Latest / AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation / [EP44] Why You Can't Say What You Really Need (And How to Finally Speak Up)

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[EP44] Why You Can't Say What You Really Need (And How to Finally Speak Up) · AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation

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  Why you can't say what you really need and how to finally speak up.
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  If you've ever stayed silent just to keep the peace, if you've ever said yes when everything
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  inside of you was screaming no, if you've ever felt guilty for simply having needs,
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  you've just taught yourself probably at some point that your needs make you a burden.
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  Over the next 11 minutes or so, I'm going to show you exactly how to unlearn that lie and
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  start communicating your needs with clarity, confidence, and zero guilt.
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  But the truth is, the right people will never punish you for being honest.
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  They'll thank you for it.
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  Your needs don't make you a burden.
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  Here's what we'll be covering.
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  First, the real reason you feel guilty for having needs.
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  It's most likely not what you think.
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  And then the one mindset shift that instantly removes the fear of speaking up.
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  And finally, the exact framework for you to communicate your needs without guilt,
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  blame, or anxiety.
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  But let me start by asking you something. How many times this week have you said, I'm fine,
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  when you weren't? How many times have you bitten your tongue, swallowed your truth,
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  and or changed your answer because you're afraid of how someone would react? If that's you,
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  then this message is for you. Because what I'm about to tell you might not be easy to hear at
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  first, but then it might set you free. So here's what's really happening. The guilt trap. Most
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  They struggle to communicate their needs because they lack confidence.
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  But that's not it.
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  You struggle because you've trained yourself at some point to believe that your needs are
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  inconvenient.
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  Think about your childhood.
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  What happened when you expressed what you needed?
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  Maybe you were told, stop being so dramatic.
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  Don't be so demanding.
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  Think about others for once.
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  So your nervous system, your body learns that speaking my needs equals rejection or
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  much. And as an adult, that program most likely is still running. And as you know, the body tells
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  the story of your life. And that's why you say yes when you want to say no. You over-explain
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  yourself when you set boundaries. You feel physically anxious before asking for what you need.
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  You apologize for things that aren't your fault. Your body's literally bracing for punishment.
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  Because once upon a time, expressing yourself wasn't safe perhaps. But here's what gets even
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  Unspoken needs don't disappear.
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  They turn into resentment.
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  You stay silent to keep the peace, but inside, you're keeping score.
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  You're waiting for people to just know what you need without you having to say it.
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  And when they don't, you feel hurt, unseen, and even more guilty for feeling that way.
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  And as Brene Brown says, clear is kind.
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  Unclear is unkind.
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  every time you don't speak your truth you're not protecting the relationship you're slowly
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  poisoning it and you're abandoning yourself in the process let's talk about the truths about your
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  needs the truth that maybe no one tells you having needs doesn't make you needy it makes you human
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  unless you actually are needy right you have emotional needs your physical needs your spiritual
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  needs, you have energetic needs, and acknowledging them isn't weakness. It's wisdom. It's awareness.
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  But somewhere along the way, you've learned or maybe you've taught yourself that good people
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  don't have needs. Good people are selfless. Good people sacrifice. Good people keep others
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  comfortable. And that is a lie that will destroy you from the inside out. Paolo Coelho said it
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  perfectly, when you say yes to others, make sure you're not saying no to yourself. Because every
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  time you deny your needs to avoid disappointing someone else, you're teaching your body, your
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  nervous system, I'm not worth prioritizing. And over time, that becomes your identity. You become
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  the person who's always there for everyone else, but never for yourself. The person who gives and
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  gives and gives until you're empty. The person who wonders why you feel so unseen when you're the one
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  hiding. So listen up. You're not responsible for other people's comfort. You're responsible for
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  your own truth. You can't control how someone reacts to your honesty, but you can control
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  whether you show up authentically or disappear to keep the peace. And disappearing, that's not love.
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  that's self-abandonment. When you say yes to others, make sure you're not saying no to yourself,
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  as Paulo Coelho said. And before I give you the three-step framework, let me tell you about
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  something. If you're done with swallowing your truth, if you need to stop feeling guilty about
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  simply existing, if you want to finally learn how to communicate with confidence instead of fear,
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  I'm hosting a free challenge coming up soon called the Elevate Inner Work Challenge.
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  And this is where we go beyond YouTube videos and actually rewire the patterns.
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  We identify where you learn to silence yourself.
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  We release the guilt and shame about having needs.
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  We practice real conversations in real time.
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  So you leave with tools, not just theory.
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  The link will be somewhere down below this video.
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  Now let me jump into the framework, the three stages.
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  First one is to get clear before you speak.
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  before you have any difficult conversations you need to get clear on one thing what do i actually
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  need here so this question i've asked a lot what do i want what do i need get clear on that first
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  not what you think you should need not what's reasonable what do you actually need because if
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  it's not clear within your words won't have power without right like outside of you here's how to
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  get clear. This is where our meditation and yoga practice helps so much. But a simple thing you can
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  do is close your eyes, get into your body or place your hand on your heart if that helps. Take a
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  breath, get embodied, get into the present moment and ask the questions of what am I trying to honor
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  or protect right here and what do I actually need? The answers might be I need more alone time, I need
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  to feel heard, I need this dynamic to change. Whatever comes up, don't judge it, start to just
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  As Prentice Hemphill beautifully said, boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and
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  me simultaneously.
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  You're not choosing between yourself and others.
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  You're finding the distance where both can exist.
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  Example, instead of a vague frustration, you say, I need more quiet time at home, not because
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  I don't love being together, but because I need that space to recharge.
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  So you see the difference how it's clear, it's honest, and there's no blame.
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  the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. Use I language, not blame.
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  Here's the thing. Blame closes hearts and honesty opens them. The second you say you've always or
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  you never, the other person's defenses go up and now it's a fight. But when you speak from I,
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  I feel or I need. You're not attacking, you're revealing. You're being vulnerable. Here's a
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  never listen to me. You could try, I feel unheard when I'm interrupted. What would help me is if we
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  could take turns sharing or speaking. Instead of saying, you don't care about my feelings,
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  you say something like, I feel disconnected when we don't talk about what's bothering us.
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  I need us to create space for that. See what happens, you're inviting understanding instead
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  of defensiveness. And here's a little mantra that might help. Say what you mean, mean what you say,
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  but don't say it mean. You can be honest without being harsh. You can have boundaries without
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  being cruel. And as Mel Robbins says, you can't set boundaries and take care of other people's
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  feelings at the same time. So stop trying. Speak your truth with love and trust that the right
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  people will meet you there. Third stage is release the outcome to let go. Perhaps for some people,
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  this is the hardest, but the most freeing. You can express yourself with love, with clarity,
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  but you cannot control how someone receives it. As it says in the Bhagavad Gita,
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  your authorities and your actions, not the results. So that's not rejection, that's just reality.
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  As Don McGarrew wrote in the Four Agreements, nothing others do is because of you. What others
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  do is a projection of their own reality. So if someone reacts defensively to your honesty,
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  that's their stuff most likely, not yours. If someone punishes you for having needs,
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  that's information about them, not proof that you are too much most likely. Communicating your needs
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  is about integrity, not approval. And here's your new mantra. My truth is safe to be seen and
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  communicating from that place. You can say it with love, you can say it clearly, and then let go
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  of the results. But here's what you need to know. The only person who gets upset when you set
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  boundaries are the ones who have benefited from you having none. So you might be thinking, well,
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  this all sounds great. What if I physically freeze up when I try to speak? And that's your nervous
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  system still running the old pattern. Speaking equals danger. So before having difficult
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  you might need to reset your nervous system.
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  And rather than, you know, little hacks,
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  this is why consistent meditation and yoga practice
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  is such an integral part of our framework,
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  of our body of work.
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  So you don't have to try and do little
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  kind of gimmicky things.
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  You're constantly shifting
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  what people call trauma or traumatic past
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  and the impressions of that
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  out of your body and your nervous system.
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  But if you need something really quickly,
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  right before you have a conversation.
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  Breathing is always powerful.
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  So you could take a few breaths,
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  3D breaths or 10D breaths.
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  I used to do that.
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  If it helps you, you can place your hand on your heart,
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  you can close your eyes
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  or just get present into your body
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  and start to speak to yourself
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  that it's safe, that my truth is safe
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  and I'm safe now.
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  That's the message.
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  Feel the energy of that, the words,
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  the energy of those words in your body
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  and in your nervous system.
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  And your body needs to hear what your mind already knows, perhaps.
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  All the stuff that we are talking about.
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  You're not that child anymore.
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  You're an adult with agency.
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  And speaking your truth won't kill you, even though it might feel like that.
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  The truth will set you free.
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  But first, it might piss you off.
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  And that's okay.
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  Anger is just clarity demanding to be heard.
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  So breathe, ground yourself, and speak.
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  The truth will set you free, but first, it might piss you off.
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  So imagine this.
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  You wake up tomorrow or someday soon, and that guilt is gone or mostly gone.
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  And it comes from small steps like consistent practice of these tools that I'm talking about.
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  Someone asks you something and you say no without over-explaining, without guilt, without fear.
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  You have difficult conversations and you don't spiral afterwards wondering if you said the wrong thing.
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  Press your needs clearly, kindly, and the right people actually thank you for it.
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  And that's not a fantasy.
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  That's what happens when you stop abandoning yourself to keep others comfortable.
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  You stop performing and start being real.
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  You stop shrinking and start taking up your space.
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  You stop apologizing for your needs and start honoring them.
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  Because here's what nobody tells you, most likely.
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  Your needs are valid.
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  feelings are valid, your truth is valid, just like every one of us. Not that you're perfect,
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  not when you've earned it right now, just as you are, because that is the true nature of
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  who we are and how we are. We are born enough. We are born loved completely, right? Perfect in
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  our imperfections. And when you finally believe that, everything changes. You stop attracting
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  people who need you to be silent and you start attracting people who love you whole just the way
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  you are your voice is your power use it with love not fear and here's my challenge for you for the
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  next 48 hours or you can do it for a week if you want communicate one thing you need you've been
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  suppressing doesn't have to be big can be something small i need an hour to myself today i need us to
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  talk about what happened. I need you to respect this boundary. Just one, say it clearly, say it
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  with love. Don't apologize for it. And then notice what happens, not just in the conversation,
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  but in your body. Notice how it feels to finally speak your truth instead of swallow it.
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  Because that, that's the beginning of freedom, your freedom. You don't have to shrink to be
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  loved. The right people will meet you where you're real, not where you're silent. And the ones who
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  Maybe they're never your people to begin with anyway.
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  So stop swallowing your truth.
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  Stop apologizing for your existence.
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  Stop waiting for permission to take up your space.
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  Speak.
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  You deserve to be heard.
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  You're most likely not too much.
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  You've just been in a space or spaces that are too small.