Latest / Bomb Life / When Love Meets Growth with Bryan Power |298

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When Love Meets Growth with Bryan Power |298 · Bomb Life

• 0:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, that fight led her to challenge me to see a therapist, which I said fair enough.
• 0:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll do.
• 0:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I also challenge you to see a therapist because in my mind, she was the one with all the issues, right?
• 0:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: And in her mind, I was the one with all the issues.
• 0:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so that's the first thing I learned is that, you know, we have to take ownership of our own issues and typically speaking, we both have some issues.
• 0:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: know nobody's perfect per se and so we have to look at ourselves how are we showing up in this relationship that could be causing some problems and usually again it is both sides but I have to take ownership of my side first and so that's the first thing I learned is you know be willing to take a look yourself and see where you're going wrong and see if you can make a difference.
• 0:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to the Bond Life Podcast where fitness, vines, and real talk collide.
• 0:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is it just about workouts.
• 0:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's about transforming your body, mind, and life.
• 0:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: Get ready for unfiltered conversations, expert advice, and the motivation you need to level up in every way.
• 1:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hey everyone, welcome to the Bomb Life podcast.
• 1:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: I am Melissa Vogel, your host, welcome to the show.
• 1:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is going to be a good episode.
• 1:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's really, really good.
• 1:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're diving into relationships and attachment styles and pain and learning and growth.
• 1:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's a real good conversation with brain power.
• 1:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: And...
• 1:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: he's here to share his story, his journey, and his insight of everything that he's gone through.
• 1:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I think it's going to be good.
• 1:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think it's a bit unsightful for you guys.
• 1:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm always looking for episodes and topics that like connect with my listeners.
• 1:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I know like does everyone looking for episodes and connect with their listeners.
• 1:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: But like really connect.
• 1:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like some of you have written into the show and you have talked about really tough relationships, stuff, things that you're stuck.
• 1:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: where you're stuck with your health and your fitness, where you're stuck with starting over narcissistic, domestic violence.
• 2:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like, ever since I have opened up about a lot of things, you guys have too, and I love it.
• 2:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's meant the world to me, and I'm here to help.
• 2:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's why I wanted to do today's episode with Brian, who's been through a lot, and he is brave enough and willing to share his story on the,
• 2:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: the podcast with us and just have a good conversation around it all, you know, because I know so many of you can relate.
• 2:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: I know so many of you either are there now or have adult children in this in in bad situation.
• 2:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: You've been there.
• 2:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're on your healing journey.
• 2:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're figuring out how to get out.
• 2:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I say this in that episode too, but I really wanted it just kind of reiterate that your relationship and the people that you surround yourself with directly impact your health and fitness journey.
• 2:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like, I can't tell you how many clients that I have, that are coaching, yes, it's about food and working out.
• 2:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: And, you know, reps and sets and form a technique and water and hydration and macros.
• 2:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, all of that is like super important.
• 3:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: However, so much of our coaching calls revolve around their relationships.
• 3:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: Are they happy?
• 3:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Are they healthy?
• 3:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: What?
• 3:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Honestly, what's their sex life life?
• 3:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: What's their energy life for that?
• 3:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: Do they have drive in libido?
• 3:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: Are they constantly fighting?
• 3:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: Are they holding resentment?
• 3:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because when you have those issues going on and resentment is building towards your significant other or someone close to in your life, that affects yourself worth and yourself love.
• 3:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if you're struggling with that with them, like no wonder people go, nah, I'm not going to make it to the gym today or I'm not going to do for more.
• 3:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because deep down subconsciously, you don't feel and see your worth.
• 3:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if you don't feel and see your worth, it will impact how you show up and how you choose you.
• 3:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: And the foods that you choose.
• 3:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: And alcohol that you drink, or don't drink.
• 3:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like it's so closely related.
• 3:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to say it's impossible, but it's very difficult to really improve your life and get the body that you want.
• 3:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Build the muscle and the energy and balance your hormones if your relationship is shit.
• 4:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it's in the dumps.
• 4:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm again, not saying it's impossible because I know there's a lot of people in here probably listening going on.
• 4:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's not true.
• 4:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: I lost 30 pounds and my relationship is a, you know, disaster.
• 4:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I did it for me.
• 4:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm divorcing him now or I did it and he is still 50 pounds overweight, but I changed me great.
• 4:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love it again.
• 4:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's not impossible.
• 4:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: However, it is tough.
• 4:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm up to my eyeballs with clients and this stuff every day every day.
• 4:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm doing coaching calls for my clients and the relationship and the conversation and the communication.
• 4:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: It is a daily topic that we're tackling and that we're addressing to help them move forward in their health and fitness.
• 4:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: So this is why I have conversations like this with people like Brian.
• 4:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is why we tackle these topics.
• 4:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: I want to constantly be in your ear about all the things.
• 4:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: and feeling great in moving all that.
• 4:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: But then also being in your ear about your relationship and how to change.
• 4:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Are you listening to defend yourself?
• 4:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or are you listening to hear what is your attachment style?
• 5:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: What childhood issues in trauma do you have that is still coming up?
• 5:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: And maybe you heard me talk about that, you know, 10 episodes ago.
• 5:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then you've really thought about it since.
• 5:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: And now I'm bringing it up again.
• 5:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm in your ear and I'm helping you.
• 5:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: So that's why we have these conversations, Brian and his wife, you know, they would have gone from having like, you know, pretty good relationship to a complete relationship failure, and that cultivated with all restraining order his wife would put against him for emotional safety.
• 5:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, crazy, right.
• 5:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: And during their time apart, Brian and his wife would work on themselves, and that work would ultimately allow them to put their relationship back together.
• 5:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: And now Brian shares this inspirational story and teaches others how to use the integrated attachment theory program that helps safe his marriage and provides necessary tools to continue having a healthy, happy relationship today.
• 5:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it's another great story.
• 5:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just kind of insight on this,
• 5:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: something new and prove your healing journey.
• 5:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love it.
• 5:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love all of it.
• 5:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, like, thanks for listening, guys.
• 6:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't even say that in my beginning.
• 6:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you're brand new, welcome.
• 6:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: And a good returning listener.
• 6:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: Welcome back.
• 6:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't even get to say my cheesy little welcomes there.
• 6:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if you're looking to, like, really make some changes.
• 6:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: And in this speaks to you, and you've probably been listening to me for a while and you're like, kind of, really should do one on one coaching.
• 6:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Click the link in the bio or in the show notes or in my bio.
• 6:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you go to my
• 6:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: book a discovery call with me.
• 6:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's get on the phone or Zoom or whatever you want to do.
• 6:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: And let's see, like, what are you working towards?
• 6:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: What are you after?
• 6:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: How can I help you go after it?
• 6:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: How can I help you achieve that?
• 6:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: And not put you off anymore.
• 6:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: And let's tackle it.
• 6:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: All right, everyone.
• 6:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: Enjoy the show.
• 6:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hey everyone, welcome to the bomb life podcast today.
• 6:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: We have Brian powers on or Brian power.
• 6:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: Not powers.
• 6:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Brian power.
• 6:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's right.
• 6:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Brian with a lie and power with no ass.
• 7:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: No ass.
• 7:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: No ass.
• 7:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: Brian power.
• 7:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: Mr. power.
• 7:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm so excited to have you on because we get to dive into honestly.
• 7:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is one of my favorite topics to cover relationships.
• 7:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, like I love it because I don't think people realize too.
• 7:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: How much your relationship is directly impacting influences affects your health and fitness journey.
• 7:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, 100% if you're in an environment that doesn't support you love you like if you're constantly fighting if there is tension if that flow isn't there.
• 7:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: I can't tell you, Brian, how many times I have seen that whole specifically women hold them back from moving forward because they're afraid to change.
• 7:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Will my husband still loves me if I move forward and he doesn't move forward, then they carry that guilt on that shame and they get better and then there's tension at home, you know, why are you on to the gym?
• 7:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Who you go under the gym for and it just, there's so much connection between your environment, your relationship and you succeeding in failing your goals, whether or not you're going to do
• 8:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: all the way or if you're going to set back and like get stuck back in the cycle of getting like starting and stopping.
• 8:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, no, I love it.
• 8:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: 100% is something that I definitely learned through all this is how this subconscious plays out, how our relationships are so affecting everything our life, the way our bodies hold on to tension and I really changes everything.
• 8:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I hope that we can help people not only have great relationships today, but also motivate them and get them going in the right direction to get their bodies to shape
• 8:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know what it's like to be out there trying to hustle and get you know people in shape physically and now I'm trying to get people in shape mentally as well so trying to really kind of do that one-two combo.
• 8:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: So excited to be here with you today, Melissa.
• 8:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love that because it's so important like if you just do the physical journey like you are going to hit roadblock after roadblock after roadblock you have to do the mental transformation with the physical at the same time and Brian it's crazy how many trainers and instructors and coaches out there aren't doing this.
• 8:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 8:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, I used to always say you have to get your mind right first and then the body will follow.
• 9:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 9:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: So get your mind right first and then the body will really follow and you get to that point where you just want to naturally get in shape and feel a bit about getting in shape and being excited about it, start seeing the results, that gets exciting.
• 9:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it all just works synergistic, you know.
• 9:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, sure.
• 9:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: I do believe it starts with the mind.
• 9:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: It does.
• 9:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I think a lot of, I think I said this on last week's episode with Wendy, but like a lot of, you don't hear a lot of coaches talking about it in trainers because they haven't had the quote, I'm using air quotes fail year in their relationship or their lives and then rebuilt and learning grew from it.
• 9:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like so many of them are probably like still stuck in that area.
• 9:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: They haven't done the growth to be able to help their clients grow in change.
• 9:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so a lot of guys just come out.
• 9:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: They got the knowledge as far as how to train a guy, maybe in the gym and certain modalities in this and that.
• 9:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: But again, the day being a really great trainer is not just knowing the dynamics of the weights and everything else.
• 9:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: You really have to connect with your clients.
• 9:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: You really have to know how to connect with them and really kind of motivate them in a way that works for them and really just have that relationship.
• 10:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: I always found that you know what I was in that business.
• 10:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, it was all about the relationship with my clients, not just, you know, hey, come in and do this, do that with this, do that.
• 10:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because a lot of times, if it's that way, it ends pretty quick.
• 10:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Those clients typically sometimes they just stick around long enough.
• 10:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: But once you build a relationship with your coach, you trust them.
• 10:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: You see that they're on their pace.
• 10:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: They love you.
• 10:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: They care about you.
• 10:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: And they want you to get those results for you.
• 10:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Not, you know, now you're excited to be that, you know, working with that close and not, it just makes it a better experience for everybody for sure or so.
• 10:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Right.
• 10:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, and in your coach, you're in an integrated attachment theory coach.
• 10:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: So you can probably relate that in the same field of like you've been through some shit, like you know, you can relate.
• 10:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: And now you can help others and coach them through it.
• 10:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: So they have the best relationship ever.
• 10:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like, yeah, as of your past.
• 10:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I know absolutely.
• 10:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: I went through crazy experience in 2024, learned a lot of things about relationships and how they actually work.
• 10:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: And before that, I really struggled with my entire adult life, you know, trying to figure that part out because I came from a very, you know, dysfunctional childhood, if you will.
• 10:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: And those wounds were carrying it to my adult life and different relationships.
• 11:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, even though on the outside, sometimes I was able to kind of, the gym that was always something for me was to to keep my body in shape, some for me, which just came naturally.
• 11:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I think for me inside the brain wasn't as as shape as it should have been so the outside I looked pretty good, but inside I was kind of dealing with a lot of issues there that really kind of de-short my life if you will in a certain way, not this way that I have to say that, but you made it more difficult, made it more challenging than it should have been because of the wounds that I was carrying into my adult life.
• 11:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I learned a lot in 2024 and I changed a lot of things and now I'm having a really great relationship with my wife today, one that I never dreamed could be of this good, so it's pretty exciting.
• 11:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's awesome.
• 11:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, people don't realize like how much this comes up in my coaching all the time, how much like the younger version of you, how much inner child healing, plays a role in it too, and how important that is to face that stuff.
• 11:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so many people are like, well, what's the point?
• 11:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: What's the point of dredging that up?
• 11:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then making me feel bad again, like I have moved on, and they don't see how it's still coming up in the younger version of them, like gets into the driver's seat of their car or their bus, and is like in control.
• 12:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then because of that,
• 12:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: really triggering them inside to make them stay and feel an act a certain way.
• 12:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm curious about your past like what was it that you can identify now about your childhood that was not addressed that was completely impacting like your life.
• 12:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 12:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I came to film a lot, yeah, my mom was 21 years old in 1969 with two boys, you know, and my father-in-law addiction.
• 12:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so they were divorced pretty much when I was born.
• 12:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, and then my mom moved around a lot when we were young, so the first 10 years of my life was really filled with a lot of chaos, a lot of turmoil, and that really very little stability.
• 12:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that would really shape a lot of my own thoughts, behaviors, a lot of fears that came in my life.
• 12:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sure, I'm a really big fear of abandonment.
• 12:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that,
• 12:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I learned that for my father, my father would come in and add to my childhood a lot right and so he would be in my life a little bit and then he'd be gone for a while and then he'd be back and that ultimately really shaped a big fear of abandonment for me and so I was taking these wounds into my adult life and two relationships and subconsciously.
• 12:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: you know, behaving in ways that I didn't realize I was doing until again, really 2024 when it became a lot more aware that I knew there were issues, but I didn't know really had to fix them.
• 13:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't really understand them completely, but I think, you know, last year, really became more clear what those were and then really began a program that I think began to heal that and actually move the needle because you can say you're healed.
• 13:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can say you moved on from it, but the truth is if you haven't done the work to heal these subconscious, you are still carrying that baggage and you are acting out in ways that you don't even realize you're doing.
• 13:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: that are causing you to fail in different areas of your life, one of them can absolutely be your relationships.
• 13:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, did you find yourself growing up at like as a child showing symptoms of ADD or ADHD?
• 13:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, probably.
• 13:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: But thank you my day.
• 13:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: We didn't have those.
• 13:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right.
• 13:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we didn't have those terms.
• 13:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right.
• 13:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, as a child, you know, you just, yeah, I did always hard to find focus and sometimes you know, not regard.
• 13:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, yeah, for sure.
• 13:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm learning so much more now about like how much kids, well now we can see and that's labels just thrown out everywhere all the time, but a kid that is truly ADHD and is like anxious if you look back there is definitely some trauma and anxiety in their childhood and like it's crazy how we can link the two now instead of like oh this child is just naughty and they're hyperactive it's like no what's going on that was creating that ADHD then so I was
• 14:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: just curious if you could like identify that now is an adult of like, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
• 14:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was like what link did up.
• 14:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, there was a lot of trauma in my life.
• 14:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so yeah, no doubt.
• 14:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think there's a absolute factor in that the home, the safety there, you know, the environment that's being created can absolutely make a huge difference.
• 14:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: And
• 14:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, kids just get it to that point where they just, they're looking for, they get bored, right?
• 14:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it gets bored, they lose focus.
• 14:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: If their coaches are all over the place and they don't have to control those things, it can be very tumultuous and very hard for a child to understand kind of handle that.
• 14:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: How to handle that is so they definitely drift off into different worlds and they lose focus and they don't really understand how to kind of prioritize and really kind of relax emotionally and everything else.
• 14:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: So because of disaster for sure, I think that's a big part of it.
• 15:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 15:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then we like slap a label on it.
• 15:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 15:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: Give it medication instead of looking at the environment and the relationships and yeah.
• 15:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like honestly, as parents, like taking a look at like what did I do to make my child feel or the, you know, their other parent wouldn't we do to make our child feel.
• 15:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Honestly abandoned, you know, or not like securely attached or have the confidence in themselves, you know, we don't realize how much our own self confidence in our own self-worth is what teaches that child to have that self confidence in self-worth.
• 15:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: We carry a lot of wounds into our parenting style, right?
• 15:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so if we haven't healed those wounds from our own lives in our own childhood, we pass those on to the next generation.
• 15:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that is really the work that my wife and I really do today.
• 15:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: We are main goal, honestly, in all our healing processes, you really not pass our trauma onto our kids because they don't deserve that.
• 15:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, they deserve better than that.
• 15:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's not fair.
• 15:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: you know, for them to have to carry that because we didn't do the work necessary to kind of you know, move the needle if you will, and not just not saying we have to be perfect.
• 16:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: We know we're not, you know, we're certainly not, but we do, we really make a great effort to, you know, to do this work so we can, you know, just have better kids and kids are repealed and growing and feel safe and comfortable and know how to share their feelings, know how to be strong, know how to be confident, all these other things that sometimes maybe we didn't get growing up.
• 16:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: So that's our
• 16:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love it.
• 16:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like, okay, now I'm like super curious.
• 16:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: What happened?
• 16:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: What did you start?
• 16:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because nothing just happened overnight, right?
• 16:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like nothing is just like, oh my god, I woke up, but I don't know how or why we got here.
• 16:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're had to have been like things happening in your relationship in your marriage that led up to 2024 because you had said that it got so bad your wife had to get a restraining order against you, not physical or anything like that, but like emotional
• 16:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: What first, what led up to that?
• 16:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: What did you see happening in your relationship?
• 16:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because I'm sure a lot of my listeners are going like, yeah, what were the red flags that were happening for you or for her?
• 17:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's easier to look back now and see some of those red flags and some of those things that, you know, we just kind of didn't understand how to work through properly and, you know, continue to repeat themselves.
• 17:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we, and that's what happens if you don't really fix it.
• 17:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: A lot of these fights, a lot of these disagreements, a lot of these arguments, a few way they just repeat because nobody's being heard, solutions aren't being met and found.
• 17:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so you just continue to find yourself in these little struggles now.
• 17:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: We didn't have any major struggles.
• 17:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: We didn't have any that, you know, there wasn't an infidelity that was no addiction.
• 17:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: There wasn't no financial issues per se.
• 17:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: We had a lot of differences in our thoughts and some of our lives and certainly when my child, my son was born in 2019.
• 17:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Parenting is definitely a thing that will trigger a lot of your emotions.
• 17:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: You'll see the different parenting styles and that will challenge you.
• 17:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so really, I think for the most part of my son was born, that became a definite challenge where a lot of our little fights began, you know, because of our difference in parenting styles.
• 17:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's a very good idea.
• 17:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Are you a hedge child together?
• 17:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Or yeah, so it's my before 10 old step daughter from her marriage, but this was my first shot.
• 17:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was an old dad.
• 17:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was 50 years old when my son was born.
• 18:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 18:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yep.
• 18:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so my son is now five and a half greatest thing that would happen to me, but certainly, you know, has changed my life and in challenge me to be a better man.
• 18:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: And honestly, one of the main reasons that I've actually been able to do this work and wanted to do this work and actually work through that because again, I have a goal of not passing this trauma onto my son and so.
• 18:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: that was revealed to me through the experience in 2024.
• 18:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, where my wife would go, yeah, we went from what I thought was a pretty good relationship to having this, we had a fight about my son actually won that.
• 18:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: And she actually challenged me to see it therapist and, you know, because again, all these little fights.
• 18:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I'll see if I said, you know, you should see it therapist.
• 18:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: So that's a fair enough, you know what?
• 18:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks.
• 18:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Why?
• 18:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to know.
• 18:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: What was the fight about?
• 18:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was just about.
• 18:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Again, I don't even know it was a parenting thing.
• 18:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was about my son.
• 18:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: My son was behaving in certain ways.
• 18:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: She was kind of frustrated.
• 18:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so she just wanted to bring to my attention in the past though when she would bring that to me.
• 18:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would always listen to defend myself.
• 18:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was a really never paying attention to hear her out and understand her, right?
• 18:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: So the old knee would always say, okay, I'm listening to defend myself.
• 18:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Tell her why she's wrong.
• 18:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: All this other stuff.
• 18:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, that fight led her to challenge me to see it therapist, which I said fair enough, I'll do, but I also challenge you to see it therapist because in my mind, she was the one with all the issues, right?
• 19:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: And in her mind, I was the one with all the issues.
• 19:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so that's the first thing I learned is that, you know, we have to take ownership of our own issues and typically speaking, we both have some issues, you know, nobody's perfect per se.
• 19:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so we have to look at ourselves, how are we showing up in this relationship that could be causing some problems?
• 19:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: And usually again, it is both sides, but I have to take ownership of my
• 19:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so that's the first thing I learned is, you know, be willing to take a look yourself and see where you're going wrong and see if you can make a difference.
• 19:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Through that, we started having, you know, a lot of emotional turmoil between us because even though that therapy was kind of good for us, it was bringing up a lot of childhood trauma and a lot of the emotion that we're coming out.
• 19:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm really kind of added fuel to the fire.
• 19:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: We were already kind of in any emotional turmoil that therapy actually seen the almost make it worse in a sense because, oh yeah, I'm freaking out so much.
• 19:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: So after about four months of this,
• 19:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: chaos and in this absolute emotional turmoil, we kind of hit a head where she would put a restraining order against me for emotional safety.
• 19:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: She was just we were just both emotionally exhausted.
• 20:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: She finally had enough in that regard and put that restraining order against me.
• 20:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Which really gave us the space necessary.
• 20:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: That first, you know, I was like, this is over.
• 20:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, I'm done.
• 20:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: I can't fix this.
• 20:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't understand what was going on.
• 20:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm giving you the short version, right?
• 20:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, but you know, as you can imagine, it was a lot of chaos and craziness in that.
• 20:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: But eventually I was like, okay, I can't fix this.
• 20:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know what's going on between us.
• 20:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's just unhealthy.
• 20:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's not good anymore.
• 20:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: My first inclination was to run back to Florida, which is where I'm from.
• 20:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have a lot of friends and family there.
• 20:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I had a friend who challenged me and said, Hey, listen, Bryce is, you know, what do you think about it?
• 20:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: He says, you know, my father abandoned me.
• 20:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your father abandoned you.
• 20:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: He says, if you abandon your son, you know, he's going to deal with a lot of the same stuff.
• 20:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're dealing with this adults.
• 20:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I said, man, you're right.
• 20:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: I can't leave my son.
• 20:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love my son too much.
• 20:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: And at that point, I knew I was stuck.
• 20:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: I had to figure this out.
• 20:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it didn't matter if I slipped on the street.
• 20:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't care.
• 20:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to say it's close to my son as possible.
• 20:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: And at that time, I really had nowhere to go.
• 20:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: I
• 20:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't know what I was going to do, but I couldn't go home because of the restraining order.
• 20:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, yeah, I didn't go back to my house because of the restraining.
• 20:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I had no really place to live.
• 21:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I was actually, I found a place online.
• 21:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: I literally stayed with the stranger for the first week.
• 21:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I realized quickly that, you know, that was
• 21:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: wasn't going to work out.
• 21:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, I was like, all right, you know, the place to lay my hand, but that's not healthy long term.
• 21:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I got on the phone and I had to call a couple of friends.
• 21:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't know what ton of people here in Massachusetts, but I have the call of friend named Bob and Bob says, hey, man, yeah, I got a great two bedroom apartment.
• 21:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Come on over and stay with me.
• 21:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was like, really, he had a spare bedroom.
• 21:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: I said, great.
• 21:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Turns out it's like a mile from my house.
• 21:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I was real close to my house, even though I couldn't go home, at least I knew the neighborhood.
• 21:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was in the area.
• 21:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: And Bob was dealing with a divorce as well.
• 21:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so we were able to really help each other through this situation and kind of
• 21:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Bob was really handling it in a really bad way, and I was able to kind of putting my head to the grind.
• 21:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was already kind of focused on getting better and moving forward in my life.
• 21:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I think I was there for a reason to help Bob, you know, kind of see it different way.
• 21:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's kind of see a different way of maybe doing some things.
• 21:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: And Bob helped me to just being able to have a friend there to talk to and share some of my stresses and stuff at the end of the day.
• 21:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wear really helped each other through that situation.
• 21:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah.
• 21:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: So for the next four months, four and a half months, it just was a crazy time.
• 22:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I was fortunate enough
• 22:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: to come across the integrated attachment theory program about a month before I got thrown out of the house.
• 22:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so Tyce Gibson, you know, she was doing a podcast on the Mel Robbins show.
• 22:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And she was talking about attachment theory.
• 22:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when I listened to this podcast, I was like fascinated.
• 22:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was like, oh my god, there's answers.
• 22:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like I saw my wife was over here.
• 22:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was on this side.
• 22:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I saw like, it's just seen the make a lot of sense.
• 22:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I was already really interested in learning more about this program, even though,
• 22:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: you know, it would all to me fall apart my wife.
• 22:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I'm still excited.
• 22:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to continue this work and continue to, you know, to learn this stuff because I was fascinated by the work.
• 22:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think ultimate would prove to give me some really great tools.
• 22:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: And actually allow me to come back around and have a second chance to save the relationship with my wife if you will.
• 22:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: And now we kind of use a lot of those tools to, you know, to keep having a great relationship today.
• 22:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it's kind of worked out in a, it worked out in a great way.
• 22:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: But again, not a way that I think people want to go.
• 22:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's a tough, tough thing to do and, and I'm restraining all this stuff.
• 23:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: It, I don't recommend it for anybody.
• 23:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's an awful situation, but I do believe that sometimes failure can be.
• 23:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: the very ingredient we need to kind of hit success.
• 23:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, if we hit rock bottom that we're willing to change, we're willing to do those things necessary to say, okay, how to knock, right?
• 23:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's when the doctor says, you don't work out, you're gonna have a heart attack or, you know, if you, right, that's when the guy goes, okay, I better do something, right?
• 23:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's critical stage.
• 23:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so, unfortunately, we don't want to wait to we get there, so do our best to not get there.
• 23:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if it does happen, sometimes we find ourselves at rock bottom, I just want you to know there is hope and things can change and things can turn around.
• 23:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Pretty quickly, if you just do the work and yeah,
• 23:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 23:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think we have a lot of listeners, you know, that are pretty at a very low rock bottom right now in their relationship and, you know, that's one thing that people won't change on Some do.
• 23:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: I can't say all but most people won't change until that change in the pain and the thought of changing is
• 23:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: less painful than what they're going through now, like it's got to be bad, and I don't mean to like go back and stuff, but I personally not recently, but it was, you know, a little while ago, had to deal with getting a restraining order.
• 24:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when you say that she got a restraining order against you, like, I know how hard it is sometimes to get one, and then they can, like, uh, what's the word protest or reject or, you know, the person that you're getting restraining her against can, like, be like, no,
• 24:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then you have to go to trial and that costs money and lawyers and there's a lot to it So I'm curious like it's hard to get a restraining order like what was and I don't ask this to like prior be like tell me detail I want details, but like what were you doing?
• 24:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: that was so bad that made her feel like I need the law to step in to protect me and keep boundaries.
• 24:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I think this is important.
• 24:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: Again, I'm asking this.
• 24:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think this is important because I think the listeners are either going either be the person that you were.
• 24:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: And they were like, I think someone can listen to go, oh my god, that's me.
• 24:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm doing that to my partner.
• 25:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have before or they're going to be the person going, holy shit, that's happening me right now.
• 25:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I feel like I'm going crazy, or continuously being like, gasoline, you know, so I'm curious, like, what happened to push it at that point?
• 25:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I mean, like, we're grass, but no, no, absolutely.
• 25:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm happy to share the story because I know that other people deal with this stuff, right?
• 25:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's just a unique, you know, my situation was mine, but I know so many people deal with this type of stuff.
• 25:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we don't understand.
• 25:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: We get locked into this.
• 25:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: What's happening?
• 25:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: How do we fix this?
• 25:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: How do we get through that?
• 25:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes we just don't know until you have a restraining order.
• 25:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's that's like a last type of resort, right?
• 25:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, unfortunately, that's where it goes to.
• 25:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, I mean, so when things started to go south a little bit, my wife started to pull away.
• 25:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: She needed a lot of space.
• 25:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: She was looking for clarity, trying to figure a life out.
• 25:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: It felt like she was going through a midlife crisis.
• 25:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's kind of what I was thinking you felt she was going through a mental
• 25:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right, yeah, she was seeing the therapist and everything was kind of coming out and like, oh, she's going through like a midlife crisis thing and the more she wanted space the more it sparked my fear of abandonment and so because yeah, I was coming up my abandonment was coming up now I tried to save the relationship I tried to save my family.
• 26:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was trying to keep it all together, you know, and I met well right in my heart like of course keeping my family together.
• 26:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's like important, right, but I was
• 26:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: So desperate to keep it together that it was now affecting her ability to kind of get some clarity, get some space that she needed.
• 26:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I couldn't give her that space as much.
• 26:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so that's where this emotional clash really kept happening.
• 26:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: So if I looking back how I know what was going on and I was able to cast my breath more.
• 26:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would have been able to say, hey, yeah, I want, yeah, take that space.
• 26:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, go ahead.
• 26:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I need to take that time.
• 26:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: That doesn't really more ending.
• 26:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, here's the thing.
• 26:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: I knew that consciously.
• 26:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 26:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: So consciously.
• 26:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm a confident guy.
• 26:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think I'm confident.
• 26:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 26:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know who I am.
• 26:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, you know, but subconsciously my wounds were playing out at this point because I always say we're always confident until the shit hits the fan, right?
• 26:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Everybody's confident till things really start going south.
• 26:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 26:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then you're like, what's going on?
• 26:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: So that's really what started to play out.
• 26:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was so confusing.
• 26:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was very emotional.
• 26:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it just started the spiral out of control.
• 27:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it just got to that point where we couldn't figure this out.
• 27:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: And she thinks happened that she thought I did her said that didn't really happen.
• 27:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: That I thought her said her did.
• 27:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: We would learn that later.
• 27:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: But you know, leaning up to that as the communication really started to break down, she started thinking that I was doing certain things that I really wasn't.
• 27:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that really made it even worse.
• 27:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then so when she went in there for the restraining order, my lawyer and I, we just decided, you know, let's give it the restraining.
• 27:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, and so we just say let's just move on.
• 27:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, probably the healthiest thing at that point.
• 27:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 27:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I was just trying to look I was just willing to let it go I was like okay, let's let this go I don't want to fight this.
• 27:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: I just want to fight for my life I want to fight to move forward and get past this stuff and so we kind of gave it the You know, let's go ahead and let her have it we didn't fight it so they put that on pretty easily so How long was it for so when they put it on here in Massachusetts it's for a year and then they can renew that so yeah
• 27:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Wow.
• 27:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 27:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: So initially it's like an 11 day.
• 27:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's an 11 day one.
• 27:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you go to court and you want to extend it then you can go to court, which is what she did and what she did that I said, well, let's just give it to her.
• 28:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, let's just forget it.
• 28:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's move on and let's give her that and move forward.
• 28:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: So that's what we did and and that was probably a great move to is just and I just allowed me to kind of again, I really started to do to do the work to let this go to move on.
• 28:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't trying to
• 28:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: save my relationship anymore.
• 28:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was really just trying to get myself in a good position, get my mind on straight, get myself together, and put myself in a good position in life against that it could raise my son and be a decent father to him.
• 28:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: That was my focus.
• 28:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: But that time away, actually, both of us were doing a lot of work.
• 28:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: She would continue to see a childhood trauma specialist that really kind of helped her through a lot of for her own childhood trauma wounds and a lot of the awareness that she got through our time away.
• 28:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Also, we would prove to be valuable.
• 28:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: We learn so much through that time.
• 28:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: A lot of times, people talk about no contact when you break up, going no contact.
• 28:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I'm not talking to my spiritual law.
• 28:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think if it's done properly, that can be the greatest tool to help
• 28:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: actually save a relationship or certainly at least get some healing and get some distance so you can you know get yourself in a pretty good emotional spot and then we get to that point where it's okay even if that spouse does leave us like that's what happened to me I got to that point where I was okay if it was never going to come back around I finally was like okay with that I was happy for her
• 29:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: I said to myself, you know, I always used to say this before, I was like, I'd rather her be happy with somebody else than to be miserable with me.
• 29:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And now I had to prove that.
• 29:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: I had to say to myself, okay, if she really is happy with somebody else, can you truly be happy for her?
• 29:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I finally was able to get to the point and say, yeah, you know what?
• 29:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I can be, you know, God bless her, I wish her well, I know I'm going to be okay, I know my life's going to be okay.
• 29:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I just want the best for her.
• 29:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hope she's happy, said we can be good parents to my son and as
• 29:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: fake would have it.
• 29:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: She loved me.
• 29:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: She wasn't looking to yamu law.
• 29:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: She never wanted to put the restraining order against me.
• 29:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: She got a lot of clarity through that time apart.
• 29:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Where she realized that a lot of the things she thought was wrong with me was her own issues, right?
• 29:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I became her mirror.
• 29:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: She would tell me like you were my mirror.
• 29:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Everything I thought was wrong with you was actually my own stuff.
• 29:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: And advice verse, a lot of the same things where I thought, you know, we're here issues, we're my issues.
• 29:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I think that's something that we need to look at it when you're struggling in those relationships.
• 29:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is it you?
• 29:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, is it possible that it's you?
• 29:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because the chances are, again, I do feel it's usually both parties.
• 30:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's usually, you know, both parties are showing up incorrectly.
• 30:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so how do we fix that?
• 30:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, take ownership of yourself.
• 30:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then, you know, we can't force our partners to do the work.
• 30:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if we do the work ourselves, anything can happen.
• 30:12
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• 31:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Back to the show!
• 31:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: talking about that time and a way that you got with a restraining order like giving that space.
• 31:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't think people realize how important and okay it is.
• 32:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's okay to say I need a minute.
• 32:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: I need space.
• 32:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: Not, I'm on a breakup like Rachel and Ross.
• 32:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like, we were on a break, not that, but space.
• 32:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And just time to think and have clarity and hopefully can do it for your daughter or is there any order, but it gives you that time to just be like, okay, what are my thoughts?
• 32:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: How do I feel about this?
• 32:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: What am I okay with?
• 32:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: What am I not okay with?
• 32:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because sometimes our partner, if they're just constantly pouring into us and we're around their energy, we can't get clarity.
• 32:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: we can't get that clarity at all, you know, and you had something important to about like you were okay if she left.
• 32:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you, you know, if you weren't together, you got to a point where you're okay.
• 32:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if, you know, you could be happy for her to be happy with someone else, you know, and that that really is important because I think we need to realize that our self-love and our self-worth
• 32:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: has to come from us first, not because that we're with someone.
• 32:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sure.
• 32:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, and yes, it was your heart break and be hurt if you weren't with your person.
• 33:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sure.
• 33:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: But like ultimately, would you be okay and be able to work through that pain?
• 33:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: And there's so many people that are like, no, they have lost themselves in their relationship and Brian that answers, no, like they would not be okay.
• 33:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: And there is a point in my life where like, I wasn't okay being alone.
• 33:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: like I would not have been okay at all and I'd be miserable and I'm okay now where I'm like in a relationship out of a relationship.
• 33:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: my life is still going to go on.
• 33:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, I have feelings and emotions around it, for sure, but like, I'm still going to be okay with who I am and holy God that take work.
• 33:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and that's, it takes a lot of work.
• 33:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: And thanks.
• 33:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: But wait, so you just nailed it, though, because it's those wounds that are subconsciously driving us into that we have to have this relationship, because of that wound, like for me, was that fear of abandonment, fear of being alone for those in my life, fear of being unloved, you know, fear of not being good enough.
• 33:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 33:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: feeling unsafe.
• 33:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: All these little subconscious wounds are now coming to the front.
• 34:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: And now your anxiety is through the roof.
• 34:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: And until you really get a hold of that and, you know, retrain that a little bit and accept and figure that out and be able to kind of get your subconscious brain working in an optimal way so that you're not having those subconscious, you know, wounds play out.
• 34:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: That makes a huge difference because what I love Ty is getting, and it's hit me hard.
• 34:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: She said that 95 to 97% of our decisions in life are made by the subconscious.
• 34:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: and that the conscious cannot outwill or overcome the subconscious.
• 34:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: So just because consciously I say one thing, the subconscious is always going to try to get its needs met, regardless of what I'm consciously trying to think of.
• 34:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: And one way think of this in terms of exercise, let's say.
• 34:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's just say I put my mind to and I say, I want to work out, I want to get in great shape.
• 34:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, and I've got motivated and then a week later, my subconscious is telling me, you just want some comfort.
• 34:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know what you really need.
• 34:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: You need some connection with your friends.
• 34:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: So now on Thursday instead of hitting the gym with my trainer, I'm at the bar having a nice beer with a buddy or two and we're having a good time because my subconscious is hitting you there.
• 35:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it seems like we're, you know, a lot of times we talk about sabotage itself sabotage.
• 35:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: But the truth is we're not really sabotaging it's that subconscious thoughts that are actually driving that train for us to do something differently than we consciously want to do.
• 35:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I felt that through that sectarian experience of my wife.
• 35:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: You did told me that before I had a set?
• 35:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: know about that, but I experienced it at a level that was like, wow, I could not stop the train wreck once the emotions were really playing out.
• 35:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: No matter how much consciously I put my mind to something, didn't matter the train wreck was going to happen.
• 35:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's where that went to.
• 35:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, yeah, for finding ourselves struggling in these things and we're, yeah, sometimes we're not finding through consciously, you know, what we consciously want to do, sometimes we're seeing the sabotage, if you will.
• 35:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, on that we ask ourselves, what is really going on subconsciously
• 35:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: I've heard it called or worded actually by my therapist before like little me and adult me so subconsciously and consciously and she's like the adult you knows you know that you are a confident strong independent woman like who can do it and got it.
• 36:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: The little me gets worried and scared and like am I good enough, you know, are they going to love me?
• 36:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: Are they going to accept me?
• 36:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like, I don't think I can do this alone.
• 36:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I doubt everything.
• 36:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's when, you know, I have to spend a lot of time with younger me and be like, no, it's good.
• 36:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: I got you.
• 36:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: I got you.
• 36:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm good enough to take over.
• 36:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: So tell me a little bit about integrated attachment theory.
• 36:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I love this.
• 36:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so absolutely.
• 36:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: So again, I, it's a great video if you ever want to, you know, YouTube, Ty's Kitchen, THAS Gibson and the Mel Robbins podcast.
• 36:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, she got
• 36:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: about an hour and 15 minutes she talks about attachment theory and that's going to give you the four different attachment styles that are out there.
• 36:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: That really was a game changer and an eye opener for me.
• 36:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: The four attachment styles are number one.
• 36:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: You have a secure attachment style.
• 36:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Those were people that emotionally balanced, really good communicators.
• 36:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: They really kind of have it down as far as your relationships go.
• 36:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's the one we all aspire to be at.
• 36:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right.
• 36:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: But unfortunately, typically find ourselves in one of the other three unhealthy versions.
• 37:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Number one, you have like an anxious preoccupied.
• 37:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's that person who has to be in a relationship.
• 37:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Relationship is super important.
• 37:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, a lot of connection, a lot of communication and relationship, the texting 10 times a day, maybe.
• 37:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I'm totally a healing anxious attachment style.
• 37:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 37:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, but a lot of you can see yourself in that.
• 37:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're like, oh, wait a second, that's me.
• 37:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I do find myself acting this way, right?
• 37:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: And again, a lot of fear of abandonment, a lot of fear of being alone.
• 37:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's awesome.
• 37:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Very clingy.
• 37:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: A lot of times can be co-dependent, you know, gets it up towards just unhealthy on the flip side that you have like a dismissive avoid it dismissive avoidance typically have a hard time connecting to the remotions at all and if they do they isolate a lot because they they just grew up that way they learned how to kind of deal with their emotions on their own emotions are bad, but when you do have emotions you deal with them on yourself and so.
• 37:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: They really don't matter to share with their partner, you know, what they're going through a lot of times.
• 37:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're just communications pretty poor.
• 37:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: They love a lot of space.
• 37:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's the thing.
• 37:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I'm somebody who's anxious and I want connection, but I'm with somebody who's really needing some space at that time, like my wife was, I was leaning anxious.
• 37:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: She was leaning dismissive.
• 38:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's why we got into this real, you know, tough thing.
• 38:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: And they attract.
• 38:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Those two attachment styles, you find people a trap because we're looking at the brain looking at the side of us that we don't have for ourselves and so we're connecting to that person who isn't that part of us if you will and so and that's why we got to do the healing because we don't want that person we want to be healed first so we can come together enough.
• 38:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: All right, healthier way.
• 38:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: But a lot of times, they do find each other, right?
• 38:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: They do find the opposites in that regard.
• 38:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: In between those two, the last one is what's called a fearful avoidant.
• 38:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Fearful avoidance will swing between both sides.
• 38:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: They will be very anxious at times, reconnected, very loving in that relationship, feeling really good.
• 38:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then sometimes maybe the following week, out of the blue, they're just causing problems or, you know, they're having a lot of trust issues, maybe even breaking up with the person, out of the blue and just
• 38:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: It becomes this chaos situation for a little.
• 38:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: They swing between sometimes anxious and dismissive, and it just becomes very challenging that regard.
• 38:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: All three styles are just learned behavior.
• 38:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Subconscious, learn behavior mostly through childhood.
• 38:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes we do pick up some of these wounds in adult life, but a lot of times they are just
• 39:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: their experience of our childhood and we learn these things and these patterns, we think are just normal behaviors, normal thoughts, but they're not, and they're not healthy and they're not good.
• 39:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's where we have to get a hold of those, fix those a little bit, and then get us to that secure side.
• 39:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's where the integrated attachment theory program comes in.
• 39:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 39:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hi, he's Gibson not only talks about the attachment theory, so it's one thing to know or attachment style, but then how do we fix it?
• 39:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so that's what I love about her work.
• 39:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: She created a six-pillar program to move us from the unhealthy attachment styles to the secure
• 39:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: And those six pillars are number one your core wounds.
• 39:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Those are those subconscious thoughts and stuff that we're having.
• 39:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like again, if you're abandonment, like a trust, if you're being unsafe, all those types of things were more meaning like they are core in you started.
• 39:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: And on in childhood,
• 39:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 39:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 39:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so, and again, a lot of times are so conscious.
• 39:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we don't think we're, you know, we don't think we're in, you know, we think we're fine, right?
• 39:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: We think on fine.
• 39:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm secure.
• 39:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: But again, when things really kind of play out, we realize, oh, so I'm consciously, I'm not secure.
• 40:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not.
• 40:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right.
• 40:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Otherwise, I do have some of these wounds.
• 40:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it's number once you core wounds, we have to fix those.
• 40:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Number two, it's your needs.
• 40:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: We have to know what our real needs are.
• 40:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: What am I, you know, what fulfills me?
• 40:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because, you know, if I'm doing things that are not fulfilling my true needs, I feel unfulfilled.
• 40:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: I feel unhappy.
• 40:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then once I know what those needs are, how do I feel?
• 40:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: those needs on my own.
• 40:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I feel pretty darn good on my own.
• 40:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: And now I'm not relying on my partner to fill those needs.
• 40:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not outsourcing my needs to somebody else because that becomes a problem.
• 40:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, three is going to be our beat.
• 40:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's going to be our emotions.
• 40:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, emotions.
• 40:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's no bad emotion per se.
• 40:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I'm angry, I just have to ask myself, what am I angry about?
• 40:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is it justified?
• 40:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Or is it maybe over the top?
• 40:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right.
• 40:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's like, if I'm angry because somebody just wrecked my car, you know, like, okay, that might be a normal anger, but if I'm angry because my wife didn't pick the cup off off the table and put it in the sink and it's really triggering me to that point where I'm just so mad about it, it might be something else that's going on.
• 40:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, what do you really mad about like correct?
• 41:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: What do you really mad about?
• 41:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so a lot of times something like that may come back to you.
• 41:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I feel disrespected, maybe I feel unloved, maybe I'm feeling like they, you know, they don't listen to me.
• 41:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: They don't care about me.
• 41:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's why they didn't pick the cup up, right?
• 41:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it's not about the cup.
• 41:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: The cup doesn't mean anything.
• 41:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's the story that we're telling.
• 41:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: So and the emotions are what trigger us to kind of, you know, act out and let's those emotions get to play out.
• 41:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's causes our behaviors.
• 41:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: So those are the first three.
• 41:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: After that, we really want to look at boundaries.
• 41:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: How do we set our boundaries?
• 41:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: How do we kind of set healthy good boundaries?
• 41:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then how do we make sure that people adhere to them a little bit?
• 41:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: We have to be able to convey those and let people know what they are.
• 41:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then see who crosses them and if somebody crosses them, how do I make sure that they know?
• 41:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey, I don't want to appreciate that.
• 41:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is something that's important to me.
• 41:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we have to figure those out our needs.
• 41:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Excuse me, our boundaries.
• 41:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Number five is huge.
• 41:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's our communication.
• 41:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: How do we actually communicate in a way that our partner can hear us and and actually begin to move the needle like I said before you know in the past my wife and I would talk and I was listening to always defend because my core wound of not being good enough
• 42:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now we don't do that.
• 42:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now we do something where, you know, I don't jump in over her.
• 42:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right?
• 42:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: If she's talking, I give her 5 or 10 minutes and I'm now listening to understand.
• 42:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I really want to know, what's on her heart?
• 42:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: What's on her mind?
• 42:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: What is she trying to convey to me?
• 42:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then I get 5 or 10 minutes to talk.
• 42:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: And she listens to me so that she's really trying to hear my side understand me.
• 42:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: And now we come together and we find the solution that we can both kind of move in.
• 42:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: need a little bit and it is a game changer and how you're going to actually, you know, begin the connect and feel heard and feel understood and feel like you're a team now, you know, really trying to move forward and fix the situations because they will arise.
• 42:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're going to have these things happen in relationships.
• 42:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Last but not least, is our behaviors number six, you know, how do I change the behaviors that I'm doing and begin to really kind of, you know, live my life in a way that's, you know,
• 42:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: more beneficial healthier behavior patterns.
• 42:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, if I find myself triggered emotionally, I may now instead of losing flying off the handle, maybe I take an hour and I just walk around the block.
• 43:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes I do that, I put my sneakers on, I say, you know what, I'll be back.
• 43:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I just go and I walk around the block until I find myself emotionally calm again, then I go walk back in the house and now I can have a good conversation where I'm not flying off the handler.
• 43:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, having these really triggered conversations that lead us to nowhere.
• 43:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: So those six pillars,
• 43:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: truthfully for me began to be like, wow, I feel like if I can do all these six, even if I can just help a little bit here, move a little bit the needle there, you know, each one was kind of like a different thing.
• 43:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes I'm doing better on this and then I need to work on that, right?
• 43:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Or I need to do better here, I need to do better on that.
• 43:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: But little by little, I could, you know, focus on those six pillars and begin to start to see like, oh, I'm getting a little bit better at this.
• 43:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm learning how to do that now.
• 43:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: And now I have tools that I never had before.
• 43:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, before it was just kind of floating and hoping that this was the right way to do it, but again, it wasn't because of my own patterns now I have different ways of actually doing things that actually can actually work and now it's like my wife and I can have a really great relationship which we do today where we both feel her we both know how to deal with these situations we're not getting emotionally triggered like we used to.
• 44:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: If we do have a situation or rise, we know how to communicate it, we know how to kind of work through it.
• 44:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's a game changer.
• 44:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll tell you, it's a night and day experience on this side of it.
• 44:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I never thought our relationship could actually be this good and how to do it this good.
• 44:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Always in the past was just floating through and trying to figure it out and doing the best I could.
• 44:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: But it always ended in disaster because of my own thoughts and my own unhealthy path.
• 44:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, well, I think it's so important too to point out that you guys are doing this work together at the same time.
• 44:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: And unfortunately I see it a lot where like it can be go both ways but I see like the woman reading the books going to therapy, doing the help, trying to like, you know, create change, get the husband again.
• 44:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: It can go both ways.
• 44:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: It could be like the husband doing the work and stuff.
• 44:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I see a more often just because I work with more women and he's not.
• 44:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: and it's so frustrating when, you know, as a coach and I'm watching this and I am helping and they're not and they're still very much listening to defend and it's hard.
• 45:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I have been that person in that position where I was doing the work, I was really trying and my partner wasn't.
• 45:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I'd be listening to understand.
• 45:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: when I would like tell them what was wrong and they were listening to the fan, then I'd be like, okay, how did I just make them feel?
• 45:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: How could I make this better?
• 45:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: And since I'm so anxious, I was so anxious, attachment style, I would just take it all on.
• 45:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'd be like, well, this must be my fault.
• 45:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if I don't fix this, then they're going to leave me.
• 45:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: And like, it was really hard because I was trying to do all this healing and save everything.
• 45:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I just carried that whole relationship a couple times of just emotionally on my back.
• 45:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: and they weren't doing the work.
• 45:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I think it's really important and key to you guys are both doing the work, but cry is best you can, but both you are doing this and doing the work and going out.
• 45:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I had it put to me this way once and I loved this.
• 45:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: So many said to me, you know, two is better than one.
• 45:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: One is better than none true.
• 45:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, and so if your spouse isn't going to come with you.
• 45:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, you can't force them to now.
• 45:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: The only thing you can do is take ownership of your behaviors, your life, your actions and I promise you if you do the work and you truly understand this and you start to understand your partner and how they start actually.
• 46:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: a lot of the things that they may be thinking and some of their wounds and all of a sudden you start to realize, okay, this is how my partner may be feeling and going through when I approach him in a certain way, maybe that the way I'm approaching is just not working out because my approach is wrong.
• 46:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so once we learn how to do these things a lot differently and begin to understand our side as well as their side, I don't care if it's both or not.
• 46:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, both is always the best, but even if it's just you yourself,
• 46:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can make incredible changes in that relationship and see the dynamics of that relationship change tremendously now if you have somebody if you're growing so far past them and they absolutely are not coming with you sometimes that does get to a really difficult point and sometimes that relationship may end and sometimes that's what that other person may need before they finally wake up and go oh my god, I'm using this amazing person because I'm not willing to do any work and sometimes that's a wakeup call for them.
• 47:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Again, I think we have to show up first.
• 47:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: We have to get to a point where we know we're showing up pretty healthy.
• 47:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: We know we've got a pretty good feel on this.
• 47:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then if our partner is just that unhealthy and unwilling to change and that's the thing if they're not really willing to do some work.
• 47:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we will look at it now if they are, then sometimes we can give them some grace and we can give them, you know, so much fun.
• 47:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's see.
• 47:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: We see the needle moving a little bit.
• 47:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: We have to decide how long we're willing to kind of handle that and work with that.
• 47:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if you've been in a long term relationship, you're going to give them a little bit longer, maybe compare to say if you've only been together for maybe a year, maybe you give that person a month or two and then they're really not making changes, you move on.
• 47:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if you've been together for a long time, you have a wife, a kids, then you may want to give that other person a little bit more time, a little bit more grace to see if they actually are willing to come along with you.
• 47:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: And as long as they are, you know, it's great.
• 47:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, two is better than one, one is better than not.
• 47:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, hi.
• 47:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: You got it.
• 47:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: You got to do you.
• 47:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: I see this like so much in the in the fitness space, too.
• 47:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like I have these women that like want to create change and do things and men too.
• 47:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm male clients and their partners not on the same level with their health and fitness dream.
• 47:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: They don't want to be like a lot of times the guys like you can do what you want.
• 48:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not giving up my beer and pizza like you do you.
• 48:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's hard, you know, but I'm encouraging.
• 48:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, you gotta at least take care of yourself.
• 48:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: They will come along later.
• 48:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: A lot of the time, they end up getting on board because men don't like to be left behind.
• 48:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: No, it likes to be left behind.
• 48:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: But men really don't like to be left behind.
• 48:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think what I think what also happens is they want to see that you mean business, right?
• 48:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think a lot of times you get started and then two months later, you give it up on it again.
• 48:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: So now they're like, yep, see.
• 48:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: So why would I even get started because I knew you were coming back to drinking beer and hanging out, you know, wings with me, right?
• 48:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're into this like, oh my god, you are really into this.
• 48:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: You are looking good.
• 48:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: I see the differences.
• 48:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your energy is great.
• 48:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're attitude is great.
• 48:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: All the sudden that may inspire your spouse to go, okay, you're right.
• 48:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I need to make this change with you.
• 48:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: But they think they really testing your your seriousness before they actually are willing to make that.
• 48:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, how many times have you done weight watchers?
• 48:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're going to order things off TV or, you know, yeah, I always challenge them to them.
• 48:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like, well, how many times have you started and stopped before?
• 49:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, what behavior have you shown them, you know, because they're just going to go off of your past behavior.
• 49:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's what they're going to trust is who you've been going the past.
• 49:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: So Brian, how long now have you guys been together like on this good path and healing like so yeah, it's been a little over a year.
• 49:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it was mid-October last year when the restraining order came off, and Lurie from day one, once we were able to kind of get that off.
• 49:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we knew right away that the relation was different, but it took a little time to make sure, you know, like you just heard.
• 49:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: But we continued to see that, you know, it was just different.
• 49:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the way we do things today, we meet each other's needs differently.
• 49:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: We listen to each other differently, and we have a connection today that, man, I can't even believe how good we're doing.
• 49:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're excited.
• 49:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're a team now in a way that we never were before.
• 49:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, she knows how to meet my needs and
• 49:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: and work with me sometimes like one of the things she'll do for me that I really love is like before we even you know get out of bed in the morning you know we'll spend 20 minutes just kind of like you know just sitting laying a bed and just connecting for 20 minutes it's an amazing way to start the day where's in the past we might not have done that right we just spring up and get to work but she knows how much that means for me when we start our day like that it's a great way to start and so she does that for me because she knows how important it is now I also know to get for some space I also try not to be overly helpful which is yeah
• 50:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's hard for me to sometimes just say, you know what, I know she's got it.
• 50:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: She's a big girl.
• 50:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to let her do it on her own without feeling like I have to help her every time and give her that space and if she needs space to process something emotionally.
• 50:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: I also know to give her space if we do have a little disagreement which we've had over the last year of course.
• 50:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't panic and I don't panic and I just say, you know, it's okay.
• 50:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're going to talk about this in a day or two and we'll be all right.
• 50:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we do and we just work through it at that point.
• 50:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when I don't panic and I let it go, everything kind of works out when we do these things differently.
• 50:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we do them in a better way.
• 50:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's amazing how you know how these relations can work and but you need those tools and until you understand those things.
• 50:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: A lot of times again, we just get stuck in ways that we think are normal.
• 50:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: We think this is the way to do it.
• 50:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: But it's really not.
• 50:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I'm just glad I learned some new tools now that my wife and I have new tools that we're able to handle.
• 51:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, this has been great, Brian.
• 51:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Where can people find you follow you work with you?
• 51:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: I know you do like free consultations and stuff.
• 51:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, to help people get started.
• 51:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Tell us all about it.
• 51:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, put it down.
• 51:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want to miss you.
• 51:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Just I'm on a mission.
• 51:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Melissa, just to help as many people save as many relationships as possible.
• 51:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, I always say there's nothing worse in life than losing the person you love simply because you don't have the tools necessary to keep them, right?
• 51:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so.
• 51:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's heartbreaking.
• 51:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's gut-wrenching.
• 51:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to see anybody go through what I went through in my wife went through last year.
• 51:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hope we can head this off of the past.
• 51:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you want some help and you want to start learning this stuff, go to my website myrelationshipfail.com and you can take the attachment quiz right there.
• 51:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's free.
• 51:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can learn your attachment style and then you can also join the personal development school through my website as well.
• 51:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: That is Tais Gipson School and in there is a treasure trove of information on attachment theory,
• 51:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: different styles of communication.
• 51:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's a treasure trove of videos and workbooks that you can go through that will begin to move the needle.
• 51:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: I will also give you a free consultation when you do that.
• 52:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll give you a free full hour.
• 52:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Even if you don't, I'll give you a free half hour.
• 52:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you do that, I'll give you a full hour.
• 52:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we'll talk about your situation.
• 52:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want to hear what's going wrong with you.
• 52:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I want to see what we can do to help put you in the right direction.
• 52:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: So you can begin to really have a great relationship and begin to move the needle in that.
• 52:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: yeah, it's just it's an incredible incredible opportunity.
• 52:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you need therapy, go for it.
• 52:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you need, you know, I feel like this is a great to work in conjunction with therapy.
• 52:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're a man person of faith, follow that as well, like,
• 52:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Last thing I always love to say is if you are in a really bad spot right now and you're feeling like hopeless So you feel like it's over.
• 52:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: This relation was never gonna come around again all this other stuff I want to tell you right now that anything can happen.
• 52:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: I promise you I was done I had a restraining order there was no hope in this relation.
• 52:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was over I wasn't trying to fight to get my spouse back.
• 52:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was just trying to move on with my life But if you do the work and if you and he truly really let things go and you kind of just let things fall but you do so work with this
• 52:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: anything can turn around and all of a sudden you can find yourself having another opportunity with the person you love and now you'll have some new tools and now you'll be able to make it work again.
• 53:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: So just do the work and let things kind of happen and you'll be amazed at what can happen.
• 53:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: But don't give up hope I promise you because anything can happen.
• 53:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't care how bad it looks.
• 53:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I completely agree.
• 53:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, this is great to have you on Bryan.
• 53:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: What another, like, just a great awakening conversation around relationships and healing and self-love and trauma and childhood healing, all of it.
• 53:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we can't thank you enough for being on the show.
• 53:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: And everyone go to the show now.
• 53:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's what put all the links there, especially if you're listening to this in your driving.
• 53:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Don't worry, I'll put everything in the show.
• 53:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: This I got to say one thing last thing.
• 53:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Honestly, I never realized how much my body was holding on to.
• 53:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, all the unhealthy things that was experiencing in my body because I wasn't healed emotionally.
• 53:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: So my body today feels so much better than what I would have for.
• 53:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: So now, like, not only do you feel emotionally, mentally, you're feeling physically and you're able to show up every day, your body gets healed, your body feels better.
• 54:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Stress is a, is a killer.
• 54:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: And until we really are able to let that stress go, man, it holds onto it and it can really cause some problems.
• 54:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, you got to get this work and it, you'll be amazed at like how you feel better.
• 54:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: You feel better, like in every way, your whole life will change.
• 54:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: Anyway, I hope we get to work again soon, everyone check out the show notes and stay safe, stay healthy, until next time.
• 54:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: The bottom-life podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.
• 54:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: The content shared here is not intended as medical, legal, or professional advice.
• 54:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Always consult with a qualified professional before making any health fitness, financial, or legal decisions.
• 54:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: The opinions shared on this podcast are personal experiences and insight.
• 54:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: So if you need expert guidance, go find the right professional for you.
• 54:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for listening.