Latest / The Beth B Shift / I Set a Boundary and She Respected It
Transcript
- I Set a Boundary and She Respected It: just talking about relationship stuff and we shared about we talked about divorce and what it looks like, how it feels and you know, what you feel like when you first experience s experience that kind of relationship or that is the result of relationship. And then we mentioned how Boundaries are important. So then I introduced her to the Beth B shifts and told her about my last episode. And I was explaining to her, you know, about boundaries and how important they are. And she agreed. And I wanted to touch on that again today because I wanted to be clear that boundaries are important, right? They're very important. And when you set these boundaries, you have to stick by them. You really do. It's very important. Welcome back, guys, to the Beth B Shift where the vibe is unmuted, unafraid, and unapologetic. I'm Beth. And again, we're gonna just touch on boundaries just a little bit because I think it's really important for us to understand what boundaries are, right? And the purpose of them. Boundaries are not to control another person. Boundaries are to kind of protect you. Well, not kind of, but to actually protect you. That's what boundaries are. And a good example about for for boundaries is You know, I have this thing about being called the B word. Yeah, I have this thing about being even if it's a joke, you know, sometimes the B word is used as a term of endearment. Sometimes people, you know, I have a friend who love her to death, like love her to pieces. And that's her thing. She tells a joke. Where she has important news, something exciting is going on, and that's the first thing. And I'm like, Yeah. Now h here's the thing with that, right? It may be a term of endearment and it may be something that people can deal with it just might be. And I don't know if it's a trigger for me. It could be. I don't I don't know if it's actually a trigger. I've never examined it or, you know, did the homework to determine why I hate the word so much or why I despise it. But I do feel like, you know, my name is important. And we work so hard all the time to be our authentic selves. We work very hard to be Who we're born to be or who we who we are. My mom named me, that's my name. I don't really deal with nicknames, but that's a different story. But the B word is heavy for me. I think it's disrespectful. I think women, right? We are a lot of things. We are mothers, we are daughters, we are sisters, we are friends. We're companions in some spaces. Some of us have other titles that make us that have attached or become a part of our identities. But Bih ain't one of them. And I just can't relate to the word. Now, outside of boundary, right? My boundary is I won't tolerate. Being called one in any circumstance. I just won't. I just I I won't tolerate it. And here's where love and respect comes in when there is a boundary put in place, right? Because the boundary, I'm telling her, this is what I feel, this is what I will not tolerate. And it the conversation could have gone left. The conversation could have been her responding and saying to me, this is the way I talk. you I I don't want to, you know, if you can't deal with it, then well. That could have been the response. It very well could have been what she said in response to me saying, I'm not going to tolerate that behavior. But it didn't go that way. It didn't go that way at all. She actually loved and respects me enough to say, I get it. I understand. If you hate the word that much, I won't call you that. And even when she slips, even when she slips, she says, you know, my bad. And that's really important because that's where mutual love and understanding, that's where consideration and compassion comes in in a situation where I've set my boundary, right? And she's not offended by it. She's not offended by the fact that I don't I just won't tolerate the word. It's something that I just can't deal with. She's okay with that. She's actually okay with that. And that's what makes our friendship stronger because this is a space. Where I'm telling her I could easily be offended by that word. And even though it's being used as as a term of endearment, and she's funny as hell. So when she says it, you know, I sometimes when it slips, I'm like, yeah, it's okay. But I can't, I have to double down on my boundary. I have to double down on what it is I feel. And I'm grateful that she respects it. And that's what boundary should be. When you set a boundary and you tell the person, this is what I feel, this is what I will not tolerate, this is what I'm just not gonna do. I cannot deal with it. You share why you can't tolerate it. Hey guys, thank you so much for joining the live. I appreciate you guys. And I I hope you guys can relate. Once you set the boundary. It's it's yours. Now I'm not telling her that she doesn't get to say the word, but she can say it all she likes. I'm not telling her, I'm not this is not a rule. This is a standard for me for what I will not tolerate. And that's a boundary. That's the boundary that I set. I'm not telling her she cannot say that word ever, period, at all. I'm not telling her how to speak. I'm not telling her what she can and cannot do. I'm not setting any rules for her. I'm setting a standard for myself. I'm setting a boundary for myself. I'm sharing what I will not tolerate. And the neutral respect is she gets it. And that I appreciate. I appreciate that about her. And when you set a boundary, that's what it should look like. People should automatically respect the fact that you refuse to tolerate something. They shouldn't double down by telling you, well, it is what it is. You should. That's not what it should be. And in any circumstance where you don't want to tolerate the behavior or the actions of someone who is being negative. Or doing something that you dislike, don't like, you put that best, you put that word, you put that word out, and you set you set the boundary. But the boundary is based on what you don't want to feel. It's based on what you don't want to tolerate. I don't want to tolerate being called the B word. It's not something that I find appealing at all. I've worked too hard to be who I am. I've worked too hard to protect my name. I've worked too hard to be the authentic version of myself. When I'm in a space where I'm doing something that someone else doesn't appreciate, I try to compromise in that space so that they feel equally comfortable and we can have a mutual understanding, a mutual relationship where we're respecting one another in our own spaces based on what it is that we will and will not tolerate. Has there ever been a time you needed to set a boundary? Has there ever been a time you you set a boundary and a person you told you refused to accept a part of their behavior or something that they didn't find weird or intolerable or disrespectful and you had to like double down on it? Has there ever been a time where you had to do that? Because if there is and you set the boundary? You know, another person's Thoughts about your decision shouldn't change your perspective. And I'm grateful that my friend loves me enough to understand that the word just doesn't sit well with me. I'm grateful that she was able to say, Okay, friend, I understand. I'll do my best not to do it. And now she's her behavior has changed so much. And it's not because of me, it's because, you know, she respects my boundary. But we should all respect each other's boundaries. We should all respect one another's boundaries. That's very, very important, especially in a friendship. In any kind of relationship we should exp We should we should respect it. It's not fair for someone to tell us that we should accept who they are and tolerate what it is that they think is best when it's offensive to us. And I'm not saying my friend is offensive. I love her to pieces. I'll repeat that because she's probably gonna watch this and she knows exactly who I'm talking about. Love you to pieces, girl. But I respect the fact that she understands me and gets that that's just something I cannot tolerate. And when you are In a space where you are being your authentic self. No one gets to change that. No one gets to dictate who you are. No one gets to dictate your happiness or what you will or will not tolerate. Nobody gets to do that. And that's the space where we we we need to be mindful and remember that what we say matters. In any space. Whatever you what you say matters, especially when it's about you. It matters. And person you're talking to, the person you are sharing your feelings with, it should matter to them too. I'm not telling you guys to go out and start setting boundaries and then be ticked off with your friends because they they they don't comply right away or they don't get it right away. I'm I'm not saying that. But I am saying have the conversation. Have the conversation. Are you willing to have a conversation with your friend to tell them how you feel and what it is that you like versus what you don't like? Are you willing to have a conversation with a friend who is loves you, uses words that you find offensive and won't tolerate, are you willing to have that conversation to see if they'll respectfully decline and and and choose other words to communicate? It's worth having. I value my friendship with her so much. This boundary was set and she complied and I'm grateful for that. Because now I get to have my relationship and she get we have a mutual understanding. And that I love. And that's how it should be in every space that we're in. And you guys always remember awareness is not a weapon. It's a tool to help us with our inner peace. And outer peace. And these conversations that we have are in no way, shape, or form a replacement for therapy. These are lived experiences that I've that I share. Lived experiences that I have an opinion about because it's happened to me and I know what I've done and how it's helped it's been beneficial when I made the change. I hope this conversation has been helpful for some of you. And if you know someone who can benefit from this conversation, maybe it's not you. Like, share. And you can even subscribe. And if you have a comment about something that I did share today, leave that in the comments. I'd love to hear your thoughts. I appreciate you guys. This has been the Beth B shift. And until I see you guys again, stay grounded.