Latest / From Sad Pick Me Girl to Alchemist / Episode 4 - Self Love? What the Hell Is Even That?
Transcript
- Denise: Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of From Sad Pick Me Girl to Alchemist. My name is Denise, and if you're new here, I talk about self-love, spirituality, and really finding your way back to yourself. So today, what I want to talk about is specifically self-love, because I think the concept of self-love can be a bit skewed, and for me, it took me a while to really define what that meant. And I will just start by saying my entire life I thought that I embodied self-love because I really prioritized movement. I was generally confident in the way that I looked. But deep down, I was always searching for validation from other people. And as I've shared, it was specifically around men. But even then, it's beyond that. And I think in this day and age, a lot of us can relate to that, especially with social media, where we're always looking for you know likes or follows or some sort of indication that people like us. And ultimately, if you need validation outside of yourself, then you are not embodying self-love because true self-love means. Believing in yourself, regardless of what the external is telling you, regardless of what people are telling you about you, regardless of anything outside of yourself. It's truly just knowing who you are at your core, loving who you are at your core, and trusting yourself. And I am still working, to be fully honest, on trusting myself because I notoriously have always asked for other people's opinions when it came to choices about my life and when it came to figuring out what next steps were for what I want to do in my career or what decisions I needed to make when it came to a particular relationship, you name it. I always looked for opinions of others. And I do think to some extent, of course opinions are helpful, but a lot of the times they dilute who we are. So I really want to emphasize the importance of sitting with yourself and learning who you are without the noise. And I know a lot of people say I am terrible at meditating, I can't meditate. I was that person and I'm still not great at meditating. And sometimes when I do meditate, ⁓ my mind goes off and I'm starting to think about like, I don't know, things that don't matter, like what I ate two days before and what I'm going to do Two hours from the time that I'm meditating. So it's not something that needs to be perfect. You just have to sit with yourself and quiet the noise, whether that's sitting in a closet, whether that's sitting outside by a tree or anything, just for a few minutes and really just not scrolling on your phone, not texting, not looking at YouTube videos, none of that. And just sit and see what thoughts come to mind. And if you're not into journaling, maybe voice note. If you're not into voice noting, don't do any of that. Just sit there. But you have to start somewhere because I Not this person that can meditate. I am not, I was the opposite of whatever a kumbaya I say, whatever your staple kumbaya person is that can meditate and just be quiet and zen was not me. And I'm still not fully that. I'm very much ADHD and like, ⁓ what do I gonna do next? Or let me have a plan and I'm I can be very rigid, but I'm unlearning that because those are qualities that I don't think have served me well, and that's not to say that I'm beating myself for them up beating myself up for them, but I am acknowledging. that sometimes they are detrimental to what I want to accomplish in this life. So on that hand too, if you identify things that you're not so pleased with yourself about, those are not things that you need to beat yourself up for. Those are just things to take note of so that you can do better. So when you really start to listen to yourself and drown out the noise, you will be directed to what is for your best and highest good and what are we all here for but to live our best lives we are not here to struggle people say life is hard life is hard because we are always going against the current and we're always doing what we're told to do because we think that that's what it takes to be successful in society. And that's ingrained in us, right? You follow the rules, you do what you need to do so that you can quote unquote be successful in this. And for me it was going to college, graduating college, getting married, having kids, getting the the staple job and I have all that and it has not brought me fulfillment. Which is why I'm here now preaching about finding yourself and finding wholeness within yourself, learning to listen to yourself. Because if you do not learn to do that, there is no way that you're gonna be happy. There is no job that will make you happy. There's no amount of money that will make you happy. There is no person that will make you happy if you do not love yourself. And that goes beyond what you look like. It goes beyond what you what you think people perceive you as. All of that. It's just what it is is truly just believing in yourself. completely, holy and knowing that despite what everyone else is saying, you need to trust yourself, first and foremost. And so if you have an idea or something like For example, say you're super excited about starting a project or a business and you know, like it gets it just brings out this like fire in you, and you're like ready to go. And then you start sharing it with people and they're like, ⁓ but have you thought about X, Y, and Z? And have you thought about, ⁓ but like that's really risky? Then you start to kind of back down and you're like, maybe they're right. Maybe like maybe you know, maybe they're what they're saying is true, and I really need to take a step back and think. And remember that everybody is just projecting their fears onto you. We're all the external is just a Projection of our own thoughts. So we're diluting what we want, and that's our soul. What our soul wants excites us and it fuels us. But when you start sharing that with people and they project their fears, then we kind of back down. And that is what what I've done my entire life as well. And I am going against the grain now, and I'm just gonna push through those fears because I know that on the other side of that is a fulfilling life that I have been so afraid to step into. And I am scared. I'm scared of letting go of security. I'm scared of not knowing what my day-to-day is gonna look like, not knowing that I have to beat an office at a certain time. But I also know that I don't want to. live my entire life knowing that I felt like I was drawn to something else but I was too afraid to reach for it. So I encourage you if there is something that excites you and it doesn't even have to be job related, right? It could be maybe a hobby or something and people are telling you it is risky or I can't think of a great example off the top of my head to be honest. But whatever it is that you're thinking about and it excites you and if you share it with other people and you start to dilute yourself and think ⁓ no and you start to doubt yourself, you're not listening to yourself because that excitement is coming from your higher self. And this leads me to another point that I wanted to make too is like when you start to embody who you came here to be, you will meet people who cheer you on and truly root for you, even if they don't fully understand what you're doing. And for me, this was ⁓ my spiritual journey, which started with spiritual counselors I've shared in previous episodes. I remember pulling an Oracle card over and over and over and it was music, music. And I was like, why do I keep pulling this Oracle card? Like I'm not like a huge music person, yet yes, obviously I enjoy music, but I wouldn't consider myself like a musician by any means. I don't know a lot about it and I have zero interest in creating music. So the card just She ⁓ my spiritual counselor was trying to figure out what it meant exactly and we couldn't hone in on what it was that the music card meant. And now I know it was because I was listening to music in my car, but what I needed to be doing was listening to podcasts. And no no, I this revelation came years later. But it was podcasts that helped me find the person who I'd go on a retreat with she was the podcast host as I also s shared and so I went on this retreat and I met people that I can say are my soul family completely. I there was soul recognition and if you don't know what that is, it's basically you have met these people in many lifetimes. You incarnated, you contracted for you for you all to meet. And of course you contracted for everyone to be, but this is I'm not describing it because I am not an expert in soul contracts, but essentially they are my family in this realm in many lifetimes and And we've all felt these connections, I'm sure, where you meet somebody and it just doesn't feel like you just met. It feels like you've known them forever. And that is what this is. That on a s level that I cannot describe. And with them now, I have had so much support that I am not as afraid to step into the things that I meant to do, just knowing that they're there and they're around. And it's insane to me because a lot of our stories and where we are in our development and stepping into our purpose is very similar. And so even though we don't always speak frequently, when we do, it's like, you know, it's like we never missed a beat. And it's just I want that for everybody. Find your soul family. And you find your soul family when you're listening to yourself. Because if I hadn't have started listening to the podcast, I wouldn't have met these people. And I'm not only just meeting them, but I'm putting myself out in situations because I want to learn about different healing modalities, which I will have somebody on next week to share something super exciting. I'm not going to disclose it, but that is the essentially what I want to do is bring those different healing modalities because of the way that I pulled myself out of my rent being so unconventional. I'm like, why doesn't everybody try this? Why doesn't anybody, everybody know that it doesn't have to be this textbook of how you heal? It's not like, okay, you go to therapy and then you try you know, do this medication and I'm not saying as I always say, I'm not saying those things don't work. There are alternative methods out there and there are so many that I'm I'm learning about that I had no idea. And the fact that I didn't know and I'm in the spiritual realm, I I can only imagine people that I haven't touched on that. Or even less aware. So again, it's bringing awareness. But essentially, this all the reason that I've even come as far as I have so far and I still have a ways to go is because I started listening to myself. Because I read this book called Untamed, and it was about listening to yourself. And I sat in my closet and I started meditating, and it meditation did not look pretty. And honestly, what catapulted the meditation was being in crappy relationships. And I was like, I cannot continue to be in these relationships. Consumed my life. Romantic relationships is what I'm talking about. And so I know that people struggle with love because they're putting love before anything else. Finding love becomes the priority. And I always hear, and I despise this term or this phrase, is like the dating pool sucks. And I only think it sucks because people are so fixated on finding somebody that they are focusing on when it doesn't work. But honestly, if everyone would just focus on themselves and live lives that were in alignment and followed the threads that the universe provides, like, ⁓ this seems exciting. And saying yes to things that they don't normally say yes to, then you would put yourself in situations that would make you more likely to encounter people. I also think that dating apps are just not yes, there are exceptions, but generally speaking, we would have a much higher success rate if we just went back to the old ways of Living life, enjoying life, going out, doing stuff that you don't normally do. Are you gonna meet somebody right away? No, probably not. You might, I don't know. I can't speak for everybody. But I do know that that would put us in situations where the the probability that it would work out would be much higher than when we're just like, okay, I'm gonna go on five dates this week and then three the next and then I'm gonna play the field. No. And then people are getting upset because everyone is you know, there's like a lack of commitment from people and of course, because everything's at the fingertips. And everyone's just so they feel like they're like running this rat race to find somebody and it shouldn't be like that. Because when there's a wholeness in yourself, you're not in a rush to find somebody. And I I just think we have it ass backwards, to be honest, when it comes to finding love. And it should never be a priority. The priority should be self-love. We have a lack of self-love and it's a huge issue. beyond I think what we've seen ever because we have so many sources that require or not require but they kind of make us feel like we need external validation more than ever before. Hence social media, posting on social media, doing those things. We feel like we need something outside of ourselves to make us happy. We need to go back to making making ourselves happy outside and not thinking about what other people think about us. And a lot of people are not stepping into their purpose because they're also afraid of being seen and they're afraid of being judged or afraid Of failing, failing in front of people that they don't even know. Because I was just talking to, I literally, I'm sure we've had a gazillion lives together as sisters. She is, I just love her so much, and every time I talk to her, we we have I swear we share the same brain, we're just in different geographic locations. But we were just saying of how the fear of being seen is big and you don't want to fail. But usually the people that you're afraid of failing in front of are the people that you don't even give a fuck about. They're like people from your past that you may have dated or somebody that. That you went to high school with. And it's never the people that are close to you because the people that are close to you are generally rooting for you. And anybody who's not rooting for you and is hating on you, projection, it's not about you, it's about them. So I know like with my I'll I plug to my stories just because I want to understand that I'm not w living the life that I feel like I should be living just yet. And yes, it's sharing this podcast is the beginning of it, but there is still no so much more that I need to do as I get over the fear of perfection or fear of not being perfect, the fear of not being liked, the fear of failing. Because I've tried a lot of things that haven't worked out. Let me ⁓ let me just listen here. I went I did personal training and I quit that because it just I was too hard to juggle with my corporate job and it wasn't very lucrative. And then I did a fitness group for women, specifically women who were pregnant or had young kids and then I ⁓ dove into women's circles and now I'm here doing the podcast. So anyway, it's just all these things that I've tried and I've put myself out there. But I used to dilute myself and now I'm like, you know, I'm just gonna post whatever. I'm not trying to gain popularity. I'm trying for the right souls to find me. And the only way that those right souls are gonna find me is if I put myself out there. If I don't do it, they're not gonna find me. And same goes for you. If you have an idea and you want to bring people along that you think would also you know maybe enjoy the idea that you have I I'm just throwing it out there because of what my example was, then you need to share that idea. Because how are people gonna know that you're even thinking about this or that this is something that you want to bring into fruition if you're not sharing it. So whatever it is that you're afraid of is the thing that you should be doing. Oftentimes, and I know it's so cheesy, they're like, ⁓ success is on the other side of fear, and you hear all those things, but it's true. Everything that we're afraid of is usually just because we're s we want it so badly, and if it doesn't work out, we think the world's gonna crumble. But no. And I've also shared that just because something doesn't work out in the way that you thought doesn't mean it's a failure because you're always learning and you're progressing and you're moving forward and you pivot. And I was talking to another person who's been very successful in the business realm, and she does ⁓ healing as well, and she was saying. Follow the threads. The universe will always provide you threads. And the way that you acknowledge or become aware of these threads is with your connection, strengthening your connection with self. So you follow these little nudges. You're like, okay, I'm gonna try this. I'm gonna say yes to this. And slowly the path starts to unveil. It's not like this thing where you have to have this grand plan because I always thought, okay, you have to have a business plan. And I'm not saying there is no use to these things. I'm just saying when you're unclear on what you need to do and you feel unfulfilled, you can just start by following the threads. Okay. Okay, this sounds interesting. Let me try this. Okay, this didn't work. Let me pivot. I've learned about this through trying this. Now I'm gonna go over here. And it's never a failure. Again, even if it doesn't work out the way you envisioned, it does not mean that all is lost. If anything, it teaches you what you can strengthen. And I am living proof of that here and now. I am working on using my voice. I don't know what that's going to lead to, but I know this was the next step. And I'm gonna keep following the threads and sharing my journey along through the podcast for however long it feels aligned. Because right now my call is to help other people, to pull themselves out of depression, to learn what it truly means to love yourself. Because up until six months ago maybe I'm trying to guess I was still heavily thinking like okay I but I do love myself but I do and I was learning to but I hadn't fully mastered it and now I know that I do and I'm still of course I still struggle and the old me wants to come back and to the old routes and I almost thought about texting this guy earlier today because I went paddleboarding at this place that we had paddleboarded together and I was like we're not going back there because I have l finally learned to feel whole and good and to know that I don't need external validation and sometimes I still look for it. It doesn't mean your old identity is going to shed right away. But the more you practice this new embodiment of who you are, the stronger it gets. It's like a muscle. I always refer to it thing like working out is such a good analogy. You know, you don't go into working out and you're not just great at it. But slowly you get better. And then you learn about different workout modalities. Then you try those and you're even stronger because you started off on this one thing that made you that gave you the baseline in order to be able to do the next thing better. And so that's exactly how life works. Sometimes, oftentimes, I want to venture to say all the times, and some people will argue and be like, No, you need a structured plan. Sometimes you just need to follow the threads. And for me, the thread started with spirituality and mastering self-love because my deep depression and my self loathing clearly was from a lack of complete alignment with self, from looking for love outside of me and for seeking it from people who were treating me poorly because those were the people I was most drawn to. And now I know the n the next step is when I do find somebody that I'm interested in, it's going to make sure that I continue being me, this person who puts myself first and foremost, and not watering myself down to keep somebody or keep their attention just because I like them. Because I don't like people very often. Let me rephrase that. I am not romantically attracted to Min very often. It takes a lot for me to be romantically attracted to a man. And now it's gonna take even more because it's not just an external thing, but it's gonna be like, what is your emotional intelligence like? What is your self-awareness like? What have your previous relationships been like? What work have you done in yourself? And I'm not saying that, you know, that you have to be this completely spiritual being in order to f be whole. But you do have to have a level of self awareness and emotional intelligence. And that comes from delving in, facing your shadows and acknowledging What you need to work on because we all have things to work on all the time. It never ends. It's a never-ending endeavor, and much the same as with fitness. You're never going to reach this point where you no longer have to work out. You're always going to have a strong something to work on, is something to strengthen and something to polish. That's just the way life goes. So the point of this episode again is around self-love, learning what self-love is, strengthening your connection with self. And if you feel a nudge to try something, please try it. You do not need to live a life that's Granola. And I say granola, like that life that they told you meant that you're successful. Like owning a house and and having a nice car, all those things that I was taught, those do not bring you happiness. It's really when you are living a life of purpose, when you feel like you're fulfilling your soul's duty. And until then, you will not feel whole. Nothing outside of you, no material item, no human, nothing will make you feel good until you you learn that. And the way that you learn that is by learning who you are. So So this week I encourage you take five minutes, ten minutes to yourself. Go somewhere quiet, maybe outside, maybe it's your closet, wherever you can go, and just Try to talk to your higher self. Try to talk to you, whatever you believe in. If you don't believe in your higher self, just see what comes try to clear your mind and see what thoughts come up. Jot them down, as I mentioned, or voice note them, whatever it is. But learn who you are and then start following the threads because they will lead you to beautiful places. I am living proof. I I'm having last week I shared I had a terrible week. This week I'm having a great week and I'm learning that life kind of ebbs and flows, but I am learning to ride the lows much better and more efficiently, and I come back stronger each time. And I want that from at for everyone. My goal in this life is to raise the collective, to spread love, and to encourage everyone to live their most happiest, fulfilling life. So again, stay tuned next week because I have something really exciting. I am going to be talking. to somebody with an amazing story and if you enjoyed this episode again please I encourage you to leave a positive review and share with a friend share with anybody that you think might feel called to listen and I will see you guys next week. Thank you for listening.