Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How to Manage Former Peers After a Promotion
Transcript
- Lucas: So there's this stat that keeps coming up in my research: according to a 2023 survey by The Muse, 67% of new managers say the hardest part of their transition is learning to manage people they used to be peers with. That is more than two out of three first-time managers. Luna: That number tracks with what I've heard anecdotally. It is intensely personal. You don't just learn a new skill set — you have to renegotiate relationships that were working fine before. Lucas: Exactly. And there's a classic case I like to use: Sarah. She was a senior product designer at a mid-sized tech firm. She got promoted to lead the design team — four people, including Meera, who had been her work best friend for two years. They ate lunch together, vented about clients, the whole thing. Within a month of Sarah's promotion, Meera stopped sitting with her at lunch. She started going to the kitchen when Sarah walked in. Luna: That's brutal. And I bet it wasn't because Meera was jealous — it was because the script changed. You can't complain about your boss to your boss. Lucas: Right. Sarah had unwittingly stepped into the role Meera used to vent to her about. And Sarah didn't handle it badly — she just didn't address the elephant. She assumed they'd keep their old dynamic and add the manager hat on top. But it doesn't work that way. The relationship becomes fundamentally asymmetric the moment you have authority over their paycheck and career trajectory. Luna: So what's the first move Sarah — or any new manager in that position — should make? Lucas: She should have what I call a 'new expectations' conversation. Not a performance review — a human to human sit-down where she says: 'Hey, I know this is weird. I was your peer yesterday and today I'm your manager. I want to be transparent about how I'm going to handle it.' That alone diffuses a ton of tension. Luna: And she should set some ground rules. Like, 'I'm still going to be honest with you, but I can't vent about leadership decisions the way I used to.' Lucas: Exactly. And also invite the former peer to share what they need. Some people want to keep the friendship but with clearer boundaries. Others prefer to keep the relationship strictly professional for a while. The key is to ask, not assume. Luna: There's another layer too — the rest of the team watches how you treat your former buddy. If you're too chummy, they'll assume favoritism. If you're too cold, they'll think you're a jerk. Lucas: That's why I think new managers should over-communicate decisions in those first few months. If you assign Meera a plum project, explain why — publicly, in a team setting. 'Meera has the most experience with this client' — not 'Meera is my friend.' Also, hold one-on-ones with everyone equally. The cadence, the agenda, the follow-up — all consistent. Luna: And what about social gatherings? Do you still go to happy hour with the gang? Lucas: You can, but it's smarter to start doing some separate things. Maybe grab coffee with a peer from a different department instead of always hanging with your old team crew. And when you do attend team socials, leave a little early. Let people have space to talk without you. That's actually more respectful. Luna: That's a good point. The best manager I ever had was promoted from within the team, and she did exactly that — she'd come to the first round, then bow out. We never felt like she was watching us. Lucas: And then there's the hardest part: giving feedback to your former friend. Let's say Meera's work starts slipping. Sarah has to address it. Luna: Which is terrifying because you don't want to lose the friendship entirely. Lucas: Right. But the research from the Center for Creative Leadership shows that 60% of first-time managers get zero training on how to have these conversations. So here's a framework I like: use the same process you'd use with anyone — specific behavior, impact, ask — but add a human opener. Something like: 'I'm saying this as your manager, but I want to be as straightforward with you as I always have been. Here's what I'm seeing.' Luna: That honors the old relationship while acknowledging the new one. And it's not just about the words — it's about tone. If you sound apologetic, they think it's optional. If you sound robotic, they think you've changed. Lucas: Yeah, it's a delicate balance. And look — companies should do better. They should offer coaching, peer groups, something for the new manager. But while we wait for that to happen, individual managers can take action. Sarah could have scheduled that expectations talk on day one, and probably saved the friendship. Luna: You know what? I think a lot of listeners have been where Sarah was. And that's exactly the kind of practical advice we try to pack into every episode here. Lucas: Absolutely. And it's only possible because a small group of listeners chips in each month at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. That literally helps us keep making these shows ad-free. Luna: Yeah, it's a real community effort. We hear from people who say they've used a tip from the show in a real conversation the next day — that's what keeps us going. Lucas: So back to managing former peers — I want to make sure we don't leave out the case where the former peer was actually gunning for the same promotion. Luna: Ooh, that's a whole different level of tension. You're managing someone who applied for your job and didn't get it. Lucas: Right. In that situation, the expectations conversation is even more critical. You have to acknowledge the elephant explicitly: 'I know you wanted this role. I respect that. I hope we can find a way to work together that feels good to both of us.' And you might need to offer an olive branch — maybe mentorship on a different track, or a stretch assignment that helps them build a case for the next promotion. Luna: But you also can't make promises you can't keep. Like 'you'll be next in line' — if the company doesn't know that or you don't have that authority. Lucas: Exactly. Be honest about what you can and can't do. And then deliver on what you promise. If you say you'll advocate for them in a meeting, do it. That builds trust even in a strained relationship. Luna: So the through line for all of this is: be proactive, be transparent, and be consistent. Don't wait for the awkwardness to fester. Lucas: Yeah. And I'll add one more concrete takeaway: schedule that expectations conversation within your first week. I know you have a million things to do, but this one thing is what prevents a lot of pain. Write down three points: 'I'll still be honest with you, I can't vent about leadership decisions anymore, and I want to hear what you need from me.' Luna: That's a cheat sheet worth saving. Lucas, great episode. Lucas: Thanks, Luna. For the listeners — if you're navigating this transition right now, good luck. It's hard, but you can do it.