Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Are You Mad At Your Partner For Being What You Chose When You Had Lower Self-Esteem?

Transcript

Are You Mad At Your Partner For Being What You Chose When You Had Lower Self-Esteem? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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Psych mom, show, today, I'm going to talk about what happens
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when you no longer feel like you are compatible with your spouse
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and you kind of blame them for a lot of problems.
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And you haven't really reckoned with perhaps why you chose your
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spouse and it could be a big wake-up call and can also help
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promote more empathy and understanding as well as Overall
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less animosity and resentment. When you reckon with why you may
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have chosen your partner which in this case is because you used
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to think less well of yourself and you used to have lower
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self-esteem. And before we dive into that
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topic, Please Subscribe. Because then you can get access
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to all my paid episodes. I'm going to have one coming up
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next. Again, soon, I do want about
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every five episodes so and if you are a subscriber, please do
1:03
write in to tell me what Think I should talk about because I
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always have my ideas but I'm certainly open to feedback and I
1:11
respond very quickly when somebody gives me a topic that I
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like, which is frequently honestly, I'm not really that
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picky. So so let's dive into this topic
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and so people come to me for equally and couples counseling
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and they will say that they're very disappointed in the way
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that their marriage is going and they're unhappy with their
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spouse and they like all of these different things that
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their spouse does. That they don't like and and all
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of this, and they feel like they're acting a lot better
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really than their spouse. Is that, you know, maybe they
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understand that. I have to think that they're
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not, 50% of the problem. But you know, they really think
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that they are not. And in fact, the partner is more
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like 75% of the problem and then there's like 25 percent that
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they're frustrated because their Partners suck so much and that's
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really never the case. Like it's usually 50/50 and how
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because people have what we call Pathology's meaning that you
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exacerbate each other's bad sides and you pick each other
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frequently? For subconscious reasons that I
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have delineate. It in multiple episodes
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including the one immediately before this one about why people
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pick people that that make them the confirm how they already
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think about the world. If you have a negative world
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view, this means you're going to pick somebody that makes you
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unhappy. So you should listen to that one
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first. Before this one, For other
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context, but in this case, it's like a specific thing.
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So like for example there will be like, a guy who's really into
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fitness and he doesn't like that his wife isn't into fitness and
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guess what, his wife never used to be into fitness, and she used
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to be thinner, because she used to be younger, and it wasn't
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that hard to be thinner before she had kids.
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And before she sat around all day, teleworking and snacking,
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and this guy now he, He really was never going for a like a
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woman who is super fit. So even like let's say he used
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to be a college athlete or something, right?
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And so, he always valued Fitness, but his wife never
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really did, and, and he now is saying that, that it kind of
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bothered him all along maybe. But you know, what's more
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likely? What's more likely frequently in
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these situations is that the guy didn't have when he was younger,
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the self-esteem that he Is now, he was happy to get this woman
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that didn't ever exercise. He thought you was pretty hot,
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you know, and he was real glad that she liked him.
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And most girls that he met really didn't like him that
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much, because he really didn't have a shit together and he
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wasn't confident and he wasn't outgoing, and he wasn't any of
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the things. That now later in his life, he
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has become. And so now his standards for his
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wife have changed a lot although she really hasn't because she's
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the same person and quite honestly had she been some
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Fitness freak and like that. Just woman in the room.
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He wouldn't have gone for her. He would have been terribly
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intimidated. Most likely now, I said in my
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description I promised that I would talk about how this
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relates to men who want more sex and women who want more emotion.
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Well, let's think about it. So let's say that you're a man
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and your wife doesn't have enough sex with you and she's
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really not very sexual and and she's not really into being, you
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know, exploratory and adventurous and what have you.
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Now let's say as many of my my clients are, you're also a man
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who had pretty low self-esteem throughout his early life and
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didn't really see a great marriage growing up.
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Didn't really know how to deal with women necessarily never
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really learned that at home and really didn't think too highly
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of themselves. So if you are that guy and you
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were also with guys always this goes along with low sexual self
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confidence so frequently with that means is you are terrorists
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Five women who seem to have sexual experience because the
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last thing that you want when you're thinking about world's
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most humiliating outcome ever would be for you to start
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hooking up with a woman and she somehow and this is how young
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men think she knows that you have no experience and then this
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is like so humiliating and there's so many guys who lie
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about having more experience than they have.
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And not that the woman knows or cattell either way by the way.
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But you know, there's No real difference between a guy who
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slept with one woman sometimes, a guy who slept 10, women one
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woman or 10 women because of the guy who slept with 10 women, if
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he's in his early 20s, if those were all like around one night
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stands, he didn't learn shit from doing that, you know.
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So so kind of it doesn't really matter but in the guy's mind he
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thinks it's like super important and it would be so humiliating,
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it's like an experienced girl realize that he was in
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experience. So then the best case is to get
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a woman with less experience and You understand that this is a
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woman who is not very sexual. So, a lot of guys who right now
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in midlife are like yearning for wife who is more sexy, more
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sexual, more out there and exploring and adventurous.
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This woman would have intimidated the shit out of them
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when they were younger, man. So they were specifically
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attuned to women who seemed more shy and more, you know, and
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less. Emma dating and who had less
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experience and who talk less about sex and who led them
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initiate, because otherwise it would have been very scary and
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they would have felt that they would humiliate themselves in
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some regard so realizing that you may have actually
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subconsciously. Chosen a woman who would not in
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any way intimidate. You were scare you in the
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bedroom and could make you feel like you are the master of the
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universe or at least the one who knows more about sex in some way
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it can really make you think. Differently about your wife.
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She didn't do any bait-and-switch.
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She was really always kind of shy and awkward around sex
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probably and you've changed a lot and then somehow expected
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that because you've changed and you've learned more about
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yourself and you get better feedback from women out in the
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world because you're older and more confident and what have you
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that somehow she should come along and and now be different
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but why that's not really a very fair expectation.
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Similarly. There's many women that are very
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upset by their husbands level of a emotional avoidance and like
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kind of inability to express himself and not being very
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romantic Charming Etc. But a lot of these women had
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very low self-esteem themselves when they were picking a mate
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and they did not want mr. Charming.
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They did not necessarily want a man that other women were
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constantly fighting for him. They wanted kind of a nice see
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Stable guy that did not have a million ex-girlfriends running
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around, trying to get him back. That wasn't very good at
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expressing his emotions or it being romantic because this was
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kind of safe. This was a guy where they could
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be like the main if own possibly only girlfriend, this person had
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had. And that was for somebody with
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low self-esteem, that's kind of a good deal.
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Now, nobody thinks about these things openly, but as you go
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back and you think like, who are the guys that I was Attracted to
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her that I felt good about versus people that made me feel
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a little bit anxious or scared. If you don't have high
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self-esteem and you really want to get married and have a
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family, you're not going to go for some guy that's like very
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good with women or even very complementary or or really
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anybody that seems kind of charming at all.
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You're going to kind of lock down the first safe, stable guy,
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that seems like he's going to be faithful and that.
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And again, like an articulated desire but it's something that's
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done subconsciously, as like a safety, sort of protective
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mechanism. And this is, especially true if
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the woman thinks, or if she's had exposure in the home to,
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like, father who was unfaithful or a father who didn't who
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wasn't to be counted on, you know, because then she has low
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self-esteem herself and she feels that kind of marriage is a
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crapshoot and she wants to be with a guy who's pretty.
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Safe and stable and isn't going to leave.
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And so, the most romantic Charming, man, in the world,
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whose super attuned to his emotions and, you know, knows
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how to give her compliments and knows how to make her feel good.
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He knows how to do that with other women, too, and that may
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subconsciously make you feel very anxious.
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When you're thinking about the odds that this person is going
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to remain faithful. So, this is an interesting way
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to conceptualize your complaints about your significant.
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Other was your significant other ever.
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The person that you now say that you want, they may not be now,
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does this mean that if you truly have grown away from your
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partner and you have worked on your self-esteem, a great deal
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and your partner is the same person as they were 20 years
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ago. Does this mean that you have to
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remain married to them. If you have an epiphany that
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yes, in fact there were many reasons that you chose them.
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Does this mean that you are morally then obliged to remain
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miserable with them forever? I mean, obviously from the way
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that I am using hyperbole here, you already know the answers.
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No, No, but you got to do some deep reflection, right?
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So if you have thought, if a large part of why you've wanted
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to leave your spouse, has been this kind of anger that they
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like refuse to evolve or they refuse to just somehow be
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different or open their mind up to changing or whatever.
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You got to maybe reframe that to think about how fair is it that
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you say that this person can change?
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This person's not owe you anything?
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Thing to change, right? Like they are who they are.
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Of course, people should try to change and grow.
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Yeah, but like the things that people come in wanting a partner
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to change into like that's like impossible, a lot of the time
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you're not going to get a guy who's somewhere on the
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Asperger's Spectrum to be mr. Charming and romantic it's just
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not going to happen, right? And you know you're not going to
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get a guy who is like a total selfish douchebag you know that.
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Like a woman may have thought that.
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That was all that she deserved was a guy who kind of treated
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her like shit. You're not going to necessarily
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get that guy to turn into a selfless monk, you know who's
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like always thinking about you first.
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It's not going to happen. Similarly, a man who was very
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comfortable in early stages with a woman who's very demure and
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self-effacing, and not, and kind of awkward around sex, because
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it made him feel like a big man when he had no other experience
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that guy. Is not really within his rights
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to ask for that woman to change. Now again, this doesn't mean you
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need to stay with this person. In fact you could there are many
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people that divorce because they just grow away from each other.
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But you're going to have a hell of a lot.
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Better divorce a much more amicable divorce, that's better
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for the children. And for both of you, if you
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understand that, you are the one who changed, you are the one who
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developed a different way of viewing, the world higher
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self-esteem, and you are now the one, Who has other needs and
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that at first, you may in fact, subconsciously have picked your
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partner to be exactly who they were and you would likely not
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have been very comfortable with somebody who is extremely
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different in the way that you want them to be now.
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So like guys who complain about that women only want them to
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their money at first when they didn't have a lot of
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self-esteem, being a very young guy, they may have led with that
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as there. Calling card.
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They may have been taking women out on expensive dates and
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talking about their salary, pretty much because that was
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all. They thought that they had to
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offer. So then if such a man ends up
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with a woman, whose then a stay-at-home parent and then,
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and she likes, you know, very expensive material possessions
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deciding that, like, she should evolve into something else, but
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she was never anything else. And in fact, you may have picked
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her because you were looking for a woman.
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You could impress with the Limited Repertoire of impressive
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Feats that you had one of, which was having a salary because you
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didn't really think that highly of yourself.
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Now, how do people grow by the way, you might be asking, how do
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people establish more, you know, grow more self-esteem in these
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ways that I'm alluding to while therapy can really help.
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Even just age getting further along in your career, having
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some boundaries and understanding that parents in
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your dysfunctional, family of origin.
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Need to have some boundaries set up and not really Just basically
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getting out of your dysfunctional, family can help
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create self-esteem in a lot of people and Parenthood,
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particularly, if that's something that you always
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wanted, and you're good at it, there is a lot of women who are
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just so anxious to find somebody to make a baby with its
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evolutionary. And then once they did and they
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have children then they could kind of lie like few like,
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alright, I have children, and then, they could finally work on
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themselves in a more. Real and deep sense.
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The biological clock is real and I see it in a lot of women, you
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know, really stopping them from Deep self introspection and kind
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of even awareness of the red flags in relationships that
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they're in their twenties because they want so badly to
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have kids that they put their head in the sand, about any red
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flags and also increasing like life experiences.
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So, for example, if a man, you know, didn't think that he Is
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very attractive and able to get a lot of Partners when he was
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young and his 20s, maybe he wasn't.
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And then now, let's say he's in his 30s or 40s, and he goes out
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in the world. He's married well.
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Now he has a good job and he has confidence and he, you know, has
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attained a certain level in his career and he's pretty good dad.
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And, you know, he thinks he's pretty good and he projects a
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different Aura and women may be flirting with him in a way that
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they never did, which may be changing his vision of what he
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could, you know, obtained in. In the dating Market Place, this
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is real. So anyhow if you are a person
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who went through any of these Transitions and your self-esteem
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really dramatically changed, you got to think about whether it's
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fair that you expect that your partner would completely change
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from who they were if that person is what you actually
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chose. And this conceptualization that
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you may have chosen, somebody that actually wasn't that great
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in certain ways that you value. Because you didn't You deserve
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something that great because you weren't that great.
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And in fact, you then were more comfortable with somebody who
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you could predict at least how they would act in a certain way
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or somebody that you could outthink in a certain way or be
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better than, or lead or whatever the case may be.
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It's a different way to think about it.
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So that you do not end up racked with you no resentment, which is
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never a good space into which to to add like potential divorce.
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You know? I mean if you're going to
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divorce somebody and I spoke to with somebody about this the
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other day, I feel like it was a few clients possibly but
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probably people should know don't divorce when you're very
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very angry. It's like a bad time.
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The time to know when to divorce is when you just feel kind of
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sad that it didn't work out. If there is like massive,
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horrible anger, I mean, obviously not in the situation
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where you're being abused or something terrible happened.
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But if it's just just like you like when is a better time to
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divorce would be when you it with individual therapy, have
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worked out your tremendous anger and you've gotten to a place of
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acceptance and sadness maybe and morning but acceptance that the
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relationship just kind of went how it went and it was their
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fault and it was your fault in equal measure and was also
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nobody's fault and it just was how it was because the two of
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you together you and your potential ex-spouse, you just
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You You Came Upon one another in a time where neither of you knew
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how to act differently and in more healthy ways and get into a
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place of acceptance is a lot easier whether or not you
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continue with your relationship. If you understand your part in
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creating the problem, which is what I'm trying to help you
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understand here. Alright guys.
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So hopefully that was interesting, gave you some food
17:56
for thought, please do subscribe because I'm sure that a
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subscriber episode will be in the next few and I will talk to
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everybody soon. Bye.