Latest / Bomb Life / The Sex and Intimacy Repair Kit: A Guide to Deep Connection with Xanet Pailet |327

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The Sex and Intimacy Repair Kit: A Guide to Deep Connection with Xanet Pailet |327 · Bomb Life

0:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to the Bond Life Podcast where fitness, my set and real-talk collide.
0:05
[SPEAKER_01]: This is just about workouts.
0:06
[SPEAKER_01]: It's about transforming your body, mind, and life.
0:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Get ready for unfiltered conversations, expert advice, and the motivation you need to level up in every way.
0:16
[SPEAKER_00]: I love you all ready.
0:17
[SPEAKER_01]: I love you all ready.
0:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm super excited for this conversation.
0:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I love talking about sex on the spot gas.
0:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Today we have Janay Palette on.
0:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to the show, Janay.
0:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much, Melissa.
0:31
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm happy to be here.
0:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Am I saying it right, am I saying Jene right totally said my name right and can I just say that that you told me I don't want your people to know this you told me that we're starting you're starting a new like Recording studio and what I just said to you is like I'm really excited to pop your cherry around this
0:50
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's like, I just like, come on.
0:54
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, we're talking about sex.
0:55
[SPEAKER_01]: So I just, you guys, I knew I loved her from the moment I met her because of that one statement.
1:02
[SPEAKER_01]: It was great.
1:04
[SPEAKER_01]: It was so great.
1:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, we're switching, you guys.
1:07
[SPEAKER_01]: We're switching platforms again.
1:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And my cherry pot today, I love it.
1:11
[SPEAKER_01]: I love it.
1:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Uh, today I can already tell like this is going to be such a good conversation.
1:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, what I saw you come across, you know, because getting like pitches.
1:21
[SPEAKER_01]: people to come on the show, I was like, yes, please, when can we get her on because this is amazing.
1:30
[SPEAKER_01]: I love talking about sex.
1:32
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that it makes like people squirm it.
1:36
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know what I'm saying.
1:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Same page.
1:39
[SPEAKER_01]: I just, I love, and that's not what I do.
1:42
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I do sex, but that's not my profession, but I love the connection between someone's health and fitness journey and health.
1:51
[SPEAKER_01]: intimacy, their relationship, all of that's connected.
1:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Totally.
1:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.
1:58
[SPEAKER_00]: That's actually sexual health and wellness and health and exercises are intricately related for sure.
2:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Hunter for Slime.
2:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so health and fitness with your sex life, I don't know and I can't say this enough.
2:13
[SPEAKER_01]: How important is for everything to flow?
2:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Like if you're killing it in the gym and you're crushing it and stuff that you go home and like you feel like you're being rejected or you don't want to have sex to partner or there's tension there you just have a roommate like that's a problem and that will halt you in the gym too.
2:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Mm-hmm, I could totally see that.
2:34
[SPEAKER_00]: So I've often like recommended that people take kickboxing lessons or, you know, start working out to really get back into their body, right?
2:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Because that's one of the ways in which you can start to be connected with yourself and feel good and feel sexy and feel strong.
2:51
[SPEAKER_00]: all of which is important for you to get that desire back as well.
2:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, well, like chemically, the hormones that a women produces and it keeps our testosterone on him much, but it keeps it high and healthy and, yeah, all of that's connected.
3:07
[SPEAKER_01]: You had sent me in, like, I guess it kind of like a little bio.
3:10
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like a little description of you.
3:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I've got to read this because I read it.
3:15
[SPEAKER_01]: And it like, I don't know, I could relate.
3:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I left a 17 year marriage.
3:20
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm divorced.
3:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And so when I was just kind of reading yours, I was like, oh, that speaks to me.
3:25
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm gonna read it real quick, okay?
3:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, okay.
3:28
[SPEAKER_01]: And then, and then we'll ask questions stuff.
3:30
[SPEAKER_01]: But I want our listeners to hear this because it's written very well in its shorts not long.
3:35
[SPEAKER_01]: You said I spent 26 years in a sexless marriage and learned why desire does it disappear?
3:42
[SPEAKER_01]: It goes underground.
3:44
[SPEAKER_01]: For decades, my life looks successful from the outside.
3:48
[SPEAKER_01]: I was married, raising children, building a career and doing everything right, yet behind closed doors, intimacy slowly faded.
3:55
[SPEAKER_01]: We weren't fighting.
3:56
[SPEAKER_01]: We weren't dramatic.
3:58
[SPEAKER_01]: We were disconnected.
3:59
[SPEAKER_01]: And by the time our children left home, there was nothing left to bridge the gap.
4:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Leaving that marriage at 50, meant 50.
4:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, leaving that marriage at 50 meant dismantling everything I believed about love, safety, and myself before becoming a sex and intimacy coach.
4:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I was a healthcare attorney, high-achieving analytical, and deeply disconnected from my body.
4:25
[SPEAKER_01]: personal wrecking forced me to confront what most couples never named, desire doesn't die because of age, hormones, or time.
4:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, it disappears when emotional safety erodes, communication shuts down and the body stops feeling invited into the relationship.
4:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And today you help couples and individuals rebuild intimacy from the inside out emotionally physically and erratically without shame or pressure.
4:53
[SPEAKER_01]: So nay, oh my god, so many things in this, and I know people are it that are listening right now that are in relationships that just aren't thriving in this area, and they've just accepted.
5:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Second best.
5:10
[SPEAKER_00]: I think this is just the way it is.
5:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And I've heard one woman ask, this was like, I don't know, like a coaching caller or something or I don't know.
5:20
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know.
5:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I could have known my friends, but I'll never forget.
5:22
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't even know where it came from.
5:24
[SPEAKER_01]: And they've been married years, probably 20 plus adult children.
5:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And they weren't having sex and she asked him.
5:33
[SPEAKER_01]: And she wanted to.
5:34
[SPEAKER_01]: She was open to it like whatever, but they had been having sex in forever.
5:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And she said, well, you know, what do you think is this normal?
5:43
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I don't know, I've asked other people and I think this is just normal as you get older like couples just you just don't really have sex anymore.
5:50
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just not a thing.
5:52
[SPEAKER_01]: And they go completely fine with that answer.
5:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
5:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sorry.
5:57
[SPEAKER_01]: What?
5:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's coming.
6:00
[SPEAKER_01]: That's not normal.
6:04
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, statistically, Melissa, you know, right, 15 to 20% of couples are in a sexless marriage.
6:12
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's a pretty high percentage, particularly in long-term relationships, like 15, 20 plus years.
6:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
6:21
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think that is not uncommon.
6:27
[SPEAKER_00]: for for people to be in that place.
6:29
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't have to be in that place, but I think for many people it's like I don't know how to get out of this place, right?
6:36
[SPEAKER_00]: It's too uncomfortable.
6:37
[SPEAKER_00]: It's too confronting.
6:40
[SPEAKER_00]: It's too scary.
6:42
[SPEAKER_00]: great and so so many people like just want to avoid the conversation for so many different reasons because they feel shame about it.
6:50
[SPEAKER_00]: They feel guilty about it.
6:52
[SPEAKER_00]: I always say to people like if you're really both okay, like if you're really truly both okay, not having sex, that's fine.
7:01
[SPEAKER_00]: You get to
7:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, but under, but often, that's not the case.
7:10
[SPEAKER_00]: Often, there's one person that actually wants sex, higher person with the higher desire, the lower desire not so much.
7:17
[SPEAKER_00]: I knew I wanted to date again, but I didn't know how to address the fact that I hated having sex.
7:25
[SPEAKER_01]: I have a problem going into the table.
7:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Kind of a problem when you're 50 years old and you want to date.
7:30
[SPEAKER_00]: So it forced me to really take a look at this issue.
7:35
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is a long story.
7:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I write about it in my first book, Living and Organic Life.
7:42
[SPEAKER_00]: But, you know, Tantra and Sacred Sexuality became the doorway for me.
7:46
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was just like,
7:49
[SPEAKER_00]: That I was dating somebody in New York, I'd started dating somebody in New York who had just gone to a taunt or a workshop.
7:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And he knew that sex was difficult for me.
8:00
[SPEAKER_00]: And he offered like a night of goddess worship.
8:03
[SPEAKER_00]: That's actually how my first book starts.
8:05
[SPEAKER_01]: It wasn't easy, you know, God is worse.
8:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I know, it was, right, it ended up being amazing because it was a completely different experience for me around sexuality, and I'd ever had before.
8:17
[SPEAKER_00]: And that was like the very beginning of like, oh, maybe I'm not broken, maybe there's hope for me yet.
8:24
[SPEAKER_00]: And that from there, I just took a really deep dive into like initially tantra, and then I left New York
8:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, and then I just like expanded and did all of these different training programs for me, like for me, because I needed to work on my own sexuality.
8:43
[SPEAKER_00]: I needed to heal my own trauma.
8:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
8:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, but ultimately it led me after a year or two to realize, like, kind of really want to do this like other stuff I was doing anymore.
8:54
[SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't really loving it and that I felt like, oh, like,
8:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe this is what I was putting on this Earth to do, like I love us to do that, and so like I come come from it, you know, I come from it from like a wounded healer with so many people do in the therapy world.
9:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And that was like that's how it happened.
9:13
[SPEAKER_01]: I fully stand behind that because I know like where I come from as a coach and a trainer and things that I do.
9:20
[SPEAKER_01]: It's because I have grown and healed from so much in my life and where I've come from, you know, and that gives me the knowledge and the space and the empathy and the understanding, you know, you can relate to all of that, yeah, to be able to build space for clients and be like, oh, no, I got it.
9:41
[SPEAKER_01]: And you can't bullshit a bullshitter.
9:51
[SPEAKER_01]: We know we've we've yeah sure I love your story and you guys I just I have to say I know I say in the intro and you guys will have everything in the show notes and stuff too, but the name of her book and you're bestselling author of living in our gazmic life and the sex and intimacy repair kit are both out right now.
10:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, so living in your orgasmic life has been out since 2018 and the sex and intimacy repair kit was just published a month ago.
10:21
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's a brand new brand new book and it's really focused on couples who are having challenges around sexuality and sexless marriages.
10:30
[SPEAKER_00]: That's really what that focus is for that.
10:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
10:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
10:33
[SPEAKER_01]: What's the focus for living in orgasmic life?
10:37
[SPEAKER_00]: The focus for living an orgasmic life is more about my own part of it is my own story of how excuse me, I went from being like sexually shut down and traumatized to my own sexual awakening and healing journey with client anecdotes along the ways, like the first half of the book is all the things that block you from having sexual pleasure and the second part of the book is
11:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, I got to talk about like emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy with you because this is a big topic and I have other questions too that I want to share with you that I've gotten from clients and people that wrote in and things like that and.
11:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Just talking about this.
11:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I think we'll answer a lot of the questions too because I don't I don't know if people put together And this goes for men and women like men listen up.
11:37
[SPEAKER_01]: You really need to know this and women You need to understand this a how much that emotional intimacy and like a woman feeling safe Directly impacts her being like the sex kid you wanted to be in bed
11:54
[SPEAKER_00]: That's why I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to do a little show until all right that's why this book was written right because what I've realized and working with so many couples I've been doing this work for 15 years and I've been doing I've facilitated over like 120
12:12
[SPEAKER_00]: couples retreats individual retreats in Asheville like one-on-one with a couple over five day period plus group retreats what I've learned and also in my own personal journey around intimacy which is different than science.
12:30
[SPEAKER_00]: It was easy to heal the sex, but you used your real sex part for me, then it was to actually heal the intimacy piece.
12:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I was so shut down and emotionally constipated on it, but what I've learned through lived experience and my work with couples is that you can't get to sex until you actually feel very solid in the emotional safety with your partner.
12:58
[SPEAKER_00]: That is a precursor to be able to open yourself up to really sexuality because it's almost like a nervous system, regulation issue, like the nervous system, our nervous system is very protective of us, and when we don't feel safe, it shuts us down, it shuts down our desire.
13:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
13:20
[SPEAKER_00]: It shuts down, you know, our everything.
13:23
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, you know, what I know from lived experience and from all the work I've done is that
13:29
[SPEAKER_00]: when I work with couples on my retreats.
13:31
[SPEAKER_00]: And let me say that my process is a very immersive experiential process because my philosophy around sexuality and intimacy is that you can't talk your way into better sex and better intimacy.
13:47
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to feel your way into it.
13:49
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to have a lived experience in your body.
13:53
[SPEAKER_00]: And that is my background.
13:54
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a very somatic experiential way.
13:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, but when when I start with the emotional safety and the emotional connection and letting people start to remember that this is somebody I can actually be honest with and create the container when that happens everything settles down right and then we can start looking at sexuality.
14:21
[SPEAKER_00]: But that's, that is a primary.
14:24
[SPEAKER_00]: And one of the things that makes it really challenging is the differences in the genders, generally speaking, because for most women, we can't be sexually open.
14:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Whereas you said, I can't be your sex kit to me.
14:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Until I feel emotionally connected and safe.
14:44
[SPEAKER_00]: And for many men, that emotional connection and safety
14:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Hmm.
14:54
[SPEAKER_00]: So there's this big disconnect with men, you know, and again, I don't like to over generalize this, but that is the experience that I've had and I think it's pretty well known that a lot of men go to, you know, go to
15:18
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't understand that right.
15:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
15:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And it makes so much sense.
15:22
[SPEAKER_00]: It does.
15:23
[SPEAKER_00]: And unfortunately for men and I tell them tell my guys on this all the time, like the wind and hold the cards.
15:30
[SPEAKER_00]: They just do it.
15:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, right.
15:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
15:32
[SPEAKER_00]: So because of that.
15:34
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, we have to figure out a way where you both feel safe finding that emotional connection.
15:40
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's something that everybody wants.
15:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Sure.
15:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
15:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you know, it's a basic human need of feeling safe, right?
15:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Not just physical safety, but emotional safety, but I think a lot of men have a harder time Understanding it and expressing it and sex becomes the one way that they can get there.
15:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, because they're like,
16:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's just do it because then you're going to feel good and I'm going to feel good and we're going to have that connection and the woman's like right I need this before we get there and you know I think a lot of men don't understand either because I've heard this come out of guys mouth and it's so interesting because they're like what do you mean she doesn't feel safe like I protect her you have a house you have a car you have money to spend everything.
16:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, what more do you want?
16:31
[SPEAKER_01]: How could you not feel safe?
16:32
[SPEAKER_01]: I've heard those before.
16:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
16:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, yes.
16:35
[SPEAKER_00]: And it makes this very confused.
16:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
16:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And then there's a woman you feel like, oh my god, am I ungrateful?
16:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, what is wrong with me?
16:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I should just be happy.
16:42
[SPEAKER_01]: It should just lay down for him.
16:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Like,
16:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and they don't understand that the safety is like you being the rock you being emotionally stable.
16:53
[SPEAKER_01]: So when I fall apart because I'm about to start my period or something, you know, you have that space to like hold us.
17:00
[SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, and then also there's the opposite side to it as well.
17:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
17:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Because like what what, you know, I have this t-shirt.
17:07
[SPEAKER_00]: It says vulnerability is sexy.
17:10
[SPEAKER_00]: It's actually attractive in my, in my new book, right?
17:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, the emotional safety happens.
17:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, you know, we want somebody different to hold us.
17:18
[SPEAKER_00]: But, you know, what is vulnerability, right?
17:22
[SPEAKER_00]: Vulnerability is, you know, being able to show that your human,
17:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, and letting your partners show them that show you that their human, which makes us feel less ashamed of our humanness.
17:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, right.
17:39
[SPEAKER_00]: We need to both be able to be like, yeah, here I am.
17:44
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm showing up this way, but underneath it, I have all of these fears and all of this stuff that I'm bringing into this relationship and my childhood wounds.
17:53
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm scared that you might leave me because you're rejecting me, right?
17:57
[SPEAKER_00]: That's the part that needs to get exposed because then it's like, oh, okay.
18:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Now I can trust you.
18:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Not that I, it's true, right?
18:07
[SPEAKER_00]: And I have the same issue, right?
18:08
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not like I don't think you're going to hurt me that, you know, there's no physical safety issue.
18:12
[SPEAKER_00]: I have that house.
18:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I have everything I need, but I need to feel like I can trust your heart, right?
18:19
[SPEAKER_00]: And that I can, you can see me for who I am.
18:24
[SPEAKER_00]: And most importantly, because I hear this all the time, you let me in, right?
18:29
[SPEAKER_00]: You let me in to see you for who you are.
18:32
[SPEAKER_00]: You show me that other side of you, which we all have.
18:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes I have to dig to get it out of people.
18:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Both women and men are both.
18:45
[SPEAKER_00]: If there is, you know, situational we who's, you know, who's more avoidance in the relationship is usually the person that's more scared to be vulnerable and open up.
18:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and I, I see a lot of men too because I'm talking about like be the rock don't be like an emotional bitch like Have a bad day and then come home and yell at me and take it out at everyone and then just ignore me and ignore everyone else and then we have to walk around on egg shells because we don't know what kind of mood dad is in
19:18
[SPEAKER_01]: you know, like that, but then also like like you said being vulnerable, coming home and like talking and sharing and letting me in and making me feel like a partner.
19:29
[SPEAKER_01]: And so you're not carrying that all alone.
19:30
[SPEAKER_01]: That's my God, all because that's what creates the distance, right?
19:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Like that's actually what creates the distance in the relationship of feeling like,
19:41
[SPEAKER_00]: We're really not on the same wavelength.
19:43
[SPEAKER_00]: We're really not connecting like I'm feeling kind of lonely, even though you're living with me and sleeping in my bad and we're doing stuff together, right?
19:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Especially if you have children, but I actually feel lonely.
19:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
19:57
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's what we want to address first to help really allow
20:04
[SPEAKER_00]: sexuality to come back online.
20:07
[SPEAKER_00]: It's awesome.
20:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I got this question.
20:11
[SPEAKER_01]: I got this question before on another episode that we've done on sex and intimacy.
20:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And I love hearing different responses from different professionals and coaches and therapists and stuff.
20:25
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's the one about like
20:34
[SPEAKER_01]: on set more and the other person doesn't.
20:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And we see it both ways and I see it more on the woman's side only because I work with more women typically and they're like getting a shape and feeling good and losing weight and they're like, hey, and he's not yet and he's like,
20:54
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm tired, you know, I worked all day and like there's a lot of excuses, but I note in the world of you look out in society, it looks more like men want to in women don't, and they're shutting the man down.
21:05
[SPEAKER_00]: It's about 50, honestly, I think it's about 50, 50, I think.
21:10
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think it really does vary from person to person in relationship to relationship.
21:16
[SPEAKER_00]: So the high high libido low libido piece right has there's no one answer to it.
21:24
[SPEAKER_00]: It's it's it's always layered and complicated, right?
21:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and again for me.
21:30
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, as somebody who looks at the emotional safety, the emotional foundation as the foundation of a sexual relationship, the first thing I'm looking at is like, what's going on in the relationship, right?
21:43
[SPEAKER_00]: And very often there is something going on in the relationship with the lower libido partner who is feeling then rejected a lot or criticized a lot or there's been resentment that's never been expressed right all of which like shuts down your libido.
22:00
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's the first thing I always you know want would would want to look at.
22:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Or can I just interject there for a second put it to that he's just not that into her and so it looks like low libido or maybe he's I mean, I mean, I mean,
22:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, those are all that that's all showed up.
22:22
[SPEAKER_00]: Those are all possibilities.
22:24
[SPEAKER_01]: But again, to your point that it's all relationship.
22:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Look at them.
22:27
[SPEAKER_01]: It is.
22:28
[SPEAKER_01]: That would be a real relationship.
22:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that would be a rooted now.
22:31
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm having an affair because my emotional needs aren't getting that.
22:34
[SPEAKER_00]: My, you know, my sexual needs aren't getting that, right?
22:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, what happened in this relationship two years ago, where things started falling apart, where somebody didn't feel safe to express what was going on, where you started feeling lonely and distant in this mayor, right?
22:51
[SPEAKER_00]: So, yeah.
22:51
[SPEAKER_00]: So, like I said, it could be a lot of different reasons.
22:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Clearly, also, maybe this doesn't pertain as much to the clients that you're talking about, but certainly as women age.
23:03
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, our desire shifts from spontaneous desire to more responsive desire, right?
23:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Which is kind of like the Nike just do it.
23:12
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's true, right?
23:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you know, it's our hormones drop and our testosterone, estrogen levels drop.
23:19
[SPEAKER_00]: We think less about sex very often.
23:22
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not so spontaneous, but if we start getting turned on or touched in the way we like to be touched or something partner comes and whispers in your ear, your body starts to begin to respond.
23:37
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's interesting.
23:38
[SPEAKER_00]: All responsive desire, that's huge, especially as women are going through aging, going through menopause, et cetera.
23:49
[SPEAKER_00]: possibilities why there is mismatched desire and other big peace, which most people don't talk about, is something called core desires and you've heard of that.
23:59
[SPEAKER_00]: No.
23:59
[SPEAKER_01]: No.
24:00
[SPEAKER_00]: So core desires are the emotions that you want to have during sex.
24:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Now what's happening, not like I want to have an orgasm, but how do you want to feel emotionally and they really relate back to, believe it or not, soothing your childhood wounds.
24:18
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's very interesting.
24:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Let me give you an example of this because I work.
24:22
[SPEAKER_00]: This really helps unlock it for many, many people.
24:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
24:26
[SPEAKER_00]: So let's say that you're somebody who really wants to be taken, like you're high achieving women, right?
24:37
[SPEAKER_00]: You're the CEO of your company, you're managing all the shit, you're doing all the things, you're totally responsible, like the buck stops with you.
24:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Exhausting, right?
24:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
24:47
[SPEAKER_00]: But.
24:49
[SPEAKER_00]: what you really want in the bedroom is to be taken.
24:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Speaking to me, you want to be ravished, right?
24:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you want to be like, you know, bound so that you're like totally in a submissive space.
25:05
[SPEAKER_00]: So that you don't have to do anything that you don't have to take control anymore.
25:10
[SPEAKER_00]: But what your partner offers you is what they think they should offer you, which is like nice, sweet, like making love.
25:20
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not a turn on, right?
25:24
[SPEAKER_00]: That need, that desire, that core desire isn't being met.
25:28
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that core desire goes back to like a childhood wound, so for example, you were a child who at a very early age had to take care of yourself or take care of other people in the family and had to be responsible.
25:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, so often that's where I'm not often.
25:44
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, we show up back that way.
25:47
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a huge reason why low libido partners are low libido because they don't even know what they want to feel emotionally and they're not getting it.
26:00
[SPEAKER_00]: interesting.
26:01
[SPEAKER_01]: God is so it's so fascinating.
26:04
[SPEAKER_01]: We like how deep the stuff really goes and like you're gonna miss it.
26:09
[SPEAKER_01]: You're gonna completely miss it if you don't have these conversations in really, really figure out who you are and what you want, you know.
26:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
26:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And then that doesn't even bring into like the programming that we get is kids like there's probably women that were like kind of squirming in their seat and got uncomfortable when you talked about being bound, you know, or like Like dominated in the bedroom like, oh my god, don't talk about that like what like that's like book fantasy stuff and it's like,
26:38
[SPEAKER_00]: We haven't had many women in the reading room, and they had to see, but no, it's like the largest genre in the book world right now, right?
26:46
[SPEAKER_01]: So for a reason, yeah, but yeah, it just goes to show how important it is to just be honest with yourself and like have these conversations.
26:57
[SPEAKER_01]: not be yeah and to explore it just not be afraid like both of us can probably sit there and just be like man my life and my world would be so different if we didn't take control at a later stage in life and be like I'm not going to accept this anymore right right like you have the future scary totally unknown like what the fuck am I going to do I don't know but like
27:23
[SPEAKER_01]: It's got to be better than where I'm at right now.
27:26
[SPEAKER_01]: There's got to be more to life.
27:29
[SPEAKER_01]: This one life that we get than just experiencing this and just being okay with this or yeah completely now.
27:38
[SPEAKER_00]: That was my that was my word.
27:39
[SPEAKER_00]: That was my mantra like my question.
27:41
[SPEAKER_00]: I asked myself was, is this all that life?
27:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Is this all that life is at you know, 49.
27:48
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like camping.
27:50
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't go to be better in this.
27:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
27:53
[SPEAKER_00]: It's got to be more right.
27:55
[SPEAKER_00]: I've had a really great life and there's got to be more here.
27:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, what, what's something that people are doing in their relationship right now?
28:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Like they think it's helping that it's actually like really destroying the relationship.
28:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Can you think of anything that you see right now like a common thread or that you've seen often or
28:14
[SPEAKER_00]: I see a lot of common threads, but they think it's having, oh, I think one of the things that I think people think are helping is that when they get into conflict with their partner, one of two things happen, either one of them tries to fix it right away, like immediately tries to fix it, which doesn't help, it actually makes it worse, or most frequently, they just like, yeah, you know, and they shove it under the rug and nobody ends up talking about it.
28:42
[SPEAKER_00]: but resentment starts building up and then that same pattern shows up again and again and again and again.
28:50
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think people think that like, oh, I'm totally fine.
28:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I'm not, I'm not really upset when they really are.
28:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
28:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And they're afraid to confront the partner because, you know, we don't want to cause pain to each other, right?
29:08
[SPEAKER_00]: But we are meant to cause pain to each other because that's what happens in a romantic relationship.
29:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
29:16
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like the question is like, how do you deal with that?
29:21
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you avoid it, you're going to end up building up a lot of resentment and then something's going to blow up.
29:28
[SPEAKER_00]: It's going to affect your sex life without doubt and other parts of your relationship.
29:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
29:33
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you try to fix it in the moment for most people, not going to get fixed.
29:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
29:40
[SPEAKER_00]: It's because when, you know, when you're triggered and you're partner is triggered, there is no adult in the room.
29:47
[SPEAKER_00]: There are only two very wounded little children that we know.
29:50
[SPEAKER_00]: We've seen them on a playground.
29:52
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't know how to repair a conduit.
29:56
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's a problem.
29:57
[SPEAKER_00]: And I always tell people like, and then it's usually like an attachment,
30:02
[SPEAKER_00]: issue the person who's more anxious will try to fix the relationship or they that's what they feel you know like oh I can fix this I'm going to fix this and it doesn't fix it no it just makes it worse it creates more and more and more disconnection yeah and we're speaking as a person that's more like anxious attachment that's that's me and I'm like
30:26
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to have the discomfort.
30:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to, you know, I don't want to like it be uncomfortable like we need to fix this.
30:32
[SPEAKER_01]: I need to know everything is okay.
30:34
[SPEAKER_01]: I need to know that you love me.
30:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
30:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
30:37
[SPEAKER_00]: That is pure anxious attached.
30:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
30:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
30:41
[SPEAKER_01]: That's my middle name Melissa anxious attachment and And I never knew that.
30:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't know any of this when I was married.
30:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
30:50
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't know any of this and
30:54
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm okay with it, like I know it now, so now I know I can go, okay, breathe, pause, think about this, what age?
31:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Melissa, are you right now?
31:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Is this, is this scared little like eight year old you?
31:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, because this is an adult badass, boss malice right now.
31:17
[SPEAKER_00]: And take a break, right?
31:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, yes, you know, you got to come down, repairing conflict is critical, but you've got to come down.
31:24
[SPEAKER_00]: You've got to both be down off your triggers so that you can actually have an adult conversation to be able to repair, right?
31:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Which is super important.
31:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, tell me about these retreats because I am sure, do you have another one coming up soon?
31:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know after that happened.
31:43
[SPEAKER_00]: So I do, I offer private retreats in Asheville.
31:48
[SPEAKER_00]: So I live in Asheville, North Carolina, and I offer private retreats with couples.
31:54
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's one couple at a time and me, over a generally four, sometimes five day period of time where we do something like somewhere between 13 and 16 hours of one-on-one coaching in like three hour blocks.
32:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And they're incredibly effective.
32:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I have a lot of couples come to me in sexist marriages, sometimes on they're on the verge of separation, sometimes it's a fair recovery.
32:22
[SPEAKER_00]: Occasionally it's like we just want to have better sex, which is great.
32:27
[SPEAKER_00]: but that's not necessarily the norm.
32:32
[SPEAKER_00]: And we do a really deep dive on their specific issues.
32:36
[SPEAKER_00]: It's completely personalized to what's going on in their relationship, right?
32:43
[SPEAKER_00]: So no retreat is similar.
32:45
[SPEAKER_00]: They may have similar elements to it, but no retreat is similar.
32:50
[SPEAKER_00]: And one of the reasons, like I have close to a 90%.
32:54
[SPEAKER_00]: success rate on couples leaving and and feeling more connected 30 days later, 60 days later, 90 days later, like there's a lot of major shifts that actually happen and I think part of that reason is a because there are mercies so we're doing it's not talk therapy remember my philosophy you can't talk your way into better sex you've got to still hear way into it right so it's not talk therapy
33:21
[SPEAKER_00]: It's actually an immersive, even when we're doing intimacy work, we're doing exercises.
33:26
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm asking them what are you noticing in your body when you look in your partner's eyes.
33:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Very powerful practice.
33:33
[SPEAKER_00]: What emotions are showing up, right?
33:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, so it's a very immersive experiential space and because we're all in this very safe container together when their stuff comes up and it does right we're able to deal with it and process it and examine it in real time and that's a very different experience that most couples have from from therapy when they have an hour typically right.
34:05
[SPEAKER_00]: and they're just coming and dealing with the shit that happened last week, but they don't get to really go into the patterns.
34:14
[SPEAKER_00]: But here it's like, I'll give you some practices and you go back to the very sexy Airbnb that we have with a hot tub and a sex chair and a swing and games.
34:25
[SPEAKER_00]: It's lovely, right?
34:26
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a big master of that, King size bed.
34:31
[SPEAKER_00]: And then when you come back the next day and I'm like, so how did that go?
34:35
[SPEAKER_00]: And you were like, well, like, I, it didn't go well.
34:39
[SPEAKER_00]: This is what happened.
34:40
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like, great.
34:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Then we get to like, understand, oh, look, what happened?
34:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you try, you, you went too quickly.
34:47
[SPEAKER_00]: And she shut down, right?
34:50
[SPEAKER_00]: What if we try it this way instead?
34:52
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's a very hands-on process where we can,
34:56
[SPEAKER_00]: I identify the patterns in real time and then begin to shift my god.
35:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that because yeah, you get to see like what worked Okay, great that didn't work Not we'll see you next week and we'll talk about it.
35:11
[SPEAKER_00]: I except you can remember Right right right right before all the other stuff all the other stuff that shows life is happening around you, but you know, right that down in the journal and bring it with you
35:26
[SPEAKER_00]: I know.
35:26
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I do once a year hold a group retreat in Costa Rica, a group couples retreat.
35:33
[SPEAKER_00]: So I usually have somewhere from 8 to 10 couples in this just beautiful luxurious I've star setting in the middle of the jungle on the beach where it's also very immersive, you know, experiencing and we're accessing
35:48
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, nature like we go to this gorgeous river and we put blue clay all over ourselves and we do a ritual of like getting rid of some of the Resetments and things that have been, you know, stuck between us, um, those kind of things to cow ceremonies, right?
36:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And also like really taking deep dives into emotional experiential connections and
36:13
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and physical as well.
36:15
[SPEAKER_00]: It's beautiful.
36:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Send me an invite.
36:18
[SPEAKER_00]: I will.
36:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I would totally go.
36:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I would totally get my partner to go and be a boss of you.
36:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Part of that.
36:25
[SPEAKER_01]: It just sounds incredible in what you're doing it.
36:29
[SPEAKER_01]: And you know, both retreats.
36:32
[SPEAKER_01]: I got to believe that part of it is why it's so successful and it works is because like they're leaving with tools to learn, not a band aid.
36:42
[SPEAKER_01]: but tools to learn to keep this going after.
36:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
36:47
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's part of why I wrote the book, The Sex and Interimacy Repair Kit.
36:51
[SPEAKER_00]: It's chock full of tools of, you know, different practices in other books too, like different practices.
36:58
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, that's the coaching model, right?
37:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Like the coaching model is I'm going to give you tools.
37:04
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to help you figure your stuff out.
37:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And hopefully you can just go, you know, you won't need me six months from now.
37:10
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
37:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Like you have the tools.
37:13
[SPEAKER_00]: And that is important.
37:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Like everybody needs to understand that right to be a long time to understand and listen that like, you know, both intimacy and sex are.
37:25
[SPEAKER_00]: things that you can learn how to do, right?
37:29
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not like one person is more inclined to know how to be emotionally open and intimate.
37:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Those are all experiences that you can learn all of it.
37:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that.
37:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And that just gives us such hope too.
37:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Like you're not a lost cause.
37:46
[SPEAKER_01]: This can be learned.
37:48
[SPEAKER_01]: What we're not taught this is there is there any I don't know something that you can share like a practice or like a ritual that you teach that like you could give you know give us before we have to say goodbye that like listeners can try and do with their partner today.
38:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so I think one of my favorite and it's really like paradigm shifting practice that I teach people is how to touch.
38:16
[SPEAKER_00]: And what I mean by how to touch is that most of the time when we're touching our partner, we're touching them in a way that we think they want to be touched.
38:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
38:28
[SPEAKER_00]: What we're skipping out on.
38:31
[SPEAKER_00]: is touching them in a way that feels good to us.
38:34
[SPEAKER_00]: So that shifts things so quickly because first of all, if I'm touching you in a way that I think feels good to me, and I'm really A, I'm focused on the sensation in my hand when I'm touching you.
38:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
38:49
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm much more present with my touch, which feels way better for the person being touched because we all know how annoying it is when we have somebody touching us in a way that doesn't feel good, but we can't really explain to them what doesn't feel good.
39:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
39:05
[SPEAKER_00]: And a lot of times it's just that they're touches and very present, they're just performing and their attention is on you.
39:14
[SPEAKER_00]: rather than their attention being on their own sensation.
39:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Makes sense, right?
39:18
[SPEAKER_00]: And that really shifts things for people in so many different ways, like, you know, thinking about like even oral sex for a lot of women at issues around, like, well, what if you think about it as like, how do I make my mouth feel good?
39:31
[SPEAKER_00]: How do I make my cheeks feel good?
39:33
[SPEAKER_00]: How do I make, you know, my tongue feel good?
39:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
39:37
[SPEAKER_00]: As opposed to I am performing something to get you off.
39:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, interesting.
39:44
[SPEAKER_01]: I guess I've never looked at like that.
39:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, and the whole time you were talking, I'm thinking of like, a hug or handholding or just, you know, hands on body.
39:52
[SPEAKER_01]: I wasn't thinking, or so, so glad you brought that up.
39:55
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like, then it's a little because a lot of women do struggle with that and then like a lot of that in.
40:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I think the whole role could be reverse to is guy going down in a girl, you know, same thing, right?
40:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, can you stop focusing so much on that outcome and more focus on like your your experience around it, right?
40:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Because we sense in our bodies when somebody's performing, right?
40:20
[SPEAKER_00]: When they're not like really in their body and they're not, you know, doing
40:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, last question for you, because I know I've kept you on for a long time now.
40:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, good.
40:36
[SPEAKER_01]: How can people really know the difference between like a normal dry season?
40:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Like this is just normal, right?
40:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
40:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And one where relationship is like actually in trouble.
40:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I think that would be a good thing that and on and letting our whisters know like, hey, this is how you can tell.
40:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Can you tell?
40:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Is there a way to know?
40:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, you can.
40:58
[SPEAKER_00]: If you have some a lot of self-awareness, so let's normalize it.
41:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Everybody goes through spells, right?
41:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe because you're super stressed out, you're super busy.
41:11
[SPEAKER_00]: There's hormonal changes.
41:12
[SPEAKER_00]: There's medical stuff like we go through spell, right?
41:16
[SPEAKER_00]: That's normal.
41:18
[SPEAKER_00]: How long that spell lasts would be one factor that I would consider?
41:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, oh, this has been going on for nine months.
41:27
[SPEAKER_00]: that's maybe something to take a look at versus this has been going on for four months or five months right and there's a reason that there's something going on around it.
41:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Second like or we communicating about this.
41:39
[SPEAKER_00]: This is a conversation that we're having like hey baby like I'm super stressed out, you know I just got this new job I really don't have any I really don't have any libido or you know I'm saying like is there conversation around it which is like that's safety that's like okay
41:58
[SPEAKER_00]: are we able to communicate what our needs are versus when we're in trouble for me.
42:03
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like we're in trouble when we're not talking about it.
42:06
[SPEAKER_00]: We're in trouble when there's no connection between the two of us.
42:11
[SPEAKER_00]: We're in trouble when we start feeling lonely.
42:15
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that's a very
42:24
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's saying you can't come out from it.
42:25
[SPEAKER_00]: You absolutely can, but that's a huge signal that like things are not okay.
42:29
[SPEAKER_01]: I think that's a really good point.
42:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
42:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
42:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
42:33
[SPEAKER_01]: My God.
42:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Jan, I feel like we could talk for hours on this.
42:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Like we might have to have you back again, because there's so many I had to come back.
42:42
[SPEAKER_01]: We didn't like we didn't even get to that so many things, but
42:47
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to, I'm just going to encourage everyone right now to get your book, living in an orgasmic life and the sex and intimacy repair kit will put all to come come to my retreats and go yes and go to the retreats 100% will put all the links that we have and everything into the show notes but tell us where can people find you where can they go to look at the retreat information and contact you and you can go to my website which
43:16
[SPEAKER_00]: passionate intimacy retreats dot com.
43:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Perfect.
43:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I just we cannot have enough conversations around this and I agree to like give you for thank you for having these conversations and and bringing people into have these conversations.
43:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
43:32
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, we need to continue to like spread the world.
43:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, people deserve it, you know, and like, yeah, think of how much better the world will be if people are, you know, like, fully feeling their relationship and intimacy, everyone's having the amount of sex that they should be having or gazzams.
43:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.
43:52
[SPEAKER_00]: It's good for the environment people.
43:55
[SPEAKER_01]: have sex.
43:55
[SPEAKER_01]: It's good for the environment, but this is great.
43:57
[SPEAKER_01]: We definitely have to connect again.
44:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for coming on.
44:01
[SPEAKER_01]: You're you're too blessing to the show and we'll make sure we put everything in the show notes and people can find you and like to you and and we'll definitely be in touch.
44:08
[SPEAKER_01]: So thank you.
44:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Sounds great.
44:10
[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for having me, bye everybody.
44:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Everyone stay safe.
44:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Stay healthy until next time.
44:15
[SPEAKER_01]: The Bomb Life Podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes elements.
44:18
[SPEAKER_01]: The content shared here is not intended as a medical legal or professional advice.
44:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Always consult with the qualified professionals if we're making any health fitness financial or legal decisions.
44:26
[SPEAKER_01]: The opinions shared on this podcast are personal experiences and insights.
44:30
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you need expert guidance, go find the right professional for you.
44:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for listening.