Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 677: Warning: THIS Will Make You Break No Contact (And You'll Regret It)

Transcript

Episode 677: Warning: THIS Will Make You Break No Contact (And You'll Regret It) · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:00
  Well, it happened again. It happened again.
• 0:05
  One of my clients was in no contact and at a certain point
• 0:10
  he went rogue, did what he thought was the right thing
• 0:14
  without asking me, and yes, you know the outcome.
• 0:17
  He lived to regret it. So what did he do?
• 0:20
  And what can you learn from it so it doesn't happen to you?
• 0:24
  Well, stay tuned and you'll find out.
• 0:26
  And welcome back my beautiful no contact Army.
• 0:28
  Have you been a good little soldier or a bad little soldier
• 0:32
  like my client that I'm about to tell you about?
• 0:34
  And if you are having trouble staying no contact, be sure to
• 0:37
  download my app Silencio. The link is underneath every
• 0:40
  single video and podcast. And if you too would like to
• 0:43
  join our beautiful no contact Army, all you have to do is hit
• 0:47
  the subscribe button and the bell notification and you're in.
• 0:53
  And to read our manual, go to nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 0:57
  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
• 1:01
  OK, so let me set the stage for you.
• 1:05
  My client had been in no contact for about 90 days, three months.
• 1:10
  It's a long time. He has an anxious attachment
• 1:13
  style so it wasn't an easy 90 days.
• 1:16
  He would constantly e-mail me asking questions because he
• 1:21
  heard nothing. This is the second breakup with
• 1:25
  this woman. She ghosted him the first time
• 1:28
  and now she ghosted him again. So what happened?
• 1:35
  Well, this, this woman's daughter contacted him, and she
• 1:43
  said that someone had said that he had been cheating on her, on
• 1:50
  his ex when they were together. And he said, come on, you know
• 1:55
  me. Do you think I would cheat on
• 1:57
  your mother? No, no, of course not.
• 2:00
  And then she said, well, my mother's really upset.
• 2:04
  Can you contact her? Well, let me read you the letter
• 2:08
  that he sent me. OK.
• 2:10
  It'll explain everything. So he starts with I played the
• 2:14
  part of a fool. I allowed Carrie's daughter to
• 2:19
  get me to break no contact. She reached out telling me how
• 2:23
  bad her mom is hurting. Oh poor baby she goes to the now
• 2:27
  she's hurting and I really need to reach out to her like you
• 2:31
  suggested. I told her if your mom is really
• 2:34
  hurting that bad she needs to reach out to me.
• 2:37
  Exactly that's what I told him. She believed that I was cheating
• 2:42
  and never even talked to me about it.
• 2:46
  She was on the verge of crying. So like an idiot I wrote my ex a
• 2:51
  letter and left it in her car. EW.
• 2:55
  I told her I really didn't understand the silence and about
• 2:59
  the chemistry we have and that I still had feelings for her.
• 3:03
  EW. What did I say to you guys about
• 3:07
  expressing your feelings? Pouring out your feelings.
• 3:10
  If you haven't heard that video or podcast I said the only time
• 3:15
  you should be doing that is on your wedding day.
• 3:17
  If you find yourself in a position where you feel you need
• 3:19
  to pour out your feelings, express your feelings, it's a
• 3:22
  bad sign. It's a bad sign people do not
• 3:25
  care about your feelings, they only care about theirs.
• 3:30
  I'm talking about in terms of interest level.
• 3:32
  OK, because she knew he had feelings for her but she ghosted
• 3:37
  him anyway. So she didn't care about his
• 3:39
  feelings. So why would she care about them
• 3:41
  now? She only cares about her
• 3:42
  interest level. Her interest level, for whatever
• 3:45
  reason, went went down. So she took off.
• 3:47
  Oh, and now it's coming back up. And now suddenly she's
• 3:51
  interested again to carry on. So he left this letter and he
• 3:57
  talked to the daughter the next day and she said, yeah, my mom
• 3:59
  got the letter. And he's like, yeah, and, and
• 4:06
  nothing. And she just said, oh, well, you
• 4:08
  have to give my mom more time. More time for what?
• 4:12
  I just spoke with him last night.
• 4:13
  It's been a week since he sent the letter.
• 4:16
  What does she need time for if she's hurting so badly?
• 4:19
  If she really thought that he had been cheating and now she
• 4:24
  found out, No, he wasn't cheating.
• 4:26
  And he wrote you a letter. He pacified any fears you might
• 4:30
  have. Well, what are we waiting for?
• 4:33
  What exactly are we waiting for? And she said, yeah, give give
• 4:39
  him more. Give her more time.
• 4:41
  He goes on to say. I didn't see the forest because
• 4:44
  of the trees. So in your opinion, how bad did
• 4:50
  I blow it? I know no contact starts over.
• 4:53
  Is it even worth it now? I made myself look at a first
• 4:56
  class idiot. I failed no contact.
• 4:58
  I failed you and I failed me. Yeah, that's the problem with
• 5:01
  failing no contact. Nobody wins.
• 5:04
  Nobody wins. So what went wrong here?
• 5:06
  I asked him. I said what?
• 5:08
  You knew you weren't supposed to do that, right?
• 5:11
  You didn't ask me if you should write a letter because he knew I
• 5:13
  was going to say no. I said what pushed you to do
• 5:16
  such an insane thing? He said because she was crying
• 5:19
  or on the verge of crying. So that's the problem.
• 5:23
  If you're met by tears by someone asking you to contact
• 5:27
  your ex, don't get sucked in. Now obviously if your ex shows
• 5:32
  up crying, OK, take that into and keep that in mind.
• 5:36
  But also, what's their attitude and what are the accompanying
• 5:39
  words with the crime? But don't fall for someone's
• 5:43
  tears, especially if you're a guy.
• 5:45
  And a lot of guys, as soon as a woman starts crying, OK,
• 5:48
  whatever you want, whatever you want, don't get sucked in.
• 5:52
  And this applies both in business and in relationships.
• 5:56
  Because I follow a guy on Instagram, some of you may
• 6:00
  follow him. Actually, he's quite popular,
• 6:01
  Giordani from Young, LA, and he had hired this guy to work on
• 6:08
  his outdoor patio, to put a fireplace, a fire pit, a gazebo,
• 6:13
  whatever. And he was doing a terrible job.
• 6:16
  He wouldn't show up and he was supposed to.
• 6:18
  He would show up, work for a couple hours, etcetera,
• 6:21
  etcetera, just not doing what he was supposed to do.
• 6:25
  And he would fire him and then his girlfriend, not him, the
• 6:29
  girlfriend would show up at his house.
• 6:32
  Oh, Mr. Giordani, please hire him back.
• 6:34
  Oh, please. He's good man.
• 6:36
  He does good job. Please hire him back.
• 6:39
  I don't know. I'm just, I don't know if she
• 6:41
  had an accent, but that's just my interpretation of the
• 6:43
  situation. And what did he do?
• 6:45
  He hired him back and he's finally fired him, probably I
• 6:51
  think for the third time and hopefully the final time he
• 6:54
  played himself. He played himself because of
• 6:56
  tears. And you know what, sometimes
• 6:58
  when someone is in front of you crying, you got to be heartless.
• 7:02
  I know it sounds terrible, but otherwise you're going to end up
• 7:05
  crying. You're going to end up playing
• 7:07
  yourself. And interesting to note, these
• 7:11
  two people, both this guy's ex and the guy that Giordani hired,
• 7:17
  they both sent go betweens. They didn't have the balls to
• 7:22
  actually come and talk to the person that they wronged.
• 7:27
  No, they had to send a go between, which speaks a lot to
• 7:29
  their character and it doesn't speak very well to it.
• 7:32
  So I just thought it was interesting that they both used
• 7:35
  a go between. And also in speaking to my
• 7:37
  client yesterday, he told me that after the first breakup,
• 7:41
  how they got back together, the daughter was also involved
• 7:44
  because she asked him to come to her house to help with
• 7:47
  something. And the mother was there.
• 7:50
  Aw, so it was all a setup. So I'm like, oh, so she uses her
• 7:53
  daughter each time she ghosts you.
• 7:56
  Now this woman, his ex. And by the way, these are not
• 8:00
  kids. They're not in their 20s.
• 8:03
  They're an older couple. And she should know better, but
• 8:08
  she is used to abusive relationships.
• 8:12
  She's been married three times. And so she can't handle someone
• 8:16
  who treats her well and she has to sabotage it.
• 8:20
  And so he has now been given strict instructions that he
• 8:25
  definitely is going to be asking the six questions.
• 8:27
  And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you can look it
• 8:31
  up. I'm going to put the link on
• 8:32
  YouTube on in the right hand corner.
• 8:36
  He's going to ask the six questions and he's going to ask
• 8:39
  her to make it up to him by going into therapy.
• 8:43
  That's the only way this is going to work.
• 8:45
  Otherwise he's going to get ghosted again.
• 8:49
  And it's not just oh, you have to go to therapy and or we won't
• 8:53
  get back together. OK, Yeah, I'll go to therapy.
• 8:55
  No, it's you're going to go to therapy.
• 8:57
  You're going to do at least 4 sessions and then we will
• 9:00
  reconvene and talk to them and see, you got to be tough because
• 9:04
  otherwise you're just going to get played again and you're
• 9:07
  going to be wasting more time when you're dealing with someone
• 9:10
  like this because it makes no sense.
• 9:12
  She's using the, oh, I thought he was cheating as an excuse.
• 9:15
  Because think about it, if you're dating someone and
• 9:19
  someone says, oh, he's cheating or he's got a girlfriend, she's
• 9:22
  got a boyfriend, would you just disappear or would you at least
• 9:26
  say, hey, are you cheating? 99% of people, even if they're a
• 9:32
  dismissive avoidant, which I am, are going to at least say, hey,
• 9:35
  I heard such and such someone, someone said this to me, is this
• 9:40
  true? They're not going to just
• 9:42
  disappear. And so she's using that as an
• 9:45
  excuse. Oh, well, she thought you were
• 9:47
  cheating. And you know what?
• 9:48
  I thought this, this is a brilliant strategy to use on
• 9:53
  someone else. Of course, I'm going to, I'm
• 9:54
  going to keep this in mind for my clients.
• 9:56
  If they ghost someone, then they're going to pretend that
• 10:00
  they're the victim that oh, well, I ghosted because I
• 10:02
  thought you were cheating. Oh, it's a brilliant strategy,
• 10:06
  right? And I'm also going to change how
• 10:09
  I do my coaching because when someone is very anxious like
• 10:13
  this client, I'm now going to categorize them as high risk.
• 10:17
  And I'm going to make sure to explain explicitly why they are
• 10:23
  not to take action whenever they ask me a question.
• 10:26
  They obviously need more handling.
• 10:28
  They need to be reminded to stay in no contact because I simply
• 10:34
  said to him when he said, listen, her daughter said, you
• 10:37
  know, she's hurt. Like should I reach out?
• 10:38
  And I said no, just respond with, well, if she's hurt, she
• 10:41
  can reach out to me. And if you're a dismissive
• 10:45
  avoidant, if you're a secure person, you go, OK, no problem.
• 10:49
  And you just say that and you don't take any action.
• 10:51
  But obviously, if you're anxious, you're going to need a
• 10:56
  bigger explanation in order for you to stay in no contact
• 11:00
  because now obviously this guy is regretting it and it didn't
• 11:03
  have to go like this, but it did.
• 11:06
  So the lesson is do not get swayed by someone's tears,
• 11:12
  especially if you're a guy, OK? Because sometimes people are
• 11:16
  manipulative with them and they're crocodile tears and
• 11:21
  they're just doing it because they know that most guys can't
• 11:24
  handle seeing a woman cry. So they're like, OK, OK, just
• 11:26
  stop crying. Stop crying.
• 11:27
  Just whatever you want. No, when it comes to your ex.
• 11:30
  And you know what? Sometimes even in business, you
• 11:34
  cannot be swayed by tears. Obviously, sometimes, yes, you
• 11:39
  can be swayed by tears, but you have to be able to discern that.
• 11:44
  And that comes with age and wisdom.
• 11:47
  OK, so now I want to hear from you.
• 11:51
  How long have you been in no contact and how is it going?
• 11:55
  Hopefully better than this guy. And if you would like my help to
• 11:59
  get your ex back, you can contact me at theartoflove.net
• 12:02
  and we will send you the rates. The direct link is also below.
• 12:07
  Every single video and podcast. If you found this video helpful,
• 12:11
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• 12:13
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• 12:16
  And finally, remember, love inspires, empowers, uplifts and
• 12:22
  enlightens.