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How To Dom When You’re A Sub · The Kink Consultant

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  It's the King Consultant podcast where we're turning up the heat
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  on all things kink and dating, relationships and pop culture.
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  So close the door, plug in your headphones, and let's get down
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  to it. Hey everyone, welcome to this
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  week's episode of the Kink Consultant podcast.
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  I am doing a solo episode because I have been getting a
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  ton of questions lately about how do I Dom?
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  How do I switch? How do I play the dominant role?
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  People seem to have a lot of anxiety around being a Dom and I
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  wanted to address some of the concerns here.
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  So think of this as like quick tips and tricks into how to be a
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  Dom. As you all know in my stories on
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  Instagram every Monday I host Monday anything and this is the
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  question I get the most. My partner wants me to Dom and
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  I'm willing to do it I just have no idea how.
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  This one is super common because usually when I get this question
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  the person asking me is used to playing the submissive role and
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  their partner wants to be in the submissive role sometimes too.
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  Number one thing right here is I need you to let go of trying to
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  be the Dom your Dom is to you. That's not the type of Dom you
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  have to be. I say this all the time as a
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  switch. The sub I am is not the type of
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  sub I would want if I were a Dom.
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  My dominant energy, the type of dominant I play, is a caretaker
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  role. I can be strict and
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  authoritarian. What I need from my Dom is a
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  little bit harsher. And that's the thing when people
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  think, oh, I have to be a Dom, how do I get into my Dom energy?
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  They're thinking, how do I act like I'm in charge and they have
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  to do what I say, which is funny because that's the joke we all
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  say not to do as Subs. We don't want our Doms acting
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  like they're in charge and they know what's best and that's
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  that. We want them to pay attention to
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  us. So Dom energy isn't about being
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  that in control, authoritarian type all the time, although it
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  can be fun to play with that. Dom energy is about presence.
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  That's like the beginning and end.
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  You are there and you are creating a space.
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  Think of it like a bubble of energy that you are pulling your
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  submissive or the person who's going to play your submissive
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  into. OK, Once you have that frame of
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  reference, you realize this is a world you've created there in
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  it, and you get to call the shots.
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  Do you see how you're still in control?
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  But the idea is they're in your bubble and you have to protect
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  them in this bubble too. You don't want to make this a
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  prison experience unless it is a prison role play.
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  What you want to do is you want to decide that you are creating
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  a space for you and you're submissive to enjoy a scene, a
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  dynamic. And it might just be for a short
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  time. It might be for a long time, but
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  the point is, while you are the Dom, you do call the shots, but
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  you are constantly looking at your sub, You are there with
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  them, you are connected within the same bubble and your job is
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  both to guide them, lead them and take care of them.
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  So that requires a lot of presence and paying attention to
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  who they are and what they want. But you do not have to do this
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  blindly. What I mean by that is you get
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  to ask questions. You don't just invite them into
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  your bubble without saying, what are you looking for?
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  What would make you feel good? Get to know them.
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  I originally started teaching Dom energy because I, as a
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  switch, have struggled to lean into both my Dom energy and my
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  sub energy at times. So what I did for myself was I
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  sat back, carved a path for myself to easily step into my
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  Dom energy or my sub energy. And that's something that worked
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  for me. And I realized a lot of people
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  are struggling with this because they're not even thinking about
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  it from a point of, oh, I can step into this energy.
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  I can be in my dominant space and really owning it
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  authentically. Same for the submissive space.
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  So I decided I want to teach other people my method of how
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  I've done this in the past and what's worked for me to give
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  them options. Because I'm a firm believer that
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  you just need to create the right neural pathways to be
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  living a life you want to live. And that applies to Dom energy
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  as well. I have a lot of clients come to
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  me where 1 partner is submissive and they want their partner to
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  be dominant. Their partner loves them very
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  much, they want to try it, but they are lacking both the
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  confidence, skill, knowledge, understanding and belief in
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  themselves to be able to do it. That last part, belief in
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  themselves is what made me realize this is a very common
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  issue that has a semi easy solve.
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  So without that belief in themselves, they weren't able to
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  reflect inwards and think, OK, how do I want this to play out?
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  They were so focused on living up to the other person's
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  expectations. They didn't take time out to
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  think, what do I want out of this?
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  How do I want this to look? Which by the way is a large part
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  of how I work with couples because oftentimes people are
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  there to make their partner happy.
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  And then I ask them, well, what do you want?
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  And I'm telling you, there are usually 2 minutes of silence
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  because they weren't prepared for that question.
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  So I asked people in my Dom energy class to do the same
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  thing. Tell me what you want from this
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  and there can be a range answers.
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  A really common one that I don't want to scare anyone off is I
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  don't want to do this at all. You have to remember when things
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  are unfamiliar, they're super scary and it seems like
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  something you don't want to do. But until you try it and give it
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  like the old college try, you're not sure whether it's truly
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  something you don't want to do. If you have a boundary and being
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  a dominant is that that's your boundary, I totally respect
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  that. But if you're feeling like I
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  don't want to do this, it seems like a lot of work, I don't
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  think I'm going to enjoy it. I would encourage you to give it
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  a try. So when I'd ask what it is it
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  that you people would say, well, I just want to give them what
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  they want. And while I really appreciate
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  that answer because it comes from a place of love, I try and
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  tease out, OK, these are the types of dominance there are.
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  And I think if you've been following along, you may know,
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  but maybe you don't know. There's the caretaker type of
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  Dom. That might be the mommy daddy
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  type of Dom. There's the strict master type
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  of Dom. And they have a slave usually
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  who does everything they say. Pause here because I want you to
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  understand all of these rules still require you to care deeply
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  about this and care about their needs as well.
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  There's no version of this where you don't give a crap about your
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  sub. There's the financial Dom, and I
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  know a lot of people have stories about how they became a
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  fin Dom and someone bought them a house, but it really requires
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  expert knowledge and how to be a Dom.
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  There's the pleasure Dom, someone who's very focused on
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  using pleasure as a tool in their domination.
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  And then there's the stereotypical, I guess we'd just
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  call them Dom, and that might be the more authoritarian type who
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  has a firm guiding hand as opposed to the partaker Dom who
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  has sort of like a more gently guiding hand.
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  I ask people which one of those sounds most like you or the
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  version of you you'd like to be as a Dom.
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  Once we start to look at that question, we can get to the
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  authentic version of who that person is as a Dom.
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  That was such a common question that I created a free guide for
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  people called Speak Your Desires with Confidence.
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  That's a free download you can get in the show notes today
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  where I teach people how to talk to their partner about their
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  kink and discover their communication style.
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  It's a worksheet for both you and your partner to fill out
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  independently and then come together to walk through.
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  All the directions are inside to make it a really fun, enjoyable
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  workbook for you and your partner as opposed to feeling
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  like homework. So obviously I used to be a
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  professional dominatrix. I have played dominant to people
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  in really quick succession, like 5 or 6 sessions a night.
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  I would meet someone sometimes for the first time, figure out
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  what they wanted, and then Dom them in a session.
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  That gave me a really great understanding of being able to
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  ask people what they're looking for and being able to play the
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  Dom they wanted me to be. Something that I didn't fully
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  appreciate about that experience was how good I got at asking
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  people what they were looking for and really listening,
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  pulling the themes that they wanted from their session.
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  And I think that's something I didn't give enough credit to
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  that ability to do it because I trained on it.
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  But it wasn't like a sit down lesson where I learned how to do
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  it. I learned on the job.
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  Literally. It wasn't until I got into a
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  24/7 dynamic myself and watched my Dom do that for me that I
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  remembered, wow, this is a skill.
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  He is really good at it and I'm good at it too.
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  But for him, he has been a full time Dom to people for longer
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  periods of time, whereas I was doing it session by session or
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  in short relationships. It gave me a new perspective on
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  what it means to really communicate with your sub and
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  take the time to understand them better.
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  And I think that's something that's missing.
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  So I originally had a very popular class.
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  It's still one of my top selling courses, How to Tap Into Your
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  Dom Energy. And while I stand by that class
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  and I still think it's extremely valuable, I decided to launch
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  Dom Energy 2.0 to include more of that authentic communication
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  style and how to truly create a scene that is right for you and
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  your partner. I go through actually
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  communicating with your submissive and asking what
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  they're looking for, learning to understand the themes and pull
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  out the threads that make this their desire so you can play
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  with those in your scene with them.
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  By doing Dom Energy 2.0, I'm really going to help people step
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  into their Dom energy by helping them learn how to command a room
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  in an authentic and convincing way.
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  I'm showing people how to quickly study their partner to
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  create the scene they both desire.
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  One thing I think almost every Dom, no matter how experienced,
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  could change today that would give their sub a different
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  experience. Show up with your real feelings.
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  Do not pretend to be feeling stronger than you are, happier
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  than you are, calmer than you are.
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  Show up with your real feelings. If that is not the right energy
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  to bring to a scene where you're doming, like if you're very
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  anxious, I would say don't go into a scene, OK, but say you
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  are tired. Say you are really happy.
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  Do not change who you are just to do a scene as a Dom.
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  So show up with presents. Be true to who you are and how
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  you're authentically feeling. If you're tired, don't go into a
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  very dramatic scene with maybe a lot of intricate work.
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  Go at the pace you needed to be at and communicate that with
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  your submissive. You don't have to say I'm tired
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  today, so we're just going to do some ground road work.
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  No, what you're going to say is this is going to be a slow
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  session today. I'm going to be taking it easy
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  and you're going to follow my lead.
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  You're setting their expectations and being true to
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  yourself. Because if you have to pretend
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  to be happy, to pretend to be more energetic than you are,
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  there's going to be an imbalance in how that scene plays out.
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  You're pulling a lot of the weight.
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  And although people think oh, doms are in charge and Subs just
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  follow, I truly believe power exchange is a full on balancing
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  act. And if either one of the people
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  playing in this role are overextending themselves just to
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  be in the scene, it's not going to be authentically fun or a
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  fair exchange at the end of it. If anything I've talked about
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  today resonates If you are a switch who wants to just become
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  more empowered as a Dom. If you're a sub who wants to
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  understand how to be a Dom, either to better yourself as a
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  submissive or play with the Dom role at some point now or in the
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  future, I cannot recommend tapping into your Dom energy 2.0
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  enough. The link to sign up is in the
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  show notes. It's going to happen on April
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  23rd at 8:00 PM Eastern Time. A recording will be available
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  afterwards. So I highly encourage you to
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  sign up. I will be answering questions
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  live. Check it out.
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  I think this is going to be fitting for anyone who is an
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  experienced Dom or someone who's just even curious about what it
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  could possibly like to be a Dom or who just wants to understand
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  better what their Dom has to work through and how their Dom
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  operates to have more appreciation as a sub.
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  So this course really is for everyone.
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  Check it out. I know every time someone comes
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  to one of my classes, even the most experienced Dom, most
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  experienced sub, they tell me they have learned from it.
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  So if you're even curious, check it out.
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  Let me know if you have any questions in advance.
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  Happy to answer those two. If you enjoyed this episode,
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  don't forget to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with
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  anyone who might find it interesting.
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  And if you have any questions or topics you'd like me to cover in
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  future episodes, feel free to reach out. e-mail
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  info@thekingconsultant.com. Until next time, keep on kinking
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  on.