Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Women Feel Younger When They Have Playful, Enthusiastic, Cuddly Kids, And Men Feel The Same About A Wife

Transcript

Women Feel Younger When They Have Playful, Enthusiastic, Cuddly Kids, And Men Feel The Same About A Wife · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hi everybody. And welcome to the doctors.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show. Today we're going to be talking
• 0:10
  about an interesting analogy that I thought of when, you
• 0:12
  know, interacting with people that interact on my Facebook
• 0:17
  page and my Tick Tock and what have you and talking to, you
• 0:21
  know, other other human beings in the universe.
• 0:24
  And this is that women feel younger.
• 0:31
  So I posted an article about how women mourn the Loss of the
• 0:35
  young mother identity as their children grow up.
• 0:39
  And I've talked about that I think before on the podcast.
• 0:42
  So when your kids are young you're still like a young
• 0:44
  mother, it's all potential you know like you're building your
• 0:48
  family or figuring out like kind of mother, you're going to be
• 0:52
  what kind of family are going to have in your rituals and your
• 0:55
  routines and you're making memories and all this stuff that
• 0:58
  goes along with being in this stage of having very young kids,
• 1:02
  you may even have more kids coming and that's all All every
• 1:06
  baby is potentially of no idea what that child will be.
• 1:09
  Like it's all very exciting when you're done, having kids and the
• 1:12
  children are growing and they hit about the, you know,
• 1:15
  elementary school, middle school years.
• 1:16
  And you see kind of almost the half way point that they may be
• 1:19
  leaving the house in another, you know, x amount of years with
• 1:24
  X being equal to how old they are.
• 1:26
  You know, or somewhere halfway between such as like nine years
• 1:29
  old and they leave at 18, you know, you start to see that's
• 1:32
  kind of like the midlife of your parenting.
• 1:35
  Then, you know, or if your parent two kids at home, then
• 1:38
  many women get very depressed and they get upset.
• 1:41
  And so I posted an article about this and why?
• 1:44
  And I've also posted about like, why your wife gets so sad when
• 1:47
  the kids are growing up and I think I did a podcast on that
• 1:49
  too. Well, a lot of it is that you
• 1:52
  don't get to be that young woman anymore with these just playful
• 1:56
  cuddly, kids, that are really positive and their faces light
• 2:00
  up with Disney trips. And with, basically, any fucking
• 2:03
  thing, you could bring home a box and they're So happy about
• 2:06
  it, Etc. Well, the equivalent seems to be
• 2:09
  that for men, having a young woman who acts playful and
• 2:14
  enthusiastic and cuddly is a lot like having a young child, is to
• 2:19
  a woman in that, it makes him feel like a young man.
• 2:23
  It makes him feel like a young man who still has some potential
• 2:27
  who's almost at the beginning, in some way of life, or
• 2:30
  certainly not at Mid or or later than midlife and it Makes him
• 2:35
  feel very good about himself, which is, I think why?
• 2:39
  You know, there's many many reasons why men would like
• 2:42
  younger women. They don't all like younger
• 2:44
  women, many, many of most of my guys actually that I work with.
• 2:48
  That are my clients Dade. Very age-appropriate women but
• 2:52
  bought of course, you know, they all of them.
• 2:57
  Many of them that struggle with a lack of a sex life are also
• 3:01
  struggling with this lack of this playful enthusiasm.
• 3:05
  And I talked about this in the ages, not just a number.
• 3:08
  And my most recent podcast or post, or what I said, your kids
• 3:14
  are allowed to grow up. So why isn't your wife?
• 3:16
  And when I posted that the comments on that also, you know,
• 3:20
  made me think about today's topic here.
• 3:22
  And, by the way, of course, you should subscribe.
• 3:24
  It went on a little long without me telling you to subscribe, but
• 3:27
  if you do, subscribe for five ninety-nine a month, you get
• 3:30
  like 116 or so podcast episodes, and that you wouldn't Otherwise
• 3:35
  get including most recently. Is it all about the orgasm?
• 3:39
  Yes and no. But anyway, going back to the
• 3:41
  topic at hand. The men seem to get mad at women
• 3:45
  for not allowing the man to be kind of the young virile guy
• 3:51
  that he still wants to be and I'm not condescending in any
• 3:54
  way. Two men.
• 3:55
  I mean like it's like for a woman being with a baby, you
• 3:59
  know, being with a small child like you would still, you would
• 4:03
  still be that young mother your Still in that different role
• 4:07
  that you may have liked a lot more than, you know, being a
• 4:11
  midlife woman that has most of the young child stuff behind
• 4:14
  her. But you can't just keep the kids
• 4:17
  little, you know, like you were you really can't.
• 4:20
  I read a Sci-Fi short story where like it was like the
• 4:24
  forever baby or something. Somebody tell me what this is
• 4:27
  and then I'll sighted in my description.
• 4:29
  But anyway, the idea was that these people never liked their
• 4:32
  babies growing up. So then they came up with Ever
• 4:35
  babies, but then after like decades or something, people
• 4:38
  start abandoning them by the side of the road to they just
• 4:40
  couldn't deal with the baby anymore.
• 4:42
  Well anyway, you know, so of course we can't have a forever
• 4:46
  baby. Norwood, people really want it,
• 4:48
  but it's a known thing that that is a stage that many women,
• 4:52
  idealize and look back at fondly and get all sad about that.
• 4:56
  It's not there anymore. And it's really, really
• 4:59
  analogous to how men look back at the honeymoon stage.
• 5:02
  And so it's not just about like, you know, they're Not to being
• 5:06
  like young and playful and excited and bright-eyed and
• 5:09
  bushy-tailed anymore because frequently the women are still
• 5:12
  having sex and everything and they are still being loving.
• 5:15
  But they're just being like, loving midlife women.
• 5:18
  This isn't everybody, there's a lot of obviously very self
• 5:21
  actualized, highly evolved men that are super accepting of
• 5:26
  aging and they're changing identity and their wife changing
• 5:30
  identity. However, there are also men that
• 5:33
  struggled deeply with aging and Mortality and losing this
• 5:37
  identity and it's totally normal you know, to to struggle with
• 5:41
  that. And and I was watching this
• 5:45
  movie fences which are great movie the other day and he said
• 5:50
  and I don't want to spoil. Let's see.
• 5:53
  See it's like I don't want to spoil it for you but if you
• 5:55
  watch fences then you'll see what I mean about this.
• 6:00
  But anyway so men want to be with these kind of young girl.
• 6:05
  Happy excited versions of their wife which is sometimes what
• 6:09
  they get on vacation maybe or when she has a couple drinks or
• 6:13
  like you after they just start couples counseling and she's all
• 6:16
  like you know, excited again about you know, the prospect of
• 6:20
  him finally working on being an asshole.
• 6:22
  So then she's going to work on the sex life or you know,
• 6:24
  whatever. And so you know, they they miss
• 6:28
  being that guy they miss being the guy that can make the joke
• 6:31
  and the wife hasn't heard it 47 times.
• 6:33
  So she still laughs at it, you know.
• 6:35
  No, and she's just so excited to see him and she just bouncing
• 6:38
  around because she's, like, fucking 25 years old and all she
• 6:41
  has to do is bounce around. And this is, I think it's
• 6:45
  helpful to some men who commented that the post that I
• 6:48
  wrote about why like you should let your wife.
• 6:52
  Why are your kids allowed to grow up?
• 6:53
  But not your wife, many men reached out to me actually, I
• 6:56
  was surprised because I thought that men might be defensive
• 6:58
  about that. One, of course, on Facebook they
• 7:00
  were but privately you know some men reach out in the comments of
• 7:05
  Blog, which is not as much of a garbage fire and via email and
• 7:10
  said that it really helped them because these people that
• 7:13
  reached out said that they that they ironically that their
• 7:17
  wives. They feel try to keep the
• 7:20
  teenage kids too young because they don't want the kids to grow
• 7:25
  up because they're anxious at the Prospect and the love of the
• 7:28
  loneliness when the kids leave the house.
• 7:30
  But then they made the connection via the article that
• 7:33
  I wrote and they said Said, I'm really doing the same thing.
• 7:37
  I'm wanting her to be as sexual as excited as adventurous that
• 7:41
  she was at the beginning but she just not, she's older.
• 7:44
  She's at a different stage. Just like my kid is at a
• 7:46
  different stage getting ready to go off for college so he doesn't
• 7:48
  want to hang out and do family night, you know, anymore the
• 7:52
  same way. So it is it can be a really
• 7:55
  interesting moment of self-reflection to think as a
• 7:59
  man you know, what do I think? What do I feel when my wife gets
• 8:03
  all teary-eyed and upset about? Children growing up.
• 8:06
  Yeah, I feel bad for her. I do.
• 8:08
  But would I ever say to my son? Why don't you just happened?
• 8:12
  You just put a diaper on you know?
• 8:13
  I mean but come on. It's just for a little bit.
• 8:16
  You don't put it. Here's a rattle, here's the
• 8:18
  diaper. And you know just like you
• 8:19
  pretend not to talk for a little bit.
• 8:21
  Would it kill you? You know.
• 8:22
  No. That shit would be not.
• 8:24
  So be like a lifetime movie and so similarly you know and of
• 8:30
  course I'm hyperbolized saying but but do you know similarly if
• 8:35
  If your wife is like, you know, 45 50 years old, or 40 years
• 8:39
  old, or fuck it, 35 years old, if you met her when you are a
• 8:42
  you know 20 the comparison point in your memory, it isn't about
• 8:47
  just about her feelings toward you, I've changed or anything
• 8:50
  like that. She's changed as a person, she
• 8:52
  may be twice the age. She was when you first met her,
• 8:56
  she's not going to be all bounding around enthusiastic and
• 8:59
  excited like a like a puppy, you know?
• 9:02
  Or like a young child in our continued.
• 9:05
  Then she's just not and that makes you remember that.
• 9:09
  You are old to, you know, that you are her age and that you are
• 9:13
  not a young guy that's on the cusp of life.
• 9:16
  The way that a woman feels when she's walking around with baby,
• 9:18
  it's all potential. I think is how a man feels when
• 9:20
  he's got this new hot relationship.
• 9:23
  This new woman on his arm, she's adoring to him, she's devoted to
• 9:26
  him. She's looking at him like he's a
• 9:28
  million bucks. You know, it's very similar if
• 9:32
  you think about it, and if you feel bad for her, but But yet
• 9:35
  you would never think that like your kids should somehow act
• 9:39
  younger and disingenuously, you know, enthusiastic and different
• 9:46
  and fake in order to assuage her fear of them getting older and
• 9:52
  concurrent fear of her own, you know, identity shifting into a
• 9:57
  midlife Woman versus a mother of young kids.
• 10:00
  Then perhaps, it's similarly something that you would have to
• 10:04
  reckon with. Yourself to get more accepting
• 10:09
  of the process of Aging into this midlife guy who has a
• 10:13
  midlife partner, who may love you.
• 10:16
  And certainly this, I'm not saying that she totally gets out
• 10:20
  of having sex with you. I've never said that before.
• 10:22
  I'm not going to say it now, you know.
• 10:24
  But what I do see is that some guys even if she still having
• 10:28
  sex, even if she's even trying to do some fun things, you know
• 10:33
  there are still some guys wear They and they may really
• 10:37
  appreciate it even, but they are almost obsessively ruminative
• 10:43
  about their own, like, this stage of life, just being so
• 10:47
  different and that she's not as enthusiastic and is she even
• 10:52
  trying? You know, as though?
• 10:55
  Of course, of course she's fucking trying.
• 10:57
  Like that's like a good thing but like that she has to try to
• 11:00
  get in the mood is upsetting to them and the healthier guys of
• 11:03
  these guys and these guys, Overall content toward being a
• 11:07
  bit depressed and - but the healthier ones will recognize
• 11:11
  that it's unfair and that their wife is really doing what their
• 11:13
  rights can do. They're like, well, shit, you
• 11:15
  know, she's having sex with me once or twice a week.
• 11:17
  She has zero, sex drive. She's being loved and she smiles
• 11:20
  at me. She is a nice person.
• 11:22
  Overall, people love her, she is kind, you know, but honestly, I
• 11:26
  am just struggling with the fact that, you know, like we just
• 11:30
  aren't at that stage anymore. And that's what the healthier
• 11:32
  guys in. This can in the stage can feel.
• 11:35
  And think the less than healthy ones, feel just very thwarted
• 11:42
  and very cheated by life, and by faith.
• 11:45
  And they take it out on the woman, and they try to make her
• 11:48
  dress different and sexier all the time and say different and
• 11:51
  sexier things that just really be somebody that she's not and
• 11:55
  that she never was probably even at the beginning and they just
• 11:59
  can't let it go. You know, they don't see
• 12:02
  progress when there is, you know, sexual frequency.
• 12:05
  Uptake or anything. And instead it's just all about
• 12:08
  kind of that it's not enough. There are guys like that, you
• 12:12
  know, there's not a lot of them, but there are guys like, that,
• 12:14
  that just can't get over that. The tone has shifted and the
• 12:18
  tone has shifted the same as a teenage boys tone shifts.
• 12:22
  Saying, I love you mom. Instead of a five year old boy
• 12:26
  that says, I love you Mommy and runs in with like, you know,
• 12:28
  bouquet of wildflowers, you know, like from the yard and
• 12:32
  then there's like the teenage boy was like, hi, Mama and go.
• 12:35
  As to his room and like that kid should not be castigated.
• 12:38
  Of course for changing nor should the woman be castigated
• 12:42
  for changing when she isn't, you know, constantly thinking about
• 12:46
  romance or really ever thinking about romance for some women.
• 12:50
  Because she's just biologically and evolutionarily different.
• 12:53
  And she's trying her best to still be a partner.
• 12:56
  But is she really getting blamed for something that is you know
• 13:01
  just a change of life. That then makes the man realize
• 13:07
  so much that he himself is at a different stage of life that he
• 13:10
  doesn't necessarily want to be at.
• 13:13
  So it's an interesting thought, experiment to think about
• 13:17
  really, who is it that you're mad at, sometimes.
• 13:19
  You're just mad at fate, you know.
• 13:21
  And and a you Jen life and yourself, you know, not that
• 13:25
  it's useful to be mad at yourself for aging but you know
• 13:27
  some guys are also Reckoning with that, they feel they didn't
• 13:30
  do enough in their life, you know.
• 13:32
  That's really what is motivating behind this midlife.
• 13:35
  Life crisis, quote, unquote and I have podcasts on that as well.
• 13:39
  You know, a lot of guys again who are late bloomers have done
• 13:42
  podcast and post about that or particularly upset that their
• 13:46
  wives are our kind of aging and not young super enthusiastic
• 13:51
  super sexual entities because it makes them feel like they really
• 13:55
  missed out themselves and that they made poor decisions, not to
• 13:58
  sleep with more women, or get more experience under their belt
• 14:01
  when they were younger men. So what this podcast is designed
• 14:04
  to do is just as usual to evoke self-reflection and to help you
• 14:09
  to be more fair and objective. When assessing your relationship
• 14:12
  and the different, you know, weights of the different inputs,
• 14:17
  into the equation of your unhappiness, right?
• 14:20
  All right. I hope you got something out of
• 14:22
  this and next one will probably be subscriber.
• 14:25
  So make sure to subscribe and I'll talk to you soon.
• 14:27
  Have a great day, guys.