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The Avoidant Parent. Series intro · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, I'm Kim Lee, child and adolescent psychotherapist, and this is a new series which I have decided to write because there's something about this particular area of parent-child relationships, which I think is undercommunicated, and it's sort of subtle at one level, yet the effects of it can be incredibly powerful.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Not just because the effects upon children, so apparently or at least in the consulting room, but also the effects upon the partners of the parent who behaves in this way, and also others who might very well be involved.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: So this is about avoidant parents.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now I think what's really important is to understand and have a clear understanding of what we mean by avoidant, because terms like this are used in a very loose way quite often.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And in the same way that people talk about narcissists and so on.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: And we're not talking about a disorder.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: So in the introduction to the series, I've I have actually described the avoidant parent as somebody who may be physically present but emotionally difficult to reach.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: So in this episode, I want to clarify things a bit and talk about what that parent is actually avoiding.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: The obvious answer might be conflict, intimacy, or emotional responsibility, but underneath these things lies something more fundamental.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: The avoidant person is often trying to escape an internal emotional state which feels impossible to tolerate.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: And this may be anxiety, shame, helplessness, dependency, disappointment, or the fear of being criticized.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: It may be the discomfort of not knowing what to say, the possibility of getting something wrong, or the experience of being emotionally needed by somebody else.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, for some avoidant adults, strong feelings create an immediate sense of exposure.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: They may not consciously understand this, and they sometimes simply experience an urge to move away or escape from the situation, even though there is no tangible threat.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: That seems to take precedence over the immediate situation.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: But the withdrawal can also be psychological.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: They can become silent, they may divert the subject, they may look to find a quick solution to something effectively closing things down.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Or they might even say that the other person is overreacting, or they behave as though nothing significant has actually happened.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: The purpose of the withdrawal isn't necessarily to punish the other person, although that's not necessarily how they experience it.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: It certainly can feel punitive.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: And this pattern isn't confined to the family environment and it's very