Latest / Questionable Detour / Bringing 13 Hot Scarecrows to an Office Party?

Transcript

Bringing 13 Hot Scarecrows to an Office Party? · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here? But first we're
0:05
going to make a little detour. So absurd, so
0:10
questionable. Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour. Alright, so last week we put
0:26
out the news that our Saturday workers can send
0:30
in voice messages. And we get to hear their voices,
0:33
really see into their souls and kind of see the
0:36
person behind their mic. And we actually got
0:39
a couple voice messages this past week and I'm
0:41
excited to hear them, hear what they have to
0:43
ask. Maybe we can kind of help out and impart
0:45
some wisdom on them. So here is the first message.
0:49
Hey guys, uh... Long time caller, first time
0:52
listener. Let's say that I hire 14 guys off Craigslist
0:55
to build my house with absolutely no intention
0:57
of paying them. When do I tell them that they're
1:00
getting paid and beer? And if they get pissed,
1:03
can I just marry the foreman and claim the whole
1:06
thing was a destination wedding? Appreciate any
1:08
advice that you give me. Sounds like this guy
1:10
is paying some Saturday workers to do some work
1:14
and he's not actually doing it himself. You could
1:16
hear the femininity in his voice. Yeah. You could
1:19
hear that he probably pees sitting down. And
1:23
I found it interesting that the only solution
1:25
he had. was to not actually pay for the work
1:28
that he did, but was to get into a nuptial agreement
1:32
with the foreman. As if that foreman had agreed
1:35
to this at the beginning. What was the conversation
1:37
prior to this? He had the work done, and while
1:40
the work was being done, he went up to the foreman
1:42
and was like, Listen, I have no money. I'm a
1:45
man. Would you like to marry me? What was the
1:49
plan all along? I don't think there was one.
1:51
I think that's part of the issue. And I think
1:53
if... Every client of a construction company
1:56
were to be threatened with marriage or paid in
2:00
marriage. I feel like the economy of construction
2:04
would come to a screeching halt. I don't know
2:06
if a burly masculine construction man gets on.
2:11
sight and is ready just to marry the broke individual
2:15
that hired them in the first place maybe we're
2:17
looking at it the wrong way maybe it's not that
2:19
he's under threat maybe he's actually into this
2:22
he just happened upon the one foreman that was
2:26
like okay yeah my workers don't need to provide
2:30
for their families and you would look really
2:32
good in a wedding dress Do you think he mistakenly
2:36
thought he was getting four men and not just
2:38
the foreman? Now that you say that, Matthew here
2:41
that left the voicemail does seem like a four
2:44
-man guy. It seems like it'll take about four
2:47
men. To what? To please him? To satisfy his cravings.
2:55
And it sounds like he's going to have a great
2:58
roof to put those four men under. That's called
3:01
providing. Matthew, I don't know if we helped
3:06
you at all. I don't know if God can help you.
3:09
I do. I would say my advice. Find a good woman.
3:13
I think you're going the wrong direction here.
3:18
Don't go for four men. Just one good woman is
3:21
good enough. Yeah. And probably get a job to
3:23
have money to pay your contractors. I think that
3:26
probably. You don't want to be put on a list
3:29
of a guy that doesn't pay his debts. uh with
3:32
money because it sounds like he'll pay his debts
3:33
in other ways sure but uh i don't matthew i think
3:36
you're too far gone i think really you're at
3:39
the end tie the noose just you know but uh we're
3:45
gonna reach out to that construction company
3:46
that contracting company and we're gonna go and
3:48
let them know what's going on because we're responsible
3:51
and we want the four men all right here is our
3:54
next voice message left by a guy named chris
4:00
So I was at the gym yesterday and someone stole
4:03
my shoes. I seen the guy wearing them and I'd
4:06
like to know how to go about confronting him.
4:09
Thank you for your answer. Here's how I would
4:13
go about. confronting a thief so obviously this
4:16
this thief is in the mindset of some sort of
4:19
trading bartering system now he didn't get the
4:21
part of the bartering system the bartering part
4:23
of it but obviously he wants something you have
4:26
and therefore you have the leverage to get something
4:29
you want out of him or just off of him not out
4:31
of i don't know what he has in him um i would
4:33
say if he stole your shoes if he took your shoes
4:36
you confront him like this you go up to him Like
4:39
an auctioneer. You know how they talk very fast.
4:41
I'm not going to try to replicate it because
4:42
I can't do that. It's a God -given skill. But
4:45
basically, you go up to him. You stop him right
4:47
in front of him as he walks out the door. And
4:49
you start rattling off like an auctioneer, auctioning
4:51
off his clothing that he is currently wearing.
4:55
And you start bidding on it as you're auctioning
4:57
it off. So you're auctioning off his clothing.
4:59
And obviously, you're the only one bidding here.
5:01
It'd be weird if somebody else came up and started
5:03
bidding on the clothing he was wearing. And obviously,
5:06
you're going to win the auction because it's
5:08
only you. And then he has no choice but to then
5:11
give you his clothing that you now won in that
5:14
auction. So, yeah, he's walking out with just
5:17
shoes on, just shoes on. He's going full dangle.
5:20
But you're walking out with a whole set of clothes
5:23
for those shoes. And I think that's a fair trade.
5:26
You're not even able to bet on your own shoes
5:27
that he is wearing. It's a trade system, right?
5:30
Like he took the shoes. So obviously he's entered
5:32
into this trade deal. And now you're everything
5:35
else is up for grabs. Everything else is up for
5:37
grabs. But it's only you that's going to win
5:40
it. So it's a trade for a trade. What if somebody
5:42
else did enter, though? You got some competition.
5:47
I would hate to say you would have to start going
5:48
down the line, and then now that that guy won,
5:51
the other guy's is closed, now you have to auction
5:53
off his clothes to yourself, and that it's some
5:55
kind of weird loophole chain event that just
5:57
goes through the entire gym. I haven't really
6:00
thought through this economic system, let me
6:01
be clear. It's one auction at first, then it's
6:05
two, then it's three, and then all of a sudden
6:07
you just can't quit. You're addicted to the auctions.
6:10
Eventually you're going to be trying to auction
6:12
off things you don't even own, like the gym itself.
6:15
Do you mean like that guy's clothes? Well, no,
6:17
that's negligible. Well, you kind of circle on
6:20
those. I think if you want to get your shoes
6:25
back, I think you got to go about it a more natural
6:28
way. And what I mean by that is enlisting the
6:31
help of any nearby nature animals, whether it
6:35
be raccoons, mites that live within the concrete
6:39
of the parking lot. You said mites or mice? Mites.
6:43
Like the tiny little crustacean insects? Microscopic,
6:45
yes. Okay. Enlist their help. Try to find some
6:49
with maybe some diseases. Like maybe a rabid
6:54
fox that lives in a nearby glen. So you're wanting
6:57
him to be like a meth head Snow White? Like he's
7:03
got access to all these forest creatures, but
7:06
none of them are good. Yes. I think he is Snow
7:10
White, but... If Snow White lived, I don't know,
7:15
in Skid Row? What happens when he enlists these
7:23
diseased and deranged animals? They're mainly
7:26
for companionship. Support? Yeah. So they'll
7:30
kind of be behind you like a posse, and you walk
7:34
up to that guy and just kind of give background
7:36
support as you're confronting this man about...
7:39
And you're like, hey, buddy, you got my shoes.
7:41
And then the raccoons behind you like, yeah,
7:43
those are his shoes. It's like a song and dance,
7:45
almost like a Disney movie. Yeah. But to him,
7:49
it's you singing, but also puppeteering the dead
7:52
animals as you sing in their voices. Yeah. I
7:57
think that's pretty cool. He might give you your
7:58
shoes back. You don't want to mess with somebody
8:00
playing with roadkill and rabid animals. Exactly.
8:04
You probably end up looking like a 1800s fur
8:07
trapper. With all these not quite dead animals
8:11
surrounding you. That's kind of the aesthetic
8:12
you want to go for is maybe get you a little
8:15
Daniel Boone -esque, big old Bowie knife on the
8:18
side and maybe set up some traps. I mean, you
8:20
could even start trying to trap the guy, you
8:22
know, maybe just set a little treat on the ground
8:24
behind your snare and he just steps into it thinking
8:26
he's going to get him a nice little treat. What's
8:28
the kind of treat that a man like this guy you
8:32
think you'd be attracted to? A sexy picture of
8:34
yourself. Well, if it's not me over there in
8:40
that trap. God, I look good in lace. Oh, I think
8:44
that's really good. All right, Alan, how do you
8:47
confront a thief? It's not going to be easy.
8:49
I'm going to go ahead and just start off there.
8:51
You know, this is all happening in the gym. You
8:53
don't really want to take it out of the gym.
8:55
You want to leave gym things in the gym. So go
8:58
ahead and just take on the lease for this gym.
9:01
Go ahead and just purchase the building. Purchase
9:04
the gym and then make a rule that when you're
9:07
in the gym, shoes not on the feet, only on the
9:10
hands. Ah, yeah. Athlete's foot's going to spread,
9:13
though. It will, but it's a price we're willing
9:16
to pay here. It means that only the real ones
9:19
will be in the gym. Only those that can deal
9:22
with shoes on their hands. Weird diseases. And
9:25
when you say price you have to pay, you mean
9:27
plus the monthly... monthly subscription to the
9:32
gym. So when you're advertising this gym, it's
9:34
like $99 a month to come work out here and athlete's
9:38
foot. What we like to say, I think, is the athlete's
9:41
foot's free. You frame it as a benefit. It's
9:46
like one of the benefits. We've got 24 -hour
9:49
access. We've got a pool. We've got athlete's
9:52
foot. Lockable lockers. We've got amenities.
10:00
I don't want to gloss over that. But in order
10:02
to get the shoes back, what you'll do is you'll
10:05
simply go up to the person. I'd like to workshop
10:07
a handshake. You know, we're two bros in the
10:10
gym. And then develop a complicated handshake
10:13
with them in which both of you have to take the
10:15
shoes off of your hands. Once that shoe's off,
10:18
you're golden. You take that shoe. Now you've
10:20
got to come up with a way to do it for the other
10:22
shoe. And you like to use a lot of pinky in your
10:24
handshakes, right? I think a good handshake has
10:27
a couple of pinky runs, you know? And when you
10:30
say a couple, you mean 95%. It's mainly pinky
10:33
work. It is. There's a lot of pinky work there.
10:37
I think that's cool. I don't understand how the
10:39
two ideas are connected. I feel like you could
10:41
have done the cool pinky handshake slash shoe
10:43
maneuver without purchasing the gym and giving
10:45
away athlete foot as a, how is he going to get
10:47
a shoe off of his foot? I thought that was for
10:49
the handshake. I thought the handshake did that.
10:51
The handshake gets it off the foot, but buying
10:53
the gym establishes your ability to make that
10:56
rule. Okay. How are you going to make a rule
10:59
if you don't own the gym? I missed that. Okay,
11:00
Alan is very persuasive. He could come up to
11:03
a random guy and go, it's a new law. What are
11:07
you going to do about it? They got athlete's
11:10
foot here. I understand now I missed that. Obviously
11:14
too complex for me. Hopefully Chris understands
11:16
it better than I do. It's a complex maneuver
11:19
there, Chris. I hope these pieces of advice help
11:22
you out with that. I hope you get your shoes
11:23
back. He'll get it. He's a guy that... That does
11:26
a lot of pinky too, I think. Yeah. A lot of paninky.
11:30
Paninky. Paninky dinky dinky. Paninky dinky.
11:34
A lot of pinky maneuvering in Chris's life. But
11:37
there you go, Chris. There you go, Matthew. I
11:39
hope that helps out. If you have a hypothetical
11:41
for us, if you need advice, if you just want
11:43
to insult us, we now have this way. to connect
11:46
with us. So the link is in the description of
11:49
this episode. Just click on it. It's super easy.
11:51
You hit record and you send it. But you also
11:54
can write us in questionabledetour at gmail .com.
11:58
But welcome to Questionable Detour. Let's do
12:00
a hypothetical. Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract,
12:03
purely hypothetical question? I guess I want
12:07
to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
12:09
Well, that's a hypothetical question. So we are
12:12
white collar workers. And one of the things you
12:15
have to do as a white collar worker is you have
12:18
to go to an office lunch party. Now, if you don't
12:21
know what an office lunch party is, it's basically
12:23
this really quickly thrown together, half -hearted
12:26
attempt at a party that happens at lunchtime.
12:29
It's based off of a co -worker's birthday, or
12:32
maybe they just had a baby and you're throwing
12:34
like a weird acquaintance baby shower. Maybe
12:37
a co -worker's retiring and you have cake and
12:40
some nasty p***y. punch, and then you go back
12:42
to work. These usually tend to be boring. They
12:44
usually tend to be awkward. So I wanted to tackle
12:47
this very common situation with you guys. How
12:51
do y 'all handle these midday lunch corporate
12:54
parties? I think the important thing about any...
12:57
corporate lunch party, corporate outing with
12:59
your coworkers is it's a chance to build relationships,
13:04
a chance to kind of make yourself stand out with
13:07
people that you maybe wouldn't have known otherwise.
13:10
So what I like to do is I like to just have a
13:14
bundle of fun facts that I can share with my
13:17
coworkers. So they're like, hey, that Evan guy,
13:19
he's pretty cool. He knows a bunch of really
13:22
fun and interesting things. And he likes to bring
13:25
them up kind of like, all the time. And that's
13:29
kind of the only conversation he knows how to
13:31
have. This conversation really turns into them
13:34
just criticizing you. Well, no, yeah. That's
13:39
Evan, the one hit wonder. Evan guy, he does not
13:43
have any social skills. Yeah, he just knows facts.
13:47
So I'll walk up to a group of people and just
13:50
start mouthing off facts. When I say fun facts,
13:52
the only real facts that I know are... where
13:55
serial killers were conceived. So I do like to
14:01
just walk up to groups of people or even one
14:04
person and just say, hey, you know, Jeffrey Dahmer
14:06
was conceived in Madison, Wisconsin. A lot of
14:10
people think that he was going to be conceived
14:12
in Milwaukee because that's where he was born,
14:14
but it's actually Madison, funny enough. A lot
14:16
of people thought that was going to happen. Yeah.
14:19
Let me ask you this. You said you come up to
14:21
these people. Yeah. Some of them come to me,
14:23
too. I don't just stand alone in corners or anything.
14:26
Yeah, that's where I was kind of seeing this.
14:30
You know, in corporate offices, they have those
14:32
fake plants that kind of tend to be in the corners.
14:36
Do you think Evan is awkwardly behind these plants?
14:40
Maybe the water cooler is kind of near him, and
14:43
he's just kind of spouting off these quote -unquote
14:46
fun facts behind the plant? He's kind of whispering
14:49
them behind the plants, I think. So when the
14:52
people hear the facts, their first thought is
14:55
not, is that Evan? Their first thought is, is
14:57
there a ghost here? A ghost that knows a lot
15:00
about the conception of serial killers, which
15:03
is really interesting. So they're thinking, hey,
15:05
well, that's a really interesting ghost that
15:06
we have in this office. He's autistic. I didn't
15:09
realize that. But, I mean, Evan's not well hidden.
15:13
He's not Chris Kyle, right? The plant's not that
15:16
big, though. It's waist high. Yeah. And you're
15:22
trying to duck down behind it, but your butt's
15:24
sticking out, your face is sticking out. It's
15:27
obvious. The plant's shoved into the corner,
15:29
so I'm kind of just like, my head's hanging over
15:31
the plant, but yeah, my butt is kind of shoved
15:33
into the... And you wear loud clothes. You're
15:36
like, your suit, it looks like a clown suit.
15:38
There's polka dots. You're wearing big clown
15:41
shoes. Yeah, and a construction vest. Bright
15:44
orange construction vest. Oh, that's your sports
15:46
jacket is the construction vest? I do like to...
15:50
to sport a orange construction reflective vest.
15:53
Yeah, and you wear a tie with that? It's office
15:56
policy. Yeah, but he's not wearing a collared
15:58
shirt. It's just tied around his neck. And not
16:00
even like a tie knot. It's almost like you're
16:03
trying to tie a shoe. I've been to HR one too
16:06
many times for my dress code, so I've got to
16:08
wear the tie or things are going to get dicey.
16:10
Wait, are you not covered up completely? Why
16:12
are you going to HR for this? No, it's corporate
16:16
policy to wear a tie. I got you, okay. But you
16:18
have a pair of chaps that don't necessarily cover
16:21
up the back end, right? You're kind of glossing
16:24
over that maybe you don't think modest is hottest.
16:26
So the thing with this plant is it's very spiky.
16:30
They put a spiky plant in here. I got to protect
16:32
these thighs. Have you seen my thighs? No, but
16:35
I've seen the back of you. A lot of the back
16:37
of you. The thighs are covered up. And when you
16:40
see the back of me, you see where it's all just
16:42
torn to shreds. Just every piece of the back
16:48
of me is just... It looks like you sat down on
16:49
a cheese grater. This plant in this office is...
16:54
I've backed into it one too many times. And did
16:57
you know they made plants that maybe the leaves
16:59
are made out of knives? I don't know what they're
17:02
putting in these plants these days. It sounds
17:04
like knives. It sounds like knives. It feels
17:07
like knives. It might be knives. I tried to scoot
17:11
my way past and it's too sharp. I got to wear
17:14
these chaps to protect the front of my thighs
17:16
so I can scoot in front front ways. Now I've
17:19
learned my lesson. Let me ask you this. You're
17:21
saying plant plant, but you're describing a stalk
17:25
of a plant with knives on it. Did you actually
17:28
put that there? Is it actually a plant with knives
17:30
on it? My office. I love when he doesn't answer
17:33
with just a straight no. He immediately starts
17:36
into an explanation. My office has been collecting
17:39
knives for years. And when I say my office, I
17:41
mean me, of course. I'm in my office. I've been
17:44
collecting knives for years. I've been dulling
17:46
them down, trying to whittle them down into sort
17:49
of a menagerie of shapes and sizes so that I
17:54
can build different plants out of them and put
17:56
them in public places to potentially interest
17:58
somebody. Is that wrong? So far, yeah. But that's
18:03
the price you pay if you want to be great. Okay,
18:06
sure, yeah. That's what Michael Jordan said,
18:08
I think. Because you think about Japanese soldiers.
18:11
When they carried around those samurai swords,
18:13
a few of them would fall on their own blades.
18:15
And they were called noble. They were called
18:18
honorable. I cut myself once and I'm an idiot?
18:22
I'm a sex offender? But before they... I'm not
18:33
sure either. That's just what the cops said.
18:35
I'm just hearing words thrown around. I'm just
18:39
throwing words in the bank here. You're conveniently
18:42
behind the water cooler where you hear people
18:44
talk about you. Let me maybe paint the picture
18:46
of what this office is like. So this is a normal
18:49
working office. You have a co -worker named Evan.
18:52
He's wearing a high -vis vest, a tie crudely
18:57
tied around his neck, chaps that don't cover
18:59
the back. Cut up. To shreds, you say. Bleeding.
19:05
Everywhere. He's placing around his home art
19:09
of knife plants around the office and then running
19:12
himself into them. Do you think this is a cry
19:18
for help? If all Evan has going for him is just
19:23
a very niche type of fact, do you think he's
19:26
trying to also get attention this way? Oh, I
19:29
forgot about the fact. I know, you didn't even
19:31
mention it. And also, he's giving facts about
19:33
where serial killer parents had sex. Is it a
19:37
cry for help, Alan? Yes. It's hard to hear the
19:39
cry for help through his actual tears because
19:42
he's in pain, but it absolutely is a cry for
19:44
help. And I almost think he just needs to be
19:47
taken out back in old Yellard. If I'm not the
19:50
one crying for help, my co -workers will be.
19:54
I'm going to disagree with you on that. I don't
19:57
think Evan needs to be shot. Okay. Okay. Sure.
20:00
I think we'll keep him alive. The company should
20:03
keep him alive. I think if you've got a guy that's
20:08
so dedicated to the craft of serial killer conception,
20:11
he had to do the work. He put in the hours to
20:15
find the location. He probably did some DNA tests.
20:21
He went to the location. He sat in the location.
20:26
He meditated upon the location. Yeah. He did
20:29
some other things we can't say on that location.
20:33
Ah, okay. The sex offenders thing is starting
20:34
to make sense. I get it now. Okay. It's come
20:36
full circle. But pretty much, if you've got a
20:38
guy that's willing to go to that length for something
20:41
nobody cares about, imagine what he could do
20:43
for your company. It does seem to be a lot of
20:46
work ethic in this. He's not lazy. I will say
20:49
that. Not lazy. Perverted? Maybe. Yes. How much
20:53
work are you actually getting done? Because yes,
20:55
work ethics there. What do you mean work? Bringing
20:58
shareholder value to the company. Ooh, none.
21:01
Okay, yeah. That kind of hurts your argument
21:03
there, Alan. I see where you're going. You tried
21:05
to put Evan in a positive light. You can't help
21:07
somebody who doesn't want to help themselves.
21:09
I think if a few of my coworkers could be a little
21:12
bit more receptive to my facts, maybe share some
21:15
of their own facts about conception of... It
21:19
doesn't have to be serial killers, just conception
21:20
of anything, really. Okay, you're just accepting
21:22
of any... Any conception. Okay. Yeah. Presidents
21:26
themselves. Yeah. Does that have to be a famous
21:29
person or what if they know their own story?
21:31
That could be cool. I guess. You haven't thought
21:34
about this. No. Okay. I don't think I'm starting
21:40
to think he actually doesn't know these facts
21:42
and he's slowly making them up. He goes, my sources
21:45
tell me and the source is just himself. What
21:50
is your favorite conception fact? So John Wayne
21:53
Gacy, when his parents were trying to make love,
21:57
the bed actually collapsed because they were
21:59
so fat. And when his father, you know, it was
22:05
because the bed collapsed and he was slammed
22:08
so hard into his mother. Now imagine him giving
22:15
you that fact behind a knife plant with a high
22:21
-vis vest on. Bloody. And that is what it's like
22:25
working at Evan's job. Yeah, I think that's great,
22:28
Evan. I think that's very cool that you do that
22:31
at office parties. Thank you. Oh, man. All right,
22:34
Alan. It's nine o 'clock in the morning. You
22:36
arrive at work. They say, hey, just so you know,
22:39
we're having an office party at lunch. What do
22:42
you do? How do you handle that? Just a little
22:43
something about me in the office. I don't have
22:45
a lot of friends. Mostly keep to myself, which
22:48
makes it really awkward in those social situations
22:52
when I'm expected to make small talk with. coworkers
22:55
for 45 minutes to an hour. I don't have the bandwidth
22:58
to have those conversations with these people.
23:01
So what I do is I just kind of make my own coworkers.
23:03
I just kind of create like scarecrows of coworkers.
23:09
I just make them up. I kind of scatter them around
23:12
the office. And before the lunch meeting, I kind
23:16
of soft launch my friendship with them. We'll
23:18
go up to one that I've placed beside the copier
23:20
and I'll just start talking to him. And, you
23:23
know, maybe I also voice said scarecrow and it
23:26
makes it sound like we're having a conversation.
23:28
Well, people walking by, they're thinking, well,
23:29
man, guy's got a friend here at the copier. Are
23:32
they keeping up with your friends like they have
23:34
a tally in their cubicle? Well, the thing is,
23:37
they kind of know. They kind of know, man, that
23:40
guy, he doesn't get around much. They have the
23:42
whole office. They have a score. And Alan doesn't
23:44
have any marks. People talk to this week, and
23:48
Alan's just none. But now it'll be one. Yeah,
23:51
this is the friend board, you know? And I'm not
23:55
super high up there. But now I'm definitely one.
23:58
And you know, I've got these, these scarecrows
24:00
scattered around the office and I just make sure
24:02
people can see me talking to them prior to the
24:04
lunch. Now, when lunchtime rolls around, I bring
24:07
all these scarecrows into the meeting room. How
24:09
many scarecrows are there? 13. How do you bring
24:12
them in? They are all built on dollies. Okay.
24:15
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're all, they're all built
24:19
on Dolly Parton mannequins. Large breasted. Yep.
24:24
Are scarecrows riding Dolly Parton like a horse?
24:27
They could be. Yeah. My thought process here
24:31
was it's a Dolly Parton mannequin and the scarecrow
24:34
is just built around it. So it really looks like
24:36
I'm talking to a lot of Dolly Parton shaped people.
24:41
Okay. Okay. Sure. Which also people might think
24:45
that's kind of cool around the office. I don't
24:46
know. That is cool. Yeah. Large breasted, big
24:48
wigged. Yeah. You know, just Alan and a bunch
24:51
of bimbos. They say, where did you meet all these
24:56
hoes at? So you got 13 of them. Are they all
25:01
like a rope, maybe? They look like a kindergarten
25:03
class going to recess? Unfortunately, no. I have
25:06
to wheel them in one by one. It takes a minute.
25:11
Here comes Alan and his baker's dozen of friends.
25:15
I try to get down there a half hour early to
25:19
set them all up. And then when everybody walks
25:22
in and me and my 13 scarecrows are already in
25:26
there, well, now those people think they're missing
25:28
out on something. Sure, yeah. They think, well,
25:30
what has Alan and his friends been talking about
25:32
this whole time? Wouldn't they like to know?
25:35
Oh, you kind of create like the cool table in
25:37
high school where it's exclusive. Somebody walks
25:40
up to talk to you and you like turn away, but
25:43
you also have to turn away all 13 of the scarecrow
25:47
bimbos. I actually kind of reject them. I actually
25:49
wheel in an old school cafeteria table, the kind
25:53
that folds up and I unfold it. And that is the
25:57
cool table. Sure. Scarecrows are all wheeled
26:00
around it on their dollies. And you're the only
26:02
people at this lunch with school lunch trays
26:04
that you carried up with your apple and loose
26:06
orange juice. Yeah, exactly. Are you wearing
26:09
like a Letterman jacket, like a 1980s high schooler,
26:12
like one of the cool guy in high school? Yeah,
26:15
yeah, I am. I carry around a football. I don't
26:18
play, but I just. I just kind of casually toss
26:22
it a little bit. Yeah. You talk about the big
26:24
game a lot. Oh, yeah. The big game. Yeah. We're
26:27
going to win state this year. That's right. That's
26:29
right. If only coach would just put me in. So
26:33
you're at the table. You got the bimbos all around
26:36
you. Some are sitting. Some are right behind
26:38
you. You look cool. Now, let's say you tell a
26:42
joke. You say a great setup, great punchline.
26:46
You say it. Do you then have to go around to
26:48
all 13 and make them laugh in different voices?
26:52
Because, you know, you want to seem cool to the
26:55
rest of your coworkers. Yeah. The mannequins
26:57
are going to laugh at this very funny joke that
26:59
you just said. That's kind of where it gets tough.
27:02
Oh, okay. Here. Okay. This is the pain point.
27:04
Now it's tough. What I've done is I've recorded
27:08
a series of voices in a early 90s tape recorder.
27:12
And when I hit that punchline, I run around behind
27:16
all the mannequins with the tape recorder and
27:18
I begin playing the different voices. Now, you
27:22
might think, well, that seems like that would
27:23
give like a lot of delayed laughs. And it's,
27:26
well, yeah, but I was so funny that it that it
27:29
made him just keep thinking about it. Yeah, it
27:31
had lots. The joke had lots of layers. Yeah.
27:33
Do you ever have an issue where you're running
27:34
around the table? the tabler i hardly know her
27:38
do you ever have the issue where you're running
27:41
around the table and you're making them laugh
27:43
but you accidentally forgot that you recorded
27:46
over some of the laugh track and it's just like
27:47
your internal monologue that you recorded that
27:49
day and like you get to one mannequin in the
27:53
middle of the pack and it just starts off you
27:54
talk about like this morning i woke up and i
27:56
was sad it was raining outside i don't know how
27:59
much longer i can go on you're like this this
28:01
one's depressed You just have to go to the next
28:05
one to make laugh. Yeah. If I accidentally get
28:07
my internal monologue coming on that tape, kind
28:10
of what we do is we all just turn on that mannequin.
28:15
You just start like, like twerking or something.
29:14
You have to make the other 12 toward 2. That
29:26
lunch table becomes a stage. Explain. When I
29:41
say turn on, I just mean we all turn against
29:46
the single mannequin. We're not... We keep it
29:54
above board here. It's a professional environment
29:58
in the end. Yeah, yeah. We turn against that
30:03
single mannequin. One by one, slowly bending
30:16
the mannequins over the table. You're like, thankfully
30:23
I dressed the mannequins in lingerie today. And
30:28
that is why they're all Dolly Parton. Thank goodness
30:33
they were her mannequins. Okay, okay. You don't.
30:37
Turn them on sexually, but you do turn against
30:39
them in their time of quote unquote need because
30:42
it's the recording of yourself that is going
30:45
through the depression. But you just you turn
30:47
against them almost in a mob like effect. Is
30:50
that saving my own skin? Yeah. Yeah, it is. But
30:53
keep in mind, these are not real people. It doesn't
30:57
matter what happens to them. And I turn on them,
31:00
and then some of the real people, they start
31:02
to think, wow, that was pretty cool. It was pretty
31:04
cool how you just berated that guy. And you just
31:06
got these other people that we've never seen
31:09
before that are your friends to also berate him.
31:11
And then that gives me a little bit of clout
31:14
and street cred amongst the real workers. Yeah,
31:18
they don't want to be on your bad side at all.
31:20
Absolutely not. They just saw you berate a mannequin
31:23
for expressing her emotions. And eventually,
31:28
I assume the mannequin goes into the bathroom
31:30
and just takes a mouthful of pills. Like, eventually,
31:32
it's a, you just, man, we can't mess with Alan.
31:35
He will drive you to seeing the Lord. Definitely.
31:38
Definitely. It's like I always say, if you're
31:41
not on my team, you're against me. And he will
31:49
turn on you. Turn you on. We'll turn you on.
31:55
That's very cool, Alan. If you can't make friends,
31:59
literally make friends. And really, exclusivity
32:03
drives the market. This happens in economic,
32:05
and this happens in social relationships. So
32:07
if you create friends, if you make friends, literally,
32:10
and then make yourself exclusive to those friends,
32:12
people are going to want to be around you. Plus,
32:15
if you also bully the friends that you made,
32:17
that also helps, apparently. That's very cool.
32:21
Go ahead and use this as your strategy for these
32:26
lunchtime office parties. You will make a name
32:28
for yourself at your place of business for sure.
32:33
And in the end, you can't take money when you
32:35
die. You can't take love. But your legacy will
32:39
live on. And you'll be talked about long after
32:41
you're gone with these. Absolutely. All right.
32:44
So based off that hypothetical, you can assume
32:46
that we know a lot about corporate life. Well,
32:48
we have a lot of knowledge. We are the smartest
32:50
men on this planet. And we want to we want to
32:53
give some fun facts about corporate life to maybe
32:56
those that are just getting started in the corporate
32:59
world, maybe getting their first jobs or maybe
33:01
bettering themselves and getting a new job. So
33:03
let's get into our next segment. Did you know?
33:06
Did you know? Did you know? Did you know that
33:11
it's all right to wonder? Did you know that it's
33:16
all right to wonder? There are all kinds of wonderful
33:21
things in this world. All right, so corporate
33:25
life. What information do y 'all want to bestow
33:27
on people about corporate life? Did you know
33:30
the most common shift time is a nine to five
33:35
in America? Well, Evan, that's funny that you
33:37
said that because my fact was almost the same.
33:40
The nine to five became standard. partly because
33:43
companies wanted a predictable eight -hour workday
33:46
rather than the best times for humans to work.
33:49
Did you guys know that most companies switched
33:52
to using Microsoft Teams due to COVID? I didn't
33:56
know that. Did you know that raccoons also have
33:59
a sort of corporate structure within their economy?
34:02
And 95 % of those corporate raccoons also feel
34:06
like they're wasting away life day by day. Are
34:09
there groups and other organizations that kind
34:12
of help out that? I have no idea. Not a big support
34:14
system in the raccoon world. Doesn't seem like
34:16
it. Okay. That's unfortunate. High suicide rate.
34:19
Yeah, for sure. That's why you see them on the
34:21
side of the road. They meant to be there. Jump
34:23
into the cars. Yeah. Did you know when your boss
34:26
comes to you and says, you're fired, you're not
34:30
actually supposed to douse yourself in gasoline,
34:33
lie to match, and become the office martyr? Interesting.
34:37
A lot of people get that wrong. They do. They
34:39
do get it wrong. It's tough when the word fire
34:40
has multiple different meanings. It is. That's
34:43
rough. Did you know that you can make your office
34:45
cubicle cubicle by doing sweet skateboard tricks
34:50
right then and there for all your coworkers to
34:53
see? 100%. Maybe bring in a dirt bike helmet.
34:59
Make that office cubicle cubicle. Did you know
35:03
when you tell a coworker that you're going to
35:06
circle back to them, you are physically supposed
35:08
to throw your butt in a circle? While you're
35:11
giving them the meeting? While you are, that
35:14
is your circle back. That's the action. Okay.
35:15
And you call it giving them the business. I call
35:18
it circling back. Okay. Semantics, every office
35:21
calls it different. Did you know that while the
35:25
standard lunchtime is from noon to one, that's
35:30
also the time that most people get shot? Don't
35:34
want to be around your office. I would just say
35:37
don't leave the office. You know, it's dangerous
35:39
out there. Is that a threat? What's in your briefcase?
35:42
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Evan, open up his briefcase.
35:45
I'm scared. He has a gun. Oh, yeah. Oh, I didn't
35:50
see the gun he was holding. Yeah, it's in his
35:52
hand. Okay, okay. Oh, yeah. The other hand, yeah.
36:00
Whatever's in his briefcase has to be more dangerous.
36:03
Did you know? that if you want an extra job around
36:06
the office, you can strap the water cooler to
36:09
your back. We call the office camel. And just
36:12
walk around the office while people try to get
36:15
water. You don't stop moving. It's awkward. They
36:18
spill it everywhere. But, you know, you become
36:20
the office camel. You travel around. Maybe you
36:23
have an Arabian guy riding you. Do you have,
36:26
like, that swaying walk, too? Yeah, and you do,
36:29
like... You have like the Arabian music going
36:31
in the back, like maybe Aladdin. You turn up
36:33
the temperature in the office. Yeah. Sweep some
36:36
sand in. He has an Alibaba sword. So if people
36:41
get close to you, he starts swinging it. People
36:44
die of thirst, which happens in the Sierra Desert.
36:46
So it's very accurate. Did you know that while
36:49
it can be cold in office buildings, it'll be
36:53
colder at home when your wife leaves you. It
36:58
can always get worse. Yeah. Yeah. Did you know
37:01
it's not okay to have an office wife? But it's
37:05
definitely okay to have an office knife. You
37:08
never know when you need protection. Did you
37:11
know it's actually more than just an office knife?
37:14
It's better to have an office plant made of knives.
37:20
Because what's one knife versus at least 13?
37:23
All attached to a plant. All attached to one
37:25
stalk that you can shred your butt against. Did
37:30
you know that technically you can use the office
37:32
elevator as a cubicle? I did know that. That's
37:35
very good. They're roughly the same size and
37:37
you meet more people that way. Did you know your
37:42
father will never be proud of you because you
37:44
gave your soul away to a corporation? You sold
37:47
out. You sold out. Your dad wanted you to just
37:50
work your hands to the bone at a smith. He wanted
37:54
you to be a 17th century blacksmith. Yeah. Just
37:59
smacking an anvil. Yeah. If you're not making
38:02
horseshoes, what are you making? Money? Get out
38:05
of here. Work with a hammer. It's okay to go
38:09
into the office and work on a spreadsheet. Don't
38:12
go around the office spreading sheet. Don't be
38:16
a gossip. That's just wise words. Yeah. That's
38:19
not even a fact. That's just wise words. Did
38:22
you know? that the title VP actually stands for
38:26
very plush, meaning they always want to get a
38:29
hug. Oh, you never know about that. Sometimes
38:32
they have a really tough exterior. Yeah, yeah.
38:34
Soft inside, though. They say you can't sexually
38:37
harass a co -worker via work email. So sexually
38:40
harass them via letter written longhand. In old
38:44
English. With a quill. Did you know corporate
38:49
actually comes from an old Native American word?
38:52
Meaning? We will sell you our land for that bottle
38:55
of alcohol. Don't give us measles. I hope these
39:01
blankets don't have diseases. Wow, you have cool
39:05
new weaponry. What's this trail called again?
39:12
You take my land by force, but in 200 years,
39:15
you will let me run casinos? Did you know that
39:21
when you're typing out an email, It's always
39:24
important to also address the office ghost in
39:28
case they are reading the email. Dear Samantha
39:31
and the office ghost, did you know that if you
39:35
really want to show that you have the drive in
39:38
your job, you can work your 9 to 5, but also
39:43
work 9 p .m. to 5 p .m. at your boss's house.
39:47
Yeah. Jimmy a window open. Use his computer.
39:50
Sleep with his wife. Do all the work for him.
39:55
Going above and beyond. Did you know that if
40:01
your boss deems you ready for promotion, he will
40:05
present you with a basket of ten crickets. Nine
40:11
living and one dead. As is foretold. I've never
40:19
gotten one of those, so I guess that kind of
40:21
shows you that I have not been promoted. You'll
40:24
get there. Okay. Did you know that sending an
40:27
email saying, per my last email, actually summons
40:32
a horde of chest hair hungry demons to track
40:36
down the person that did not read your last email?
40:39
And they eat his chest hair? They go straight
40:41
for it. Wow. Like a couple cows grazing on a
40:45
pasture. Numbin' down on it. Just, just. Chewing
40:49
cud. Chest hair cud. Mooing. Did you know that
40:54
up until the early 90s, all copy machines were
40:58
actually coal driven? Really? I didn't know that.
41:02
They kind of erased that from the common media.
41:06
Did it just produce too much steam? They went
41:08
away from it? You know. Smoke. You know how things
41:12
were in the early 90s. Electricity was such a
41:15
fad. People were getting on, you know. It'll
41:17
never take off. I hate electricity. I mean, look
41:20
where that got us now. Yeah. The world's dying.
41:24
Yes, the world is dying. I'm not going to say
41:26
what I was going to say. Don't say it. No, I'm
41:29
not going to. You're just talking into a recording
41:30
device. Yeah, and you're going to put what I
41:32
say on the internet. That's how we know you love
41:35
a kangaroo named Samuel. Did you know that women
41:41
can be a boss? What? Yeah. When did that start?
41:45
After the coal. Are women run on coal? When do
41:48
these women start running on electricity? Women
41:50
run on pumpkin spice mocha. Leave it. Leave it
41:59
in. Leave it in. All right, there you go. There's
42:03
some corporate facts for you so you have more
42:05
knowledge going in to your new job so you can
42:08
become a success, create shareholder value, and
42:11
pay your taxes and eventually die. So have fun
42:15
with that. Good luck with that. We are cheering
42:17
you on. And remember, if you have a hypothetical,
42:20
if you need advice from us, if you just want
42:24
to get something off your chest, you have two
42:26
ways now to contact us. One, email. questionworlddetour
42:29
at gmail .com. And two, you can send us a voice
42:33
message. Just go to the description of this episode
42:35
and click the link. Give us a hypothetical. Give
42:37
us a situation you need advice on. Insult us.
42:41
It does not matter. But as we end this episode,
42:44
guys, you want to give everybody one last piece
42:47
of wisdom via a one -liner wisdom. Don't ever
42:50
dig a grave six feet deep. Always do it. two
42:54
feet deep in case you have to unearth them and
42:57
tell them something you forgot to say. You may
42:59
think that you're stressed, but no one's as stressed
43:04
as the shooter on the grassy knoll when he gets
43:06
a gun jam. Oh, but there you go. All right, guys,
43:11
you already be done? Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.