Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / Open relationships, bestie fall out & affair 💔 #bestieadvice

Transcript

Open relationships, bestie fall out & affair 💔 #bestieadvice · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apoday production.
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Speaker 2: We begin today by acknowledging the traditional custodians of the
0:13
Speaker 2: land on which we gather today and pay our respects
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Speaker 2: to their elders past and present. We extend that respect
0:19
Speaker 2: to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people's here today.
0:25
Speaker 3: Welcome to the Grow and Glow Podcast. I'm Ashy, I'm Kiara.
0:29
Speaker 3: This is a podcast where we learn, laugh, and level
0:31
Speaker 3: up together. Let's go deep, let the.
0:33
Speaker 1: Emotions flow, and find the lessons to grow and glow.
0:36
Speaker 1: Nothing is off the table with Grow and Glow and
0:38
Speaker 1: we're here to be your expander. Hello guy, Hello, welcome
0:45
Speaker 1: back to the potty, back to Growing Glow. While since
0:48
Speaker 1: we've done one of these episodes.
0:50
Speaker 3: We have but we've been asked to give some advice.
0:54
Speaker 3: This is your best advice. We are not professional qualify,
0:58
Speaker 3: but just to have our take on a situation that
1:00
Speaker 3: one of you guys are going through. This lady messaged
1:03
Speaker 3: over in our Facebook fla. So if you guys have
1:06
Speaker 3: any situations you're going through and want us to unpack
1:08
Speaker 3: anything for you or get our advice on anything, head
1:11
Speaker 3: over and join our Facebook forum. Such a beautiful community
1:14
Speaker 3: of like minded women and yeah, we will just chat
1:16
Speaker 3: in there, and it is really nice, such a beautiful space.
1:19
Speaker 1: We always want this podcast to feel like two Best
1:20
Speaker 1: is seing on a couch, because that's literally what we
1:22
Speaker 1: are doing right now. Yeah. So yeah, this lady rode
1:24
Speaker 1: in and one of our advice so we're going to
1:26
Speaker 1: read out her story, which we.
1:27
Speaker 3: Have asked for permission to do.
1:29
Speaker 1: So yeah, yeah, I let you read it.
1:32
Speaker 3: That's your old story bag, that's your old story words.
1:38
Speaker 3: I need advice. I have a girlfriend whom I've known
1:40
Speaker 3: since KINDI. She grew up without her mum in the
1:43
Speaker 3: picture or very distant at least, an alcoholic. So my
1:47
Speaker 3: friend who I thought I knew as a person having
1:50
Speaker 3: very strong morals, a person who lives very authentic, vegan
1:53
Speaker 3: pilates yoga, all the bits and pieces. And then I
1:56
Speaker 3: have this guy's friend that she's been dating recently, who
1:59
Speaker 3: I actually saw for a few months in like grade ten,
2:03
Speaker 3: most genuine, beautiful person. They had been together for ten
2:07
Speaker 3: plus years, lived very separate lives. For the last maybe
2:12
Speaker 3: five years. They were in an open relationship where they
2:15
Speaker 3: could see other people as long as it wasn't anybody local.
2:19
Speaker 3: Last year before they got married, we went out on
2:22
Speaker 3: a girl's night and she was after this guy. He
2:25
Speaker 3: was a local. We didn't think anything of it until
2:28
Speaker 3: later in the evening we found out he has a
2:30
Speaker 3: wife and two children, and his wife was actually altering
2:34
Speaker 3: her wedding dress. I found them kissing close to closing
2:39
Speaker 3: time and was so shocked. Obviously he's married, so I
2:42
Speaker 3: didn't want anyone to see or make a big deal
2:45
Speaker 3: about it. She stayed at my house. I absolutely had
2:48
Speaker 3: some things to say. The next day she said, I
2:51
Speaker 3: think he did say that they were in an open marriage,
2:54
Speaker 3: and I made it very clear she needed to tell
2:56
Speaker 3: her partner as she was about to get married and
2:58
Speaker 3: can't go into this marriage with a lie. I'm very
3:01
Speaker 3: black and white with cheating though my dad cheated on
3:04
Speaker 3: my mum, and she you just had no feelings because
3:06
Speaker 3: of that trauma, etc. So I have obviously carried that. Anyways,
3:12
Speaker 3: we move on maybe two to three months later, and
3:15
Speaker 3: two weeks before her wedding, she is telling me she's
3:18
Speaker 3: tapped out, she's not happy, and I said, that's fine,
3:21
Speaker 3: you need to figure that out. I can't do that
3:23
Speaker 3: for you, but when you do, we can go away
3:26
Speaker 3: for a few days and just let that take its
3:28
Speaker 3: new path and I'll be there. She still went ahead
3:32
Speaker 3: with the marriage, and on their honeymoon fell pregnant. Fast
3:35
Speaker 3: forward another four months and this local guy's wife has
3:38
Speaker 3: found messages on his phone of this affair with my
3:41
Speaker 3: friend for almost two years. So now all of this
3:45
Speaker 3: has come out, and she's had to tell her partner
3:48
Speaker 3: the absolute truth, let us know that obviously they're breaking up, etc.
3:52
Speaker 3: I'm just shook. I'm so mad that she flat out
3:56
Speaker 3: lied to me. Loyalty and honesty are huge for me.
3:59
Speaker 3: I think I'm done, But she's also just about to
4:01
Speaker 3: have a baby in one of the most vulnerable headspaces ever,
4:04
Speaker 3: and it's all already going to be different to what
4:07
Speaker 3: having a baby into a healthy relationship normally looks like.
4:10
Speaker 3: I can't see past the lies and what's been going on,
4:13
Speaker 3: and I just obviously value our friendship more than she does.
4:16
Speaker 3: I told her almost six weeks ago that I needed space,
4:19
Speaker 3: and she hasn't even tried to get in touch. I
4:21
Speaker 3: get it, I asked for space, but we're meant to
4:24
Speaker 3: be best friends. Any advice would be amazing, So I
4:28
Speaker 3: think we go through bit by bit. Okay, if we
4:31
Speaker 3: go from the top, unpack it. Let's unpack it. I
4:34
Speaker 3: have a girlfriend who I've known since KINDI. She grew
4:37
Speaker 3: up without her mum in the picture or very distant
4:39
Speaker 3: at least, an alcoholic my friend who I thought I
4:42
Speaker 3: knew as this very strong morals person living an authentic life,
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Speaker 3: all the bits and bobs, I don't know. I feel
4:48
Speaker 3: like just hearing that, it feels very harsh, like she's
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Speaker 3: judging her friends, saying I thought she had strong morals, yeah,
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Speaker 3: and not saying that anything that her friend has done
4:59
Speaker 3: it is right. But I feel like there's definitely a
5:02
Speaker 3: bit of her own stuff being.
5:04
Speaker 1: Project expectations of what's right or wrong and regardless of
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Speaker 1: what her friend has done, Like we had this conversation
5:12
Speaker 1: in a previous podcast, like you may not agree with it,
5:15
Speaker 1: and it maybe not what you're doing, but this is
5:17
Speaker 1: like her life and can you love her unconditionally through
5:20
Speaker 1: all of her shit?
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Speaker 3: And also like people fuck up? Yeah, people aren't perfect.
5:25
Speaker 3: We don't always get everything right all of the time.
5:28
Speaker 3: And just because people make mistakes doesn't mean that that
5:31
Speaker 3: then becomes a whole identity. And you bet her best friend,
5:35
Speaker 3: it shouldn't make you think that now her morals and
5:38
Speaker 3: she's not all those things that she does do on
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Speaker 3: a day to day life. She might have just had
5:41
Speaker 3: a really fuck up of a moment.
5:43
Speaker 1: She's vegan and she goes to pilates and she has
5:46
Speaker 1: you know, healthy habits, but then does this mistake. And
5:49
Speaker 1: there's also so many layers to this whole situation. Like
5:52
Speaker 1: they were in open relationship, they were happy, but then
5:56
Speaker 1: maybe there were some underlying things that she really wasn't happy,
5:59
Speaker 1: and the open relationship was the last straw to like,
6:02
Speaker 1: we stay together because we love each other and we
6:03
Speaker 1: care about each other. Let's try this because we're obviously
6:06
Speaker 1: not fulfilling each other's needs or we want to explore. Yeah,
6:09
Speaker 1: that might not be right for you, but that's right
6:11
Speaker 1: for her. And then it went down a different path
6:13
Speaker 1: that she didn't expect. Yeah, we're just going to read
6:15
Speaker 1: the little bits out and then unpack it as we go.
6:17
Speaker 3: I'm just shook. I'm so mad that she flat out
6:20
Speaker 3: lied to me. Loyalty and honesty are huge for me.
6:23
Speaker 3: I think I'm done. But she's also about to have
6:26
Speaker 3: a baby and in one of the most vulnerable headspaces ever,
6:29
Speaker 3: and it's already going to be different to what having
6:31
Speaker 3: a baby into a healthy relationship normally looks like.
6:36
Speaker 1: So there's so many layers to this and why she
6:40
Speaker 1: wouldn't have told you. And I can understand why you'd
6:43
Speaker 1: be upset because your quote unquote best friends. You probably
6:46
Speaker 1: tell each other everything. You'd think she would come to
6:48
Speaker 1: you and like tell you this. But I would assume
6:52
Speaker 1: if you're going through an affair and you're hiding this,
6:54
Speaker 1: you're already beating yourself up, You're already carrying so much shame,
6:58
Speaker 1: you already feel so embarrassed, and by your language here,
7:03
Speaker 1: I do feel like maybe you haven't created the safest
7:05
Speaker 1: place for her. She knows your opinion on the open relationship.
7:08
Speaker 1: She knows your opinion on all of this, and it's valid.
7:11
Speaker 1: I'm not saying your opinion is right or wrong. Everyone's
7:13
Speaker 1: experiences and opinions are their own. You're allowed to have those.
7:17
Speaker 1: But if she can feel your judgment or you know,
7:19
Speaker 1: you've said down here, I definitely had some things to say.
7:23
Speaker 1: So I'm guessing you've told her how you really feel,
7:25
Speaker 1: she wouldn't have felt safe to come to you and say, Puck,
7:27
Speaker 1: this is what I'm going through, Like I'm in it.
7:30
Speaker 1: I love this man so much, but I also love
7:32
Speaker 1: my husband to be I feel stuck, Like you know
7:35
Speaker 1: what I mean, I'd be so scary for her.
7:37
Speaker 3: That's exactly what I've thought as well, is you know,
7:40
Speaker 3: you probably might not have intentionally, but also her being
7:43
Speaker 3: your best friend, she would know your trauma, she would
7:45
Speaker 3: know what you've gone through with your parents, she will
7:47
Speaker 3: know that it's a triggering conversation for you, So she
7:50
Speaker 3: probably also is protecting you and maybe protecting herself because yeah,
7:54
Speaker 3: she might not feel safe or might not know how
7:56
Speaker 3: your reaction's going to be, so she might just be going, Okay,
7:58
Speaker 3: maybe she's not the person. So I know, I've got
8:00
Speaker 3: different friends that I go to for different conversations. Like
8:04
Speaker 3: we said this all the time. We have certain friends
8:06
Speaker 3: could hold space in some areas, other friends have more
8:08
Speaker 3: capacity in other areas. And yeah, I mean maybe right
8:12
Speaker 3: now in this season that you're not the person that
8:16
Speaker 3: she's coming to.
8:18
Speaker 1: Yeah, if someone's got very strong opinions about cheating and
8:21
Speaker 1: they're they're cheating, they're not going to go.
8:23
Speaker 3: To you about the cheating issues, like you said, they're
8:25
Speaker 3: already going to feel so shameful.
8:26
Speaker 1: Yeah, they're going to go to someone that's just like,
8:28
Speaker 1: isn't so black and white about it? I think, and
8:30
Speaker 1: they would just be able to hold that, and then
8:32
Speaker 1: there's a lot to hold. I'm not saying it would
8:33
Speaker 1: be easy, especially with your past trauma.
8:35
Speaker 3: I really feel for you.
8:36
Speaker 1: Like I watched my stepdad that we know of three
8:39
Speaker 1: year long affair and it broke my mum. I get it,
8:42
Speaker 1: but it just isn't black and white. Yeah, and I think, Yeah,
8:46
Speaker 1: our work that we've been trying to do is just
8:48
Speaker 1: always come from a place of understanding and regardless of
8:51
Speaker 1: decisions that people make, is just yeah, ask yourself, can
8:54
Speaker 1: you love them unconditionally? Can you hold that space with them?
8:57
Speaker 1: Do you have the capacity for that? And overall it
9:00
Speaker 1: sounds like it's just feeling a lot for you, which
9:03
Speaker 1: it's really valid. It's not right or wrong, but you've
9:06
Speaker 1: got to honor that for yourself, Yeah, and not make
9:09
Speaker 1: it so much about.
9:09
Speaker 3: Her, if that makes sense.
9:11
Speaker 1: If that is about her, but it's also about you
9:13
Speaker 1: because it's bringing up a lot of your unhealed trauma. Yeah,
9:17
Speaker 1: you're hurt.
9:17
Speaker 3: If I was you as well, I would honestly be
9:20
Speaker 3: trying to space myself from the situation. I think if
9:23
Speaker 3: you're feeling all of these triggers coming up, then maybe
9:26
Speaker 3: you're not the person for her to go to as well,
9:28
Speaker 3: like on her side, but also your side, Like Tay,
9:30
Speaker 3: this time to go internal. I'm like, wow, Like why
9:32
Speaker 3: do I feel like I need to know all the
9:35
Speaker 3: details about this or you know, but.
9:39
Speaker 1: To the stuff that's coming up for you as well. Yeah,
9:41
Speaker 1: there's so many beautiful invitations and moments like this.
9:44
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't to read the next section.
9:47
Speaker 1: Obviously he's married, so I didn't want anyone to see
9:49
Speaker 1: or make it a big deal. She stayed at my
9:51
Speaker 1: house and I absolutely had some things to say. The
9:53
Speaker 1: next day she said, I think he did say they
9:55
Speaker 1: were in open marriage, and I made it very clear
9:58
Speaker 1: she needs to tell her partner as she's about to
10:00
Speaker 1: get married and can't go into this marriage with a lie.
10:04
Speaker 3: Yeah, so so I've just written down here you told
10:07
Speaker 3: her flat out that she has to tell her husband,
10:10
Speaker 3: rather than supporting and guiding her along the way. Sometimes
10:13
Speaker 3: when situations have happened in our own life, it almost
10:15
Speaker 3: triggers us to go back reliving that moment and rather
10:19
Speaker 3: than coming from a place of like supporting your friend
10:22
Speaker 3: I think because straightaway, like you have to tell her,
10:25
Speaker 3: it's maybe pushing her away and making her feel really
10:29
Speaker 3: uncomfortable pressured to talk when she's not ready. She's coming
10:32
Speaker 3: to you like I need to just get this off
10:34
Speaker 3: my chest and then yes, need some time to process
10:36
Speaker 3: and then go to him.
10:37
Speaker 1: And can you be that safe place to hold that
10:39
Speaker 1: for her? Yeah, I think that's been a huge skill
10:41
Speaker 1: that I definitely learned over the last couple of years.
10:44
Speaker 1: It's like you're not there to fix everyone's problems a
10:46
Speaker 1: lot of the time. Your friends just actually need you
10:48
Speaker 1: to hold space. And the girlfriends I've got around me
10:51
Speaker 1: are now very good at saying, hey, I want your advice,
10:53
Speaker 1: like what would you do, or hey, I'm coming to
10:56
Speaker 1: you for a rant. I just need to get this
10:57
Speaker 1: off my chest, And that to me is clear communication
10:59
Speaker 1: to what they're needing. Yeah, it felt like in that
11:01
Speaker 1: moment she probably would have needed you to just hold
11:03
Speaker 1: that for her, like far out. Even if I had
11:06
Speaker 1: an opinion, I think I would say, I have no
11:09
Speaker 1: idea what I would do in this situation, but I
11:11
Speaker 1: want you to know I'm here with you right now.
11:13
Speaker 1: What do you need? What do you think is the
11:16
Speaker 1: right thing for you right now to do. Is this
11:18
Speaker 1: something you want to tell them about? Do you need
11:20
Speaker 1: extra support? Do we need to go away for a
11:22
Speaker 1: couple of days to digest this? Like, what do you
11:26
Speaker 1: want to do right now? And I've got you as
11:28
Speaker 1: a friend.
11:28
Speaker 3: The last thing I'd be doing is speaking my harshest
11:32
Speaker 3: opinions straight away at the moment, in that moment when
11:35
Speaker 3: they're so vulnerable. Yeah, and I know that that's easier
11:38
Speaker 3: said than done, especially when it's something that's super triggering.
11:41
Speaker 3: So there's no ill feelings, Like, you know, everyone's got
11:45
Speaker 3: to do their own journey and do their own work.
11:47
Speaker 3: But I think if you're wondering why this friend is
11:49
Speaker 3: pulling back, then i'd really have a little look at yourself,
11:53
Speaker 3: because it always works both ways. There's always none of
11:56
Speaker 3: us are perfect.
11:57
Speaker 1: And just reflect on the conversations and like there's also
11:59
Speaker 1: things like your body language, your tone, the language that
12:02
Speaker 1: you used, how you said it, what do you say exactly?
12:05
Speaker 1: All of those will stack tor. I think her reason
12:07
Speaker 1: for not coming to you to tell you about the
12:09
Speaker 1: affair later on.
12:10
Speaker 3: Yeah, and she might be feeling just as much hurt
12:12
Speaker 3: as you are. You know how you're missing her and
12:13
Speaker 3: you're wanting, you know, to reconnect. She could be feeling
12:16
Speaker 3: that too.
12:16
Speaker 1: She might be scared and so lonely. And also she
12:18
Speaker 1: is so much on her shoulders now, yeah, to have
12:21
Speaker 1: a baby. She's got this husband, she's got the guy
12:23
Speaker 1: she was having an affair with, so many mixed emotions,
12:26
Speaker 1: she's hormonal, so.
12:27
Speaker 3: Many people involved, by the sounds as well, very messy. Yeah,
12:31
Speaker 3: because now there's a baby involved, there's the husband, and
12:34
Speaker 3: there's the husband she cheated with, and the wife, then
12:36
Speaker 3: the friends that there's so many people involved, and she
12:39
Speaker 3: with children. Yeah, they have two children.
12:42
Speaker 1: Yeah, so she Yeah, and which I can hear, which
12:44
Speaker 1: is so beautiful. I can hear your saying you think
12:47
Speaker 1: you're done. However, you also know she's in a really
12:50
Speaker 1: vulnerable spot. So shows how much you really do care
12:52
Speaker 1: for her. So like us saying, as we know your
12:54
Speaker 1: heart's there and we know that you're wanting to be
12:56
Speaker 1: there for her. But it is just a cool place
12:59
Speaker 1: to reflect on, like, oh, I can see like I've
13:01
Speaker 1: done it before. I did it the other day with
13:03
Speaker 1: my girlfriend. I was like, I'm so sorry if I was
13:05
Speaker 1: too honest there, and she came back to me and
13:06
Speaker 1: she was like, never apologizing. I love your bigness and
13:09
Speaker 1: I love your honesty, and I asked you for your opinion. Yeah,
13:11
Speaker 1: if I don't want your opinion, I won't ask I
13:14
Speaker 1: asked you for it. So, yeah, it's very tricky, isn't it. Yeah,
13:19
Speaker 1: so you've said I can't see past the lies and
13:21
Speaker 1: what's been going on, and just obviously value our friendship
13:24
Speaker 1: more than she does. First of all, on that that's
13:26
Speaker 1: an assumption.
13:26
Speaker 3: You don't know.
13:27
Speaker 1: That assumption is the opposite of communication. You don't know
13:31
Speaker 1: how she's feeling. You might feel like that and be
13:33
Speaker 1: putting yourself on like a different level to her, but
13:35
Speaker 1: that's not the truth. Yeah, you can't make that your
13:37
Speaker 1: truth because you actually don't.
13:38
Speaker 3: Know, definitely, And even like I can't see pass the
13:40
Speaker 3: lies and what's been going on, you don't have to.
13:44
Speaker 3: If you actually feel like you hold too much resentment
13:47
Speaker 3: and it just feels so unaligned, then maybe that's the
13:51
Speaker 3: route that you're going to. Yeah, but that's your decision.
13:55
Speaker 1: Don't blame it on her for her not reaching out.
13:57
Speaker 1: That was the next pit. I told her almost six
13:59
Speaker 1: weeks ago that I need space, and she hasn't even
14:01
Speaker 1: tried to get in touch. I get it. I asked
14:03
Speaker 1: the space, but were meant to be best friends. So
14:06
Speaker 1: we spoke about this in a previous episode, everyone having
14:08
Speaker 1: their own set of rule books, Like your rule book
14:11
Speaker 1: is like, I don't know. It feels kind of like
14:13
Speaker 1: she must reach out to and she must contact you
14:15
Speaker 1: for her to be a good friend, but you've asked
14:16
Speaker 1: for space. In my head, she's respected that if someone
14:20
Speaker 1: asked me for space.
14:21
Speaker 3: You would wait for them to reach out with the
14:22
Speaker 3: whole of branch'd be like, I'm ready to talk. I
14:24
Speaker 3: would as well. Yeah.
14:26
Speaker 1: Yeah, And if you wanted space, but then she reached out,
14:29
Speaker 1: then she'd almost be violating your boundary.
14:31
Speaker 3: And I've had that happen before and that feels really uncomfortable.
14:34
Speaker 1: Yeah. Would then you have been like, oh my gosh,
14:36
Speaker 1: I've asked her for space and she's still contacting me.
14:38
Speaker 3: Yeah. I honestly feel like if you are wanting, because
14:42
Speaker 3: it sounds like you are, I feel like you would
14:44
Speaker 3: not be messaging us if you didn't deep down love
14:46
Speaker 3: this girl so much. We can see that, and it
14:48
Speaker 3: seems like you're not done with the friendship. So what
14:50
Speaker 3: would do you've asked for space? I feel like it's
14:53
Speaker 3: whoever's asked for the space is the first person that
14:55
Speaker 3: would be like, Okay, I've had enough. So then your
14:57
Speaker 3: friend knows, like, okay, how much space does she want?
14:59
Speaker 3: Does she? She doesn't know if you mean six months
15:01
Speaker 3: or if you mean six weeks, but she's respecting you.
15:03
Speaker 3: And Yeah, like I said before, I've had somebody before
15:06
Speaker 3: I've asked for space and they have not given it
15:08
Speaker 3: to me. It's made me pushed me away so far. Yeah,
15:12
Speaker 3: because oh it was a really suffocating feeling, and because
15:17
Speaker 3: we need space sometimes to process things. Yeah, I'm sure
15:21
Speaker 3: if she knows you're frustrated and your feelings towards this,
15:23
Speaker 3: she's just trying to be extra cautious with making sure
15:26
Speaker 3: she's not poking you.
15:28
Speaker 1: Or upsetting you. Yeah, and I also, like I hear
15:30
Speaker 1: that you're not maybe not feeling like a priority. There
15:33
Speaker 1: might be some sisterhood wounds around that. I only say
15:35
Speaker 1: that because I've got sisterhood wounds and I feel you.
15:37
Speaker 1: And it's like if there's abandonment issues or rejection issues,
15:40
Speaker 1: but like if you would have become from a place
15:42
Speaker 1: of understanding, Yes, your friendship's important, but she's also pregnant,
15:46
Speaker 1: she's also just had an affair. She's also just had
15:48
Speaker 1: to tell her husband. She's also got the other guy.
15:50
Speaker 1: Plus she's probably working and like worry about finances. Like
15:52
Speaker 1: this woman has one hundred tabs open, that she is
15:55
Speaker 1: just probably on the verge of a mental breakdown, I
15:57
Speaker 1: would assume, so, like she might not have the capacity
16:01
Speaker 1: to pour into your friendship right now. Yeah, that's where
16:03
Speaker 1: I would be like, just a little bit more and
16:06
Speaker 1: more understanding.
16:07
Speaker 3: Yeah, maybe just take a second and really put yourself
16:10
Speaker 3: in her position. YEA, really sit in it picture as well,
16:13
Speaker 3: that she feels like it's the biggest mistake she's ever
16:15
Speaker 3: made in her life.
16:16
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're not condoning this. We're not saying this is
16:18
Speaker 1: right cheating. I don't agree that whatsoever. I just don't
16:21
Speaker 1: think it's so black and white. I've done a previous
16:23
Speaker 1: episode on it, and I just I don't judge people cheating.
16:26
Speaker 1: I can understand and I can see how it happens. Yeah,
16:29
Speaker 1: how the breakdowns happen, how needs not getting met, where
16:31
Speaker 1: humans were messy. I don't judge it, but I also
16:33
Speaker 1: don't condone it.
16:35
Speaker 3: But it's also blurry because they are in an open relationship.
16:37
Speaker 3: So I feel like that's why it's a bit blurred
16:39
Speaker 3: and it's a bit different ray it is because they're
16:42
Speaker 3: already in an open relationship.
16:44
Speaker 1: So yeah, so yeah, put yourself in her shoes. We're
16:47
Speaker 1: not condoning it, and you don't have to agree with it,
16:49
Speaker 1: and you may never ever do something like that, and
16:51
Speaker 1: that's okay, but I would just definitely be trying to
16:54
Speaker 1: be understanding and if I really valued that friendship, even
16:57
Speaker 1: if she did not tell me this, that would be
17:00
Speaker 1: a further conversation I would have later on, and I
17:01
Speaker 1: would let her know and be like, I'm really sad
17:03
Speaker 1: that you didn't feel safe enough to come and tell me.
17:06
Speaker 1: And I really hope that you can let me know
17:07
Speaker 1: what I can do to make you feel safe for
17:09
Speaker 1: in the future, because I never want you going through
17:10
Speaker 1: this shit alone.
17:11
Speaker 3: I was going through this.
17:12
Speaker 1: I fucking hope that I could rock up at your
17:14
Speaker 1: door and you would just open your arms and just
17:16
Speaker 1: hold me while I cry. You know.
17:18
Speaker 3: Yeah, And even if you would never ever ever do
17:21
Speaker 3: that yourself, doesn't mean you can't accept her for making
17:24
Speaker 3: a mistake. Don mean you can't accept her for doing that.
17:26
Speaker 3: I've got girlfriends now we're like, I'll chat to them
17:28
Speaker 3: and they'll tell me about something they've done in their past,
17:29
Speaker 3: and I'm like, oh my gosh, like that's hechtic. But
17:32
Speaker 3: then I'm like, I love you anyways exactly, and I
17:35
Speaker 3: accept you anyway, and that's part of your stay and
17:37
Speaker 3: I've always loved you, So why would I stop loving
17:39
Speaker 3: you just because of something you did ten years? Have
17:41
Speaker 3: an option? It's not even an option. So I think
17:44
Speaker 3: remembering that she is fucked up, she has done something
17:48
Speaker 3: that obviously has hurt her a lot and hurt other people,
17:50
Speaker 3: and it's.
17:50
Speaker 1: Against your rule because to what you think I'd see it.
17:52
Speaker 3: But you can still accept her anyway. You can still
17:55
Speaker 3: love her.
17:55
Speaker 1: Be there for her if you value her, and you've
17:58
Speaker 1: set up here that you value the friendship more than her,
18:00
Speaker 1: If you truly value that friendship, you'd be there for her.
18:03
Speaker 3: It wouldn't be so conditional. Yeah, I think.
18:07
Speaker 1: So we were a little bit nervous to do this
18:08
Speaker 1: episode because we definitely were like, oh, I feel like
18:10
Speaker 1: we've got a bit of pushback, but we also really
18:12
Speaker 1: admire you for writing in and w a yeah, being
18:15
Speaker 1: brave and wanting our honest opinion because Kiara and I
18:18
Speaker 1: have a very honest friendship. We've also got girlfriends that
18:20
Speaker 1: are very honest and like you encourage.
18:22
Speaker 3: A girlfriends are pretty dune honest it.
18:24
Speaker 1: Is, and I'll like sometimes Steve will say like, oh,
18:27
Speaker 1: I'm not sure you should have said it like that,
18:28
Speaker 1: and I'll be like, shit, okay, I'm going to go
18:30
Speaker 1: back and have a conversation, or I don't know. I
18:32
Speaker 1: think honesty is so important, even if it's uncomfortable, like
18:35
Speaker 1: that transparency and just that unconditional love that they're going
18:37
Speaker 1: to love you regardless of what you say or how
18:40
Speaker 1: it came out. You know their heart's in the right place.
18:43
Speaker 3: And taking accountability. It's not too late to if you
18:45
Speaker 3: listen to this and you're like, oh, I don't really
18:47
Speaker 3: think about it, go to her and say, you know
18:49
Speaker 3: what I've thought about this, I've had in my space.
18:51
Speaker 3: I'm really sorry. I wish I could have held more
18:53
Speaker 3: space for you. I wish I could have been that.
18:54
Speaker 3: I don't agree with what you've done, and I don't
18:56
Speaker 3: agree with everything that's happened, but I wish I could
18:58
Speaker 3: have been a better friend in that.
19:00
Speaker 1: And like a lot came up for me. This brought
19:01
Speaker 1: up stuff and my parents and because that's fair enoughationship
19:05
Speaker 1: and I just felt like sick about it or whatever,
19:07
Speaker 1: you know, whatever. But regardless all that happened, at the
19:10
Speaker 1: end of the day, I still love you and.
19:12
Speaker 3: I want to be here for you. Vulnerability and power.
19:15
Speaker 3: It really is like vulnerability and apologizing, holding yourself accountable
19:20
Speaker 3: and be like, oh my god, I probaly shouldn't done that.
19:21
Speaker 3: Probation and said that goes so far, so much connection,
19:24
Speaker 3: It really does. That's what we're all wanting. Your friendship
19:27
Speaker 3: will be like even stronger because of it.
19:29
Speaker 1: I feel, yeah, yeah, Outif I was to ever go
19:33
Speaker 1: through anything like that, I know I would have my
19:34
Speaker 1: girlfriends there and I'd be really leaning on them.
19:36
Speaker 3: Hey you would need them, Yeah, yeah, you need their support.
19:40
Speaker 3: So I hope that helps.
19:41
Speaker 1: If you don't agree with what is said, that's so okay.
19:43
Speaker 3: This is just our opinion.
19:44
Speaker 1: And this is also I'm sure there's actually so much more,
19:47
Speaker 1: Like imagine if we got to hear the other side
19:49
Speaker 1: of the girl's story. Absolutely this is on your side.
19:51
Speaker 1: I'm sure there's so many layers and more context that
19:53
Speaker 1: we could have been given. So this is like just yeah,
19:56
Speaker 1: one of us had a friend that came to us,
19:58
Speaker 1: is what we would say and what we talk and
19:59
Speaker 1: how we would handle it.
20:00
Speaker 3: Yeah, but if it's not for you, it's not for you.
20:02
Speaker 1: Yeah.
20:03
Speaker 3: And what we always speak about is two people can
20:05
Speaker 3: experience the exact same situation and have two completely different
20:08
Speaker 3: experiences and opinions, journeys and lessons and perspectives and all
20:12
Speaker 3: the other bits from that one particular moment. So that's
20:14
Speaker 3: you know, even like the husband or that this like
20:16
Speaker 3: imagine because you're in the open relationship with the husband's like, oh,
20:19
Speaker 3: I don't mind whatever she had one stuff a local
20:21
Speaker 3: guys like you don't know what everyone else's or he
20:23
Speaker 3: could have been absolutely shattered, like you don't, you don't know.
20:26
Speaker 1: And we've all grown up different backgrounds, different parents, different traumas,
20:30
Speaker 1: different experiences, So like to expect us all to agree
20:33
Speaker 1: and like understand what each other's experience is, it's just
20:36
Speaker 1: such that could be so boring, silly expectation.
20:39
Speaker 3: Yeah, and life is so different boring as if we
20:41
Speaker 3: all thought the exact same way. Yeah.
20:43
Speaker 1: Yeah, So we hope this lends. We hope this is
20:46
Speaker 1: just an invitation and even for everyone else listening, like
20:49
Speaker 1: Kiara and I do this all the time. Just always
20:51
Speaker 1: reflect on how we can do things better, how it
20:53
Speaker 1: can show up with more love and compassion, how we
20:56
Speaker 1: can improve the way we communicate communications so powerful. Yeah,
21:00
Speaker 1: like there's always little bits that we can improve on.
21:04
Speaker 1: So yeah, to reflect on the way that you're showing
21:07
Speaker 1: up and being there for your friends and yourself, holding
21:09
Speaker 1: your boundaries, your standards, what you value, what you don't.
21:12
Speaker 1: Are your friendships aligned anymore? Maybe they're not. That's okay
21:14
Speaker 1: as well, Like so many relays to it, but just
21:17
Speaker 1: take this episode as an invitation to reflect. Yeah, yeah,
21:21
Speaker 1: you hope that helps if anyone else has any questions
21:23
Speaker 1: or situations. We started doing sticky situations when we first.
21:27
Speaker 3: We did, but it was he's so really repetitive.
21:29
Speaker 1: Very repetitive. Yeah, but we do like doing them every
21:32
Speaker 1: out again.
21:33
Speaker 3: Yeah, and when we get one in and we're like, wow,
21:34
Speaker 3: that's really like interesting or yeah, it's fun.
21:37
Speaker 1: Yeah, we'll see you on Friday for a little bite
21:41
Speaker 1: sized bonus episode.
21:42
Speaker 3: Bite sized bonus.
21:46
Speaker 2: Thank you guys,