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Becoming Anchored S1E5: Practicing Authenticity in Everyday Life · Becoming Anchored

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Hey guys, welcome back to the Becoming Anchor podcast.
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So glad that you're here with us today.
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Uh, just to reintroduce ourselves, I'm Lauren Jackson and this is Laura Denine.
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We're two therapists in the Britwood area, um, just south of Nashville.
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We, um.
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Work in a group private practice, uh, with eight other therapists.
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We adore what we do.
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Um, we see all kinds of different presentations all through the
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lifespan and, um, we really are just so glad to be here and kind of
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expanding our reach a little bit.
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So, welcome and, um, hope you enjoyed today's episode.
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Yeah, thanks Lauren.
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So today we are gonna be talking about practicing authenticity
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in our everyday lives.
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Um, this is actually one of my values that really guides the decisions that I
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make and how I choose to spend my time and who I choose to spend my time with.
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So I love the idea of.
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Practicing authenticity.
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Um, here on the podcast, we're all about first and foremost
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being real with you guys.
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Um, we are humans before we are therapists, and so we really
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are just here to share our real life stories and experiences.
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Of course.
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We can also offer that therapeutic lens of some of the wisdom that we've
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gleaned over the years in practice.
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Um, but yeah, we're here to just do this life with y'all and to share,
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um, from an honest, authentic place.
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So that's really the purpose of the Becoming Anchored podcast.
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If you're here for the first time, um, Lauren and I'll both be sharing
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about our experiences and then at the end of every episode, we.
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Are going to be giving y'all an affirmation along with further homework
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that you can be working on just to further your own, um, kind of experience and
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introspection, um, and hopefully a chance for each of you to practice authenticity.
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Yeah, thanks Laura.
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A quick disclaimer, so we say this at every episode, um, but this is really
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meant for informational purposes only.
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This isn't meant to, um, be therapy in any way or replace your therapy.
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Um, so if as you're listening you find that you would benefit from
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your own personal therapy journey.
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Either reach out to us, we'd love to work with you, or, um, if you're not
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local, find somebody local near you.
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Gosh, I remember the first, one of the first sessions I had with.
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My therapist who treated me actually for my eating disorder, gosh, I wanna say
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12 or 13 years ago now, I'll always hold such a special place in my heart for her.
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Um, and I remember she looked at me and she was like, what are your values?
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And I remember thinking, what is a value?
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Um, and then we did some values work.
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It's actually a wonderful part of acceptance, commitment therapy.
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And I didn't know that then, but that's what we were doing.
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And, um.
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I really honed in on this value of authenticity as being
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one of my top five values.
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Um, and I can't remember all the ins and outs of what led me to choose that
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as one of my top five values, but I do remember that process and that was so
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formative for my therapeutic journey.
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Um, I know that what I was trying to achieve through my body or.
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Through the eating disorder did not feel authentic.
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And so I know that part of my recovery process was practicing authenticity
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and showing up well, both for myself and other people in a way that was like
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honest and true to my authentic self.
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Um, so yeah, when I, when I thought about doing this episode, I was like, oh gosh, I
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have to share that story just because that was such a formative time in my life when
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I identified the value of authenticity.
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Um.
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So I love the topic of authenticity.
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There's so many things that I could say about authenticity that I think you guys
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would probably resonate with as listeners.
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So Lauren, I don't know if you have any story like that or if something
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comes to mind for you when you think about the word authenticity, um,
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and what it actually means for you.
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I'd love to hear your working definition of it.
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The most basic thing that comes to mind that perhaps
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some of us would feel is like.
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A bit cliché is being yourself, right?
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And, and then that kind of begs the question, well what does that mean?
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And how do we know who we are?
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And, um, I think one of the things that feels significant, um, to
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myself as a therapist and just my therapeutic style, if you will, is um.
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That being pretty foundational in the work that I'm doing with my clients,
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whatever the, whatever they're presenting with and whatever the goals
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are and the work is that we're doing.
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Really ultimately, my, my goal and kind of hope for my clients is, is
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to help them come back to themselves.
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So when I think of authenticity, that's, I, I think of coming back to self.
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Uh, and then again, that begs the question, what does that mean?
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Right?
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And that that means a lot of different things for a lot of different people.
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And, um, so, so other words that come to mind are core self, um, you know,
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uh, uh, I don't know, inner self.
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Um, the part of us that is unchanging.
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Um, and all of those things are, um, particularly as adults.
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And if you're not an adult and you're listening, that's okay.
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And if you are great, um, part of our adulthood I think means probably
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for most of us to some extent.
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I don't wanna over generalize too much, but that probably means being, um.
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Uh, kind of a little bit far away from maybe core self, inner self, authentic
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self because life, like, because of the things that we experience in life
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that are painful and that hurt us and that maybe traumatize us, um, because
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we're human, because we walk through life and things happen that hurt us.
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That tends to grow distance between authentic core self and
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the ways that we kind of show up and operate in our day-to-day life.
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So learning to live authentically as an adult can be really, really hard.
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Um, so that was all kind of this a big thing that I just said.
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I know your question was, what does, what does authenticity mean to you?
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So.
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Long story short, I feel like it means coming back to self, coming
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back to core self and, and with a caveat of that can be really,
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really hard to do as an adult still.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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There's a therapy that I know that you are really, really used frequently.
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I, I definitely use some of it as well, but it's called Internal Family
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Systems, and as you were talking, what stood out to me was this idea of these.
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What we call protector parts.
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So these parts of ourselves that develop really from a young age and.
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They're protectors because we think falsely right?
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We falsely think that they will protect us from experiencing pain or shame or
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hurt or fear or whatever it might be.
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And so, uh, when, when you said that that came to that therapeutic style came to me
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or that, that therapeutic modality just in all of these parts that we develop to.
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Kind of hide our true selves, if that makes sense to y'all.
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Um, and I know that you can speak a little bit more to internal family systems as you
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practice it quite frequently with clients.
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Um, but when I think about my own parts that prevent me from being
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authentic or that have prevented me in the past from being authentic,
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a couple things are coming to mind.
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So one is image management.
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So what I mean by that is it's the part of me that thinks that
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I need to appear a certain way.
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So for those of y'all that are.
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You know, Enneagram gurus, I'm a three on the Enneagram, so threes can
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also struggle with this, but this, how are other people perceiving me?
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And so when I'm in a place of unhealth, caring more about that versus what my
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values are or what I actually believe, and knowing why I believe those things
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can be become more important to me.
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And that can actually prevent me from living from a place of authenticity.
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Um, so the image management really sticks out to me.
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In terms of something that gets in the way of me practicing authenticity.
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The good news though, is I've done quite a bit of therapy at this point, and I'm
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by no means perfect at it, but when it's happening, I know that it's happening
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and I know, okay, how can I catch it?
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What do I need to do to get to kind of quiet this part?
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What does this part need?
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Does it need comfort?
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Does it need, um, does it, do I just need to name that it's there and that I'm
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trying to image manage myself right now?
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Um.
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And can I risk putting my true self out there, even if that means I'm
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not accepted, even if that means that not everyone loves me, even if that
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means that it feels really vulnerable.
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Um, so yeah, that therapy, if you guys haven't heard of it, look into it.
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It's a wonderful modality, internal family systems.
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Um, but I think of these protector parts, so to speak, in air
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quotations that get in the way of.
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Us practicing authenticity.
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And for me, image management, you could also call it like perfectionism.
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Um, get in the way of practicing authenticity.
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Yeah.
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I, oh my gosh.
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I can say, uh, so many things are like coming up and popping
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in my head as you're talking.
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Sure.
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Um, I, so when it comes to, you know, living authentically, living
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an authentic life, showing up authentically in relationships.
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Um, two, two kind of models of therapy come up for me when I'm
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thinking about like working with a client as we're like strengthening
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their ability to do this or whatever.
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Um, and those are IFS and act.
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So internal family systems like Laura was mentioning, and then act
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acceptance and commitment therapy.
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So I, I, I feel like, you know, when it comes to finding our authentic self,
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connecting with our authentic self, there's some, like, there are several
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different, perhaps, I don't know, steps is the right word, or ingredients or
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skills or whatnot that kind of are really important to put into place to help make.
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The movement back to self the most, I don't know, like effective or
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insert whatever word you want there.
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Um, so some of those things being first just having awareness, just, you know, in
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internal awareness, insight into like your internal process of feelings and emotions
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and thoughts and physical sensations.
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And then yeah, having awareness of your values.
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Right.
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And just kind of circling back around to the values work piece of things.
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I was actually with a client once and we were doing some act work.
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We were just talking about values and she, I, I bet this can resonate with,
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with some, a lot of you guys listening.
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I know it came for me.
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She was struggling with knowing what she valued and she felt a lot of shame.
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For that.
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Um, she, she felt like she should know what she values as an adult,
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as an, as an almost thirty-year-old.
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She felt like she hadn't put in the work to, to really have awareness of that.
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And so, um, we kind of back backed up a little bit and first really just validated
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A, That makes a lot of sense because.
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I don't know if we, you know, are spending a lot of time every day
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making lists of our values and thinking about that in a really, you
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know, in-depth, introspective way.
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I don't do that every day and B, the word value and, and knowing what we
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value or having values seems like this.
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Kind of obvious thing.
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And it's really, really, really hard work to know what you got.
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Like, it's, it's hard.
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It can be really hard, deep, uncomfortable work to do.
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And so those two things felt really important in that moment to, um,
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name and highlight for her and, and.
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I, because I resonated with it even when and when she was going
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through that process in the session.
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And I can imagine that that would perhaps be an experience that
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some people have listening here.
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So, so yeah, identifying, um, or first having awareness and then, and
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then doing some values work around identifying what your values are.
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And then, like Laura said, um, figuring out maybe what is getting in the way of.
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You living in those values that you do have.
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Um, and if we're looking at that from kind of the IFS lens or that
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model, then typically what does get in the way are these parts of us.
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Like Laura said, that are trying really hard to protect us from feeling
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pain and from hurting and from really anything that we have experienced in
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life up until now that has caused some kind of rupture or some kind of harm.
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Um, so it's really quite a clever thing that our bodies do to try and help us.
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Feel okay and feel safe.
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And then what we find as adults is that, um, they, these, these parts of us,
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um, actually kind of get in the way a little bit more than they are helpful.
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Um, I.
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And so within IFS internal family system, so we call this parts
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language and, um, these parts of us that protect, they're either our
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firefighter parts or our manager parts.
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And these two different parts, we, we don't have to get into all the
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nitty-gritty of it, but essentially, yeah, they, they are kind of these
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overdeveloped is what we call it, dysfunctional parts that, that wanna
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protect us and swoop in and save the day.
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And, um.
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For a while.
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They work for a while.
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It does.
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They do help until, until we start seeing how they don't, until we start
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realizing, oh, I'm, I'm showing up in all of these places in my life so
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far from being like true to myself.
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I'm, I'm just such this people pleaser and I bend over backwards for everyone and I
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just find at the end of every day I am.
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So just, um.
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Just exhausted and I'm so wiped and I have no energy and I'm completely
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drained because I've just been doing everything everybody else wants me to
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do and I've completely ignored myself.
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We kind of come to these, this kind of crossroads of, um, okay,
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now something's gotta change.
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And that's usually what we see people come in our office.
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Um, and then we started this kind of work with them.
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And so, um, so, so yeah, just identifying what is getting in the way of.
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Of being authentic, living in those values.
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So then within the ACT world, the Acceptance and commitment therapy
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world, we identify those values.
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Um, and again, we, we are figuring out what is getting in the way of
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us living in those values and that we're, we're, we're establishing, um.
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Uh, really practical, like action steps that we can take daily to
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live within that value system.
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Um, and that can look like anything from, um, you know, reaching out
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to, you know, a, a friend once a week to, um, I don't know.
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Practicing more mindfulness throughout the day.
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Right.
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Um, so I'm curious, Laura, I know that you said that your therapist really
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helped you identify what your values are.
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What, what else, what else helps you know, what you value?
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Like how do you know what, what, what you value in life?
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I.
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Yeah, I mean, I think another way of thinking about values is asking
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myself what's important to me.
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Um, and so my family and friends obviously, um, you know, so these
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things guide how I spend my time and energy, um, transparency, and that
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can be really interchangeable with.
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Authenticity as well.
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But you know, that that really helps me kind of hone in on what my values
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are, is asking myself what is important to me and being honest with myself.
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So that's another piece about authenticity.
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Me being authentic and my true self, maybe different than someone else's
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version of authenticity, because we may believe different things.
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It's not so much about what we believe it's are we showing up?
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In our truest self.
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So do we have the courage to show up in an authentic way and not shame
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ourselves, not criticize ourselves.
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Um, but yeah, I mean, really asking myself what's important to me, um, has been so
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huge just in terms of me figuring out how I spend my time, what I value, and then,
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you know, of course how those behaviors.
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Inform what I, what I choose to do.
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Um, but yeah.
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It's interesting as we're talking through this concept of authenticity, one piece of
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kind of, I just keep circling back to this one thing of I know that as I have healed
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and gone through recovery and had therapy and gone to my own therapy over the years,
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and as I sit with clients when they heal.
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When we become more authentic, we are naturally drawn to people
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that are authentic as well.
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So it's interesting because at when we're, when we're living out of, of a
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place of inauthenticity or when we're not living, you know, in a way that is
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connected to our true selves, then we might be drawn to those type of people.
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But as we become more congruent, so what I mean by that is our insides
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matching our outside behaviors.
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We're naturally drawn to people that are that way as well.
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Right.
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And that's not to say that we have to be friends with people who
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only think like us or who share the same values, but authenticity
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is like drawn to authenticity.
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So what I mean by that is people in my life that I cherish are
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also able to be authentic, right?
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And that's not that, that's not me saying that they're perfect,
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but they practice authenticity.
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Like Lauren was saying.
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It's that daily kind of practice and daily choice.
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Um, so that's an interesting note that I just wanted to validate that if.
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If y'all have had relationship shift over time, I wonder if some of it might
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be as you're doing the healing work that therapy requires, if, if you're naturally
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drawn to people that are more authentic.
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Um, you know, um, I certainly am not trying to criticize people that are
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inauthentic, but I know it can kind of put a bad taste in my mouth when I am
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around someone that maybe I, I know is kind of in, in their protective part.
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Um.
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It can kind of just put a bad taste in my mouth and that might
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be a judgment on my own behalf.
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Um, but it's just interesting because I know as I've gotten healthier,
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I'm naturally drawn to people that are able to be authentic, able to be
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vulnerable, able, able to be honest, not only with themselves, but with me.
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Um, so that's just something interesting that I wanted to.
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Just came up as you were talking.
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Lauren.
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Lauren has some homework for y'all.
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Lauren, if you wanna go ahead and get the homework.
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Yeah.
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Yep, yep.
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So, a lot of things that we've already talked about today.
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I wanna challenge you all to pay attention to where you notice
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you are your most authentic self.
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Who, who do you feel the safest to be your.
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Most true self with why?
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Why does it feel that way?
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And then where in your life, what spaces and people maybe does it feel the hardest
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to show up, the most authentically, the most vulnerably, if you will.
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And then, and then a step from that would be what, what is
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getting in the way perhaps?
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What are some of those like protective parts showing up for you?
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Um, and.
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What can you do to move towards more authenticity in those?
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In those settings.
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So as we wrap, we hope this has been helpful for y'all.
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Um, we wanted to close with an affirmation or really kind of a
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quote from the amazing Brene Brown.
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So some of you probably know her if you don't, definitely look her up.
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She is.
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Just lovely.
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Um, she talks about authenticity, so something kind of along the lines of
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what Lauren was talking about, but she says that authenticity is not
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something that we have or don't have.
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It's a practice, a conscious choice of how we want to live.
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Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day.
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It's about the choice.
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To show up and be real.
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The choice to be honest, the choice to let our true selves be seen.