Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 141: New Year, New You: How to Create Change That Lasts

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141: New Year, New You: How to Create Change That Lasts · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Welcome back and happy new year.
• 0:22
  This is the first episode of 2025, and I am so glad that you are here.
• 0:26
  If you are like the bulk of us.
• 0:29
  With the new year, you're probably setting some new year's resolutions.
• 0:32
  And I just wanted to let you know right now, be sure that you subscribe.
• 0:36
  If you have some new year's resolutions, and if you tend to get stuck with those resolutions, make sure that you subscribe because the entire month of January, I'm going to be sharing tips and tricks to help you to be more successful in your resolve.
• 0:48
  I know that many of us, myself included have said, oh yeah, new year, new you new year, new me.
• 0:53
  Right.
• 0:54
  And it sounds so great on the surface.
• 0:57
  But how many times have you said that to yourself and you find yourself the very next year making the exact same resolutions.
• 1:04
  You haven't actually been able to create that change.
• 1:07
  So that's what we're going to be working on this entire month.
• 1:09
  And today we're really going to be focusing on how your self identity can really influence your decision-making and also significantly influence your resolve.
• 1:19
  As you do set your goals.
• 1:20
  And as you do strive to become that new, you., Now many of the ideas I'm going to be sharing come from the book, atomic habits by James clear.
• 1:30
  This is a fantastic book.
• 1:31
  I honestly do personally read it every single year because.
• 1:35
  I just love it.
• 1:36
  And I really could use a support myself.
• 1:38
  It's nice to have those reminders around.
• 1:41
  Okay.
• 1:41
  What is it that I really want to do?
• 1:42
  And how can I live in alignment with what my goals actually are?
• 1:46
  So if you are interested in having your own copy of the book, atomic habits, check out the show notes.
• 1:53
  I have a link down there.
• 1:54
  If you're new to audible, you get a pretty significant discount by clicking on that link.
• 1:58
  Uh, so come and check it out.
• 1:59
  It is a fantastic read and we can kind of have this be like a book club as we go throughout the month of January.
• 2:05
  And really work together to become our best selves.
• 2:10
  So for today, we're going to be focusing on our self identity and getting really clear on how it is that we want to identify and taking a closer look at how this impacts how it is that we show up.
• 2:22
  Because it does have significant impact and changing things.
• 2:25
  Just a teeny tiny bit.
• 2:27
  Can really have a big impact.
• 2:29
  For example, I worked with a lot of people through their addictions through all sorts of goal setting.
• 2:33
  And so maybe your identity as well.
• 2:35
  I'm someone who is trying to lose weight.
• 2:39
  If you are someone who was trying to lose weight.
• 2:41
  And if that is how you identify.
• 2:43
  You're still going to be trying, right.
• 2:44
  Trying as part of your identity.
• 2:47
  So when you're offered that piece of cake, or when you see that plate of cookies at work or something, You're gonna think.
• 2:52
  Okay, well, I'm someone who's trying to lose weight and it's going to naturally build up a lot of resistance for you around losing weight.
• 3:00
  Whereas if you're identifying as somebody who is fit and healthy, it is significantly going to shift how you're showing up.
• 3:07
  Someone who has already fit and healthy.
• 3:09
  It's not a big deal.
• 3:10
  If somebody brings cookies into work because they know I'm not going to eat a cookie at site, and I would rather have an apple, I would rather have carrot sticks.
• 3:16
  It shifts how it is that you're showing up through that personal identity.
• 3:22
  So as you're making your vision boards, yes.
• 3:23
  Think about the things specifically that you want to be doing.
• 3:26
  And as I said, we will be talking about that throughout the course of the month.
• 3:29
  But I highly encourage you on this first week of January to really think about who is it that I want to become.
• 3:36
  And how does that person show up?
• 3:39
  And as you are identifying who it is that you want to be and how it is you want to show up.
• 3:43
  It's also crucial to see where you're currently at and see where you're maybe out of alignment with yourself.
• 3:49
  Sometimes we keep things in the dream phase, we think, okay, well this week I'm going to not have any cookies this week.
• 3:54
  I'm going to only snack on carrots and apples, and we focus on the things, but if you don't have that core identity in place, and if you aren't actually being honest about where it is that you're currently at, then it's again, is going to create a lot of resistance for you.
• 4:07
  So for example, somebody might come to work with me and they'd say, okay, I really want to lose weight.
• 4:11
  Say.
• 4:11
  Okay.
• 4:12
  So what do you weigh right now?
• 4:13
  Okay.
• 4:13
  I wait X number of pounds.
• 4:15
  Okay.
• 4:16
  What do you have for breakfast each morning?
• 4:18
  Well, you know, I really just kind of just grab whatever's quick.
• 4:20
  So usually I'm having something that's really high carb, you know, it might be like a donut on the way to work.
• 4:25
  It might be something on the sweeter side.
• 4:27
  Uh, so I don't really do very good at eating breakfast very well.
• 4:30
  Okay.
• 4:31
  Tell me about your physical activity.
• 4:33
  Well, you know, the last time I went on a walk was probably when I took the kids trick or treating in October.
• 4:38
  Okay, thank you for your honesty.
• 4:41
  All right.
• 4:41
  Okay.
• 4:41
  Let's look at how often are you eating fruits and vegetables?
• 4:44
  When's the last time you had a salad?
• 4:46
  Well, I probably eat a salad about once a week.
• 4:49
  Now this is not a way to create judgment, but this is just to help you to get super clear at where you're currently at, so that you can see what changes you need to be making.
• 5:00
  Another example when it comes to really being honest about where you're at is maybe somebody is coming to me and they say, yeah, I really want to have more closeness with my partner.
• 5:07
  First get really honest about where you're currently at.
• 5:10
  So my client might say, okay, well, I'm currently really experiencing some distance between my partner.
• 5:16
  And as I ask some questions about, well, how are you showing up in relationship?
• 5:20
  Well, you know, I'm feeling really shut down.
• 5:22
  Okay.
• 5:22
  So when you're feeling shut down, what things are you doing and what things are you not doing?
• 5:27
  And they say, well, you know, I'm really not doing much of anything when I'm feeling shut down.
• 5:30
  I'm not initiating repairs.
• 5:32
  I no longer get up and greet my partner when they get home from work.
• 5:36
  I'm not asking them on dates.
• 5:37
  I'm not having the meaningful conversations.
• 5:40
  I'm not telling them how I'm feeling.
• 5:41
  There's a lot of things that I'm not doing actually.
• 5:44
  That helps to reveal how they got into that situation in the first place, but it also gives them very practical ideas on what changes they need to make in order to have that more communicative and that more connective relationship.
• 5:58
  When we're able to get really honest with ourselves about where we're currently at, then it does two things first, it really does help us to have that self accountability.
• 6:07
  We recognize that.
• 6:08
  Okay.
• 6:08
  I guess the, I had a part to play in creating these circumstances.
• 6:12
  And second, it helps to minimize that self deception.
• 6:15
  It can be really easy to fall into it.
• 6:16
  Well, I just don't know how it happened.
• 6:18
  I don't know why I weigh what I weigh.
• 6:20
  I don't know how my relationship got this way.
• 6:22
  I don't know.
• 6:24
  So, if you are telling yourself, I don't know, I encourage you to get curious.
• 6:27
  If you did know.
• 6:29
  What answer might you have really kind of observe yourself.
• 6:33
  You might even want to be a little bit of a scientist and just observe yourself for a day, two days a week, and really track what it is that you're doing day in and day out to help you to see more clearly how it is that you're showing up.
• 6:45
  We like to stay in cognitive dissonance.
• 6:47
  We like to think things are out of our control because if they're out of our control, that means everyone around us needs to change and we don't need to create any lasting change for ourselves.
• 6:55
  We actually love to feel helpless because then we don't have to do the work of creating that change.
• 7:02
  So this practice of being honest with where you're at it is practicing that radical acceptance of owning our piece.
• 7:08
  And it actually is truly empowering.
• 7:11
  It can feel disempowering in the beginning because it doesn't really feel good to acknowledge that.
• 7:15
  Yeah.
• 7:15
  Okay.
• 7:16
  That was my fault.
• 7:17
  It doesn't feel good.
• 7:18
  However, once you're able to acknowledge that the things are in your control, that you do have control to change your circumstances.
• 7:25
  That is where the magic happens.
• 7:27
  That's where we start to feel more empowered.
• 7:29
  With what it is that we're wanting to create.
• 7:33
  Okay.
• 7:33
  So we've talked about being honest with where we're at and how we are currently identifying how it is.
• 7:37
  We got to our current identity.
• 7:39
  Now we're going to talk a bit about the self identity that we really want to step into consciously, because it is really easy to say new year, new you, but who is the new you?
• 7:50
  Many people when I'm coaching with them, then I'll ask them, well, what are your goals?
• 7:54
  And they kind of give me some vague goals.
• 7:56
  They don't know that they're vague until I started asking questions.
• 7:59
  But they might say, well, I want to be healthier.
• 8:01
  I want to be wealthier.
• 8:03
  I want to be happier.
• 8:04
  And adding an"er" on the end.
• 8:07
  It doesn't really give us a lot of clarity.
• 8:08
  Right?
• 8:09
  What does it mean?
• 8:10
  What does it mean to be wealthier?
• 8:12
  How much money do you want to make this year?
• 8:14
  What does it mean to be happier?
• 8:16
  How would you measure your personal happiness?
• 8:19
  What does it mean to be healthier?
• 8:21
  What are your goals?
• 8:22
  Is your goal to run a 5k or is your goal to run a marathon?
• 8:25
  Getting really clear on what your goal is, is going to change your plan up a bit?
• 8:29
  Right.
• 8:29
  I'm going to train very differently if I'm training for a 5k versus a marathon or an ultra marathon.
• 8:35
  So get really clear on what is your personal definition of healthier, wealthier and happier, and that can help you to bring that clarity as to how it is that you want to work to achieve that it can help to put it into smaller bite sized pieces.
• 8:48
  So let's play around with a few examples of how self identity can really help to support you.
• 8:53
  And as we're talking about the self identity, as you are showing up day in and day out, yes.
• 8:57
  Observe where you're currently at.
• 8:59
  But notice if your current behaviors are giving you a point for, or against your desired identity.
• 9:06
  If you're falling into old patterns and behaviors, you're probably giving yourself points against your desired identity and points for.
• 9:13
  Your old identity, the one that got you into this situation in the first place so if one of your goals is to have a happier marriage, ask yourself, okay, what does that mean?
• 9:22
  And how can I make it measurable?
• 9:25
  Make it measurable for you so that you can know and have that evidence for your brain that yeah.
• 9:29
  I am somebody in a healthy and happy relationship.
• 9:32
  But get really curious about, okay, how can I show up through that lens?
• 9:36
  So maybe for you then maybe that means being someone who is loving and affectionate towards their partner, this means being emotionally affectionate, sharing some kind words, but also maybe physically affectionate and initiating every now and then when it comes to having that nurturing touch.
• 9:51
  Maybe for you, it means.
• 9:53
  Fixing them breakfast every Sunday morning, doing kind acts of service.
• 9:57
  What does it mean?
• 9:58
  And how can you make it measurable for you that you are showing up as that kind and compassionate and connective partner?
• 10:06
  If you want to identify as someone who is fit and healthy, get curious about what that means and how you can make it measurable for you.
• 10:13
  Bring yourself that clarity.
• 10:15
  So ask yourself, okay.
• 10:16
  If I might identify as someone who is fit and healthy, how would I fit and healthy person show up?
• 10:21
  What does a fit and healthy person do every day?
• 10:24
  How often do they work out and how long do they work out?
• 10:27
  What kind of foods do they eat and what kind of foods do they not eat?
• 10:31
  How do they snack differently?
• 10:33
  What do they drink?
• 10:34
  What do they not drink?
• 10:35
  How do they spend their downtime?
• 10:37
  What time do they go to bed?
• 10:39
  What time do they wake up?
• 10:41
  And once you've really identified those things about, okay, how would a fit and healthy person show up?
• 10:45
  Then you can have that clarity on what it is that you want to start doing.
• 10:49
  In order to become that person.
• 10:52
  Now as you're playing around with these new identities, I just want to give you a heads up.
• 10:56
  Your brain is probably not going to like it.
• 10:59
  The brain just wants us to be comfortable.
• 11:01
  And if we have to exert any form of effort, the brain is going to put out those red alert signs and say, Nope, Nope, danger, danger.
• 11:06
  Don't do that.
• 11:07
  Don't create change.
• 11:08
  We were so comfortable on the couch doing nothing.
• 11:11
  So just know that your brain is going to go into freak out mode and be prepared for that.
• 11:15
  Working with a coach can be very helpful when your brain is going to freak out mode.
• 11:19
  So if your current identity is somebody who eats a salad only once a week and went for a walk last October, and you want to shift your identity to someone who is fit and healthy, know that there's going to be a little bit of transition time in there and just be patient with yourself.
• 11:33
  Right now the scoreboard is out of balance.
• 11:35
  Right now you have more points for your couch, potato identity than you do your fit and healthy identity.
• 11:42
  So of course your brain is going to say.
• 11:44
  Nope.
• 11:44
  Sorry.
• 11:45
  You're a couch potato.
• 11:46
  Remember?
• 11:46
  No, no, no.
• 11:47
  Be better to just go and grab a snack for breakfast.
• 11:49
  Don't have that healthy omelet go and have something else instead, let's go to McDonald's right?
• 11:54
  Your brain is going to say, that's not who we are, but as you practice into that identity and practice, giving yourself more votes for your new identity, soon, your brain will relax a little bit and say, oh, okay.
• 12:07
  I see.
• 12:07
  Yeah, we are someone who is fit and healthy and it will help you to naturally shift that identity and will help you to just make better choices.
• 12:15
  Because when you identify as a certain person, then it really helps to eliminate a lot of that effort that goes into decision-making.
• 12:22
  You don't have to wonder what you're going to eat or how much when you show up at the party, because you've already predetermined okay.
• 12:29
  As a fit and healthy person.
• 12:31
  What do I want to eat?
• 12:32
  When I show up at the party?
• 12:33
  How much?
• 12:33
  Do I want to eat before I go?
• 12:35
  Do I want to only limit myself to the veggie tray once I'm there.
• 12:38
  How is it the, I want to show up for this event and you already know, because you've already identified how a fit and healthy person is going to show up at social events.
• 12:48
  Let's say that one of your desired identities for the new year is showing up as someone who maintains boundaries to create more balanced and sustainable relationships.
• 12:57
  Notice if your current behaviors are giving you points for or against that desired identity.
• 13:03
  So, for example, you're saying yes.
• 13:04
  When you want to say no, because you really don't want to disappoint anybody.
• 13:08
  Are you ignoring your own needs to accommodate other people, even when it leads to resentment and burnout.
• 13:14
  Or maybe you're avoiding having difficult conversations because you're worried about how the other person might respond.
• 13:20
  If, so those are all votes against your desired identity.
• 13:24
  So be honest with yourself again, you don't need to judge yourself on it.
• 13:27
  You are making a transition and it's a natural tendency to slide back into past behaviors.
• 13:32
  It's okay.
• 13:33
  But be honest with yourself about, Ooh, in that moment I said yes.
• 13:36
  When I wanted to say no, I'm going to do better next time.
• 13:40
  Okay.
• 13:40
  So be really honest with yourself about how you been showing up and then choose intentionally to show up in that way that is more desirable for the identity that you want to create.
• 13:49
  Give your brain, the evidence that you are someone who maintains boundaries to create balanced and sustainable relationships.
• 13:56
  This means that maybe you politely, but firmly say no to a request that doesn't align with your personal wellbeing.
• 14:01
  Maybe this means actually taking time for yourself when you need it.
• 14:05
  Even though it means turning down a social event, maybe it means being more clear in your communication and in communicating actual boundaries, instead of just assuming that people will know.
• 14:15
  Even when it's going to feel a little bit uncomfortable at first, because it's new.
• 14:19
  All of those actions are going to give your brain evidence that oh, okay.
• 14:23
  I am someone who can state clear boundaries in order to maintain more balanced and sustainable relationships.
• 14:29
  You have given your brain, the evidence that this is the new youth, that this is how you identify from here on out.
• 14:37
  Maybe this year, you want to identify as someone who prioritizes self care and emotional wellbeing.
• 14:42
  Notice how you're showing up.
• 14:44
  Are you constantly checking your phone or email late at night instead of actually unwinding.
• 14:48
  Are you saying yes when you're exhausted and need rest?
• 14:52
  Are you skipping your daily journaling and mindfulness practice because you just feel too busy?
• 14:56
  Or are you setting aside 30 minutes each day for self-reflection journaling and meditation?
• 15:02
  Are you scheduling time to do the things that bring you joy?
• 15:05
  Like reading or taking a walk in nature or hanging out with that one friend that is just such a great listener when you really need an ear.
• 15:12
  Are you expressing your emotions openly and seeking support when you need it?
• 15:17
  Notice if your behaviors are votes for or against your desired identity.
• 15:23
  Maybe your desired identity is becoming someone who communicates with authenticity and courage.
• 15:29
  If, so again, notice how you're showing up.
• 15:32
  Are you agreeing with somebody else just to avoid conflict, even when you don't genuinely feel that way?
• 15:37
  or are you withholding feedback or feelings out of fear that they won't receive it well?
• 15:42
  Are you saying what you think other people want to hear from you rather than actually speaking your truth?
• 15:47
  Or are you initiating honest conversations around difficult topics, even when it feels uncomfortable?
• 15:53
  Are you practicing, listening and responding thoughtfully instead of defensively.
• 15:57
  Are you sharing your thoughts and feelings openly, even if they challenged the status quo?
• 16:03
  Notice how it is that you're showing up and be really honest with yourself.
• 16:06
  If these behaviors are votes for or against your desired identity.
• 16:12
  When we come to really identify in a certain way, it makes decision making so much easier.
• 16:16
  So really feel into who do I really want to become.
• 16:19
  And how would that person show up?
• 16:23
  As we wrap things up.
• 16:24
  I also want to remind you of the power of self-compassion.
• 16:27
  Some patterns and behaviors have developed over time.
• 16:29
  And that is what has created your current reality.
• 16:33
  And while it can be uncomfortable in the beginning to make the needed changes and to become the new you that you want to become, it's not impossible.
• 16:40
  And you can do it.
• 16:42
  It can also be helpful to just call out negative behaviors as they are happening.
• 16:47
  You can say it out loud if you want to.
• 16:49
  So it can be really helpful when you are waking up in the morning and you see that plate of cookies left over from the night before.
• 16:55
  Then you can tell yourself.
• 16:57
  Okay.
• 16:58
  I am a person who is fit and healthy.
• 17:00
  How would a fit and healthy person eat right now?
• 17:03
  What would they do with those cookies?
• 17:05
  Would they eat the cookies?
• 17:06
  Would they toss them?
• 17:06
  Would they give them to a neighbor?
• 17:08
  What would they do?
• 17:09
  It's also okay to tell yourself, Hey, the old me is starting to speak up right now and they really want to eat one of those cookies and it feels really uncomfortable to not eat the cookie.
• 17:18
  Take a minute to just have that self-compassion talk to yourself through your higher mind.
• 17:23
  Yeah, of course you want to eat the cookie cookies are great.
• 17:26
  You've always eaten the whole plate of leftover cookies.
• 17:28
  But we're making different choices now in order to become who we really want to become and it's going to be okay.
• 17:35
  When you feel those urges when the old you is wanting to make itself manifest again?
• 17:41
  Sit with those emotions, sit with that discomfort for even 90 seconds and it can help that urge to release so that you can walk away and let it go.
• 17:49
  90 seconds.
• 17:51
  Just try it out and see how it works for you.
• 17:53
  And then after the 90 seconds, generally, that's enough time for the emotions to process and for the prefrontal cortex to come back online so that you can make decisions through your higher mind.
• 18:03
  So maybe at that point, you say, yeah, those cookies do look good.
• 18:06
  And I ultimately know I'm going to feel better about myself and my body's going to feel better if I snack on an apple instead.
• 18:14
  So that's what I'm going to have.
• 18:16
  Allow yourself to feel those feelings and then make your decisions accordingly.
• 18:22
  So for this week, get really curious about what identity you want to adapt this year.
• 18:28
  Do you want to be someone who is fit and healthy?
• 18:30
  Do you want to have more balanced and sustainable relationships?
• 18:33
  Do you want to be someone who is able to state boundaries without having discomfort?
• 18:38
  You can do all of these things.
• 18:41
  And again, if you would like help and support, as you learn to step into this new identity.
• 18:46
  If you'd like help and support, as you learn to navigate the negative emotions that can arise as you're making those changes come and work with me, I would love to work with you.
• 18:55
  Also as a reminder, make sure that you are subscribed because through the whole month of January, I'm going to be sharing more tips and tricks to help you to be more successful in really creating that new you, because they're pretty awesome.
• 19:08
  And they deserve all of the love and support that they can get.
• 19:11
  All right.
• 19:12
  I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 19:13
  Bye now.