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99. The Kind of Grief That Doesn't Go Away —- Now What? 💔🖤 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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  Speaker 1: Apologie production.
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  Speaker 2: I need your advice. Are you okay?
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  Speaker 1: What happened?
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  Speaker 2: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in.
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  Speaker 3: Welcome to our Bestie Segment.
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  Speaker 2: This is the place for you.
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  Speaker 1: Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, whenever you're listening to this.
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  Speaker 1: Welcome to our Bestie segment, where you guys send it
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  Speaker 1: in your anonymous submissions about a sticky situation that you
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  Speaker 1: want some bestI advice.
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  Speaker 2: And we're sitting on a cute.
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  Speaker 1: White cat, Tiana, and this is unfiltered. It's raw, honest
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  Speaker 1: advice that we would give each other if we were
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  Speaker 1: in your exact position. Absolutely so, buckle in, Tiana, take
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  Speaker 1: it away. What's today's submission?
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  Speaker 2: Let's go.
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  Speaker 3: I'm after some bestI advice. My mom passed away from
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  Speaker 3: cancer in March this year. She was fifty nine. I'm
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  Speaker 3: twenty nine. I have a twenty three month old and
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  Speaker 3: an amazing supportive husband and my dream job. Before she
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  Speaker 3: passed away, I had things I wanted to achieve, and
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  Speaker 3: now I feel lost. The one thing that I truly
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  Speaker 3: want is to have her back, but I know that
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  Speaker 3: that's not possible. I guess my question is how do
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  Speaker 3: I find myself again? My world stopped and I'm learning
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  Speaker 3: to exist without her. And for more context, my mum
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  Speaker 3: got diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in late twenty twenty.
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  Speaker 3: She never smoked, drank, and always looked after her body
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  Speaker 3: and lived a healthy lifestyle.
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  Speaker 2: So unfair.
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  Speaker 3: In January of this year, she was told the treatment
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  Speaker 3: no longer worked and it was spreading. They tried radiation,
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  Speaker 3: but she just got sicker. We only got around eight
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  Speaker 3: weeks from her appointment in January, and we were expecting
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  Speaker 3: at least another year. My heart breaks for my son
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  Speaker 3: as you only got to know his nana for such
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  Speaker 3: a short time.
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  Speaker 2: Oh oh, I'm so sorry.
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  Speaker 1: I am so sorry you spoke about this last week
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  Speaker 1: because I didn't have a massive family, so the thought
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  Speaker 1: of losing my mum, like, I can't even begin to
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  Speaker 1: imagine the pain that you're under right now.
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  Speaker 2: That is absolutely awful.
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  Speaker 1: With grief, I just don't think it's something that ever
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  Speaker 1: goes away.
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  Speaker 2: You just get better at.
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  Speaker 1: Managing it, because unfortunately, like life goes on you're a mum,
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  Speaker 1: it doesn't stop. I mean, first of all, I would
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  Speaker 1: recommend following someone like Megsie who speaks about grief often. Now, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: if you don't know who Megsie is. She's one of
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  Speaker 1: my closest best friends and she lost her son this year.
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  Speaker 1: He was only one, And she speaks about grief and
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  Speaker 1: her journey and she's sharing it as she goes alongs
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  Speaker 1: and all the things that have helped her stay connected
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  Speaker 1: to Rambo and helped her get through each day, and
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  Speaker 1: not once had she tried to suppress or park any.
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  Speaker 2: Of the grief.
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  Speaker 1: She just allows it all to be there and honors
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  Speaker 1: all of it. And I'm in such awe of how
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  Speaker 1: she's working through this, navigating this. I would definitely recommend
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  Speaker 1: following her just Megsie Ann on Instagram. I know that
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  Speaker 1: she's also looked at different support groups on Facebook. She's
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  Speaker 1: read oh He's books, ten different grief books. One's about
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  Speaker 1: how the brain processes and different beliefs around what happens
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  Speaker 1: when people pass through and how to connect with them,
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  Speaker 1: and she said that has been an absolute lifeline and
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  Speaker 1: sharing her journey online as well. So yeah, I don't
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  Speaker 1: think this is something that you can push away. I
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  Speaker 1: think it's something you really need to feel through and
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  Speaker 1: just allow to be there because it's so real. Before
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  Speaker 1: she missed her, of course you want her back and
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  Speaker 1: something with makes you two that I really have learned
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  Speaker 1: from her and love witnessing her in is just because
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  Speaker 1: she's grieving and she's deep in it, it doesn't mean
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  Speaker 1: she also doesn't have access to pleasure, joy, play, laughter,
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  Speaker 1: all the things. Yes, and she's living proof that you
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  Speaker 1: can have all of that whils still experiencing the pain
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  Speaker 1: and the depth of what grief is. So I just
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  Speaker 1: think more acceptance for where you're at, how you're feeling
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  Speaker 1: each and every day, no expectations on what it's going
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  Speaker 1: to look like tomorrow or the next day. Don't try
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  Speaker 1: and wash it like push it away, but know that
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  Speaker 1: you also have power and control to access to other
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  Speaker 1: parts of life, which makes life feel lighter and more
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  Speaker 1: beautiful what your mum would want you to experience with
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  Speaker 1: your son.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, grief is such a it's not a linear process.
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  Speaker 1: You know.
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  Speaker 3: It's something that is going to pop up in the
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  Speaker 3: most random times, and unfortunately it is things like smells
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  Speaker 3: or photos or song song, rainbow memories that put in
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  Speaker 3: your mind that kind of just like put you on
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  Speaker 3: your arse and then you have a moment of intense grief.
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  Speaker 3: But that's the journey of grief is like, you've got
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  Speaker 3: to be able to be fluid with the grief, and
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  Speaker 3: yes it feels heavy, you've got to be willing to
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  Speaker 3: sit in it. And even something that I saw Megsie
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  Speaker 3: posts the other day was that she has allocated grief days,
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  Speaker 3: like if she feels like today's going to be heavy,
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  Speaker 3: she just allows herself to sit in it. And even
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  Speaker 3: in my own experience, that's something that I do too,
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  Speaker 3: Like one of my friends, Lucy, she passed away a
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  Speaker 3: couple of months ago, and in that journey of grief,
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  Speaker 3: just allowing myself to feel sad when I feel sad,
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  Speaker 3: or cry or miss her or love on her, and
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  Speaker 3: feel all of the feelings that come with grief. Of
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  Speaker 3: like she was twenty seven years old. It was so
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  Speaker 3: unfair and she shouldn't have passed, and she had such
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  Speaker 3: a long life ahead of her, and allowing all of
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  Speaker 3: those emotions to come forward, Like, if you can create
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  Speaker 3: space for all of those things to come forward, it
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  Speaker 3: will help heal your heart and mend in the best
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  Speaker 3: way that it can that you can, that you deserve to.
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  Speaker 3: And I feel like it's just one of those things
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  Speaker 3: where it will always stay with you, you know, but
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  Speaker 3: it doesn't take away that the love that you have
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  Speaker 3: for them. And I think when you just allow space
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  Speaker 3: for the grief to be there, you allow yourself to
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  Speaker 3: process it better. So it's not that it feels any
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  Speaker 3: less heavy. I think you just get better with dealing
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  Speaker 3: with it and holding it and still choosing to live
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  Speaker 3: your life. And even if it's not for you, live
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  Speaker 3: for them too.
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  Speaker 2: They would want to see you happy.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. Another thing that I've learned from Megsy two is
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  Speaker 1: because obviously she wants to stay is connected to Rambo
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  Speaker 1: as you can, and I'm sure you want to stay
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  Speaker 1: as connected to your mum as you can. She finds
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  Speaker 1: when she's really busy or there's lots of people around
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  Speaker 1: and she's doing lots of things, that's when she feels disconnected.
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  Speaker 1: But when it's when she stops, slows, sits in the sun,
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  Speaker 1: breathe connects with herself and she allows that to come in,
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  Speaker 1: that's when she feels most connected to Rambo. So there's
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  Speaker 1: a lot of time spent in nature, Like every single
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  Speaker 1: morning she's down at the beach, that's when she feels
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  Speaker 1: most connected with him. And so she said to day
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  Speaker 1: with that every single day it's like the sun's on
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  Speaker 1: her skin, she can see the raisin, the sky, the ocean.
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  Speaker 1: She's like, he's here with me, and that carries in
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  Speaker 1: throughout her day. So I would be getting out of
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  Speaker 1: nature and just finding different rituals and different things that
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  Speaker 1: you can do that make you feel connected with her,
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  Speaker 1: and just keeping that connection there and anyone that speaks
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  Speaker 1: to makes you that's so real for her, He's there
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  Speaker 1: with her, like not physically obviously, but emotionally spiritually, like
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  Speaker 1: they're together. So it's just been really inspiring to see that.
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  Speaker 1: And I know when I go through losing my mum
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  Speaker 1: one day, because obviously that will happen, that will be
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  Speaker 1: what I'll be turning to. It's like different tools to
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  Speaker 1: help me through that. But honestly, if none of this helps,
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  Speaker 1: and if none of this makes you feel any better,
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  Speaker 1: I don't blame you or judge you for it. What
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  Speaker 1: you're going through the pain. I feel like when you're
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  Speaker 1: going through grief, nothing anyone says can help, because it's
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  Speaker 1: like I just want my fucking mum back. I just
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  Speaker 1: want them back, like nothing helps, you know, And that's
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  Speaker 1: okay as well.
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  Speaker 3: Sometimes you just need to be held and you know
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  Speaker 3: what give yourself permission and grace in this journey that
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  Speaker 3: you felt like you had a lot of direction before
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  Speaker 3: and you feel lost.
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  Speaker 2: In that now.
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  Speaker 3: Yea, Like you don't no more, you don't need to
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  Speaker 3: quotations get back on track, Like let yourself go through
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  Speaker 3: this season of your life where she feels a little
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  Speaker 3: harder than normal, because the reality is like your mundane
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  Speaker 3: tasks are gonna feel ten times heavier when you're holding grief.
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  Speaker 3: Brushing your teeth in the morning feels hard.
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  Speaker 2: I be bothered. You don't want to.
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  Speaker 3: Getting out of bed in the morning feels like the
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  Speaker 3: hardest challenge that.
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  Speaker 2: You are looking after a twenty three month old.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely, and still having to mum and show up
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  Speaker 3: and be consistent and park your grief. So be kind
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  Speaker 3: to yourself in this season that things are just heavier
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  Speaker 3: this season, and just know that it will be a
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  Speaker 3: season and it won't feel as heavy. And even if
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  Speaker 3: it does, that's also okay.
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  Speaker 1: To yeah, you know, gloud to come up when it
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  Speaker 1: comes up, allow it to come up.
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  Speaker 2: You will have lighted days. You will have laughter and
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  Speaker 2: pleasure and plague. And I know that because I'm witnessing
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  Speaker 2: it with magazines.
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  Speaker 3: I know you will too, and you'll also bounce between
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  Speaker 3: the days where you're so appreciative for all of the
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  Speaker 3: time that you did get to spend with her, and
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  Speaker 3: how loved she made you feel at your mom, and
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  Speaker 3: how good it felt to be her daughter.
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  Speaker 1: You know, and what you guys did have the last
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  Speaker 1: I think everyone gets to experience the.
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  Speaker 3: Laughter, the memories, the photos, love, the memories, all of it.
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  Speaker 3: So yeah, there will be hard days, but there will
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  Speaker 3: also be good days where you think of those things too,
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  Speaker 3: and that's something that you get to cherish and hold
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  Speaker 3: on to forever. We see you in this.
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  Speaker 2: It's sending you so much love. I know I would
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  Speaker 2: need a big fucking hug when I go through.
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  Speaker 3: That, and you know what, maybe that can be some
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  Speaker 3: I don't know if physical touches your a love language
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  Speaker 3: of yours, but I feel like for me when I'm
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  Speaker 3: going through stuff, all I want to do is be held.
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  Speaker 3: I just want to be held, and I just want
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  Speaker 3: to cry, and I want to know that it's safe
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  Speaker 3: for me to break down. Because if you're a mom,
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  Speaker 3: and you are, you have to be.
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  Speaker 2: The strong one for everyone else.
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  Speaker 3: So when do you actually give yourself permission or have
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  Speaker 3: time for you to be the one who gets to
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  Speaker 3: break all the way down.
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  Speaker 2: So hard with kids.
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  Speaker 1: I know when Rambo first passed, it was like every
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  Speaker 1: single night when everyone went to bed, I or just
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  Speaker 1: like go and a room by myself and light a
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  Speaker 1: candle and just cry.
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  Speaker 2: Actually that's a lie, Taco was with me. Yeah, it
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  Speaker 2: just poor on me.
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  Speaker 1: But just like carving out a time where when you
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  Speaker 1: put your baby to bed, you've actually got that time
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  Speaker 1: to just be with yourself, because I know I definitely
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  Speaker 1: I parked my grief because.
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  Speaker 2: I had to continue to work.
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  Speaker 1: I had to continue to show up for the podcast
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  Speaker 1: and be on camera, and two kids that need me
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  Speaker 1: and didn't understand what I was going through and we're
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  Speaker 1: wondering why I was crying all the time.
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  Speaker 2: And it was hard. It's really hard. So I feel
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  Speaker 2: you in that.
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  Speaker 1: I see you in that. So just allocating some time
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  Speaker 1: where you can actually just sit in it will be
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  Speaker 1: really helpful as well. Yeah, beautiful setting you so much love,
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: lots and lots of love, and yeah, if you're writing in,
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: we really appreciate it. And if you need anything, just
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: send us a message. Yeah, thank you for joining us,
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: and if you have any submissions that you'd like to
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: pop in. The link is in the description box below.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: It can be any sticky situation around grief, sadness, relationships, friendships, career, advice,
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: like literally anything that you're like, I just wish I
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: had a best friend I could talk to. We've had
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: stories even that have come in there where they don't
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: want to tell their friends because it's really private and
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: affects their relationship and they're all in the same circles.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: They're having someone outside your circle something yet is really helpful,
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: and we can be that for you.
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  Speaker 3: And sometimes just writing it out goes such a long way.
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  Speaker 3: Clarity hair, Yeah, absolutely, and it almost feels like a
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  Speaker 3: bit of a brain dump and getting it off your
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  Speaker 3: chest and out of your head, and I think that
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  Speaker 3: helps it stop swirling around in your head so much.
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  Speaker 1: It does. And having an outside perspective too, because maybe
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  Speaker 1: you have gone to friends but the advice or it
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  Speaker 1: just hasn't landed for you yet. You know, when you
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: hear something for someone else and they've just explained it
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  Speaker 1: in a language that your brain understands, like, Wow, haven't
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  Speaker 1: heard it.
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  Speaker 2: Like that before.
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  Speaker 1: That's super helpful. Yeah, something we could say could just
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  Speaker 1: land for you in the right time, at the right moment.
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  Speaker 1: We hope it does anyway.
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  Speaker 3: One last thing I wanted to say to this beautiful
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  Speaker 3: submissioner is that don't make your grief wrong. M don't
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  Speaker 3: make it wrong, don't judge it, don't shame yourself. I
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  Speaker 3: know you get frustrated and you get angry because you
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  Speaker 3: don't want to feel the things that you're feeling. Just
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  Speaker 3: give yourself permission to not make it wrong.
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  Speaker 2: That's beautiful.
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  Speaker 3: I had a client of mine she had like a
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  Speaker 3: family member passed away. It was really close to her.
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  Speaker 3: She worked with me just to work through the grief
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  Speaker 3: for like a year and a half and it was
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  Speaker 3: not linear. And the biggest thing takeaway was her not
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  Speaker 3: making her grief wrong and just allowing it to be
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  Speaker 3: there and just giving herself permission to know that this
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  Speaker 3: is the season of grief and that's okay.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, wow, that's beautiful. I love that advice.
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  Speaker 1: Thank you alighty guys. We'll see you tomorrow for our
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  Speaker 1: Wednesday episode.
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  Speaker 3: Bye guys.