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The Six Dimensions of Foreplay · My Sexy Menopause Body

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to my sexy menopause body.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Menopause isn't something to own.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's something to own with strength, confidence.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, sexiness.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because menopause doesn't mean fading into the background.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: It means stepping fully into who we are.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: And now here's your host, Kim Nicholson.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get started.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: So in this episode, which is episode three of my book, unreleased book, it's about to come be published soon called 24 Hours of Foreplay.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um, today uh I'm not here to play nice.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yep, nope.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: I know you probably think I'm a very nice person, but today I'm not gonna play nice because I will tell you this foreplay isn't a warm-up.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: You know what it is?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's that relationship glue we're not talking enough about.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: Nope, not at all.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not just, oh, touch this or kiss that.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: You know what it is?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's presence, it's uh sheer poetry.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: You know that feeling when, you know, something just flows.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: So like foreplay, intimacy, and great conversation.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: When it flows, it feels less like a task and more like a dance, you know, maybe like a waltz or something even sexier, like a tango.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, these dance steps, you're not counting the steps, you're in sync with one another.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually psychobiological intimacy, and it rewires the connection from the inside out.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: So we want that inside out connection, and that's what we're gonna talk about today.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: This is pure, this is what it's supposed to be.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: So let's go, let's get into this topic.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: So when I interviewed over 100 women about foreplay, seven out of ten answered foreplay starts anywhere between 10 minutes, five minutes before sex.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: How sad is that?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: That is so sad.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: So, one of the most beautiful things about intimacy is that dance, you know, that waltz or that tango before intimacy.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: So, people, you are missing a beautiful part of intimacy if you think foreplay only starts five to ten minutes before sex.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: But the truth is, here's the truth.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: Foreplay starts the moment you choose intimacy over autopilot.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: We're all an autopilot these days, aren't we?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: We go from one thing to another, not even really thinking about what we're doing.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: So we're going to choose intimacy over autopilot.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to think about it even when you start in the morning at breakfast.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: It starts with a look.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: It starts when you say, guess what?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: I see you and I still choose you, even though I may have bed hair or bad breath in the morning.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'm still, you know, wiping out my eyes from sleeping all night.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: But that's when it starts.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: When I see you.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Because your nervous system, and there is a biological reason for this, because your nervous system responds to the connection long before your libido kicks in.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: So enter the polyvagal theory.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: It was uh this theory was created by, I think his name is Dr.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: Stephen Porgis.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: And basically what he has shown in this theory is that it shows that safe, attuned interactions, guess what?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: They regulate your nervous system, switching you from that fight or flight connection mode that we have probably all day long.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: I know I have that a lot.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um, that means your body's desire starts with it needs safety, not seduction.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: So polyvagal theory is like, I don't know, a guidebook for understanding how your body reacts to stress, danger, and of course feeling safe.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's all about your nervous system, especially a super important nerve called the vagus nerve, which I'm sure you've heard a lot about lately.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Think about think about your vagus nerve as, I don't know, uh your body's emotional Wi-Fi, I guess.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: And there's like three modes to it, all right?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: So let's think of a traffic light.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: So your nervous system has these three gears or states, kind of like a ladder or, like I said, traffic light.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Let's think of uh the ventral vagal as green.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: And what it feels like, it's safe, calm, social, connected.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so what your body does is you smile, you talk, you learn, and you feel very chill.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: Now, on the sympathetic, it is kind of uh yellow, it's alert, possibly a little anxious, maybe ready to fight or flight or run, but what your body does during this sympathetic mode is your heart races, your muscles begin to tense, and you feel a little edgy.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: And then the third one is your dorsal vagal.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: Let's use that as a red.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: This is what it feels like is when your body um shuts down, uh, becomes frozen, numb, or just disconnected.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: This is what your body does, is you just kind of zone out.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: You feel tired and maybe invisible.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: So you got to think of it this way: your body is always scanning.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Your nervous system is like, I don't know, a secret agent constantly asking, am I in am I safe or am I in danger?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: This is called neurosception, your body's way of sensing safety or threat without you even realizing it.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: And now, why does this matter for foreplay?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: Am I really going off on another tangent?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: Well, when you feel safe, your body lets you connect with people.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: It helps you learn, and it helps you have fun when you are safe.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: When you feel unsafe, your body switches to that survival mode.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: And even if there's no real danger.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: So understanding this helps you regulate your emotions.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: You can build better relationships and bounce back from stress.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: So foreplay is an extra, it is essential, and science backs it up.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Emotional connection floods the body with oxytocin, dopamine, the endorphins, the trifecta of bonding, joy, and pleasure.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: So, what I've got for you today is we're gonna talk about what I call the six dimensions of foreplay.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: We're not just doing the two dimensions, we're doing the full spectrum of intimacy, the full Monty.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna be talking about the emotional dimension, the physical, the well, it let me start again.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: So the emotional, let's talk about that.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Would be like shared vulnerability, attunement, and warm greetings.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: Your physical would be kind of non-goal-oriented touch, just you know, that proximity to your loved one, and sensual pacing.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not rushed.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna talk about the psychological, which is kind of using your imagination, the anticipation, the affirmation, and then another dimension is sensory, scent, sound, texture, and lighting.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: Those do also play into four-blade.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: And then, of course, we've got social, public praise, witnessed affection, visible loyalty.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: And then the last one is spiritual.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: Spiritual.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's that deep presence, that breath connection, that shared awe for one another.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: Each one activates a different pathway to desire.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: So together they create this kind of desire ecosystem, if you will.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: And when you engage in these multiple forms of foreplay, you're stimulating the brain toward circuitry, if you will.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: So, what can foreplay look like?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: Again, I asked over 100 women and they came up with, or they came up with, I should say, so many different answers, but some of the answers that they came up with were like um, it's flirting when you're doing the dishes.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's fun.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: Unexpected, right?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: How about a slow dance in the living room with no music playing whatsoever?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: How about kissing not just on the lips, but around them?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Or on the forehead, or on the ears, or on the neck?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: How about a hand resting on your thigh during a movie night?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: Kind of an unexpected move, right?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: And not going beyond there, just a hand resting on your thigh.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: How about uh one of the other ones was uh daytime text messages that says, can't stop thinking about you last night?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: Mmm.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: How about a bubble bath for two with that shared playlist that you all like?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: And then of course, laughter.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: Believe it or not, laughter is foreplay.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: And here's something wild about foreplay.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: Guess what?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: We're not the only ones on this planet who have foreplay.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: Animals have foreplay too.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's called precoinal activity.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, if you think about it, birds preen each other, primates groom, and you know, on TV I've seen elephants caress trunks before mating.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: And you know why they do this?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: All to build trust, to reduce stress and create that safety that we've been talking about.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: Because we're wired for it.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a luxury, it's legacy, it's a part of foreplay.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about the mind game of foreplay.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about the brain.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Because especially for women, you know, desire starts in the mind, right?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Arousal is responsive, it's not spontaneous in all of us.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: You don't just flip a switch and your body responds to emotional safety, anticipation, and trust.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: So I want you to ask yourself this what are your turn-on triggers?
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: What are they?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: Do I crave words of affirmation?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think I do.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want a ton of them.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want an overkill on them.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: But I do like words of affirmation from my husband.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: Am I lit up by emotional closeness?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: How about, you know, when somebody brus when your spouse or lover, significant other lightly brushes up against your back or takes the hand and you know, touches your neck, you know, and or pets your hair, gives you a kiss on the neck.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, those are that's all part of emotional closeness, right?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: And is my ask yourself, is my desire tied to novelty and adventure?
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: Could be.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: For me.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it's knowing that my husband desires me, not just my body, but when I'm seen as a whole woman, that's my ignition.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: Is it yours?
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: So, according to, let's see, this research published in sexual medicine, women's arousal patterns are deeply tied to contextual and emotional factors.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: So, what does this mean?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: Desire isn't just physical, it's relational.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: So, communication can be sexy.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: So, if you've ever thought, but I don't know, I don't love how my partner initiates blah blah blah, fill in the blank.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you're not alone, again, of those hundred women that I had to interview for this book.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um I got a lot of responses to that too.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there are a lot of things that they didn't care that their husband did.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: And so guess what?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: This is the time, and this is I'm giving you a permission slip right now.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: So you get to talk about it.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: You get to talk about it.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna correct this.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: So you could start something simple.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's like, you know, you know what would make me feel amazing if you kissed me here.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: Or it would be so hot if you tried this.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: Use those openers, line openers, and see what it does for you.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: Because communication isn't awkward, believe it or not, it's hot.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: Communication is hot, and it what it says is it says, I care enough to guide you.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: Now that's intimacy, and that's erotic leadership.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: So uh there's this Dr.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: Emily Nagoski.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry if I'm mispronouncing her name, but she has um a book called Come as You Are.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought it was really interesting because it emphasizes that couples who talk openly uh about desire experience uh experiences uh significantly have a higher fulfillment and longevity throughout the relationship.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: So you know what?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: It starts with a conversation.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: Not because things are broken, I don't want you to think that, but because you are now brave enough to build it better, to make it better.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about um your daily rituals of desire.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: So how can you start this off?
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like I had mentioned earlier, start it off first thing in the morning.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you could, you know, if this was a roadmap, this is what I would tell you.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: So when you wake up and you see your partner first thing in the morning, compliment him or her about something, maybe even something last night.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know, that dinner you cooked was absolutely wonderful.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: Or I really liked our conversation last night, whatever it may be.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: And then, you know, later on in the morning, send a flirty meme or a voice memo, you know, sext, you know, add a little bit of that to your your day.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: And then later in the afternoon, um, you know, if you see your significant other doing a chore, just jump in and help them.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: That makes a big difference.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: Again, it's showing that you care.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: Remember that connection we talked about in the beginning?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's where that helps.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's where it comes in.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: And then around dinner time, you know, maybe a gentle touch, maybe some eye contact.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, how much do we spend in eye contact now?
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's like when we're dating, seems like you can't take your eyes off of one another, right?
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: But as you get married, you have years with this person, how often do you make eye contact with them?
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: With no expectation.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: Just make eye contact.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: And then, of course, towards the evening, you know, you can say things, another compliment, like, you know, I love how you look when you're winding down, or, you know, you just look beautiful tonight.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: Guess what, people?
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: This is foreplay.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: And it's also radically healing.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: So, as a psychologist, Barbara Frederickson discovered, these micro moments of love and those shared glances and those affirmations and those gestures, and it really does change the body's chemistry and expands capacity for joy.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: So, foreplay, guess what?
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: Is wellness.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: So let me wrap this up with this truth.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: You're never too old, too tired, too busy, or too disconnected for foreplay.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: You're not.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: You may need some new tools, maybe new language, maybe some new rituals, but the capacity for closeness never, ever fades, no matter how many years or decades you've been with your husband or your spouse or your significant other.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because foreplay isn't sexual choreography, it's emotional choreography.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: So whether you're solo or partnered or reimagining intimacy after 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, or just curious, make foreplay your wellness ritual.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: All right, I'm gonna ask you something, so I want you to direct message me some of your favorite daily intimacy practices, and I will share them on one of the future episodes.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: And um, until next time, stay soft, stay bold, and stay radically desired.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for listening to my sexy menopause body.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: This is Kim Nicholson, and until next time, take care, stay sexy.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: Menopause isn't the end.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's a whole new beginning.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is your time to own your power.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: Rewrite the rules and show up unapologetically because it's sexy.