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Forgiving Yourself and Letting Go of the Guilt and Shame of Childhood Trauma · Breaking Our Borders

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi everyone.
• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so glad you are joining me for this episode.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm going to talk about the guilt and shame that childhood trauma survivors feel and how we need to forgive ourselves for the choices we made due to experiencing trauma.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Many childhood trauma survivors feel regret for things they did, didn't do, said, didn't say, or believe about themselves, even though they were children who were simply trying to survive in a situation they didn't deserve to be in.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get started breaking down the borders of guilt and shame right now.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Guilt is the thought that you have done something wrong based on your moral ideals.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: It is the thought you did something wrong and wish you hadn't, like, I feel bad that I said something that upset my friend.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: You would feel remorse for what you said and probably apologize to your friend.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: The guilt may even make you feel so uncomfortable that you change the behavior that caused the guilt.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: In the future, when with that friend, you would be sure not to say things that would offend them again.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Thoughts of guilt are saying that you did something wrong, not that there is something wrong with who you are.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Shame is the feeling that you are a bad, worthless, or deeply flawed person.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Likely caused by an experience, you develop the belief that as a whole, you are a bad person that others would not want to be around.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you make a mistake, you may have thoughts of, of course that is messed up, I mess up everything.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Shame is thoughts that there is something wrong with who you are, not that you just made a bad choice or made a mistake.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: As children, our brains internalize everything that happens to us.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Our brains are not developed like adults where they can emotionally process events or adjust their nervous system to understand how to handle adverse experiences in a healthy way.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: As children, we understand everything we experience as a new thought and use it to build patterns and memories in our mind.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like pretty much everything in life, we have to learn what we feel guilty about and what we feel shame for.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: When a child is taught that they are the cause of their parents' unhappiness through abusive treatment, they will develop feelings of guilt or shame.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: If a child is neglected, they may interpret the parent's lack of attention as being because there's something wrong with them.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Children can then develop thoughts that if they acted better, tried harder, or changed who they are, then their parents will be happier with them.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Children will believe that they are bad or the cause of the trauma because they are unable to understand that it is caused because their parents are unsafe or unreliable.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: All children have an innate desire to be connected with their parents.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: They will do all they can to make their parents happy and accepting of them.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: They will hold in their emotional reactions and feelings for fear of upsetting the parent further and internalize those thoughts and feelings as either a bad thing or something that doesn't matter.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: This leads to feelings of shame because the child sees themselves as bad or someone who doesn't matter.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: When a child experiences trauma that involves abuse, violation, or humiliation, they may feel a sense of powerlessness and vulnerability.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: These traumatic experiences can shatter their perception of safety, trust, and control over their life.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: They are dependent on their parents to provide feelings of safety and control.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And when that doesn't happen, the child internalizes that they are the reason that the parent cannot provide these feelings that are needed to give the child healthy development.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: During childhood trauma, children are often verbally abused, told that they are the cause of the abuse, or literally told that they are a burden, worthless, or a bad person.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: This was the case for me as a child.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: My mother said things to me like, you're a selfish, inconsiderate bitch, or don't you know how to do anything right?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: And get away from me, go find something to do.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: These phrases made me feel like there was something wrong with me, that I was born an annoying person, and that I was incompetent at everything.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: It created feelings of shame that I was a bad person, bringing nothing good to those around me.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: My father's lack of attention intensified those thoughts, making me think that if neither of my parents saw worth within me, then there must not be any.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: These beliefs about myself carried into my adulthood, and I still struggle to rewire those ingrained thoughts.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: I also felt guilt for being such an awful child.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: I felt bad that my parents didn't get a better kid that could make them happy.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Shame and guilt deeply affects an individual's self-worth and emotional well-being.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, humiliation, body shaming, victim blaming, cultural social shaming, parental shaming, and sexual shaming are all examples of behaviors that can lead to lasting emotional scars for the child.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: These experiences undermine a child's sense of identity and dignity, causing significant harm to their mental health and overall well-being.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Shame develops from the belief that you are fundamentally flawed, unworthy, or deserving of the trauma that you experienced.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Victims often internalize the blame, feeling responsible for what happened or believing they could have prevented it.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: The self-blame can lead to a deep feeling of shame and unhealthy thoughts about your self-worth.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Shame can also develop feelings of helplessness, guilt, and self-loathing, deepening the trauma's psychological wounds.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Shame can prevent a child from seeking help and support from others, leading to isolation and further emotional distress because they don't want to be a further burden to others or admit how awful they believe they are.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: When experiencing trauma that causes thoughts of shame, our minds are in defense mode.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Trauma triggers our fight or flight response and tells our brain that we are in danger.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Our brain then tries to find ways to make us safe, feel more secure, and at peace.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: The child-aged brain doesn't yet know how to logically process the trauma experiences to fully understand what is happening or how to react to it.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: So the brain will create ideas that our child-aged brain can understand and process.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, these ideas are often not mentally healthy, but are completely normal functioning of the brain to try to protect the child from danger at a level the child can understand.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: One behavior the brain may decide on is lying.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: A child may lie to protect themselves by denying wrongdoings, placing blame on someone else, or making up stories they think will please their parents in order to avoid more trauma.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Some children will hide or withdraw from interaction as much as possible.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: If they are not near or interact with the parent, they may be able to avoid further confrontation and abuse.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Children may become overly compliant, people pleasers, or a perfectionist.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: They are trying to find a way to be exactly the way their parents want them to be in hopes of making their parents happy and stopping the trauma.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: They may do the opposite and become aggressive and display negative behaviors, like stealing, substance use, and violence.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is a reaction to the anger they have of being abused and not having any control and stopping the trauma.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Children experiencing trauma may also develop coping behaviors of dissociation, hypervigilance, and believing that their needs and feelings don't matter.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: They have been programmed to be on alert for more trauma and believe that nothing they feel matters, because it doesn't matter to the parent.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: All of these behaviors were created to survive something that no child should have to encounter.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: These behaviors were created because our young mind didn't know how to make the trauma stop, to get away from it, or how to rationalize with an adult to be treated differently.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't our job to figure all of that out.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: It was our parents' responsibility to provide us with a safe environment and to protect us when that environment wasn't safe.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now as adults, it's easy to look back on a traumatic event and think, why didn't I ask for help or why didn't I just leave?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: But as a child, under the control of our parents, those choices were not options.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: We did what we had to do to survive toxic and dangerous environments.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that's nothing we should feel guilt or shame for.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: As adults, we may still be carrying that guilt and shame with us.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: We feel it for how awful of a person we think we are, or because we didn't do anything to stop the trauma.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: We may feel shame about ourselves for causing the abuse, for being the bad kid our parents told us we were, or for being a disappointment to our parents.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: We may feel shame that we didn't fight back, ask for help, or act certain ways as a child.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: But we have to understand that as children, it was not our responsibility or a developmentally appropriate action to fix our parents' problems, create safety and reassurance for ourselves.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: We need to let ourselves off the hook for things we couldn't and weren't able to control.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: You did what you had to do to survive, and there is no shame in surviving trauma.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: I remember a time when my brother was being abused in our home.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: I panicked and froze.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: I thought about stepping in to stop the violence, but I feared I would be hurt too.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: I considered calling the police for help, but feared the wrath of my parent after getting an outsider involved.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of helping my brother, I protected myself.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: I have felt guilt and shame for not helping my brother.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: But now as an adult, I can understand a couple of things.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: One, I should not have been put in a situation where I had to protect my brother from our parent in our home.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Two, I am not the one who did wrong in this situation.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: It was the abusive parent that put us all in a terrible situation that my brother and I, as children, should never have been in.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And three, it was perfectly normal to think about how to protect myself.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: My brain did exactly what it was supposed to do: figure out how to keep me safe.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: My rationalization of not stepping in or calling for help because things would probably get worse was my brain's way of protecting me from danger in that moment and possibly in the future.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: In a previous episode, I talked about forgiveness and how it is a gift that you choose to give to others.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: However, there's one person you should always give it to, and that is yourself.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: You need to let go of the guilt and shame caused by trauma that made you feel like you are a bad person or that you don't matter, and understand that your mind was doing what it was supposed to, protecting you.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: You need to forgive yourself for anything you think you did wrong to cause or not be able to stop the trauma.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiving yourself does not mean you are forgiving the trauma or those who caused it.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean you should forget what happened or minimize the trauma.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean that what happened to you was not serious or that you deserved it.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: It does mean that you recognize that as a child, you did nothing wrong to cause the trauma, that you were unable to stop the trauma, and you shouldn't believe any of the lies told to you about your self-worth during the trauma.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: As an adult, you can hopefully look back on your trauma and see that your parents did that to you because of something wrong within them, not something wrong within you.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Give the child you once were sympathy for what they endured, understanding for why they did what they did to survive, and patience while you adjust your feelings of guilt and shame that are still lingering.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Self-forgiveness means that you are no longer going to punish yourself for something you didn't deserve.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: I will post a journal prompt on my website, breakingarborders.com, to help you think about the guilt and shame you have been carrying due to trauma.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you can use that journal prompt to learn to let go of the shame and guilt and give yourself forgiveness.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the person we have to learn to forgive is ourselves, not necessarily those who hurt us.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: And not because we were responsible for what happened, but because we've spent years blaming ourselves for surviving it.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for joining me today, and I hope you will join me again next week as I continue to talk about the mental borders created by our trauma.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Until then, I hope you have a wonderful week.