Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1230 - The 3-Step Solution to Better Emotional Regulation (R)

Transcript

#1230 - The 3-Step Solution to Better Emotional Regulation (R) · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: More and more parents are telling me that their children
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  Speaker 1: are emotionally disregulated. What does it mean? How do we
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  Speaker 1: help our children develop self regulation? Hold together, keep it cool?
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  Speaker 1: That is our conversations today on the Happy Families podcast
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  Speaker 1: Real Parenting Solutions Every day on Australia's most download parenting podcast,
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  Speaker 1: we are Justin and Kylie Coulson. One of the big
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  Speaker 1: conversations that I've been having recently with one of our children,
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  Speaker 1: I won't say which one because I don't want to
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  Speaker 1: embarrass anybody, has involved two words emotional regulation. Unfortunately, I
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  Speaker 1: often remind her of it Kylie at the very time
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  Speaker 1: that she's disregulated, and she doesn't respond kindly. Has anyone
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  Speaker 1: ever told you to regulate better when you've been a
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  Speaker 1: bit upset?
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  Speaker 2: I was just thinking about the fact that as parents,
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  Speaker 2: we're really worried about our kids' inability to be self regulated.
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  Speaker 2: But I'm wondering how many of us are actually very
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  Speaker 2: good at doing the same thing.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, we've all got that blind spot, haven't we. Would
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  Speaker 1: you just regulate yourself?
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  Speaker 2: Seriously?
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  Speaker 1: If I've told you once, I've told you one thousand times,
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  Speaker 1: and off we go.
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  Speaker 2: I know this is probably a silly question. But we
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  Speaker 2: talk about it all the time, this idea of self regulation.
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  Speaker 2: What exactly are you talking about.
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  Speaker 1: I don't think it's a silly question at all. If
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  Speaker 1: you were to try to define it, and you hadn't
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  Speaker 1: sat down and looked at a definition, it would be
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  Speaker 1: pretty tricky. I mean people would say it's holding it together,
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  Speaker 1: I guess would be the really easy way to define it.
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  Speaker 1: My definition of emotion regulation is the ability to either
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  Speaker 1: express your emotions or suppress your emotions in an appropriate
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  Speaker 1: way for the context, so that you can achieve goals
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  Speaker 1: that really do matter to you. And this is a
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  Speaker 1: really big deal. Like some people say, you shouldn't have
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  Speaker 1: to regulate your emotions, you should be allowed to be
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  Speaker 1: your authentic self. I think that's a terrible idea. We
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  Speaker 1: have to be well socialized, we have to be regulated.
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  Speaker 1: There are times where it's absolutely necessary. If you don't regulate,
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  Speaker 1: you usually upset people and it doesn't play out well
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  Speaker 1: at all.
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  Speaker 2: Well. The challenge is especially when it comes to relationships.
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  Speaker 2: I think about our frustration and our anger and our
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  Speaker 2: hurt is like this big bucket of black tar inside me.
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  Speaker 2: And if I decide to be my authentic self in
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  Speaker 2: any given moment, I'm literally just spewing that black tar
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  Speaker 2: all over the recipient, whoever it happens to be. How
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  Speaker 2: do I ever think that that is going to benefit
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  Speaker 2: our relationships?
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  Speaker 1: A moment of truth, I mean, let's turn the podcast
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  Speaker 1: into some therapy for a moment. Literally last night I
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  Speaker 1: was exhausted. I've damaged my knee, so I'm not able
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  Speaker 1: to move and get around the way I want to.
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  Speaker 1: We had dinner like two hours late. The kids were
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  Speaker 1: up late. You've been so flat out with a responsibility
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  Speaker 1: that you've taken on that we kind of haven't seen
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  Speaker 1: you for days. It's almost like it's become a full
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  Speaker 1: time job, but it's all volunteer work and you're not
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  Speaker 1: being paid for it or anything. And I miss you.
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  Speaker 1: We're not connecting. And finally at a at nine fifteen pm,
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  Speaker 1: I told you how I was really feeling because instead
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  Speaker 1: of talking to me, you'd laid down the bed and
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  Speaker 1: looked at your phone, and I was just like ah,
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  Speaker 1: and I did not regulate that is my goal. My
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  Speaker 1: actual goal was I miss you and I want to
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  Speaker 1: connect with you. I want to be close to you.
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  Speaker 1: I really want to just spend time in your presence
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  Speaker 1: and soak you up and love everything about the fact
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  Speaker 1: that we're married and we love one another. And I
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  Speaker 1: expressed it really, really ineffectively. I didn't express it appropriately
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  Speaker 1: for the context, and it did not help us to
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  Speaker 1: get towards that goal that I had of connecting with you.
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  Speaker 1: It drove disconnection. Our children are just as clumsy, and
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  Speaker 1: they've got more excuses about it than I do, because
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to be ahd in psychology and I'm not
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  Speaker 1: supposed to make those mistakes.
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  Speaker 2: But here's here's the interesting thing. We're so focused on
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  Speaker 2: helping our kids to be self regulated, and I wonder
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  Speaker 2: how many of us actually spend the time working on
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  Speaker 2: ourselves to be regulated.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and we need it for social reasons. We need like,
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  Speaker 1: let's say our kids. Let's go back to the kids
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  Speaker 1: for a sec. Our kids are playing a game and
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  Speaker 1: they know they get the snake. They're playing snakes and ladders,
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  Speaker 1: or they're playing checkers or chess, or they're on a
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  Speaker 1: screen playing a game with their friends, and things start
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  Speaker 1: to work out poorly. Now, their goal is partly to
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  Speaker 1: win the game, but more than that, to have fun,
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  Speaker 1: to have fun with their friends. But what happens is
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  Speaker 1: they get a bit emotional because things aren't going so
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  Speaker 1: well on the game. Because they're emotional and the game's
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  Speaker 1: not working out, what do they do. They they fail
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  Speaker 1: to regulate and they have a dummy spit, throw the
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  Speaker 1: toys out of the cot and instead of keeping the
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  Speaker 1: rules and waiting and losing well, which are all I guess,
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  Speaker 1: emotional suppression tactics because the long term goal is good relationships,
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  Speaker 1: they blow up and all go well, the bottom falls out.
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  Speaker 1: It just goes pear shaped. Some people will say, we
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  Speaker 1: shouldn't be teaching our kids to mask their emotions and
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  Speaker 1: to suppress their emotions, like these are really loaded terms,
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  Speaker 1: And I'm laboring this point because if our children can't
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  Speaker 1: suppress their emotions, they will not function, they won't have
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  Speaker 1: good relationships, they won't function well in class. So academically
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  Speaker 1: they'll struggle because if they're not able to work something out,
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  Speaker 1: they'll blow up, they'll lose the plot, they'll cry, they'll
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  Speaker 1: storm out of the classroom. Rather than regulating their emotions
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  Speaker 1: and saying to the teacher, I'm really struggling with this.
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  Speaker 1: It's hard. I'm feeling overwhelmed by it. Could you explain
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  Speaker 1: it to me one more time. Not that many seven
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  Speaker 1: year olds would say it like that, but you get
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  Speaker 1: my point. They will be more persistent with tasks. They
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  Speaker 1: will do better in life if they learn to regulate
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  Speaker 1: their emotions, just like the kids in the marshmallow experiment
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  Speaker 1: that Walter Mitchelle did way back in the nineteen sixties.
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  Speaker 1: You can have one marshmallow now, or when I leave
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  Speaker 1: the room, you can have two. That one hasn't been
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  Speaker 1: eaten until I come back. And the kids who regulated well,
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  Speaker 1: they got the goodies, and that self control, that self
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  Speaker 1: regulation was an asset to them throughout their lives. They
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  Speaker 1: did better at school, better in relationships, better with employment,
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  Speaker 1: better with finances, better with everything.
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  Speaker 2: I think it's really important to recognize and understand though
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  Speaker 2: part of that self regulation. In my mind, it's not
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  Speaker 2: about withholding emotion. It's actually been able to process emotion.
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  Speaker 2: You don't need to verbalize everything that you're experiencing.
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  Speaker 1: It's exhausting to be around someone who does in.
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  Speaker 2: Every moment to be able to process through it. And
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  Speaker 2: I love when our ten year old will have an
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  Speaker 2: outburst and she literally takes herself off to a room
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  Speaker 2: and within two or three minutes. She comes out and
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  Speaker 2: she's like, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to do that.
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  Speaker 2: I was just feeling really frustrated.
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  Speaker 1: It's interesting that you set our ten year old because
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  Speaker 1: emotion regulation begins to develop somewhere around the age of three.
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  Speaker 1: So when parents are getting mad at they're under threes,
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  Speaker 1: that's on us. We've got to stop getting mad. They
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  Speaker 1: don't have the ability to regulate, and it builds from
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  Speaker 1: the age of three. Most kids can regulate most of
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  Speaker 1: the time by about the age of nine. Most kids
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  Speaker 1: most of the time by about the age of nine.
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  Speaker 1: So you're saying a ten year old, she's just reached
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  Speaker 1: that point where she should be able to regulate most
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  Speaker 1: of the time. But if she doesn't, she's got the
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  Speaker 1: cognitive bandwidth to calm herself down later and then come
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  Speaker 1: back recognizing that she needs to do better in future. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: so after the break, Three ways that we can help
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  Speaker 1: our kids to regulate their emotions better. Okay, Kylie. Three
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  Speaker 1: ways that we can help our children to regulate their
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  Speaker 1: emotions better. That is, to suppress them when they should,
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  Speaker 1: express them when it's appropriate, and move towards constructive long
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  Speaker 1: term achievement.
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  Speaker 2: I love all of these, but we'll start with number one.
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  Speaker 1: It's a good place to start.
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  Speaker 2: Support don't solve. Yeah, this is really important for our
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  Speaker 2: kid's sense of autonomy.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's also important for their sense of competence and
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  Speaker 1: for building the relationship. So for anyone who's been listening
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  Speaker 1: to the pod for a while, you'll know that I'm
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  Speaker 1: a big, big proponent of a theory known as self
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  Speaker 1: determination theory that says that our kids got three basic
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  Speaker 1: psychological needs. They need to feel like they've got a voice,
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  Speaker 1: that they can choose what's going on. They need to
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  Speaker 1: feel like they're capable and competent, and they need to
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  Speaker 1: feel like they're close and connected. When we support don't solve,
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  Speaker 1: we tick every box. Because when we're supporting, we're saying, wow,
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  Speaker 1: this looks really tough, or you're having a hard time,
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  Speaker 1: or I can see how troubled you are, or you
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  Speaker 1: walk into the room and you say I can see
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  Speaker 1: two really angry kids who look like they want to
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  Speaker 1: fight with each other, and I'm here to help. And
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  Speaker 1: as soon as you do that, it comes every like
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  Speaker 1: the relationship feels good. But then as you support, you say, so,
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  Speaker 1: how do we figure this out? Or what's the best
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  Speaker 1: way for you empower the kids, so you give them voice, choice,
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  Speaker 1: autonom evolition, and you also say, I believe that you've
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  Speaker 1: got a brain in your head and you can figure
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  Speaker 1: this out, so you're giving them a sense of confidence
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  Speaker 1: as well. It's a simple three word solution to emotion
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  Speaker 1: regulation that makes all the difference. Support don't solve number two.
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  Speaker 2: When we've done the supporting and we're not wanting to
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  Speaker 2: solve and they're struggling, let's offer some hints.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, you've I think you've got the most beautiful story.
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  Speaker 1: It didn't involve one of our children, although I'm sure
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  Speaker 1: we could come up with plenty that do. With one
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  Speaker 1: of our eldest daughter's.
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  Speaker 2: Friends, we had gone over a play date one afternoon
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  Speaker 2: and our daughter's friend was in her room sobbing, and
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  Speaker 2: her mum stated that she wasn't allowed to come out
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  Speaker 2: of her room until she'd cleaned it. She'd been she'd
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  Speaker 2: been given the opportunity to clean it all day.
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  Speaker 1: No playdate for you until you've done. In our family,
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  Speaker 1: I've started saying you don't get the good stuff to
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  Speaker 1: you done the hard stuff. The kids hate it. They
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  Speaker 1: hate it, but that's the principle ride if you want
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  Speaker 1: to have the play day, you've got to do this
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  Speaker 1: stuff that's necessary first.
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  Speaker 2: So how daughter was itching to hang out with her friend,
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  Speaker 2: and I thought I might just go down and have
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  Speaker 2: a look and see whether or not I can sweet
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  Speaker 2: talk this little girl into getting a room done. When
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  Speaker 2: I walked into her room, I knew exactly why she
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  Speaker 2: was having an absolute meltdown. You couldn't see the floor.
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  Speaker 2: It was a dire, bolical mess for a six year old,
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  Speaker 2: complete overwhelm. I don't know about you, but I'm sure
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  Speaker 2: that you've experienced jobs where you kind of walk into
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  Speaker 2: the room and you go I don't even know where
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  Speaker 2: to start. And that's me as an adult. So imagine
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  Speaker 2: a six year old child looking at this space going
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  Speaker 2: where do I start.
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  Speaker 1: And an unsympathetic parentm I look at the child and say, well,
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  Speaker 1: you made the mess, and you figured out how to
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  Speaker 1: put it all on the floor, so you can figure
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  Speaker 1: out how to put it away.
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  Speaker 2: I sat in the room with Sarah and I just
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  Speaker 2: said to her, era, can you find ten blocks? And
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  Speaker 2: she looked at me and she said, uh huh.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so it's called chunking. Let's just do little chunks
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  Speaker 1: here and little.
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  Speaker 2: So she picked up ten blocks. I didn't do any
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  Speaker 2: of the work. She did it all. But I was
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  Speaker 2: able to sit with her, and because I wasn't emotionally
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  Speaker 2: attached or involved, I was able to calmly just encourage her,
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  Speaker 2: and we had the job done probably in about five
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  Speaker 2: to ten minutes, and she was calm, and she was
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  Speaker 2: so excited once she'd done, because she obviously could hang
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  Speaker 2: out with our door.
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  Speaker 1: I done.
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  Speaker 2: But so often we just think that our kids have
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  Speaker 2: the capacity to do way more than they're capable of,
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  Speaker 2: and other times we underestimate their abilities. But in this case,
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  Speaker 2: this actually needed mum's involvement.
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  Speaker 1: So some people, when I've shared that story have said, oh, well,
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  Speaker 1: that's because you were an outsider. You weren't mum. But
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  Speaker 1: it works as well when you are the parent, when
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  Speaker 1: you step and say I can see how hard this
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  Speaker 1: is for you, and I know you're really having a
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  Speaker 1: hard time keeping it together. What about if I help
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  Speaker 1: You don't actually do the work, you just off of
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  Speaker 1: those hints, You provide a little bit of gentle guidance,
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  Speaker 1: and that's where the results come. The third one is
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  Speaker 1: really simple. One read the room, so if your child
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  Speaker 1: is disregulated, have they eaten? What time of day is it?
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  Speaker 1: Do they need sleep? Is there any additional stress in
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  Speaker 1: their lives? I mean, if we go back to my
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  Speaker 1: therapeutic moment a minute ago, I was tired, I was stressed,
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  Speaker 1: I was missing you, We'd eaten super super late, and
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  Speaker 1: nothing was quite right, and I was disregulated. But if
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  Speaker 1: we follow these three things, support, don't solve, offer hints,
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  Speaker 1: and read the room, we're going to find that our
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  Speaker 1: children will be more regulated. And when they're not.
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  Speaker 2: They've got a gentle place to call.
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  Speaker 1: So perfectly said, that's to take home message. Be there
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  Speaker 1: for them, especially in those moments they need your connection
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  Speaker 1: when they quote unquote deserve it the least. Of course,
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  Speaker 1: they deserve it all the time because you love them
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  Speaker 1: and they're your kids. The Happy Families Podcasts is produced
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  Speaker 1: by Justin ruland from Bridge Media. More information and more
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  Speaker 1: resources to make your family happy can be found at
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  Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot you m hm