Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Calmer School Mornings Start the Night Before [a Listener Q&A]

Transcript

Calmer School Mornings Start the Night Before [a Listener Q&A] · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: It seems like there's something about mornings that our children
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: just hate. They want to get up. They want to
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: take the morning at their own pace. They don't want
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: to be rushed and they don't want to be told
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: what to do. Kind of sounds a little bit like
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: us as grownups. It's just that we've gotten used to
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: the fact that that's how it's going to be. Today,
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: it's a tricky question. We're answering it for somebody who
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: is desperate for some guidance. Her name is Emma. She's
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: got two young daughters. and they don't like mornings. How
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: do we make mornings work? That is coming up right
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: after this. Hello, welcome to the Happy Families podcast, Real
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: Parenting Solutions. Every single day, we are Justin and Kylie Coulson.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: We can't wait to tell you about the 50-kilometer walk
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: on Saturday. Just gone. Lift the load. Still taking donations.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: By the way, you can jump onto lifttheload.org.au slash 50
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: for 50, raising money for the Top Blokes Foundation so
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: that they can do their, I'm going to call it
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: life-saving work for at-risk young men. But today, we're going
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: to talk about a tricky question. The Lift the Load
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: conversation will happen on Friday with our I'll Do Better Tomorrow.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: In the meantime, though, a tricky question from Emma, who
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: has a couple of kids that are driving her a
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  Speaker 1: little bit bonkers. Here's the question.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: Hi, Justin. My name is Emma. We have two little
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: girls and some mornings are really hard. We only want
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: them to go to the bathroom, put their school clothes on,
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  Speaker 2: brush their hair and have their breakfast. It's the same
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: routine every single morning, but some days we get grunting
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: and high levels of dysregulation. What can we do to
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  Speaker 2: set ourselves up for a successful and calm morning so
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: mum can go to work not in tears and the
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: children can go to school feeling like they've achieved success?
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: Have we been there? Yeah.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: Going to work in tears feeling like a failure as
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: a mom is the worst. And mornings, there's just something
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: about mornings. The kids wake up and they're like, yeah, no,
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: just I don't think I'm going to do it today.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: I think I'm over it. I don't care.
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: But I think part of that is because so much
• 2:13
  Speaker 3: of our lives feel rushed.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: We don't actually ever get down times. And our kids
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: feel it more so than anyone.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: Well, also, I just kind of feel like we all
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: have those mornings, but sometimes our expectations around mornings are
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: just unfair. But it's the reality, right? That's the world
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: we live in. So I've written about this extensively. We've
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: talked about it on the podcast a couple of times
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: as well. But it's one of those perennial problems. And
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: even if you know the stuff, it's worth the reminder.
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  Speaker 1: So let's step through what I think are the five
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  Speaker 1: most important things that every parent needs to know when
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: it comes to making mornings magical. With two little girls.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: We've done it with six little girls. With two little
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  Speaker 1: girls who are dysregulated and emotional and not wanting to.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: It's such a simple list, isn't it? Go to the bathroom.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: Brush your hair. Eat some food. Put your uniform on.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: That's it. Or brush your teeth. It would be nice
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: if you brushed your teeth before you go to school.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: So simple. And yet they can't do it. drives us
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  Speaker 1: crazy so what's the number one on your list first
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  Speaker 1: thing your morning begins.
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: The night before the night before so this is.
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  Speaker 1: One that i've always been big on and you've always
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  Speaker 1: struggled with let's let's be honest like if we if
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: we just open up the curtain a little bit uh
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  Speaker 1: and yet when we've done it what a difference it
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: makes early dinner get the bags ready get the sports
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  Speaker 1: uniform on the library book or whatever they need make
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  Speaker 1: sure that everything's ready for tomorrow because otherwise tomorrow morning.
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  Speaker 3: So you're pointing the finger at me and saying i'm
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  Speaker 3: the one who struggles with.
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  Speaker 1: It probably unfair because i'm rarely here.
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  Speaker 3: Who's done everything all day and gets to that point
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  Speaker 3: at the end of the day and has got nothing left?
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  Speaker 2: Well, you know what?
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  Speaker 1: I've done a lot. Anyway, let's not litigate that one
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  Speaker 1: right now. The main thing is when you wake up
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  Speaker 1: at 7 o'clock the next morning or the kids get
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  Speaker 1: up at 7 o'clock or 7.15 or whatever it is,
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  Speaker 1: and then they're like, I.
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: Can't find my shoes.
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  Speaker 1: I can't find my bench box. I can't find my jumper,
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  Speaker 1: that kind of stuff. And you're kind of like, I
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: don't have time for this now. And there's lots of
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  Speaker 1: emotion because you're feeling a bit stressed. It just does not.
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  Speaker 1: bode well for a good morning. So prep the night before,
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  Speaker 1: just before stories, before cuddles, before bedtime. Grab the school
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  Speaker 1: uniform out. Grab the socks. Grab the shoes. Grab the
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  Speaker 1: sports uniform. Grab the library bag. Grab the library book.
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  Speaker 1: Make sure you know where the lunchbox is. Throw out
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  Speaker 1: today's lunch that wasn't eaten and clean it out so
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  Speaker 1: it's ready to go for tomorrow's lunch that won't be eaten.
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  Speaker 1: The more you can do tonight, the less you have
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  Speaker 1: to do tomorrow morning.
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  Speaker 3: So it's really about taking... as much friction out of
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: the troublesome moments that you can, right? So our daughter
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: is 12 and she has a very early morning surf lesson.
• 4:44
  Speaker 3: So she loves doing surfing.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: Friday morning surfing at 6am.
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  Speaker 3: But it's a big deal to get up that early.
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  Speaker 1: 5.45 at the beach for six in the water.
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  Speaker 3: And when I get up, get her up and I
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  Speaker 3: ask her to go get her swimmers and get her
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  Speaker 3: towel and all of those kinds of things, it's hard.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: And trying to get her to get some food into
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  Speaker 3: her before she leaves.
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  Speaker 2: Impossible.
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  Speaker 3: It just doesn't work. So we just took away everything
• 5:07
  Speaker 3: that was unnecessary and we made everything as easy as possible.
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: So I tell her before she goes to bed the
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: night before to get her swimmers and have them right
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  Speaker 3: beside her bed. And she does that. And in the morning,
• 5:21
  Speaker 3: the towel is at her bedroom door. She puts on
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  Speaker 3: her swimmers. She picks up her towel and she walks
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: straight to the car.
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  Speaker 1: And that's it.
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  Speaker 3: Meantime, I get her an up and go because she
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  Speaker 3: can't have too much before she does it anyway. So
• 5:33
  Speaker 3: I get her an up and go so she can
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: drink that on the way.
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  Speaker 1: Hashtag not sponsored.
• 5:37
  Speaker 3: And she goes and she has a ball. Yeah. But
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: as soon as you add extra stuff to the list
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  Speaker 3: that she can't compute, she can't think beyond.
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  Speaker 1: It's only two things. Put your swimmers on and grab
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: your towel.
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  Speaker 2: But at 5.45?
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  Speaker 1: It feels like a lot. It's 5.30.
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  Speaker 3: That's a lot.
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  Speaker 1: So your morning begins the night before. After the break,
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: I'm going to run through the four other elements of
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: making your mornings magic. Stay with us. This is the
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: Happy Families Podcast. Element number two for making your morning
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: magic is as follows. You, as a parent, make sure
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  Speaker 1: that you wake up maybe 10 or 15 minutes earlier
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  Speaker 1: than you need to and make sure that you are
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: regulated and ready.
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: So this is tricky because as a parent, you've got
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  Speaker 3: your own list of things to do and you need
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  Speaker 3: your little people to be independent. But more times than not,
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  Speaker 3: especially when they're little, little people, they actually need us
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  Speaker 3: to be involved.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: Yep.
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  Speaker 3: And so we have to be in a position where
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  Speaker 3: our stuff's done so that we can be hands-on.
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  Speaker 1: Also worth highlighting, the morning begins the night before for
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  Speaker 1: the kids, but the more you can do for yourself
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: the night before, the better as well. Work out what
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  Speaker 1: you're going to be wearing. If you need to have
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  Speaker 1: a packed lunch, get it packed the night before. The
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  Speaker 1: more you can do, the easier your morning will be,
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  Speaker 1: the less pressure. I feel like John Farnham, take the
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  Speaker 1: pressure down, right? Like what can we do to make
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: mornings easier? That's all it comes down to. And the
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  Speaker 1: more you do the night before, the better.
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  Speaker 3: Maybe the night before, like, Because like I said, half
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: the reason I struggled with it was I was exhausted
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  Speaker 3: by the end of the day.
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  Speaker 2: Right.
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  Speaker 3: After having made all the decisions and everything, and then
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  Speaker 3: the idea that I've got to now prep tomorrow, it
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  Speaker 3: just was a lot. But I think that as a mum,
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  Speaker 3: if you make sure that all your stuff's done the
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: night before, so you're just getting up, getting dressed, and
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: then you're 100% available for the kids, the morning is
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  Speaker 3: going to go better. Totally. What's number four?
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  Speaker 1: So the fourth one is to have a look at
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  Speaker 1: the amount of, correction and direction you're giving versus how
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  Speaker 1: much connection is in the relationship. There's just so much
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  Speaker 1: command and control in the mornings and the kids hate that.
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  Speaker 1: They resent that. They push back against it. It just
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  Speaker 1: makes life really hard. So I would actually be saying,
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  Speaker 1: don't tell them what to do. Just ask how you
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  Speaker 1: can support. Hey, what's next on your list? If they
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  Speaker 1: don't have a list, make a list. Get them to
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  Speaker 1: make the list with you. They can actually tell you
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: what needs to be on the list. They can find
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  Speaker 1: things to cut out and put onto a piece of paper.
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  Speaker 1: They can put together a checkbox, whatever it is. And
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  Speaker 1: then when you see them stalling, doing the wrong thing,
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  Speaker 1: playing with the dog, beating each other up, whatever they're
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  Speaker 1: doing that's wrong, you say, hey, guys, what's next on
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  Speaker 1: your list? Where are you up to? And when they
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  Speaker 1: tell you, you say, ah, do you need any help
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  Speaker 1: with that? So you're not telling them what to do. Instead,
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  Speaker 1: you're offering support. Connection's about feeling seen, heard, valued, and accepted, right?
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  Speaker 1: That's the definition of connection. Correction and direction is telling
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  Speaker 1: the kids what to do and when to do it
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  Speaker 1: and how to do it and why haven't you done
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  Speaker 1: it already. And for goodness sakes, not like that, like this.
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  Speaker 1: So Kids struggle with that, but they really like it
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  Speaker 1: when the relationship feels good. So that would be my
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  Speaker 1: fourth thing.
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  Speaker 3: I found a little video of Miss Indy, our grandbaby,
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  Speaker 3: the other day. And she wouldn't eat her breakfast. But
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  Speaker 3: as soon as our daughter sat down, her mum sat
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  Speaker 3: down with her to eat her breakfast, all of a sudden,
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  Speaker 3: mum's breakfast looked amazing.
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  Speaker 1: Right? Welcome to raising a three-year-old.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, but the point is that often we ask our
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: kids to do these things, but when we actually sit
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: with them, they're actually really happy to do them, whether
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: it be eating our breakfast. It is. It's about connection.
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  Speaker 1: I wrote about that at length in The Parenting Revolution
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: where I talk about how I'm doing the gardening and
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  Speaker 1: I ask the kids to come and help me and
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  Speaker 1: they're really happy to help. But if I send them
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: out to do the gardening on their own, the fighting
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: and the whinging and the whining is incessant. So less
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: correction and direction, more connection and offers of support, really important.
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  Speaker 3: What's your fifth one?
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  Speaker 1: I alluded to this earlier when I said put the
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: list together. You can't do something well if you don't
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: understand the structure. You can't be competent unless you understand
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: the structure. So I'd be sitting down with the kids
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: on the weekend and saying, hey, have you noticed that
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: we seem to be fighting a lot in the mornings?
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: What does a morning need to look like? What do
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: we need to do? How can we work together on this?
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  Speaker 1: Build the structure, put together the list, the checkboxes, whatever
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  Speaker 1: it is that you need. Because when the kids understand
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  Speaker 1: what they need to do and how to do it,
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: they become competent. And when they become competent, then you
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: usually don't have nearly as many challenges.
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: Well, your list is pretty boring.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: Oh, I think it's also really practical, useful and effective.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: Have you got anything that you would add to my list?
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: Oh, okay.
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: Make it fun. Make it fun. In our house, a
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: couple of things that made such a difference. We had
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: a couple of theme songs that the kids, when they
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: heard that particular song, they knew that that was transition
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: mode to be somewhere.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: I forgot that we used to do that. Yeah, there
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: was a song at like 7 o'clock which sort of
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: brought the family together so that we could get our
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: day started. And then there was another song a little
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: bit later that sort of said, hey, we're supposed to
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  Speaker 1: be walking out the door in a minute or something
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: like that.
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I just– or– We're going to play three songs,
• 10:47
  Speaker 3: three fun, energetic songs, and we've got to try and
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: get X, Y, and Z done before the end of
• 10:51
  Speaker 3: those three songs. Our kids need to have more fun,
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: and they need to know that we know how to
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: have fun. It's going to start our day a whole
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: heap better.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: Emma and every struggling parent, hopefully this is helpful. The
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: other good news is it's springtime, at least it is
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: in Australia. So hopefully kids are waking up a little
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: bit more energized, a little bit more ready and raring
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: to go, a little bit less cold. in the air.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: We really hope this has been useful for you. You
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: can send your tricky questions through via happyfamilies.com.au. Just scroll
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: down and press the record button. It's the super simple
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: system at happyfamilies.com.au or send us a voice note to
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: podcasts at happyfamilies.com.au. Parental fubbing on Thursday and how it
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: affects insecure attachment in our kids. Plus, Kylie asks me
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: the big questions because it was my birthday week last
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: week and Kylie felt like she got far too much
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: attention and I got not nearly enough. So Kylie puts
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: me in the hot seat as we talk about the
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: doctor's birthday interview. The Happy Families podcast, sound and audio
• 11:57
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• 12:00
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• 12:03
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