Latest / AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation / [EP66] How to deal with resentment during a conversation (why it builds when you stay quiet)

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[EP66] How to deal with resentment during a conversation (why it builds when you stay quiet) · AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation

• 0:00
  What causes us to feel resentment?
• 0:03
  So I just went in there and I was questioning myself, what causes me to feel resentment?
• 0:09
  Maybe you might relate.
• 0:11
  When we feel out of control, or maybe we haven't actually said the thing or done the thing or followed through, so we'd let it kind of slip.
• 0:21
  And then it's gotten worse, so it's further and further away from what we want.
• 0:28
  and if I'm not saying it, then I'm harboring it.
• 0:30
  So therefore, this resentment tends to build, right?
• 0:35
  And it sounds like the conversation was happening
• 0:38
  and you're feeling that maybe it's not new.
• 0:42
  Maybe it was already there building up.
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  So suddenly it's like you're feeling it even more,
• 0:46
  the resentment.
• 0:50
  Over the years, this is just me personally
• 0:53
  and I'm not saying you need to follow what I'm saying or do,
• 0:56
  I've you know I've learned and learning and learns this so I practice it if I'm feeling
• 1:03
  a big emotion like you know emotional reaction you know coming as in like I'm feeling the emotion
• 1:08
  and I want to react whether it's with words obviously I don't believe in violence so I'm
• 1:15
  not you know going to get violent but like unless I'm protecting someone I love that's different
• 1:23
  you know so normally it's like in words right like I say action but normally the action still
• 1:28
  comes out in words I've learned to not respond when I'm feeling a big emotion
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  because a lot of times like that emotion
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  needs some space needs some time and space for me to feel it fully so while I'm in the
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  is not a good time for me to give a response.
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  Because one, I can't think straight
• 1:57
  because I'm feeling emotions, you know,
• 1:59
  resentment or anger, whatever I'm feeling.
• 2:03
  So I practice generally not speaking in that time
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  and listening, you know,
• 2:14
  and letting the other person or people
• 2:18
  express what they need to express.
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  really listen, like do my very best even though I'm feeling stuff
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  to really listen and not to
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  take on everything but to hear them
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  and then consider like what am I going to do with the information
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  that they're sharing and again like
• 2:41
  because I'm going through emotion, right, you know, that moment
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  that time might not have the clarity of thought or thinking at that
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  maybe I'd step away after that.
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  And go and sit with what is it.
• 2:59
  Sit with the emotions, give it space and let it move through,
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  not push it down, not swallow it or numb it,
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  but actually to feel it.
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  And then to sit with the perspective,
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  like to zoom out and to have some perspective on the thing.
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  And how much truth is there in what they're saying?
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  am I not seeing?
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  You know, because the tendency of mine
• 3:25
  is to always point the finger first
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  and say like, yeah, that's their fault.
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  You know, it's not me, it's them.
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  So to go, and if I turn the tables around,
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  like if I put myself in their shoes,
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  what am I not seeing about this?
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  What am I missing?
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  And, you know, therefore, from that perspective,
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  is there anything I need to change?
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  Is there anything I need to take responsibility for?
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  Is there anything I need to apologize for?
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  Is there anything I need to make right, like go and fix?
• 3:59
  Because maybe unknowingly, most of the time, that's what happens with us.
• 4:03
  We're not intentionally trying to harm or hurt or destroy something.
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  But because you are in your pattern, we tend to kind of act in certain ways
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  because we're not aware of it.
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  So when there is some room for the emotion to be processed,
• 4:20
  And then there's some therefore, because of that, there's space for clarity of mind and thinking.
• 4:27
  Therefore, then I can zoom out and get some perspective on it.
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  Not just listen to other people's perspective, which can be useful.
• 4:35
  But even if I listen to perspective, I'm always coming back to like, what's my thoughts on this?
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  What's my take on this?
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  What's my values?
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  What's my decision on this?
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  Because I own my decision.
• 4:49
  you know and it doesn't mean oh I always make the right decision I've made
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  the wrong decisions many times but then if I do then going back and
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  making it right like fixing it owning you know
• 5:00
  taking responsibility apologizing correcting behavior and fixing it not
• 5:04
  just saying sorry and then going back to the behavior
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  so that's just me but like sometimes
• 5:13
  there is my part and then there is their part
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  and there might be certain things that
• 5:19
  I don't know the situation that you're talking about here
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  so I'm just trying to give different scenarios
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  you know if I'm resentful
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  is it because I haven't said certain things
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  like I haven't expressed
• 5:32
  certain views, perspective
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  you know and
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  can I bring that into a conversation
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  and sit and have a conversation with them
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  there are times when
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  I choose not to have those conversations
• 5:45
  because maybe I just don't feel like there is any room, right?
• 5:50
  Like, or they would want to have that conversation at all.
• 5:53
  Or I try to, and then it's like, there's no space for it.
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  It's like, okay, so that's fine.
• 5:58
  You know, they can choose not to.
• 6:00
  But if there's room for it and they're willing to hear my sides,
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  you know, obviously, generally, I'll start with wanting to hear their side first
• 6:06
  and then offer my part and see if we can actually,
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  most of the time, it's because I have my map of the world.
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  of the world and we think we all see things the same but we don't.
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  You see your world the way you see it.
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  I see the world the way I see it. But we all
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  think everyone sees it the same way. So therefore we have all of this conflict
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  in life. And it's kind of
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  unnecessary and a lot of times sad because
• 6:39
  sometimes you're the third person and you can see these two different perspectives and they're going
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  and it's sad because like it's destroying a relationship
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  and it's just because two people have two different perspectives
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  and if they would just talk it would be resolved
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  so you know a lot of times it could be that
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  that just kind of heals it, that resolves it
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  resentment normally is like just a build up
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  because we haven't said the thing
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  you know and the best time to say it
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  so this is like another, I've said it in a very long way
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  a different way. You know, the best time to express the thing we want to express is not when
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  we're emotional, whether it's resentment or any other emotion. The best time is when you feel
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  clear and you can express clearly without being emotive about the thing that you're expressing.
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  Because you take information and you put emotion to it, it comes out in a different way.
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  if you, I'm not saying remove the emotion and be cold,
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  but remove the reactivity from the emotion.
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  So therefore you can respond in a way, you can speak,
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  that can be a conversation.
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  And a conversation is two ways.
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  You express, you hear, you listen,
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  you respond to the thing,
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  they get to respond to the thing,
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  and there's a listening and a hearing.
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  Doesn't mean you have to agree with everything.
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  You can even agree like, okay, I don't agree with that,
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  and you can say, I don't agree with that.
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  you know, we don't agree with those parts.
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  That's, you know,
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  and we can have differing opinions
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  and perspectives.
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  And that's kind of,
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  you know, it's like ambassadors,
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  like being an ambassador, right?
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  Like negotiation.
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  And most of it, it comes down to that.
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  So I have a map of the world
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  and I see my world this way.
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  You have a map of the world,
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  you see your world that way.
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  We both assume that we have the same map,
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  but we don't.
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  our maps are different, every single one of us.
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  And that's a good thing.
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  The universe made us unique.
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  And without differences of views, opinions, experiences,
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  knowledge, when we bring it together and when it can work together,
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  we become stronger.
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  But when we take our differences of views, experience, opinions, knowledge,
• 9:03
  and we fight each other, then we diminish each other even equally,
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  as we would rise up together.
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  So having the conversation is part of the growth.
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  As we grow and we expand, there is capacity for us to hold
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  what can seem like a difficult conversation before you have it,
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  but then after you have it, you're glad that you had the so-called difficult conversation
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  because those are the healing conversations if there is room for it.
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  and it comes from you making room for it
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  and then seeing if they would make room for it
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  for the conversation,
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  for the things that we're too scared to say,
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  for it to be said,
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  and for listening to happen,
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  for it to be heard,
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  for us to feel what we need to feel,
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  express anything else,
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  and then learn what we need to learn
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  and move forward from there.
• 10:00
  So let me read the question again.
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  in conversation I think
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  and practice like breathing and listening
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  and acknowledging the feelings I'm feeling
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  but really being open and listening
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  and then it's the afterwards
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  that
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  you know
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  you all know this because you do the meditations
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  and in our meditations we do healings
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  whether you're doing the meditation or not
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  you can close your eyes and a lot of times I would just see
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  the person you know in a way can we do like Ho'oponopono
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  see the person in front of me
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  or people or person
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  and saying like, you know,
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  whether I think it's there right, I'm wrong,
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  whatever it is, I'm right, they're wrong.
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  I'll ask for forgiveness
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  and, you know, see here, feel them giving me the forgiveness,
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  right, soul to soul.
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  And then I'll visualize them asking me for forgiveness
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  and I'm giving it and them receiving it.
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  So therefore a healing is happening.
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  And then we forgive.
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  Give.
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  That means we finish.
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  We give it up.
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  We give up the fight
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  because we're both hanging on to a certain view
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  which doesn't match.
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  So resentment is like, okay,
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  when you sit in meditation,
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  it's a really perfect time to do the healing.
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  What's the healing?
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  To feel the feeling.
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  To give it the room that is needed.
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  To do the processing.
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  And for sometimes, you know,
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  you come out of meditation,
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  to journal, okay, do that. Get it out of your head. I had the conversation today and the more
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  things she was saying were getting more annoying, but I didn't feel it was okay to respond to all
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  of what she was saying. Yeah, I think me personally generally, like I tend not to just, you know,
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  if I need time to go and sit with it and come back later, choosing my response. And the other
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  things why not do that it's better to just do that then say the thing and then like well i didn't mean
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  that why did i say that it's because i was emotional then if i if i feel more resentful
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  as someone's talking to me in that moment i'm feeling big emotions but when i leave i'm going
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  to sit with the difficult question of how much of that is true what that person was saying if i get
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  really brutally honest with myself how much of that is true you know how much
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  of that what part of that is for me to take accountability for and as difficult
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  as it would be then taking the ownership and then going there having the
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  conversation from a place of taking the accountability for my part not this and
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  that's also part of the healing.