Latest / Around the Kinky Kampfire Podcast / EP 41 | Unveiling the Truth: The Intricacies of D/S Dynamics and Dispelling BDSM Myths

Transcript

EP 41 | Unveiling the Truth: The Intricacies of D/S Dynamics and Dispelling BDSM Myths · Around the Kinky Kampfire Podcast

• 0:46
  Julius: Okay, we are back.
• 0:47
  Julius: Am I going to start to hear the correct name every single time?
• 1:04
  Ms Ru: I would appreciate it, you would appreciate it, I would.
• 1:07
  Ms Ru: I like the face you make, though, such a good face, but you get them other ways, so that's true too.
• 1:12
  Julius: Oh my God, it has such a good episode.
• 1:14
  Julius: Last time for y'all.
• 1:15
  Julius: It's been like three weeks.
• 1:16
  Julius: We're recording in batch sessions.
• 1:19
  Julius: So this is the second Thursday in February, so the second official episode of the year.
• 1:29
  Julius: Here we are.
• 1:30
  Julius: This is around the kinky campfire bonfire and we are here.
• 1:38
  Julius: It's campfire with a K to make the taboo and everything not, and education through awareness.
• 1:45
  Julius: We are here to share our experiences, some educational backgrounds and entertainment the spicy entertainment and the kinky BSM, non monogamous, polyamorous, open, all the things under there, with a little bit of geek underneath it.
• 2:05
  Julius: That's.
• 2:07
  Julius: Come on to the Instagrams at campfire kinksters, both with K's, every second and fourth Thursdays of every month, and then some solo episodes the first and third Thursdays of the month on all major platforms.
• 2:22
  Julius: The Spotify is the iTunes and the Amazon musics and, little known thing, did you know, facebook?
• 2:29
  Julius: Facebook, youtube has a podcast.
• 2:33
  Julius: Really, I don't know that you can have it auto uploaded.
• 2:36
  Julius: They just switched that this month so you could put your.
• 2:40
  Julius: They had a podcast session but now you can make it so it auto lobes like what we have to our host Buzzsprout Our great and gracious hosts that put all the stuff out there.
• 2:50
  Julius: So I upload to Buzzsprout and they put it onto all the major platforms and now you can be one of them.
• 2:54
  Julius: Okay, so I'll have to look on the thing and put that on there.
• 2:59
  Julius: Oh, I talk about an upgrade too.
• 3:00
  Julius: There might be an upgrade going on this month.
• 3:02
  Julius: But out of that, all that out of the way, is our favorite time After we do introductions.
• 3:12
  Julius: I forgot.
• 3:12
  Ms Ru: Yeah, who are?
• 3:13
  Julius: you.
• 3:13
  Julius: This is true, and this is Lone Wolf McQuaid Deep cut, deep cut.
• 3:21
  Julius: Yeah, you know where that one's from.
• 3:22
  Ms Ru: No no.
• 3:25
  Julius: Lone Wolf McQuaid.
• 3:26
  Ms Ru: You ever?
• 3:26
  Julius: heard of a movie called Escape from New York.
• 3:29
  Ms Ru: No.
• 3:30
  Julius: Escape from LA.
• 3:32
  Ms Ru: No no.
• 3:33
  Julius: I think that's where that's from.
• 3:34
  Julius: It might be wrong, anyways.
• 3:37
  Ms Ru: No, no, that's Snake.
• 3:38
  Julius: I'm saying that wrong.
• 3:39
  Julius: That's somebody else, but Lone Wolf McQuaid.
• 3:41
  Julius: I forgot which movie that was from, but one of those 80s movies.
• 3:43
  Julius: Okay, deep cut.
• 3:45
  Julius: And we're here to tell you the very most important thing what we're drinking.
• 3:51
  Ms Ru: I am still sipping on my screw ball.
• 3:55
  Julius: Not sponsored.
• 3:56
  Ms Ru: Not peanut butter whiskey, yeah.
• 3:59
  Julius: How old is that bottle now?
• 4:02
  Ms Ru: Hey, I am taking my time with this bottle, considering I'm drinking straight from the bottle.
• 4:06
  Ms Ru: We're doing pretty good Just six months in between sips, yeah, just sips yeah.
• 4:10
  Julius: Like eight 10, something like that.
• 4:12
  Julius: Apparently, whiskey does not freeze.
• 4:14
  Ms Ru: It does not.
• 4:14
  Ms Ru: There's no water in there, not good whiskey no water.
• 4:16
  Ms Ru: No.
• 4:19
  Julius: Yeah, okay, yeah, no water in whiskey.
• 4:22
  Julius: I'm learning that now In the good whiskey anyway.
• 4:24
  Ms Ru: And.
• 4:25
  Julius: I have on a bottle.
• 4:27
  Julius: That is not what is actually in the bottle.
• 4:29
  Julius: It's just some good old crystal lights strawberry or blueberry lemonade One of the lemonade.
• 4:35
  Julius: So, yeah, I'm just drinking water now.
• 4:38
  Julius: I got to take a breath because it's everybody's favorite time.
• 4:45
  Julius: You know what time it is that ASMR 30 seconds.
• 4:49
  Ms Ru: Time to get a new intro.
• 4:51
  Julius: No, it's great, it's good and it's going to start here in three.
• 4:57
  Ms Ru: Two I wish there was a way I could fast forward through this, but alas I'm stuck.
• 5:02
  Ms Ru: Didn't choke that time, darn I know you were, I know you missed this.
• 5:11
  Ms Ru: I was hoping.
• 5:12
  Julius: Yeah, good old.
• 5:13
  Julius: 10 second ASMR session.
• 5:14
  Julius: We should start just doing the ASMRs.
• 5:16
  Julius: Actual ASMR thing, go for it.
• 5:19
  Ms Ru: Can talk in a really low voice.
• 5:20
  Ms Ru: That's not happening.
• 5:22
  Julius: We can talk in a really low sexual voice.
• 5:24
  Julius: Do jerk off instruction.
• 5:26
  Ms Ru: Good old jail that's not happening for less than 50 bucks an hour.
• 5:29
  Ms Ru: Take it out, we can get there.
• 5:31
  Ms Ru: I'll let you know.
• 5:33
  Julius: When I put the surveys out there and say how much for a jerk off instruction video.
• 5:38
  Ms Ru: And be like $50.
• 5:39
  Ms Ru: Okay, we hit the mark.
• 5:40
  Ms Ru: Don't sell me too low now.
• 5:42
  Julius: Oh man, that'd be great.
• 5:43
  Julius: That's very popular.
• 5:44
  Julius: We just talked about this last episode.
• 5:46
  Julius: I know we did Very popular Do the Patreon thing and then we put that on there, jerk off instruction.
• 5:51
  Ms Ru: Okay.
• 5:51
  Julius: Yeah, from online.
• 5:55
  Ms Ru: Cause it's like zoom, so you can just bring on the people.
• 5:57
  Ms Ru: No, I'm good, keep going, I'm good.
• 5:59
  Ms Ru: Lord of mercy, oh man.
• 6:04
  Julius: Okay, so I had a nice long episode last time but to like cover all of 2023, the fetishes and the porn, and then, finally, what we took away from 2023.
• 6:17
  Julius: But now we're back onto our myths series.
• 6:20
  Julius: This time we're going to be talking about DS specifically.
• 6:25
  Ms Ru: Okay.
• 6:26
  Julius: Now I thought it was going to be very similar to what we were talking about before with the BDSM.
• 6:31
  Julius: As we know, bdsm DS is part of it now, so with the B, it's bondage.
• 6:36
  Julius: And then I forgot what the other B was Really.
• 6:42
  Ms Ru: No, it's just bondage.
• 6:43
  Ms Ru: No, there's another one too.
• 6:44
  Julius: I just heard about another one.
• 6:46
  Julius: I heard another thing for B, but D is the dominance and discipline, okay.
• 6:55
  Julius: And then S is the saydo and submissive and then M is just masochism.
• 7:00
  Ms Ru: There you go.
• 7:01
  Julius: I got to remember what the B was.
• 7:02
  Julius: Again, I don't know the time, but specifically we're talking about dynamics now.
• 7:07
  Julius: I think the one, the myths I have, are specifically DS dynamics.
• 7:11
  Julius: I would argue that some of these could be to the MS dynamics and a lot of the other dynamics that are out there.
• 7:20
  Julius: With these assumptions, but we'll see, we'll see.
• 7:24
  Julius: And campsters.
• 7:25
  Julius: You can let us know if you go on to the Instagram CampfireKinksters, both with Ks.
• 7:29
  Julius: Let us know what you think and we'll tell you what we think about all of this at the end.
• 7:34
  Julius: So I got a couple of lists here.
• 7:37
  Julius: First one is from unearthpleasurescom.
• 7:40
  Julius: I have not even heard of this one, so it's but is another kink site that's out there that I've not heard of.
• 7:46
  Julius: But this is DS myths combating stereotypes around dominance and submission, power dynamics and other consensual power exchange relationships.
• 7:54
  Julius: So yeah, all the things, but we're going to talk about DS first, but power exchange.
• 8:01
  Julius: So the first one in quotes, women are submissive and in quotes, men are dominant.
• 8:10
  Ms Ru: Are we really starting here?
• 8:12
  Julius: That's the first one.
• 8:14
  Ms Ru: Have we not gotten past this yet?
• 8:16
  Julius: It's all the DS.
• 8:16
  Julius: It's fucking 2024.
• 8:18
  Ms Ru: Have we seriously not gotten past this myth yet?
• 8:22
  Julius: Well, actually this is at the beginning of December, so technically it was 2023.
• 8:26
  Ms Ru: So we haven't gotten past this yet.
• 8:28
  Julius: Still a myth.
• 8:29
  Ms Ru: Well, of course it's a myth.
• 8:31
  Ms Ru: Why are we perpetuating it by still talking about it?
• 8:34
  Julius: Yeah, still a myth in here.
• 8:37
  Julius: Nope, gender is not a kink role and kink is for all genders.
• 8:42
  Ms Ru: Yes.
• 8:43
  Julius: Still, still there.
• 8:45
  Ms Ru: Say that louder for the people in the back, like that is so ridiculous.
• 8:48
  Julius: Kink is for all genders, still a thing.
• 8:51
  Julius: So this is what we're combating here.
• 8:53
  Ms Ru: So we're still combating this myth that if you're a woman, you're submissive.
• 10:19
  Julius: The people that don't know, and hopefully there's some new people that joined us today around the kinky campfire.
• 10:23
  Julius: You will know that this is still a thing If you go on the reddits and all the different things.
• 10:28
  Julius: This is still a thing People do not believe.
• 10:31
  Ms Ru: Because people won't stop perpetuating this.
• 10:34
  Ms Ru: Yes, and it's probably a lot in entertainment and stuff like that it's gross, yep.
• 10:40
  Julius: So yeah, this is why we got to get out there and get all over the different things and the content creations and the social medias and get that out there.
• 10:46
  Julius: That is, this is one of the myths, all right, so that kind of bled into what we were talking about before in the BDSM myths.
• 10:52
  Julius: But we have myth number two.
• 10:54
  Julius: This is interesting you need to have a dominant personality in the rest of your life to be dominant in a scene.
• 11:06
  Ms Ru: No, okay, so that's okay.
• 11:08
  Ms Ru: So one of my biggest problems I have with that statement is saying dominant in a scene, because you can be in a scene and you can top and not be dominant.
• 11:16
  Ms Ru: So that's the first problem I have with is they are switching, they are switching vocabulary again and we don't need to be doing that.
• 11:25
  Ms Ru: You don't have to be dominant.
• 11:28
  Ms Ru: To be the top in the scene is what they're insinuating.
• 11:32
  Julius: Correct.
• 11:33
  Ms Ru: Okay and no, you don't have to be dominant in your everyday life to top in a scene.
• 11:43
  Ms Ru: Okay, that's weird yeah.
• 11:48
  Ms Ru: I don't know why that's a myth, okay.
• 11:51
  Ms Ru: Yeah, that's a myth, all of that no, because well, it's so, it's common.
• 11:58
  Ms Ru: I will say it's common for people to interchange the dominant and top, and submissive and bottom.
• 12:03
  Ms Ru: Again, dominant, submissive is more how you identify, it's who you are on the inside, where top and bottom is what you do, it's very action based, and so you can be a dominant who bottoms, you can be a submissive who tops.
• 12:21
  Ms Ru: So it's, they are not, they are mutually exclusive of each other.
• 12:28
  Julius: Yeah, just a little foreshadowing for you.
• 12:30
  Julius: We might have to do another episode between dynamics and topping and bottoming, because still, even in our, in our world, the reddit and more close to the door.
• 12:44
  Julius: They still.
• 12:45
  Julius: There's still people that get that confused.
• 12:47
  Ms Ru: And I get it because you know it's what we see.
• 12:51
  Ms Ru: If you see somebody topping, it's normally a safe assumption.
• 12:58
  Ms Ru: People will just automatically assume oh, they're the dominant, they are a dominant type because they are topping.
• 13:04
  Ms Ru: It's a very hard visual to break out of that mold.
• 13:08
  Ms Ru: I get that.
• 13:10
  Ms Ru: So I get why it's perpetuated, because it's what you see.
• 13:13
  Ms Ru: Open any porn and you never see a submissive topping or like a known submissive.
• 13:21
  Ms Ru: They're not portraying themselves or sharing that.
• 13:27
  Ms Ru: They're a submissive as they are topping in a scene.
• 13:30
  Ms Ru: It's always hand in hand.
• 13:31
  Ms Ru: So I get where the myth comes from.
• 13:36
  Ms Ru: However, it's not true.
• 13:39
  Ms Ru: How you are at work or with your family or in different aspects of your life does not necessarily directly correlate to how you identify within this lifestyle.
• 13:55
  Julius: Yes, but Ru don't.
• 13:58
  Julius: If you have a, if you're a CEO at work aren't you automatically a dominant in the scene?
• 14:04
  Julius: No, that's bullshit.
• 14:06
  Julius: That's just funny that we have this myth.
• 14:09
  Julius: But then there's another stereotype, where the CEO is the one that's always a submissive, so it's like which one are you going with?
• 14:18
  Ms Ru: So confusing.
• 14:18
  Julius: So much in entertainment.
• 14:19
  Julius: In the movies, in the fictional stuff it's always the CEO, that's like the undercover and then.
• 14:24
  Julius: But then this myth is still here, like what still here.
• 14:29
  Julius: Doesn't make any sense to get picked.
• 14:31
  Julius: Hollywood, pick, pick up.
• 14:32
  Julius: Make up your mind, Okay.
• 14:34
  Julius: Myth number two that's three.
• 14:37
  Ms Ru: That was number two, I just skipped.
• 14:39
  Julius: number one Technically is number three.
• 14:41
  Julius: Yeah, we just kind of went over number one again skip past number one again.
• 14:46
  Julius: All right, myth number three, lifestyle DS, is toxic codependency.
• 14:52
  Ms Ru: Oh, they went there.
• 14:54
  Ms Ru: Wow, why does it have to be dynamic?
• 15:02
  Ms Ru: Why can't it just be relationships?
• 15:05
  Julius: Because from our MI, the asshole from before Remember that that's your dynamic is the relationship.
• 15:17
  Ms Ru: So dependency.
• 15:18
  Ms Ru: But that's this.
• 15:20
  Ms Ru: That's making an assumption that all DSs are toxic.
• 15:25
  Julius: That's what it says.
• 15:26
  Julius: Lifestyle DS lifestyle.
• 15:29
  Ms Ru: Like so there's non lifestyle DS.
• 15:32
  Ms Ru: Like there's so much wrong about that, like I don't even like we could spend time dissecting just this statement.
• 15:42
  Ms Ru: Okay, yeah, no.
• 15:46
  Ms Ru: Okay, obviously it's a myth, which means it's no.
• 15:48
  Ms Ru: Just because you are in a DS and it's how you identify and it's how you walk this earth, doesn't mean that it's innately toxic, and it also doesn't mean that you are codependent.
• 16:01
  Julius: Yeah, so let's break it down.
• 16:03
  Julius: Even more earth For the new people.
• 16:05
  Julius: What's the difference between lifestyle DS and non lifestyle DS?
• 16:10
  Ms Ru: That's the people practicing it.
• 16:12
  Ms Ru: That's the difference.
• 16:13
  Ms Ru: Everybody's going to have their own definition.
• 16:16
  Ms Ru: To me, a DS, just a DS, is an exchange of authority, however that looks to the people with.
• 16:26
  Ms Ru: That the exchange is with is how that is, whether they consider it lifestyle or they don't consider it lifestyle.
• 16:33
  Ms Ru: So it's subjective to the people within the dynamic.
• 16:36
  Ms Ru: I can't look at somebody and tell them whether their dynamic is lifestyle or not.
• 16:42
  Ms Ru: It's not my dynamic.
• 16:43
  Ms Ru: Just like I couldn't look at somebody and tell them whether it like oh, you're, you're, you're doing it wrong.
• 16:50
  Ms Ru: I mean, I can't tell you you're doing it wrong.
• 16:55
  Ms Ru: Now can I tell you what you're doing has the probability of failing.
• 16:59
  Ms Ru: Yes, I could say, based on experience and based on my knowledge, what you're doing isn't sustainable.
• 17:07
  Ms Ru: It's probably going to fail.
• 17:08
  Ms Ru: But is it wrong?
• 17:09
  Ms Ru: It might be right for them, just might not be right for long.
• 17:14
  Julius: Okay, you know we got to give a definition for the people that are like.
• 17:17
  Julius: My partner suddenly said they're into BSM.
• 17:20
  Julius: How do I start?
• 17:21
  Julius: So like lifestyle versus class.
• 17:25
  Julius: I mean but so you're trying to distinguish between lifestyle and kink.
• 17:31
  Ms Ru: There are some people who kink as a hobby.
• 17:34
  Ms Ru: It's just part of what they do on Thursday nights from eight to 10.
• 17:37
  Ms Ru: Okay, it's what you do from Thursday nights to eight to 10.
• 17:41
  Ms Ru: It's sometimes it's people who this is what they do on the weekends, or they only do with a specific person at a specific time.
• 17:48
  Ms Ru: Other people it's incorporated in all aspects of their life.
• 17:53
  Ms Ru: It's how they view the world, it's how they interact with people, it's how they choose to conduct themselves and how they view themselves.
• 18:02
  Ms Ru: So traditionally, that's how some people distinguish between people who are more lifestyle and people who are who kink.
• 18:11
  Ms Ru: Now you can have lifestyle people that kink, but just because you kink doesn't mean your lifestyle, doesn't mean that they identify as that, because to them it's a hobby.
• 18:21
  Ms Ru: They can pick it up, put it down, it doesn't matter, it's an interest.
• 18:25
  Julius: Yep.
• 18:25
  Ms Ru: It's like tennis to them.
• 18:28
  Julius: Okay, yeah, that's yeah for the new people.
• 18:31
  Julius: That's the difference there is between how much you participate in most communities.
• 18:39
  Ms Ru: If you ask anybody in a like a local community in my experience, what's the difference between a lifestyle or a kinkster, They'll tell you it's how they identify within what they're doing.
• 18:52
  Ms Ru: Is this a part of who they are?
• 18:54
  Ms Ru: They couldn't put it down if they wanted to.
• 18:56
  Ms Ru: It's embedded in them.
• 18:57
  Ms Ru: It's a part of all their relationships, their friendships.
• 19:00
  Ms Ru: It's a part of how they identify.
• 19:03
  Ms Ru: Or is it a hobby, an interest, something that they are just experimenting with or that they just enjoy in very restricted ways, Like only on Fridays that have a three in it?
• 19:18
  Ms Ru: I mean, it's just it's.
• 19:19
  Ms Ru: It just depends.
• 19:21
  Ms Ru: There is no right or wrong.
• 19:22
  Ms Ru: It's just people try to wrap their heads around.
• 19:25
  Ms Ru: The difference and that's the common answer I get in here in community is the difference.
• 19:32
  Julius: Yep.
• 19:32
  Julius: So remember, campsters, you take what you want from it.
• 19:36
  Julius: So there's no specific path that you have to go through just because you say you do BDSM or do kink or whatever.
• 19:42
  Ms Ru: It's how you want to live with it and be consensual with your partner, if it's a hobby and it's something you enjoy doing on Fridays, then just enjoy doing it on Fridays.
• 19:51
  Ms Ru: There's it doesn't cheapen the experience, it doesn't lessen your ability to do it Exactly, which means you just enjoy doing it on Fridays.
• 19:59
  Julius: I don't let other people judge you in your, in your, in your way of living.
• 20:02
  Julius: So toxic codependency.
• 20:05
  Julius: Is funny that that myth is out there Like well it's.
• 20:09
  Ms Ru: I doubt most people even know what that means.
• 20:10
  Ms Ru: I don't.
• 20:11
  Ms Ru: I don't appreciate the fact that they consider codependency toxic.
• 20:15
  Ms Ru: You can.
• 20:15
  Ms Ru: You can have healthy codependencies.
• 20:17
  Julius: I think they mean specifically, specifically toxic codependency though.
• 20:20
  Julius: I don't think they're saying like all codependencies toxic, they just talk about, but they're assuming all, all lifestyle DSs are toxic.
• 20:27
  Julius: Yes.
• 20:29
  Ms Ru: Yeah, no.
• 20:31
  Julius: They could just say that they're toxic without the codependency part.
• 20:33
  Ms Ru: They could just say that they're toxic.
• 20:35
  Julius: Yeah, yeah.
• 20:37
  Julius: And it's funny that they think that specifically the lifestyle part is toxic, when that has nothing really to do with the dynamic itself.
• 20:48
  Ms Ru: Well, it has nothing to do with the codependency aspects of things.
• 20:52
  Julius: That too.
• 20:52
  Julius: Yeah, so the toxic part and the codependency part have nothing to do with the actual DS or the dynamic.
• 20:59
  Julius: It's just you could be with a toxic person.
• 21:01
  Ms Ru: Right.
• 21:02
  Julius: And that has nothing to do with it, just like we learned in like two episodes ago with am I the asshole.
• 21:06
  Julius: It has nothing to do with the DS part of it.
• 21:08
  Julius: Okay, now, this one is a little bit weird for me, because, well, the myth is you can't talk to color submissive without their master's permission.
• 21:22
  Julius: That's very subjective because, yes, that's not really the myth.
• 21:27
  Ms Ru: Okay, so that they're.
• 21:29
  Ms Ru: That's another perpetuated myth.
• 21:35
  Julius: But like half the time that could be true.
• 21:36
  Julius: Just depends on what the rules are.
• 21:38
  Ms Ru: It's all.
• 21:38
  Ms Ru: It's all subjective, it's all individual.
• 21:40
  Ms Ru: And now, and what they're not taking to effect is how many people wear collars.
• 21:45
  Ms Ru: And it's not what that means.
• 21:47
  Ms Ru: Some people just like the look of it yeah.
• 21:51
  Ms Ru: I mean, was it hot topic?
• 21:52
  Ms Ru: Has like thrived off this look Like it's, so it's a now.
• 21:58
  Ms Ru: Is there a cultural expectation within the community where, if you see somebody with a collar on you, should you treat them a certain way?
• 22:10
  Ms Ru: With some people there is.
• 22:12
  Ms Ru: If you've been in the lifestyle more than 20 years, you probably have that thought process.
• 22:17
  Ms Ru: If you've been in the lifestyle less than 10, you probably don't.
• 22:21
  Ms Ru: It depends on the community you're in.
• 22:24
  Ms Ru: It depends on the education that the community is providing.
• 22:27
  Ms Ru: It depends on the subcultures of kink that you circle in.
• 22:34
  Ms Ru: If you are in a leather community and you see somebody in a leather community with a collar on, odds are it means that they belong to somebody?
• 22:43
  Ms Ru: Now, does it mean that you shouldn't talk to them without their master, that you can't make that assumption about anybody, regardless of the scenario that you're in?
• 22:52
  Ms Ru: Can you be respectful and error on the side of caution?
• 22:57
  Ms Ru: You could.
• 22:58
  Ms Ru: I personally.
• 23:00
  Ms Ru: It's not my job to police other people's dynamics.
• 23:03
  Ms Ru: So if you have a protocol that if you're wearing a collar and you are not allowed to talk to anybody while you're wearing your collar and they have to talk to your dominant or master first, and I come up and I speak to you.
• 23:17
  Ms Ru: It's your job to say I'm sorry, I'm under a protocol.
• 23:20
  Ms Ru: I need you to speak with so and so.
• 23:22
  Ms Ru: Thank you.
• 23:23
  Ms Ru: Okay, I can respect that and I'll go do that, but it's not my job to police your dynamic or to know everybody's rules, of their dynamic.
• 23:36
  Ms Ru: There is no rule that if somebody is wearing a collar you can't speak to them.
• 23:41
  Julius: And it could be that they have it under a protocol even without a collar.
• 23:44
  Ms Ru: They could have just thought that the collar was hot at hot topics and bought it and wore it.
• 23:48
  Ms Ru: I mean, it's times have changed now.
• 23:52
  Ms Ru: 20 years ago odds were if they wore a collar it's because they belong to somebody.
• 23:57
  Ms Ru: Styles change, cultures change, social expectations change and the last five to 10 years people wore them because it was fashion.
• 24:09
  Julius: I bring Avril Lavigne.
• 24:10
  Julius: I bring Avril Lavigne.
• 24:13
  Ms Ru: Yeah.
• 24:13
  Ms Ru: So yes, it's a myth because times have evolved with fashion and expectations and change and stuff.
• 24:23
  Ms Ru: But I understand where the myth comes from and why they're still that mindset, because you have people in this lifestyle that have been in it for more than 20 years and that's how we were raised.
• 24:32
  Julius: Yeah, and like, even with or without the collar like an own slave, could still be under protocol as well.
• 24:37
  Julius: Exactly, it's like the collar doesn't really tell you anything nowadays.
• 24:41
  Ms Ru: I mean it can, depending on the circles that you run in.
• 24:44
  Ms Ru: However, again it goes back to the.
• 24:49
  Ms Ru: It can't be the only thing that indicates that, and it's not my job to police other people's dynamics.
• 24:54
  Ms Ru: So if they have a protocol in place, unless they're wearing a sign around their neck that says don't talk to me, that's for you guys to manage, not me Exactly.
• 25:08
  Julius: Yeah, so that's an interesting one.
• 25:09
  Julius: And this next one is kind of like we talked about before subs are masochist, doms are sadists.
• 25:17
  Ms Ru: That's bullshit.
• 25:18
  Ms Ru: We've already covered this, yeah.
• 25:20
  Julius: Okay, next one in a lifestyle DS relationship.
• 25:24
  Ms Ru: You're real again.
• 25:25
  Julius: Dom controls all other friendships or other relationships.
• 25:28
  Julius: If Paulie Am.
• 25:31
  Ms Ru: Okay.
• 25:31
  Ms Ru: So first of all.
• 25:33
  Ms Ru: First of all, what you can always, what you negotiate within your dynamic, is what you negotiate within your dynamic.
• 25:42
  Ms Ru: Just because you are in a DS dynamic doesn't mean that these that there are rules that automatically apply.
• 25:51
  Ms Ru: There is no preset.
• 25:53
  Ms Ru: Oh, I'm in a DS.
• 25:55
  Ms Ru: Now Let me go get our list of rules.
• 25:57
  Ms Ru: There's no 10 commandments.
• 25:58
  Ms Ru: There's no thou shout, you know, in these.
• 26:03
  Ms Ru: So if it's within your negotiated dynamic that they have control over your friends, first of all to the rest of the community, that could be a huge red flag.
• 26:15
  Ms Ru: You know, we look out for people who do that.
• 26:18
  Ms Ru: You know why are they doing it?
• 26:20
  Ms Ru: Are they established themselves?
• 26:21
  Ms Ru: Are they mentally healthy themselves?
• 26:23
  Ms Ru: Like there?
• 26:24
  Julius: could be a submissive.
• 26:26
  Ms Ru: Either one either one.
• 26:28
  Ms Ru: There could be a lot of reasons.
• 26:29
  Ms Ru: I've seen where there have been DS dynamics, where they have negotiated friendships, and that is due to the S type surrounding themselves with toxic people.
• 26:45
  Ms Ru: So they're relearning how to find red flags and people and their dominance helping them find the red flags where they didn't maybe see them before they're not ostracized.
• 26:57
  Ms Ru: The biggest problem with this myth is people think this because there there is a truth to some lifestyle dominance where they will find a submissive and then ostracize ostracize them from the community and use this a way to do that so that nobody can question what they do or what they say.
• 27:20
  Ms Ru: There's nobody there to help police the actions, the decisions that are making right.
• 27:29
  Ms Ru: But just because you are in a dynamic, let's take the polyamory out of it.
• 27:36
  Ms Ru: Just because you were in a dynamic doesn't mean that you have to give up control of these things.
• 27:41
  Ms Ru: Everything's negotiated.
• 27:43
  Ms Ru: Now the fact that they're putting a poly twist onto that surprises me, because you usually don't see that much of a crossover between DS and polyamory.
• 27:57
  Julius: Yeah, I think they're talking about because of the other relationship.
• 28:00
  Ms Ru: So that's a very specific crossover that I wasn't expecting to see.
• 28:04
  Ms Ru: But again, it's all negotiation, because I've seen where people are in a DS and then have multiple partners that they don't have dynamics with or that they do have dynamics with.
• 28:15
  Ms Ru: Yeah, I've seen a household where you have partners who are a dominant submissive, but then that partner's other partner is a submissive also, but they all live together.
• 28:32
  Ms Ru: They don't all date, it's not like a threple, but there are multiple dynamics and relationships within the house of three people.
• 28:40
  Ms Ru: So, no, that's very odd that they put those two together.
• 28:47
  Julius: Yeah, it's often coincide, but they don't always throw it in there in that myth.
• 28:57
  Julius: Okay, last one from this one is lifestyle.
• 29:01
  Julius: Ds means there's no off switch.
• 29:03
  Julius: You consent to everything at any time.
• 29:07
  Ms Ru: Wow Okay, porn.
• 29:10
  Julius: That's for use porn there.
• 29:11
  Julius: I didn't see that on our popular.
• 29:13
  Ms Ru: That's I mean it's.
• 29:14
  Ms Ru: It's fun porn to watch, but it's bad porn for lifestyles.
• 29:19
  Julius: Um no.
• 29:19
  Ms Ru: I get where, okay, so let's talk about that too.
• 29:22
  Ms Ru: So I get where there's no on or off switch.
• 29:24
  Ms Ru: Me personally, if I'm in a dynamic and with another person there, I personally am not in a dynamic.
• 29:34
  Ms Ru: Monday through Thursday from eight to five, there is no on off switch for us.
• 29:39
  Ms Ru: We are capable of having conversations within our dynamic.
• 29:43
  Ms Ru: We can have discussions, we can have disagreements, we can operate machinery, like like.
• 29:48
  Ms Ru: We can go about our daily life within our dynamic and there there does not need to be an off on off switch.
• 29:54
  Ms Ru: That's my experience with DS, with now.
• 29:59
  Ms Ru: Everybody again is can negotiate what works for them, but no, there is no on off To me.
• 30:08
  Ms Ru: If there's an on off switch, that's not.
• 30:12
  Ms Ru: That's a scene.
• 30:12
  Ms Ru: Like you're setting up specific scenes, like it Okay, we're going to be in a dynamic on Tuesday, thursday and Saturdays, and then the other days were not like I don't know.
• 30:27
  Julius: Yeah, and always consent.
• 30:28
  Julius: Consent is always a thing.
• 30:30
  Ms Ru: Consent negotiation, I mean cause.
• 30:32
  Ms Ru: You can negotiate anything and if it works for you, by all means have fun doing it, as long as it works for you and you're consenting and you negotiated all of the terms to it.
• 30:41
  Ms Ru: But the fact that it doesn't it have one like you're either in it or you're not.
• 30:47
  Ms Ru: Yeah, it's, it's not, it's not a blanket assumption.
• 30:55
  Julius: Yes, Once again, we don't want to talk about assumptions, not a blanket assumption.
• 30:59
  Julius: Yeah Well.
• 31:01
  Julius: Yeah, it confuses me with the on and off thing too, cause you set parameters in the contract and you kind of work around those parameters.
• 31:07
  Julius: You can't do 24 seven, but there's ways to.
• 31:11
  Ms Ru: You can do 24 seven.
• 31:13
  Julius: Like well, I'm talking about like that, what they're talking about the on and off switch.
• 31:18
  Julius: Like everything at any time.
• 31:20
  Julius: That's not actually.
• 31:21
  Ms Ru: Well, no, but I mean like so it's very rare that you have the person that can live that kind of lifestyle.
• 31:27
  Ms Ru: You have to be able to not have a job, not have any other obligations outside the dynamic money type thing Like you know what I'm saying.
• 31:36
  Ms Ru: Like so the whole.
• 31:37
  Ms Ru: Any anywhere, any time.
• 31:39
  Ms Ru: People who work outside of the home and have bosses and careers no, you can't just show up to their job and demand that they get on the floor and give you a blow job while they're at work.
• 31:50
  Ms Ru: There is no like so the whole.
• 31:53
  Ms Ru: Oh, yeah, I can request you to do anything at any time.
• 31:56
  Ms Ru: If I'm in a board meeting, I can't just take a picture of my underwear and send it to you under the table.
• 32:02
  Ms Ru: Yeah, like it's.
• 32:04
  Ms Ru: You have to be realistic about your expectations with the whole anywhere.
• 32:08
  Ms Ru: But yeah, you're not allowed to eat unless you speak to me first.
• 32:13
  Ms Ru: Extremes, right?
• 32:14
  Ms Ru: What if they can't get a hold of you?
• 32:17
  Ms Ru: They can't use the restroom without your permission.
• 32:20
  Ms Ru: What if they?
• 32:22
  Ms Ru: If they're at work?
• 32:23
  Ms Ru: And what if, like you, your phone died?
• 32:25
  Ms Ru: What's your contingency plan?
• 32:27
  Ms Ru: They're eventually going to go to the bathroom.
• 32:31
  Julius: Yeah, somewhere.
• 32:33
  Ms Ru: Either on themselves or in a bathroom.
• 32:35
  Ms Ru: What's your contingency plan?
• 32:36
  Ms Ru: So again, this whole on off, you know, 24, seven, anywhere, any time thing.
• 32:43
  Ms Ru: I'm not going to tell somebody that that is wrong, I'm just going to tell them it's not sustainable.
• 32:49
  Julius: Yeah, you have to be, you have to build in contingency plans, you have to build in reality.
• 32:56
  Ms Ru: Okay, so you're not allowed to use the restroom without my permission.
• 32:59
  Ms Ru: What's the contingency plan if you don't get my immediate Attention?
• 33:05
  Ms Ru: What if I don't answer?
• 33:06
  Ms Ru: That's always like a go-to example that I use.
• 33:11
  Ms Ru: You know what if I'm at work and I ask and your phone's dead?
• 33:14
  Julius: Yeah, it doesn't make any sense.
• 33:16
  Julius: So tangent free use also a very popular porn category, but is there a kink for that as well that you know of?
• 33:29
  Ms Ru: For bathroom use.
• 33:30
  Julius: No free use.
• 33:32
  Ms Ru: What do you mean?
• 33:33
  Julius: Free use.
• 33:33
  Julius: So in porn it's pretty much you're just available for sex whenever.
• 33:40
  Ms Ru: I mean, I don't know if there's a name for it.
• 33:44
  Julius: Well, this is leading me into CNC, or Consensual Non-Consent.
• 33:47
  Ms Ru: Oh well, yeah.
• 33:49
  Julius: Well, there's specifically because I've seen it on our website.
• 33:54
  Julius: So I'm wondering and I've also seen it on Reddit.
• 33:58
  Julius: People ask this question like so for free, use what like for me for use, when I'm seeing that most people it's you're available for sex whenever.
• 34:09
  Ms Ru: Whenever it's desired by the other person.
• 34:12
  Ms Ru: Correct.
• 34:13
  Julius: They can just use you for sex and if it's healthy, it's during a specific time.
• 34:18
  Julius: But some people just don't know what it is and they just kind of whenever.
• 34:22
  Julius: So they ask questions like what is for use?
• 34:23
  Julius: And then another one is Consensual, non-consent.
• 34:26
  Julius: So, do you have experience with that?
• 34:28
  Ms Ru: I do.
• 34:30
  Julius: What does it look like to you for the newbie people?
• 34:33
  Ms Ru: Again, it's whatever you're negotiating, that dynamic about, like CNC, consent, non-consent for me has been very distinctly different with the people that I've been involved with.
• 34:45
  Ms Ru: Some of them were very scene-based, where it was CNC during scenes only, and some of it was CNC dynamic.
• 34:52
  Ms Ru: So again, it's whatever is negotiated to give up that power of.
• 35:01
  Ms Ru: Are you giving up?
• 35:02
  Ms Ru: Are you consensually giving up the power to orgasm?
• 35:07
  Ms Ru: Are you giving up your power within a scene?
• 35:10
  Ms Ru: Are you giving up authority to happen within these things?
• 35:15
  Ms Ru: Like CNC, you can still have hard limits and be in CNC.
• 36:16
  Ms Ru: Now some people negotiate that a true, true twoo CNC has none of that.
• 36:24
  Ms Ru: Like you're literally giving up.
• 36:27
  Ms Ru: To me it's a spectrum.
• 36:29
  Ms Ru: To me you're still negotiating.
• 36:33
  Julius: Are you saying giving up?
• 36:34
  Julius: You mean the hard limits too.
• 36:35
  Ms Ru: Yeah, I know people that and, to be honest with you, they've kind of changed.
• 36:40
  Ms Ru: They don't call it a DS anymore.
• 36:42
  Ms Ru: It's a type of a DS relationship, but it's property and owner.
• 36:46
  Ms Ru: They're literally somebody's property and so they control everything, every aspect about them, and they negotiated and willingly gave up every aspect of decision making in their life.
• 36:58
  Ms Ru: Their clothes are controlled for them, their money is controlled by somebody else, their healthcare is controlled by somebody else.
• 37:04
  Ms Ru: They're told how to vote.
• 37:05
  Ms Ru: So it's a spectrum.
• 37:09
  Ms Ru: You've got one end property owner and you've got another end You're agreeing to allow me to do anything within these boundaries for this scene?
• 37:22
  Ms Ru: So it's, and then everything in between.
• 37:27
  Julius: And then for you, do you usually have safe words?
• 37:30
  Julius: Do you do CNC?
• 37:32
  Ms Ru: No.
• 37:34
  Julius: Okay, that's another big question on the different.
• 37:38
  Ms Ru: But we negotiate that.
• 37:39
  Julius: Yeah.
• 37:42
  Ms Ru: We negotiate that.
• 37:43
  Ms Ru: Is it CNC, if there's still a safe word.
• 37:48
  Julius: I would say yes, I still use the safe word, part of it.
• 37:51
  Ms Ru: See if you're consenting for non-consensual activities.
• 37:54
  Ms Ru: Once you say for it, it's no longer CNC.
• 38:00
  Julius: Yeah, like you said, it's a spectrum.
• 38:01
  Julius: So for me the non-consensual part is the activities during the scene and the toys use could be non-consensual Because I could use whatever I want, but they still negotiated that the non-consensual part comes in when you're doing things like yeah, stuff that they don't like, yeah, yeah.
• 38:25
  Ms Ru: So that stuff I mean, it doesn't even have to be, doesn't even have to be BDSM related.
• 38:29
  Ms Ru: Say somebody doesn't like pickles.
• 38:31
  Ms Ru: You know they don't like pickles and you're gonna be like you're eating a pickle before you sleep.
• 38:36
  Ms Ru: You're not allowed to sleep until you eat that pickle.
• 38:39
  Julius: Yep.
• 38:39
  Julius: So yeah, that's the non-consensual they didn't consent to eating pickles.
• 38:42
  Ms Ru: That wasn't negotiated, but we're in a CNC and I know you don't like pickles.
• 38:46
  Ms Ru: So guess what?
• 38:47
  Ms Ru: You did this thing and for either for my enjoyment or for your punishment, or whatever it may be, you're gonna eat that damn pickle before you're allowed to sleep.
• 38:56
  Ms Ru: But I will not let you sleep until you eat it.
• 38:58
  Julius: Yeah, so yeah, stuff like that, but just for me.
• 39:01
  Julius: I still need the safe word, and then still within hard limits.
• 39:04
  Julius: But everything else is okay To me.
• 39:05
  Ms Ru: CNC we do not have a safe word.
• 39:07
  Ms Ru: We negotiated that.
• 39:09
  Julius: Yeah, and dancers.
• 39:10
  Julius: Now we have check-ins.
• 39:12
  Ms Ru: We do have check-ins.
• 39:13
  Ms Ru: I'm open to any conversation about the CNC dynamic.
• 39:17
  Ms Ru: Hey, I was thinking about it.
• 39:19
  Ms Ru: What about this?
• 39:20
  Ms Ru: Let's talk about it.
• 39:22
  Ms Ru: Let's talk about what that could look like.
• 39:23
  Ms Ru: Do you wanna know what the outcome could be?
• 39:26
  Ms Ru: Do we wanna discuss what a possible outcome could be?
• 39:28
  Ms Ru: Why is what's bringing this up?
• 39:30
  Ms Ru: What's concerning you about this?
• 39:32
  Ms Ru: What's your biggest fear about it?
• 39:34
  Ms Ru: And let's talk through it.
• 39:35
  Ms Ru: And then, if it becomes something like like I will walk away.
• 39:42
  Ms Ru: If this happens, like this is not something I'm willing to play with, this is not something I'm willing to discuss, I will literally walk away.
• 39:50
  Ms Ru: This is not what I'm including in this Then to me, that is off limits.
• 39:57
  Ms Ru: Like if somebody looks at me and says I'm entering a CNC thing with you, however, I'm not including my money, I'm not including my time with my family, like, and you cannot do anything that would jeopardize or inhibit me from being able to do my job.
• 40:17
  Julius: This is all stuff you talk about before starting this thing.
• 40:19
  Julius: Oh, absolutely so, yeah, camsters, I want to specifically say that cause a lot of the questions is just like people don't talk about this stuff before they start the CNC scene and then something happens and it's like I don't trust my partner anymore.
• 40:31
  Julius: It's like you can talk about this stuff.
• 40:33
  Julius: It just again once again, it's the assumptions thing.
• 40:38
  Julius: People have the assumptions like, oh, this is my partner, and then a knife comes out and it's like what the fuck?
• 40:44
  Ms Ru: Well, and the other flip side to that is when you don't talk about it is like when bad shit, it's when it goes wrong, because then what happens is you get these assholes that will hide behind a CNC, whatever, a scene, a dynamic or whatever.
• 41:01
  Julius: Or it's a misfit that wanted the CNC scene, with no kind of research.
• 41:04
  Julius: It's like I just started it now with no conversation.
• 41:07
  Ms Ru: But no, specifically where I'm going with this is they'll hide behind it to do things that they know people wouldn't normally agree to.
• 41:15
  Ms Ru: They will force agendas or they will force actions.
• 41:19
  Ms Ru: Let's just say trigger warning, sexual in nature.
• 41:24
  Julius: A lot of it is.
• 41:25
  Ms Ru: And so they will force things in a sexual in nature and then hide behind that.
• 41:30
  Ms Ru: Well, we're in a CNC, that's part of it, and it's like, well, that's poor negotiation and you being an asshole and trying to manipulate a situation, that's what that is.
• 41:41
  Ms Ru: So it's both parties responsibilities, because it can happen from the other end where you have a submissive or a bottom who has an agenda and they push you to be in situations that do certain things to them, and then they'll either like it could be buyers remorse, it could be, you know.
• 42:02
  Julius: I see where they didn't want to have a conversation beforehand.
• 42:04
  Julius: They just refused to and they just wanted to do it.
• 42:07
  Ms Ru: Oh well, no, I'm open, I'm available, I'm just giving up all authority in this, and it's like you should never agree to that, that's not that's not CNC.
• 42:17
  Ms Ru: That's not what that is.
• 42:18
  Ms Ru: It's not.
• 42:19
  Ms Ru: To me, cnc is like 201, 301, 401 level shit, like it's not something you just do in pickup play, it's not something you do with somebody you just met online.
• 42:30
  Ms Ru: It's there should be established trust in history and like mutual desires to be in any kind of CNC discussion.
• 42:44
  Ms Ru: Because it takes that level.
• 42:48
  Ms Ru: You are literally saying I am giving up the ability to give consent for these things.
• 42:54
  Ms Ru: You can't just give that away.
• 42:57
  Ms Ru: So no, it's not a beginner level concept.
• 43:04
  Ms Ru: It should never be treated as a beginner level concept.
• 43:09
  Julius: Yeah, if we can't make it like pointed out enough you should, you can still have a conversation in a negotiation before a CNC scene.
• 43:20
  Ms Ru: Now is it fun to be like oh no, don't spank me and you get spanked.
• 43:24
  Ms Ru: Yeah okay, I get where.
• 43:27
  Ms Ru: Like people are like okay, no, I'm gonna spank you, or you know it's or no.
• 43:32
  Ms Ru: You've like the whole.
• 43:33
  Ms Ru: You know you've been a bad boy.
• 43:35
  Ms Ru: I'm gonna put you over mighty and speaking.
• 43:36
  Ms Ru: You can role play, yeah it's role playing.
• 43:38
  Ms Ru: You can role play, and role playing is not CNC.
• 43:43
  Julius: Still can negotiate beforehand.
• 43:45
  Ms Ru: You can, but they're not the same thing.
• 43:49
  Julius: Yeah, both of them different, but still should be negotiations, have a conversation beforehand.
• 43:54
  Julius: It just drives me crazy when people just get into a situation with their partner and the other one doesn't wanna talk about it or whatever.
• 43:59
  Julius: It's like.
• 43:59
  Julius: What the fuck we can still?
• 44:00
  Ms Ru: talk about this stuff.
• 44:01
  Ms Ru: If you don't wanna talk about it, then it shouldn't be done.
• 44:03
  Julius: Yeah, exactly, don't be forced to do things without your consent.
• 44:08
  Julius: Okay, got one more real quick and then we'll shut it down.
• 44:13
  Julius: I have another one that's like another nine one.
• 44:16
  Julius: This one's only five.
• 44:17
  Julius: Okay, so five common misconceptions of DS relationships from submissiveguidecom.
• 44:23
  Julius: That seems like a pretty helping you find yourself.
• 44:26
  Julius: That's a pretty good website right there.
• 44:28
  Julius: Good name Myth number one All DS relationships are unhealthy and dysfunctional.
• 44:36
  Ms Ru: And we're.
• 44:36
  Ms Ru: I'm not even addressing that, because that's just discrediting an entire lifestyle and I'm not doing it.
• 44:42
  Julius: Yeah, so Once again, it's a myth, I'm glad it's a myth, but I'm not, it's no yeah, that's another thing we gotta.
• 44:50
  Julius: We got a fight through because in media and entertainment they make it seem like, oh, as soon as you say, ds, no longer.
• 44:56
  Ms Ru: Kink isn't even a like, bdsm Isn't even a mental health, isn't even listed as a mental health in the book anymore.
• 45:02
  Ms Ru: Used to be disorder.
• 45:04
  Julius: You mean yes, yes, it's no longer.
• 45:07
  Ms Ru: Yes a disorder.
• 45:08
  Julius: There's multiple therapists that are saying do BDSM to help be therapeutic?
• 45:14
  Ms Ru: It's not therapy, but it can be therapeutic yeah there's, but there's, there's therapists now subscribing yes.
• 45:20
  Julius: BDSM for therapeutic, because you're taking back that, the power.
• 45:24
  Julius: So yeah, that's that's, that's that's one of our myths that we should be putting that on a shirt.
• 45:31
  Julius: That's like one of our their models here.
• 45:33
  Julius: We got to make you know, put it out there in the world, that it's just because you say DS or whatever, it's not in non-monogamy just because you're not cheating.
• 45:40
  Julius: That's not.
• 45:41
  Julius: That's not how that works.
• 45:42
  Julius: All right.
• 45:43
  Julius: Myth number two it's all about sex.
• 45:47
  Ms Ru: No, I Can see why people think that.
• 45:50
  Ms Ru: How often do you do you see a BDSM or a kink porn that doesn't involve some kind of sexual component?
• 46:00
  Ms Ru: That's porn yeah exactly, but but what we have where else?
• 46:03
  Ms Ru: Even on on Websites that are more informational websites, even on like that life, it's still sex Oriented.
• 46:17
  Ms Ru: I mean it's sexy, it should be, but it doesn't mean it's only about that.
• 46:21
  Ms Ru: A.
• 46:23
  Julius: Lot of dick pics on there too.
• 46:24
  Ms Ru: Sexy.
• 46:25
  Ms Ru: Well, some of them, not all of them a lot though just because you have one doesn't mean you have to show it off.
• 46:30
  Ms Ru: I got.
• 46:31
  Julius: You say that one more time.
• 46:32
  Julius: You say that one more time for the people, I'm just saying oh my god, yeah, getting into the queer space.
• 46:38
  Julius: It's like okay, yeah, I mean a lot of dick pics too.
• 46:41
  Ms Ru: It's like I mean there's there's some pretty ones out there, but just because you have one doesn't mean everybody won't see it.
• 46:46
  Julius: Yeah, it's like that's the best thing you have to offer.
• 46:48
  Julius: Can I get some words or something?
• 46:50
  Julius: Give me like a little bit of an overview of what you're into.
• 46:53
  Julius: Tell me one hobby besides your penis.
• 46:54
  Julius: Like jacking off is not a hobby.
• 46:58
  Ms Ru: Everybody does it can be a hobby, oh god.
• 47:02
  Julius: Okay, so myth number three all DS relationships are open or polyamorous.
• 47:06
  Ms Ru: Once again, why are we trying this?
• 47:08
  Julius: It's a no to non-monogamy two separate things.
• 47:11
  Julius: Dynamics and non-monogamy are two separate things.
• 47:14
  Julius: Okay, so that's first platform, that it's toxic.
• 47:18
  Julius: Second platform that is tied to non-monogamy for some reason.
• 47:21
  Julius: It's all sex.
• 47:23
  Ms Ru: Which is why it's tied to non-monogamy, because you're you have multiple play partners.
• 47:28
  Julius: You must be fucking yes yeah, so has nothing to do with not monogamy.
• 47:33
  Julius: If you all listen into this podcast, we make a distinction between BSM kink and non-monogamy.
• 47:39
  Julius: It's different things.
• 47:40
  Julius: Goodness, so ridiculous.
• 47:44
  Julius: Okay, myth number four in DS relationships, the dominant works and the miss submissives stay at home and does all the housework.
• 47:53
  Ms Ru: Wow, that's a 1950s household, which is a whole different style of kink.
• 47:57
  Ms Ru: That is a lifestyle choice.
• 47:59
  Ms Ru: So that is a legitimate lifestyle choice you want to talk about the 1950s.
• 48:04
  Ms Ru: It's like a 1950s household right.
• 48:06
  Ms Ru: But that's not what All dominant submissive DS MS relationships are.
• 48:12
  Ms Ru: I know of some MS relationships where the slave is the one working and making all the money.
• 48:19
  Julius: I like that.
• 48:20
  Ms Ru: So I mean.
• 48:21
  Ms Ru: I like that kind of blows that out of that water.
• 48:24
  Ms Ru: But there is a 1950s Lifestyle out there that people subscribe to do you want to tell that?
• 48:35
  Julius: I mean think of the, the stereotypical night?
• 48:37
  Ms Ru: Oh, I guess they don't.
• 48:38
  Ms Ru: Stereotypical 1950s is where the man works outside the home and the woman works inside the home.
• 48:44
  Ms Ru: You know, the woman stays home, does all the cooking and the cleaning and the raising of the children and it's kind of like like I was raised in a 1950s household, like my grandparents were very 1950s, which I mean my mom was born in the 50s, so I get it.
• 48:59
  Ms Ru: It was literally they were a product of their era.
• 49:02
  Ms Ru: My grandfather worked outside of the house.
• 49:04
  Ms Ru: He made all of the money and my grandmother was a stay-at-home mom and took care of the house and my grandfather and and the family was gonna throw an old joke in there and I am old, I'm okay with that.
• 49:17
  Ms Ru: And so if it involved anything outside of the house the yard, the maintenance of the house, the car Working, any of that, it was my grandfather's he, he took care of all of that.
• 49:30
  Ms Ru: If it was inside the house cooking, cleaning kids, anything of that nature, decorating, you know, anything of that nature Then my grandmother took care of it, except for, like, grocery shopping.
• 49:47
  Ms Ru: My grandmother took care of grocery shopping, even though that was like outside the house, but I mean like anything, what they, what you would consider domestic laundry, all of that.
• 49:58
  Julius: Do you have any experience with the 1950s household kink and what that looks like?
• 50:02
  Ms Ru: exactly that's what it looks like is people are taking what used to be socially acceptable lifestyle.
• 50:09
  Ms Ru: What was the social norm?
• 50:11
  Ms Ru: And they, even though we we no longer live in that social norm.
• 50:15
  Ms Ru: We don't live in a social norm where it's a heterosexual male and a heterosexual female Family, where the male works outside the home and the female takes care of the house.
• 50:27
  Ms Ru: Our social norms aren't that anymore, so they will adopt the ideology of a 1950s house in today's day in time.
• 50:38
  Julius: Um and just a scene, or is it?
• 50:39
  Julius: Do you think that's a lifestyle thing?
• 50:41
  Ms Ru: I think it's a life I think they adopted as like a within their dynamic.
• 50:45
  Ms Ru: It's like their type of dynamic and how they operate.
• 50:48
  Julius: And I would like to see what the kink part of that see like a kink scene would look like.
• 50:52
  Ms Ru: No, I mean what they do in kink.
• 50:53
  Ms Ru: I mean they could probably kink like anybody else does, I mean, but they choose.
• 51:00
  Ms Ru: Their lifestyle is a 1950s household lifestyle that ends in sex.
• 51:05
  Ms Ru: I mean, I'm sure there's sex involved.
• 51:08
  Julius: Yeah, yeah I wonder, like I wonder, what that looks like.
• 51:11
  Julius: Um, okay, uh, let's see.
• 51:13
  Julius: And then, lastly, we have NDS relationships.
• 51:17
  Julius: The submissive has no say over how the relationship develops and is under complete control of the dominant.
• 51:23
  Ms Ru: Nope, and that's not even true in MS dynamics, because they don't get to the point that they are in an MS dynamic without negotiation.
• 51:33
  Ms Ru: So it's there is.
• 51:36
  Ms Ru: I guess the biggest myth is that I would say that's a common thread with all of these is that is, there's an assumption of immediate power because you're a dominant in A dynamic and so they.
• 51:50
  Ms Ru: The whole assumption of immediate power needs to be debunked and needs to be replaced with.
• 51:59
  Ms Ru: All of this can be appropriate.
• 52:01
  Ms Ru: All of this it can be done.
• 52:04
  Ms Ru: With the right negotiation, education, consent and experience.
• 52:10
  Ms Ru: It can be done, I see it, and very successful.
• 52:16
  Ms Ru: I just I just met a couple of this past weekend who is in a MS relationship, a property owner relationship, and has been for 20 years.
• 52:25
  Ms Ru: It can be done.
• 52:28
  Ms Ru: Doesn't mean it has to be.
• 52:30
  Ms Ru: Doesn't mean it defines a ds, it's just an aspect of a ds.
• 52:37
  Julius: And so for you, when you're fully in the ds, have the contract signed and everything do you still have negotiation and consent yes, even within the contract.
• 52:49
  Ms Ru: Now I won't Within the during the time frame of the contract, I will not negotiate the contract.
• 52:55
  Ms Ru: Okay, but you have negotiations oh yeah, I mean it's all in how you build it.
• 53:01
  Julius: Mm-hmm.
• 53:02
  Ms Ru: Now, if there's something in the contract that, like they just don't like anymore, is it detrimental to their well-being, life, work, family?
• 53:12
  Ms Ru: Is it detrimental like okay, this sounded really good, but in practice, like, wow, this needs to stop?
• 53:19
  Ms Ru: Now, that is absolutely doable.
• 53:22
  Ms Ru: Let's have that conversation.
• 53:24
  Ms Ru: Let's look at the why's.
• 53:25
  Ms Ru: Why did we want this?
• 53:26
  Ms Ru: What does it really look like?
• 53:28
  Julius: and would you stop that part before the contracts over?
• 53:31
  Ms Ru: Oh, I could, yeah, that you can always do that.
• 53:33
  Ms Ru: People don't understand people who are just like well, that's not what I pictured it to be.
• 53:39
  Ms Ru: It's not like maybe as glamorous or as fun, or you know.
• 53:43
  Ms Ru: This goes back to the last episode that sucks for you and your end date is such and such and We'll talk about that at the end date.
• 53:53
  Ms Ru: Like so, there's a difference between living in the suck and it actually being a detriment to an important aspect of your life.
• 54:02
  Julius: Everybody wants us to know what they want, without them saying anything.
• 54:05
  Ms Ru: You're just supposed to live that fantasy Is just supposed to happen with no work whatsoever.
• 54:09
  Ms Ru: I know, I know.
• 54:10
  Ms Ru: If only that drives me crazy when people just like.
• 54:14
  Julius: This is not what a picture it's like, well, of course it's not what you pictured.
• 54:18
  Ms Ru: What were you bait?
• 54:19
  Ms Ru: What was your model?
• 54:20
  Julius: with no conversation.
• 54:21
  Julius: What's so ever?
• 54:22
  Ms Ru: were you literally doing a pain by number, or were you just?
• 54:25
  Julius: free flowing, or like I mean, come on, it's the board, you know no, this is not, and that goes for both sides of the slash.
• 54:33
  Ms Ru: There's things that dominates are like hell, yeah, I want this, I want, I want this.
• 54:37
  Ms Ru: And then you're living in it and you're like wow, I should have never wanted that.
• 54:42
  Ms Ru: Like that's just not realistic.
• 54:45
  Julius: We all want head every day.
• 54:48
  Ms Ru: You want on a daily basis until you have the stomach flu, yep or covid or Nobody talks about this stuff.
• 55:00
  Ms Ru: Nobody talks about this stuff, or there's a death in the family?
• 55:03
  Ms Ru: Yeah, making funeral arrangements for grandma while meanwhile you're supposed to be giving like, come on, no Time and place.
• 55:17
  Julius: time and place.
• 55:17
  Julius: Yeah, so yeah, campsters.
• 55:19
  Julius: Oh goodness, there's so many things we just got to read.
• 55:20
  Julius: I feel like we got at least once a month.
• 55:22
  Julius: We just got to say these, these different things.
• 55:24
  Julius: Yeah, we got to get on our platformers again.
• 55:28
  Julius: We got to get out there.
• 55:30
  Ms Ru: We got to say these things.
• 55:31
  Ms Ru: You can we'll get there always have negotiation.
• 55:34
  Julius: You can always have consent.
• 55:36
  Ms Ru: Until you, until you choose not to, and that's Consensual, I agree to it.
• 55:45
  Julius: Until I stop agreeing to it, I can send to this enthusiastically oh man, yeah, these myths, these myths ones are all over the place.
• 55:53
  Ms Ru: Because it's like I love how they keep tying it to non monogamy.
• 55:59
  Julius: We're all in the same boat.
• 56:00
  Julius: We're all in the same boat.
• 56:01
  Ms Ru: I never realized the general masses did that.
• 56:05
  Julius: Yeah, this is.
• 56:06
  Julius: This is what's out there.
• 56:08
  Ms Ru: This is.
• 56:08
  Julius: This is why I wanted to start this, because it's craziness.
• 56:11
  Julius: I, I listen to the podcast and a lot of them are more famous people.
• 56:14
  Julius: They do tv and movies and stand up and all these different things and they have these assumptions and it's like no, no, I'm yelling at my screen and it's all here, you see it now yeah.
• 56:25
  Julius: You, you see it now.
• 56:27
  Julius: I would send you clips, but you don't watch the clips.
• 56:29
  Ms Ru: No, I don't watch them, but I can say it here and I can see your reaction by reaction.
• 56:33
  Julius: But yeah, this is the stuff I've been doing even before.
• 56:35
  Julius: I just wanted to finally do the podcast.
• 56:38
  Julius: It's like this stuff right here is out there in the general media and you have famous people.
• 56:44
  Ms Ru: Famous people Patruity yeah.
• 56:46
  Julius: And then that's not even the worst part, because they're not saying I'm educated in this thing, I'm not an educator, I haven't done any research whatsoever.
• 56:53
  Julius: They make jokes about it because it's common stereotypes, but then the people listening like, oh, that's how it is.
• 57:00
  Julius: It's like no, you know how many times I see something.
• 57:05
  Julius: Some famous person will bring up polyamory or something on a podcast and people are like, oh, this is just cheating.
• 57:10
  Julius: And then people in the comments are like I knew this one couple and they had a polyamorous relationship and they ended up dead.
• 57:16
  Julius: Yeah, and everybody's like, yeah, me too.
• 57:18
  Julius: Yeah, yeah.
• 57:20
  Ms Ru: No education is happening.
• 57:21
  Julius: No education is happening and now you've got like porn stars and only fans talking about their relationships.
• 57:25
  Julius: They have sex parties every weekend and they're polyamorous.
• 57:29
  Ms Ru: Which is good for them More power to them.
• 57:32
  Julius: And they're not saying they're educators.
• 57:33
  Julius: But then the people are like yeah, there's cheaters, or like the host is on there, like I don't know anything about that.
• 57:38
  Julius: I'm very vanilla, but what you're saying must be true, because I know nothing about it, but you live it.
• 57:42
  Julius: But none of them said they were educators.
• 57:45
  Julius: They just lived the lifestyle.
• 57:47
  Ms Ru: Well, most educators don't say they're educators.
• 57:49
  Julius: That's true, and the people that aren't educators don't say they're educators either.
• 57:53
  Julius: But people take their word as they are educators.
• 57:59
  Ms Ru: It's like driving me crazy.
• 58:00
  Ms Ru: Anybody and well, that goes back to social capital, anybody with a platform is assumed to know what they're talking about, or else you wouldn't have a platform.
• 58:08
  Julius: And it's just funny.
• 58:09
  Julius: Yeah, and it's just funny because you'll have somebody.
• 58:11
  Julius: Literally I was a podcast and the person that had the podcast made a note of this.
• 58:16
  Julius: They'd like I made a post of me stuffing my pants and it looked like I had a big dick, and then the next comment down like after a couple of ha.
• 58:26
  Julius: That's funny.
• 58:26
  Julius: Somebody was like what are your thoughts on Jerusalem?
• 58:28
  Julius: And then, and then Right.
• 58:31
  Julius: It's like the guy was like I just made a joke, I posted that I had a big dick and you were asking me what I think about the political conflict in the Middle East.
• 58:39
  Julius: Like that doesn't make any sense?
• 58:41
  Ms Ru: Yeah, none of this makes any sense.
• 58:44
  Julius: It's the same thing, like why are you asking comedians about politics when they're not having nothing to do with it?
• 58:48
  Julius: But yeah, that's why we're here at Campsters.
• 58:51
  Julius: We're going to keep yelling out into the void.
• 58:53
  Julius: Hopefully somebody's listening and hopefully you learned something today on our podcast.
• 58:58
  Julius: Once again, we are educating people with our experiences and our knowledge.
• 59:03
  Julius: A little bit of entertainment here on around the kinky campfire.
• 59:08
  Julius: Hope you laughed and I hope you learned something and you took something away from this.
• 59:12
  Julius: And always be consensual.
• 59:14
  Julius: Good Lord, almighty.
• 59:15
  Julius: Always have a conversation, always negotiate.
• 59:17
  Julius: Assumptions are terrible.
• 59:19
  Julius: Stop doing that.
• 59:20
  Julius: Have a conversation with people.
• 59:22
  Julius: Nobody can read minds.
• 59:22
  Julius: There's no ESPN here.
• 59:24
  Julius: It's not real.
• 59:24
  Julius: That's sports.
• 59:25
  Julius: Yes, it's good.
• 59:27
  Julius: Yeah, wow, we're not a sports podcast.
• 59:30
  Julius: So, yeah, it works because it's no ESPN Psychics aren't real.
• 59:33
  Ms Ru: This is me banging my head on the microphone.
• 59:36
  Julius: People can't read minds.
• 59:37
  Julius: I don't understand this.
• 59:38
  Julius: Why do we have these assumptions?
• 59:39
  Julius: Why is it a normal thing?
• 59:40
  Julius: Okay, so this has been around the kinky campfire.
• 59:45
  Julius: This has been another myth busted episode.
• 59:48
  Julius: We're banging our heads.
• 59:49
  Julius: Catch us more.
• 59:50
  Julius: In this series we're probably going to keep banging our heads and keep saying the same thing over and over again.
• 59:53
  Julius: I'm seeing, now that we start doing this more, a lot of things are like tying in together.
• 59:57
  Julius: Hopefully we can keep it entertaining for y'all, but you're going to always tell us what you think if you come to Campfire Kinksters.
• 1:00:05
  Julius: On Instagram.
• 1:00:06
  Julius: We still have no subscribers, but hopefully sometime in 2024 we will.
• 1:00:10
  Julius: It'll be a landmark episode we actually have one.
• 1:00:14
  Julius: But, yeah, let us know if you agree or disagree, we can talk about it.
• 1:00:18
  Julius: You don't have to agree or disagree, but you're here listening, so it must mean something.
• 1:00:23
  Julius: So let us know what you think and we'll be here every second and fourth Thursdays of the month on all major platforms.
• 1:00:31
  Julius: Yeah, right now, this is after the pod fest.
• 1:00:36
  Julius: We had a good time.
• 1:00:37
  Ms Ru: Amazing.
• 1:00:38
  Ms Ru: I saw Rue there a bunch of times.
• 1:00:39
  Ms Ru: We took some pictures.
• 1:00:40
  Ms Ru: Oh, there's a good place.
• 1:00:41
  Julius: You got our next down, so I hope you enjoyed that part of it.
• 1:00:44
  Julius: We both have nice booties.
• 1:00:47
  Julius: Just FYI, I just you know.
• 1:00:48
  Ms Ru: Mine's amazing.
• 1:00:49
  Ms Ru: Thank you.
• 1:00:49
  Julius: I want to pat myself on the back as well, so hopefully you enjoyed that, but that's it for now.
• 1:00:54
  Julius: This is true, and I forgot who I was.
• 1:00:58
  Ms Ru: Sterling something.
• 1:00:59
  Julius: Nope, that was last episode Loan Move for Crade.
• 1:01:02
  Julius: I forgot what movie it was, but anyways, or you can just call me Julius, that's what.
• 1:01:06
  Ms Ru: I'll be.
• 1:01:07
  Julius: If you see me in person wearing all my different things, I have a nice, very nice vest.
• 1:01:11
  Julius: You'll see in the picture.
• 1:01:12
  Julius: Hopefully Catch you next time, Goodbye.
• 1:01:32
  Ms Ru: Bye honey.