Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Can You Have Friends Of The Opposite Sex When Married?

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Can You Have Friends Of The Opposite Sex When Married? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom show today, we are going to be talking about
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  whether you cannot Friends of the opposite sex.
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  When you're married, obviously, this is only holds true as an
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  issue, if you're heterosexual. So otherwise it would be friends
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  that you find attractive and I will get into the details of
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  that. Right?
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  Before I tell you to subscribe, the most recent one is what
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  about when you get married when you're young and dumb?
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  Another question from a listener.
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  All right. So can you have Friends of the
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  opposite sex when married I do. So I was a groom's woman for my
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  friend. So obviously I believe that you
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  can have friends of the opposite sex.
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  When can you not though? So I have a whole post about you
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  cannot have friends of the opposite sex if you've been
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  unfaithful if you have been unfaithful if you struggle with
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  infidelity whether that is online or in-person emotional
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  affair, physical Affair, whatever, then you know you make
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  your bed, you lay it, and you've made your bed.
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  And so there's no reason that a, your spouse would trust you to
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  have an opposite sex friend and be that you should trust
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  yourself. Because if you like somebody
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  enough to be close to them as a friend, then you may well, not
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  be able to hold strong boundaries if they ever express
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  a romantic interest in you as you've had issues with
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  boundaries and the past. So if your ass it's just like
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  being an alcoholic, right? Like if you've cheated, then you
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  know, it's don't put yourself into situations where there may
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  be a Problem. Just like, if you are an
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  alcoholic, don't go to a bar, you know, it's the same kind of
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  thing. So let's assume that there's not
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  infidelity though. Let's assume that there's a
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  situation where there is just, you know, you have a friend from
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  college, it's ten years later. It's still a close friend,
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  somebody that you talk to, okay, fine.
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  Nobody's saying you have to stop being friends with this person
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  but but there's always a. But can you hold strong
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  boundaries in the area of confidences about your marriage?
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  You should not. Talking to any other person
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  about your marriage. That is not somebody that you
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  literally can never have sex with because they are your
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  same-sex friend. Again, if you're heterosexual.
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  So if there is any possibility that you could end up having sex
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  with this person, do not confide in them about your marriage
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  because confiding about your marriage makes them feel for
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  you. It makes them feel intense
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  connection with you this Is a way to bond and if they have any
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  marriage problems, they will start to share them back to you.
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  And then you are two people who really like each other that are
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  both complaining about your spouse's and what does that lead
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  to? Well, it leads to something
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  romantic because you are bonding to somebody who then starts to
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  seem like a very understanding loving member of the opposite
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  sex and who really gets you and who feels the same and who's
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  really there for you and who doesn't have to deal with any of
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  Annoying shit that day to day that they might if they were
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  your spouse. So they can certainly have a lot
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  of, you know, a lot of sympathy towards you much more so than
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  your spouse was also has to deal with whatever you are, bringing
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  to the table in terms of the marital dysfunction.
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  So this is a very, very clear boundary if you want to have an
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  opposite sex friend, do not start sharing with them - shit
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  about your marriage. And in fact only share a
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  positive things about your marriage and also don't never
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  mention your marriage because that's weird too.
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  So it's real weird for somebody who's married to have an
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  opposite-sex friend that they just kind of like, from all the
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  friend knows from the conversations.
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  It's almost like they're not even married.
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  That's also a red flat because then your spouse should be a
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  large part of your life. If you can have constant like or
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  regular conversations with somebody mentioning zero about
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  your spouse, then that is a strange thing.
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  It's kind of like you're communicating that the spouse is
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  not a big part of your life by basically never.
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  We're talking about that. So here's something normal to
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  say to your spouse. Oh, you know, Jane and I went to
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  the festival with our kids and, you know, with the kids and it
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  was fun. It's a little annoying though
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  because of our daughter obviously as you know, still
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  struggling with behavior issues you know Jane had it under
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  control Jane founder a child therapist but you know I'm real
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  worried about her. That's like a normal thing to
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  share about your family like you know it's not all roses your
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  confiding something but your Spouse, you're making your
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  spouse look good, you're mentioning your spouse and
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  you're saying something positive, that your spouse did
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  by having the situation under control or finding a therapist
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  or what have you and it doesn't always have to be bad things.
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  You can say, oh, we hosted Thanksgiving and Jane made a
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  great pot roast and then I made the turkey, whatever, you know.
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  It doesn't matter. As long as Jane is part of the
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  equation, and of course, the same thing goes in the gender
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  inverse. You would mention your husband
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  is doing positive things. If you're a woman listening to
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  this who's talking to a male friend, You don't want to go get
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  drunk individually with your friend, that is obviously a bad
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  thing if you want to have a lunch or a dinner with them,
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  when they're in town and you have very good boundaries and no
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  trust issues with your spouse because you've never done
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  anything alrigh a myth then okay.
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  But should you be getting wasted with a member of the opposite
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  sex? No, everybody looks more
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  attractive when you're drunk. You definitely don't want
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  anything weird or bad to happen. Plus it's like, weird, you know,
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  you're like a grown up. You don't need to go get drunk
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  with somebody who is a member of the Opposite sex and and just
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  kind of hope for the best hope that they don't confide anything
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  or you don't or There's No Boundaries crossed, why don't
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  you just not put yourself into that?
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  Kind of situation if there's going to be alcohol involved?
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  Then have your spouse. Come have both of the spouses
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  come. If now here's another here's a
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  situation to watch out for you are happily married and your
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  opposite sex friend gets divorced.
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  Well, this is not a good situation because then you may
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  start to wonder, oh, what? If I was single then I Could be
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  with my opposite sex friend, even if you really were not that
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  into them before. When you were both partnered, or
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  you may start to vicariously live the single life, through
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  your opposite-sex. Friend who is going to be
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  dating, all these people off of dating apps and feeling free,
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  and young, and unencumbered, in a way that you might envy if
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  you're honest with yourself. So if you're happily married and
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  your opposite sex friend become single, why don't you put up a
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  couple more boundaries and basically see them primarily
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  with your spouse Allah? Okay, so, Something if you want
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  if you're a rule follower, then that's like a good rule to
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  follow. When else.
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  Is it bad to hang out with your opposite sex friend?
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  Also, when they are having some sort of a crisis and you're the
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  only person they could turn to this, not a good situation.
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  Why are you the only person that they can turn to this indicates
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  some sort of drama if their partner?
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  They should talk to their partner.
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  If they're not partner, they should have other friends too.
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  You are an opposite-sex friend that is happily married, and you
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  want to stay that way if you are on a half, Polly married by the
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  way then you should really be extra extra careful about
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  hanging out with opposite-sex friends because you're already
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  unhappily married. So basically I'm the wind blows
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  on you the wrong way. You're going to want to cheat
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  because you're unhappy anyway. So don't put yourself into
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  situations where it's going to make it even harder for you.
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  So at this point is when you would go into therapy and you
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  would confide in your same sex friends, if you don't have any
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  same-sex friends, that's a problem when people do not have
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  any same-sex friends and usually indicates a Deep self-loathing
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  about their gender. So women that are Logano.
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  I'm only friends with men. They usually have had a bad
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  relationship with their mother. Their mother taught them to hate
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  women. Sometimes their father taught
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  them to hate women's equal opportunity, but guess what?
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  There were a woman. So, this always indicates deep
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  self esteem issues. Rarely do I hear men?
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  Say all my friends are women. It's not as frequent, but when
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  they do, there's usually a bit of narcissism involved because
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  when all your friends are women, they're always just clucking
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  over you and Lamenting you. Women are a lot more like that
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  with their friends. Guys will tease each other a lot
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  more than women do when women are friends, they say how, you
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  know, hot and wonderful and smart and you know, great each
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  other are and each other is and then they do the same thing for
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  a male friend. It's always very positive.
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  So if you as a man, meet the constant adulation of female
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  friends and have no male friends at all.
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  Then you got to think maybe it's not just that you're somebody
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  sensitive and verbal like you've been telling yourself.
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  Somebody who is very dependent on the positive affection and
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  reinforcement and Adoration of women and you really can't
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  handle a more kind of equal and not complimentary, you know,
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  relationship with a fellow male. So you got to really introspect
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  about that. There's never, there's never
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  nothing going on. When somebody repudiates, their
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  gender, you know, it's the same as if somebody repudiates any
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  other aspect of that you know, never trust.
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  Really that the motivations are good.
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  When somebody only has like one sort of anything and has lots of
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  problems with entire other groups of people like an entire
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  gender and entire race, and entire religion, whatever
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  anyway, what else can you do if you want to make sure that you
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  have good boundaries? Don't text late at night with an
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  opposite-sex friend like literally like what do you have
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  to do? You have to it has to come from
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  a place? It's the spirit of the law and
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  not the letter of the law. You could remember all this
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  shit. I tell you and say that you're
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  doing the right thing, but you could still be nursing a
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  tremendous crush on your opposite sex friend.
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  Well, that's not the spirit of the law.
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  What you want to do is to think about your opposite sex friend
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  as on a in a different category from a confidante, they cannot
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  be a confidant about your relationship in the way that it
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  seems sex friend can, because then you're opening yourself up
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  to potentially crossing boundaries because that's the
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  most interesting. Dammit sort of information to
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  share is about your relationship.
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  So you can't talk to the opposite.
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  Sex friend about your sex life. Can't talk to the opposite sex.
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  Friends about your love life, you can't talk to the opposite
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  unless you're single, if you're single I'm this isn't the
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  podcast for you, if you're single have at it, because then
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  if you sleep with your opposite sex friend, that's cool.
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  That's like When Harry Met Sally.
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  But if you're married and you're wanting to stay that way or even
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  if your unhappily married, but you're working on it, you're
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  trying to be an ethical honest person.
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  That doesn't cheat, then you cannot be confined.
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  Eating at night or drunk or about your sex life.
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  Basically, anything that would make your inhibitions go away.
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  You need to have inhibitions with your opposite sex front.
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  Now, what if you tell me you don't find them attractive.
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  Well, they may find you attractive and you may find them
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  attractive enough. If your spouse is acting like a
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  real asshole and you're drunk and it's midnight.
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  I mean that's just the truth. So and that's for either gender,
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  you know. I mean, everybody looks better
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  when they're nodding sympathetically with you and
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  your drinking. Yeah, and it's late.
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  And, you know, there is telling you that you're the one who's
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  right about all of your marital conflict.
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  Like, of course, that's going to make them look attractive,
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  right? So if you don't want to put
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  yourself in a situation like this, and you want to have very
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  strong boundaries, you know? So then you got to think about
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  your opposite. Sex friend is somebody who
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  really doesn't really know the full full full.
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  You, you know, not fully. They're never going to know
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  about your sex life. They're never going to know
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  about deep. Use within your marriage but
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  they could still be a friend, they could still be a great
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  friend there, just a friend with whom you have boundaries.
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  And if you're somebody who doesn't understand what that
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  means, then you're likely somebody who struggles with
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  codependency and lack of boundaries in your life, in
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  general an oversharer. So you can't overshare with the
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  opposite sex for it because oversharing is like a version of
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  flirting. You know, you're pushing
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  boundaries, you're saying, hey look, look under look underneath
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  that. What's, you know, going on in my
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  life, you're getting the real. Overview, we're intimate enough
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  for you, to understand like things that other people don't
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  understand. That's flirting.
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  So we don't want to be flirting with our opposite sex front.
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  You want to have strong boundaries, so it's like how
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  maybe your friends with your kids friends parent.
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  So there are certain things that you wouldn't tell them because
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  maybe you wouldn't want to getting back to the your kids
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  friend, you know, or maybe you have friends at work that you
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  wouldn't tell certain things that you would tell your college
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  friends or your high school friends.
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  There's all different tiers and levels of intimacy with people.
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  So the opposite sex friends have to be kept at, not not in the
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  primary level, not where you're telling them.
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  Oh you know, my husband hasn't made me orgasm in three months
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  and you know I'm so disappointed in him that's not to shoot you
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  tell to an opposite sex male friend, you know, I mean or vice
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  versa. Obviously if you're a woman you
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  also don't complain about your in-laws very much.
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  You don't make anything seem like in your marriage.
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  It's bad, unless of course you get divorced then confide in
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  your opposite. Sex friend, will probably be the
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  first person you sleep with. But, but if you, if you're
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  trying to be good at the goal and to have boundaries then just
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  literally have the fucking boundaries and it's good to
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  introduce them to an end. Facilitate a relationship
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  between your spouse and this opposite sex friend.
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  So, the people who have like a friend, who's a female friend
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  from college and then that female friend, pretty much
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  becomes better friends with their wife, you know, then they
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  are even with the guy. That's a good situation and
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  everybody's clothes, you know, but there's no boundaries
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  crossed in that the wife ever has to feel that she is being
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  put s to this female friend, because when people feel like
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  they're being put s to your friends, when your spouse feels,
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  they're being deprioritized, compared to an opposite-sex
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  friend then, obviously they're going to be jealous, right?
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  Because they literally have a reason to be.
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  This is a threat to the marriage, but if somebody
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  conversely, if somebody says to you, what zero, A of infidelity
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  or dishonesty on your part. If they say that you are not
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  allowed and you have to get rid of your college friend and can
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  never speak to him again, ever, then that is somebody
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  controlling that somebody to get into couples counseling
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  immediately because they can't tell you to not be friends with
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  somebody. They could tell you to not flirt
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  with somebody, but if they're seeing flirting, when there
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  isn't even flirting, then that's a couples counseling kind of
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  issue because that may be a very controlling, you know,
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  preoccupied, attachment insecure person or or an only you know if
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  this True. They may be picking up on that
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  you're flirting. So you give, you know, you got
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  to be honest with yourself there too.
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  So don't try to make to have your cake and eat it too.
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  Don't try to have the friend that really boosts up your ego
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  because you really secretly kind of do like, how much they're in
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  love with you but also you know, gas like your partner by saying
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  that's not happening, that's just not a way to like, you
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  know, be an ethical human being. All right.
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  Hopefully I covered the big issues with opposite sex
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  friends. And if you have any other
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  questions and you want to join me, Facebook group, that is
• 15:05
  where I get lots of my podcast ideas.
• 15:07
  So, please do join you like it. If you like listening to me and
• 15:10
  interacting with me because I interact in that group and I'll
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  talk to you soon. Have a great day.