Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Is It Best To Have Kids Switch Schools (And How To Empathize With Your Kids)

Transcript

When Is It Best To Have Kids Switch Schools (And How To Empathize With Your Kids) · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
• 0:07
  So I can Mom show today. We're going to talk about what
• 0:10
  age is best for kids to switch schools, which was a topic
• 0:13
  discussed in my Facebook group, my kids have switched schools a
• 0:16
  couple times. So I think I know about this a
• 0:18
  little bit, only up until the tweenage.
• 0:21
  I don't really know after that, but that will be relevant to
• 0:24
  what I talked about, from what I see in my clients, Etc before
• 0:28
  that, I'd like to tell everybody to subscribe, there's plenty of
• 0:32
  awesome. Subscriber episodes now there's
• 0:34
  60 the most Sent one was, why are you so boring to your wife?
• 0:39
  Yeah, well, you know, like shit happens, you know, you look up,
• 0:44
  your wife's, not paying attention to you.
• 0:45
  Why? I mean, why is it?
• 0:47
  It's not just because she is, you know, Annoying.
• 0:50
  It is because you may be boring or talking about things that do
• 0:53
  not interest women and I talked about the different ways that
• 1:00
  you may want to tackle this problem.
• 1:02
  Okay. So in terms of one's it best to
• 1:04
  have. Kids switch schools.
• 1:06
  So yeah, people want to move. They want to move into other
• 1:08
  school districts. And you know, maybe other
• 1:11
  cities, move closer to family, move the fuck away from family.
• 1:14
  Whatever, no judgment. What are the best ages?
• 1:18
  Well, from what I see kids, really, like to have the same,
• 1:24
  the, the same friends in pretty much middle school and high
• 1:27
  school. If they don't, it's not the end
• 1:29
  of the world. Like, there's military kids that
• 1:32
  travel like that switch, schools, constantly, And but
• 1:36
  generally, you know, people tend to idealize their high school
• 1:40
  years. In fact, the majority of our
• 1:41
  memories are between the ages of like 15 and 23 from something
• 1:45
  that I read. And so if this time can be, you
• 1:50
  know, special and have the same friends from freshman year all
• 1:54
  the way up through graduation and kids seem to value that and
• 1:57
  some kids really bond to their middle school friends before
• 2:00
  that. Yeah, you have friends but
• 2:02
  you're still primarily like a kid and your Emily and your
• 2:06
  social life until about Middle School is primarily doing what
• 2:09
  your family does. After that is really when kids
• 2:12
  start to go to the mall all the time and have sleepovers all the
• 2:15
  time and really get into who their friends are.
• 2:18
  Now, all of this is, of course, dependent on the individual
• 2:21
  child, you're going to have kids, I really don't give a shit
• 2:24
  where they go to school, because they're really not into school.
• 2:28
  They're not into their friends at school and they're more shy,
• 2:31
  and introverted, even those kids really To prefer staying at the
• 2:36
  same school because the shy introverted kids are frequently
• 2:39
  anxious. And they don't like newness, but
• 2:41
  they may not have like this bunch of friends that they're,
• 2:43
  you know, very upset about leaving.
• 2:45
  So I mean, and there's also kids, I want to go to a better
• 2:48
  school quite honestly. I mean kids that are very into
• 2:51
  academics. If you say we are going to this
• 2:54
  much better school and this new city may be really into it.
• 2:58
  Everything is based on the child, if the child generally
• 3:01
  tends to be cheerful and roll with shit then they're going to
• 3:03
  be cheerful and roll with shit. It if they are generally anxious
• 3:07
  and insecure and sensitive. Well, guess what, you're in for
• 3:11
  a world of hurt because they're going to be upset about this,
• 3:13
  but they're upset about everything, you know, and so
• 3:16
  much is really just temperament. If you want to moderate the
• 3:21
  impact of a move on your kids, you could do it.
• 3:23
  Of course, when they're younger, you can also give them a lot
• 3:26
  more choice of various types in order to be a moderating
• 3:31
  variable so that they don't feel like you just don't give Shit
• 3:35
  and that you're just yanking them away from their family,
• 3:38
  from their friends in a selfish sort of way, so they can be
• 3:42
  more. You could help them see that
• 3:46
  there are ways that they could still have agency in their
• 3:48
  lives. And having agency is a, is a big
• 3:52
  protective factor in terms of depression when you feel
• 3:55
  helpless. So, when you feel like you're
• 3:57
  getting yanked, out of eighth grade, you were looking forward
• 3:59
  to, you know, 9th through 12th grade at the same school with
• 4:02
  your friends. But instead your parents don't
• 4:03
  give a shit. They're moving into a bigger.
• 4:05
  Our house because fuck them. All they care about is money,
• 4:07
  you know, you hear about stories like this and the way, the kids
• 4:10
  conceptualize their parents decisions and when the kids
• 4:13
  think that the parents decisions are very selfish than the kids
• 4:16
  tend to amass resentment and animosity toward the parents.
• 4:19
  And if you, if you are somebody who who really is, you know,
• 4:26
  just moving to have a bigger house in a better area and your
• 4:29
  kid is like, super upset about the idea.
• 4:32
  It is something to consider like, do you really need to do
• 4:34
  that? I mean, you know, life is full
• 4:36
  of choices and, you know, you got the whole rest of their
• 4:40
  lives. The thing is, if you wait until
• 4:43
  they're in middle school, right? Like you could wait four more
• 4:46
  years to, you know, that that's possible as well.
• 4:49
  If it's going to make that much of a big deal to them.
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  And you could also move into a bigger house in the same school
• 4:55
  district. Like there's a lot of choices.
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  So if your kid is really, really, really upset about
• 5:02
  leaving your kid is a person. It's probably Not just going to
• 5:06
  go away. It depends on the sort of child
• 5:08
  that it is, if your child is extremely upset.
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  You also got to think that maybe something about your
• 5:14
  relationship with your kid wasn't perfect to begin with,
• 5:17
  and, you know, not nothing's perfect.
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  But wasn't good. Because I hear frequently as a
• 5:24
  therapist, obviously, I hear people were counting The
• 5:26
  Narrative of their lives, and when kids really think that a
• 5:30
  parent has made, very selfish materialistic decisions that
• 5:34
  usually, Not bode well for a close relationship in adulthood
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  and frequently the child forms themselves in opposition to the
• 5:40
  parent repudiates, the parents, entire life philosophy.
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  And basically decides to study philosophy and smoke, a lot of
• 5:46
  weed and not really work, I mean I joke but you know the this can
• 5:51
  happen where they decide that all you give a shit about is
• 5:54
  keeping up with the Joneses and therefore you yank them out of
• 5:57
  where they love. And now they're going to, you
• 5:59
  know, become you know, whatever the equivalent is of goth in the
• 6:04
  next school. Because Fuck you, you know and
• 6:07
  and whatever it can get really spiral.
• 6:09
  So this does not happen to the majority of people.
• 6:12
  But I'm just saying, if you have mentioned moving in your kid is
• 6:15
  like, no, I will not do that. Why are you always making
• 6:20
  decisions for me? Like this is going to ruin my
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  life. I don't know.
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  You could think about listening, you can think about going into
• 6:26
  family therapy and exploring. Why else?
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  They don't like you? I mean you only got one go of it
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  as a parrot and if kids at an You have like they're tween
• 6:36
  years and up start saying things that indicate massive resentment
• 6:41
  you probably want to listen, this doesn't mean you have to
• 6:45
  live your life run by a tyrant or a child Tyrant King but it
• 6:49
  does mean that you ought to listen to what they're saying.
• 6:52
  So what I meant by giving them agency was maybe there are other
• 6:55
  variables that they would really like, like maybe they share a
• 6:57
  room now. They really don't want to and if
• 6:59
  you move to a different, you know, a bigger house that you
• 7:03
  can afford but it's so it's a different.
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  School District or whatever, they'll have their own room, so
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  maybe having their own room would make up for, you know,
• 7:11
  leaving their friends or maybe they will be able to, you know,
• 7:14
  go to these different summer programs.
• 7:16
  Because you'll have more disposable income because you're
• 7:19
  going into this different house, it's doesn't such a high
• 7:22
  mortgage, whatever the case may be, is there a basically
• 7:24
  anything that is good for your kid that can make them feel
• 7:28
  like, okay. Like I will have these other
• 7:30
  variables. I can choose now, kind of like,
• 7:33
  what I'm doing. And if they Choose, it's very
• 7:36
  helpful. If you say listen, we really
• 7:38
  want to move if you really don't want to, if this is going to
• 7:42
  like kind of destroy your life, then we can look into other
• 7:45
  options. You know, some options are that
• 7:48
  you can apply to keep your kid at the same school if you move
• 7:50
  somewhere, close, but or you can put your kid in private school.
• 7:53
  There's like a million options. Basically, what I'm saying here
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  is the best time to move your kids when they're young when
• 8:00
  they're old. Some of them are fine.
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  Some of them are really fine moving and that's just What they
• 8:05
  do and that's the culture of the home, some of them like the idea
• 8:08
  of moving to a bigger better home or a smaller better home,
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  or whatever you think is the better home, but some of them
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  are really mad and if they're really mad as a psychologist,
• 8:19
  that's worked frequently with, you know, I don't work with kids
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  anymore. But, young adults, through older
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  adults, if you dismiss, what they're feeling is, usually does
• 8:29
  not go well later on. So like and this frequently
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  happens when there is a jump in class.
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  So Parent. Grew up kind of poor lower
• 8:37
  middle class, even middle middle class, even upper middle class.
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  And now they've had this tremendous leap into upper
• 8:42
  middle or upper. And they're like, now we're
• 8:45
  going to move into a fucking Mansion.
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  What is this kid bitching about? Oh my God.
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  What an ungrateful little brat I'm raising you know I would
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  have like died to move to this house with this pool and
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  whatever. Listen your kid.
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  They don't know what, they don't know.
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  They've been with you always and you've been providing them.
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  You they've been living the life of Riley.
• 9:05
  We in the lap of luxury, you know, they may have different
• 9:07
  problems than what you had. They may have that you are
• 9:10
  working all the time to provide this lifestyle, they may have
• 9:14
  that, you know, they may have social problems that you didn't
• 9:18
  have, because you grew up with the same people on the same
• 9:20
  block, playing with them all the time and they are in their house
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  all the time. Like kids of this generation,
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  they have more social anxiety, they may find it, you know, much
• 9:30
  more difficult to make friends than you did because they may
• 9:33
  have a different personality type.
• 9:34
  But either They don't count the money.
• 9:36
  They don't count necessarily moving into the bigger better
• 9:39
  house as something in the way that you would have because for
• 9:42
  you you were in an apartment or in a small house or what have
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  you you would have thought that. That was amazing.
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  They really are moving from one. Nice place to another and they
• 9:52
  think it's at your whim and they're not really sure why and
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  again, you don't care that they're leaving their best
• 9:57
  friend. Do they had all these good plans
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  for for what eighth grade is going to be like?
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  And then here you are just yet again, Sweeping in and changing
• 10:04
  everything. Thing.
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  And when kids feel like this, the military kids don't as often
• 10:09
  feel like this because they're inculcated in a culture of the
• 10:12
  service, you know, like, you know, when when when the parent
• 10:16
  is doing something for such a much greater cause, you know,
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  defending our nation, you know, that the kid was raised in that
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  sort of environment and they think that the parent has this
• 10:25
  really important job kind of more important than anything,
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  you know, because they are then moving against the whole family,
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  just kind of moves where they Send.
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  So when kids when it's for a job change and the kid is aware
• 10:41
  enough to understand or is told in some way that there is no
• 10:45
  other option and this is kind of the only way to do it either
• 10:49
  because of a cause greater than ourselves with the military or
• 10:53
  because literally, this is Dad's job and we don't eat if Dad
• 10:56
  doesn't have a job and so therefore we move, you know,
• 10:59
  then they're kind of better. But what I see come from
• 11:04
  children from adults, Children. He's when they think that the
• 11:07
  moves or really any parenting decision is just done because
• 11:11
  the parents kind of got bored and wanted a project and wanted
• 11:14
  a bigger house that stuff does not go over as well.
• 11:18
  I mean, it's like kids are people like it wouldn't go over
• 11:20
  as well for you, right? If your husband or wife was just
• 11:24
  like, hey I want to move to another coats and fuck
• 11:26
  everything because I just want to, you know, no real reason.
• 11:30
  I just want to that's how it sounds to the kit.
• 11:32
  So think deeply and This now has moved as many of these episodes
• 11:38
  do into kind of a larger framework to view, your
• 11:41
  parenting decisions and to empathize with your child's
• 11:44
  perspective. They frequently have an
• 11:46
  extremely different perspective than you do because they were
• 11:48
  not raised as you were but you they were raised as they are and
• 11:52
  that you provided which parents seem to forget.
• 11:55
  The kids is not have a split screen where they see you eating
• 11:59
  Rice Krispies in front of the TV in your apartment.
• 12:02
  You know, with the, you know, the only things to play or
• 12:05
  Monopoly and nothing and then like their life where they're
• 12:10
  taking the Xbox of the fucking lawn croquet set from one little
• 12:14
  Mansion to a bigger Mansion. It's not going to impress them
• 12:17
  the same way so and they're not going to give a shit.
• 12:21
  So some of them will, some of them have been raised if you are
• 12:24
  people that think that it's a really big deal to move into a
• 12:26
  bigger house and whatever, whatever.
• 12:28
  And this is so great. And an opportunity to be in a
• 12:30
  different neighborhood. You may have passed that
• 12:32
  philosophy on to your children and if they're Very cheerful,
• 12:36
  agreeable children. You're not going to have any
• 12:38
  problems, but there's a perfect storm where kids already have
• 12:42
  some kind of resentment to the parent.
• 12:44
  They have, they are kind of sensitive.
• 12:46
  And anxious have finally made a friend group, you know, at an
• 12:50
  age where it's very critical, meaning middle and high school
• 12:53
  and then they feel that juxtaposed against a broader
• 12:57
  context of you. Not maybe listening to them.
• 12:59
  Here is the nail in the coffin, which is that you're just going
• 13:02
  to pull them out of the school. That That they are finally feel
• 13:06
  comfortable. It that one I hear about
• 13:08
  frequently as a big issue in the child's life that they later
• 13:14
  recount as an adult as some as some sort of formative drama,
• 13:18
  you know, and I use trauma Loosely in that regard, trauma
• 13:22
  is subjective. I'm certainly not saying it's a
• 13:24
  kid into moving into a war zone, it's not.
• 13:26
  But the child thinks of it as maybe a better term, is an
• 13:30
  empathic rupture with the parent.
• 13:32
  So if the child considers a move to be an Pathak rupture.
• 13:36
  Then there's a problem that doesn't mean that you shouldn't
• 13:39
  move, but it's for sure. But it does mean that you need
• 13:42
  to talk to your child, more and try to understand your child's
• 13:45
  perspective. And and so that's really the
• 13:48
  same thing with any part of parenting.
• 13:50
  So like if you decide you're going to, let's say, take a
• 13:54
  different job. So you are going to take a
• 13:56
  different job where you are now working night.
• 14:00
  Well, if the child like feels extremely abandoned by that
• 14:05
  Children would some children hate being with the other parent
• 14:08
  alone and therefore, they would consider an empathic rupture if
• 14:11
  you decided to work nights, some kids would think that it's great
• 14:14
  that mom, or dad is making some more money, because that's what
• 14:17
  they've learned. And they already have a good
• 14:19
  relationship with you. It's almost any decision that
• 14:21
  you make. Once the kids hit the age where
• 14:24
  they're like aware and alert and Alive.
• 14:27
  Like, you know, knowing kind of downloading, what's going on,
• 14:30
  which is definitely around. Later Elementary and certainly
• 14:33
  by middle and high school, Then you always have to take them
• 14:36
  into account. Even just to empathize with
• 14:39
  their perspective, right? To understand how they feel is
• 14:45
  super big. And to say, if it is horrible
• 14:50
  for you, you do come first and I would make different decisions.
• 14:54
  So maybe not the decision you want, but would be some other
• 14:57
  kind of decision. Now, quite honestly frequently
• 15:00
  one that I get is the kid hates the, the parents new partner.
• 15:05
  So if the kid hates the parents new partner, their, I'm not
• 15:08
  saying to get rid of the new partner, especially if the new
• 15:11
  partner is really trying to be a nice person, you know?
• 15:14
  And, and not obviously if your new partner is some sort of an
• 15:17
  asshole, then they shouldn't be your new partner.
• 15:20
  You have kids, you can't have them around an asshole.
• 15:22
  But if you're if the kid is saying stuff like, why do you
• 15:26
  have to be with this person? Like I don't like this person,
• 15:29
  this and that, and you're basically, like, tough titties.
• 15:32
  Well, you know, guess who's going to be left in the nursing
• 15:34
  home? Alone.
• 15:35
  It's going to be you one day so you can say tough titties or any
• 15:38
  sort of empathic equivalent such as well.
• 15:41
  I know dear but you know, blah, blah blah.
• 15:43
  You actually have to listen and try to be somewhat flexible and
• 15:47
  this is not to say your child should run your life.
• 15:50
  I think the total opposite, but to say, why don't we talk about
• 15:54
  it more? Maybe there are ways that you
• 15:56
  could get to know them. Maybe I am doing something wrong
• 15:59
  here in creating this relationship.
• 16:01
  Maybe we don't have enough special time, just us anymore.
• 16:05
  Maybe you're scared that, we're going to have to move across
• 16:07
  town to where they live. We don't, you know, whatever
• 16:10
  whatever. So just as a general rule this
• 16:12
  is one topic, the moving the kids but in any topic you got to
• 16:17
  empathize with your children and you got to understand their
• 16:19
  experience. The more that you just say, fuck
• 16:23
  it. That'll be fine which very few
• 16:25
  parents do nowadays but if you are one that does they may not
• 16:29
  be fine. You may have been a kid that
• 16:31
  would have been fine. You may have been a kid that
• 16:33
  rolled with shit. That was not a highly.
• 16:34
  Sensitive person, but your kid may not be.
• 16:37
  So the way to inoculate your parent-child relationship from
• 16:42
  later threat, such as kids are very quick on the estrangement.
• 16:46
  Now, I always mention this because it's one of the things I
• 16:49
  work on in therapy with people, a lot is, is estrangement
• 16:53
  between adult children and their parents.
• 16:55
  If you want to kind of protect against this later problem
• 16:59
  nobody gets a straight very few people.
• 17:01
  Get a strange from parents that at when they were They had
• 17:05
  problems. They came to the parent, the
• 17:06
  parent, listen to that this, like, pretty much it.
• 17:09
  That's like what you got to do is really listen to them, treat
• 17:11
  them as a person, try to work around, you know, they're their
• 17:15
  interests and their, their, their, their, their preference
• 17:19
  is not again, to let them run the show completely obviously,
• 17:23
  you know, I'm against that, that is certainly child centered
• 17:26
  model, but it's got to be something where they're treated
• 17:28
  as a person, with some respect. Right?
• 17:30
  So that that's important. So the tldr here, Is try to move
• 17:36
  them as early as possible. Many kids will be totally fine,
• 17:39
  especially if they can have some other variables that buffer, the
• 17:43
  impact of any sort of move. And if you are open to listening
• 17:48
  to their concerns and to trying to work with their concerns, and
• 17:52
  if a kid is saying stuff, like, if you move me out of this
• 17:57
  school, I will run away. If we leave my friends, I will
• 18:02
  and then they threaten something terrible.
• 18:05
  Just think they're trying to be manipulative, get them into
• 18:08
  counseling with, you know, move is worth your kid, hating you
• 18:12
  for the rest of your life and no one parenting decision, more
• 18:16
  broadly is worth that. And I speak from the perspective
• 18:20
  of looking at people recounting these empathic ruptures in their
• 18:23
  relationship with their parents. So, so hopefully this was useful
• 18:28
  more broadly than just for people that are considering
• 18:31
  moving. As I hope that the majority of
• 18:33
  my episodes are that they can speak to a larger array of
• 18:36
  experiences than just the one that's in the title.
• 18:39
  And thank you for listening and please do subscribe and I'll
• 18:43
  talk to you all soon.