
and ideas and I think we need to be shutting that down.
18:09
And I know it's ironic that I'm saying this on a brand new
18:12
podcast that I am putting out into the world, but I am, I'm
18:16
grandfathered in, OK? I've been in these podcast
18:18
streets. I've I've been around long
18:22
enough that I'm allowed to have an opinion.
18:25
What I don't know, maybe this is a question for producer Barry
18:30
because do you see a lot of Tik Toks that are like encouraging
18:35
you to be a creator? No.
18:37
OK, so maybe I'm being targeted because they know I'm they're
18:42
like, oh, look at this sexy young man.
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He should be a creator on Earth on our platform.
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I do get a lot I, I, maybe I'm targeted because I've, you know,
18:53
followers on Tiktok. But like, I see a lot of Tiktoks
18:57
and, and I guess on Instagram too, of like videos encouraging
19:03
people like to become a creator and like, here are the tools to
19:08
like gain more followers and all of these things.
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It's basically a pyramid scheme that these people are involved
19:16
in because all those people who gained followers were gained
19:20
followers by telling other people how to gain followers.
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It's it's a pyramid scheme. OK, All of these tick tokers are
19:27
Bernie Madoffing. Stop encouraging people to to
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share their thoughts and ideas. I know everything is but we're
19:37
supposed to be motivational oh, you can do it, you can you we
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care about what you think I don't I don't care about what
19:44
you think I don't want to know your thoughts and ideas There's
19:49
like the past. I don't know, 7 mayors of New
19:53
York City have been like, oh, we're going to take on the rats.
19:58
How about we take on the epidemic of.
20:01
Teenagers with microphones on the streets of Washington Square
20:05
Park. You can't walk around.
20:07
You can't throw a stick in Washington Square Park without
20:10
hitting someone with a microphone trying to become
20:12
TikTok famous. We have enough shows on the
20:17
Internet of people getting interviewed on the street with a
20:20
microphone. If you or anyone you know, this
20:23
is going to be one of those ads that they put on the subway or
20:27
on in between, like Judge Judy. If you or anyone you know is
20:31
thinking about getting a microphone and taking to the
20:33
streets of New York City or any other major metropolis, put it
20:36
down. You should be able to buy a
20:38
single bullet gun on the Internet to shoot anybody.
20:44
No, no, you should be able to buy rope on the Internet that
20:49
you can use to tie up a single person who is thinking about
20:51
becoming a man on the street. Interviewer.
20:54
We have enough of them. We don't need another show about
20:58
asking someone's opinion on the street, asking someone's opinion
21:02
on on the subway. Enough, enough.
21:05
There's enough people with microphones.
21:07
We need to put a complete end to people even being able to buy
21:10
microphones. I've owned this microphone for
21:12
long enough. There's, there's, we've just had
21:17
enough. The government needs to
21:18
intervene. I miss this.
21:21
The the beautiful art of being seen and not heard.
21:26
I think that is that is a virtue that we need to be introducing
21:30
to more people. I do hate how so much of the
21:33
Internet now is like trying to push everybody to become an
21:40
influencer. Like not everybody has to be an
21:43
influencer. I'm not saying that in any type
21:46
of like trying to gatekeep way. I mean that in like a, there's
21:53
2. The Internet used to just be
21:55
like you post stuff for your friends and that's like fun.
21:57
And now it's like, no, everybody has to be posting for like an
22:01
audience of millions or else you're useless.
22:04
And it's like, no, some people are just should be watchers and
22:07
viewers. Some people wouldn't need to be
22:10
putting down the microphone. And I'm not not saying that this
22:12
necessarily applies to you if you're listening, probably does,
22:16
but I'm not saying it does. I just mean like, especially if
22:21
you're a straight white man, put down the microphone.
22:24
Thank God that I'm gay. Anyway, moving on.
22:27
This is something that's very near and dear to my heart.
22:32
What is happening with tiramisu culture is something that makes
22:37
me sick to my stomach. OK, saw someone saying that
22:40
they're worried that tiramisu is going the way of bacon and hot
22:46
dogs, which is that they're becoming these sort of like
22:50
millennial cringe. Like, isn't it so funny that we
22:55
love this thing? It's what happened to Bacon.
22:58
May she rest in peace. We're not allowed to like bacon
23:01
anymore. Hot dogs recently just came and
23:05
went. We're not allowed to like hot
23:06
dogs anymore. And now they're coming for
23:10
tiramisu. First they came for bacon, I
23:13
said nothing. Then they came for hot dogs, I
23:16
said nothing, 'cause I'm not hot dog.
23:19
Then they came for tiramisu and there was no one left to defend
23:22
her. I feel like I'm a guardian of
23:25
tiramisu culture. I it makes me sick that people,
23:31
because they are bastardizing Tiramisu, they're doing unholy
23:35
things to Tiramisu's name. You cannot just slap mascarpone
23:40
on anything you want and call it Tiramisu.
23:43
That's not what Tiramisu is. First of all, do you know what
23:46
Tiramisu even means? I bet you don't.
23:48
Dumb fuck. It means little.
23:51
Pick me up. I think, yeah, that's cute.
23:55
Which could apply to a lot of things.
23:57
No, A tiramisu is a very specific set of ingredients in a
24:02
very specific order and combination.
24:05
OK, It's not just mascarpone. Do you know what else is in
24:08
there? Ladyfinger Espresso Sabayon
24:14
Sauce. It's a custard sauce that you
24:16
combine with mascarpone in order to create the beautiful flavor
24:20
of tiramisu. It is a custard sauce flavored
24:23
with sweet wine. But you don't know any of this
24:26
because you're just slapping mascarpone into a fucking latte
24:29
and calling it a tiramisu latte. I'll kill you with the knife.
24:33
It's making me sick what people are doing with tiramisu.
24:36
You cannot just put anything on a lady finger and call it a
24:39
rhubarb tiramisu. And they're doing stuff with
24:42
tiramisu. They're there's this one
24:44
restaurant that went viral because they had a tiramisu
24:47
drawer that they would pull out and scoop the tiramisu.
24:50
OK, I guess that's cute. I'm I'm worried about how often
24:54
that drawer gets cleaned. And then there's that place
24:59
somewhere in Italy where they just made the world's longest
25:03
tiramisu. Shut up.
25:06
What are you talking about? But how is the the Guinness Book
25:11
of World Records is a joke. They're handing out of the oh,
25:16
the world record for world's longest tiramisu, which by the
25:20
way, was hold by it was previously held by someone whose
25:23
name was like Milano Giuseppe. Look at I'm not even joking.
25:28
I think that was like literally his name.
25:31
I'm I'm going to look it up. World's longest Tiramisu record.
25:37
Oh, I hit my step goal for the day.
25:39
I made the brave choice of every day in 2026, trying to walk.
25:44
You guessed it, 5000 stops and I hit it today.
25:51
Yeah, the previous world record. And we put world's longest
25:58
tiramisu record broken in London.
26:01
A real reverse on there, on Italy getting back out.
26:08
No way. It's the other way around.
26:10
England really got back in Italy for World War 2 with the world's
26:15
longest tiramisu. They said, I see what did they
26:20
call the bombing of London? They said, I see what you did
26:23
with, oh, with bombing all of our beautiful buildings.
26:27
How about we take the world record for longest tiramisu?
26:31
I'm not paying for this to look at a website for world's longest
26:35
tiramisu. I respect the BBC and the
26:37
journalism that they do. I'm not going to pay for an
26:39
article about the world's longest Tiramisu.
26:44
Fuck, it won't even let me. I guess I'll never know.
26:47
I don't know, it took something like 100 chefs.
26:53
Italian chefs too. What the fuck?
26:55
Did they do it in London? This is disrespectful.
26:59
I don't even know if tiramisu is one of those.
27:01
Maybe it's one of those things that is like actually not even
27:04
really Italian. There's a lot of a lot of stuff
27:07
that Italians that we claim is Italian, but it's not actually
27:13
Italian. Anyway, it took 2 tons of
27:15
bhaskarpone and 19,000 eggs and over 100 Italian chefs to put
27:21
together the world's longest tiramisu.
27:24
A meaningless record. And for what?
27:29
For what? To say that you made the world's
27:30
longest tiramisu? What does that mean?
27:32
It would like, what are the dimensions even?
27:35
I'm sure I could look into it more.
27:37
I won't. But yeah, like, what is it?
27:40
A single lady finger counts as like the width of a of a
27:44
tiramisu. This.
27:46
Is a Fact Check. Tiramisu did originate in
27:49
northeastern Italy, but from the late night wait.
27:55
Modern versions were popularized in restaurants from the late
27:58
1960s. Yeah, OK, so I guess tiramisu is
28:04
relatively modern and it is in fact Italian.
28:07
But you do see, I've seen videos of like Italian Americans going
28:12
to Italy and being like, yeah, I'll have the eggplant Parmesan
28:16
and they're like, get the fuck out of here.
28:18
This is not go back to New Jersey.
28:22
OK? There's there's nothing here for
28:23
you. Moving on.
28:26
My next What the heck? Straight guys with fat asses in
28:31
short shorts. What the heck are we doing?
28:36
It is officially Straight guys with fat asses in short shorts
28:39
season here in New York City. Just like allergy season.
28:45
I need a pill to get through it. It makes me sick to my stomach
28:51
the amount of pound for pound ass that some straight men are
28:54
walking around with when you know damn well they don't know
28:58
what to do with it and they don't have anybody in their life
29:02
that knows what to do with it. A straight man with a fat ass is
29:06
like when they give babies a smash cake for their birthday.
29:10
Do you know what I'm talking about?
29:12
A smash cake. It's when they would give like,
29:14
oh, oh, baby turns 1 year old and rather than like giving the
29:18
baby a full cake that then everybody else is going to
29:21
enjoy, they make a tiny little cake for the baby that gets they
29:24
get to smash it and it's like that fucking baby doesn't know
29:27
what it's doing with that cake. You're making a mess.
29:29
You look like a fool and that's how I feel with straight guys
29:33
with fat asses. It's like you don't know what
29:36
you're doing with that. Your girlfriend certainly
29:38
doesn't. She's making a fool of herself
29:40
just like that baby. And it's one year old cake and
29:45
fuck you both actually for what you're doing to me.
29:49
I have realized recently that I am unfortunately the type of
29:52
person that will fall off a bicycle by because I got
29:55
distracted by a man on the street.
29:58
It's upsetting. It's upsetting that I am that
30:00
type of person every day that I have manly urges.
30:04
I'm like, God damn it, that Catholic, the Catholic school
30:09
did not take it out of me enough.
30:11
I'm just like, yeah, it makes me upset that I'm a I'm a man who
30:15
has the thoughts of a man sometimes about my carnal urge
30:22
for a fat ass. It's upsetting.
30:26
And yeah, sometimes I'll, I'll sort of be oogling someone from
30:30
my bicycle seat and next thing you know, I'm swerving into
30:33
traffic all because a straight guy decided to have a fat ass on
30:39
the street. They that should not be legally,
30:42
that should not be allowed. Zoran, you're listening.
30:46
How about we work on that? It's also like, get off the
30:49
Stairmaster. If you're a straight man, get
30:52
off the Stairmaster. Unless you are taking Dick.
30:58
Let's give that. Give that Stairmaster up to
31:01
someone who needs it. If you like vagina, you should
31:05
not be on the Stairmaster. I'm so sorry to be the one to
31:08
tell you this. You are taking up space that
31:09
belongs to someone else. This is this is appropriation of
31:15
my culture. And I fear, I mean, I don't know
31:17
how many straight men were watching heated rivalry, but I
31:20
do fear what that has done for the aspiring fat ass community.
31:27
It wasn't for you, I'll tell you that much.
31:30
I I also think just like culturally speaking, we're
31:32
getting too comfortable sledding out straight men in short
31:36
shorts. I know just that.
31:37
What was it the cover of Vanity Fair that recently is that that
31:41
one tennis guy, Carlos Carlos something they were slotting him
31:46
out in his tiny short shorts. I do think tennis has has done
31:50
kind of irreversible damage to the straight guy having fat ass
31:54
community because it's encouraging men to get out
32:00
there. I'm so fucking sick of tennis.
32:03
I like I put up with it while challengers came out and then
32:10
all these gay guys started playing tennis, including their
32:13
tennis stats in their dating profiles.
32:16
So I'm looking for a tennis partner.
32:18
Go go back to Ohio if that's what you want to be doing.
32:22
This is New York City. This is not for playing tennis.
32:25
Who the fuck do you think you're I guess this is where like all
32:29
of the what do they call the tennis championship?
32:33
Wimbledon. Yeah, Wimbledon.
32:34
That without what a country name that is for a like a
32:38
performance. What is the?
32:41
U.S. Open.
32:42
The US Open, all of those, it's like, oh, the Royals, good.
32:46
It's a very like posh sort of sport.
32:49
I'm into that. But I do think they're they're
32:52
sledding out those guys in their little shorts and it's upsetting
32:56
me. I'm also like Harry Styles is on
33:01
thin ice and I he's I'm giving him a pass because I'm in love
33:07
with him but he's encouraging people to get out there in short
33:13
shorts. I need a disclaimer.
33:16
I need to see you holding up a Polaroid of the last Dick that
33:19
you sucked before. You're allowed to wear short
33:21
shorts in public and have a fat ass.
33:24
I will say they are sledding out men in tik toks on the Internet
33:30
a little bit too much for my taste.
33:33
And maybe it's because I'm being specifically targeted and I'm
33:36
telling on myself right now, but I've been getting a little too
33:39
much thirst trappy content that is designed in a laboratory to
33:45
get me to get on my hands and knees in the two biggest
33:49
offenders that I'm seeing lately.
33:51
One, the Spanish rugby team. You know exactly what you're
33:56
doing. Whoever is running that account
33:58
it I'm going to be charging them with war crimes because they are
34:03
sledding that team out like a group of filthy whores.
34:10
They are. They're getting them.
34:12
We'll, I'll put, we'll drop some clips into the feed of what
34:15
they're doing for the visual listener and maybe even for the,
34:20
for the audio listener. You'll get a little jiggling.
34:23
Who, who else has been sledding out medieval times?
34:26
Medieval times is now in on the joke and they're sledding out
34:29
their nights saying, oh, look at this meat that we got, that we
34:32
get taught how to ride a horse. And I think they're getting a
34:37
little too comfortable sledding out the nights.
34:40
And the other one is also another thing that happened
34:43
recently, which is I think it's the Naval Academy that does this
34:47
every year they have, I don't know if it's some type of
34:51
initiation ritual or some type of like, it is like part of the
34:58
Naval Academy culture is that every year they challenge all of
35:03
the freshmen like plebs. Is that what they call them,
35:06
plebs? They literally oil up this
35:11
obelisk 'cause it's like on the Naval Academy campus.
35:15
And then all of the freshmen men, they put them on tiny
35:19
shorts and then they challenge them to climb the obelisk.
35:22
They have to get to the top of the obelisk.
35:24
One of the sluttiest things that I've ever heard.
35:26
They're basically training them to be homosexual at the Naval
35:29
Academy. What is Pete Hegseth doing about
35:31
that 'cause I'm I'm looking at that obelisk lotioned up, I'll
35:36
tell you that much. And this is just like, oh, this,
35:42
it's just the boys being the boys at the Naval Academy.
35:44
Meanwhile, I'm rock hard. I'm just like, I don't know,
35:48
it's it's slutty season and people are people are going for
35:52
it next. This is just a real what the
35:55
heck that I was having this week.
35:57
What the heck is going on with my kitchen sponge?
36:03
OK, I read a tweet this week that fundamentally altered the
36:06
way that I looked at the world. Which was your kitchen sponge?
36:10
There was like, OK, first of all, if I read it on the
36:15
Internet, I believe it. It's kind of a character flaw of
36:18
mine. If I read something, I I should
36:21
specify. If I read something that I
36:24
believe to be true, I'm not second guessing it.
36:27
It is true. Now, if I don't think it's true,
36:30
then I'll ignore it, but if it sounds true, I'm internalizing
36:34
it. That is my new Bible, and
36:36
unfortunately, my new Bible. This week was a tweet that said
36:40
that scientists did a study. Scientists did a study on the
36:46
kitchen sponge and found that the average person's kitchen
36:49
sponge was dirtier than their toilet seat.
36:53
Hands down, it was. The kitchen sponge was the
36:57
dirtiest item in every person's home, every house that they went
37:02
in. It was like your sponge is
37:04
literally disgusting and had more bacteria per square inch
37:08
than your toilet seat. And I was like go, go, go, go,
37:13
go, go, go, go. I started.
37:15
I had to hold myself and started shaking.
37:18
You're talking. You're looking at a real OCD
37:21
motherfucker like I used to. And I don't mean it in the
37:24
queue. Oh, you know, all my pencils
37:26
have to face the same way. I mean it.
37:27
Like, I used to wash my hands as a child to the point where they
37:30
were, like, bleeding in the sink, and my mom had to put,
37:34
like, lotion on my hands and put socks over them.
37:38
Why? I don't know why we chose socks
37:40
instead of gloves. I don't know why My mom was
37:42
like, OK, we're going to put the lotion on your hands, and then
37:44
we're going to put dirty socks all over.
37:47
They weren't dirty. They were clean.
37:48
But I was like, OK. But yeah, I was like, oh, OK.
37:52
So I've been washing off my dishes with like a literal
37:55
toilet scrub. That's my mind.
37:58
It was that specific analogy of like, your, your, the kitchen.
38:03
The average person's kitchen sponge is dirtier than their
38:06
toilet seat in terms of bacteria.
38:09
Now, yeah. Am I probably spreading
38:10
misinformation? Sure.
38:13
Is it a different kind of bacteria?
38:14
Probably. I have no idea.
38:17
But I read that and I was like fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
38:21
It did say that the biggest problem is that your kitchen
38:25
sponge typically doesn't dry out very well and it's like wetness
38:30
is like the number one enemy. And so a brush is typically
38:36
better, dries faster, it doesn't hold on to stuff.
38:40
I was like, that sounds right to me.
38:43
Didn't do any type of background research but went out that day
38:47
and bought a dish brush and I haven't used it and in fact
38:52
Barry when I was in the sink earlier and I was like don't use
38:57
the sponge. I was washing my hands.
39:01
I the sponge is still in the sink, I just haven't used it.
39:04
Nowhere near the sponge. Don't need a sponge to wash my
39:06
hands. Yeah, no, I'm now I'm like,
39:09
afraid of sponges. SpongeBob.
39:11
I can't look at SpongeBob the same way.
39:13
He's just a walking filthy toilet seat to me.
39:17
He might as well. He might as well be toilet
39:19
paper. Relatedly, this is one of the
39:23
most 35 year old things that I can say, but I have had it up to
39:27
here with paper towels from Trader Joe's.
39:31
I'm just about to lose my fucking mind over the paper
39:34
towels at Trader Joe's. Listen to me, I'm all for the
39:38
environment. Love it, spend all my time in it
39:41
mostly. I don't know what type of
39:47
recycled nonsense that they're doing with the paper towels at
39:51
Trader Joe's. And you know, they only got one
39:53
option because they're socialist.
39:58
I don't know where they're sourcing their paper towels at
40:00
Trader Joe's, but it is some of the most unstructured melt in
40:07
your hand paper towel that I've ever touched with my known
40:11
hands. When I tell you I was, you know,
40:15
I was at Trader Joe's, needed some paper towels.
40:17
Saw him. They got the oh, it's like got a
40:20
little cute cartoon on the front of it.
40:22
That's good. You know, Oh, there's Pioneer
40:25
Joe or whatever they call him. There's got these cute little
40:27
names. Put it in there.
40:30
It was a three pack got got back I my hands were wet reach for a
40:37
paper towel. If you ever seen that video of
40:39
the raccoon who puts the cotton candy into the water by
40:42
accident, it literally turns into nothing in front of him.
40:46
That is the paper towel situation at Trader Joe's.
40:50
And now I'm like great I have 3 rolls that I have to work
40:52
through every time I need to dry my hands.
40:54
I'm pissed off because I now I have a bunch of disintegrating
40:58
pieces of nothing that I have to clean up.
41:01
You know, when you're wiping and it, it's like a little, a little
41:05
pieces of paper towel sometime or toilet paper will like break
41:08
off and bunch up and then people get stuck in their butthole
41:12
hairs and it's disgusting. That's guaranteed to happen with
41:15
a Trader Joe's paper towel. It, it literally, I felt like I
41:18
was going insane for a full 2 weeks going through those rolls
41:21
of paper towel and the relief that I felt and this is not
41:25
sponsored. I won't even say the brand name.
41:28
When I when I bought a proper paper towel, it felt like I was
41:34
wiping my hands with a cashmere towel.
41:37
I, I'm like, there's integrity to this.
41:41
There's a real, there's a quilted pattern.
41:45
It feels beautiful. I'm, it's not breaking apart in
41:49
my hands. I'll even reuse it.
41:51
I could lay it out, let it dry off.
41:54
I'll come back to it. That's environmentally friendly
41:57
instead of Trader Joe's. I'm going out and I'm, I'm
41:59
burning a living tree just out of anger that the paper towels
42:03
at Trader Joe's are so shitty. And I know maybe I'll look into
42:07
it. Maybe I'll look into how it
42:09
works. But whenever paper towels or
42:11
paper products are like, oh, it's made from 100% recycled
42:14
papers. What is, what are we doing?
42:18
What does that mean? How?
42:19
How are you doing that? You took a bunch of used toilet
42:23
paper? You turned it into a brand new
42:25
toilet paper? I don't think so.
42:30
That doesn't sound right to me. Next, What the heck is happening
42:36
with Mormon soda? Do you know about Mormon soda?
42:39
I do know about Mormon soda. I don't even know if we have
42:42
enough time on episode 1 of this podcast to get into Mormons.
42:48
There has been a widespread normalization of Mormon culture
42:52
over the last couple of years that is genuinely concerning
42:57
'cause it's like I have my thoughts about the Mormon
43:00
church. We'll save my thoughts on the
43:04
Church of Latter Day Saints for another episode.
43:06
All I will say is that thanks to I believe the What is it?
43:15
The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.
43:19
They the world was introduced to a concept known as dirty soda.
43:24
And there are these dirty soda shops in Utah that is
43:32
essentially soda that you're then adding sugar syrup to and
43:37
flavoring. It's already soda, mind you.
43:42
And then they're adding more syrup and flavourings and
43:46
colours and add insurance to their soda.
43:49
And it's because Mormon people do not drink alcohol that they
43:54
have to find. And they're, I don't know,
43:55
bouncing on beds, doing soaking and all of that stuff that I
44:00
learned about and wish I hadn't. And so they need some excitement
44:05
in their life. And they decided, hey, why don't
44:07
we, why don't we pump some sugar into soda?
44:12
And now I think it's Taco Bell. Is, is, is introducing like
44:17
dirty sodas, a line of dirty sodas possibly connected to the
44:21
Mormon wives of Mormon lives or whatever it's fucking called.
44:25
We cannot allow this. They're coming for our culture.
44:29
We need to stop this right now. They're trying to take us.
44:33
They're trying to, they're trying to take our sodas from
44:35
us. That's my dog.
44:38
They're coming for our soda. I don't even like soda like
44:41
that, but I am like, that's enough.
44:44
The same with, and I say this with the utmost respect for
44:48
their hot gay founder, but crumble cookies.
44:54
It once you realize that crumble cookies was founded by a Mormon
44:58
basically for Mormons, it's like, oh, that's why they're
45:01
disgusting. That's why they basically are a
45:07
pound of sugar. And listen, you're, you're
45:10
looking at a real pre diabetic. OK, I'll put down some sugar.
45:15
You know you, you know I can eat some sugary stuff.
45:20
I I don't have many vices. That's not true.
45:24
I have several, but sugar is pretty high up there.
45:28
Like I'm not a big potato chip guy.
45:30
I don't love, you know, I don't know.
45:32
I'm not not going for a savoury snack as much as like I can
45:35
house a a entire cake by myself. I I have and will again ordered
45:44
a single piece of chocolate cake to be delivered to my apartment
45:48
that ended up costing like $20.00 because of delivery.
45:53
Were drugs involved? Yeah, but what crumble cookies
45:59
is doing to the cookie is like diabolical.
46:02
It's like barely a cookie anymore.
46:04
They basically shot it with some type of sugar cannon.
46:08
And it's because, like, that's all that Mormon people have in
46:11
their lives. All they have is like joining
46:16
swinger clubs in order to be on the single knives of Corman
46:22
wives. Or it's, it's drinking soda with
46:26
extra sugar added and, and eating sugary cookies.
46:30
And I'm sick of it. And then I'll go, then we'll add
46:35
that sound effect. OK, I only got a couple more.
46:39
What the heck is happening with those long haired Guinea pigs
46:43
that people give blowouts to on the Internet?
46:46
What are we doing? I if I see one more fucking
46:50
Guinea pig on my for you page that's got these beautiful
46:54
luscious locks, one of the whitest things that a person can
46:58
do. Oh, I have to go home and
47:00
condition my Guinea pig. I wanted a Guinea pig so bad
47:07
when I was a kid, and my mom had like every pet imaginable when
47:11
she was a child and of course discovered that she was allergic
47:16
to like all of them. We did have a turtle though.
47:19
Corn Pop. Corn Pop.
47:23
What is that sound? Do you hear it?
47:25
Yeah, it's the chair. Hate it.
47:28
Yeah, it's the ghost of whatever woman lived in this chair before
47:31
me. She's crying for help.
47:34
Maybe she was What if this chair was owned by a homophobic woman
47:39
and now her spirit lives in this chair and she is screaming
47:43
because my gay ass dripping with semen.
47:49
I know I made it gross. You would just say my gay ass is
47:52
sat in it. And she hates it because my gay
47:55
ass is creaming all over it. Why you got to make your ass
47:59
cream just say sat in it. Anyway, sorry lady, sorry for my
48:08
gay big gay ass all over your homophobic chair.
48:13
No, this is a a beautiful green. I don't think a homophobic
48:17
person could have owned this, although your husband picked it
48:20
up. So I don't know if he
48:23
encountered A homophobic person, Although relatedly, because your
48:29
husband is from Boston, one of my what the heck's this week is
48:33
that they announced that the newest season of love is blind
48:36
will will be in Boston. And I'm like, people are going
48:39
to die. People will be killed over the
48:43
the newest season of love is blind.
48:45
If you don't know Love is Blind, every season they film, they
48:49
pick like a different city to film in What actually I think
48:53
they don't get enough credit for because a lot of dating shows
48:56
are just like, yeah, I come from wherever and it's like, OK, how
48:59
are you supposed to fall in love with someone when you like one
49:02
of you lives in Albuquerque and the other one lives in Tahiti?
49:07
Is that a place? Sure.
49:10
As I said it, I was like, is that the sauce or the the place?
49:17
I do have a college education, but it's, it's basically
49:22
expired. There is, there's got to be an
49:24
expiration date on my diploma. And I've, I've gone ahead and
49:28
hit it. But yeah, no, I am worried that.
49:32
So they announced that this, the latest season of Love is Blind
49:35
is going to be in Boston. And like, God help, God help not
49:41
only the people of Boston, but like the rest of us prefer what
49:45
we're about to be subjected to dark sided stuff.
49:50
Boston, ironically, is like a very progressive.
49:55
I mean, Massachusetts is like a very progressive place, but
49:58
somehow Boston is like the straightest, whitest place to
50:01
ever exist. Like somehow just like a the
50:04
perfect straight white enclave. And listen, love Boston.
50:13
I've been several times. I'll be back.
50:15
I'm sure I performed at the Wilbur a number of times.
50:18
Love it there. One of my favorite venues.
50:20
Come back if I if I'm there, you all scare the shit out of me.
50:24
And I don't know if you should be allowed to be on television.
50:27
I I think you're always causing some type of mayhem and some
50:33
type of Mayhack. That is what happened with that
50:37
tea party. And we we haven't they haven't
50:41
stopped talking about it ever since We've I've had enough with
50:44
the people of Boston. And finally my last what the
50:49
heck? Who knows?
50:51
They they may be dead by the time that this episode comes
50:54
out, but at the time of recording, Instagram has rolled
50:58
out a new feature called instance.
51:01
I don't want to see shit. There's enough.
51:05
We have enough features. We don't need to be adding on
51:08
new features, have you? No, I have.
51:11
No idea what you're talking. About You haven't even been on
51:13
Instagram the last 48 hours. I have.
51:17
I I feel like it was kind of like the morning of 911 and that
51:23
it was like a beautiful day, beautiful crisp day, cloudless.
51:28
Everybody is doesn't suspect anything.
51:31
Suddenly I get a notification on my phone.
51:33
Kevin and 11 other people have posted an instant, huh, What's
51:38
that? I click on it, it takes me to a
51:40
page on Instagram I've never seen before and it starts
51:44
showing me images that my eyeballs are being subjected to
51:48
against their will. And it is basically a feature.
51:51
It's there was an app of, of a couple of years ago that sort of
51:55
did this thing where it's like at a particular, at a random
52:00
time of the day, you'll take a picture and it like takes a
52:04
front facing and a back facing picture and you share it with
52:06
your friends. And it's like just a way to
52:08
document everybody, you know, like a, a moment in time, like
52:13
a, a fucking picture, which is what Instagram does always.
52:17
And so now they've added this feature called an instant where
52:19
you just like take a picture of what you're doing at the moment.
52:23
We just can't, we keep doing the same.
52:24
That's what Instagram post used to be.
52:27
And then it's like once everybody got too precious about
52:29
what the post was, Now we'll, we'll introduce stories and you
52:33
can post your story and that'll, that'll be sort of like the
52:36
everyday thing. And now that everybody's gotten
52:37
too precious about what stories are, we have to introduce
52:39
something else. Now we have enough things.
52:43
We don't need to be adding more things.
52:45
I'm trying to do be doing less things.
52:49
And now you're adding more things for me to be thinking
52:51
about and looking at and doing. There's only so many hours in
52:55
the day. I only have so many images that
52:56
I can look at. The average peasant in the 1500s
53:00
did not have to look at this many images.
53:02
He saw maybe 1-2 images in his lifetime.
53:05
And every day I'm subjected to more and more images.
53:08
And now I'm just waiting for the first person who is going to
53:11
accidentally post their Dick on an instant and which politician
53:16
that will be. Who was Elliott Page?
53:19
That's the wrong person. Who is Elliott Spritzer?
53:27
There were two or no? I'm thinking of Anthony Weiner.
53:31
Anthony Weiner sent his Dick to a couple people via Twitter,
53:34
DMSI believe anyway, I've talked enough.
53:39
I just, I don't, we have too many things.
53:41
Stop, stop adding features to these apps.
53:45
I, I will give $1 trillion to the next app developer who makes
53:49
an app that just does nothing. I don't want want an app that
53:53
when I click on it, my phone explodes in my hand and takes
53:56
out everybody in a five mile radius.
53:59
That's not a good idea. I want an app, I'll pay for it
54:03
that when I press it my phone self destructs.
54:07
That would be beautiful though. What what freedom I would feel
54:10
if my phone just exploded so all I want but now I'm shackled to
54:16
it anyway. I want to end every episode with
54:20
the opposite of my what the heck?
54:22
Which is whatever the thing I'm I'm feeling good about this week
54:25
or something that made me something that made me happy.
54:30
What the hey, if you will, and several what the heck?
54:34
And my what the hey this week. I think it's going to be this
54:37
other tweet that I saw that actually made me feel really
54:40
good. Let me pull it up so rarely.
54:42
I mean, Can you imagine a sentence in the year 2026?
54:46
I saw a tweet that made me feel good.
54:48
No, it doesn't exist. What Elon Musk has done to that
54:52
website is created one of the one of the most despicable
54:57
cesspools of humanity. Worse than a kitchen sponge.
55:01
When I tell you I'm still in the trenches of Twitter, mostly as a
55:05
lurker. But for the most part, that
55:09
website now is just designed to make you angry.
55:12
It literally will surface any possible discourse that you can
55:19
get yourself upset by. It'll show it to you first thing
55:22
in the morning. OK, so there was this tweet from
55:24
someone who said this drunk white girl tapped me on the
55:28
shoulder at this concert last night, a Pink Panthers concert.
55:32
I don't really know what that is.
55:34
I'm like, I know who it is, but I don't.
55:37
My name is Pink, and it's nice to meet you, blah, blah.
55:40
Yeah, anyway, this drunk white girl tapped me on my shoulder at
55:44
the concert last night and asked if she was my second most
55:47
listened to artist last year. And I said no, what's your
55:49
reason for asking? And she said because she was
55:52
mine and I can't see. Which is like, wild thing to say
55:57
to someone when it's not your first listen to artist.
55:59
They would like openly be like, well, she was my second most
56:03
listened to artist. OK, well try for #1 and then
56:06
I'll care. The the girl's point obviously
56:10
was like, I love this person. I'm at a concert, I'm behind
56:13
you. I can't see this person.
56:15
That's not the tweet that got me excited.
56:17
The one that got me excited was a response to that, which was
56:20
short people get comfortable airplane rides, tall people get
56:24
comfortable concert views. That's life, baby Bam.
56:29
I've never there are so few tweets that I've seen in my life
56:33
that I can count on that have made me feel the way that that
56:37
tweet made me feel. When I tell you it changed my
56:41
outlook on life because I'm like, that is every concert that
56:46
I'm ever at. And yeah, I mostly go to
56:48
concerts that like 13 year old girls are AT, but every concert
56:55
that I've ever been at, I feel a like a like deep shame and guilt
57:00
over the fact that I'm 63 and like, I'm blocking people's
57:04
views. And I know when I go to a
57:07
Broadway show, I feel bad because I know I'm going to sit
57:10
in front of someone and I like, will actually shrink myself.
57:13
I'll make myself smaller in the seat, make myself uncomfortable
57:19
so that the person behind me can try to see because I'm a good,
57:22
decent person. And I'm like, I the number of
57:26
flights that I've been on where the person in front of me will
57:30
recline their seat and jam it into my knees and I have to
57:34
endure that. That is my punishment for being
57:38
tall. But my reward is that I get to
57:41
see over everybody's head at a concert.
57:43
And I shouldn't have to care about who's sitting behind me.
57:47
So it really was just, it made my week, that tweet.
57:51
I'll think about it every time I'm at a show or a concert from
57:54
now on. It really just made me happy.
57:58
And our executive producer, Truffles made it into the room.
58:03
Truff, come here. Here's executive producer
58:07
Truffles, come here. Come.
58:10
Oh, OK. She hates me.
58:13
I have to. I have to be passive aggressive
58:15
in order for her to go out. Yeah.
58:19
Guess who's on Week 2 of Prozac? Because of the various mental
58:26
illnesses that I gave her me in consultation with her medical
58:30
professionals have decided that she would benefit from a low
58:34
dosage of antidepressant anti anxiety medication.
58:38
She's getting mommy's little helper.
58:44
Anyway, that is it for what the heck.
58:47
Thank you for listening to our very first episode.
58:50
Make sure you subscribe wherever you're listening to this or
58:54
watching it. Listen to it again on another
59:00
platform. So it counts there too.
59:03
We're just getting started. I'm so excited to be back on the
59:06
microphone. I did miss being on a podcast
59:09
for the past couple of years and, you know, genuinely excited
59:14
to be back. Excited to be talking into a mic
59:16
every week and spewing my thoughts.
59:20
But yeah, like, subscribe, share.
59:23
Can't wait to post more. Bye.
59:28
This has been an episode of What the Heck with Matt Bellassai.
59:31
You can call and leave us a voicemail about what's making
59:33
you say what the heck this week and you might be featured on a
59:36
future episode. Call us at 407-984-6288.
59:40
That's four O 7. WTH Matt.
59:42
What the Heck with Matt? Bellassai is produced by Same
59:45
Boat Studios and Bellassai Productions.
59:47
It's hosted by me, Matt Bellassai.
59:49
Our executive producers are Gabriel Lewis, Barry Finkel and
59:52
me, Matt Bellisai. Erica Glass is our senior
59:54
producer. Our video editors are Matt
59:56
Bellisai and Erica Glass. Production designed by Erica
59:59
Glass, Matt Bellisai and Barry Finkel.
1:00:00
Our theme music is courtesy of epidemicsound.com.
1:00:03
Special thanks to Truffles Bellisai.