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S3E25 - "That's Mine!" Understanding Possessive Behavior in Kids · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  I'm answering a question from Melissa.
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  And this is about possessive children.
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  And certainly a common concern,
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  common question.
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  So Melissa,
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  thank you for the email.
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  I'll read parts of it and then we'll tackle together.
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  I'm wondering if you can talk about kids
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  who are possessive of their things or people,
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  like children that say that's mine
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  and get upset when they're told otherwise.
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  I know it has to do with power and control
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  and giving them back some control,
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  but I would love more insight also with kids
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  that have difficulty sharing.
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  All right,
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  so I think you kind of already have some insight,
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  Melissa,
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  because you acknowledge this power and control.
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  So let's start there.
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  Keep in mind y'all,
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  kids only have control over
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  5 things in their lives.
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  And so when we understand
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  that
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  they have such a limited
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  and finite
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  number of options that are available to them,
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  so that they actually feel like there's a little bit of power.
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  They're going to grasp it anywhere and anytime they can.
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  And so a very simple,
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  easy thing to do is,
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  no,
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  you can't have that.
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  It's control.
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  No,
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  I want that.
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  It's power.
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  No,
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  that's mine.
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  Power and control.
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  Now,
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  I feel I also should add in,
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  in addition to power and control,
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  it's also very developmentally appropriate.
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  We have to be really careful to not pathologize
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  age-appropriate behavior.
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  Often parents will complain or present issues
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  that are so
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  normal
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  and age and developmentally appropriate
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  that
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  they're,
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  my phrase is they're ramming a shin up against
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  the bucket that doesn't need to be there.
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  So
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  we don't need to trouble ourselves
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  over age appropriate behavior because with maturity and development.
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  We know that that will naturally sort itself out.
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  So,
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  to a degree,
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  this is age appropriate,
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  especially in toddler
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  years.
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  Now,
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  it can also be power and control,
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  often it's both.
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  So recognizing it for what it is gives us
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  the ability to respond differently.
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  So when a child says,
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  no,
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  that's mine.
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  Instead of getting frustrated by that,
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  instead of thinking it's stingy,
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  instead of feeling like
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  the child has no capacity for empathy.
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  We're going to say,
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  OK,
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  well,
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  this is making the child feel powerless,
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  so how can I address the need for power?
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  The simplest answer is obviously going to be choice giving.
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  So let me run a scenario.
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  Let's say
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  child is playing with
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  a truck,
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  puts it down,
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  and a peer comes over and picks up the truck,
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  and the child immediately sees it
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  and goes,
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  no,
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  that's mine.
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  OK,
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  that's developmentally appropriate.
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  They don't know that
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  another kid can play with it and they're going to get it back.
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  They think it's getting taken away from them.
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  So one of the things that we need to do is recognize that
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  the child's not wrong for feeling that way.
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  But sometimes we might want to give a choice
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  to empower the child and return a little bit of control.
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  So,
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  oh,
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  you'd really like to have that for yourself,
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  but so and so can play with it too.
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  You can choose to have him play with it for 2 minutes or
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  you can choose to have him play with it for 3 minutes.
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  Which do you choose?
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  Now all of a sudden.
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  The child has a measure of control,
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  they'll likely say 2 minutes.
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  And they'll they'll say the bigger number
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  if it's something that they want.
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  They'll say the smaller number if it's something they don't want.
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  That's a general rule of thumb for you.
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  If you're giving the choice of,
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  you can choose one cookie or you can choose two cookies,
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  the answer will almost always be 2.
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  If it's someone else can play with a toy for 1 minute or 2 minutes,
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  it will likely be 1.
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  So,
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  just know that's also age-appropriate behavior.
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  And so,
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  child's likely going to say 2 minutes if it's 2 or 3.
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  And then you say,
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  oh,
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  you've chosen for him to play with it for 2 minutes.
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  Now,
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  the beautiful thing about kids is most of the time the other
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  child won't even want to play with it for 2 minutes.
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  And or the child that was given the choice
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  won't even remember that the child is playing with it 2 minutes later.
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  So they're so here and now,
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  and they're so
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  emotionally consumed
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  with what's happening in that very moment.
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  Many things just kind of get forgotten about and pushed off
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  to the side when it's no longer in that exact moment.
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  So often we don't even really need to do anything beyond just give the choice.
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  But obviously if the child is like,
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  OK,
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  when do I get the truck back,
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  then,
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  OK,
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  the 2 minutes is up now.
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  It's Joey's turn to have the truck.
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  And what this does is not only it returns some control
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  to the child that really wants to play with the truck.
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  But it also teaches sharing,
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  it teaches empathy.
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  It teaches other orientation.
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  It's giving
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  kids the chance to experience
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  turn taking,
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  to experience sharing,
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  to experience waiting,
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  that
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  lack of instant gratification.
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  And
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  A limit which would only be needed in extreme circumstances,
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  you know,
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  like if he just starts having a meltdown
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  because he really wants the truck.
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  OK,
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  huge power grab,
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  so we know that the ante has been raised.
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  And in that scenario,
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  we might move to a limit.
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  Joey,
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  you really want the truck,
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  but your toys are for sharing.
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  You can choose to let him play with it for 2 minutes or
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  you can choose to let him play with it for 3 minutes.
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  You're going to go through that 3 times.
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  If he is losing his mind.
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  If you choose not to share,
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  you choose not to have your toys.
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  For the rest of playtime.
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  If you choose to share,
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  you choose to keep your toys for playtime,
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  which do you choose?
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  And what we're trying to instill
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  is
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  there's a currency involved,
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  and the child has to make the decision what's more important
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  is having
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  toys more important
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  or is having this particular truck in this moment more important?
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  And it will only take one or two times
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  that he chooses an outcome that was not favorable
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  before he will condition himself
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  that it's not worth it.
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  I'll just let my friend play with it for 2 minutes
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  because otherwise I lose all my toys for the playtime,
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  and that's no fun.
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  So it's a conditioned process
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  where they are avoiding the consequence that they do not want.
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  And so
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  ultimate limit is only going to be worked in if it's an extreme scenario,
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  otherwise it's just going to be choices.
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  But we always lead,
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  don't forget,
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  this is important y'all,
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  we always lead with reflection of feeling.
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  If we skip that part and we jump straight to.
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  You can choose to let him have it for 2 minutes or
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  you can choose to let him have it for 3 minutes.
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  We've completely dismissed how the child feels.
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  He is not wrong
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  for being angered
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  that a kid wants to have his toy.
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  Possession of your things is a natural instinct.
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  So,
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  we're always trying to be careful to validate the child.
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  You really want to play with your truck.
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  You really don't want your friends to use your things.
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  You really like having your own toys for yourself.
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  He's not wrong for any of those notions,
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  but we need to set a behavior limit.
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  So,
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  but your toys are for sharing.
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  And that will really help
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  to have him
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  understand their alternatives.
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  As well as ways that he can
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  learn the process
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  of sharing with friends.
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  So,
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  Melissa,
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  thank you so much for the question.
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  I hope that is helpful for all of you,
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  especially with little ones,
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  you know,
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  4 and under.
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  Sharing is hard.
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  And so very common.
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  Glad we were able to talk about it.
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  I love y'all.
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  Have a great week.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
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  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.