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Mojo Monday - Art of Acquiescence: Strength Through Surrender with Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Hi everybody. Carly Taylor here for this week's Mojoy Monday.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to talk today about a very helpful
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: idea that comes from the Stoics, and that is called
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: the art of acquiescence. And I'm going to start with
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: a story. So my mother passed away a little over
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: ten years ago. She had CLLL, which is chronic lymphocytic leukemia,
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: and what that is is cancer of the bone marrow
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: and there's no cure because it's chronic and it slowly
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: gets worse over time. And her journey with cll lasted
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: around seven years. So the story that I'm going to
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: tell you about my mum is around the final months
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: of her life. And looking back, I think I was
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: pretty much in denial that her death was imminent. Cancer
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: can often be a hidden illness and people can still
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: function every day with cancer but be very very ill
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: at the same time. And one day she sat me
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: down with a cup of tea in her little flat
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: in Brunswick in Melbourne, and she told me she only
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: had a couple of months to live. So suddenly what
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: I'd been avoiding became very very real. I was in tears,
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  Speaker 1: but what struck me most was how calm she was.
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  Speaker 1: She was completely level headed, even as she went over
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: her funeral wishes and where she'd left things for me
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: and my brother to sort out in her flat. She
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: was very very calm. And then she shared something very unexpected.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: She said that she was planning this big lunch and
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: it was called her celebration of life lunch. So what
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: her idea was that instead of having a wake after
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: she passed, she wanted to host her own celebration while
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: she was still alive. So she gathered her closest people,
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: some of whom flew in from interstate, and booked a
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  Speaker 1: private room at the Flower Drum in Melbourne, the Chinese restaurant.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: And this restaurant was particularly special because she had spent
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: several years in China and she had a deep love
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: for Chinese culture. But the thing is, this lunch wasn't
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: just about celebrating her life. She made it very very clear.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: It was to celebrate everyone's lives who were there that day,
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: and she set one rule, no tears. In fact, Paul
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: was the tear police. He had to make sure that
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: there were no tears because it was meant to be
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: a happy occasion and a true celebration of all our lives.
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  Speaker 1: So it was three weeks to the day before she
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: passed away that the lunch took place, and she stood
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: up and she gave a speech, and she mentioned every
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: single person in the room sharing what they meant to her.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: And there would have been I reckon fifty or sixty
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: people there, and she spoke with such eloquence and confidence.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: It was as if she was holding court at this
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: grand event. And afterwards everyone was taking photos of her
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: like she was celebrity. And then three weeks too that
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: day she left us. So this brings me to a
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: stoic concept called the art of acquiescence, and whether Mum
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: knew it or not, she embodied this in her final months.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: It's a strength I think we can all learn from.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: So there's a stoic quote, the fates guide the person
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: who accepts them and hinder the person who resists them.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: When Mum got her diagnosis, after the initial shock, she
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: was able to accept it, and of course it was
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: a rollercoaster journey over seven years, but there was an
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: underlying acceptance that she had to have. So it was like,
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: what's the point in denying something that you cannot change?
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  Speaker 1: And that's exactly what the art of acquiescence is, accepting
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: or surrendering to what we can't change. And that's not
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: about giving up or liking it, but fully embracing the
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: reality of what is. An epictetis then said to turn
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: our attention to gratitude, and this is what Mum did.
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  Speaker 1: She turned to how grateful she was to all the
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: people in her life. Now, you don't have to be
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: dying to apply this to your life. In fact, I
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: try to intentionally practice this every day with the small things.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: And this isn't to say that, you know, we shouldn't
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: complain about anything, but so often we spend way too
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: much time in that space. So think about all the
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: little things that frustrate you. You know, we get a
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: red light when we're running late, the supermarket trolley wheels
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: don't work, that's one of my gripes. We don't get
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: the job we wanted, the rain ruins our plans, or
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: you go through a painful relationship on marriage breakup. You know,
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: our kids move out and the house feels too quiet.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: All these things we can get really caught up in
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  Speaker 1: them in these moments because we think life shouldn't be
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: this way, or we don't want it to be this way,
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: or we don't want to feel like this. But reality
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: is often different to what we think it should be. Marita,
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: the founder of Marita Therapy, says, our thoughts are not reality.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: Our thoughts are ideas about reality, and he called the
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: resistance to what is reality a contradiction of ideas. So
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: rather than listening to our complaining minds about how things
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: should be, we can practice surrendering to how things are
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: and surrendering to the things that we cannot change. Now,
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  Speaker 1: this isn't easy. It's a skill and it's one that
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: takes practice. It also takes humility and a willingness to
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: sit with the discomfort that it may bring. But when
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  Speaker 1: we do, it opens up space. It's the Japanese concept
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: of arrogamama, which I often talk about, which is more
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: of an experience than a translatable word. But the closest
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  Speaker 1: we get is as it is for the suchness of things.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: And then from that place of acceptance we ask what
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: needs to be done, And really the bottom line of
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: that is that we are avoid resisting what is. And
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  Speaker 1: that's how my mother lived her final weeks, fully present
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: to what is, and I think we can all bring
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  Speaker 1: that mindset into our daily lives. So ask yourself, what
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: do you need to surrender to that you cannot change
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: what's stressing you out right now, that you simply need
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  Speaker 1: to accept. Marcu's really has said over two thousand years ago,
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  Speaker 1: if you are distressed by anything external, the pain is
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  Speaker 1: not due to the thing itself, but to your own
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  Speaker 1: estimate of it, and this you have the power to
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  Speaker 1: revoke at any moment. It takes courage and wisdom, which
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: are two core Stoic virtues, to truly accept reality when
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: we don't like it and surrender to it. Surrendering isn't
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  Speaker 1: giving up, but when we do surrender, we lighten the
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  Speaker 1: weight of our struggles and we can focus our energy
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  Speaker 1: on what is within our control, and in doing so
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: we can live more fully, embracing life with all its
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: ups and downs. So this week I invite you to
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  Speaker 1: become aware of what you can't change right now and
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: make room for what is. And if you do this
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: with the small daily things in your life, you will
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: train yourself to deal with the more inevitable, challenging aspects
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  Speaker 1: of life. So that's it from me this week. I
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: hope you all have a fantastic week and I will
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: catch you next Monday.