Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Why Your Wife Promises Sex That Doesn't Happen

Transcript

Why Your Wife Promises Sex That Doesn't Happen · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor psych.
• 0:08
  Mom, show. Today, we're going to talk about
• 0:10
  why your wife promises sex that she doesn't give you.
• 0:13
  And so is a common sort of complaint from men that I hear
• 0:18
  and they don't really understand it and I can help you understand
• 0:21
  it pretty readily before that though, please do subscribe
• 0:26
  because I have loads of subscriber episodes that are
• 0:28
  great. The most recent is wide to get
• 0:30
  to a place of acceptance before you divorce.
• 0:33
  So moving forward. There's I mean there's there's
• 0:37
  only so many ways. I could tell you about the most
• 0:38
  recent podcast episode of subscriber episodes.
• 0:42
  I mean, there's loads of others too, but I mean, I just kind of
• 0:44
  got sick of telling you you got to.
• 0:46
  It's just one of those things you got to experience it for
• 0:49
  yourself. You just have to subscribe and
• 0:51
  then see the plethora of wonderful episodes that are then
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  at your fingertips. So, today we want to dispel the
• 1:00
  myth that women are somehow worse than men, because they
• 1:02
  promised something that they don't give and And Men, of
• 1:05
  course, would never. What are we talking about?
• 1:08
  Of course, they do the same thing, think about it.
• 1:10
  How many times has your wife said to you?
• 1:12
  You know what I think would be really nice hitting.
• 1:14
  Be really nice. If we did more date night or
• 1:17
  something and then you're like, oh yeah, I'll be really nice
• 1:21
  week goes by two weeks, go by, like she is hoping that the next
• 1:27
  morning, you're going to tell her.
• 1:29
  Oh, I plan something for Friday. Literally, that really, she's
• 1:33
  thinking that like, if you think that's Easy.
• 1:35
  That's just the same thing as what she's doing a woman when
• 1:40
  you think that she says, we should do more danites, or we
• 1:44
  should enroll the kids in more activities, or we should really
• 1:47
  hang out with. So and so, whatever.
• 1:50
  Couple down the street more, or we should really organize the
• 1:54
  garage, or we need to clean this kitchen, because I saw ants the
• 1:59
  other day or we need to get the kids new backpacks.
• 2:02
  Look at these backpacks or whatever the fuck.
• 2:04
  She says and then you say oh yeah sure I understand right
• 2:09
  because you're supposed to say that you're validating it of
• 2:12
  course it's really not that important to you.
• 2:13
  You think about the kids backpacks approximately less
• 2:16
  than never. So this shit doesn't really, you
• 2:19
  know, matter to you. So, in the moment you're
• 2:22
  thinking about it, you're trying to be a good guy, a couple down
• 2:24
  the street. You could probably care if they
• 2:26
  live or die, but she wants to hang out with them.
• 2:28
  All right. Okay, sure.
• 2:30
  If they were literally in front of your face asking to hang out,
• 2:33
  you would say yes. Otherwise, You think about them?
• 2:35
  Not at all? When your wife, brings it up,
• 2:38
  sounds like a good idea. Okay, she's smiling.
• 2:41
  That's always good. Agree.
• 2:42
  Fine. Does that sound like something?
• 2:44
  You give a shit about either way?
• 2:45
  No. But does she have to know that
• 2:47
  know you're trying to be a nice guy?
• 2:50
  It is exactly the same thing. When she talks about sex, you've
• 2:54
  complained that you aren't sexual enough in the
• 2:57
  relationship. You say you want her to initiate
• 3:00
  and be flirtatious. Does she really understand this
• 3:03
  shit? Not really, she has.
• 3:04
  The sex drive of like an armoire, you know?
• 3:07
  I mean she feels approximately never that she would like love
• 3:12
  to hook up with you later but she knows that this is some
• 3:15
  flirtatious type of shit that you want her to say.
• 3:18
  So when she's feeling good she's going to say it.
• 3:22
  There is approximately 0 continuity between what she says
• 3:27
  and what she's gonna do the same way as when you say oh yeah,
• 3:31
  definitely we should go to fall festivals more.
• 3:34
  That does not mean that your ass is on the internet scouring.
• 3:37
  The next fall festival in your area, and if you're the type of
• 3:41
  person, the sort of parenthetical covertly
• 3:45
  narcissistic and parentheses person that thinks, oh yes,
• 3:49
  every single thing that my wife has ever mentioned, I have
• 3:51
  gotten upon that forthwith. I have immediately made every
• 3:55
  plan that she has ever discussed.
• 3:57
  Yeah, right. Yeah, right.
• 3:59
  You're not a perfect person. Looking at yourself.
• 4:01
  You don't even know the things that you don't know.
• 4:04
  Like, Nobody does. So if I asked your wife, she
• 4:06
  could have a list of a million things that you don't do, you
• 4:10
  know, that you have conveyed to her that you will do, but you've
• 4:13
  just not, you know, and those things are so unimportant to you
• 4:17
  and they do not rise to the level of anything that you
• 4:19
  remember, because definitionally, they are not
• 4:23
  important to you so you don't remember them.
• 4:25
  And that's exactly how she feels about it when she texts you
• 4:28
  during the day. Oh, I can't wait till you get
• 4:31
  home later, so we can go to bed. She thinks, oh, this is the
• 4:34
  thing. Wants me to do.
• 4:36
  I'm being a good wife, you know, I feel good about him.
• 4:39
  So I'm going to flirt women that have a low sex drive or even a
• 4:43
  high sex drive. That is responsive desire.
• 4:46
  They are still not men. They do not understand that in
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  your mind. That is a narrative of something
• 4:54
  that will transpire later. It is not in that bucket of a
• 4:59
  commitment or a description of later events, it is called
• 5:03
  flirting. And you've also said, you want
• 5:06
  her to flirt an initiator. You've conveyed that so that's
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  what she thinks that she is doing.
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  It is in a totally different category.
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  It's the same as your category of being agreeable, when my wife
• 5:19
  talks, so when she's sitting there saying, I want to go to
• 5:22
  the fall festivals. I want to clean out the garage.
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  I think we should paint this house, a different color,
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  whatever you are trying to be nice and agreeable.
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  That is the bucket that that that you are.
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  Rising your responses into you are not saying by saying, oh
• 5:40
  yes, you're right. I am signing a contract with my
• 5:44
  words and I will begin to paint the house this evening.
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  You're not saying that but she stupidly just like your stupid
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  in the same regard with the text messages, you know, she thinks
• 5:57
  you will. So then people come in to
• 5:59
  couples counseling and the woman will say something like and he
• 6:03
  said that we could Could renovate the basement.
• 6:06
  He told me that last year and he still not done it and he's like,
• 6:09
  what what are you talking about? And she's like, no, I remember
• 6:12
  where we were standing. It was 11:45 a.m.
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  I said, we should renovate the basement.
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  That it could be a nice play area for the children and you
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  said, yes, we should. And I said it would be a good
• 6:21
  time to start that over spring break.
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  And you said, yes, it would and spring break came and went and
• 6:26
  nothing happened to the basement.
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  And I think about this 14 times every day, That is how she feels
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  about you doing an offhand agreeable.
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  Comment, that really was absolutely no contract in your
• 6:39
  mind. That is how it is.
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  When she says, oh, I can't wait to go to bed with you later.
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  That is in the bucket of flirting.
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  It is something that she is saying.
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  In order to be a good wife, she has no idea that you think that
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  this is some sort of promise or commitment, zero idea when women
• 6:58
  hear this, they are astonished. Goes against everything that
• 7:02
  they thought. They thought that the flirtation
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  is saying, I want to do XYZ. Remember women are much more
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  frequently, words of affirmation people, and men are physical
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  touch people. So the man is linked in these
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  words of affirmation are good because they are the signifier
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  of some physical touch that will transpire.
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  But the woman is thinking because she is a words of
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  affirmation person, aren't I being a good wife?
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  Doing these words of affirmation with my words, I am telling him
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  that he is attractive by conveying that I want to have
• 7:39
  sex with an even if I don't want to right now.
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  And I know if any, you know, with any past evening in the
• 7:46
  past, 10 years is any indicator. I will not want to do that
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  either, but I am flirting with him and being nice and a good
• 7:53
  wife by saying something like, oh, you looked handsome today.
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  I can't wait to be with you later.
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  She has no idea that you believe.
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  That there is some sort of contract that is being signed by
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  that text message that she will have sex with you later.
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  She has zero idea if you tell her it's going to be a mind.
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  Fuck. So I obviously suggest that you
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  tell her but not only should you tell her but you should ask what
• 8:15
  are things like that that you do?
• 8:17
  You should say, I have realized that we probably think about
• 8:20
  these flirtatious text messages a lot differently, you know?
• 8:24
  And and I've always and this is going to surprise you.
• 8:27
  But for all these years, when you say something about seeing
• 8:30
  Emulator. And that we're going to go to
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  bed later. I actually every time I'm
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  counting down the hours until we do whatever you said we're going
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  to do. I literally think that it's
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  going to happen and I have started to realize that since
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  you're not a mean person you're not a mean person.
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  You're she's not somebody that says to the kids.
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  Hey kids get in the car. We're going to go get ice cream
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  and then decides instead we're not, right?
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  She doesn't do that. She understands what it would be
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  to promise something and not deliver, but she doesn't have
• 9:00
  those. Words in the bucket of a
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  promise, she has it in the bucket of flirtation.
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  So then you say I have realized that since you're not a mean
• 9:07
  person who tends to break promises regularly and this is
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  the only one I could really think of that you do.
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  You must not think of it as an explicit promise in the way that
• 9:17
  I do. So I'm trying to think like
• 9:20
  about it differently and and is that right?
• 9:23
  Do you mostly do it as flirting, you know?
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  And if in another case where you feel sexually excited during the
• 9:30
  day and you just stop feeling that way at night, which is, you
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  know, younger women feel like that when you know, everything
• 9:38
  is based on age, monogamy, kids, whatever.
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  But there are a lot of women that I see that do feel more
• 9:45
  sexually aroused able because they're relaxed and stuff during
• 9:49
  the day, when the kids aren't in the house.
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  And so that's when they send their text messages and
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  basically what they're saying is I'm horny right now and if the
• 9:55
  man were to teleport over, she would have sex with him but he
• 9:59
  thinks that she's still going to be feeling like Later because he
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  thinks she's like a man man feels horny at 12.
• 10:03
  P.m. feels horny at 2 p.m. feel horny at 4 p.m. 6 p.m. 8 p.m.
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  you know so forth. You wake him up at 2 a.m. he's
• 10:10
  horny again so it's like he doesn't really understand what
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  it would be like to have, you know, so little testosterone as
• 10:17
  I continually tell you, testosterone peaks at 6 a.m. but
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  when you got pretty much none because you're a female then by
• 10:24
  6 p.m. there 0 whereas for a man it Peaks at 6 a.m. by 6:00 p.m.
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  it's a little less but it's kind of negligence.
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  Able, especially when you're younger but there are some women
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  that are not putting it fully in the bucket of flirtation.
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  It's an announcement that they are currently wanting to have
• 10:40
  sex, they're ovulating, they're relaxed.
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  You know, maybe this is the time of day that they masturbate a
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  lot of women lay down in the middle of the day and they do
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  that to relax and go to sleep. Take a nap, you know, that that
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  seems to be the sex life of some women is that because they don't
• 10:54
  really enjoy sex with the guy because of all the one zillion
• 10:57
  reasons I've told you all basically the guy only To do it
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  at night when they're exhausted, there's no foreplay and they
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  feel disconnected to them if they still feel like any
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  physiological sexual arousal, it happens in the middle of the day
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  so that's when they text the guy so there's there's really two
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  types of women. Most women are just doing it as
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  flirtation. So you want to figure out which
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  one your wife is and some women are doing it as an announcement
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  that at this time of day. During this time of the cycle is
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  when they do feel arousal. So you know, you could be around
• 11:29
  during that. Time if you understood that,
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  that's what that was. So you can say, I realized that
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  you might be flirting but also it might be that that time of
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  the day is just when you want to have sex, which one is it?
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  And she'll say one or the other and then you can actually, you
• 11:44
  know, change what you do and how you think which is the point of
• 11:48
  epiphanies and introspection. You could say for example if
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  she's a flirtatious type you know that's why she's doing it,
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  you could say I don't really find that flirtatious, I find it
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  to be something that I then think is going to happen.
• 12:01
  So then you could decide it's a fork in the road for you.
• 12:04
  You can either decide to tell her not to do it anymore, but
• 12:07
  that might take something away from your life or you can say,
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  I'm going to rethink it. And when you say stuff like
• 12:11
  that, I'm just going to flirt with you back, you know, so that
• 12:15
  I don't end up resenting you. Because I think that you're, you
• 12:17
  know, telling me to go in the car, taking me out for ice
• 12:19
  cream. And instead you just drive me
• 12:20
  back home or if she is actually saying, no, actually I'm kind of
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  telling you that that is what I'm laying down and feeling like
• 12:29
  excited. That's the kids nap.
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  That's like basically my chance to feel like myself and
• 12:33
  sometimes I do feel horny then then you could say, well then
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  I'm going to rearrange my schedule a couple days out of
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  the week. And that's when we are going to
• 12:40
  meet up in the bedroom and that could be helpful because a lot
• 12:43
  of women will have sex in the afternoon and that's pretty much
• 12:46
  the only time because they don't listen to my morning time and
• 12:49
  also there's a lot of women whose husbands don't help in the
• 12:51
  morning. So if you're a man who does not
• 12:53
  help with the kids in the morning, why the hell would you
• 12:55
  expect to get laid in the morning?
• 12:56
  She has to do all the shit for the kids.
• 12:58
  If you want to get laid in the morning, why don't you try to
• 13:00
  take over? Were all the shit for the kids.
• 13:02
  So you know I mean just just make sense but the the point is
• 13:07
  having this discussion in and of itself would probably make you
• 13:09
  ten thousand times closer. As I talk about all the time,
• 13:13
  people need to talk to one another openly about sex.
• 13:16
  If they expect to have a better sex life within their intimate
• 13:18
  relationship, you have to be open honest and authentic.
• 13:22
  And, and this instead of mind reading, you know, and assuming
• 13:26
  that like, your wife is toying with you or she sumbitch or she
• 13:29
  just has no empathy. You should also continue the
• 13:32
  conversation by the way to say. I've realized that I might do
• 13:35
  the same thing without realizing it.
• 13:37
  Such as when you say stuff, like, boy would be nice if this
• 13:41
  weekend we went to a fall festival and I say, oh yeah.
• 13:44
  And then I never ever bring it up again.
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  When you may be waiting for me, let's say to do it because
• 13:50
  otherwise you think that, I wouldn't really like it, you
• 13:52
  know, because I soak through it or I say should be watching
• 13:55
  football. And so you would be meaningful
• 13:57
  to you if I initiated the Fall Festival at night after saying,
• 13:59
  yes, that's a good idea. Yeah, the same as it would be
• 14:01
  meaningful to me if you initiated sex in the evening
• 14:04
  after flirting with me on text. In the afternoon, if you come to
• 14:09
  your wife is some shit that you're doing wrong.
• 14:11
  It will always go. Well I mean 100% of the time it
• 14:16
  goes better when you can say here's something that I am doing
• 14:19
  wrong. Not just oh, I found something.
• 14:21
  You are doing well, I mean think about it.
• 14:22
  That's just human nature. People.
• 14:24
  More responsive to hearing other people be vulnerable and to
• 14:28
  admit blame then to be attacked. Selves.
• 14:31
  So what did you learn from this podcast?
• 14:33
  First of all, your wife is not an unfeeling monster.
• 14:35
  She thinks about sexual comments in a completely different
• 14:38
  category than you do for her. This is verbal flirtation that
• 14:42
  is making you feel good. In your mind, it is making you
• 14:44
  feel worse. Because it is, it is a
• 14:47
  contractual offer that is then being rescinded.
• 14:50
  She does not even honestly, most of the time, remember, 10
• 14:54
  minutes after the flirtatious conversation is done.
• 14:57
  She feels nothing but a little warm glow because ironically She
• 15:01
  think she was a good wife by texting you.
• 15:03
  Those sorts of things that you like, because you've made it
• 15:06
  clear that you like sex in general.
• 15:08
  So, she's thinking well, I can't have actual sex right now.
• 15:10
  We're probably later but you know what I can do is I can
• 15:13
  flirt with him seems to like that that what I would like
• 15:16
  flirting and my love language. And in fact, it's so funny
• 15:19
  because some women are actually doing this to be a better wife
• 15:21
  and they're ending up making the marriage worse because the guy
• 15:25
  takes it as a breach of contract.
• 15:27
  When their mind, they're just trying to be fun and flirty So
• 15:32
  have the conversation with your wife because she does not
• 15:34
  understand how you think of it and you probably don't
• 15:36
  understand how she thinks of it in a best-case scenario.
• 15:39
  You could feel less bitterness and resentment.
• 15:42
  Actually there's even better case scenario where she's like,
• 15:44
  no, a 2 p.m. is the only time of the day when I can even
• 15:48
  visualize having sex. Because that's when you know the
• 15:50
  baby goes down and if you were around we would have sex ed.
• 15:54
  But you're not you know, and you could be like oh I guess I
• 15:57
  should start working earlier in the day so that I could take a
• 16:00
  break from 2. 03, that would be great.
• 16:02
  You know, people actually come to these sorts of compromises
• 16:05
  but they can't come to them out of the Clear Blue Sky.
• 16:07
  They have to come to them after discussion.
• 16:10
  So hopefully this podcast allowed you to think about your
• 16:13
  wife in a different way, with less animosity, with more
• 16:15
  understanding with an increased ability to perspective take and
• 16:19
  gives you a little bit of a template for conversation that
• 16:21
  you could potentially have that will lead to increased
• 16:24
  perspective, taking and empathy on both sides, which is always
• 16:27
  the Hallmark of a healthy relationship, all right.
• 16:31
  I'll talk to you soon. Bye, bye.