Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 141. Ugly truths, betrayal & Disapointment: Tijana breaks down

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141. Ugly truths, betrayal & Disapointment: Tijana breaks down · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apodjay Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy
0:13
Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
0:14
Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
0:17
Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
0:20
Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
0:23
Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
0:26
Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
0:28
Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.
0:31
Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to she Rises with your favorite
0:34
Speaker 1: hosts Ashley and Tiana. We've got a bit of a
0:37
Speaker 1: rogue episode today.
0:38
Speaker 2: We love going rogue.
0:39
Speaker 1: It's gonna be deep though it's a lot of random questions.
0:41
Speaker 1: We've got ol chatchpt to help us out. We just
0:43
Speaker 1: thought we'd do, yeah, something really different and ask some
0:46
Speaker 1: really deep, outside the box questions. And then you guys
0:49
Speaker 1: can take these questions and ask them within your friendship.
0:52
Speaker 2: Group, with your partner. Whatever.
0:53
Speaker 1: Just helps get to know each other on a deeper
0:55
Speaker 1: level and it's fun.
0:56
Speaker 2: And as you guys know, like, we love we love conversation,
0:58
Speaker 2: we loved airiosy, we love vulnerability, and we love depth.
1:01
Speaker 2: So this is just a way for us to explore
1:02
Speaker 2: new things that we wouldn't normally ask each other. And
1:05
Speaker 2: it also will give you permission to bring this kind
1:08
Speaker 2: of depth into your everyday life too, you know, like
1:10
Speaker 2: what kind of conversations are you having when you're having
1:12
Speaker 2: dinner with your girlfriends when you're out? Can like start
1:16
Speaker 2: inviting deeper conversations and get vulnerable and.
1:18
Speaker 1: You'll learn more about yourself too, because these are questions
1:20
Speaker 1: you probably haven't been asked before. I'm scared, all right,
1:23
Speaker 1: first one, Tiana, what we're in from your past still
1:26
Speaker 1: silently shapes your choices today.
1:29
Speaker 2: I've spoken about the video a lot on the podcast
1:31
Speaker 2: a fair few times, but I would say that situation
1:35
Speaker 2: it makes me think about consequences of my actions because
1:39
Speaker 2: in that moment when I allowed the video to be filmed,
1:43
Speaker 2: I said that I wanted to be deleted after and
1:45
Speaker 2: then I didn't stand true to it, like I wasn't
1:47
Speaker 2: strong in my no, and then it kind of just
1:49
Speaker 2: like it bit me in the ass. Later on. It
1:51
Speaker 2: made me realize that every decision that I make can
1:53
Speaker 2: possibly have a negative consequence, and so I think it
1:55
Speaker 2: shapes the way that I make decisions now, where I
1:58
Speaker 2: logically think through things, especially if it's big, especially if
2:02
Speaker 2: it is significant in my life, I will make sure
2:04
Speaker 2: that I make a smart decision before I make them.
2:06
Speaker 2: And it's not with everything. I'm not super strict on it.
2:09
Speaker 2: But it definitely shapes the way that I move now
2:12
Speaker 2: because of how much pain it caused me when I
2:14
Speaker 2: went through that video. So when that happened, it completely
2:18
Speaker 2: changed my life. Changed the way that I show up,
2:20
Speaker 2: how I trust people, how I make decisions, all of
2:23
Speaker 2: that sort of stuff. So I would say that that's
2:24
Speaker 2: how it still plays out in my life. Now. Do
2:26
Speaker 2: you think that's a positive thing though?
2:27
Speaker 1: It's a positive thing things through, Yeah, it definitely does
2:31
Speaker 1: so willy nilly, you know.
2:32
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a good way to be. I think it is.
2:34
Speaker 2: But everything in moderation, you know. I think to some
2:37
Speaker 2: degree the video made me go the complete opposite way,
2:40
Speaker 2: where it was like I was free and frivolous and
2:41
Speaker 2: like the Gemini and me loved freedom and play and
2:44
Speaker 2: adventure and all these things. And I think that experience
2:46
Speaker 2: also shut me off to those things too, because I
2:48
Speaker 2: was like, well, I'm not allowed to have fun. I'm
2:50
Speaker 2: not allowed to have fun. I'm not allowed to be
2:52
Speaker 2: silly or playful or like mischievous or any of those things.
2:56
Speaker 1: You know.
2:56
Speaker 2: So I think everything in moderation. But I definitely think
2:59
Speaker 2: it has benefited me a lot since that happened, because
3:02
Speaker 2: it become a better version of myself, you know, a
3:05
Speaker 2: more agile, more clute on when it comes to other
3:08
Speaker 2: people's behavior, when it comes to my own, how I feel,
3:11
Speaker 2: what I want, what I believe in. It's made me
3:13
Speaker 2: stronger in my voice. Yeah, and that I wouldn't change
3:16
Speaker 2: it for the world. Love that. What's the ugliest thought
3:19
Speaker 2: you've ever had about yourself? The ugliest? It's an interesting word.
3:24
Speaker 2: It is like a nastier, mean, not just ugly thought
3:26
Speaker 2: about yourself. You're just like, oh, that's scary, just.
3:29
Speaker 1: That, like I'm not worthy of being here, Like no
3:31
Speaker 1: one will care if I'm not here anymore. Yeah, when
3:34
Speaker 1: I was going through a really dark time online, that's
3:36
Speaker 1: really the ugliest. I use that word often, but the ugliest, Yeah, darkest,
3:40
Speaker 1: saddest thought for sure, that no one will care if
3:43
Speaker 1: I'm not here.
3:44
Speaker 2: Yeah, Oh my god, I'm going to cry. Oh.
3:47
Speaker 1: I got told that so much online too. You know,
3:50
Speaker 1: I don't believe that anymore. Yeah, the world wouldn't be
3:52
Speaker 1: as cool without meaning.
3:53
Speaker 2: Oh, oh my god, you just got me. Oh, not
4:00
Speaker 2: gone anyway. I would fucking care. Yeah, I know you would. Sorry,
4:04
Speaker 2: good you just went around back then, babe?
4:06
Speaker 1: No, what on when you're in that state though, you
4:10
Speaker 1: honestly are not thinking about anyone else, You're so in
4:13
Speaker 1: your own thoughts and such this dark thing. Like I
4:15
Speaker 1: had Targe at the time, I had Steve, I had friends,
4:17
Speaker 1: my mum, But you feel like such a burden that
4:21
Speaker 1: you feel like they would be better off without you.
4:24
Speaker 1: Like I felt like I was just in such a
4:25
Speaker 1: dark hole that I was a nuisance to be around,
4:28
Speaker 1: Like not annoying, but a burden. It was just this
4:31
Speaker 1: dark cloud that hovered wherever I went.
4:33
Speaker 2: It was just not good.
4:36
Speaker 1: So that's how I felt my own head and my
4:37
Speaker 1: own body.
4:38
Speaker 2: I felt like this.
4:39
Speaker 1: Yeah, I obviously thought Steve and Taj would be upset,
4:43
Speaker 1: but I was like, well, and growing up watching me
4:45
Speaker 1: be so miserable, is it good for him either? Yeah?
4:47
Speaker 2: It was like the stories you were telling yourself about Wow,
4:49
Speaker 2: this makes sense in my head.
4:51
Speaker 1: You start to justify it. Even for online trolling. I
4:54
Speaker 1: was like, oh, if I leave, that'll be the reason why,
4:57
Speaker 1: because it'll make them stop it'll make them think before
5:00
Speaker 1: they do this to someone else. I will save lives
5:02
Speaker 1: by not being here because if I go and it's
5:04
Speaker 1: because of what they've done to me, they won't do
5:06
Speaker 1: it to someone else.
5:07
Speaker 2: Yeah, they'll realize the consequences.
5:09
Speaker 1: Yeah, but there's light in my death. You know, it'll
5:12
Speaker 1: stand for something. And I started like telling myself those stories. Yeah,
5:16
Speaker 1: I think i'd ever go down that path again. From
5:18
Speaker 1: that experience, I've grown so much and I know my
5:21
Speaker 1: worth and I know why I'm here.
5:22
Speaker 2: I know how loved I am. I feel so loved.
5:25
Speaker 2: That's good. Yeah, because you've been there before and you've
5:28
Speaker 2: gotten yourself out, you know not to go there again. Yeah,
5:30
Speaker 2: it's like you know how not.
5:31
Speaker 1: Oh Yeah, if I ever even start to feel slightly
5:34
Speaker 1: off center or down and have any negative thoughts, I've
5:39
Speaker 1: got so many tools around my belt and so much
5:40
Speaker 1: support around, and I just know how to get myself out.
5:43
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean life's not hard or heavy, or they
5:45
Speaker 1: don't stress or worry about life finances or kids or health, or.
5:51
Speaker 2: Go through anything that feels challenging or mentally that mentally
5:54
Speaker 2: rocks you so much.
5:55
Speaker 1: I just know how to keep myself afloat feeling good
5:58
Speaker 1: or even just okay to get through. Yeah, which is
6:02
Speaker 1: probably why I am so resilient and have that because
6:04
Speaker 1: of all that I went through, which is where the
6:06
Speaker 1: gratitude comes in. Yeah, so I don't take any of
6:08
Speaker 1: it back, but also wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy.
6:11
Speaker 2: Yeah of course. Yeah.
6:14
Speaker 1: When was the last time you betrayed yourself in order
6:16
Speaker 1: to keep someone else happy?
6:18
Speaker 2: Big one ex partner? Oh yes, yeah, for like a
6:22
Speaker 2: good year and a half. Yeah, you know, I betrayed
6:25
Speaker 2: what it was that I knew was right for me,
6:27
Speaker 2: but I was choosing not to pay attention to it
6:30
Speaker 2: because I wanted to believe what I was telling myself,
6:33
Speaker 2: and so I wanted to believe the best of the situation,
6:36
Speaker 2: and so in doing that, I abandoned my intuition, and
6:40
Speaker 2: I've abandoned what I knew logically was right to do
6:44
Speaker 2: because I wanted to believe in the love that I felt.
6:47
Speaker 2: So that was a big way that I abandoned myself,
6:49
Speaker 2: and that was a while ago now, and then little ways,
6:52
Speaker 2: probably just with people who are like acquaintances, if I've
6:56
Speaker 2: ever like spent time catching up with them when like
6:58
Speaker 2: I really didn't have the capacity or I didn't want to,
7:01
Speaker 2: but I was like, I've already booked it in. I
7:02
Speaker 2: feel guilty. I don't want to say no now. So
7:04
Speaker 2: I think probably like at least like five or six
7:06
Speaker 2: weeks ago, I did that, and I'm sure there are
7:08
Speaker 2: other little ways that I still do. But that's kind
7:10
Speaker 2: of the first thing that poked into my head. Yeah,
7:12
Speaker 2: you know, when I'm on the weekend. I've been saying
7:14
Speaker 2: this to you a lot lately. With the weekends and
7:16
Speaker 2: now my time for myself, Like I'll see you guys
7:18
Speaker 2: and the girls and stuff in the mornings and we'll
7:20
Speaker 2: go for walks and all that sort of stuff. But
7:22
Speaker 2: for a big chunk of like Sundays, I kind of
7:24
Speaker 2: just want to go inward and have like a loan
7:26
Speaker 2: time so I can recharge and reset for the rest
7:28
Speaker 2: of the roads, you know. And then there was a
7:30
Speaker 2: before BALI I booked in like so many different social
7:32
Speaker 2: things and I was like, oh my god, like I
7:34
Speaker 2: don't have the capacity for this. Yes, too many things. Yeah,
7:37
Speaker 2: so I definitely abandon myself in that sense. And you
7:40
Speaker 2: do it differently now you're more aware of it. Yeah,
7:41
Speaker 2: so I would just say no now yeah, you know,
7:44
Speaker 2: or really trying to catch myself not saying yes immediately yes,
7:48
Speaker 2: and then coming back and just seeing how I feel first. Yeah,
7:50
Speaker 2: let me just check in with myself first, and then
7:51
Speaker 2: I can make a decision. Yeah, and it comes from
7:53
Speaker 2: a grounded place. And then I never taint any relationship
7:56
Speaker 2: or friendship or whatever. Yeah, whoever, just because I wanted
8:00
Speaker 2: to say yes first. Yeah.
8:01
Speaker 1: It's such a hard thing, is that Because you never
8:03
Speaker 1: want to upset anyone ever, want to.
8:05
Speaker 2: Let people down.
8:06
Speaker 1: And if it's important to them and you can see
8:07
Speaker 1: it makes them happy and they want you there. You
8:09
Speaker 1: can just love a girl and he just wants to Yeah,
8:12
Speaker 1: of course I'll be there for you. Yes, you know,
8:14
Speaker 1: I always ask myself at the cost of what yes,
8:16
Speaker 1: and for me to have time away from my.
8:18
Speaker 2: Kids, it's got to be so worth it, and it's
8:20
Speaker 2: really got to be a big yes. Yeah, you're big
8:22
Speaker 2: on that.
8:23
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm going to go hang out with whoever or
8:26
Speaker 1: do whatever. Like I get invited all the time to
8:28
Speaker 1: like events for brands. I was like, no, when you
8:32
Speaker 1: hang out with a bunch of strangers, Yeah, on a
8:35
Speaker 1: week night or a Saturday night or my weekend, do
8:38
Speaker 1: I hang around and get a couple of photos. No
8:40
Speaker 1: before I can. Yeah, not anymore easy. Not When you
8:44
Speaker 1: know your values, it's easy to say not to that stuff.
8:46
Speaker 1: I suppose friends stuff's harder because you love them and
8:48
Speaker 1: you don't want to disappoint them and let them down.
8:50
Speaker 2: True, But then I feel like when you have a
8:52
Speaker 2: good enough relationship, you can just be honest about how
8:54
Speaker 2: your friends like, I mean, at least us, Yeah, I
8:57
Speaker 2: reference us and being like of course, like, of course,
9:00
Speaker 2: take your time. You need some time yourself, I go
9:02
Speaker 2: get it. Yeah. Yeah, wish you were there every ye. Yeah,
9:07
Speaker 2: who broke your heart in a way you never fully
9:09
Speaker 2: healed from. Oh I can't say a boy, Yeah, it
9:13
Speaker 2: doesn't have to be romantic. Probably a friend yeah.
9:17
Speaker 1: Yeah, that I didn't get any closure from or just
9:20
Speaker 1: ended in a way that I never would have expected.
9:23
Speaker 1: I just think my friendship's going to be forever, you know.
9:25
Speaker 1: So when they don't and there is a reason or
9:27
Speaker 1: there isn't a reason, that was unexpected, yeah, I feel
9:30
Speaker 1: heartbroken from that.
9:31
Speaker 2: Sure, it's definitely a hard thing to go through when
9:33
Speaker 2: you don't have closure from somebody. I feel like it
9:35
Speaker 2: makes you more anxious and more like angsty. I don't
9:40
Speaker 2: know the word, but you know, it makes you like, oh,
9:42
Speaker 2: like I just want a response and I want closure, closure,
9:46
Speaker 2: you know, And it doesn't feel hard because if the
9:48
Speaker 2: roles were reversed, you would so easily give that to
9:50
Speaker 2: them or have a conversation or be open and honest
9:52
Speaker 2: with them. But then when somebody doesn't give you that
9:54
Speaker 2: same respect and do that back, it feels really hard
9:56
Speaker 2: to see with because you just can't understand.
9:58
Speaker 1: Yeah, and someone that you loved so much and I
10:02
Speaker 1: had my heart love my friends so fucking much much.
10:05
Speaker 1: There've been my lifeline since I was young. I've always
10:07
Speaker 1: really valued friendships and poured a lot into friendships.
10:09
Speaker 2: So someone that you have in.
10:10
Speaker 1: Your life for so long that then intentionally does something
10:13
Speaker 1: to hurt you, that's pretty heartbreaking. Yeah. I had that
10:17
Speaker 1: recently and that was really really hard heart build a
10:20
Speaker 1: swallow to watch witness.
10:21
Speaker 2: Feel have to believe that they would do that.
10:24
Speaker 1: But yeah, even everyone around me like I can't believe
10:27
Speaker 1: I've seen this, Like what's happening? And I'm like I
10:29
Speaker 1: don't know.
10:29
Speaker 2: Yeah, I genuinely can't understand, like how it got to
10:33
Speaker 2: that point.
10:33
Speaker 1: No, that's really hard and heartbreaking.
10:36
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's sad.
10:41
Speaker 1: It is heartbreaks is sad in general. Hey, I feel
10:44
Speaker 1: like we all experience in different ways, whether it's from
10:46
Speaker 1: a relationship, a friendship, family, family like can be a parent,
10:51
Speaker 1: a sibling.
10:51
Speaker 2: The top three ones. Yeah, family relationships, friendships, all of
10:55
Speaker 2: them are so heartbreaking and so hard to come to
10:58
Speaker 2: terms with.
10:58
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like I don't feel heartbroken from my stepdad or
11:02
Speaker 1: my father. And then yeah, I've had beautiful partners and
11:06
Speaker 1: I was the one that ended my first partner, So definitely,
11:09
Speaker 1: friendship for me is more of a sof spot.
11:11
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, we all have our things, feel like yours
11:15
Speaker 2: is friendships, mind's relationship. Yeah, we always talk about this.
11:17
Speaker 1: Hey, we've got similar wounds and the same emotions come up.
11:20
Speaker 1: But yours is in intimate relationships and mine is with friendship. Yeah,
11:23
Speaker 1: it's like the exact same thing, which is why we
11:24
Speaker 1: both understand it. We know how each other feels when
11:26
Speaker 1: it comes up.
11:27
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's why I just hang out with you. I'm kidding.
11:30
Speaker 2: I have lots of other good friends as well.
11:33
Speaker 1: Okay, if everything you've built disappeared tomorrow, who would you
11:36
Speaker 1: be without your achievements?
11:37
Speaker 2: I mean, I can answer that, But just who I
11:40
Speaker 2: am without my achievements, I don't know how I stands
11:42
Speaker 2: for that. How would you describe yourself? Loyal? Yeah, committed, free, adventurous, love, honest, direct,
11:54
Speaker 2: integris Is that a word? Integral? Integral? Yeah, loving, caring,
12:00
Speaker 2: good listener, thank you. We keep going more to be
12:05
Speaker 2: good to me as she's doing this thing you can't
12:08
Speaker 2: see right now.
12:08
Speaker 1: But miss Rachel where she goes more. It's like sign
12:10
Speaker 1: language for kids, and oh my god.
12:12
Speaker 2: It's so funny and now we'd like do it enough readship.
12:14
Speaker 2: She's like more please everything.
12:16
Speaker 1: If it's like more young food, more. If we're talking
12:18
Speaker 1: about sex, we're like more. Yeah, talking about I don't know, last,
12:21
Speaker 1: we're like more, like.
12:22
Speaker 2: You know, one of us is complementing each other, like more, Yes,
12:25
Speaker 2: so good, it's so funny.
12:27
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think so much without your joke, Like I
12:29
Speaker 1: don't even really think about your achievements.
12:31
Speaker 2: Who you are is like, don't get me wrong. I
12:33
Speaker 2: love the part of me that's ambitious and driven and
12:35
Speaker 2: wants big things and has big vision thinking and all
12:37
Speaker 2: first things. But I still think there's a lot to
12:40
Speaker 2: me outside of those things. Like I define myself as
12:43
Speaker 2: what I'm currently doing. I'm a person. Yeah, I'm a
12:47
Speaker 2: woman who like loves people and loves connection and depth
12:50
Speaker 2: and adventure and freedom and variety and experiences and exploration. Yeah,
12:57
Speaker 2: that's how I described myself. That's cool.
12:59
Speaker 1: Yeah, when I was going through the peak in my career,
13:02
Speaker 1: I thought that's all I was was my achievements, my success. Yeah,
13:05
Speaker 1: kind of lost who I was because it's just like
13:07
Speaker 1: everything I'm achieving and that's what I got. Connection and
13:09
Speaker 1: praise and love and people in my life and opportunities
13:12
Speaker 1: and mem reasons like this big highlight reel of achievements
13:15
Speaker 1: and just all the coolest things in life that everyone
13:17
Speaker 1: supposedly wants I had. Yeah, but then once it like
13:21
Speaker 1: settled down and I've got more ground and I've grown,
13:24
Speaker 1: it's like, wow, that stuff just not important, Like it's cool,
13:27
Speaker 1: I'd love it so, but who is actually underneath all
13:29
Speaker 1: of that? And it's like, yeah, it's been cool to
13:32
Speaker 1: get to know her the last couple of years.
13:34
Speaker 2: I feel like you've really done that a lot, especially
13:36
Speaker 2: in the last like twelve months.
13:38
Speaker 1: Last twelve months especially, Hey, yeah, you didn't know me
13:40
Speaker 1: twelve months ago.
13:41
Speaker 2: You do not know me at all. I love that
13:43
Speaker 2: it's the best thing ever, so much, so true.
13:45
Speaker 1: It's so true, like for you've not spoken or you
13:47
Speaker 1: haven't caught up with me, you actually don't know me.
13:49
Speaker 2: You know of the right to say that you know.
13:50
Speaker 1: Me that it's annoying when people hold onto things like
13:52
Speaker 1: years ago. It's like things change, Yeah, it will change,
13:54
Speaker 1: it's changed. I didn't know you if I haven't seen
13:56
Speaker 1: you in twelve months. Yeah, I'm going to hang on
13:58
Speaker 1: to things you did five years ago.
13:59
Speaker 2: But it's also like I'm not offended because I'm a
14:00
Speaker 2: different person now. Literally, it's all good. It is so
14:04
Speaker 2: easy to do, though, when you attached, because you attach
14:06
Speaker 2: yourself to an identity when you start a roll. Yes,
14:08
Speaker 2: you know, like I've said this to you before, Like
14:10
Speaker 2: I attached my identity to coach, you know. And for
14:14
Speaker 2: the longest time, which is interesting because when I answered
14:16
Speaker 2: that question, I didn't feel like I was going to
14:17
Speaker 2: answer it that way. But for the longest time, I
14:20
Speaker 2: always thought, like, coach Tiana, this is my identity, this
14:22
Speaker 2: is all I am. But I think I've just been
14:24
Speaker 2: exploring myself a lot more lately. Yeah, then I'm just like, oh,
14:27
Speaker 2: I'm so much more than that I'm not just one thing.
14:29
Speaker 2: You know how I describe myself in one word duality?
14:32
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you though, Yeah yeah,
14:35
Speaker 2: yeah that's cool. Duality.
14:37
Speaker 1: Love that I feel like I am all things, all things,
14:39
Speaker 1: many hats, yeah yeah, behind closed doors, hat, in the bedroom, studio, hat,
14:45
Speaker 1: as a coach, all of it. Yeah, so many courtferen
14:48
Speaker 1: has to get to a hair and they're all fun
14:49
Speaker 1: and different, so fun and all appropriate for whatever situational.
14:52
Speaker 2: Mood You're absolutely switch. And the freedom to be able
14:55
Speaker 2: to do that, freedom without shame. Oh, because I spent
14:57
Speaker 2: my whole life boxing myself into being one way, which
15:00
Speaker 2: is quote unquote perfect. Yeah. It was fucking miserable. Yeah,
15:05
Speaker 2: all bored and boring. Much more fun now, Yeah. What
15:10
Speaker 2: part of love scares you more? Being fully seen or
15:13
Speaker 2: being fully abandoned?
15:14
Speaker 1: Abandoned for sure. I don't have a problem with being seen.
15:18
Speaker 2: Yeah, I just love it.
15:21
Speaker 1: Yeah.
15:21
Speaker 2: I feel like I show all of me. I'm not
15:23
Speaker 2: afraid of that. But being abandoned, yeah, you do do
15:27
Speaker 2: that really well, even to social media in real life,
15:30
Speaker 2: very authentically yourself. Yeah, I am and a hide march. Yeah.
15:33
Speaker 2: What you see is what you get with you. I
15:34
Speaker 2: would find it harder to hide. That'd be exhausting. It
15:37
Speaker 2: is exhausting.
15:38
Speaker 1: I would not be able to continue to show up
15:40
Speaker 1: online if I was hiding lots of energy out trying
15:42
Speaker 1: to a mask. Just not for me, but being abandoned
15:47
Speaker 1: yet that scares me so much.
15:48
Speaker 2: What do you think is about being abandoned that is
15:51
Speaker 2: so terrifying to you? Like courts the stories, how does
15:54
Speaker 2: it make you feel just that I'm not wanted? Yeah, yeah,
15:57
Speaker 2: it's someone better than me.
15:59
Speaker 1: Cool enough, I'm not fun enough. Yeah, I'm too much.
16:02
Speaker 1: There's lots of stories that come up.
16:04
Speaker 2: It's an abandoned Yeah, definitely a big wound for a
16:06
Speaker 2: lot of people.
16:07
Speaker 1: It definitely must have stemmed from my father and him
16:10
Speaker 1: leaving when I was a baby, for sure. When you
16:12
Speaker 1: have other situations that kind of replicate that same story,
16:15
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, that happens, like it strengthens the story.
16:18
Speaker 2: Yeah, then you get attached to it. You got to
16:20
Speaker 2: have awareness around because it's not the truth. Yeah, and
16:22
Speaker 2: then you're like, this is the only way that it happens.
16:24
Speaker 2: But that's so not true.
16:25
Speaker 1: That a lesson keeps getting repeated until you learn it
16:27
Speaker 1: too is obviously like wisdom in something that keeps happening. Yeah,
16:31
Speaker 1: there's a reason why, and.
16:34
Speaker 2: That reason it is hard to sit with because you
16:36
Speaker 2: don't want those things to be happening, and you're like, oh,
16:38
Speaker 2: I'm trying to find a lesson and trying to be
16:40
Speaker 2: you know, all the things, but you're just like fuck this.
16:42
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was like what did you teach when I
16:43
Speaker 1: was in Switzerland? It's about something And you're like, you
16:45
Speaker 1: kind of create a similar environment from your childhood because
16:48
Speaker 1: that's what feels comfortable. Yes, if it's chaos, you feel
16:51
Speaker 1: more comfortable in chaos. When it's a too calm and safe,
16:54
Speaker 1: it feels uncomfortable.
16:55
Speaker 2: Like if you grew up in chaos or you're used
16:57
Speaker 2: to having abusive relationships, when you go to the first
16:59
Speaker 2: save relationship, you're going to sabotage it, yeah, because you're like, well, one,
17:03
Speaker 2: this is boring, this is not right, something is wrong
17:05
Speaker 2: because it's unfamiliar. Yes, you will create a familiar chaos
17:09
Speaker 2: over an unfamiliar piece.
17:10
Speaker 1: And you do things to get a need met. Yeah,
17:13
Speaker 1: So what are you getting out of the relationships breaking
17:16
Speaker 1: down or whatever?
17:16
Speaker 2: It is? It's significant? Is it connection? Is it growth?
17:18
Speaker 1: If it's sympathy is a validation and you might be
17:21
Speaker 1: unconsciously doing that because it's a survival need. You think
17:24
Speaker 1: you need that, you feel like uncertain without it.
17:27
Speaker 2: And that's a conversation that's hard for people to have
17:29
Speaker 2: as well, because consciously admitting that you want a bad
17:33
Speaker 2: situation to happen because you're getting a need met is
17:35
Speaker 2: something that takes a lot of open mindedness. Yeah, it's
17:40
Speaker 2: like for you to like really settle your ego that
17:42
Speaker 2: wants to buy it back and that I would never
17:44
Speaker 2: do that. Why would I want that to happen. I
17:45
Speaker 2: wouldn't ever want that. Yeah you think I want this?
17:47
Speaker 1: Yeah? You think I wanted that kind of Yeah, not
17:49
Speaker 1: at all, that bad thing to happen.
17:50
Speaker 2: Yeah, Well that's the deeper work, that's really deep shadow work,
17:54
Speaker 2: shadow work.
17:55
Speaker 1: Yeah, Yeah, I feel like a lot of people have
17:56
Speaker 1: dived into that kind of work.
17:57
Speaker 2: But it's hectic, Yeah, it is hectic. Half as very upfronting,
18:00
Speaker 2: it's very confronting. Yeah, it's very freeing.
18:03
Speaker 1: Yeah, if your life ended tomorrow, what would you most
18:06
Speaker 1: regret not saying? And to who?
18:08
Speaker 2: Oh this is a hard one for me to answer.
18:12
Speaker 2: I don't think there's anything super significant that I've held back. Yeah, cool,
18:15
Speaker 2: you know that's good. Yeah. If anything has hurt me significantly,
18:19
Speaker 2: I've voiced it. If I love people, I voice it.
18:22
Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean? So, like, I don't
18:23
Speaker 2: know if there's anything that I feel like I've held back.
18:25
Speaker 2: That's cool. Not at the top of my head a
18:27
Speaker 2: lest Yeah, I come back to that, Okay. If anything
18:29
Speaker 2: pops up before we end this.
18:30
Speaker 1: Episode, yeah, mine would be that I still want to
18:33
Speaker 1: know why my father left. But like, I don't know
18:35
Speaker 1: if I want to have that conversation, open up the
18:37
Speaker 1: can of worms. I don't know if he'd even be
18:38
Speaker 1: open to that conversation, but I'd love to hear his
18:41
Speaker 1: version where he was at. Yeah, what went through his head?
18:44
Speaker 1: Was there times throughout the last thirty odd years and
18:46
Speaker 1: we ever thought about us? Oh shit, I just left
18:49
Speaker 1: my baby and my nearly two year old son with
18:53
Speaker 1: their mother. Yeah, no worries, Like my mom didn't have
18:55
Speaker 1: to fight for forms to be signed for full custody.
18:58
Speaker 1: He was like, yeah, no worries, Yeah, sign them away.
19:00
Speaker 2: She was like, oh that was easy. Yeah, Like understand
19:02
Speaker 2: what he was Yeah, at the time of his life,
19:04
Speaker 2: I'd to have been something there had been something going
19:06
Speaker 2: on for him for him to fully just put his
19:08
Speaker 2: hands up and walk away easily and never get back
19:11
Speaker 2: in contact.
19:12
Speaker 1: There's a story there. So I feel like when he passes,
19:16
Speaker 1: there'll be a little part of me.
19:17
Speaker 2: That's like, damn it. I reached out because the curiosity. Yeah,
19:19
Speaker 2: the curiosity. I know you're a curious cat. I'm so curious.
19:22
Speaker 1: I want to understand humans and why they do what
19:25
Speaker 1: they do.
19:25
Speaker 2: You think that ever be something that you would want
19:28
Speaker 2: to do. Yeah, I'm curious.
19:30
Speaker 1: And my mum reached out to him on Facebook a
19:34
Speaker 1: little while ago and just sent him photos of my
19:36
Speaker 1: kids and he replied and said, did you ask Ash
19:40
Speaker 1: if she can send these?
19:41
Speaker 2: That's the only thing he said?
19:42
Speaker 1: Yeah?
19:42
Speaker 2: Wow yeah, not like oh wow, they're my grandchildren, how beautiful?
19:47
Speaker 2: Nothing interesting? Yeah. Mom's like, ah, i'd have a that
19:51
Speaker 2: soation with you, something to explore. Yeah, but I wonder
19:53
Speaker 2: if he even reply to me. Some things he won't.
19:55
Speaker 2: Would you be worried if he didn't respond?
19:57
Speaker 1: Not really, because I'm attached to it, But even my
20:00
Speaker 1: hum told me recently, I was like, oh wow. So
20:03
Speaker 1: I growing up always would go letterbox my birthday and
20:06
Speaker 1: hope that he sent a letter and like want to
20:08
Speaker 1: call him and just like is dad gonna da da da?
20:10
Speaker 1: And asking him so many questions And my mum said
20:14
Speaker 1: there was a point where he only wanted contact.
20:17
Speaker 2: With Matt and not me.
20:19
Speaker 1: Oh but yeah, I think there would just be the
20:21
Speaker 1: curious part of me and wanting to hear his story
20:23
Speaker 1: because it is a story there. Yeah, but I almost
20:26
Speaker 1: like I'd love to interview him and the like have
20:28
Speaker 1: no relationship with him after you have said this for yeah,
20:30
Speaker 1: because he's a stranger. Yeah, to build a relationship with
20:33
Speaker 1: an old man that I don't know, you, like, you
20:36
Speaker 1: have not been a part of my whole life.
20:37
Speaker 2: You're literally a stranger. Yeah, you like don't have that
20:40
Speaker 2: emotional connection with not one bit, just be pure curiosity,
20:43
Speaker 2: pure questions.
20:44
Speaker 1: Yeah, And like I honestly don't feel anger. I think
20:48
Speaker 1: it's a bit strange. I think it's a bit sad,
20:51
Speaker 1: but almost like you're lost to your grandkids, You're missing
20:54
Speaker 1: out on them, you know. Yeah, but I would be
20:57
Speaker 1: able to interview him and.
20:59
Speaker 2: Say yeah, wow.
21:01
Speaker 1: And like when he dies, I'm like, do I go
21:02
Speaker 1: to his funeral?
21:03
Speaker 2: Is that just weird? Would you feel sad if you
21:05
Speaker 2: didn't go. I don't think so.
21:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, because once again he's a stranger. I was close
21:10
Speaker 1: with his parents, and I still talk to one of
21:12
Speaker 1: his brothers. His other brothers passed from aneurism, so I
21:16
Speaker 1: still talk to one of his brothers, but it's uncomfortable.
21:19
Speaker 1: If I've ever asked anything about my father, he shouts
21:21
Speaker 1: it down really quickly.
21:22
Speaker 2: Wow, so he must know the story. Yes, that's wanting
21:25
Speaker 2: to understand. Yeah, well, when he won't talk to me
21:27
Speaker 2: about it, like what happened? Yeah, you never know, maybe
21:30
Speaker 2: one day, maybe one day. See where do you still
21:35
Speaker 2: feel like a fraud even though people admire you? Fraud's
21:39
Speaker 2: a big word, it is, Yeah, but you know, like
21:42
Speaker 2: maybe a better word would be like imposter syndrome, because
21:45
Speaker 2: that's how I see that word. I see fraud, Like, oh,
21:47
Speaker 2: where you feel like, oh shit, am I undeserving of this?
21:50
Speaker 2: Or yeah? Am I not the person who gets to
21:52
Speaker 2: have this? Like that's where my mind goes.
21:54
Speaker 1: I feel lately, But I also have just come back
21:56
Speaker 1: from a lot of traveling. But I feel lately. I
21:59
Speaker 1: feel I'm quite admired for being able to juggle everything
22:02
Speaker 1: really well.
22:03
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, and I think.
22:04
Speaker 1: I am very good at that because I'm quite structured,
22:06
Speaker 1: and I'm good at prioritizing my time, and I'm a
22:10
Speaker 1: hard worker and I'm very present when I with my kids.
22:12
Speaker 2: I think I do do it really well. But lately
22:14
Speaker 2: I feel like I'm drowning.
22:16
Speaker 1: I feel like I can't quite get on top of everything. Yeah,
22:19
Speaker 1: and I feel a bit more pulled into hideaway at
22:21
Speaker 1: the moment. And We've got big plans for she Rises,
22:23
Speaker 1: which we're actually going to a retreat soon so we
22:25
Speaker 1: can really cone in our big project. But I feel
22:28
Speaker 1: like I'm not doing anything really well. I feel like
22:31
Speaker 1: I'm kind of doing everything at sixty percent. Yeah, I'd
22:34
Speaker 1: like to keep everything one hundred percent. And Taj and
22:37
Speaker 1: Steve have been quite sick, so homes felt a bit
22:39
Speaker 1: harder as well. So yeah, I just feel like I'm
22:42
Speaker 1: not managing everything as well as what I normally would.
22:45
Speaker 1: So if I get a message today, say I get
22:47
Speaker 1: them all the time, Wow, you just manage life so well,
22:49
Speaker 1: I'll be like, I'm not at the moment, sweety. But
22:53
Speaker 1: I was in a voice Masgine, you say, hey, I
22:55
Speaker 1: know it looks like that, but just know I also
22:57
Speaker 1: struggle sometimes. Right now, I feel like I'm drowning. Yeah,
22:59
Speaker 1: you know, I'm not coping. And social media is great
23:02
Speaker 1: because I share a lot, but there's also a.
23:04
Speaker 2: Lot I don't share.
23:05
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, my kids are having tantrums or I'm going
23:07
Speaker 1: through a really hard time, Like I'm not always going
23:08
Speaker 1: to share it well in the midst of it, or
23:10
Speaker 1: go through it and go inwards and then come out
23:13
Speaker 1: with lessons and share it then.
23:15
Speaker 2: Talk about it in a productive way as like emotional
23:17
Speaker 2: dumping onto social media. Yeah, and I have done that
23:20
Speaker 2: before too, But there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah, so
23:23
Speaker 2: I know what you mean. You're not that's not your
23:26
Speaker 2: first thing now is to go show No, yeah, not anymore.
23:30
Speaker 1: So yeah, maybe they're Yeah, I feel like i'd be
23:32
Speaker 1: deserving of a message or you know what, it makes
23:34
Speaker 1: you feel like a fraud. But I don't like that word.
23:36
Speaker 1: I don't know why I've got resists to that word.
23:38
Speaker 1: But when people be like, oh my gosh, You've done
23:39
Speaker 1: so well with Hideaway, I'm like, no, no, no, no, no,
23:42
Speaker 1: I have not done well with Hideaway. Steven Moum have
23:45
Speaker 1: done well with Hideaway, and the amazing team we have
23:47
Speaker 1: has done one with Hideaway. Yes, I contribute and yes,
23:49
Speaker 1: I work really hard for that brand. And yes I've
23:52
Speaker 1: been the face of and I've got big roles in
23:54
Speaker 1: there for sure that really help. But everyone does. It
23:56
Speaker 1: is such a big collective thing.
23:57
Speaker 2: It's a team.
23:58
Speaker 1: Yeah, even like a web designer guy like hr all
24:01
Speaker 1: our stuff that make the products in our warehouse in Arundel,
24:05
Speaker 1: all the graphics and marketing team like all they're cool
24:08
Speaker 1: ideas how they make the website. Like Steve here's the
24:11
Speaker 1: hardest worker. I know how he manages the ad accounts,
24:13
Speaker 1: manages the team and comes up with ideas and just
24:16
Speaker 1: keeps a ship running, has everything on his shoulders. So
24:19
Speaker 1: when I get that compliment, I really don't like it. Yeah,
24:21
Speaker 1: and I'm very quick to correct it.
24:22
Speaker 2: I was going to say you often correct straight away interviews.
24:26
Speaker 2: I don't think i've ever heard you say like, oh
24:28
Speaker 2: my god, I built hardaway on my own. You never
24:30
Speaker 2: see your credit where credit is due.
24:32
Speaker 1: And sometimes people in an interview will say, oh, you're
24:33
Speaker 1: the founder of Herder.
24:34
Speaker 2: I'm like, no, I'm not.
24:35
Speaker 1: I'm the co owner. Yeah, my mum is the founder.
24:38
Speaker 2: We bought to off her. Yeah, I'm going to claim
24:40
Speaker 2: something that's not you know, that's not true. Yeah, I understand.
24:43
Speaker 1: So when that comes my way, it makes me Yeah. Yeah,
24:46
Speaker 1: I'm very quick to give credit where credits due, you are, Yeah,
24:49
Speaker 1: I voiced this recently on the podcast.
24:50
Speaker 2: Actually where like I have like spurts of self doubt,
24:53
Speaker 2: you know, and like I'm not exempt to self doubt,
24:55
Speaker 2: do you know what I mean? I know what I want,
24:57
Speaker 2: I know what we're doing. We have big plans for
24:58
Speaker 2: she rises. I've got big plans and doing big things
25:00
Speaker 2: with my business as well. I know what it requires
25:03
Speaker 2: of me. But that doesn't mean that doesn't come with
25:05
Speaker 2: any doubt, you know. And so there are times where
25:07
Speaker 2: let's say'm feeling a little bit more emotionally stretched, where
25:10
Speaker 2: I'll be like, who the fuck do I think I
25:12
Speaker 2: have to be doing this shit? Like you know what
25:13
Speaker 2: I mean? Like what do you mean I get to
25:16
Speaker 2: work and yeah, with my best friend for ten hours
25:18
Speaker 2: a day and call it a job. Yeah, I mean
25:20
Speaker 2: like that, or the fact that we get to run
25:23
Speaker 2: retreats internationally, and I'm like, am I in over my head?
25:27
Speaker 2: Like some because of the big vision and the big
25:29
Speaker 2: plans that we have, And sometimes I feel like not
25:33
Speaker 2: that I've bitten off more than I can chew because
25:34
Speaker 2: I never feel like that. I just feel like, wa,
25:36
Speaker 2: this is big. Yeah, you know. And then then if
25:39
Speaker 2: I feel stretched or i feel like I'm having a
25:41
Speaker 2: bad day where I'm like a little bit more in
25:43
Speaker 2: my head or a little bit more anxious or whatever,
25:45
Speaker 2: then I'll be like, oh, do I feel like an imposter? Like?
25:47
Speaker 2: Am I the person who gets to do this? Am
25:50
Speaker 2: I the person who's going to be able to create this?
25:52
Speaker 2: And all of those things. So it's not around all
25:54
Speaker 2: the time because for the most part, I'm in a
25:56
Speaker 2: pretty good headspace. But when it comes and it knocks
25:58
Speaker 2: me a little bit, I'm like, oh, that's cheeky. It's cheeky.
26:00
Speaker 2: But it doesn't last too long. No, it's going to
26:02
Speaker 2: catch it. Yeah, I can come back from it pretty quick.
26:05
Speaker 2: I have enough tools now under my belt that it
26:08
Speaker 2: doesn't last very long.
26:09
Speaker 1: Yeah.
26:09
Speaker 2: Even if it does, I reparent myself and I, you know,
26:12
Speaker 2: reframe all of my stories, and if I encourage myself,
26:15
Speaker 2: I work through those stories pretty quickly. And then I
26:17
Speaker 2: come back and bounce back and I'm like, yeah, I
26:19
Speaker 2: got this, Like that's cool. I get to decide who
26:22
Speaker 2: I'm going to be. I get to decide if this
26:23
Speaker 2: is going to work for me, I get to decide
26:25
Speaker 2: that I get to be the girl that this happens for,
26:28
Speaker 2: you know, and not because it happens for me. It's
26:29
Speaker 2: because I've made it happen. Yeah, made you know. So
26:31
Speaker 2: I think that's also really cool. That's cool. Yeah.
26:35
Speaker 1: What part of you do you most struggle to accept?
26:37
Speaker 2: Oh, it's gonna have it? Like resisting that, I was like, oh, no,
26:40
Speaker 2: that's not it. Yes, I'm just going to answer. The
26:43
Speaker 2: first thing that comes to my mind is my seductress. Yeah. Yeah,
26:47
Speaker 2: maybe because of the sexual shame that I've had over
26:49
Speaker 2: the years, I think that's still a part of me
26:51
Speaker 2: that I still resist because I feel in the past
26:54
Speaker 2: she's gotten me in trouble, she's a check. I've made
26:58
Speaker 2: some cheeky decisions and not so nice decisions and things
27:03
Speaker 2: that have got me in trouble and all that sort
27:05
Speaker 2: of stuff. So I think maybe in my head I
27:06
Speaker 2: still have a story that my stuctress is naughty, bad naughty,
27:10
Speaker 2: not a good naughty Yeah, you know, she's like she's
27:12
Speaker 2: a deviant almost right, and I maybe have some negative associations,
27:15
Speaker 2: which she's good for me to look at, actually, but yeah,
27:18
Speaker 2: that part, I feel cool.
27:20
Speaker 1: Actually, I am struggling to accept that I'm getting older.
27:24
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's strain.
27:25
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't want to get older. Yeah, I love
27:30
Speaker 1: being in my thirties. I'm thirty six, twenty thirty seven.
27:33
Speaker 1: But yeah, I just feel like on social media there's
27:35
Speaker 1: a lot of comments lately about my age and how
27:38
Speaker 1: I look and that I'm expired and all just all
27:41
Speaker 1: these you know, it's just shit, Yeah, crap. But I
27:45
Speaker 1: think when you're online and you hear things over and
27:46
Speaker 1: over again, it definitely like sits there. Yeah, and it
27:49
Speaker 1: makes you reflect. I'm like, oh, I am getting older,
27:52
Speaker 1: but I also won't ever let it stop me living
27:55
Speaker 1: my life and doing the thing. We even talked about
27:56
Speaker 1: sleepovers last night. Yeah, we're like, why do people stop
27:59
Speaker 1: doing girl sleepovers?
28:00
Speaker 2: Why is it not acceptable as in adults? Yeah, and
28:02
Speaker 2: I'm like so much fun, And I said to you
28:04
Speaker 2: should much a well a sleepway. I'm not going to stop.
28:06
Speaker 2: I love it. If the best time and we have
28:08
Speaker 2: our stay, Care's so much fun. We still sleep at
28:11
Speaker 2: each other's house literally, just sometimes you'll be like, yeah,
28:14
Speaker 2: I feel the emotional I needs in love. Yeah.
28:17
Speaker 1: And then obviously Steve's nine years older than me. So
28:19
Speaker 1: that's just scary when people getting older, and when you
28:22
Speaker 1: think about your parents, how old my mum is, and
28:25
Speaker 1: even just tar shitting double digits this year, I'm like,
28:27
Speaker 1: holy shit, is going to be a teenager soon living
28:29
Speaker 1: his life. And the older he gets, the more like detached.
28:33
Speaker 1: Obviously he is, because he's coming into his own person.
28:36
Speaker 1: He's got his own opinions, He's wanting to be with
28:38
Speaker 1: his friends more. He's talk about when he turns eighteen
28:41
Speaker 1: he wants to go traveling and like live in New
28:42
Speaker 1: Zealand or American I'm like, what do you mean gonna move?
28:46
Speaker 1: Like are you going to stay here forever? And this generation,
28:49
Speaker 1: I feel like you're staying at home a lot longer.
28:50
Speaker 1: I want my kids to be at home.
28:51
Speaker 2: You know, I don't know.
28:53
Speaker 1: Just yeah, so much is changing and it's all beautiful
28:56
Speaker 1: and exciting and I've never felt more peaceful and happy
28:59
Speaker 1: and content and excited full life. Yeah, I definitely have
29:02
Speaker 1: a bit of resistance of just getting older. Yeah, And
29:06
Speaker 1: I think there's been like talk around metopause lately, and
29:08
Speaker 1: if I have any symptom I talk about online, people
29:09
Speaker 1: swap a up like, oh you've got premenopause, perimenopause, and
29:12
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my gosh. And Natchpad actually messaged me
29:15
Speaker 1: and she was like, please ignore any comments you get
29:17
Speaker 1: about about that, like you're not there when you get there,
29:21
Speaker 1: there's so much that we can do to support your
29:22
Speaker 1: body and everything you're doing now and blah blah blah.
29:24
Speaker 1: And I was like, yeah, it's just I don't know,
29:27
Speaker 1: just thoughts recently of getting older.
29:29
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it is a scary topic and it
29:31
Speaker 2: can be hard pilled or swallower, and especially it's so
29:33
Speaker 2: many layers because it's change, it's different seasons. Yeah, it's
29:38
Speaker 2: you know, like what you mentioned about parents getting older,
29:41
Speaker 2: and then it's you know, I just.
29:42
Speaker 1: Yeah, even a lot there. There's a comment on social
29:44
Speaker 1: media the other day. I was like, I'm so inspired
29:47
Speaker 1: by how much you embrace all of your changes to
29:50
Speaker 1: your body after having two kids, like way more sale,
29:52
Speaker 1: like your hips are wider, and like pointed out the
29:55
Speaker 1: flaws in my body wow from being older and having kids.
29:59
Speaker 2: And I was like what damn. I was like, I
30:02
Speaker 2: thought I looked okay for having two kids. Maybe like
30:05
Speaker 2: doubt it. And I look back at my photos.
30:07
Speaker 1: I'm like I don't think I'm that much different, like probably, yeah,
30:10
Speaker 1: a bit saggy for sure. Oh please, But just when
30:12
Speaker 1: someone points it out, it's like, oh yeah, it kind
30:15
Speaker 1: of dims your confidence a little bit. Yeah, because I
30:19
Speaker 1: show a lot on social media, I share my workouts
30:21
Speaker 1: that people just watching me being like, who is this old?
30:23
Speaker 2: Dark? Like gross, you look insane? I actually I get
30:26
Speaker 2: LOOKI trigger when she comes over here, she's like look saggy,
30:29
Speaker 2: or like she makes a joke or something like this.
30:30
Speaker 2: I'm like, bitch, I'm gonna slap you. I don't feel
30:32
Speaker 2: like I put my body down much. It'sah my face,
30:34
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I can't. I'm like, you look insane.
30:37
Speaker 2: Oh to common things like people are taking freedom of
30:40
Speaker 2: speech wee too seriously, they really do, and to the
30:42
Speaker 2: point where it's so disrespectful because obviously they're behind the
30:44
Speaker 2: screen like they have no consequences to their actions, and
30:47
Speaker 2: I just don't care.
30:48
Speaker 1: I sometimes think like even that common I'm like, oh,
30:50
Speaker 1: I can feel she's coming from a good place. She's like,
30:52
Speaker 1: I'm so inspired that you embrace your body and all
30:54
Speaker 1: your saline blah blah blah. Like I can feel it
30:56
Speaker 1: was from a good place. Yeah, so I'm like, oh, thanks,
31:01
Speaker 1: I think I don't really know how to respond to that.
31:03
Speaker 1: And then there's others that are just blatant, like you
31:05
Speaker 1: look like you're fifty, go get a facelift.
31:08
Speaker 2: Oh my god. You know, it's just so.
31:12
Speaker 1: Blunt, And I think they feel they can say anything
31:14
Speaker 1: to me because they feel quite connected and bonded and
31:17
Speaker 1: close to me because I've just showed up for the
31:18
Speaker 1: last fifteen years of their life, of my life. They've
31:21
Speaker 1: grown with me, so they feel this connection. But I'm like,
31:24
Speaker 1: if you feel that close, like my best friend wouldn't
31:26
Speaker 1: tell me.
31:26
Speaker 2: To go get a face lift. I think entitled entitled
31:30
Speaker 2: to openly share. I think people have no regard for
31:32
Speaker 2: what they say, Like there is no way in hell
31:34
Speaker 2: that I would ever comment on anyone on social media.
31:36
Speaker 2: I don't care who it was. And for the most part,
31:38
Speaker 2: it's usually people have fake profiles or have a picture
31:40
Speaker 2: of a cat or a dog. I would never pick
31:42
Speaker 2: out a woman, say your life and their name is
31:44
Speaker 2: like Nikki Underscore seven four seven, Yeah, come.
31:46
Speaker 1: On, yeah, in the l it's interesting, it's interesting. But
31:51
Speaker 1: when you already have a little bit of insecurity about
31:53
Speaker 1: something and then someone says something obviously within you anyway. Yes,
31:57
Speaker 1: it's it just makes it a bit bigger. It's a
31:58
Speaker 1: natural human response. Like everyone knows I don't like my face,
32:01
Speaker 1: so when you guys come to my face, it's like
32:02
Speaker 1: I already fucking don't like it. You don't need to
32:04
Speaker 1: tell me. I already know my saga jaws at that.
32:08
Speaker 1: You don't need to tell me sweedie, I look at
32:09
Speaker 1: them every day off it. So yeah, getting old, getting
32:15
Speaker 1: old and all facets of just like I kind of
32:17
Speaker 1: want to freeze time right now and not get older.
32:19
Speaker 2: You know, when you want to freeze time though, it
32:21
Speaker 2: means that you love life right now. Yeah, which is beautiful.
32:25
Speaker 1: Yeah, getting older is obviously a privilege, and so you're
32:28
Speaker 1: so lucky to get older the sure, but it's also
32:31
Speaker 1: scary and just change.
32:32
Speaker 2: Yeah.
32:33
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just feel like a blinked and targe as
32:35
Speaker 1: this adult. I'm like, whoa you tallder me soon? Very interesting,
32:38
Speaker 1: it's so intelligent and just not a tolerant anymore.
32:41
Speaker 2: It's wild alrighty guys, that's all for our road questions,
32:45
Speaker 2: says enjoyed this. It's so much for joining us, and
32:48
Speaker 2: we hope this inspires you to ask deep for questions
32:50
Speaker 2: and get curious and to be able to answer freely
32:52
Speaker 2: without any fear of judgment, and whilst also holding space
32:55
Speaker 2: for other people to answer freely and share their most
32:57
Speaker 2: vulnerable thoughts too, and.
32:58
Speaker 1: Know that like a lot of those questions were hard
33:00
Speaker 1: for us to answer. Yeah, like even me talking about
33:02
Speaker 1: my insecurities in my face and my body or whatever,
33:04
Speaker 1: like that's hard to talk about in front of tens
33:06
Speaker 1: of thousands of people. You know, all the things that
33:08
Speaker 1: you've carried shamee for all your seductious or whatever. You know,
33:11
Speaker 1: this isn't easy for us to talk about. But we
33:13
Speaker 1: do this because you want to show you the power
33:15
Speaker 1: of being vulnerable and that you're not alone in your thoughts.
33:18
Speaker 1: We all have dark thoughts, negative thoughts, insecurities. We're not
33:21
Speaker 1: exempted any of it. No matter how good our life
33:24
Speaker 1: looks and how confident we are and how much work
33:25
Speaker 1: we've done, there's still always things that we're working on,
33:29
Speaker 1: things that you might not know about.
33:30
Speaker 2: But it's cool to ask.
33:31
Speaker 1: These questions, to just dive that little bit deeper, because
33:33
Speaker 1: it helps you get to know why are you doing
33:35
Speaker 1: the things you do and where they show up and
33:37
Speaker 1: are they affecting your life in a negative positive way.
33:39
Speaker 2: Are they holding you back? Yeah, definitely. Are they taking control?
33:44
Speaker 2: Lead your life with curiosity and yes, you'll get fun.
33:46
Speaker 1: It's the best word, isn't it. Thanks guys, we'll see
33:48
Speaker 1: in the next episode. Bye bye,