Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Your Wife Has No Idea What Turns You On

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Your Wife Has No Idea What Turns You On · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Cyclops show today. I am going to be talking about
• 0:11
  that your wife has no idea what turns you on.
• 0:14
  Even if you think you've told her, you've not.
• 0:17
  If you're at all anything less than happy with your sex life,
• 0:22
  it is worth exploring. Whether you have in fact told
• 0:25
  her what she is doing wrong, which most men have not before
• 0:29
  we get into that, though. Please do subscribe.
• 0:31
  My most recent subscriber episode was on the kind of porn
• 0:34
  that actually helps. Sex lives and it's not what you
• 0:37
  think. So you have to subscribe to hear
• 0:39
  that anyway. So a lot of guys say that they
• 0:42
  like told their wife, what would excite them?
• 0:45
  And they have not because I get their wives and session their
• 0:48
  wives have no fucking idea. And so, the reason that this
• 0:51
  disconnect happens is because guys have this like whole like,
• 0:56
  you know, like this whole vast understanding that they're like,
• 1:02
  excellent. Like technically already,
• 1:04
  nothing. Manifests in any way, like, in
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  real life usually but they have like this vast knowledge of
• 1:10
  pornography. And so therefore they know more
• 1:14
  about like kind of sex and and what it is, then women because
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  women don't watch the porn, you know.
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  So they don't know and they usually do not know in any other
• 1:25
  way. They don't like you know take
• 1:27
  sexology courses or anything, they have no idea and they
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  usually have less experience than their husbands who may have
• 1:32
  very little experience themselves.
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  But anyway, A they don't really know.
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  So it's kind of like if you take a Calculus class and they're
• 1:39
  talking about something, but you don't know addition then you're
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  not going to know like you're going to nod your head and maybe
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  you'll think you know what they're talking about but you
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  don't. So if the guy who's teaching you
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  the calculus does not kind of simplify the explanation and go
• 1:55
  back to basics and you're not going to get anywhere because
• 1:57
  you don't know Edition. So a lot of women don't know
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  what dition in this analogy. So I have and this isn't only
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  men and women sometimes. A the woman is far more sexually
• 2:07
  experienced and she's trying to say to the man, what something
• 2:11
  like take charge, why don't you just take charge and so she's
• 2:15
  been with Myriad guys or at the very least.
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  She's watched many movies where the guy let's say, picks her up
• 2:23
  and put her down on the bed and hold her hands over her head and
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  tells her like, you know, you've been bad or something, let's say
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  right, the guy has no fucking idea which is no idea at all.
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  All which is talking about, not like you could for a million
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  dollars, he wouldn't be able to guess that, that's what she
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  means by take charge. So this poor guy.
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  He says, hon. Let's go upstairs.
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  Now, and he thinks man here I am really taking charge, right?
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  And it's not even remotely what she wants.
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  She thinks that he's being deliberately obtuse and in
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  reality, he's being unintentionally up to us because
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  he has no idea and also take charge means different things to
• 3:00
  different people. But in the situation, I'm
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  talking about here, So that's, you know, when the so that's one
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  situation, right? Where the woman keeps trying to
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  tell the guy had to be more dominant.
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  I have a whole post about this. I think I have a podcast about
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  it too. When the man no I have opposed
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  he was like eight ways to be more dominant in bed and nine
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  ways to avoid common mistakes and execution.
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  So I mean if you're a real literal list then you know you
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  just kind of follow the bullet points there.
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  But I'm talking hear more about the situation where the guy says
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  to the woman, something like I just wish you were more.
• 3:35
  Or flirtatious. Who the fuck does that mean?
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  Like she doesn't know what that means, she was never
• 3:40
  flirtatious. Like the guy also has to get his
• 3:42
  head out of his ass because frequently, he's like, oh yeah,
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  used to be so great when we were in the honeymoon phase because
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  he doesn't is called cognitive dissonance reduction.
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  He doesn't want to think that he was an idiot that missed.
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  All these red flags. So instead, he puts the early
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  relationship on a pedestal. When I'll tell you something, a
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  woman that does not know how to flirt with you and she's 40.
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  Also didn't know what she was 25.
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  It's not like she forgot, she Never knew she was just a cute
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  little thing when she was 25. So it looked flirtatious when
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  she just said, hello to you, but she wasn't flirting then either,
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  you know, I mean there are certain things that you gotta go
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  back so it's not to have like a lot of hostility and resentment
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  in your relationship. You got to go back and be like,
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  what really happened? And I talked about this a lot,
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  you know, in terms of trying to accept your partner and
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  empathize with them and not make things too difficult for them in
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  a way. That's unfair the woman who
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  doesn't know what you mean. Bye.
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  I want you to be more flirtatious or I want you to you
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  know I want you to want me. This is like a good one.
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  This is a good one. That guy say, it's so funny
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  because guys are like, oh women are so indirect, you want to see
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  indirect on both genders become a couples therapist.
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  Guys will be like, I don't know. It's like, you know, I just want
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  her to, you know, want to do it. The hell does that look like in
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  her mind she wants to do it because you're not raping her.
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  So she wants to do it of if she did not want to do it, you would
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  not do it. You know, in her mind there's no
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  world in which you were forcing her to do it.
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  Thank God. So thus she wants to do it so
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  she has no clue that. What you mean is like a little
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  Montage of the way that three different women that you love on
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  PornHub. Look at the god which is really
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  truly. It probably mixing with your
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  high school Crush you know like you have a certain way that you
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  think that a woman needs to communicate that she wants you
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  and it's completely unfair to think that your wife is just
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  going to know what That means, could you've never told her if
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  you're like, why should I have to tell her?
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  Well man, why should you have a better sex life?
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  I mean, I'm with you then let's just forget it.
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  Go play checkers, think about something else, but if you want
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  to work on your sex life, then you got to be articulate.
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  The same as men are always saying, women have to be direct
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  men have to be direct and both genders are equally indirect
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  about particularly about topics that they assume well that are
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  awkward and that they assume the other person will know what they
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  mean. They don't know what you mean,
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  same as when a wife says. The husband be more romantic and
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  he says, I don't understand, I bought her flowers, it was like
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  three weeks ago. I bought her flowers, was the
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  fucking problem. So with the same thing, when the
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  guy says to the wife, I want you to act like you wanted, she
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  wanted. She's there, she's having sex in
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  her mind. It's like a total Miss
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  Attunement. She has no idea what that means
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  and you're not explaining it. So what would it look like to
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  explain? It is like, I wish that you
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  would make eye contact with me more in bed.
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  I would like you to tell me that you want.
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  At me, I want you to speak. I want.
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  And, and so a lot of guys say to the wife, I wish it wasn't so
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  silent. So she says that the, what does
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  that mean? So she tries to like, do a
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  little heavy breathing, she doesn't know what it means
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  because she remember is not a porn Aficionado and so you know,
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  you gotta tell her. So you would say, I want you to
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  say, you know, whatever it is that you want her to say, which
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  you can tell her because it's a hell of a lot better than you
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  just assuming. She knows because I will swear
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  to you now that she does not know if I knew she would have
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  done it already because you mean this is another place where guys
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  have to be real if she knew how to be more sexy and more
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  alluring and more into it, she would have already done these
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  things. If she is somebody who used to
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  do it and you are in that small circumstance.
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  Then you know that's not a lot of guys.
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  Remember the vast majority of guys were with a woman who when
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  they're really not good in bed now they never used to be but
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  they just used to be more willing, more, happy more Young,
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  You know, is novelty Etc, but let's say that you're in one of
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  the guys were. She totally changed everything
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  that she did and she used to talk extensively, dirty, talk
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  and how she doesn't at all. Well then say, I used to like,
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  when you would say XYZ, can you say that stuff again?
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  And don't go down this bullshit, where if you have to ask for it
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  it doesn't count. You would real on your wife like
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  from your, oh my God. Imagine if she said, I want this
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  special thing for my birthday and I know that it's going to
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  like make me so sad if I don't get it, but I can't tell you.
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  It is I can't tell you because then it wouldn't be special.
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  You'll be like, what the fuck? What kind of game playing
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  bullshit? Is this?
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  But yeah, guys do that in bed all the time because they want a
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  special thing but they won't tell the woman what it is
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  because she just supposed to know because it's supposed to be
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  spontaneous and organic, give me a fucking break, right?
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  It's marriage. You're going to have to work on
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  it. Same as parenting, you love your
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  child but you also want to know what the hell they want for
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  Christmas, right? So that you can give them
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  something they like and not something that you used to like
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  when you were 10 years old or whatever.
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  So the point is that in a relationship as adult, you got
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  to think I have to learn, and I want to help my partner.
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  Learn. We have to learn.
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  Yes, we are ganic. Ali have a connection of some
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  sort. But after that, over the years,
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  we change and grow, and we have to learn how to make each other
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  happy in a very objective and open way, where were both
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  receptive to feedback and willing to give feedback, which
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  is often a greater problem than being receptive to feedback, is
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  the partners unwilling to give the feedback in the first place.
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  So you want to Your wife, this is what turns me on.
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  This is what I like in a blow job.
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  This is what I like with sex. This is what I like you to wear.
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  This is this, this is that. And so what I was saying before
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  is in the situation, where a guy, where the woman totally, I
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  have two different in the honeymoon stage and she doesn't
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  now remember to she was as I've discussed a million times,
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  basically drunk on new Love and her hormones were raging.
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  So with like saying to a girl, hey, can you just dance like you
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  did when you were wasted just do that right now.
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  I know you're ready to go to work.
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  You guys taking the kids to daycare Just Dance though.
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  Like right now, like you did when you were out, partying with
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  me, when we went to Aruba that time.
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  Five years ago, when you were wasted out of your mind, just
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  dance like that right now do it, she can't do that.
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  So, that's what it's like to ask a woman to just do what you used
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  to do now in the honeymoon stage.
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  If you say to her though, and she's not ready to take the kids
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  to daycare, Etc, and she's willing.
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  And she just, you know, is hanging out with you and you
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  say, hey, can you You know, dance like you did in Aruba when
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  you did x y z and she's in a good mood and it's just the two
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  of you and you told her what XYZ is then maybe she'll do it
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  because she doesn't fucking remember.
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  And that's how a lot of women are after the honeymoon stage.
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  The guys all the sexual memories imprint because it's very
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  important to them. So they know exactly where they
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  were when they got there. S the first second and third
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  best blow jobs, right. The woman has no idea.
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  She's basically in an altered trance State when she's turned
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  on anyway, frequently and I should probably do a podcast
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  about This, she's drunk. So, you know, I mean, it's like
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  the way that she knows the kids first second and third word, you
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  know, the way that she knows where she was like when she
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  realized that she was having a boy and and those the, you know,
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  or a girl or whatever, the things with the kids, all those
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  Milestones that's the way that you remember, the sexual
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  encounters, she remembers that shit with the kids.
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  So it would be just as unfair for her to turn to you and say,
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  do you even remember what Johnny's fourth word was?
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  No, you don't fucking remember. It doesn't mean you don't love
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  Jonny, but it's just like how she doesn't remember.
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  You know what happened after she was Dirty Dancing with you in a
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  rubra. She does it.
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  Even though it may have been the highlight of your sexual life,
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  she doesn't remember because she was hyped up on probably, as I
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  said, drunk and also the new hormone love phase or whatever
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  iteration of that, you know, because that can Wax and Wane if
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  you take her to a new place or something, that sometimes you
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  got a little bit of that Honeymoon Feeling, and those
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  hormones, Ali just like hijack, her brain and she doesn't really
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  record memory. The same way as you do.
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  Certainly not, certainly not with the visuals.
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  Remember her eyes are closed a lot of the time, I mean it just
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  makes sense if you think about it, but a lot of guys don't
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  think about it. And they take it personally like
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  that the woman doesn't remember, the last time we had sex, this
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  happens all the time. Couples counseling.
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  Like, when was the last time you had sex?
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  She was like I think it was like two weeks ago and he's like it
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  was March 4th. It was in the evening.
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  Remembers March 4th in the evening.
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  And prior to that, yet. It was April 15th, it was in the
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  morning, you know, and it's so funny because it's so different.
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  But if I said to her, you know, anything about the children, she
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  would remember that. And he would not or the most
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  romantic thing that he ever did, she would remember that he would
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  not. So, it's just all in what's
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  really Salient to. You might have more
• 12:23
  testosterone, they're recording these memories more.
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  So, anyway, the point is you got to tell your wife, what turns
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  you on and if you think you did, you didn't because unless she
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  hates you which is its own you no problem.
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  You need to Get into couples counseling, then she would be
• 12:37
  trying to do more of the things. If you actually told her what
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  they are, if she wants to be happily married and you say you
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  know, can you can you tie me up with this thing that I'm
• 12:50
  handing? You can you take this scarf and
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  tie up my hands? You know and be in charge like
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  that by tying me up. You know, then she'll be like oh
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  that's what he meant for 15 years about taking charge.
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  I thought that he meant that I should take his hand and lead
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  her To the bedroom, you know? And I did and I did do that and
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  he always looked like he was not too happy.
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  Well, I guess it's because he wanted to be tied up, right?
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  So I mean you got to actually give the person a chance to do
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  something that you like and if you think it's embarrassing to
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  talk about these things, and that's why the sex life is some
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  part. You have to get over your fear
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  of direct communication, or of turning her off, or if her
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  thinking, you're a pervert, or whatever.
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  Because believe me, she already knows that.
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  You're disappointed. You're not as good an actor as
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  you say. Thing, you know, because women
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  come in all the time after the guy said, oh yeah, she doesn't
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  really know how this is dissatisfied.
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  I am and I said, you know why, you're here?
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  And she's like, because he's incredibly dissatisfied in the
• 13:44
  bedroom. I mean, she's not a moron, you
• 13:47
  know. I mean you you soak you know,
• 13:49
  you and you make faces, you saw. I liked it.
• 13:52
  Plenty of ways that you let her know that she's like not a rock
• 13:56
  star in the bedroom but you got to actually give her feedback so
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  that she can improve, you know. And by the way, as there are
• 14:04
  many men who Ever criticize their wives in bed because
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  you're just so happy to be with the whites.
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  And this is like this is the majority of happily married met.
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  So, you know, if your wife does respond to feedback, she's
• 14:16
  already awesome because like, it's unusual for women to get
• 14:20
  that much feedback, especially - fee negative feedback, positive
• 14:24
  feedback, they get but negative feedback.
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  It's rare because until you a lot of couples are happy.
• 14:30
  You know when that invite includes a sex life to so and
• 14:34
  50% scent of people are securely, attached and securely
• 14:36
  attached relationships. It's primarily preoccupied men
• 14:40
  who are dissatisfied with sex life.
• 14:42
  So you know, the it's already going to be something that she's
• 14:46
  not heard before in her life and her purview with her friends
• 14:50
  that she always has a husband who's disappointed after sex.
• 14:54
  That's already bad. You know.
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  So right. I mean it's already something
• 14:59
  that she was never expected to happen in her life.
• 15:02
  So now at least at the very Very, very least if you are this
• 15:07
  dissatisfied, don't make it vague and something that she can
• 15:11
  never accomplish. In addition to the fact that
• 15:13
  she's been criticized in the first place.
• 15:15
  Be extremely, loving and direct, and explicit about what you
• 15:19
  want. And remember, always lead with
• 15:21
  compliments. You're so hot.
• 15:23
  I just want to see you more. I would love it if we could
• 15:26
  leave the lights on. So many guys will be like she
• 15:29
  knows I want the lights on. How did she know?
• 15:31
  Because I always leave them on and then she's the one.
• 15:35
  Who shuts them off. What the fuck?
• 15:36
  That doesn't mean she knows that you want them on that back.
• 15:39
  She thinks that it's become her role in this interaction to be
• 15:42
  the one who shuts the lights. Because, of course, the lights
• 15:45
  get shut off. That's how she thinks about it.
• 15:47
  So many guys would be like, oh, she turns the lights off because
• 15:51
  she doesn't want to see me. She doesn't want to see the
• 15:52
  encounter, whatever know many women just like it better when
• 15:55
  it's dark. This is one of the things I
• 15:57
  talked about in my initial podcast for sensitive women is
• 16:00
  overwhelming the visual output they need to kind of get into
• 16:03
  that relaxed state. And that involves to the dimming
• 16:06
  the lights or turn them off and many women, find the encounter
• 16:09
  more intense, that way anyway, because there's not this
• 16:12
  Onslaught, you know like being in a sensory deprivation tank.
• 16:15
  You feel any little thing that does happen?
• 16:17
  Anyway, the point being any more than any of these individual
• 16:20
  examples can be useful, is the idea to reckon with that, you've
• 16:23
  not been as Master full of Communicator, as you may have
• 16:26
  thought. And if you have not ever said I
• 16:30
  want X and then Y and then Z then you're not a good
• 16:33
  communicator. Then you've just Just been being
• 16:35
  very vague and so that on top of the fact that she's being
• 16:38
  criticized implicitly, she has to deal with the fact that she
• 16:40
  literally has no idea what you mean, and it seems like a
• 16:43
  situation where she set up to fail.
• 16:45
  And you can't understand that because you have all this vast
• 16:48
  knowledge of porn to drawn to think that it like goes without
• 16:51
  saying that a woman would know how to give a blow job.
• 16:55
  She doesn't know how to give a blow job.
• 16:57
  Like if she didn't know when you were dating, she doesn't know.
• 16:59
  Now she didn't learn in the interim.
• 17:01
  Thank God. So, you know, I mean, thank God.
• 17:05
  Says it's a joke, of course. It would be nice if she Googled
• 17:07
  blowjobs but it would be nice if you Googled like how to, you
• 17:10
  know, engage in gentle discipline with my two-year-old
• 17:13
  or something that she wants you to Google.
• 17:15
  So we don't Google things that are outside our interests.
• 17:17
  And so thus you got to actually communicate what you want, and
• 17:21
  then you got a chance of getting it.
• 17:23
  All right, I hope that you found this useful and I'll talk to you
• 17:25
  soon.