Latest / Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly / Can You Disagree with Someone & Still Respect Them? | Thinking Out Loud
Transcript
- Thinking Out Loud - Podcast: It feels like these days, R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what you mean to me, has become an excuse. An excuse to be petty, harmful, and avoid accountability. Like, you're dodging taxes. the logic goes, if I don't feel respected, I don't have to respect you, right? in reality, it feels something else is happening. People are... tired of masking. They don't want to put in the effort to say the same message in a thoughtful, regulated, and kind way. instead we hear, ⁓ goes both ways. And that's true, ⁓ think we misunderstand what respect actually is because respect isn't an action, it's a feeling. A feeling that often needs to be mutual. when it's not, it can easily turn into a power dynamic. at that point, it stops about being respect and it becomes about control. Three, it's Kimberly. Today I've been thinking a lot about respect, what it means, how we use it, and how often we misunderstand it. When I ask people what respect is, ⁓ they usually describe things like kindness, and feeling comfortable. what I've noticed is this, they're describing how they feel. ⁓ when they're respected, not necessarily what they're giving to others respectfully. Before we any further, quick note, this podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't and listen in a way that feels supportive for you. here's the question I want to sit with today. ⁓ Can we disagree with someone and still respect them? The definition of respect is, I feel a deep affirmation for someone or something, by their abilities, ⁓ and achievements. See right there? It's a feeling, ⁓ an action. When I think about respect, I think ⁓ can admire parts of you. ⁓ can learn from you. ⁓ can see your strengths while still fully being myself. I respect you, are you, and I am me. For me, ⁓ things that admire respectfully are someone being willing to try things, remembering how to play and have fun even as an adult, putting yourself out there, ⁓ managing your life, especially during these hard times, Asking questions, even if it risk looking dumb, following through on what you say you'll do, also admitting your limits, ⁓ when you're wrong and having a plan to grow, ⁓ brave enough to be vulnerable in a world that ⁓ to only reward performance. ⁓ think a lot of people use respect as a placeholder word sometimes disrespect means I feel uncomfortable. ⁓ I feel ⁓ I feel ⁓ For example, someone is late, ⁓ is that ⁓ or are hungry? And now you're irritated ⁓ for me. I used take you late in this personally, honestly, I don't like being hungry. now I order my appetizer. get a drink. ⁓ I'd rather someone arrive safely communicate when they can. Because at the end of the day, I can wait. I can't do hangry. No one wins in that scenario. when someone corrects you, were you disrespected or do you feel embarrassed because feeling stupid is uncomfortable ⁓ and hits something deeper, discomfort doesn't equal disrespect. sometimes disrespect is this. I don't value your opinion on this topic because you don't have experience in it. And maybe that's okay. But then we get into tone. Why do we need a tone police so much? Does tone matter more than the truth? If someone says, disagree with you, but laughs at the end, does that invalidate the message? Some people laugh because they're uncomfortable. And even if they are being rude, do you believe so little in your perspective? that someone else's tone can dismantle it? I don't think so. I don't think so. then the question becomes, ⁓ intent matter ⁓ is it simply information, data about who that person is to you and whether that relationship even works for you. If someone dismisses you, ⁓ why spend your energy trying convince them at some point, you're arguing with a wall. For a long time, disrespect felt very intentional for me because in my life, It was used cause harm. I became very sensitive to it, during my college years. what I eventually realized was this, it wasn't disrespect. ⁓ It was actually a power dynamic. I was seen as less than, and they knew I wasn't to fight back. they kept pushing for years, ⁓ something shifted. I realized didn't to hold that much power over me I started noticing the environment I was in. I was surrounded by people who making look small. ⁓ And then I met my best friends and a lot changed. want to be dramatic and then everything changed. They showed me. I can be weird and that's okay. I can be wrong and they'll correct me kindly. We can laugh together, not at each other. We can disagree and still stay connected. Sometimes we evolve. Sometimes we compromise. Sometimes we just say, I see it differently. And that's enough. Honestly, I love it when my friends correct me. When they tell me I misunderstood something. When they say no Kimberly, I actually want Panda, not Chick-fil-A. Because that's real. That's honest. That's safe. I don't have to respect every single choice someone makes because I'm viewing life through my own lens, I can still respect them as a person. What I've noticed with more performative relationships ⁓ is this, respect becomes transactional, it's never communicated. Not until ⁓ after everything I've done for you and suddenly was never a feeling. It was leverage at that point. People who generally want a relationship with you, they respect you, and they're honest with you. They say, hey, this feels out of character for you, not to control you, to help you reconnect with yourself. honestly, isn't that what we want? ⁓ I want people in my life who can say, Kimberly, this isn't aligned with who you are, ⁓ not shame me, to remind me. ⁓ I think people put too much weight on being respected. Instead of asking, what am I actually feeling right now? one of the biggest red flags is pity. ⁓ And think that's where pity and disrespect get confused. When someone pities me, it me they don't respect me. ⁓ It signals instead. This is a power imbalance. Cause really, I'm not really feeling disrespect. I personally believe I'm feeling a power imbalance. I'm being placed underneath them. I'm being made a joke of. It can sound like they say everything is fine to your face, tell others you're needy, ⁓ you're too sensitive, that you wouldn't get it. they never actually try to understand you. here's the hard question. ⁓ Why do accept pity? Maybe because it feels safer. ⁓ If people you, ⁓ they might less likely to harm you. And then you don't have to take full responsibility for your life. for me, that never sat right. ⁓ really the feeling of being pitied. I already felt responsible for everything, ⁓ even I couldn't control most of my life, just me, myself, and I, I wasn't to avoid responsibility. ⁓ was trying stop feeling like I had to carry the entire world on my shoulder. that I had to perform, had to be perfect all the time. The pressure was overwhelming and honestly. the amount of people who were like, wow, you're having a panic attack. Wow, you're upset. I couldn't tell. Yeah. It's crazy to reflect on that. back my point, sometimes what people call disrespect is actually about boundaries, I've learned the truth for me is people don't have to respect my boundaries. ⁓ Boundaries are me to uphold ⁓ what they're respecting is my request. And that realization became empowering. instead of waiting for people ⁓ change, ⁓ get to act. ⁓ get to decide, does this person get access to me? Because I think access ⁓ earned through, do you respect my feelings? Do you respect my limits? Do you respect my goals? why do we keep trying to get respect from people who have already shown us they don't give it? So back to the question, can you disagree with someone and still respect them? Absolutely. Respect isn't the same as an agreement, it also isn't about silence. ⁓ I don't people to everything for me to respect them, to respect and mutual respect. I need my friends to be my friends. need my husband to be my husband. I need my kids to be my kids. And I need my therapist to be my therapist. It's okay for relationships to have limits. ⁓ Not everyone's going to agree with me my parenting choices. honestly, sometimes I don't even agree with past versions of myself. I'm still evolving. I'm still learning, I can still love who I was and give myself grace for the season I was in. I disagree with people all the time and I still hold space for them. Just like I hold space for the fact that I've changed too. And at the end of the day, disagreements are often just information. They show us what aligns with our lives and what doesn't. For instance, I love being a mom and I still respect someone who chooses to be child free because their life doesn't have to look like mine to be valid. me. Respect isn't agreement. recognition. And sometimes that's enough. for listening