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Transcript

I Got My Fearful Avoidant Ex Back After 9 Months! · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  If your ex is a woman or an avoidant, especially a fearful
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  avoidant and or you've been in no contact for months and months
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  and have lost all hope of ever hearing from your ex, then this
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  video is for you. My client got his fearful
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  avoidant ex back after 9 long months and once they started
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  seeing each other again, he asked her the question that most
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  people never get the answer to. And that is what made her
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  finally reach out after such a long time.
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  And she gave him a very detailed answer that I know you'll be
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  interested in hearing. So I'm going to walk you through
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  the story in my client's own words.
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  He was nice enough to write this up for me of how the
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  relationship fell apart, what happened during no contact, what
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  I believe caused the breakup, and what finally made her reach
• 1:02
  out with a substantial message instead of a breadcrumb.
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  So stay tuned. Hi, this is Lucia with the Art
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  of Love. I'm a deity and relationship
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  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
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  over to your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
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  contact army. Have you been a good little
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  soldier and stayed in no contact?
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  If you have, then hope you're using my app Silencio to stay in
• 1:27
  no contact and the link to that is underneath every single video
• 1:30
  and podcast. And if you'd like to read, you
• 1:33
  can also check out my book No Contact Secrets available at
• 1:37
  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
• 1:41
  you purchase the book. OK, let's get started, get your
• 1:44
  popcorn. This is going to be long but
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  interesting of course. OK, so he says from the very
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  beginning, sparks were flying left and right.
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  She would routinely tell me you're so attractive.
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  I can't believe this sex is this good with a guy this hot.
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  What is she saying? Is she saying you can't have
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  good sex with a guy unless he's ugly?
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  I don't know. She called me trouble.
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  I love that. I bet you did.
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  She said the feelings you give me scare me.
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  Well, there was clue number one that there was trouble up ahead.
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  That's me saying that, not him. So I told her, it scares you.
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  And she said, yeah, it's like, I mean, it just makes me kind of
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  crazy. Like, I'm a control freak, man.
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  And I said, well, you don't seem like a control freak to me.
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  Trust me. If someone says they're a
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  control freak, they're a control freak.
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  Trust them. And she said, oh, but I am.
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  I don't like to lose control of how I feel and what makes me
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  feel good. And, you know, when you really
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  like somebody, it can make you kind of lose yourself.
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  And there was yet another clue at that time.
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  I kind of just brushed that off and chalked it up.
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  I was like, oh, well, that's interesting.
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  But hey, that's good, right? She likes me.
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  Yeah. After we'd been dating about two
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  to three months, it happened. She pulled away from me.
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  She went cold where she was texting all the time.
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  She was suddenly texting very little and not reaching out.
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  She cancelled the get together with no reschedule.
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  I reached out to her a couple of times and I just got short
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  answers. So I responded to cold with
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  cold. I started to take my time
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  replying to her texts, would give short answers and sometimes
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  only give a reaction to her text.
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  A couple of weeks would go by and she would warm up and she'd
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  say hey, what are you doing this week?
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  And we'd start talking and then we'd start hanging out again.
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  But every time this happened, something about the connection
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  took a hit. It was like there was this
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  tension there that kept increasing but I thought nothing
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  of it and we kept going. Ended up seeing her one night.
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  I could feel the tension. Something was off.
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  She was extra Moody. She was hyper critical of me
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  criticizing small things. I left early that night, didn't
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  give a reason other than hey I got to work tomorrow.
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  She knew something was wrong. She tried to get me to
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  communicate with her but I just said no I'm tired.
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  And I left the old oh, I'm tired excuse.
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  Listen, if someone uses the I'm tired as an excuse, it's not
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  true. It's an excuse.
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  Don't ever believe it, OK? As you expect.
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  As you'd expect. Not long after this, she broke
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  up with me. I thought we'd recover from this
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  one like all the others. It absolutely blindsided me.
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  She said maybe we're just not right to be in relationships.
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  And I don't think we can go backwards to friends with
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  benefits. I guess friends with benefits
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  was kind of our safe space. But anyway, I guess that's just
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  how it goes. So I said you don't want to see
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  me anymore. And she said, I think you're a
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  great guy, had a really good time with you and I really do
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  care about you. And I know we care about each
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  other. I just think that we suck at
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  relationships. And I said, well, you think we
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  could see each other just once just to kind of talk things
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  through. And she said, now you're being
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  that low, smooth talking guy. I know that I would get feeling
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  that you would get your feelings hurt if we met in person.
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  Those words cut me deep. She was worrying about hurting,
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  hurting my feelings. I said, OK, well, I guess let me
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  know if you change your mind. Yeah.
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  OK. OK.
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  Someone's been listening to Corey Wayne.
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  You know, you're not going to talk to someone out of breaking
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  up with you when they've made-up their mind.
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  So there was no point. But of course, he was
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  blindsided. He didn't know that you're just
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  supposed to say, oh, OK. But it's OK.
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  This wasn't a fatal error. And so she said I lost myself
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  trying to make you like me. I gave it 100% this time.
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  I can't try any harder. I'm sorry.
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  So I said, OK, peace be with you.
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  And she said, but you're a good guy.
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  You'll get treated like a king. Peace be with you too.
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  Are we in mass here? Are we in a Catholic mass?
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  Why is there we're saying peace be with you?
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  What is this? And I guess by since you have
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  weird rules about texting your exes, and I just said, I don't
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  talk. I don't want to talk to you
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  because I still care about you and I still like you.
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  And the only reason I'd ever talked to an X would be if I no
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  longer care about them or if I dumped them.
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  And I felt guilty about it. And she said, yeah, yeah, toxic
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  X's, whatever. And that was the last straw.
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  I was ready to do no contact. I was so angry.
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  I felt she so easily threw me in the trash.
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  Well, no, that's not what happened.
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  But of course, that that's how it appears.
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  I knew at that moment I would never reach out to her again.
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  I began drinking. I was confused, I missed her.
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  I wanted answers. So I contacted Lucia.
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  I received some valuable insight, but the main insight
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  was, of course, no contact and that my ex was very likely an
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  avoidant. So then he talks about the fact
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  that there was a shooting in her building and there's a friend of
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  his mutual friend that lives in the building.
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  And so he contacted the friend, but just to find out what
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  happened. But he wanted, of course, to
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  find out what happened with the ex, if she, the ex was OK, but
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  he didn't want to ask. So he just called the friend.
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  And when he found out what happened, he figured the ex was
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  OK. Well, two weeks later, the ex
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  contacts him. And the mutual friend's name is
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  Joe, by the way. And she says she texted him, and
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  she said, so you can text Joe and make sure he's OK.
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  Well, when she said that, that was actually a test and it was a
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  bid for attention. And it was a sign that she still
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  cared. OK.
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  That's why she said that. And he answered with, well, I
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  already knew Joe was OK. I hope you're doing well.
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  She left a thumbs up emoji, that message.
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  Yeah. She wasn't happy.
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  I wanted so much to tell her. I called Joe to make sure you
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  were OK. I had to fight myself not to
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  text that. That.
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  Yeah, that was the right move. Luckily you didn't do it. 45
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  days later, she sent me a message and a picture saying I
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  had to share this with you. Hope you're doing well.
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  And I was with myself. What is this?
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  What's the so it's OK to text Joe?
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  And now she's texting this. So I guess you're going to
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  forget all about that. So I left it on red and it was
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  actually the best feeling ever. 23 days after that, I was really
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  starting to feel good and I thought, you know what, I'm
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  actually moving on. And then she reached out to wish
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  me a happy birthday, and I said thank you.
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  At this point, I was thinking, OK, well, eventually she's going
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  to get vulnerable with me. Nope.
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  Silence. Pure silence.
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  Three months of nothing. The feeling I had of, hey,
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  she'll be back, I'm sure of it was starting to diminish.
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  Yeah, well, silence can do that to you because there's an
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  information gap. You have no idea what's going
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  on. So I noticed the pit in my
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  stomach starting to grow. I start to feel.
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  Really, truly, I truly started to feel grief and loss.
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  I think I'd come to expect those bread crumbs and when they
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  didn't come in that three month period, I began to feel some
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  real pain. I was like, yo, I'm supposed to
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  be feeling good right now. I'm supposed to be moving on
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  around this time. I'm supposed to be dating other
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  women and enjoying it, but I'm not.
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  One day I went to work and I saw my ex sitting on the beach.
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  He works at the beach, by the way.
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  And she looked back at my truck as I drove by.
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  And then she sent me a wave emoji.
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  An hour later, I sent back a wave emoji also.
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  And she sent me a picture of her and Joe, the mutual friend at
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  the pool. And she said, look who I found.
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  And, you know, they chatted a bit about that.
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  And then he said that he found. I found a quiet spot.
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  I turned the truck's engine off and I felt tears streaming down
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  my face. I felt relief, longing, and
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  sadness. I really didn't know why.
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  Luckily, I had Lucia to tell me. She said the breadcrumb message
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  reset my nervous system and the relief was kicking in.
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  All that tension was releasing and it showed up as tears.
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  After that casual conversation with her, she was gone.
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  And though there's always pain and silence, this science was a
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  little different. It was more confusing than
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  painful. She would show up at the beach
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  and just stare at my truck, well that's not creepy and then bolt
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  but she would never reach out or wave.
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  Then I saw her on Tinder and that wasn't fun and I knew even
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  though it was likely she'd already been dating and seeing
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  other men, at this point seeing her on Tinder just felt like
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  such a slap in the face. Right after the conversation we
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  had, she right swiped me on Tinder because I have the
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  premium version, so I could tell.
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  But Lucia said, don't you dare swipe right.
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  If you do that, she'll get the relief of knowing that you're
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  still interested without having to put any real effort forward.
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  So I was a good little soldier, and I did not swipe right.
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  A couple of weeks later, I realized nearly seven months had
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  gone by and it was just too much time that had been devoted to
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  this. And Lucia said, hey, I don't
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  think this is healthy. It's been seven months.
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  And no, sorry, he said, I don't think this is healthy.
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  It's been seven months. I feel like my heart is still
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  waiting. And she said yes, you've given
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  them enough and if your ex isn't capable of coming back or giving
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  you what you want, I know it hurts, but eventually you'll get
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  over it. Well, somehow I started getting
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  over my ex and then I got a text message.
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  Of course, that's always how it goes, right?
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  You start moving on and suddenly it was my ex.
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  Happy holiday Santa. Exactly 3 months of no contact
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  had gone by and she was sending me a holiday wish.
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  I said I hope you have a good holiday too.
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  Thank you. She sent me a picture of her
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  with her dogs and she said just marry little elves over here.
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  I hearted the message and then she said do you want to come
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  over one night and I said yeah that could be nice.
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  I told him that he could say that, and she said, yeah, you
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  got to come and check out these curse Christmas decorations.
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  I totally see a girl. I hope you know what you're
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  doing because this is just completely not where I thought
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  this was going. I thought that I had to, you
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  know, like, not go over there. So you just want me to go over
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  there. And she said, yes, you're just
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  going to go over there. Yeah, because my advice isn't 1
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  size fits all. That was a significant message.
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  So of course you have to go. Well, when I went over there,
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  well, I went over there and shortly after getting inside,
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  she said, hey, can I have a hug? I said sure.
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  And we hugged and we fooled around a bit.
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  So slowly but surely we started seeing each other again.
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  A few months later, after we settled in a bit more, I asked
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  her that this is the part I know everyone is interested in.
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  So what was it that made you reach out to me after all that
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  time? And I told them to ask that for
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  all of you listening. And I told them to use the that
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  exact phrase. And she said I had to shoot my
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  shot. I figured very likely you had a
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  girlfriend or you just weren't going to respond to me.
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  If I did nothing, I would wonder if I could have done something.
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  I was scared of getting rejected by you, but I couldn't live
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  without you knowing that. Maybe there was something I
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  could have done, but I felt that you were not coming back to me
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  on your own. Yeah.
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  That's the power of no contact. You know, they always think at
• 13:19
  some point, you're going to reach out, you're going to
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  chase. And at some point they realize,
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  I guess he's not going to reach out and I don't want to lose
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  him. So she said.
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  I've only gone back to two other exes in my life, and both of
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  them ended horribly, very quickly.
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  And it just increased the suffering for everyone involved.
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  But this is the first time that I've come back on my own, and
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  it's also the first time the connection somehow just seems
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  untouched. I hated that you wouldn't talk
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  to me. I told myself that you didn't
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  care. I still felt like that wasn't
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  true, though. I couldn't get you out of my
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  head. I admired that you let me go and
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  I hated that I admired that I that I couldn't let he.
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  She hated that. The fact that she admired that
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  he couldn't let her go. That's why you're trouble.
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  You see, I knew. Well, I guess that's thanks to
• 14:07
  the OG love goddess Lucia. Ha ha.
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  Because they used your help throughout this entire process.
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  After seeing each other for three months, we're officially
• 14:14
  back together. Woo Hoo.
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  So what likely happened here is that she got emotionally
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  activated very early, and instead of feeling safe inside
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  of that connection, she started to feel a lot of control, as
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  usually happens with fearful avoidance.
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  So she basically told him that herself at the beginning when
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  she said that the feeling scared her, she was a control freak and
• 14:37
  that liking someone can make you lose yourself.
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  So that wasn't just flirtation, that was a preview of coming
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  attractions. She felt a lot, and instead of
• 14:46
  relaxing into it, she started to manage it.
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  So when she got overwhelmed, she pulled away.
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  The problem is that then he pulled away too, and he wasn't
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  doing it to punish her, he was protecting himself.
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  He didn't know she was an avoidant, but from her side that
• 15:02
  made the whole thing worse. So now she's the one who created
• 15:05
  the distance. So she started the fire.
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  But then when he responded by becoming colder, more guarded
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  and less available, she felt the connection slipping and started
• 15:15
  over functioning to get it back. So then he added fuel to the
• 15:19
  fire by pulling back. So she'd warm up again, reach
• 15:23
  out again, re engage and restore closeness.
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  And then once the closeness is back, she would get overwhelmed
• 15:30
  again, pull away again, and we're off to the races.
• 15:34
  We're in that cycle, we're in that loop.
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  So that becomes exhausting, obviously, because every round
• 15:39
  damages the bond a bit more. It creates tension, insecurity,
• 15:44
  and resentment on both sides. He starts feeling confused and
• 15:48
  guarded because she's inconsistent.
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  As I said, he didn't know at the time that she was a fearful
• 15:53
  avoidant and also that pulling away was going to make things
• 15:56
  worse. And she started feeling like
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  she's the one trying harder, managing the emotional
• 16:02
  temperature and chasing the connection back to life after
• 16:05
  she destabilizes it. And that's why she said I lost
• 16:09
  myself trying to make you like me.
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  That doesn't sound like someone who just lost interest.
• 16:14
  It sounds like someone who felt herself over functioning,
• 16:18
  overextending, and then eventually emotionally
• 16:20
  unraveling. So she didn't break up with him
• 16:22
  because she felt nothing. She felt she broke up with it
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  because the relationship had come become too dysregulating
• 16:28
  for her. She was feeling too much and
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  then pulling away and then panicking, and then he would
• 16:34
  pull away too, and then working too hard to restore closeness
• 16:37
  and then resenting how much effort she had to put in.
• 16:39
  And eventually she hit a wall. So the breakup was less about a
• 16:43
  lack of care and more about emotional overload.
• 16:46
  She couldn't tolerate what the dynamic was doing to her.
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  So instead of fixing it, she ended it.
• 16:53
  But now they've been back together for three months and
• 16:56
  recently made it official. So all's well that ends well.
• 17:00
  So now I want to hear from you. Do you have any questions or
• 17:03
  comments about anything I've said in this video or podcast?
• 17:06
  Please comment below and if you 2 would like to have a happy
• 17:10
  ending like my client then you can contact me for coaching at
• 17:15
  theartoflove.net/coaching and we will send you the rates they are
• 17:20
  not on the website. And also be sure to subscribe so
• 17:23
  you don't miss out on any future videos or podcasts.
• 17:27
  And in the meantime, remember, love inspires, empowers, uplifts
• 17:32
  and enlightens.