Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / How To Stop Giving A Shit What People Think

Transcript

How To Stop Giving A Shit What People Think · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everyone, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, I am going to talk about how not to give a
• 0:13
  shit. What people think about you by
• 0:15
  subscriber request. Actually Facebook group member
• 0:19
  and addition to a subscriber asked about how to not care and
• 0:25
  become less of a people. Pleaser people pleaser little
• 0:27
  bit separate it's related but whether or not you're actually
• 0:31
  an active people pleaser. There are many people who are
• 0:34
  still Anxious about their perception in the world and we
• 0:38
  will get into why and how to stop.
• 0:40
  And But first, you should definitely click on the
• 0:44
  Subscribe link because I have great recent episodes.
• 0:48
  And I'm going to be doing one every four episodes instead of
• 0:50
  one every five episodes. The most recent one was on
• 0:53
  unconditional love and that should be required.
• 0:57
  Listening for all couples and I give you lots of discussion
• 0:59
  questions at the end that you can use to prompt discussions
• 1:02
  with your partner. Whether or not they listen to
• 1:04
  the The podcast with you because as I've hopefully driven home,
• 1:07
  they don't have to listen to my podcast.
• 1:09
  I'm not for everyone, some people don't like podcasts, I
• 1:12
  myself hate podcasts. So I get where your partner's
• 1:16
  coming from. I don't listen to anybody talk,
• 1:19
  it's consistently shocking to me.
• 1:22
  That people will listen to me talk because I will listen to no
• 1:27
  one talked. So if they don't like my
• 1:29
  podcasts and they don't like my posts or they just don't like
• 1:32
  me, then you still can on your own.
• 1:34
  And have those discussion questions, so, you can bring up
• 1:37
  topics. Because remember, it's about
• 1:39
  your relationship. I don't like.
• 1:42
  It doesn't matter if they list, like listening to me, they got
• 1:44
  to like listening to you. You bring up the topics and then
• 1:48
  you will have stuff to talk about.
• 1:50
  That's very interesting with your spouse and it doesn't
• 1:52
  matter where you get it from. You could get it from me, you
• 1:55
  could get it from an epiphany from God.
• 1:57
  It doesn't matter. If you come up with something
• 1:59
  interesting to talk about you, bring it up and then that will
• 2:02
  enrich your relationship, and you will learn more.
• 2:04
  More about one another about the unconditional love podcast or
• 2:07
  about anything. Literally anything in life.
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  I also have 100 date night questions on my website
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  relatedly. So anyway, let's dive into this
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  topic. So over time, people care less
• 2:20
  and less what? Others think of them usually.
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  And when you're young, you care a lot and that's evolutionary.
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  When you're a young child you really want to fit into your
• 2:28
  family and to your community. And then this really Peaks and
• 2:32
  adolescents, it's unsafe. Has a child not to be part of a
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  community because you are a tiny weak, little mammal.
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  And so you need to be part of a pack.
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  In order to survive when you're an adolescent, you need to fit
• 2:44
  in because your body's telling you to breed.
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  Hopefully your body doesn't win that discussion so that you
• 2:50
  don't breed when you're still an adolescent but and you give
• 2:53
  yourself a little more time before you have children.
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  But your body is telling you to find a mate and to find a
• 3:00
  community and to, you know, be fruitful and multiply And you
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  can't do that if you are weird, you know, I'd be like if you do
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  not fit in then usually especially in the pre-internet
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  age. It was harder to find a partner.
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  And so there are many evolutionary reasons why people
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  like to fit in and why people do care what others think.
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  But then, you know, you we are not just driven by our biology
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  except vis-à-vis ovulation and menstruation as I discuss on my
• 3:33
  website frequently or As podcast.
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  But no, I mean, I'm just kidding.
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  We are obviously driven by our biology but also, you know, we
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  have brains and Free Will. And cognitive reframing is a
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  core component of CBT and we can change how we think about
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  things, so that it's more adaptive, so you can understand
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  that. Yeah, there's a real biological
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  imperative to fit in, but it's not really useful to you long
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  term as an adult. So, most people listening to
• 4:02
  this, have already found a mate or they know that they a can
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  find mates because they did in the past at some point and they
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  are situated in a larger community and have a job and so
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  forth. But so like nobody, they're not
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  going to like, you know, be out side of the tribe ostracized.
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  You know, not given food or whatever happens to people who
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  don't fit in in you, no more primitive societies and still,
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  you find yourself obsessing over, what people think about
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  you and feeling really hurt when people don't like you or
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  whatever. And it no longer serves you to
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  obsess over this stuff because all it does is make you anxious
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  and really prevent you from living an authentic life.
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  Because if you're always wondering what people are going
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  to think about you and you're trying to be inoffensive and to
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  please million Masters, then you are never going to be authentic
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  and true to yourself because you yourself probably like to do,
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  say, whatever things that somebody might not like by very
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  virtue. Ooh of doing anything.
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  Somebody may like you less because there's a whole range of
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  people and they have all their opinions.
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  And so, the idea that their opinions are going to align with
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  what you are doing, all the time is impossible.
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  But yet, some people try to do this and try to, please
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  everybody all the time. Get very upset when people don't
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  like them. Now, how can you better
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  understand this? There's not just the
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  evolutionary imperative to fit in.
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  There's also, How we're trained in our family of origin.
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  So there's that whole background of, you know, mammals are pack
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  animals and like to fit in with each other.
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  But within your particular family of origin, you could have
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  varied, you know, within the normal distribution of how much
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  this mattered to your parents. So were they very
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  image-conscious was everything about fitting in and keeping up
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  with the Joneses and acting a certain way and looking a
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  certain way and not embarrassing them etc, etc.
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  Because if it was then you You are even more fucked in this
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  regard because there's the whole human desire to fit in and then
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  up above and beyond that was the your specific family component
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  in. As much as they Amplified, your
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  pre-existing mammalian desire to fit in with the crowd.
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  So you're always then going to have your parents voices in your
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  head, whichever one. It was saying don't dress like
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  that don't act like that. People are looking at, you don't
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  make a problem, etc, etc. This is To say that certainly, I
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  believe that children should be trained to not make a problem,
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  you know, overall and to not to be self-centered and to fit in
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  within the constraints of society, right?
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  And I say that all the time, don't let your kids treat you
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  like garbage. Have your children, be nice to
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  you, be empathic, teach this at cetera but some parents of
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  course take it too far and everything is about fitting in
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  rather than ever understanding what the Is thinking or feeling
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  most parents nowadays, do the opposite.
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  They were too much what the child is thinking, and feeling
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  above the idea of fitting in. So a nice balance, of course is
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  best. But again, it's difficult to get
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  such a thing. But if you were raised by
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  parents, who were super invested in the judgments of others, then
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  it is very hard to shake this habit as you mature, even if
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  intellectually you realize that it does not serve you.
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  So, what are some ways to start understanding?
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  How to not give a shit, right? One is, you should go back to my
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  podcasts on people. Hate disavowed parts of
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  themselves. Like, if you don't like
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  somebody, then it's likely because there's something in you
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  that's being triggered. So, let's say, and but you're
• 7:49
  using this to understand why people may not like you.
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  So me, for example, right? So I'm a therapist and I talked
• 7:57
  about sex and so some people may think that that is
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  attention-seeking, right? And so anybody who hates me
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  because was that was be like to attention-seeking of an
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  occupation, probably on some level wishes that they had a
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  more exciting attention-seeking occupation.
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  Otherwise they wouldn't give a shit like, it wouldn't trigger
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  them at all. So if somebody were to judge me
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  for, you know, having a website or talking about sex or
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  whatever, it's usually because on some level, they wish they
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  could be that kind of a person. It's a disavowed part of
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  themselves either, they're, they're sexually repressed or or
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  anxious or they do. Putting themselves out there and
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  on some level. They wish that they could.
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  And this is much of what is discussed in therapy when people
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  have these deep reactions of massive dislike and hatred
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  toward other people. It's usually because there's
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  something inside them that is being triggered by this person,
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  such that they kind of wish they were more like that or they were
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  never allowed to be like that etcetera, Etc.
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  And if you start to understand this, then you can And that
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  anybody that you trigger, anybody that doesn't like you,
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  it's for their own reasons. It has nothing to do with that.
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  You are a bad unlikable person. You are a Rorschach test.
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  The Rorschach test is, is showing what bothers that other
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  person about themselves. There is no reason that somebody
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  would give two shits about you and what you are doing.
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  Unless for some reason, there is some innate thing in them that
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  is being triggered. And We can understand this
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  better than a therapist because as I've tried to discuss, you've
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  heard the term. Transference I think I talked
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  about this in some podcasts, but people tend to treat us, there
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  are bits over time the way that they treat everybody else and
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  their life. You know with whom they have a
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  relationship because this is a relationship.
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  You know when you're in a room with somebody week after week
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  you develop a relationship, talking about Deep Emotions, you
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  know? I mean this is I talked to many
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  people on the deepest level that they talked to with anybody
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  including their spouses. Including ever anybody ever.
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  So it's hard not to have a relationship.
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  You need to have a human relationship and that's called
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  the Therapeutic Alliance and over time there's transference.
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  So if somebody decides that they hate me all of a sudden, you
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  know, unless I have flipped them off and, you know, overcharge
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  them and, you know, not showed up to session.
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  If I'm just kind of acting like how I usually act and they are
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  triggered and they are upset and they're taking things.
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  Personally, it's invariably because something that's Being
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  in the room is reminding them of something that happened outside
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  of the room with either women as a whole given that I'm a woman
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  or with an intimate partner. Given that we're in a
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  relationship, not an intimate relationship in an emotionally,
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  intimate relationship, truly, or, or whatever, or people of my
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  age or mothers or whatever, whatever the case may be.
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  And so, this is, this is, this is hammered home in my specific
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  profession that you don't take these things personally, Lee
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  that what is to be done is to be exploited to explore why the
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  person feel so triggered by you, right?
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  And so that it's real hard not to understand this.
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  Not everybody has the benefit of being a therapist and having
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  this be their major training, but and experience.
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  But if you do, then you could, you could count on me that I'm
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  telling you the truth that when people don't like you it's not
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  it's usually something about them is being triggered by you
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  unless of course you are. Huge asshole But the irony is
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  anybody who gives a shit, what people think enough to be
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  anxious about it and to ask about it and to be like worried
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  about it, they are usually the least asshole people in the
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  world. They're usually, the people that
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  are trying so hard to be nice. So if you are this person that
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  tries so hard to be nice and somebody still doesn't like you
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  and has a problem with you. Then I present you a mantra that
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  you can repeat. It's very difficult clinically,
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  it's very complex. So you probably we're going to
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  need To write it down. It's it's very complicated here
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  it is, fuck those people, fuck those people were fuck these
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  people or fuck that person or however you need to amend this
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  for your particular situation. You just need to say Fuck this
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  person. Like I'm trying to be nice.
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  This must be some of their own shit and that's them and I'm not
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  gonna let it bother me because this is not about me.
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  I didn't do anything. Now, if you did do something,
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  then you apologize for it. And if they you tell you, for
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  example let's say that you think that the there's another woman
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  at preschool pick up that gives you side eye and you are
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  thinking man. What did I do?
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  Why does she hate me this that and then she says to you I
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  wonder if you're going to get Madison's biting under control
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  and you're like what and it turns out your kids been biting
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  her kid well then you're like Mom I'm real sorry you know.
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  He told me about Madison's biting, you know, I will do, you
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  know, figure that out like wow, didn't know that.
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  So in that case, you know, Matt, you know, kid that Madison's
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  biting probably is going to like you, but if there isn't a
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  reason, then you got to assume that something in the way that
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  you're showing up, something your outfit, maybe the car you
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  drive, maybe it's your voice. I don't care what it is triggers
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  this person. They either want to be more like
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  you or you remind them of their mother or their sister or
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  they're just having a bad day and fuck.
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  Person because it really does not need to bother you.
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  You do not need this person, your evolutionary system of
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  guarding your place in the pack has been activated but then your
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  cognition can go against it and you could say, I don't need this
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  person. This person doesn't pay my
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  bills. This person is not my intimate
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  partner. This is not my child.
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  Fuck this person. That doesn't mean to be mean to
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  this person at all. It's just like, fuck.
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  This person's judgment, who cares.
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  I'll keep smiling to at this Then maybe they really having a
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  bad day. Maybe their life is very
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  difficult. Who the hell knows?
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  I always, tell my kids, if somebody is being mean, imagine
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  how mean they get treated at home, they must get treated
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  terrible at home. If they're going to be mean at
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  school, they must be so sad. They must not be living a good
• 14:22
  life. So you have compassion for these
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  people, of course, that doesn't mean you become their best
• 14:26
  friend because that's putting yourself In Harm's Way.
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  But it certainly means that from a distance you can empathize
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  with this person and not take it.
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  Lee. And of course, if this person
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  were to, in fact, sometimes the my, my kids will say, oh yeah,
• 14:40
  that person actually does look unhappy that person actually got
• 14:44
  into a fight with such and such other friend.
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  So now I'll say yeah. I mean you know that anybody
• 14:49
  ever is in trouble or is getting bullied or something.
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  Then of course, he told me or tell somebody else.
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  And sometimes these unhappy kids are the ones who later it could
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  comes down through the grapevine that they do have trouble at
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  home. You know, that something is
• 15:03
  going on a parent. Is sick, for example, or
• 15:06
  something like that. And that only needs to happen a
• 15:07
  couple of times before your kids.
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  Look at you like you're Yoda and they're like, wow, you're
• 15:12
  totally right. Anybody who's an asshole?
• 15:15
  Is just always struggling, which is a wonderful life lesson that
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  many adults haven't learned yet. So if you struggle with this
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  practice, looking at the situation, a lot more
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  objectively, you are just one person.
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  You can only really choose to be how you are.
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  And however you are is going to turn some people.
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  Off and fuck those people because those people don't
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  matter, they're never going to be your best friend.
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  If they don't like you maybe they could get to know you and
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  be your best friend but probably not you know and it doesn't
• 15:46
  really make a difference in your life.
• 15:48
  Now if this is a family member, then we can try to do the gray
• 15:52
  rock technique which I've discussed on my podcast and you
• 15:55
  can certainly go to therapy and we go to therapy for any of
• 15:58
  this. I mean if you are very socially
• 16:00
  anxious and you are terrified and saying, fuck these people
• 16:02
  makes you shake and Quake in fear.
• 16:04
  Fear go to therapy for that but if you are being consistently
• 16:08
  rejected and judged by a close family member or even worse a
• 16:12
  spouse, then this is a different podcast, a different topic.
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  What I'm talking about is when the average Joe on the street or
• 16:19
  just a woman from preschool pickup or a co-worker or a gym
• 16:24
  buddy or whoever the hell when those people get under your skin
• 16:28
  and you're just really hoping that they like you.
• 16:30
  And you're wondering why they do nor or did I do something to
• 16:34
  offend And this person. No, fuck those people, it
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  doesn't matter. Your body is doing the right
• 16:39
  thing. By making an anxiety response
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  because we are mammals, but you can use your brain to say, get
• 16:47
  the back anxiety response. I do not need you.
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  You are no longer adaptive to me.
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  I am living my life. I am pretty successful as human
• 16:56
  being. It doesn't matter if that woman
• 16:58
  likes me or she doesn't like me, and if she doesn't like me, it's
• 17:01
  probably due to her own shit if she were to ever come to me and
• 17:03
  say that, I Had done something to her.
• 17:05
  I would apologize. So of us.
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  I'm really right? I really don't have to worry
• 17:09
  about it because I'm not doing anything wrong.
• 17:12
  I'm fine. And that person may be an
• 17:15
  unhappy person if they judge me. Did they probably judging
• 17:19
  everybody else too? So, this is something that you
• 17:22
  could think about and you could listen to it as a pep talk and
• 17:25
  you should practice in your daily life.
• 17:27
  When you start to feel that, you know, your heart is racing, your
• 17:30
  blood pressure is up because somebody gave you a sideways.
• 17:34
  Luck or something. Practicing, fuck.
• 17:37
  That person. That person is probably unhappy
• 17:39
  that person probably would, you know, be triggered by many
• 17:44
  people. Certainly anybody that looked or
• 17:46
  acted like me. And that's their own thing.
• 17:50
  I can't make everybody like me. I have no need to do it.
• 17:53
  I'm fine. And I'm going to go about my
• 17:55
  day, all right? Hopefully, this was useful to
• 17:58
  you guys. And again, if you do struggle
• 18:00
  with real bad social anxiety, and this is this sort of thing
• 18:04
  is just The tip of the iceberg for you, then social anxiety can
• 18:06
  be very responsive to both medication antidepressants and
• 18:11
  which doubles anti-anxiety medications, ssris, and or
• 18:15
  therapy, which uses exposure and response prevention and is like
• 18:19
  a much more in-depth version of saying, fuck that person.
• 18:22
  But fuck, that person is a very good summary.
• 18:25
  All right, talk to you soon. Bye.