Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S3E36 - The Anger Iceberg: What Your Child Is Really Feeling

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S3E36 - The Anger Iceberg: What Your Child Is Really Feeling · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  I am talking about the anger iceberg.
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  And for those of you that have any psychology background,
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  you might have heard of this concept before.
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  If you ever took a psych class or
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  any kind of
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  social science kind of thing,
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  you,
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  you might have a little bit of knowledge of this.
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  But I want to talk about how it influences kids' behavior because
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  I think that this is one of the most helpful things when,
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  when adults get this concept
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  and when they see it,
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  when they're interacting with their children,
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  it changes the way that we engage and the way we respond.
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  Which makes us more effective
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  in communication.
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  So,
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  hopefully this is encouraging.
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  So for those of you that are not familiar with it,
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  you're going to have to visualize this with me for a second.
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  So think about a water line drawn on a piece of paper.
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  So,
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  you know,
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  you have the waves going across the paper and you can see that as the ocean,
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  for example.
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  And there's a little triangle popping up
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  in the middle at the top above the waves.
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  That is the iceberg.
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  But if you look below the water line.
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  You see this massive
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  ice formation,
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  but all that you see over the top is that tiny little triangle,
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  which is the tip.
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  OK,
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  so that's what you need to visualize.
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  So when you see
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  an iceberg above the surface of the water,
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  it's usually just a little peak.
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  But under the surface,
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  it can sometimes be
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  monumental in size.
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  So let's follow this
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  visualization now.
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  When we think about negative emotions and children expressing negative emotions.
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  Every single
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  emotion.
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  That's negative,
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  requires vulnerability.
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  So if you're disappointed,
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  you're vulnerable.
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  If you're ashamed,
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  you're vulnerable.
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  If you're frustrated,
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  you're vulnerable.
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  If you're nervous,
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  you're vulnerable.
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  If you're let down,
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  you're vulnerable,
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  so on and so forth.
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  In children
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  especially,
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  but humans across all spectrum age.
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  We avoid vulnerability.
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  No one likes being vulnerable.
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  We're wired for self-preservation.
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  Vulnerability is not self-preserving.
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  So we all are wired to avoid vulnerability.
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  Kids specifically though,
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  they don't want to feel vulnerable,
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  so they think the only way that they cannot be vulnerable is to feel powerful.
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  The only way that they can feel powerful
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  when they're experiencing a negative emotion.
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  is to demonstrate anger.
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  Anger is the only emotion
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  that makes you feel powerful,
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  that's negative.
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  So are you tracking,
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  I'm hoping
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  we have vulnerability
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  in every other negative emotion,
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  anger,
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  you feel powerful.
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  So kids,
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  instead of being vulnerable when they're feeling something else,
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  they're going to default to angry behavior.
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  This is all subconscious,
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  by the way.
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  Kids are not rational.
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  Please don't forget that.
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  Don't let adulthood bias cloud your judgment.
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  Kids are not rational.
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  So,
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  they're not sitting there thinking,
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  I'm not gonna be vulnerable,
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  I'm just going to be a power monger right now and that's gonna make me feel better.
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  They're subconsciously motivated,
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  they're experiential,
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  they're emotional.
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  They hate the vulnerability subconsciously and they're
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  wired
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  to go,
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  no,
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  no,
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  no,
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  no,
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  we're not doing that.
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  But their emotions are overwhelmed.
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  They're completely disregulated inside
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  from whatever this negative emotion is.
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  The only way they know to show it
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  is to demonstrate something.
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  So they're going to demonstrate power and control,
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  which almost always comes out in anger.
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  So they're going to yell,
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  they're going to kick,
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  they're going to bite,
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  they're going to scream,
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  they're going to flail,
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  they're going to behave in angry ways,
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  throw things,
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  kick things,
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  punch things
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  because they feel powerful.
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  They're not actually angry.
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  They're overwhelmed,
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  they're disregulated,
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  they don't have emotional vocabulary,
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  and they're avoiding vulnerability.
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  The fancy word
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  in the mental health circle
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  is they're masking.
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  So instead of being
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  devastated,
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  Which is what they actually are.
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  They're not going to let you see devastation.
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  They're going to punch something,
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  they're going to throw something
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  subconsciously
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  self-preserving.
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  And then we have
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  the perception that our kids are angry
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  and that they're aggressive.
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  But it's the anger iceberg.
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  All you see is the little
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  triangle at the top above the water.
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  You just see the anger
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  coming out,
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  the aggression coming out.
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  Underneath the surface,
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  there's so much more going on,
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  such a bigger thing
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  right there
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  that we miss.
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  So this is one of the concepts that I share with parents when they
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  come in and they talk about how angry and aggressive their child is.
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  It's,
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  you have to see,
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  you have to filter it through a different lens.
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  You have to see the behavior
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  in a different context.
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  Because
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  it's very easy to say,
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  oh my gosh,
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  my kid's angry all the time,
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  my kid's aggressive all the time.
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  Well
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  That's true.
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  I mean,
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  if they're hitting and kicking and screaming
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  and yelling and saying they hate people,
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  they are angry and aggressive.
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  But their behavior is,
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  it doesn't mean that's their internal state.
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  Their internal state is likely something negative
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  that they're masking
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  because they don't want to be vulnerable.
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  And one of the things we know about children is
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  their most extreme behaviors
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  are their most effective cues.
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  To their pain
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  So if we have a kid that is
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  hitting and biting and kicking and throwing and yelling all the time,
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  That child is basically saying,
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  Here's my pain.
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  Here's my pain.
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  Here's my pain,
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  here's my pain.
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  And if we miss that.
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  If all we do is see the anger,
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  if all we do is see the aggression.
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  They're going to keep escalating the anger and
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  the aggression because they don't feel seen,
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  heard,
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  and understood.
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  So when we filter things through a different lens and we go,
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  He's actually scared right now.
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  Oh,
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  he's really disappointed because his friend didn't show up.
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  Oh,
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  he's annoyed because that kid just stole his pencil.
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  Oh,
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  he's really bummed because he missed
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  going and seeing his friends.
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  We now have a totally different perspective
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  on that behavior.
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  And we understand what's going on under the surface
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  because if all we focus on is that little
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  triangle popping up over the water,
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  we've missed all the cues
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  and our children always give us cues,
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  y'all.
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  They are going to show you how they feel.
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  They can't tell you.
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  They don't know
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  They're not cognitive,
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  they're not verbal.
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  So they're going to show you how they feel,
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  but don't let power and control
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  and anger and aggression
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  trick you and fool you into thinking that they're angry and aggressive.
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  That's means to an end.
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  There's so much more going on below the surface,
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  and that's our job as rational,
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  intelligent,
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  logical,
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  brain-based adults.
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  To not get swayed
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  by the anger and the aggression
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  and go,
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  hold on,
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  that's not what it is.
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  Let me,
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  let me think about this.
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  There's more,
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  way more going on here.
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  Let's figure it out.
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  Then we respond appropriately.
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  So I hope that encourages you.
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  I hope that that gives you some things to think about,
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  maybe some changes to make
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  with your children,
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  especially if you happen to have angry or aggressive behaving children.
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  I think it's really helpful to recognize it's almost always about vulnerability
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  and not wanting to show it.
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  Just a little quick announcement.
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  I am pre-recording these episodes,
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  so we are going to have a weekly release over these next 3 weeks,
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  but I just want to let you all know that I leave next week for Japan.
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  I'm gonna be there for 2 weeks with my family,
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  really looking forward to it,
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  really excited.
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  We're gonna be able to do some exciting things.
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  So if you email me,
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  which I would love for you to,
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  by the way,
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  renna at the kidcounselor.com,
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  if you email me,
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  I may be slow in responding.
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  I'm not ignoring you.
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  I do read every single email.
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  I promise I will respond.
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  It just may take longer because I'm
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  out of the country,
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  14 hours off of my normal schedule
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  and vacationing.
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  So
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  I just wanted to make you aware that I may be a little slow,
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  but I promise I will respond when I can.
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  And
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  I will talk to you all again soon.
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  Love you.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
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  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.