Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / Valentine’s Day Pressure: Sex, Relationships, and the Truth About Expectations!

Transcript

Valentine’s Day Pressure: Sex, Relationships, and the Truth About Expectations! · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apogee Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy
0:13
Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana. This podcast is about female empowerment.
0:16
Speaker 2: And encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most
0:19
Speaker 2: authentic version of yourself.
0:21
Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to new level.
0:23
Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
0:26
Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
0:28
Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.
0:31
Speaker 1: Hello everybody, welcome back to she Rises. It's your host
0:34
Speaker 1: Ashi and I'm Tiana, and today's episode is all about love.
0:38
Speaker 1: It's a good time of year, it is. But before
0:41
Speaker 1: we get in today's episode, what is your share of
0:43
Speaker 1: the week?
0:44
Speaker 2: My share of the week is actually a little meditation.
0:48
Speaker 2: So this is something so Anita, ash and I have
0:51
Speaker 2: been talking about this lots recently and we both have
0:53
Speaker 2: been using it like NonStop. It's this little twelve minute
0:57
Speaker 2: meditation that I used before bed and it is the
1:00
Speaker 2: best thing like it ever knocks me out. I go
1:04
Speaker 2: to sleep straight way. I honestly, sometimes I'm asleep before
1:07
Speaker 2: the twelve minutes is up every time.
1:08
Speaker 1: To me, every single time I put it on last
1:10
Speaker 1: night and I cannot believe I couldn't tell you what
1:13
Speaker 1: he says at the end of it, because I've never
1:14
Speaker 1: made it through. It's the best.
1:16
Speaker 2: It's so good, and so I'll put it into the
1:18
Speaker 2: description notes for the episode so you guys can listen
1:21
Speaker 2: to it. It's honestly a game changer, and it just
1:23
Speaker 2: makes you wake up feeling so refreshed in the morning,
1:26
Speaker 2: like you actually had a really good, regulated night sleep.
1:29
Speaker 1: Even the nights where I feel my mind is busy
1:32
Speaker 1: or I've got lots on, or I feel I'm going
1:34
Speaker 1: to have a bad sleep, maybe I'm just overtired or something.
1:37
Speaker 1: I put that on guarantee you have a good sleep,
1:39
Speaker 1: and guarantee I cannot remember it's finishing. Yeah, it's the best.
1:43
Speaker 1: I used to sleep with rain sound on, but now
1:44
Speaker 1: because I fall asleep before it finished, I don't have
1:47
Speaker 1: my rain sound on anymore.
1:48
Speaker 2: Wake up, I'm like, oh, yes, that's a Tracy use
1:51
Speaker 2: white noise machine, and I'm just meditation because I like
1:54
Speaker 2: what you said. If I'm disregulated, I'm just like, put
1:56
Speaker 2: it on straight away and I know I'll be regulated
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Speaker 2: and calm the next day.
2:00
Speaker 1: Yeah, I love it.
2:00
Speaker 2: Ye.
2:01
Speaker 1: My Share of the Week is a beautiful girl called Taylor.
2:05
Speaker 1: She used to be my graphic designer and a friend
2:07
Speaker 1: of mine still a friend of mine. Absolutely love her.
2:09
Speaker 1: If you guys have been following for a little while,
2:11
Speaker 1: she worked for me for around four years and she's
2:15
Speaker 1: a motorbike rider and an incredible one at that. She teaches.
2:19
Speaker 1: She actually left my company to go and teach women
2:21
Speaker 1: how to ride motorbikes and empower them in a very
2:24
Speaker 1: male dominated sport. And she was selling merch and she
2:28
Speaker 1: was doing competitions and if you could see her on
2:30
Speaker 1: a motorbike, it's crazy, Like I'm talking flips in the air.
2:33
Speaker 1: She's insane, very inspiring. Just watching her leave her nine
2:37
Speaker 1: to five job really and go and live out her
2:39
Speaker 1: dreams was really really special. But unfortunately, about four months
2:44
Speaker 1: ago now, she had a motorbike accident and she currently
2:46
Speaker 1: can't walk. So she obviously her spine, she broke ribs,
2:52
Speaker 1: she broke both arms. She was in hospital for I
2:54
Speaker 1: think nearly three months, and she is so determined to
2:58
Speaker 1: walk again, and if anyone can do it, I wholeheartily
3:01
Speaker 1: believe she can. Obviously, her will got completely flipped upside
3:05
Speaker 1: down and it's been a really fucking hard time for her.
3:08
Speaker 1: So there was a go fund me account that we're
3:10
Speaker 1: all raising money for. She had to sell her house
3:12
Speaker 1: and move, and there's so much rehab bills and medical
3:15
Speaker 1: bills that she's obviously not working anymore either. So I
3:18
Speaker 1: would really love all of our She Rises community to
3:21
Speaker 1: dig deep, even if it's only five dollars or ten dollars,
3:23
Speaker 1: if you skip your morning coffee this week, just to
3:26
Speaker 1: put towards helping her on her recovery journey, because it's
3:29
Speaker 1: going to be a long one. She can now get
3:32
Speaker 1: little tingles in her legs, which is a great sign
3:35
Speaker 1: of progress and that her brain's starting to connect back
3:37
Speaker 1: to her loobber body. But yeah, it's a long journey ahead. Wow. Yeah,
3:42
Speaker 1: it's really sad story. She's amazing, She's very determined and
3:46
Speaker 1: strong willed and got a really strong mindset, but this
3:49
Speaker 1: has really knocked her around. So it'd be awesome if
3:51
Speaker 1: we can all get behind her.
3:52
Speaker 2: Yeah. I love that. Thank you for sharing that.
3:54
Speaker 1: Thank you. Alrighty, let's get into the episode. So February
3:59
Speaker 1: fourteenth is Valentine's Day. We actually have our first Gallantine's
4:02
Speaker 1: event coming up, which is a sold event. Oh, which
4:06
Speaker 1: reminds me when need to talk about our next event. Sorry, yeah, surprise.
4:10
Speaker 1: We booked at our first one within seventy two hours,
4:13
Speaker 1: which blew our minds but really exciting. We're so excited.
4:17
Speaker 1: So kind of got us thinking, shit, we should start
4:19
Speaker 1: planning our next event because so many girls miss out
4:21
Speaker 1: on this one. So we were thinking we brainstorm. We
4:24
Speaker 1: spend every Wednesday together all on Sheer Rises, and we're
4:27
Speaker 1: not going to give too much away for this event.
4:29
Speaker 1: It's a bit of a mystery. So the girls that
4:31
Speaker 1: are going to come to this event, you don't actually
4:34
Speaker 1: know what you're really coming into. We're going to give
4:36
Speaker 1: you a theme, we're going to give little hints as
4:39
Speaker 1: to what the night's about, but you won't fully know
4:42
Speaker 1: what you're doing until you come. So this is for
4:43
Speaker 1: the girls who are brave, are ready to step outside
4:46
Speaker 1: the comfort zone. They know much growth they get when
4:50
Speaker 1: they're surrounded by like minded women and they're being challenged
4:53
Speaker 1: in a really positive, supportive way. Some of the exercises
4:58
Speaker 1: we'll be doing you probably have never done before, but
5:00
Speaker 1: they've been game changing for us. But it's all going
5:03
Speaker 1: to be very, very playful.
5:06
Speaker 2: This is very much the event for the women who
5:09
Speaker 2: are growth seekers. They're excited by the growth. They're excited
5:14
Speaker 2: by exploring themselves and being able to seek the understanding
5:19
Speaker 2: of themselves. It's a little bit edgy, it's a little
5:22
Speaker 2: bit out there. It may challenge you, but if you
5:25
Speaker 2: seek the growth, you will love that challenge.
5:27
Speaker 1: If you loved your episode introducing Tatiana and Stephanie, this
5:31
Speaker 1: is the event for you. You listen to that and
5:33
Speaker 1: you were thinking, oh, I can work on that. I
5:36
Speaker 1: can see how I show up over here or there,
5:39
Speaker 1: and it just was almost a lightbulb moment for you.
5:42
Speaker 1: This is a kind of event for you. It's going
5:44
Speaker 1: to be intimate. Again, we want this to be really intimate.
5:46
Speaker 1: We might increase numbers by ten because the venue that
5:48
Speaker 1: we're looking at is slightly larger, but these events are
5:51
Speaker 1: never going to be really large because we want to
5:53
Speaker 1: be able to hold the space. Feel all really well,
5:56
Speaker 1: I'm so excited for it.
5:57
Speaker 2: Really, you should have heard us when we were talking
5:59
Speaker 2: about it. We were popping off. It was like, actually
6:01
Speaker 2: had an idea, I had an idea. We were bouncing
6:03
Speaker 2: off each other and it just built into this beautiful
6:06
Speaker 2: thing and we were like, all right, done.
6:08
Speaker 1: We are releasing tickets the day after at Valentine's Day event,
6:12
Speaker 1: So that will be on Valentine's Day is when I'm
6:14
Speaker 1: going to release the tickets. We're pencil it in anyway,
6:16
Speaker 1: that's our plan. I get come along. Yeah, it's so
6:19
Speaker 1: exciting to have to meet Ashi Rise's community face to face. Yeah,
6:23
Speaker 1: so that's our little West. So excited. Yeah, we're very excited.
6:25
Speaker 1: We just had to talk about it. So Valentine's Day,
6:28
Speaker 1: let's talk about it. Because I think it's a day
6:30
Speaker 1: that a lot of people love to celebrate, and it's
6:32
Speaker 1: also a day a lot of people are like, oh, cringe,
6:35
Speaker 1: and it can bring up a lot of things, including loneliness.
6:39
Speaker 1: Have you ever felt that on Valentine's Day? Like really lonely? Oh? Absolutely.
6:42
Speaker 2: There have been times where I've had Valentine's Day come
6:45
Speaker 2: up and It'd be a couple of weeks away and
6:47
Speaker 2: I'd be pre empting in my head. I don't have
6:50
Speaker 2: a partner this year? Yeah, oh my god, what am
6:52
Speaker 2: I going to do? And the pressure I put on
6:54
Speaker 2: myself to be like, why don't you have a relationship yet?
6:57
Speaker 1: What's wrong?
6:57
Speaker 2: We've found the fairy tale ending, the love of your life.
7:00
Speaker 2: Why haven't you been there yet? So Yeah, there have
7:01
Speaker 2: definitely been times where I've had that.
7:03
Speaker 1: So on those years that you were by yourself, can
7:05
Speaker 1: you walk me through when you had done the work
7:08
Speaker 1: and you weren't so concerned what other people thought of you?
7:10
Speaker 1: What Valentine's Day look like for you? Would you celebrate yourself?
7:13
Speaker 1: Would you celebrate with girlfriends? Would you buy yourself a rose?
7:16
Speaker 1: Walk me through it? Oh? I love that question.
7:19
Speaker 2: The best part for me was making it intimate, no
7:22
Speaker 2: matter who was around. And I've mentioned this before, whether
7:25
Speaker 2: there had been periods in my life where you know,
7:26
Speaker 2: you lose friends and then you don't really have anybody
7:29
Speaker 2: around and you're going through this understanding phase of yourself.
7:33
Speaker 2: And in those moments where let's say maybe I didn't
7:35
Speaker 2: have a lot of close friends, or i'd have a partner,
7:37
Speaker 2: I would make the day about me. I love that,
7:40
Speaker 2: and it would be receiving. So I'd go and buy
7:42
Speaker 2: myself some roses because they'd make me happy, Like flowers
7:45
Speaker 2: any woman who knows a feeling, They just make me
7:48
Speaker 2: so happy.
7:49
Speaker 1: It's the whole experience.
7:50
Speaker 2: It's being able to see them every time you walk
7:52
Speaker 2: past them. They made you happy, make you smile, they
7:55
Speaker 2: remind you of someone you love and yourself in this case,
7:59
Speaker 2: and so it would be about, all right, well I
8:00
Speaker 2: love these things, why wouldn't I give those things to myself.
8:03
Speaker 2: So instead of having someone serenade me, I serenade myself,
8:07
Speaker 2: love it, and buy myself some flowers, buy myself my
8:11
Speaker 2: favorite chocolates, which is local loves for anybody who he
8:14
Speaker 2: doesn't know, and just cooking myself a really beautiful, like
8:18
Speaker 2: wholesome meal.
8:19
Speaker 1: That's nice. From my perspective. I've had a partner for
8:23
Speaker 1: the last seventeen years. I more got stuck in the
8:26
Speaker 1: comparison of what other people are receiving, how they're celebrating
8:30
Speaker 1: their partner, putting more effort in me, putting more effort
8:33
Speaker 1: in expectations that I had on Steve, on how I
8:36
Speaker 1: wanted him to show up. And we've been together seventeen
8:39
Speaker 1: years this June, so we've learned along the way how
8:43
Speaker 1: not to get stuck into that, because if he wouldn't
8:45
Speaker 1: book something, or buy me something or do something, I
8:48
Speaker 1: would then be disappointed because I had expectations. So we
8:51
Speaker 1: decided a couple of years ago that we would alternate
8:53
Speaker 1: planning Valentine's Day. So I've done this for a few
8:56
Speaker 1: years now where he would do one year and I
8:59
Speaker 1: get the pleasure of being surprised and taken care of,
9:02
Speaker 1: and he spoils me and loves on me and all
9:04
Speaker 1: the things that I don't have to do anything. But equally,
9:06
Speaker 1: I love gift giving. I loved giving my time, I
9:08
Speaker 1: love organizing thing, access service, I love doing all of
9:11
Speaker 1: that my loved one. So the following year, I get
9:13
Speaker 1: to do that and he gets to relax knowing that's
9:15
Speaker 1: all taken care of, and he gets to enjoy being
9:18
Speaker 1: surprised as well. It took away all the expectations, it
9:21
Speaker 1: took away any resentment, and we thoroughly look forward to
9:24
Speaker 1: it every single year now. And we'll also discuss each year,
9:27
Speaker 1: Like you said to me the other day, are we
9:29
Speaker 1: doing gifts this year or do we rather pour more
9:31
Speaker 1: money into an experience? Yeah, so I said, I'd rather experience.
9:36
Speaker 1: Let's put more money into like going away for a
9:38
Speaker 1: night and going and doing something beautiful together over getting
9:41
Speaker 1: a gift. Because we just had Christmas studied on my birthday.
9:43
Speaker 1: So it's just once again communication. But that's the trap
9:46
Speaker 1: that I remember getting stuck into. And even if it
9:49
Speaker 1: was just someone online and you see their partners filled
9:51
Speaker 1: a whole hotel room with a million rows, and like,
9:54
Speaker 1: why did I get that Steve brtty moment? But now
9:57
Speaker 1: I don't get any of that And if I see that,
9:59
Speaker 1: I'm like, amazing, beautiful. But I genuinely love doing that
10:02
Speaker 1: for Steve and whatever he plans is perfect and beauty before.
10:05
Speaker 1: And I think now as I've gotten older and matured
10:08
Speaker 1: as well, I just really love the quality time we get.
10:11
Speaker 1: It's a day that we can allocate or a night
10:13
Speaker 1: that we can allocate and book in a babysitter. It
10:16
Speaker 1: not forces you to, but kind of it's a reason
10:18
Speaker 1: to celebrate your love and remember why you love each
10:20
Speaker 1: other and to love on each other extra that day.
10:23
Speaker 1: And I think that's really cool. But what I hear
10:25
Speaker 1: from women a lot is that they're really lonely and
10:27
Speaker 1: they don't have girlfriends and they don't have a partner,
10:29
Speaker 1: and it's a day that brings up those emotions that
10:31
Speaker 1: I'm not good enough, what's wrong with me? And that's
10:34
Speaker 1: why we want to do the Galentine's event as well,
10:36
Speaker 1: is to bring women together to celebrate each other and
10:38
Speaker 1: to show how important sisterhood is and that you can
10:40
Speaker 1: love on others and you can love on yourself, and
10:42
Speaker 1: you actually get to make Valentine's Day whatever you want
10:45
Speaker 1: it to be, and doesn't matter what everyone else is doing.
10:47
Speaker 2: It doesn't have to just be about, like you know,
10:50
Speaker 2: the expectations of how people show on social media. It
10:52
Speaker 2: doesn't have to just be about that. It can be
10:55
Speaker 2: more about the representation of love. Yes, no matter who
10:59
Speaker 2: that's with, whether it's with the relationship, whether that's with
11:01
Speaker 2: your girlfriends, whether that's to yourself. And I think that's
11:04
Speaker 2: the of it. This day gets to represent whatever it
11:07
Speaker 2: is that you want it to represent, and so you
11:10
Speaker 2: get to show up however it is that you please.
11:12
Speaker 2: And even I believe even if you do experience loneliness
11:15
Speaker 2: on that day, it's actually a blessing because it's actually
11:18
Speaker 2: showing you. Let's say, for example, if you're not in
11:21
Speaker 2: a relationship yet, there's a part of you that's really
11:24
Speaker 2: desiring that, but to show love to the parts of
11:26
Speaker 2: yourself that feels like you're in lack being able to
11:30
Speaker 2: look at those parts within you and love on those
11:32
Speaker 2: parts so that when your partner does come in, you're
11:35
Speaker 2: not seeking from a place of lack. You're going. I
11:38
Speaker 2: actually am fulfilled within myself first and foremost. Then when
11:42
Speaker 2: my partner comes overflows, it's so much overflow. Yeah, that
11:46
Speaker 2: such a clean place for it to come from. And
11:48
Speaker 2: I truly believe these moments where we get triggered and
11:51
Speaker 2: these things come up for us and we have loneliness
11:54
Speaker 2: come up. Loneliness is a big one. We can have
11:56
Speaker 2: a whole podcast episode on that, but really feeling into
11:59
Speaker 2: those loneliness feelings or to come up because you could
12:02
Speaker 2: be in a relationship and feel so lonely. Yeah, so
12:05
Speaker 2: surrounded by a group of friends and family and still
12:08
Speaker 2: feel so lonely.
12:09
Speaker 1: Because there's things going on internally for you, in your heart,
12:11
Speaker 1: your mind.
12:12
Speaker 2: But the lesson, you're right, The lesson in that is
12:14
Speaker 2: to look at those things you love on those parts,
12:17
Speaker 2: not make them wrong for being there. And every single
12:20
Speaker 2: time that you do that, they will dissolve a little
12:22
Speaker 2: and you'll get to have a better experience next year.
12:24
Speaker 1: I had a question about jealousy come through the other day.
12:27
Speaker 1: It was after we have released the episode introducing two
12:30
Speaker 1: new co hosts. If you haven't listened to that, please
12:32
Speaker 1: go back and listen to it because the whole theory
12:34
Speaker 1: around the two new co hosts and our alter egos
12:37
Speaker 1: and how much it's helped and healed so many parts
12:38
Speaker 1: about ourselves is really beautiful. But I had a woman
12:41
Speaker 1: rite in asking about jealousy and how she really suppresses it.
12:46
Speaker 1: Jealousy is a low vibration to feel. It never feels
12:48
Speaker 1: good when we feel jealous. But if that ever comes
12:50
Speaker 1: up for me, which it used to come up a lot,
12:53
Speaker 1: I used to feel it all the time, Not so
12:55
Speaker 1: much anymore. But if it ever does, all is highlighting
12:58
Speaker 1: is what you're wanting, It really is. Yeah, if you're
13:01
Speaker 1: getting jealous of seeing a half a couple, remember also,
13:04
Speaker 1: social media is a highlight. It's a place where a
13:06
Speaker 1: lot of people do show just their high time. So
13:08
Speaker 1: please try not to compare your low days or you're
13:11
Speaker 1: okay days with someone's best day of their life. But
13:14
Speaker 1: when it does come up for me, I'm like, oh, okay,
13:18
Speaker 1: I'm wanting more of that in my life. How can
13:19
Speaker 1: I get that? Where do I get that from? How
13:22
Speaker 1: can I bring that in more? How can I request
13:23
Speaker 1: that more from my partner? How can I invite that
13:25
Speaker 1: more in my friendships or even if it's business. I
13:28
Speaker 1: get stuck in the comparison of business. Sometimes, Okay, what
13:31
Speaker 1: do I need to do to get to that level?
13:33
Speaker 1: Where am I not showing up? Where am I not
13:35
Speaker 1: putting energy into it? Where do I need to study more?
13:37
Speaker 1: Where do I need to be more persistent? And it
13:39
Speaker 1: brings up all of that, and then sometimes I'm like
13:41
Speaker 1: having this conversation with myself do I really want it?
13:44
Speaker 1: Was it a moment of jealousy or is it actually
13:46
Speaker 1: really important to me? And Okay, now I'm going to
13:48
Speaker 1: put an action plan in place, and once I'm making
13:51
Speaker 1: a little bit of progress, the jealousy, honestly it's gone.
13:54
Speaker 1: So next time it comes up, don't shame yourself for it.
13:57
Speaker 1: We all feel it, every single person, but really lean
14:01
Speaker 1: into it and inquire more, unpack it more.
14:03
Speaker 2: Such a powerful way to look at things as well,
14:06
Speaker 2: because it's such a forward focused way of dealing with
14:09
Speaker 2: your emotions instead of going sitting in the feeling and
14:13
Speaker 2: maybe even fearing it or wanting to run away from
14:15
Speaker 2: it or trying to hide it not only from others
14:18
Speaker 2: but from yourself and going I don't want to feel this,
14:21
Speaker 2: I don't want to be this person. It's just not
14:24
Speaker 2: putting pressure on yourself to be a certain way, just
14:27
Speaker 2: giving yourself permission to be going permission. All I actually
14:31
Speaker 2: need to do is to just do something different or
14:33
Speaker 2: add something in that. I'm really cravingly down, how beautiful?
14:37
Speaker 1: Is that? So cool? And sometimes I've had thoughts of oh,
14:41
Speaker 1: I shouldn't want that, or I should be grateful for
14:42
Speaker 1: what I have. There is nothing wrong with wanting more.
14:47
Speaker 1: There isn't why shame people on wanting more money, on
14:50
Speaker 1: wanting more love, on wanting more friendships, and wanting more
14:54
Speaker 1: shiny things. Yeah, there is nothing wrong with you wanting more.
14:57
Speaker 1: I think deep down we want to know that we're
14:59
Speaker 1: always enough whereas that coming from. But there should be
15:02
Speaker 1: no shame around wanting more. You're allowed to have more.
15:05
Speaker 1: Why can't you have more? And that's a cool thing
15:07
Speaker 1: to explore as well, because I used to think and
15:10
Speaker 1: growing up, I remember my stepdad always was around food.
15:13
Speaker 1: But you should be grateful. There's starving children in Africa.
15:16
Speaker 1: It made me feel bad for wanting a different meal
15:18
Speaker 1: or wanting more food, or not wanting what was on
15:21
Speaker 1: my plate. But you're actually allowed to want different things
15:24
Speaker 1: and we shouldn't be chained for that.
15:25
Speaker 2: I love that conversation. That's incredible, and I experience that
15:30
Speaker 2: in my own way as well. But in relationships, say,
15:33
Speaker 2: if I was in a relationship that I was maybe
15:36
Speaker 2: not happy in or not fully fulfilled in and gaslighting
15:39
Speaker 2: myself for being like, you're not allowed to want more.
15:41
Speaker 2: You should be happy with what you've got it, Yeah,
15:45
Speaker 2: doesn't get angry at me, doesn't yell at me.
15:47
Speaker 1: Feel worse off?
15:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, people are worse off. People have relationships that they're
15:51
Speaker 2: terrified in. Yes, I'm like, oh, should be grateful that
15:53
Speaker 2: he's kind, nice and treats you well. Then it does
15:56
Speaker 2: you almost make yourself feel guilty about well, you should
15:59
Speaker 2: be so grateful. But you can be grateful for what
16:03
Speaker 2: you've got and still want more one hundred percent.
16:06
Speaker 1: I absolutely love that. So freaking cool. Another thing I
16:08
Speaker 1: quickly want to touch on and I have done a
16:10
Speaker 1: previous episode about this, but love language is absolute game changer.
16:15
Speaker 1: Who is the author of the book, Gary Chapman. If
16:18
Speaker 1: you can read it amazing otherwise, just go on to
16:20
Speaker 1: his website and you can do a test to see
16:22
Speaker 1: what your love language is. There's five of them. There's
16:25
Speaker 1: physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts and
16:32
Speaker 1: your favorite quality time? Quality time? How did I forget it?
16:36
Speaker 1: So there's five and they'll normally be one driving one.
16:39
Speaker 1: We love them all, don't get me wrong. I always
16:40
Speaker 1: joke to Steve, but I'm like, I want more words
16:43
Speaker 1: and gifts and this, and that's like you want it all?
16:45
Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely absolutely shame around wanting more.
16:48
Speaker 1: Yes, but you'll find the way that you want to
16:51
Speaker 1: receive love is normally the way you naturally give it.
16:55
Speaker 1: And these love languages can change all the time. And
16:59
Speaker 1: I once read and I feel this is somewhat true.
17:02
Speaker 1: A lot of the time, what we're craving more of
17:04
Speaker 1: is what we haven't had as a child. So for
17:07
Speaker 1: mine for years was access service. And my parents didn't,
17:11
Speaker 1: I suppose, do a lot for me. Yes, they provided
17:13
Speaker 1: a roof, and I'm not coming on here saying negative
17:16
Speaker 1: things about them, but you know, when it comes to
17:18
Speaker 1: having help with my homework, or driving me to my
17:20
Speaker 1: dance class, or helping me pack my lunch, or be
17:23
Speaker 1: the mom or dad that volunteers at school camp or something,
17:26
Speaker 1: I felt like I didn't get a lot of access
17:27
Speaker 1: service and I really had to grow up quite fast
17:29
Speaker 1: and take care of myself, which I'm very grateful for
17:32
Speaker 1: because it's given me amazing work ethics. So by complaining
17:34
Speaker 1: before Annie Karen's come at me. However, when I was
17:38
Speaker 1: pregnant with Tala, Steve just stepped into this access service,
17:42
Speaker 1: just took care of absolutely everything. And then all of
17:45
Speaker 1: a sudden, I was like, I'd feel like I need
17:47
Speaker 1: that anymore, but I'm not getting as much physical touch.
17:50
Speaker 1: So that then went at the top.
17:51
Speaker 2: Like scratch that each yeah, yeah, like oh I feel
17:54
Speaker 2: content in this yes.
17:56
Speaker 1: And then for Steve it was always a physical touch.
17:58
Speaker 1: Now he's got two children and a dog and a cat.
18:01
Speaker 1: You should see us on the couch night. They are
18:03
Speaker 1: all on him, including me, and by the end of
18:06
Speaker 1: the night, he's so touched out. And I remember having
18:08
Speaker 1: this conversation with him because I was feeling like I
18:10
Speaker 1: wasn't getting a lot of touch from him and I
18:12
Speaker 1: wanted more. So I opened up to it and I thought,
18:15
Speaker 1: do you just feel touched out? By the end of
18:17
Speaker 1: the night, everyone's on top of you. No, wonder you
18:19
Speaker 1: aren't as touchy anymore. And he says, yeah, to be honest, babe,
18:22
Speaker 1: all animals don't stop cuddling me. Tala's on me, Taj
18:26
Speaker 1: is on me. It's just it's a lot sometimes and
18:28
Speaker 1: I love it, but I don't find I crave anymore.
18:31
Speaker 1: So now his has gone for physical touch to words. Yeah,
18:34
Speaker 1: and mine's gone from access service to physical touch. So
18:37
Speaker 1: it's interesting to check in often. But the reason I
18:40
Speaker 1: want to bring it up for Valentine's Day is just
18:41
Speaker 1: to be aware to not just do what you would
18:44
Speaker 1: like to receive, check in with what theirs is, because say,
18:47
Speaker 1: if yours is gift, you shower them with gifts, but
18:50
Speaker 1: all they want is your presence and quality time. They
18:52
Speaker 1: might not feel loved from the gifts because it's not
18:54
Speaker 1: important to them. I remember going to a Tony Robins
18:57
Speaker 1: event and he said a common thing when people are
19:00
Speaker 1: going through breakups, you'll hear people say, is but I
19:02
Speaker 1: did everything for them, And he said, you did everything
19:05
Speaker 1: but what they wanted. You did everything you think they
19:10
Speaker 1: wanted because in your head, you're giving love the way
19:12
Speaker 1: that you want to receive it. It's actually not selfish,
19:15
Speaker 1: but kind of you actually checked in with what they
19:17
Speaker 1: needed and what they wanted. It's probably the opposite of
19:20
Speaker 1: what you're actually doing. You're coming from a good place,
19:22
Speaker 1: but if you're sharing them with lots and lots of gifts,
19:25
Speaker 1: and they don't give a shit about gifts. They just
19:26
Speaker 1: want your time or they just want to be hugged
19:28
Speaker 1: and held more often a like little kisses or taps
19:30
Speaker 1: on the button and have that physical touch. It's really
19:33
Speaker 1: important to know what their love language is because.
19:35
Speaker 2: Love can get missed that way because it's like, well,
19:38
Speaker 2: you are, You're both putting in so much effort, but
19:40
Speaker 2: if it's not being received in the way that they
19:41
Speaker 2: need to risk or that they put in importance on
19:45
Speaker 2: receiving less, they're going to miss all the effort they
19:48
Speaker 2: are putting in because to you, it's like, oh my god,
19:50
Speaker 2: I'm going above and beyond. But to that person, Ye're like,
19:53
Speaker 2: I appreciate the effort, but it doesn't hit the same
19:56
Speaker 2: as what it would if I was getting in the
19:58
Speaker 2: way that I need and crave. Yes, I definitely can
20:01
Speaker 2: resonate with that I experienced that I feel in my
20:04
Speaker 2: last relationship. I feel like he was very big on
20:08
Speaker 2: acts of service, but at the time my love language
20:12
Speaker 2: was words of affirmation and physical touch, but his wasn't
20:16
Speaker 2: physical touch. And so even that is anyone who's listening
20:20
Speaker 2: to who navigates that knowing that you have different love
20:23
Speaker 2: languages and knowing how to deal with them navigate them, yes,
20:28
Speaker 2: while still meeting each other, you know. And I think
20:30
Speaker 2: that was a really interesting thing for me because throughout
20:33
Speaker 2: that relationship I noticed that my love language has changed
20:37
Speaker 2: within that relationship. For all my life it had been
20:40
Speaker 2: words of affirmation and physical touch, and then as I
20:43
Speaker 2: started to learn to receive love in that way, it was,
20:46
Speaker 2: oh wow, I really love when people do things for
20:49
Speaker 2: me and they acts of service and they're supporting me
20:51
Speaker 2: in that way. So it's just funny how different people
20:55
Speaker 2: can bring out different things in you as well.
20:58
Speaker 1: Definitely three his joke how much easier it would be
21:00
Speaker 1: in a relationship if you just had the same love language,
21:02
Speaker 1: because you wuld naturally just do it. But that's why
21:04
Speaker 1: it's important to constantly check in because as you change
21:07
Speaker 1: and evolve and your scenarios or your dynamics adding more
21:10
Speaker 1: children or time and energy with work or stress, so
21:13
Speaker 1: till with the love language. So checking once a month.
21:16
Speaker 1: My friend Levi, he's been in a relationship, I think
21:18
Speaker 1: nearly twelve years now. His partner's love language is words
21:21
Speaker 1: of affirmation, and that was on the bottom of the
21:23
Speaker 1: list for him. He actually set reminders because he loves
21:26
Speaker 1: this woman so freakin' much and would do anything for her.
21:29
Speaker 1: He was like, I need to find a system and
21:31
Speaker 1: a solution to this because she constantly feels not loved
21:34
Speaker 1: for me, even though I love her so much and
21:35
Speaker 1: I do everything else. It's words for her. So he
21:38
Speaker 1: actually set reminders in his phone to send text messages
21:41
Speaker 1: and to go and give her words. And the words
21:43
Speaker 1: were there for him, they just didn't naturally come out.
21:45
Speaker 1: He said. He used to think it, but he didn't
21:47
Speaker 1: verbalize it. So he set these alarms in his phone
21:49
Speaker 1: and he did it for nearly two years until it
21:51
Speaker 1: became a habit.
21:52
Speaker 2: Wow.
21:52
Speaker 1: I was like, that is committed love. I think that's beautiful,
21:55
Speaker 1: And a lot of people might listen to that and say, oh,
21:56
Speaker 1: we shouldn't have to set an alarm. If you love
21:58
Speaker 1: that person that much and do feel natural and you're
22:01
Speaker 1: struggling to do it and it constantly comes up and
22:03
Speaker 1: causes little icky moments and your partner's not feeling loved,
22:07
Speaker 1: that's a cool way to do it.
22:08
Speaker 2: Yeah.
22:08
Speaker 1: I love that. I love how committed he was to
22:10
Speaker 1: making sure she felt love.
22:11
Speaker 2: It's choosing the path of least resistance to be able
22:14
Speaker 2: to make what it is you're choosing better and a
22:17
Speaker 2: better experience for both you and your partner. I think
22:19
Speaker 2: that's such a beautiful thing, and even that in itself
22:22
Speaker 2: is the effort to being able to be like, hey,
22:26
Speaker 2: I really see you, I hear you, I understand what
22:29
Speaker 2: it is you're needing, and I'm willing to give that
22:30
Speaker 2: to you. I think that for a lot of women,
22:32
Speaker 2: I could only really speak for myself, but would go
22:35
Speaker 2: such a long way and consideration, safety, all of those things.
22:40
Speaker 1: I remember one year Steve got my girlfriend Megsie to
22:43
Speaker 1: help with Christmas presents, and there was a lot of them.
22:45
Speaker 1: But when I found out that Megsie had gone and
22:47
Speaker 1: bought them, I was a bit disappointed because it was
22:50
Speaker 1: that act of service and the energy and the thought
22:53
Speaker 1: that I thought Steve had gone to do all of
22:54
Speaker 1: that for me. Yeah, that I then felt disappointed. I
22:56
Speaker 1: remember communicating that with him because he was like, but
22:58
Speaker 1: I've got so many beautiful gifts, and I was like,
23:00
Speaker 1: I know, but it's actually the thought of you going
23:03
Speaker 1: to do that for me, you thinking about what I like,
23:06
Speaker 1: that means most. That's more sentimental to me, and he's like, ah,
23:10
Speaker 1: I get it, I get it. But in his head
23:11
Speaker 1: he was like, oh, I'm going to shout with her
23:13
Speaker 1: all these amazing gifts his her girlfriend, who knows her amazing,
23:16
Speaker 1: he knows makeup and all the girly stuff. She'll do
23:17
Speaker 1: a better job of it than me. But I was like,
23:20
Speaker 1: missed it there, appreciate it, yes, but I want you
23:23
Speaker 1: to put the effort in and the thought in, and
23:25
Speaker 1: that means more to me. It was a really cool
23:27
Speaker 1: conversation because he was like, wow, may get it so wrong.
23:29
Speaker 1: Sometimes feedback taken. Yes. So we thought we'd finish off
23:35
Speaker 1: the episode with two things that we've both learned from
23:38
Speaker 1: when we were single to being in a relationship. I
23:41
Speaker 1: learned very early on that I am a lover girl.
23:44
Speaker 1: I'm a relationship girlie. I really wanted to find my
23:48
Speaker 1: person and grow with them and go through the hard
23:50
Speaker 1: times with them and share my whole life with them.
23:53
Speaker 1: I had a period where I had a boyfriend when
23:55
Speaker 1: I was quite young, from maybe fifteen for three and
23:58
Speaker 1: a bit years, and I had about a six month
24:00
Speaker 1: period of being single, and I thought when I broke
24:02
Speaker 1: up with him, I was like whoa five times, I'm
24:05
Speaker 1: going to love this. I'm going to sleep around and
24:07
Speaker 1: be like a bit naughty and tryal the things, and yeah,
24:12
Speaker 1: miserably failed at that was not that girl wanted to like.
24:16
Speaker 1: It just wasn't in me, And I really learned how
24:18
Speaker 1: much I value connection and safety with a person. To
24:23
Speaker 1: be intimate and to have sex especially, I really needed
24:26
Speaker 1: them to mean something to me and for there to
24:29
Speaker 1: be that connection and that feeling safe to be comfortable
24:33
Speaker 1: to do that and to let someone in literally trying
24:37
Speaker 1: to find another word for that, but yeah, I mean yeah,
24:40
Speaker 1: So I learned that very very quickly, and single life
24:43
Speaker 1: just wasn't for me. And still just connection is just
24:46
Speaker 1: my highest highest value. Whereas I know a lot of
24:48
Speaker 1: people love being single and exploring different people. I can
24:51
Speaker 1: see how they love that and that's awesome, But for me,
24:54
Speaker 1: I really wanted to find my person and go through
24:56
Speaker 1: life with them. Yeah.
24:58
Speaker 2: It is such a sacred act as well, especially when
25:00
Speaker 2: you have such a high value of connection.
25:02
Speaker 1: I've got some girlfriends who I'm really close with, and
25:05
Speaker 1: they love sleeping around. It's just sex, yeah, but for me,
25:08
Speaker 1: it's just more than that. I don't know, I have
25:11
Speaker 1: to feel for that person otherwise almost feel like a
25:15
Speaker 1: toy or something. Yeah, I don't know even that.
25:17
Speaker 2: It's like everyone has the different meaning, tensions, expectations on
25:22
Speaker 2: what that act gives and provides.
25:25
Speaker 1: Yeah, and there's no wrong right, not at all. Anyone
25:27
Speaker 1: listening to this please know there's no judgment around anyone
25:29
Speaker 1: sleeping around around a lot before me. And I'm sure
25:32
Speaker 1: he had his fun glory days. But yeah, it's just
25:34
Speaker 1: different for everyone, isn't it. Yeah.
25:36
Speaker 2: So one lesson that I've learned from being in a
25:39
Speaker 2: relationship through just my past experiences, I've had really good
25:43
Speaker 2: experiences in relationships and I've also had some not so
25:45
Speaker 2: really good ones. And I think the biggest thing for
25:48
Speaker 2: me is that the person that you choose to spend
25:51
Speaker 2: your life with is the biggest decision that you could
25:55
Speaker 2: ever make. And what I learned was that the person
25:59
Speaker 2: you're spending so much time with is influencing you in
26:03
Speaker 2: every sense of the word. The way that you think,
26:06
Speaker 2: the way that you act, the way that you behave,
26:08
Speaker 2: how you think about yourself, how you think about life.
26:11
Speaker 2: So if you are unaligned with the person that you're
26:14
Speaker 2: connecting with, maybe because you have a lot of sexual chemistry,
26:17
Speaker 2: and you connect with that person physically, but mentally, you
26:21
Speaker 2: guys are on a different wavelength. You've got different values,
26:25
Speaker 2: you treat people differently. All of those things can impact
26:29
Speaker 2: you in a negative way. I don't even want to
26:32
Speaker 2: say it like that, but it's influence. You are one
26:36
Speaker 2: of the five people that you spend time with. So
26:38
Speaker 2: imagine that person you're spending time with. You're with them
26:41
Speaker 2: at night, You're going to the gym with them, you're
26:43
Speaker 2: eating every meal with them, You're spending so much time
26:45
Speaker 2: with them. You can be influenced in a negative wayout.
26:49
Speaker 1: Even realizing it, Hey, oh absolutely.
26:51
Speaker 2: That you might end up wilting, Yes, being a version
26:54
Speaker 2: of yourself that is condensed, smaller, more in a boxed
26:58
Speaker 2: version of you, maybe because you're trying to be what
27:01
Speaker 2: they want you to be.
27:02
Speaker 1: Yes.
27:02
Speaker 2: And then on the opposite side of that is, when
27:05
Speaker 2: you are loved correctly, you thrive, You become a bigger
27:09
Speaker 2: version of yourself, you become a more confident version of yourself,
27:13
Speaker 2: and so on the opposite side of that is like
27:16
Speaker 2: when you're loved correctly, you end up learning how to
27:19
Speaker 2: love yourself deeper because that person shows you that it's
27:23
Speaker 2: okay to love yourself be loved to that depth. Oh absolutely,
27:27
Speaker 2: And they might even love parts of you that you're
27:29
Speaker 2: terrified of loving. Yeah, and then they just show you, hey,
27:32
Speaker 2: it's okay, Like I love you all for who you are,
27:34
Speaker 2: and you just become a grander version of yourself. And
27:38
Speaker 2: so that's a huge lesson that I've learned in relationships
27:41
Speaker 2: is like you're allowed to be very picky with the
27:44
Speaker 2: person that you spend the most time with because it's
27:46
Speaker 2: the most important decision.
27:47
Speaker 1: You'll ever make.
27:48
Speaker 2: And a lot of people go, oh, but you know,
27:51
Speaker 2: choosing your career is the biggest decision you'll ever make.
27:54
Speaker 2: But the person that you choose to do that journey
27:56
Speaker 2: with can impact whether you get closer to that journey
27:59
Speaker 2: or away from that journey, or closer to your personal
28:02
Speaker 2: values or further away from your personal values. For example,
28:06
Speaker 2: if your partner wants to have kids and you don't,
28:09
Speaker 2: are you going to then choose that outcome for yourself
28:11
Speaker 2: because you love that person, you think that's what you should.
28:14
Speaker 1: Do, buy something that you really wanted.
28:16
Speaker 2: Or maybe your partner wants you to have children and
28:18
Speaker 2: you want to have a career, but it's really just
28:20
Speaker 2: being like, you're allowed to take time in this decision,
28:23
Speaker 2: You're allowed to listen to what you truly want to need.
28:27
Speaker 2: You're allowed to be selfish, and I love that you're
28:29
Speaker 2: allowed to be selfish in it.
28:30
Speaker 1: Definitely another thing just on top of that too, when
28:33
Speaker 1: you're choosing a partner as a female, and if you're
28:36
Speaker 1: someone that wants kids, just remember you're not just choosing
28:38
Speaker 1: them for you, You're choosing them for your kids as well.
28:41
Speaker 1: You've got to choose, Yeah, choose wisely.
28:44
Speaker 2: That's such a beautiful thing.
28:45
Speaker 1: It that's the gift I took in having a shitty
28:48
Speaker 1: father and a shitty stepfather. I was like, Wow, you
28:51
Speaker 1: were exactly what I do not want for my children.
28:54
Speaker 1: And I found a man that is so committed and
28:56
Speaker 1: so hands on and so committed to his growth and
28:59
Speaker 1: taking responsibility and being able to take care of us
29:01
Speaker 1: the way that I never got as a little girl.
29:03
Speaker 1: So I chose someone that could be all of that
29:05
Speaker 1: for my kids and for me. So just keep that
29:08
Speaker 1: in mind. It's not just about you, it's about your
29:09
Speaker 1: future kids as well.
29:11
Speaker 2: A lot of people, I feel sometimes have a negative
29:13
Speaker 2: connotation around dating and being like, oh, like you shouldn't
29:16
Speaker 2: be dating and this and that, and you should just
29:18
Speaker 2: stick to one personally. Everybody has different viewpoints, right, But
29:22
Speaker 2: when you learn what you want through dating, you get
29:25
Speaker 2: to see what you want exactly, what's important to you, what's.
29:28
Speaker 1: Not important to do that.
29:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, And through my own experience, I was able to see, Okay,
29:32
Speaker 2: you know, my first relationship that was four years was
29:36
Speaker 2: very unhealthy for the both of us, and it showed
29:38
Speaker 2: me that I never want to feel unsafe in a
29:40
Speaker 2: relationship again. I never want someone to make me question
29:43
Speaker 2: myself ever again. And then that allows me to see
29:45
Speaker 2: in the next partner, okay, cool, like this person makes
29:48
Speaker 2: me value myself more, and that's the partner that I want.
29:52
Speaker 1: Is that the first relationship, Hey, guys, had a lot
29:55
Speaker 1: of sexual chemistry. Yes, you value that, but you also
29:58
Speaker 1: value safety. So you could have settled just because that
30:00
Speaker 1: was so good, But then you would have been letting
30:03
Speaker 1: all this go.
30:03
Speaker 2: Well. It was this sexual chemistry that we had in
30:06
Speaker 2: the relationship was like savoring the relationship. It was the
30:09
Speaker 2: thing that beyond all the fighting and the gas lighting
30:13
Speaker 2: and just for her, all the hurt and all the
30:15
Speaker 2: negative side of things, it was the sex that would
30:17
Speaker 2: bring us together, and so it was like a band
30:19
Speaker 2: aid solution almost, but it was so strong that we
30:23
Speaker 2: we just couldn't let.
30:23
Speaker 1: Each other go. Yeah, it was almost addictive.
30:25
Speaker 2: It was honestly very on healthy.
30:27
Speaker 1: It was very addictive. It was so good, yeah, you know.
30:29
Speaker 2: But it wasn't in every other area. That was the
30:32
Speaker 2: only area that was actually good. When I look at
30:34
Speaker 2: it in hindsight.
30:35
Speaker 1: I wrote down this note. I'm going to read it
30:37
Speaker 1: out straight from here. It's really nice to be able
30:39
Speaker 1: to be so selfish with your time to do exactly
30:41
Speaker 1: what you want when you want, and really focus on
30:43
Speaker 1: your own emotional piece. To take the time to get
30:45
Speaker 1: to know yourself and what you want out of your
30:47
Speaker 1: life without outside noise from anyone, including your partner. You know,
30:51
Speaker 1: kind of goes against what you just said. But I
30:53
Speaker 1: think from experience and even viewing friends in partnerships that
30:58
Speaker 1: aren't necessarily I suppose healthy, they get lost in the
31:01
Speaker 1: relationship and they lose themselves and what they enjoy and
31:05
Speaker 1: their hobbies and what their passions and their purpose are
31:07
Speaker 1: because they think they just alwayst need to be at
31:09
Speaker 1: service of their partner. We were talking about this the
31:12
Speaker 1: other day with someone that we know, and yes, I'm
31:15
Speaker 1: so committed to Steve and my children, but I also
31:18
Speaker 1: know I'm the best version of myself when I'm taking
31:21
Speaker 1: care of me and I'm still honoring all the things
31:24
Speaker 1: that I value in my life. And it was really
31:27
Speaker 1: important to find a partner. And we've had our echy
31:29
Speaker 1: moments where we've had to have hard discussions around this
31:32
Speaker 1: when maybe it's slipped or we're not allowing each other
31:35
Speaker 1: to do everything we want to do, or we've had
31:37
Speaker 1: moments of jealousy or resentment come up, but we're solid
31:42
Speaker 1: with it now. Is really allowing each other to do
31:44
Speaker 1: the things we want to do, with who we want
31:45
Speaker 1: to do, when we want to do it. Yes, it
31:47
Speaker 1: still needs to work and revolve around the family, but
31:49
Speaker 1: I don't ever feel any resentment from Steve or towards Steve,
31:53
Speaker 1: because we both make sure each other gets to do that.
31:55
Speaker 1: For example, this week, he's gone to this strain and open.
31:57
Speaker 1: Anytime I go away or Steve goes away, there's always
32:00
Speaker 1: an influx of DMS women being like, how do you
32:03
Speaker 1: let your partner go away when you're at home with
32:05
Speaker 1: your kids by yourself, And for me, I was like,
32:07
Speaker 1: why would I not. He works so hard for us
32:10
Speaker 1: on his most amazing dad, I want him to go
32:12
Speaker 1: and have fun. I almost want him to switch his
32:14
Speaker 1: phone off if I'm being honest, and not have to
32:17
Speaker 1: report back to staff and be running the business and
32:20
Speaker 1: always just being on. I want him to switch off
32:22
Speaker 1: and just be Steve.
32:23
Speaker 2: Yeah.
32:23
Speaker 1: And I want him to want that for me. Yeah,
32:25
Speaker 1: he knows. When I go on my girl to BALI,
32:27
Speaker 1: I'm taking off my mum hat. Yeah, taken off my
32:29
Speaker 1: work hat. I'm taken off all my hats, and I'm
32:31
Speaker 1: just free to just be who I want to be
32:34
Speaker 1: in that moment, as she again. Yeah, and I love
32:36
Speaker 1: the mum hat. I love the wife hat, and I
32:38
Speaker 1: love the podcasting. I love all the hats I wear.
32:40
Speaker 1: I really do. I wouldn't do them if I didn't.
32:43
Speaker 1: But it's really important to not lose yourself in a relationship.
32:45
Speaker 1: And I learned that from being with someone for so long,
32:48
Speaker 1: because there has been moments where I feel like I
32:49
Speaker 1: have revolved my life around Steve or tried to please
32:52
Speaker 1: him and do everything he wants to be, and then
32:54
Speaker 1: I feel this resentment of like, oh, well, why did
32:55
Speaker 1: I get to do that? And he would say, well
32:58
Speaker 1: you can. What's stopping you? Yeah, And it's my own
33:01
Speaker 1: stuff in my own head going on. So that's just
33:03
Speaker 1: an important lesson I wanted to out there because I
33:05
Speaker 1: think it's easy to do, especially in a long term relationship,
33:09
Speaker 1: and if you're not having the hard conversations and honoring
33:12
Speaker 1: truly what you want to what you need. Yeah, and
33:14
Speaker 1: it's not that it's ever tip for tat, However, I
33:17
Speaker 1: don't ever want to risk there being any resentment. Yeah,
33:20
Speaker 1: when I go on a girlship and like where are
33:21
Speaker 1: you going to go with the boys? What are you
33:23
Speaker 1: going to do? Yeah? You know, I really want us
33:25
Speaker 1: both to have all the things that we enjoy in love. Yeah,
33:28
Speaker 1: but yeah, what's your second one?
33:30
Speaker 2: My next lesson that I've learned in a relationship is
33:33
Speaker 2: that I truly believe that you can learn and grow
33:37
Speaker 2: so much faster when you're in a relationship versus being single. Now,
33:42
Speaker 2: don't get me wrong, I think you can do an
33:44
Speaker 2: immense amount of personal development, self inquiry work and understand
33:49
Speaker 2: who you are as a person when you're single. There's
33:51
Speaker 2: a time and a place for that, but there's something
33:54
Speaker 2: about being in an intimate relationship where you are devoted
33:57
Speaker 2: to each other, like all ego down, like fully committed
34:01
Speaker 2: to this person devotion. You're a team, you're a union.
34:05
Speaker 2: There is something so special about being able to do
34:08
Speaker 2: that with somebody that all of your shit comes out.
34:11
Speaker 2: And I just think when you're single, you're not triggered
34:14
Speaker 2: or exposed to the same things that you are in
34:16
Speaker 2: a relationship. So true, you're just not because you're free,
34:20
Speaker 2: you're in control, you're not vulnerable.
34:23
Speaker 1: Just think about anyone else.
34:24
Speaker 2: Having a good time. Everything revolves around. You're a little
34:27
Speaker 2: bit more selfish, whereas when you're in a relationship, you
34:29
Speaker 2: are taking into consideration somebody else. You're surrounded by somebody
34:33
Speaker 2: all the time, your fears come up.
34:35
Speaker 1: You're vulnerable.
34:37
Speaker 2: You love that person so much that sometimes you even
34:39
Speaker 2: get a little bit nervous, like, oh can I lose
34:41
Speaker 2: this person? You're a lot more vulnerable, right, and so
34:44
Speaker 2: you are exposed to a whole set of challenges that
34:47
Speaker 2: you wouldn't whin you're singles. And I just think it's
34:50
Speaker 2: an incredible thing to experience because you can heal so
34:54
Speaker 2: many wounds that you're carrying, whether it's jealousy, fear of loss,
34:59
Speaker 2: fear of abandonment, anything that you're so terrified or losing
35:03
Speaker 2: all of that shit's.
35:04
Speaker 1: Going to come up.
35:05
Speaker 2: You got to face it.
35:05
Speaker 1: Yeah, you have to face You got to face it
35:07
Speaker 1: from it.
35:08
Speaker 2: Either face it or you push the person away.
35:09
Speaker 1: Yes, exactly.
35:10
Speaker 2: So in that moment, you get an opportunity to really grow.
35:14
Speaker 2: And I'm learning this in my current relationship with Lee
35:16
Speaker 2: now that there have been things that have come up
35:19
Speaker 2: for me around you know, fear of losing him or
35:21
Speaker 2: fear of getting too vulnerable, and the intimacy that we're
35:24
Speaker 2: creating is the most beautiful thing that I've ever experienced
35:27
Speaker 2: in my life. And I've had fears come up around it.
35:31
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, oh, this is too deep, it's too.
35:33
Speaker 2: Scary, you know. And then for me, it's about sitting
35:36
Speaker 2: with those fears, being like, you're safe, You're okay, he's
35:39
Speaker 2: got you, you can trust him, you can trust yourself,
35:42
Speaker 2: and then leaning in and then it deepens even more,
35:44
Speaker 2: and then that fear just dissolves, and then you know,
35:47
Speaker 2: you're like, okay, cool, I can park this for now
35:49
Speaker 2: until it comes up the next time, and then I'll
35:51
Speaker 2: be able to face it again and I'll do the
35:52
Speaker 2: same thing again.
35:54
Speaker 1: You recover quick at each time. It comes up every time,
35:56
Speaker 1: and then it might be a micro triuger to be like, oh,
35:58
Speaker 1: I remember that didn't used to feel good. Actually I'm okay.
36:02
Speaker 2: Even now it's like cop once down the track and
36:04
Speaker 2: I don't feel that same way and I did in
36:06
Speaker 2: the beginning.
36:06
Speaker 1: You will want to bring it up so that you
36:08
Speaker 1: guys can work through it together.
36:09
Speaker 2: I'm like, let's go bring it in, and bring it in.
36:12
Speaker 2: Let's go, let's get to work.
36:13
Speaker 1: So cool.
36:14
Speaker 2: Do you have one more lesson that you want to share?
36:16
Speaker 1: I have one more that will actually surprise you. And
36:18
Speaker 1: it's been really cool to have conversations with you about
36:20
Speaker 1: this because I think it's a common fear for a
36:22
Speaker 1: lot of people. But I'm here to debunk that myth.
36:26
Speaker 1: The sex actually gets better and better the longer you're
36:29
Speaker 1: with someone. I used to fear being with someone long term.
36:33
Speaker 1: Would I get sick of having the same penis for
36:35
Speaker 1: over ten years? Am I going to get bored of that?
36:37
Speaker 1: Is he going to get bored of me? Does he
36:39
Speaker 1: see me in lingerie or naked and be like, oh,
36:41
Speaker 1: I've seen that so many times? Nope, just as excited,
36:45
Speaker 1: just as good. I still get if not better reactions now,
36:48
Speaker 1: But I tell you what, it gets better and better
36:51
Speaker 1: still to this day, nearly seventeen years later, I feel
36:54
Speaker 1: like our sex life is better than it ever has been.
36:57
Speaker 1: You're so much more connected. They know your body inside out.
37:00
Speaker 1: He knows everything about my body. He knows what I love,
37:03
Speaker 1: literally everything. I think that's so cool. I really love
37:06
Speaker 1: that because I used to be a really big fear
37:08
Speaker 1: of mine. And of course we've been through more dry spots.
37:12
Speaker 1: You know, after having a baby, I definitely wasn't feeling
37:14
Speaker 1: like my most sexual self. But I love that it
37:17
Speaker 1: gets to get better and better and it's still just
37:19
Speaker 1: as exciting, It's still as just as pleasurable. I think
37:21
Speaker 1: it's really cool. After all this time gives me hope
37:24
Speaker 1: that in forty years I'll still be saying, yes, let's hope.
37:27
Speaker 1: So report back there. Yeah, it's a report back that.
37:29
Speaker 2: Makes me so excited and makes me excited to look
37:33
Speaker 2: forward to being able to create that with somebody and
37:35
Speaker 2: like be able to create that life as well, and
37:38
Speaker 2: that I have hope of I get to be in
37:40
Speaker 2: control of how the relationship evolves, because that's the effort
37:43
Speaker 2: that you and Steve put in time and time again
37:46
Speaker 2: to be able to reconnect with each other. Make sure
37:48
Speaker 2: that you keep that like spark and that passion alive,
37:51
Speaker 2: and that's like a true testament to your relationship. That's
37:54
Speaker 2: so it's super impressive.
37:55
Speaker 1: Because it's not just in the bedroom. It's actually everything
37:57
Speaker 1: outside the bedroom, especially for females. Outside the bedroom is
38:00
Speaker 1: our foreplay. Oh yeah, how we're connected, how we're heard,
38:02
Speaker 1: how we feel safe, how validated we feel. All of
38:05
Speaker 1: that that takes consistent work and being so conscious and
38:08
Speaker 1: aware of each other and what you're needing day to day.
38:11
Speaker 1: I think without all of that, the sex wouldn't be
38:14
Speaker 1: as good. Yeah. So yeah, that's my last one. What
38:16
Speaker 1: about you watch your last good one? Thank you?
38:19
Speaker 2: Okay, So my last one is a lesson that I
38:22
Speaker 2: learned from being single, and any validation is not good validation.
38:28
Speaker 1: Yeah.
38:28
Speaker 2: I think what I've learned while being single is that
38:31
Speaker 2: it's all fun in games for about five minutes when
38:34
Speaker 2: you're receiving validation, when you're receiving like Instagram like or
38:38
Speaker 2: a quick DM or just men being interested in you.
38:40
Speaker 2: Yeah you know, men you know, wanting to send a
38:43
Speaker 2: fire emoji.
38:44
Speaker 1: On your Instagram at a cafe or something.
38:46
Speaker 2: Yeah, I want to start something up with you, but
38:47
Speaker 2: it's just there's no substance to that validation that it
38:51
Speaker 2: can sometimes be more detrimental than anything. If you're single
38:54
Speaker 2: and you're looking for that higher validation just from anyone,
38:58
Speaker 2: because you're just you're bored and you're kind of looking
39:00
Speaker 2: for that, it can be more detrimental because you're going
39:02
Speaker 2: to then chase that. You're not giving that to your
39:05
Speaker 2: You're not able to be that sense of validation and
39:08
Speaker 2: reassurance for yourself. You're always seeking the next shiny object,
39:11
Speaker 2: which is usually a man or depending what you're into.
39:14
Speaker 2: So I just learned that it's not that fun. It's
39:16
Speaker 2: not that fun, And I resonate a lot with what
39:18
Speaker 2: you said in the beginning around wanting to build a
39:21
Speaker 2: life with somebody. For me, the word devotion is what
39:26
Speaker 2: represents relationships for me, and I've always wanted that. So
39:29
Speaker 2: the in between of relationships for being single, I'm like, yes,
39:32
Speaker 2: I love time with myself. I use it as a
39:34
Speaker 2: character building moment off I get to learn and love
39:37
Speaker 2: myself deeper. However, being able to create that with somebody
39:41
Speaker 2: and being devoted to somebody who's like the ultimate.
39:44
Speaker 1: End goal for me. We love you, guys, We love you.
39:46
Speaker 1: If you're not in our Facebook community, please come over
39:49
Speaker 1: jump in there. Just search she rises on Facebook us
39:52
Speaker 1: to join you. Are you in? It's all female based
39:55
Speaker 1: forum where we get to support each other, continue yapping
39:57
Speaker 1: about the episodes. You can ask us any questions, throw
39:59
Speaker 1: on some suggestions. You will always be the first ones
40:02
Speaker 1: to get access to tickets to our events, which is
40:05
Speaker 1: around seventy percent of our last tickets sold from girls
40:08
Speaker 1: in the forum. Yes, so we give them a four
40:10
Speaker 1: twenty four hours before we release the public. So that
40:12
Speaker 1: event we spoke about sounds like a bit of you
40:14
Speaker 1: and you wanted to step outside your comfort zone and grow,
40:16
Speaker 1: Then make sure you're in the forum.
40:18
Speaker 2: It's coming in really hot.
40:19
Speaker 1: Yeah.
40:19
Speaker 2: I think it's going to be going on sale very
40:21
Speaker 2: soon for the next one.
40:22
Speaker 1: Yeah. Otherwise we'll be in your ears on Wednesday. Sounds
40:24
Speaker 1: good bye, bye, ladies,