Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 656: How Soon Will An Avoidant Break No Contact?

Transcript

Episode 656: How Soon Will An Avoidant Break No Contact? · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:01
  So and avoidant broke up with you, huh?
• 0:04
  When will they reach out to you or will they even reach out to
• 0:08
  you if you're in no contact? Well, stay tuned and you'll find
• 0:11
  out. Hi, this is Lucia with the Art
• 0:13
  of Love. I'm a dating and relationship
• 0:15
  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back.
• 0:19
  And welcome back my beautiful no contact Army.
• 0:22
  Have you been a good little soldier or a bad little soldier?
• 0:25
  If you've been good, you've downloaded our app Silencio to
• 0:28
  help you stay in no contact. The link is underneath every
• 0:31
  single video and podcast. And if you too would like to
• 0:34
  join our no contact army, all you have to do is hit the
• 0:38
  subscribe button and the bell notification and you're in.
• 0:42
  And to read our manual, go to nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 0:47
  can read two free chapters before you purchase the book.
• 0:51
  OK, so when we're talking about attachment styles, you have to
• 0:55
  keep in mind that attachment styles exist on a spectrum.
• 0:59
  So while on one end we may have someone who's highly dismissive,
• 1:04
  on the other end of the avoidance spectrum we have
• 1:08
  someone who's fearful. All avoidance are not the same.
• 1:12
  So please keep that in mind as you're listening to this and not
• 1:17
  everything I say is going to necessarily apply to your
• 1:20
  specific situation. That's why I always encourage
• 1:23
  people to get coaching if they're uncertain as to how to
• 1:26
  move forward when they're trying to get an X back.
• 1:29
  So if you've been listening to me for a while, then you know
• 1:32
  that I've talked about the 60 day rule, which basically says
• 1:36
  that most people when they go no contact will hear from their ex
• 1:40
  who dumped them within 45 to 60 days.
• 1:45
  And if you want to check out that video, I'll post a link in
• 1:47
  the upper right hand corner on YouTube.
• 1:49
  So while most people we hear from their ex within 60 days,
• 1:53
  obviously not everyone will. Otherwise it would be too easy,
• 1:57
  right? No contact would be smooth
• 1:59
  sailing because you would just set your clock for 60 days and
• 2:02
  know that by the time you get to 61 days, you'll hear from your
• 2:06
  ex. But it's not that simple.
• 2:10
  So if your avoidance is very good at soothing themselves,
• 2:14
  which most avoidance are, then it will most likely take longer
• 2:18
  than 60 days. And This is why I often get
• 2:21
  comments under my video saying, oh I can't believe it.
• 2:24
  I heard from my ex after four months, I heard from them after
• 2:28
  six months. And their voice goes up at the
• 2:30
  end. No, and that's because they
• 2:34
  don't have to think about the break up and your feel their
• 2:38
  feelings for you 'cause they're busy soothing themselves and
• 2:40
  distracting themselves. That's what they did in
• 2:43
  childhood. So this is very familiar to them
• 2:46
  and they're very comfortable doing that.
• 2:49
  And if by chance your ex is one of those avoidance that are not
• 2:53
  good at self soothing, then they will reach out sooner when you
• 2:58
  do no contact because they'll feel as if they're losing you
• 3:02
  and they better hurry up and do something.
• 3:04
  That's why it's crucial that you stay in no contact even if your
• 3:08
  ex is an avoidant. And there's a couple of other
• 3:12
  factors that you have to look at.
• 3:14
  First of all, what type of situation was it?
• 3:17
  Were you dating for a few months?
• 3:18
  Was it a situationship? Was it a long term relationship,
• 3:21
  even a marriage? Obviously, the more of an
• 3:24
  emotional connection there was, the more likely it'll be that
• 3:28
  you'll hear from your ex. And the sooner, if it was a
• 3:32
  short relationship, it could actually go either way because I
• 3:35
  know people always wonder, well, we only dated for a short time,
• 3:38
  you know, does that mean no conduct's going to work?
• 3:41
  Well, here's the thing. On the one hand, you were still
• 3:44
  in the honeymoon stage and there hadn't been yet enough time for
• 3:50
  the relationship to have a lot of bad memories, hopefully.
• 3:54
  So it's possible that you triggered your avoidant and
• 3:57
  that's why they ended it, even though you were in the honeymoon
• 3:59
  stage. So in that case, there's a very
• 4:03
  good possibility your ex will reach out.
• 4:05
  Now on the other hand, if it was a short term relationship, that
• 4:09
  may not have been enough time for a strong emotional bond to
• 4:13
  have been created and therefore it's less likely that your ex
• 4:17
  will reach out. That's why when you first start
• 4:19
  dating someone, you want to focus on creating an emotional
• 4:23
  bond sooner rather than later. And something else to consider
• 4:28
  is how did your relationship end?
• 4:31
  Was it amicable or was it contentious?
• 4:34
  Or did your ex do the slow fade? These are all things that need
• 4:38
  to be considered when trying to calculate when your ex will
• 4:42
  reach out. So if the breakup was amicable,
• 4:46
  they'll feel more comfortable reaching out sooner.
• 4:48
  However, avoidance are known for breadcrumbing, so even though
• 4:53
  they may reach out, it doesn't mean they want to get back at
• 4:57
  that moment. They may just be missing you and
• 5:00
  not ready to get back together. So again, you want to avoid
• 5:03
  responding to bread crumbs because otherwise you'll be
• 5:06
  telling them that you're still interested in them and probably
• 5:10
  still interested in getting back together simply because you
• 5:13
  respond every single time they reach out, even if it's a
• 5:16
  breadcrumb. You may not think that's the
• 5:19
  message you're sending, but it is.
• 5:22
  And if you're new here, you may be thinking, well, what's wrong
• 5:25
  with letting them know I'm still interested if I want them back?
• 5:28
  The problem is that you alleviate their anxiety, and
• 5:32
  anxiety is one of the key factors that make an ex want to
• 5:36
  reach out and decide that they want you back.
• 5:39
  And I actually have a client right now who is very close to
• 5:42
  reconciling with his wife, who had been responding to every
• 5:48
  single breadcrumb because he had listened to other YouTube
• 5:53
  channels and nothing worked. She was not coming closer.
• 5:58
  And then he finally decided to try my method because he had
• 6:01
  heard my videos, but he thought, no way, she's crazy.
• 6:06
  I'm not listening to her. I'm not ignoring my wife.
• 6:10
  Yeah. So finally, in his desperation,
• 6:14
  he said, OK, fine, I'll give this crazy lady a try.
• 6:18
  And yeah, so guess who's having second thoughts about the break
• 6:23
  up now? That's right, the wife.
• 6:27
  So hopefully I'll have a success story for you very shortly.
• 6:32
  So an avoidant needs to feel that their life is better with
• 6:37
  you in it before they can be motivated to want to get back
• 6:40
  together. All right.
• 6:42
  And by the way, if you're finding this information useful,
• 6:45
  which I hope you are, be sure to subscribe so you don't miss out
• 6:49
  on any of my future videos I post every Monday.
• 6:53
  And finally, if the break up was not amicable, whether the
• 6:58
  relationship was short or long, or if it was a marriage, then
• 7:01
  it's going to take longer for an avoidant to come back.
• 7:04
  Avoidance want peace since they didn't have that in their
• 7:07
  childhood so they're not in any rush to go back to a toxic
• 7:12
  situation. This is why you need to look at
• 7:14
  how you contributed to the break up and work on yourself while
• 7:17
  you're in no contact. Otherwise, even if you do get
• 7:21
  your avoidant back, if you have not grown and become more self
• 7:25
  aware, there's going to be another breakup.
• 7:28
  And I also suggest you listen to my video on how to love your
• 7:31
  avoidant partner and I'll put that link in the upper right
• 7:34
  hand corner on YouTube. So in summary, while it's
• 7:39
  possible that you'll hear from your avoidant ex between days 45
• 7:42
  and 60 of no contact, it's more likely that it'll be anywhere
• 7:47
  from an additional 45 to 60 days or longer.
• 7:50
  So total of 90 to 120 days. And I know that seems like a
• 7:56
  long time, especially if you have an anxious attachment
• 7:59
  style. But for the avoidant it's not
• 8:01
  long at all. And unfortunately if you want
• 8:04
  them back, you have to operate on their timetable, not yours.
• 8:09
  So if you have trouble staying in no contact, I would suggest
• 8:12
  you check out my no contact playlist on YouTube to help you
• 8:15
  stay strong during this difficult time.
• 8:19
  And at the end of the day, as I've said before, interest level
• 8:22
  Trump's everything. Meaning that if they had a high
• 8:26
  interest level in you at some point, but then it dropped and
• 8:30
  went below 50, which is why they broke up with you, there's a
• 8:33
  very good chance you'll hear from them no matter what your
• 8:37
  attachment style is. And if they never had a high
• 8:41
  interest level in you and they break up with you, you probably
• 8:44
  will not hear from them again, no matter what their attachment
• 8:47
  style is. And of course, I have to credit
• 8:50
  the late great doc Love for teaching me and all of us about
• 8:54
  interest level. And if you want to know more
• 8:56
  about it, you can click the link below every single video that
• 8:59
  will take you to a page where you can read 10 free chapters of
• 9:03
  his book The System. So check it out.
• 9:06
  Now I want to hear from you. How long have you been in no
• 9:10
  contact with your ex? Please comment below and thank
• 9:13
  you to everyone who responds to other people's comments with
• 9:17
  positive, encouraging words. I can't get to every single
• 9:20
  comment so I really appreciate your help.
• 9:22
  Thank you so much and if you would like my help to get your
• 9:25
  ex back you can contact me at theartoflove.net and we will
• 9:28
  send you the rates. The direct link is below every
• 9:31
  single video. We respond to all emails within
• 9:34
  24 hours and usually a lot sooner.
• 9:37
  So if you don't hear back, it means that you didn't get our
• 9:40
  response for whatever reason. It might be in your junk folder
• 9:43
  or you just didn't get it. So please feel free to reach out
• 9:46
  again and use a different e-mail this time if possible.
• 9:51
  And if you found this video helpful, please like, subscribe
• 9:53
  and share. If you're listening to this as a
• 9:55
  podcast, please rate and review. And finally, remember that love
• 9:59
  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.